


Dear James/Perfect

by Misscar



Series: The Dear Spock Universe [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Adoption, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, BAMF Uhura, Bones and Nyota are being idiots about their feelings for one another but they get better, Canon Temporary Character Death, Cute Kids, Discussion of past sexual assault, Dysfunctional Relationships, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Everybody works through their issues Email, Everyone Needs A Hug, Ex Sex, F/F, F/M, Het and Slash, I feel sorry for the Enterprise psychologist, Idiots in Love, Jim and Spock love each other but they don't always like each other, Kelvin Timeline AU, Loss of Parent(s), Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death, Miscarriage, Oral Sex, POV Multiple, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Post Star Trek: Into Darkness, STID Remix, Sexual Content, Spock needs a hug and sanity in a hypo, Stupid Jim Kirk tricks, Therapy, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Wall Sex, Weddings, being a parent is hard, email is evil, not that he would tell anybody that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-29
Updated: 2016-07-16
Packaged: 2017-12-16 12:41:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 42
Words: 194,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/862135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misscar/pseuds/Misscar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to Dear Spock: Happily ever after is not an endpoint but rather a state that needs constant maintenance. A post STID story that deals with all the unpleasant stuff between our protagonist saving the day and the start of the five-year mission but with humor. Even in a 'coma' Jim can cause complete chaos with his programming 'skills'.  Pairings: Established and trying to keep it that way K/S, and it’s complicated U/M.</p><p> </p><p>In other words, imagine what STID would be like if Jim and Spock were already married by Vulcan standards before everything went to hell.<br/>This story is dedicated to anybody who thought STID would make so much more sense if Jim and Spock were together.</p><p>This can probably be read as a standalone with minimal confusion.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: ‘Happily ever after’ Really is Bullshit

**Author's Note:**

> Title: Dear James/Fucking Perfect
> 
> Sequel to: Dear Spock/ Beautiful
> 
> (Yes, I should be working on Alex Suarez and The Truth About Love, but the plot bunnies wouldn’t let me and it was easier to write this on my old computer while I waited for my new computer to be repaired.)  
> Spoiler alert: This story is one massive spoiler for Into Darkness. Also, because this is a semi-rewrite of STID, it might be easier to read if you have seen the movie.  
> I said I wasn’t going to do a sequel to Dear Spock. Then I saw the new movie and realized that Dear Spock fit almost perfectly with the timeline. About 98% of the film could be compliant with that story. The only thing that really conflicted was Jim screwing the cat twins and the fact that Jim and Spock would have gone over their reports together so they would’ve been consistent, as was their practice by the end of Dear Spock. Even Spock and Nyota’s interactions really did not conflict that much because they come off more as friends with make out privileges than two people who were madly in love with each other. Actually, Nyota and Spock may have a closer relationship in the Dear Spock universe, even though they’re no longer sleeping together.  
> At some point, I realized that if I accepted my own story as canon, the film itself made more sense. Spock going off the deep end because his bond mate/fiancée died seems much more likely than Spock going completely crazy because his friend died. Nyota being angry about Spock’s suicidal tendencies fits really well with the narrative established in the first story, because she already lost a close childhood friend to suicide. In that story, Spock and Nyota’s sexual relationship started because Nyota didn’t want her best friend to kill himself, because that had already happened once before. Also keeping that in mind, it makes perfect sense for Nyota to beam down to the planet to keep Spock from doing something stupid and to save Jim, because it wouldn’t be the first time. I also was a little annoyed by the fact they went from Jim dying to everybody being happy again. That just didn’t make sense, because something like that is going to require a lot of therapy. By the end of the movie, I just knew I had to write this story. So you can thank J.J. & Company for inspiring me to write a sequel.  
> Canon consistency: Most things in SITD did occur in this universe unless they directly contradict with something in this story (unfortunately, that means Pike is still dead). There will be some slight differences that will come out during the course of the narrative. Just go with my interpretation. The only thing that absolutely did not happen was Jim having sex with someone who’s not Spock (I’m still on the fence about the underwear scene, because that thing needs to be parodied).  
> As mentioned last time, I am horrible at start dates and therefore will not be using them. For the sake of making everything cohesive, we’re going to assume that our villain destroyed the Kelvin Memorial Archives in early June 2259 instead of February.  
> That means this story takes place about one month after the Epilogue of Dear Spock.
> 
> Disclaimer: If I owned Star Trek, I would have let Spock kiss Jim in that scene in STID, and you know which one I’m talking about. Obviously, that didn’t happen.

Jim never expected to be sitting in the nearest dive bar to his and Spock’s apartment crying over his boyfriend/fiancé/husband-by-Vulcan-standards (metaphorically anyway).  He knew he should be spending as much time as he could with Spock before Starfleet forced the couple to be light years apart for the duration.  But Jim wasn’t ready to spend time with his husband (or whatever), mostly because he said a few things he shouldn’t have in Pike’s office and he probably would be sleeping on the couch for the rest of eternity (if Spock’s BFF was not already occupying it).  He blamed the fucking Admiralty for this mess, including Admiral Marcus and the other idiots-that-be that openly hated Jim with a fiery passion.  Jim wanted to get as drunk as possible and forget about the fight with Spock.  Okay, he really wanted to punch something or possibly have angry wall sex with Spock (and only Spock, evidenced by the fact that he flashed his engagement ring, also known as the interplanetary symbol for ‘get away from me I am taken’, at the brunette who sat down next to him).  He wasn’t exactly sure what to say to Spock, which was why Jim was still hiding at the bar, hoping that if he got drunk enough, maybe he would have the balls to talk to Spock.

He wished Dr. Suarez were still around. None of this would be happening if she were still assigned to his ship (not that it's really his anymore).  This disaster made him really miss his favorite therapist (still living).  Because Jim wasn’t exactly ready to go home, (or rather to his temporary quarters), he decided to e-mail the good doctor.  It was probably a better idea than getting plastered.

Xxx

From: KirkJT

To: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

Time sent: 6/4/2259 22:35:11

**Subject: I told you everything would go to hell after you left.**

Why did you have to leave me for the Vulcan colony again?  Now I remember, it is because we work for fucking morons.  I knew everything was going to go to hell the moment you left Enterprise. I knew that we weren't ready for you not to be here, but nobody listens to me.

First, Spock's suicidal tendencies have popped up with a vengeance. You know that the idiots-that-be pulled us from New Vulcan early so we could watch a volcano practically destroy an early civilization while we obeyed the Prime Directive. You know I absolutely despise no win scenarios and well, Spock was already guilty enough about the last planet that was destroyed on his watch. Therefore, we came up with a plan to make sure the volcano did not wipe out the civilization in question. I won't bore you with specifics, but everything sort of fell apart and my only choices were to let my ~~husband~~ first officer die or risk the local inhabitants seeing Enterprise, i.e., violate the Prime Directive. Okay, we both know that when it comes to choosing between the Prime Directive and my ~~husband~~ first officer, I'm going to choose Spock.

I knew there were going to be consequences, but I didn't care. It was Spock. I couldn't let him die when there was something I could do about it.  Fuck the rules. (By the way, my idiot boyfriend actually expected me to just follow the rules and leave him there to die. I told you he was backsliding.)

Bones and I got in a fight about the whole thing. He was sure that Spock would have left me there if the situation were reversed. I know better, because I'm pretty sure Spock cares more about me than his own safety (remember the kidnapping incident).  Bones and I also had a not-fun argument after Spock was safely out of harm’s way, where I accused my sometimes-best-friend of being jealous of my boyfriend. Actually, Bones got in a fight with his girlfriend, or should I say ex-girlfriend, about the whole thing too. He said that she was still too concerned with Spock for him to just be her ex-boyfriend and well, that's why she's now his ex-girlfriend. That's also why Nyota is currently sleeping on our couch.  Spock doesn’t want her to be alone during the break up.

Actually, she’s so mad at Bones that she asked my permission to randomly make out with Spock just to piss off her boyfriend, and you know I said yes because that was dirty sex fantasy number 23 on my list. (I think you need to call Nyota. Spock almost dying may have caused some flashbacks to the Marc situation.  I think the other reason why she sleeping on our couch is, she is afraid Spock will return to his previous self-destructive behavior.)

I just want to let you know that the wonderful Stacy was a complete prick (as predicted) and I'm sure he is in cahoots with one of the idiots-that-be that fucking hates me. It turns out there's more than one and they're all assholes. If you were still on board, we would have just sent Starfleet a very abbreviated version of what happened on Nibiru. However, because of Stacy, I had to tell the truth.

I have been mentally preparing myself for the fallout, which in my mind would be me and Spock switching places.  You and I both know Spock would make a much better captain. First, he actually understands all the completely arcane and asinine rules of Starfleet. I feel like I'm drowning even after a year. With Spock with me, I'm doing okay. It's just sometimes I think it would be better if our roles were reversed. You know that I like it when he takes control in the bedroom and I think that it would be easy to transfer that over to the work setting. Sometimes, it's just easier to let Spock take care of things. You know with my childhood, I've always had to be the one in charge. I never had someone just take care of me and I like that.

I could be the best first officer ever for him. But the way things are now, I am always doubting myself. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing half the time. Even I know that the reason why the death tolls are not higher is that I've been lucky. You know I pretend to be the cockiest asshole alive, but it's just an act. Other than you, Spock is the only one who knows that. There's no fucking way I was ever going to let Stacy know that. I've been acting like a cockier asshole than normal just to keep up appearances.

Despite how I normally behave, I knew there were going to be some consequences, although that’s mostly because of getting yelled at by Stacy for 2 hours (I'm sure he was just a spy for Marcus). I was mentally preparing myself to lose the ship and for my boyfriend to become my boss.

(I may have warned Pike about what happened, just in case he could keep things from being so bad.)  .

I know I did something wrong, according to the stupid rules, but I was still sure that I would get to keep the most important thing in the world to me, and that wasn't Enterprise.

They took SPOCK, the bastards. They left me on Enterprise. Although, that probably only happened because Pike knew about what was going to happen and managed to sit on the supposedly secret tribunal. I'm now reporting to Pike because Marcus really is an asshole, and this is some sort of sadomasochistic torture on his part.  I can deal with that part of the punishment, (even if I don’t think I really did something that wrong), but the dicks-that-be are sending Spock to another ship, away from me and all his friends.  That hurts more than anything else.  They said that we can't serve together ever because we put each other first instead of Starfleet.

That's fucking bullshit. If it were anybody else on my crew down there, I would have done the same damn thing. I told you this a thousand times before, but if I have to choose between saving a life and following some stupid regulation, I'm going to choose to save a life.  Their type of thinking is what got my brother dead. Why send assistance to a planet with only a few thousand starving people? They’re too concerned with the letter of the law and not its spirit.  The idiots don't give a fuck about anything but their fucking rules. They don't care. Because they don't care, I'm getting separated from my husband

I mean boyfriend

I mean

Oh fuck, what does it matter, I'm completely in love with the guy. Are labels really that important?

Okay, so I may have said some things to Spock that would get me on the couch if it wasn't already being occupied by Nyota. I may have blamed him for the entire thing because he was the one that suggested that we needed to be completely honest with Starfleet because Stacy was going to screw us over anyway. I was then informed by Chris that if I had lied on the report, I would be getting shipped back to the academy instead of just being demoted to first officer (without Spock).

Right now, I'm hiding in a dive bar avoiding Spock. Don't worry; I'm not going to get into what I used to do at bars when I got completely drunk. I've already flashed my vintage engagement ring (that looks like a wedding ring) about 12 times.  Contrary to popular belief, you know I’m not a space slut.

I just need some time to think. I'm fucking terrified. How can we maintain our relationship if we are stuck on different ships? Then there is the fact that my husband, boyfriend, or whatever, has suicidal tendencies and I'm not sure his new captain is going to look out for him like I do. Nyota won't even be there to watch his back.

Do you think there's any way you can switch to the Bradbury? I need someone with him that I can trust.

XX

Jim barely had time to order another beer before a message popped up from his favorite therapist.

XXX

 **From:** mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

 **To:** KirkJT

**Subject: Swallow your pride and apologize**

**Time sent:** 6/4/2259 22:43:54

I think I am going to need to schedule a video conference with you and Spock because this isn't something I can address with an email.  I don’t know whether to start on your low self-esteem or your arrogance.  You’re the only one I know who has both issues simultaneously.

However, my first piece of advice is to stop hiding in a bar and go talk to your husband, especially before you decide to do something stupid like get in a bar fight or make out with some random stranger. Tell him that you're scared. Tell him that you're worried about him. If you don't tell him what is going on, he's never going to know. You and I both know that's your biggest problem with Spock.  Usually you keep everything inside until I need to have you and Spock in my office beating each other with sticks to work things out. If you're not ready for that, maybe you can send him an email. You're good at saying exactly what you feel in an email.

I know he's worried about you. I just got a message from him.

Talk to your Spock and I will e-mail you back with a time for our deep space therapy session.

XXX

Considering he and Spock have much better communication via e-mail, he decided to give it a try. If nothing else, maybe if he gets it down on paper (metaphorically speaking) it will be easier to say out loud. Chances are his therapist will tell Spock exactly where he is and that confrontation will happen sooner rather than later.

 

XX

  **From:** KirkJT

 **To:** SpockX

**Subject: I was really sure that we got to the point where I wouldn’t have to apologize for being an ass in an e-mail**

**Time written:** 6/4/2259 23:10:54

Time sent:6/5/2259 00:00:01

I guess I should start with, ‘I am sorry for a lot of the stupid things I said in Chris's office.’ I wasn't angry at you. I was angry at the situation. I'm not upset about losing the ship.

Okay, I'm upset about losing the ship mostly because it confirmed my year-long theory that the Admiralty were really just waiting for me to fuck up and boy did I ever fuck up (by their standards anyway). The only reason why I'm not spending the rest of my career being retrained at the fabulous Starfleet Academy is because I listened to you when you told me not to lie about saving you.

It didn't even seem like they were that upset that I violated the Prime Directive, but rather that I violated it to save you. Apparently, the general consensus is that I am too emotionally compromised to work with my partner and therefore we are going to have to spend the rest of our careers away from each other. I'm really mad about losing you. I know that we are bonded for all eternity, but what's going to happen when you are light-years away from me? What if you meet some nice guy or girl, of some unknown species, and decide you are tired of dealing with this crazy human. I drive you crazy. Although, unlike my supposed doctor friend, I'm perfectly okay with you and Nyota having a really close relationship. Okay, I'm more okay with it now that I understand how things started between you two in the first place. That relationship doesn’t bother me, but the possibility of other relationships does.

I'm not worried about me being faithful. Even though my so-called best friend still thinks I’m a space slut, you know the only person I want to have sex with is you (unless we can talk Nyota into an ‘angry at my stupid/jealous ex revenge threesome’). There's this girl sitting next to me that keeps flirting with me and I can only think about you.

It's not that I don't trust you, because you are the only person that I really trust. I'm worried that you are going to leave me. I know I'm not good enough for you. I'm afraid that you will realize I'm not worth it.  You deserve better than me. You deserve someone that can actually tell you this in person instead of having to write it all in an email because he's too fucking terrified to tell you anything in person.

I mean, you know how fucked up I really am. There's a reason why I spent literally more than a decade in therapy. I'm not even on speaking terms with my mother and I'm probably not going to be on speaking terms with my brother either, because I just remembered I bailed on dinner tonight with you and Kevin*.

Shit

Okay, that's something else I probably should apologize for.

So how did the ‘meeting my little brother’ thing go? I know you guys have talked a few times via deep space instant messenger, but this is different.

Okay, that tangent was me avoiding writing about the real reason why I'm scared of you being on another ship. I'm afraid of losing you and I don't mean to another person, but rather to death itself. You almost died in that volcano and you actually **expected** me to just _let_ it happen? I don't give a fuck about stupid Starfleet regulations. I love you. You're the only thing I care about. What's going to happen with your new captain? You don't have a good sense of self-preservation. You got **kidnapped** and you didn't even tell me about it. I need to know that you're safe. I don't think I could handle it if you died because I was not around to prevent it. I know I couldn't handle it. I was a fucking mess when Sam died.

I keep having this dream, at least I think it's a dream, I don't really know because we’re older than what we are now. You're trapped inside the warp core, or at least I think you are. It doesn't really look like ours. I think you just did something really stupid, because I'm watching you die in front of me. I can't get to you because there is this fucking glass in the way. I can't save you. I can't do anything but watch.

Don't ask me to watch you die for the greater good because I can't do it. I don't give a fuck about everyone else and maybe that makes me a bad captain, but that doesn't matter anymore because I'm no longer a captain. I would do anything to make sure that you live a long and happy life. I would lose Enterprise a thousand times if it meant keeping you safe. I am so scared. I need you.

Pike just walked into the bar and he's giving me his 'I am so disappointed in you' look. I've been getting that a lot lately. I have to go.

Love you.

 

Xxxx

Jim quickly saved the message. He decided that maybe it would be best if Spock didn't see this until after midnight. He probably should get something with chocolate in it before he came home, because groveling with gifts will be in order.

Of course, he never did get to stop for that apology chocolate because, after Pike called him out for acting like a cocky asshole when it's obvious that was just a façade and then proceeded to give him the ultimate pep talk, they were called in due to somebody blowing something up in London. He barely had time for a quick ‘I'm still annoyed at you’ kiss with Spock in the elevator before everything really did go to hell.

To be continued.

 

Bonus feature: for those of you who did not read the trailer for Dear James at the end of Dear Spock on FF.net here is Spock’s email to Dr. Suarez and her response.

 

From: SpockX

To:  mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

Subject: I am concerned about James and I am uncomfortable speaking about this with your replacement Dr. Cruz.

Time sent: 6/4/2259 22:42:01

 

I apologize for not writing you sooner but several things have happened since the ship was forced to leave the Vulcan colony early due to the situation on Nibiru and communication has not been possible. The mission was a success in the sense that we were able to preserve the inhabitants. However, we were not able to do so without violating multiple Starfleet regulations including the prime directive. We had no choice but to be completely honest in regards to what happened due to the presence of your replacement, Dr. Cruz. Because of this and the doctor’s assessment of our partnership, it was deemed that James and I can no longer serve together on the same ship. I am being reassigned to the Bradbury. James has been demoted to the rank of commander and will be serving as first officer on Enterprise under Adm. Pike. Obviously, neither of us is pleased with this situation.

After an altercation in Adm. Pike’s office, where both of us said things that were inappropriate, James disappeared, leaving me to entertain his brother for the evening. I am certain he is at the drinking establishment three blocks away from our temporary lodging. I do not believe he wishes to speak with me right now. However, I believe that he would be willing to speak to you.  It is imperative that you talk to him right away before he does something self-destructive.

Xxx

From: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

To:  SpockX

Subject: We really do need to talk but not in an e-mail

Time sent: 6/4/2259 22:59:55

He is not the only one that needs to talk to me. I just read a very interesting e-mail from James. We are so scheduling a conference call, because you sacrificing yourself for the 'greater good' is still suicidal behavior. I really thought you had moved past that. Barring Federation Catastrophe, I expect you and your Jim to be on my screen tomorrow at 9 AM your time.

In the meantime, talk to (or e-mail) your fiancé. He is just as worried about you as you are about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review. I take requests. If you want me to rewrite a particular STID scene, let me know.
> 
> Footnote:
> 
> * In the Dear Spock Universe, Kevin Riley is Jim's adopted brother and he goes by the name Kevin Kirk. Also, Jim did not end up on Tarsus in this universe but Winona and Sam did. There were lots of consequences of that, including Jim getting Kevin as his adoptive brother and Sam dying on planet.


	2. Chapter 1: Dear Jim, fuck you. Your angry friend who loves you, Nyota

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read, reviewed or left kudos on the first chapter. I think a lot of people may have missed it because I posted it too late at night. Because I tend to post chapters as soon as I get the chapters back from my beta, the wonderful T'Purr, at strange times of the day, on no set schedule, I suggest putting the story on alert.
> 
> Since the author’s note was so long last time, I didn’t state how this story is going to be different. I really do listen to your redirected feedback. Things will be a bit more linear this time and perspectives will be interchanged. This time I’m going to be integrating the letters and the journal articles with the narrative of the story, although the first section is going to be a little bit more journal and email heavy. In addition, due to the fact I’m keeping things very canon consistent, Jim may not see some of this for a little while because of his “incapacitation”. Also the story will be told from perspectives other than Jim and Spock. For example, this chapter will be from Nyota’s perspective for reasons that will become evident as you read.
> 
> Canon consistency note: Instead of having people travel at the ‘speed of plot’ as in the actual movie, I’m going to spread things out over a few days (or maybe they're just traveling at the speed of my plot instead). 
> 
> To help new readers and those of us who don’t remember every little detail of something you read two years ago (even I had to reread Dear Spock before starting on this story), I’m going to use footnotes in the story to help jog everyone’s memory.
> 
> Disclaimer: This chapter does contain a little bit of dialogue from the actual movie but I have modified it slightly to fit the new dynamic. However, everything else after that will play almost exactly like it did in the film until the present point.

From: KirkJT

To: UhuraNX

Time saved: 6/8/2259 4:35:11

Time sent: 6/9/2259 00:00:01

Subject: If everything turns out as bad as I think it will, take care of my husband for me.

Pike told me that someday my luck was going to run out and I would do something that was going to get everybody killed. I think that may be today. We’ve already come too close to that already and I’m not sure how we’re going to get through this. I realize I am about to do something stupid and Spock knows it too, which is why he actually provided me false information about the origins of a quote. I honestly don’t trust John or whatever the hell his name is. But I have to try.

If I don’t come back, make sure Spock doesn’t do anything stupid like starving himself to death or doing something that may get him killed. Take care of him for me, even if that means doing what you did last time. Make sure he knows I love him and I’m only being this stupid because I want to keep him and everybody else on the ship safe.

Your friend,

Jim

* * *

 

The tears were falling down her cheeks as she read what may be Jim’s final email (if this crazy scheme does not work). He must have written this right before going over to Marcus’ ship and he used that stupid delay email system that he accidentally created. It was enough to make her wonder if he knew he was going to die. She was beyond pissed that he sent this to her. This was a goodbye letter, even if Jim didn’t say goodbye. It reminded her too much of the suicide email that she got from Marc*. If Jim weren’t still lying unconscious in front of her, she would strangle him.

Nyota was glad she was alone right now with only her two unconscious friends to witness her rage and frustration. Kevin was either trying to get something to eat or once again trying to call Winona in an effort to convince her to come see her son. When he first called her about what happened, she ended the transmission before Kevin could tell her everything. In the interim, Winona has not accepted anyone’s calls or emails (all the read receipts on the emails have come back as being deleted without being read according to Kevin).

Various members of the crew have come by, but they don’t stay very long and no one was there right now. Everyone was too busy with the recovery efforts, especially Sulu, who was technically Acting Captain. Sulu was Acting Captain because Spock was occupying the bed behind her. He lost consciousness about five minutes after they returned to the ship with the only means to keep Jim’s death from becoming permanent.

Leonard was consulting with Doctors Suarez and Weston** on the colony about why Spock has been in a ‘coma’ for the last four days. The current theory is that the violent breaking of his bond with James (via his death) caused Spock to have a complete psychotic break (that seemed to be the only logical explanation for the screaming and going after Khan in a homicidal rage). After Spock’s inner pre-reform Vulcan desire for blood was sated, he collapsed and went into a healing trance. Dr. Weston speculated that the only reason why Nyota was able to get through to Spock at all was that they may have formed some sort of accidental friendship bond (highly likely considering that they once had a sexual relationship and she touched him after Jim di – ‘lost consciousness’).

They don’t know for sure because there wasn’t really anybody qualified on-planet to assess what actually happened (that they trust anyway). Due to the state of emergency right now, it will be at least a few more days before either doctor can arrive to examine Spock.

She was personally glad her former boyfriend was busy consulting with the two Vulcan specialists because she just wasn’t ready to deal with the man right now. Maybe if everything hadn’t gone to hell and she were not keeping a bedside vigil for two of her friends, she would have forgiven him for accusing her of still being in love with her ex-boyfriend, maybe.

It wasn’t exactly a false accusation. She did love Spock. He was her best friend (when he wasn’t doing idiotic suicidal things for the supposed greater good). They were close. They knew things about each other that no one else did, but it wasn’t a romantic love and Leonard just did not trust her enough to accept that there was nothing physical going on between her and Spock. (Nyota personally blamed the bitch-that-will-not-be-named for his trust issues.) God, she was helping Spock plan his wedding and was going to be his best person. It was supposed to be something quick if they managed to get the five-year mission, but that wasn’t going to happen now, was it (especially if Jim doesn’t wake up). She actively helped get those two together. You don’t do something like that if you’re still hung up on your ex-boyfriend.

That’s the one thing she hates about standard: the language does not have multiple words to differentiate between the different types of love. Although Vulcan had a term that can mean lover, friend, and/or brother simultaneously, so she was not sure which language best conveyed complicated relationships.

She did not want to say that specific word, even in her mind, because the last time she heard it being used was in engineering as she watched Jim die. The tears falling from Spock’s eyes will haunt her more than anything else. She will never forget the last words exchanged between the lovers.

 _“I wanted you to know why I couldn't let you die... why I went back for you...”_ she heard Jim whisper just as she caught up to Spock. Jim’s voice was broken as he struggled for breath. She knew what was happening all too well. This wasn’t the first time that she’s come upon this scene. Last time it was her holding the body as Marc took his last breath. Despite her normal professionalism, she couldn’t keep her own tears from falling.

 _“Because you are my T’hy’la,”_ Spock said as his tears increased.

 _“Love you,”_ James stuttered out just as his eyes closed for what they all assumed to be the final time.

Even if by some miracle Leonard’s crazy plan works and an evil man’s blood does bring Jim back, she will never forget that scene, no more than she will ever forget finding Marc seconds after he pulled the trigger and him practically dying in her arms as she waited for the paramedics to come. It’s been playing in her mind on a loop for the last four days, six hours, and 24 minutes. (Yes, she knows the exact moment that Jim died.)

Unfortunately, her ex-boyfriend knows her a little too well and knew she would be driving herself crazy by speculating on all the things she could have done differently to avoid this outcome. Since she’s not on speaking terms with him and refuses to talk to him about it, as her doctor, he was ordering her to see a therapist. She would be pissed off at him for playing the doctor card, if it wasn’t for the fact that he was right. She was a mess, between Spock’s almost sacrifice, Jim’s actual sacrifice, and the breakup. She needed help. She couldn’t do this on her own.

She wasn’t going to see Dr. Cruz because she blamed Stacy for this entire mess. If he hadn’t forced Jim and Spock to reveal that they broke the Prime Directive, they wouldn’t have been anywhere near Earth when all of this went down and therefore she wouldn’t be sitting between an unconscious Jim and an unconscious Spock. Actually, Nyota wondered if Marcus used Cruz to set Enterprise up. She was just as wary of the Admiralty as Jim was-is (he’s not dead yet). Let’s just say you couldn’t pay her to be in a room with Stacy Cruz right now, let alone get her to talk to the man about her feelings. She may actually hit him the next time she sees him.

Considering she didn’t want to recount everything to a perfect stranger (okay, she didn’t trust any of the other Starfleet therapists, thanks to Mr. Stacy), Nyota decided it was just better to email Dr. Suarez. By the time she got the message, she would be done consulting with a certain ex-boyfriend that she is really mad at.

Because she hadn’t checked her personal email since everything went psycho, she had 947 unread messages (324 of those were Op center alerts about the situation at hand). Email hasn’t really been a priority in the last week. She had a few messages from her parents that she wasn’t planning to return. If they really cared about her, they would actually call.

There was an email from Christine, who had decided to take an assignment and the frontiers of space back in November when her two crushes started dating each other. Christine wanted Nyota to check up on her friend Carol, who was apparently going through a very bad time because she saw her daddy murdered in front of her. (Christine had no idea what had happened with Jim and Spock because they were doing everything in their power to keep that out of the media.) Because Dr. Marcus was a little too 'giggly' around her boyfriend - she means ex-boyfriend - that wasn’t going to happen.

There were 12 messages from said ex-boyfriend suggesting she see a therapist or eat something. He didn’t need to send her emails because he was driving her absolutely crazy in person. She had four messages from Dr. Suarez. The first one was sent the night before everything fell apart. The next one was asking her how Jim was handling Admiral Pike's death. (That message made Nyota really miss Dr. Suarez, because maybe if she were still on board the ship, Marcus would not have manipulated Jim into playing a key role in his game of 'pissing off the Klingons'.) The last two were much more recent and were sent at the urging of her now ex-boyfriend.

Of all the messages in her inbox, she wasn’t expecting a message from Jim that was sent to her several hours after he **died**. That made her so mad that she almost threw her PADD at the bastard. Hot tears pricked her eyes as she read this short message. She wanted to scream, but that would probably bring in one of the nurses or a certain ex-boyfriend that she really didn’t want to talk to. She decided her best option was to actually respond to Jim’s email (although she did cc Dr. Suarez) because when he woke up the bastard was going to know exactly how mad she was at him.

* * *

From: UhuraNX

To: KirkJT

CC: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

Time sent: 6/13/2259 17:35:11

Subject: Everything Did Turn Out As Bad As You Thought it Would, You Bastard

Dear Jim:

FUCK YOU

I hate you so much right now, you fucking bastard. You may never read this because you’re currently in a coma due to your hero complex. That guy I am not speaking to does not know if you’ll ever come out of it. However, you and I both know you’re too stubborn to not come back to us, mostly because you’re afraid I’ll start sleeping with your husband again even though you gave me permission. Regardless, I just want you to know how mad I am at you, and not just for thinking you have the right to tell me I can sleep with your husband again. Although, I guess a coma is an improvement over actually being dead. **You fucking died on me, you dick.**  

Just be happy we may be able to cure your suicide by warp core by means that I cannot disclose in an unencrypted email.

What that hell were you thinking? I don’t care that you saved us all from dying. **I had to watch you DIE and I couldn't do anything to stop it**. It doesn’t get easier the second time around. At least this time it wasn’t my good friend sticking an ancient gun in his mouth. At least this time it wasn’t a selfish act by a heartbroken man. It still doesn’t make it easier. At least thanks to your stupidity, I’m alive to be mad at you. Maybe because of that, someday I will be able to forgive you.

It still doesn’t keep me from imagining all the things that could have been done differently, starting with convincing Spock to nerve pinch you when you decided to drag all of us on your little vengeance mission. (Okay, I’m not completely mad at you for that because I think Marcus set you up. There’s just something not right about this whole situation.)

Did you think about taking 30 seconds and, I don’t know, putting on a radiation suit? You are so reckless. Why are we friends? Right now, I don’t know. Really, how did that happen? Oh wait, my best friend is kind of in love with you and I realized that you were never the guy I thought you were. We like the same music and the same old-school movies that require subtitles. We both dealt with truly screwed up families. Of course, the most important thing we have in common is that we both love Spock.

He is the other half of your soul and my best friend. Either of us would do anything to keep him alive and healthy, even when he’s doing something crazy like trying to die for the greater good. Such suicidal actions are nobler than blowing your brains out because of boy trouble, but I still hate both of you for putting me through this.

I like how you know that I care about Spock and you’re not worried about that. You trust me, and that’s more than I can say about that guy that I was dating for nine months before he put his big southern foot in his mouth. I still love the guy; I just sort of hate him too. You’re probably the only one I know who really gets that.

I’m worried about Leonard because you dying broke his heart. I’m just too mad right now to talk to him about it. I just don’t get it. He suddenly becomes jealous of Spock because I was actually concerned about my BFF attempting suicide by volcano and he gets to make stupid jokes about weapons experts who are not that cute. It’s so annoying, but you know he loves you too. You made him cry, more than once. The man didn’t even cry when the bitch-that-will-not-be-named would not let Leonard talk to JoJo at Christmas, despite their court-ordered custody agreement. You broke his heart and you broke mine, you bastard. How could you leave us? How could you leave Spock?

Oh, and let us not forget about your brother. He’s been here since I told him. He’s the only person that has spent more time by your bedside then Spock and well, you guys are sharing a room. That was Dr. Weston's brilliant idea because she thinks that close proximity to you will help repair the psychic damage caused by you dying. Although, Spock still is not conscious yet. You dying literally put him in a coma.

In your annoying little email, that you purposely made sure I would not read until after you killed yourself via recklessness and a warp core, you told me to keep Spock safe and from doing stupid stuff. Considering he’s lying in the bed next to you, I don’t think I did a very good job. He kind of lost it after you died. I mean, he was a mess after Amanda died, but this time it was like Spock was gone. He tried to kill Khan. The only reason why he didn’t kill him was because I stopped him. It almost didn’t happen. It was like he didn’t hear me. He didn’t hear a word I said until I mentioned your name and said that keeping Khan alive was the only way to get you back. We both know that you guys would be miserable without each other.

Even though I hate you right now, I would really like you and/or your husband to be conscious again. If you wake up I might be willing to give in to your ‘get back at my boyfriend idiot threesome idea’.

Love, your friend who really fucking hates you at the moment,

 

Nyota

* * *

 

 

“He probably would wake up for a threesome,” she heard her ex snort from behind just as she hit the send button.

“You heard me dictating that?” she asked, slightly worried, but not about the last thing she said. Him hearing that part actually made her feel a little better (which was miraculous, considering how miserable she was).

“Only the last few lines,” Leonard said, walking to Jim's bed.

“Well, since we broke up, I can have a threesome with anybody I want,” she told him with bitterness.

“If it would get Jim to wake up, I would be okay with it,” he said, only half joking. “Look, I’m sorry,” he said, not looking at her

“No, you’re not. Maybe you should call your weapons expert _friend_ ,” she said, shooting him an icy glare.

“I need to run some more test on Briar Rose and his Prince charming with pointy ears,” he said, not responding to her barb. “You should go down and get something to eat. Even Kevin left to get food.”

"I’m not hungry. Besides, I’m not your concern anymore. I’m fine, anyway,” she said, not wanting to leave the room

"You’re always going to be my concern. You are not fine. You have barely eaten anything in the last four days and you’re sending expletive-filled rants to the comatose. You need to talk to someone that can respond,” he told her pointedly.

“I did cc Dr. Suarez. Besides, the bastard deserved it.” Leonard just shook his head.

“I need you out of here to take care of a few things. Please go down and eat something,” he said, using that tone of voice that Leonard normally reserved for bedroom activities. It was the tone of voice that could get her to do just about anything.

“Fine, but I’m bringing you back up a salad. If I have to eat, so do you,” she said in acquiescence. Of course, instead of going straight to the cafeteria she ended up crying/screaming again in the ladies room, but Leonard didn't need to know that.

To be continued

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes it takes a few weeks to get chapters back and between writing this chapter and getting it back from the fabulous T'Purr, I lost someone important to me. Re-reading this chapter now, I realize that I captured Nyota's anger better than I ever intended.   
> That is an emotion that I've been feeling a lot in the last few days. To see the major emotion I've been feeling the last few days, check out my therapeutic one shot The Denial Phase. The feedback, condolences, and personal stories I have received on that story so far have been very cathartic. Thank you.
> 
>  
> 
> My question to everyone is, do you want Bones and Nyota to work things out or would you like me to go with the pairing behind door number three?  
> Also, there is a small chance that the next chapter may push the rating up to M. I was trying to hold off on that for at least a few more chapters but the Muse may have other ideas.  
> Please review. Remember reviews make me wake up at 5 AM before work to do more writing.  
> Footnotes:   
> * Marc was Nyota's childhood friend with whom she started the Academy. He committed suicide in spring 2257. Nyota was the one who discovered him. This incident was why she went to extreme measures to keep Spock from self-destructing after Amanda's death, i.e. starting a sexual relationship with him.
> 
> **Dr. Weston is a therapist and mind healer of Vulcan ancestry who studied both human and Vulcan philosophies about the mind. She was the one who discovered that Spock and Jim were accidentally bonded, but forgot to mention this to Spock. She is also married to a human. In addition, she trained Dr. Suarez.


	3. Chapter 2: The Awakening of Briar Rose with Pointy Ears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. Your reviews keep me working on this story at obscenely early times of the day when I probably should be cleaning or sleeping. A lot of you apparently love Bones and Nyota together and somebody needs to be ‘the will they or won’t they couple’ this time around, so expect lots of fun with that couple in this story.  
> Warning/enticement: there will be sexual content in this chapter, including Jim’s slightly inappropriate K/S/U fantasy. There will actually be a lot more sexual content in this story than in its predecessor, but that would not take much. There is a PG-13 version of this chapter on FF.net.  
> Canon consistency with STID: The first part of the first scene in this chapter takes the place of the Kitty cat twins’ scene in the actual movie. Also, because I am a female writer who is an equal opportunist, this chapter contains male nudity, but it’s for plot purposes (unlike a certain underwear scene). In my mind Bruno Mars’ Locked Out of Heaven will be playing in the bedroom, instead of the Beastie Boys’ Body Movin’.  
> To everyone who felt like the first chapter dropped you in the middle of the story already in progress, that was kind of the point. Almost everything that happened between Pike finding Jim in the bar until Spock captured Khan occurred almost identically to what happened in the actual film. Therefore, I felt no need to write everything out. I’m focusing more on providing a better explanation for why the characters did what they did in the film.  
> I did something very similar during my rewrite of the first film The Road to Delta Vega is Paved with Good Intentions/You Don’t Have To Be My Boyfriend and in my season four rewrite Ugly Betty story Gossip Mode Style. Things that were different will be addressed later on in the story during therapy sessions or by other means. (Also, it’s going to be a lot easier to do detailed rewrites of specific scenes once I get my copy of the film via digital download on August 20.) You will get a taste of what I’m planning to do in this chapter. Those of you who’ve read Starfleet Family Values know I love nonlinear storytelling.

They had been in their Starfleet appointed housing for 42.3 minutes and should have been unpacking because they were scheduled to stay at least 3.2 weeks. Their stay might be longer depending on the results of Christopher’s intervention during the supposedly secret tribunal that had taken place 3.2 hours earlier. (The fact that they were not called in to testify concerned Spock.) James was confident that the worst possible consequence of their violation of the Prime Directive was that Spock would take over responsibilities as Captain of Enterprise and James would become his first officer. Spock was not so certain of that.

James had confidence in Spock’s ability as a Captain, but Spock was personally uncertain. When in command previously, he had made decisions that were the most logical and yet not the best decisions in the long run. He was not as good as his James at seeking out a third option. Spock was improving in that area, as shown by his suggestion that they intervene instead of allowing a civilization to be wiped out by volcanic activity. It was Spock’s decision to intervene on Nibirans, which Spock had explained in their report that Doctor Cruz had forced the couple to write.

Spock did not like Dr. Cruz at all and was worried about his effectiveness with the crew. He wondered if the man was helping at all. He reminded Spock too much of his judgmental peers. The man was not there to assist those on the crew with emotional or mental issues, but rather his purpose was to report any perceived indiscretion back to Starfleet (which was a direct violation of the man’s Hippocratic Oath, in Spock’s opinion). Spock’s suspicions had proved to be true during the most recent incident. James’ suspicion that Starfleet had replaced Doctor Suarez with Doctor Cruz for the sole purpose of ‘spying’ on the ship proved to be true.

They should have been discussing why they were recalled to earth, but they were not. They should have been discussing why Nyota would be sleeping on their couch, or rather the futon, in the office area for the duration (or until Spock could convince her to speak to her former boyfriend in a nonaggressive manner). Yet, they were not. Other than James’ (only half joking) invitation for Nyota to join the couple in the bedroom, nothing was said about that.

Instead, the only unpacking that would probably be accomplished this night would involve the contents of the toiletry bag where Spock placed all their supplies for sexual activities. It was Spock who currently had James against the wall of their bedroom, even if James had initiated this encounter by literally pouncing on Spock the moment the door closed behind the couple. James’ shirt was already crumpled on the other side of the room and might no longer be wearable due to Spock’s haste in getting it off. James had been trying to get Spock’s shirt off without much success when he was pressed against the wall. This was mostly because Spock was holding James down by his wrists again.

“Do not joke about engaging Nyota in coitus,” Spock said as he placed his mouth on Jim’s neck and bit hard, eliciting a moan of pleasure or possibly pain from his lover.

“I love it when you’re mad and go all cave-Vulcan on me. First, I wasn’t joking. I’ve always wanted to try a threesome sober* and she’s like the only woman I trust to have sex with you and me. We should really take advantage of Bones’ stupidity.” That response resulted in James receiving a bite on his shoulder.

“That was an invitation for both of us. The best thing about being Vulcan married is I know all your dirty little sex fantasies. That includes the one where you’re watching me with my head between her legs as she sits pressed against not-so-little-Spock. Thanks to that perfect memory of yours, I know exactly how she should taste.” James accentuated his point by pulling his hands out of Spock’s grip and moving them to the part of Spock’s anatomy where most blood was flowing to at the moment. James fingers cupped him roughly through the fabric causing him to become harder.

“I believe that is one of your fantasies. You did mention it in one of your letters before we started dating,” Spock replied, purposely not giving away how James’ touch affected him. Instead, he chose to pull away under the guise of removing his shirt. “You’re the one that has the preference for the more risqué,” Spock said, before pressing himself against James once more.

“Don’t pull that sexually repressed Vulcan shit on me,” James replied as he wrapped his hands around Spock’s wrists. “You’re just as dirty as I am and you’re always _up_ for trying new things.” At this Jim proceeded to run his fingers over Spock’s knuckles before dragging the digits to his open mouth. “You did let me blow you during a conference call with Starfleet leadership, more than once,” James said before his lips enveloped Spock’s sensitive digits. His bond mate was referring to an incident that had occurred five weeks prior, and it was a blatant example of James’ constant attempt to antagonize Starfleet command.

“That was your suggestion. I regret giving in to such behavior. This may be why we’re being recalled.” James’ response was to laugh at his words, or it was as much of an approximation of a laugh as one could achieve while sucking on someone’s index finger. Spock could feel the vibrations of James’ amusement against his hand before he pulled away to smile at him. James’ response was to push him up against the wall again.

“Please, with your perfect Vulcan poker face, no one but Chris had any idea what we were doing. The fact that we are having sex at all is why we’re being recalled. They think I did what I did because we are together. The truth is, even if everything had happened in a dimension where we were still at each other’s throats half the time and you were still with Nyota, I would have done the same damn thing.” James said this as Spock moved his mouth to kiss and suck along Jim’s collar bone. “The idiots don’t get that because Admiral K is a Dick and honestly, Marcus is just upset that the rules did not change until after they destroyed his marri…”

At that moment, Spock moved up to James’ mouth, causing their lips and tongues to clash violently, their bodies slamming back into the wall. At that point, Spock was also reasonably sure that one of the images on the wall fell to the ground. Spock’s uncertainty was due to the current movement of James’ hands.

Spock could feel James fumbling with the buttons of his pants. His fingers brushed against Spock and he felt himself becoming even harder with every touch. Spock did the same with James. Spock enjoyed the feel of their bare skin against each other as he pressed James against the wall once more. He could feel Jim’s lust and love in every caress and touch. Their lips and mouth stayed connected. Eventually they pulled apart to breathe and to divest themselves of their remaining clothing. The contents of their toiletry bag were spilled haphazardly across the bed so that they could find the container of lubricant that Spock had packed.

At some point during their haste to get undressed, James accidentally kicked his shoes at Spock. Spock punished him by holding him down on the bed as he slowly kissed and sucked his way down James’ stomach until he came to the one place James wanted his mouth. He placed a teasing kiss to the tip, causing James to take a sharp intake of breath. Just as Spock was about to devour James with his mouth, James’ communicator chirped from somewhere in the room where it had been thrown in their haste. Spock quickly stopped his ministrations to look for the buzzing communicator. It was obviously Starfleet business.

“Don’t you dare stop! Let the fucking thing ring,” James said, pushing Spock back down.

“It is most likely Starfleet trying to contact us,” Spock said, pulling away, but he quickly found James’ arms and legs constricting around him.

“Don’t pick up the communicator. Everything will change. They’re going to try to take the ship away from us, but I really don’t give a fuck about that. I only care about you. I only love you. They will take you away from me. If you pick up that phone Chris will die and so will I.”

As the words fell from James’ lips, the scene shifted quickly. They were no longer wrapped around each other in their personal quarters, but rather fully dressed in engineering. James was behind a wall of glass and their fingers were pressed against it as James gave him one final Vulcan kiss. As James took his last breath, everything fell apart. Spock felt as if his heart was ripped out from the inside. Everything went black and then Spock opened his eyes.

It was a dream, or rather a nightmare, except it was not. Everything was constructed of memories, from the last time he had made love to James before the call that changed everything to James’ final declaration of love before he took his last breath. All of it was true.

The idea of living without James made him ill. Spock always knew that it was highly probable that he would outlive his human bond mate unless he actually did perish in something similar to the ‘volcano incident’. He would never voice the idea, but he would prefer something like that to the reality of living without his Jim. He never wanted to deal with a life without James, especially not this soon. Yet, this was his reality.

His mind was obviously compensating for James’ loss. He could still smell James. It seemed like a part of James was still in his mind when their bond should be in shreds. He could feel the heat of James against him as they curled together on a lazy morning. It almost felt as if their fingers where still entwined in one final kiss.

Spock quickly pulled his hand away, only to realize that he was actually holding someone’s hand. Yet it was not just any hand, but rather the hand of his t’hy’la. It was in that moment that Spock registered his surroundings. They were no longer in engineering or even aboard Enterprise. They appeared to be in a hospital room at an unknown Starfleet facility and Spock was lying in bed.

Next to him lay his James. His skin was still warm to the touch. Spock watched mesmerized as his lover pushed air in and out of his lungs. Spock’s hands traveled underneath the hem of James hospital gown to his heart. Spock had never experienced greater happiness in his entire existence until he felt James’ heart beat against his hand. Spock gave in to his illogical desire to press his ear up against his husband’s bare chest so that he could hear the beat of his heart and the flow of his blood. It was the most reassuring sound in the universe.

“It seems like you’re Briar Rose and he was your Prince Charming. I can bring you an old-style stethoscope if you still need to prove to yourself that he’s alive,” Spock heard Doctor McCoy quip from beside him. “I should take a picture. Nobody’s going to believe me when I say that you’re smiling.” Spock quickly schooled his features into his normal mask. He could give in to his elation once Doctor McCoy was out of the room. He was not comfortable showing his emotions in front of the doctor due to recent tension between him and the physician.

“That is not necessary,” Spock responded nonplussed. “My enhanced Vulcan hearing allows me to hear James’ heart adequately. How is this possible?” Spock remembered nothing between James taking his last breath and now waking up next to a living James.

“What’s the last thing you remember?” the doctor asked in a completely professional tone. Yet, Spock could detect worry in his words.

“Being with James in engineering as he…” Spock could not finish that sentence. The doctor knew what he was referring to anyway.

“Fuck, apparently the pointy earred doctor was right!” Doctor McCoy shouted.

“I assume you are referring to Doctor Weston.”

“She’s the only one of them with any damn sense. She’s also a real doctor.” Spock decided not to correct him.

“At least that explains why you went off the deep end,” the doctor mumbled.

“What is this ‘deep end’ that you are referring to?” Spock questioned, not because he did not understand the reference, but because he was not entirely sure he was capable of doing what was implied by the term.

“Oh, don’t you fucking start. You know damn well what I’m talking about. James died and you went psycho and went after the fucking psychopath responsible for Jim dying in the first place. You even started screaming the guy’s name, which is not something sane little Vulcans do. Due to my little animal experiment, I discovered that his blood contains properties that could repair any type of physical damage, even the stuff caused by James’ latest plan to save the crew.” The doctor closed his eyes for a moment at this.

“Then your crazy _girlfriend_ beamed down by herself to keep you from killing the ass that screwed us over, when she should have taken a damn security team with her. She saved the day and you passed out afterwards. I created a serum to bring James back after we put him in ice storage.” He doubted they put James in ice storage, but did not correct the doctor. It was most likely another one of his colorful idioms.

“According to the Vulcan doctor, we were only able to bring James back because he really wasn’t that dead. That crazy Vulcan marriage bond kept him among the living, and was most likely why you went unconscious. Unconscious in this case means healing trance.” Spock was uncertain how to respond to the doctor’s extraordinary tail except to correct his fallacy regarding Spock’s relationship with Nyota.

“Nyota is not my girlfriend and has not been for 12 months and… Exactly how long have I been unconscious?” Spock started in his defense before realizing he had no real recollection of time for the first time in his existence.

“Four days. Jimmy has been breathing on his own for the last two. We thought you would’ve woken up then, but it didn’t happen. Weston suggested skin to skin contact and thankfully it worked. Thank God, one of you woke up.” The doctor almost seemed happy at that.

“You almost sound concerned, doctor,” Spock remarked.

“I think my girlfriend is in love with you and I’m pretty sure that you stole my best friend, but I don’t want you dead or unconscious. I’m still your doctor, damn it.” Spock was taken aback by the statement.

“As I stated earlier, there is nothing going on between Nyota and myself.” Spock chose not to address his statement about James. He was well aware of that he did monopolize James’ time. However, the doctor had never requested that James spend additional time with him. James had told Spock that the doctor’s jealousy and mistrust were most likely related to his failed marriage to the one James referred to as a “self-righteous bitch” who cheated on Leonard with numerous gentleman. “Do not mistrust Nyota because of the treacherous actions of your former wife,” Spock told him bluntly.

“I know she is not my ex-wife, because that coldhearted witch doesn’t care about anybody but herself, not even our daughter,” Doctor McCoy said with tri-corridor in hand running various scans. “Nyota cares about you. She’s been here nearly every hour for the last four days. The only person who’s been here more has been me and Jim’s brother. I can barely get her to leave to eat or take a damn shower.” The doctor growled in frustration as he looked at the screen in front of him.

“The only reason why she’s not here now is because I forced her to leave. I didn’t want to get her hopes up if Doctor Weston’s idea did not work. You don’t do that for someone who is just a friend,” the man said bitterly, and yet there was underlying concern beneath the apparent gruffness. That seemed the norm with Leonard.

“Nyota once told me that ‘Friends stay by their friends' bedside when they're unconscious’,” Spock told Leonard, quoting verbatim what Nyota had told him when she waited by his bedside after he fainted because he had discovered that he was accidentally bonded to James. “If things were reversed, James would do the same for you.”

“Maybe before you, but not now,” the doctor mumbled so low that Spock only heard him because of his enhanced hearing.

“Has James’ mother come by to visit?” Spock asked tentatively in an effort to change the subject. James’ relationship with his mother was contentious. She was upset at James for joining Starfleet. She was angry that he had convinced his younger brother to follow in his footsteps. She was also unhappy that he was marrying a fellow Starfleet officer because she did not want James to become a bitter widow like her. They’ve spoken only once and not in person. Spock did not want their first face-to-face meeting to occur after he was unable to prevent James’ death (despite the fact it was apparently only temporary).

“No. Kevin has practically lived in that damn chair for the last four days, but Winona hasn’t bothered to call. She hung up on Kevin when he tried to tell her. She wouldn’t even take Admiral Nhi’s calls and the woman just lost her husband a week earlier. You know she was a good friend of Winona’s and the one who got her into rehab. They serve together a lot. She felt like Chris would want her to get Winona to be by Jim’s bedside.” It was obvious that Doctor McCoy was referring to ‘Nhi’ Pike, although apparently her rise to Admiral had only occurred during Spock’s incapacitation, most likely a result of the vast amount of Starfleet leadership killed by Khan. (No one actually knew the admiral’s real first name; everyone either referred to her by her nickname of Nhi, which meant little one in ancient Japanese, or Christopher’s nickname for her of “Number One”.)

At that moment, Nyota and James’ brother Kevin walked into the room. He was quickly enveloped in a hug from Nyota. “I knew you were awake. I just felt it,” Nyota said as she pulled away only to slap him in the face. “Don’t you fucking dare leave me like that again!”

“Oh yeah, really, she’s just a friend,” Spock heard Doctor McCoy mumble in the background as Kevin looked on slightly bewildered. Spock was more concerned with the fact that he could feel Nyota’s inner anguish over his incapacitation and James near-death without physical contact.

To be continued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who have read a lot of my stories, you know I hate writing sex scenes. So if you want me to ever attempt to write another one, please review.  
> Footnote: In the Dear Spock universe Jim’s ‘will fuck anything in a skirt” reputation is nothing more than a really nasty rumor. First, he is pansexual. Next, it would be more accurate to say that he made out with a lot of people, but ran away most of the time before it got farther. Including Spock, he has only had sex with 10 people and he was usually drunk at the time. See chapter 7 of Dear Spock for details. You may want to reread this chapter, because this stuff will be coming up again in later chapters.


	4. Chapter 3: Poetic Justice of the E-mail Kind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who were upset that Nyota never really got in trouble for reading Jim's special e-mails to Spock in the first story, this chapter is for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. Remember that reviews let me know what you like and what you don’t like. They also give me an incentive to wake up at 5 AM to work on new material.  
> To those of you who were concerned this story will not end S/K/U (if you’re into that sort of thing check out my story Take a Third Option). That doesn’t mean I’m not going to have some fun along the way. There was just too much of a threesome vibe in STID to ignore it completely and it may be necessary to crack a few jokes. If you haven't figured it out yet, this story is part satire, but with love.
> 
> My fabulous beta T'Purr chose the title for this chapter because I couldn’t make up my mind.

She really hates her boyfriend-- she means ex-boyfriend. He is such a prick sometimes and she really doesn’t know right now why she loves -- loved the dick. He’s grumpy, pushy, and sometimes he smothers her when he goes in to Doctor Mode. Okay, so maybe she reacted inappropriately by slapping Spock, but that does not give him the right to ban her from Spock’s bedside until noon the next day. Spock wasn’t mad at her at all, so why should Leonard be?

It is not like he doesn’t want to smack Jim upside the head too for what he has put them through for the last almost 5 days. She expects him to have the same reaction when Jim actually wakes up that she did to Spock. He’s such a hypocritical bastard.

His exact words were that he wasn’t letting her back in until she’s had a good night sleep, a shower, and has eaten something non-replicated that did not come from a hospital cafeteria, and then maybe he will consider letting her back into Jim and Spock’s hospital room, maybe. This is why she never should have dated a doctor. Again, he was such a hypocrite too, because she just knows he’s going to be sleeping in the on-call room again. The guy drives her fucking crazy.

She was assigned temporary quarters, but she just didn’t feel like being alone in a tiny room. Instead, she found herself at Jim and Spock’s apartment. Everything was as it was haphazardly left over a week ago. Half-open suitcases and discarded clothing covered the apartment. She almost cried when she found Jim’s discarded uniform covered in what was most likely Pike’s blood. She’s only been to the apartment twice in the last 4 ½ days. Both times, just long enough to shower and change uniforms.

She did not have time to think about cleaning. She should have, considering she found the roasted eggplant still in the oven from the dinner that didn’t happen. Spock wouldn’t let anybody eat until James showed up, then he never did because of what happened in London. She felt it was in her best interest to just throw the dish away too, since it was now its own science experiment. She didn’t want to think about that night right now. (Seriously, who came up with that stupid rule of gathering all the captains and first officer’s in a room together after a major disaster? Actually, who was the idiot who thought it would be a good idea to have such a meeting in an exterior room with windows?)

There’s no edible food in the fridge and she has this rule about eating replicated food when planet-side. That meant takeout and pizza was about the only thing she might be willing to eat, and the place down the street has no qualms about delivering to Starfleet housing after midnight. (The fridge is stocked with vast amounts of wine, beer, and chocolate laced alcohol. So of course she’s going to have a glass or four.) She ordered too much food, because she subconsciously forgot that her two best friends are in the hospital and her boyfriend-- ex-boyfriend -- is probably camped out near their hospital room. She is sure Kevin is still at Jim’s bedside because unlike her, Leonard McCoy cannot kick him out because he’s actually family.

She sat by herself at the table that was still set for the dinner that didn’t happen. Of course, one of the place settings was pushed aside to make room for one of Doctor Suarez’s therapy journals. Considering how agitated Spock was the night that everything fell apart, she’s not surprised to see this on the table. Spock was not very happy with Jim and he didn’t exactly want to talk about what happened in Admiral Pike’s office earlier that day.

She knew that they had had a fight because that was the only logical explanation for Jim going off to hide and Jim pretty much confirmed that during their elevator conversation. Okay, a lot of it came out during their ‘looking back on it now really inappropriate time’ conversation on the way to capture he-who-will-not-be-named. Okay, even she will admit that they should have held off on the conversation until a time when they weren’t at risk of being shot at by hostile Klingons. However, she still didn’t know the specifics of what happened in Admiral Pike’s office beyond the demotion and reassignments. She knew the answers were in the journal in front of her.

After her creative punishment of making her design the Vulcan-language-based encryption key that they plan to never let Starfleet get their hands on, she should have learned not to read things she shouldn’t. Jim even promised to give her a taste of her own medicine someday, whatever that means. It hasn’t happened yet. So she’s not worried. Maybe that’s why she opened the therapy journal and started reading anyway. (She blames the wine.)

* * *

* * *

 

June 4, 2259

_Dear James:_

_I will apologize for my abrupt behavior in Pike’s office, even if I’m not entirely sure what part of my behavior was so offensive, if you will please return home immediately. By this point in our relationship, we are both aware that we both say things that the other finds offensive and we both have a tendency to react inappropriately. After much meditation and cooking a dinner that I know you will most likely not eat, I realize that many hurtful things you said were only because you are fearful of what will happen if we are to serve on separate ships. I am equally worried about such an outcome. I have been worried about this since our meeting with Doctor Cruz. However, I have been unable to discuss or even write about this fear until now._

_After you left, I spoke to the Admiral about other options. I do not want to serve on a ship without you. If this means I must give up my position as first officer, I would be willing to do so. I do not care about my career in Starfleet. I care about you and I am uncertain if I can perform adequately on a ship without you._

_Christopher informed me that that may not be necessary. According to Starfleet regulation 49.6.B, we have the right to contest the decision made by Admiral Marcus at his tribunal, especially in light of the fact that we were not allowed to defend ourselves or even question Doctor Cruz’s report. Admiral Pike shared with me his copy of Doctor Cruz’s findings and at best he has only provided negative examples of how our relationship has affected our ability to lead while omitting the more numerous positive examples. At worst, his report contains malicious lies for purposes unknown. I believe the latter to be true, unfortunately. We have an appointment at 0900 hours with the lawyer that represented Admiral Pike and his wife when Starfleet tried to separate the couple. I will fight this because I wish not to be without you._

* * *

 

She stopped reading because she was crying again. She hated crying. She has done way too much crying in the last few weeks, and she really doesn’t want to think about the fact that their new Admiral is another Pike, who is trying to do the logical thing despite the fact that her husband died a little more than a week ago. She doesn’t want to think about whether Spock will behave the same way if Jim does not wake up soon. Nyota just wants things to be okay again.

She goes back to trying to eat, but she just manages to eat the chicken off of her salad and two bites of pizza. That’s still better than yesterday. She finds herself picking up the journal again, against her better judgment. She comes across the entry after the incident that started this entire mess, but she can’t bring herself to read it. Instead she turns back to the happier times of right after the engagement. She would give anything for her biggest problem to be talking Jim out of a quickie Vegas style wedding with Pike officiating. (She would give anything for Christopher Pike to be able to officiate at the wedding.)

* * *

 

May 7, 2259

_Dear James:_

_I had tea with my father while you were having lunch with my other self. (I am uncertain if I want to know what his reaction was to our upcoming marriage.) Unlike your mother, Sarek is pleased with our decision to marry in the human tradition. Unlike your mother, he is aware that, by Vulcan standards, we are already joined. Although similar to your mother, he did express his concerns over what would happen if one of us were to die or rather, if you were to die. He is worried about our difference in life expectancy. Your mother is only concerned with me dying and leaving you much like your father did her, due to the dangerous nature of our occupation. After losing my mother so unexpectedly, I think Sarek is afraid of what will happen to me if I were to lose you. (Surprisingly, my father was able to express this in a less abrasive manner than your mother.) I understand his objections. I think that my greatest fear is watching you die and being unable to prevent it._

* * *

 

Nyota’s response to reading those lines was to throw up everything that she barely managed to eat in the first place. It’s what she deserves for reading something she shouldn’t have read in the first place.

At least she now had a better idea of why Winona Kirk was avoiding everybody’s calls. Spock inferred that Winona objected to their marriage because she was afraid of Jim becoming a Starfleet widower. She hadn’t contemplated the possibility that it could have been the other way around, or maybe she had. Nyota knew that both she and Jim had pretty screwed up relationships with their parents. She felt like her parents forgot that she existed most of the time. It wasn’t like they even bothered to actually raise her. They cared more about Starfleet than her.

Jim’s problem stemmed from the fact that his mom was screwed up and she blamed 99% of her personal issues on Starfleet. Right now she resented Jim for joining an organization that took so much from her.

The irony is not lost on Nyota that they both joined the organization responsible for taking away any possibility of the two having a normal childhood. Of course, they didn’t join the Starfleet that is filled with people like Admiral Marcus, who go rogue and build warships, or where captains have to sacrifice their lives to save their crew because of the unintended consequences of a war monger being in charge. In her case, at least, she joined the Starfleet in the brochure with its promise of discovering new worlds and languages. That’s what she wanted, and it wasn’t like she was planning on having a family or getting married someday, so she wouldn’t leave her own kids behind like her parents had done with her. (She wasn’t planning on falling in love with snarky doctors either, but whatever.)

It was scary that of the three of them, Spock actually had the best relationship with his parents, or rather parent, now that Amanda was deceased. Unlike Winona, Sarek has been calling her to check on Spock every couple of hours since he was first notified of what happened. This is despite the fact that he is supposed to be in the middle of major negotiations on Babel.

She should call him, or rather email him, considering that it was 3 AM his time. Of course, this meant opening her email again. At least she didn’t receive any more stupid emails from Jim from beyond the sort-of-grave. Instead, there was a message from Spock’s father asking her to have Spock call him in the morning now that he has regained consciousness. Apparently, Leonard already informed the ambassador of the improvement in Spock’s condition. Leonard apparently also informed Doctor Suarez of a certain incident that happened after Spock woke up this afternoon. That was obvious from the subject line of her email message.

* * *

From: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

To:  UhuraNX

Subject: We need to set up an appointment.

Time sent: 6/13/2259 22:12:11

I was going to write you anyway after being BCC’d on your ‘therapy’ email to our favorite comatose captain. Considering you hugged and then slapped your ex-boyfriend as soon as he woke up from a four day coma, I think we really need to talk. Thanks to the fact that I know several ambassadors and one of my good friends just became an admiral because she lost her husband due to an act of terrorism and Starfleet stupidity, I'm able to get to Earth earlier than expected.

Technically, I’m being recalled because our friend Stacy Cruz made a bigger mess of things than expected and I’m being brought in to clean things up. If I had known he was going to do this, I never would have left or vouched for him. I should have just agreed to be a private  
contractor instead of re-enlisting.

Because of your little outburst, you have homework. I hope that you brought your therapy journal with you because you're going to be writing a bunch of letters. First, I want you to write Spock an apology for slapping him. Actually, you don't have to use your therapy journal for that one, because you should probably send it. If you want to write a version that is too explicit to actually send to Spock you can do that one in your therapy journal before you write the message you intend to actually send.

Next, I want you to write another letter to Jim. Don't send this one. Also, please don't promise him a threesome. That alone makes me think that maybe your boyfriend isn’t just paranoid and maybe you and Spock still have a few things you need to work out. We're going to need to talk about that when I get planet-side because I think that conversation is going to be too complicated for email.

Finally, you need to write the boyfriend and tell him exactly what you’re thinking, instead of telling everybody else why he’s driving you crazy. I'm still calling him your boyfriend because this isn't a break-up but rather an ongoing fight. Again, don’t send this message, but just get your thoughts together.

When I know exactly when I'm getting to Earth, I will email you with an appointment time.

* * *

 

Nyota felt she had no choice but to respond to that email and quickly started dictating.

* * *

 

From: UhuraNX

To:  mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

Subject: RE: We need to set up an appointment.

Time sent: 6/14/2259 01:12:11

See, this is why I'm mad at Leonard: he can't mind his own business. I can't believe he told you about me slapping Spock. Do I have to do this ridiculous project? Why can't I send the letter to Leonard? Like I told the therapist that my parents made me see in high school, if I’m going to go through the effort of dictating a letter, I should actually send it.

Okay, I realize that physical violence is bad and we are probably going to end up in best friend therapy again like last time, but he deserved it. First, he almost died on me. No, it was worse than that. It was suicide by volcano. Volcano! He kept saying it was for the greater good and that we're supposed to follow the stupid regulations. I hate those fucking regulations.  They’re so stupid. This entire nightmare happened because of those stupid regulations and because Dr. Cruz is a Starfleet lackey and a moron. I'm not surprised that they're 'technically' recalling you because of the mess he made. This is all his fault. Now, he is the person I really wanted to smack.

Then after Jim -- I can't even talk about it. Spock just lost it and he went after the guy responsible for what happened. I was so scared, but I couldn't stop him from doing so, even if I wanted to. At the time, I think I was too caught up in my own anger to try. I was terrified. I couldn't save him from himself. I couldn't reach him, not until I said Jim's name.

When Spock went out, for a moment, I thought he was dead. I thought I had lost everything. Jim was gone, Leonard was being a prick, and for that one moment I thought Spock was gone too. I hated that moment. I don't want to be alone. I don't think I can handle it.

* * *

 

From: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

To:  UhuraNX

Subject: RE: We need to set up an appointment.

Time sent: 6/14/2259 01:21:35

Why do I have this feeling that you sent your high school therapist into early retirement? Considering what I just read, you really need to write those letters and we are meeting as soon as I get on planet.

I don't want you to send your message to Leonard because I think you'll be more honest with yourself if you know he's not going to see what you write. Right now you need to be honest with yourself.

Why are you mad at Leonard? Why are you so upset at Spock? Why are you mad at Jim? Why are you still up at 1:20 AM planet time writing me these emails? Why are you unable to sleep? Why have you been practically living in Jim and Spock's hospital room until their doctor kicked you out? Why have you been unable to eat?

You need to answer these questions for yourself before you give the answers to anyone else, including me. The purpose of this exercise is for you to gather your thoughts. This is just a tool to do so.

* * *

 

Okay, so that response annoyed her and led to her sending a message that she will probably regret in the morning.

* * *

 

From: UhuraNX

To:  mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

Subject: We need to set up an appointment.

Time sent: 6/14/2259 01:29:51

I can't sleep because about five days ago I watched my best friend's husband die in front of me, and then I watched him go off the deep end because of the consequences of some psycho Admiral and his pet science project trying to murder us all. I am mad at my **ex-boyfriend** because he doesn't trust me not to have sex with my ex -- Spock. I realize Leonard may see the teeniest bit of sexual tension between me and Spock. When you compare it to what is going on between Jim and Spock, it’s negligible. It's like comparing the light from the moon to the light that comes from the sun. If we were both the same gender, most people wouldn't even notice it, but because we're a guy and girl, people are going to see things that aren't there. I just didn't expect Leonard to do that. I'm not sure if he really loves me, because it's obvious he doesn't trust me. I can't stay with a guy that doesn't trust me.

PS: I did have half a slice of pizza and half a chicken salad. See, I’m eating.

* * *

 

Nyota felt no need to let her therapist know that she didn’t exactly keep that food down, or that she really hasn’t been eating in general for the last four, almost 5 days.

* * *

* * *

 

From: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

To:  UhuraNX

Subject: RE: We need to set up an appointment.

Time sent: 6/14/2259 01:37:39

See, this honesty exercise is already working.

Also, how much of that did you actually keep down?

* * *

 

Okay, she really missed her high school therapist who was a complete idiot and never picked up on anything. Doctor Suarez knows her too well. This is probably the only reason why Nyota feels comfortable being honest with the woman. If she were dealing with Doctor Cruz, she would be lying through her teeth right now. Actually, if this exchange were happening with Doctor Cruz, she would have deleted the first message without bothering to reply. God, she hated that man.

* * *

 

From: UhuraNX

To:  mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

Subject: RE: We need to set up an appointment.

Time sent: 6/14/2259 01:41:18

You are like the worst therapist ever. I can't keep anything from you. Why can’t you be as incompetent as my high school therapist or Dr. Cruz? Fine, I will do the stupid therapy project.

* * *

 

Since Dr. Suarez left the ship, her therapy journal has been buried somewhere deep in her closet or possibly Leonard’s closet. Half of her things were there any way because she spent most nights in his room. It made sense since of the two, he was the one most likely to get dragged out of his room in the middle the night and people sort of needed to know where the ships CMO was at all times. She wasn’t going to write in Spock’s therapy journal, because that would be an invasion of his privacy. Also, doing that would probably tell him that she was reading it in the first place. That meant braving the inherent dangers of doing it digitally, which she wanted to avoid after the entire Jim/Spock email fiasco. She actually looked in their bedroom to see if she could find a blank therapy journal, but she couldn’t find one. After 10 minutes of looking, she decided to just write an email and save it. She doubted that Jim’s special little glitch would auto forward emails from her inbox.

Therefore, she lay down on the freshly made bed and started writing the easiest email of all, the one to Spock.

* * *

From: UhuraNX

To: SpockX

 **Time written:** 6/14/2259 2:10:54

Subject: Sorry I slapped you but I don't like the thought of losing you

So apparently I have incurred the wrath of Dr. Suarez and I have **Therapy homework,** even though she is still on the Vulcan colony, thanks to any number of the members of the ‘Powers that fuck with us and absolutely hate us’. Is it wrong that I hope most of those admirals are now dead? (Unfortunately, K was one of the survivors.) I'm not sure.

The first thing I'm supposed to do is write you this apology. I probably would've apologized to you eventually. I know I shouldn't slap you, especially after what happened last time. I'm not looking forward to more therapy sessions.

I’m still mad at you for the volcano incident. Maybe if we weren't ambushed by Klingons, I would have told you that I don't buy that bullshit that you told me and Jim back then. You're my best friend, I know you too damn well and I just know your actions were based on another type of fear. Maybe you're afraid that Jim will do something stupid and kill himself more permanently then he actually did, or maybe you're afraid that he will eventually lose interest and therefore you’re trying not to feel anything because you’re afraid of feeling everything. Okay, so maybe I now know this because I sort of looked at your therapy journal, but you did leave it on the table. Even though your husband is still in a coma, at least he cares about you and trusts you. Jim doesn't think we're screwing, unlike a certain grumpy doctor that will remain nameless.

Why does everybody think we’re sleeping together when we are just friends? Actually, it's kind of funny because, before the official announcement that you and Jim are getting married, at least a third of the crew still thought you guys were just friends who happen to spend a lot of time around each other and touch each other constantly.

Really, some people are clueless. I guess I just thought Leonard knew me better than that. I didn't think he would believe all the silly rumors. It also feels like he's making me choose between you and him and, well, I chose you. You are my best friend. You get me the way no one else does. I thought I could have that with Len. I thought maybe this time I found a boyfriend who could be my friend and lover. You came close, but as I told Dr. Suarez, it was like comparing the sun to the moon. What you and Jim have is explosive and what you and I have is the basis for a lifelong friendship. Is it wrong that I hope someday I find what you have with Jim? I want that. I thought I had it and I didn't. Maybe that's why I am so mad. I don't know.

Considering your husband is still in a coma, I don't think I should send you this message right now (especially because I told you about reading your therapy journal). I'll write something short in the morning.

Maybe tomorrow I should just bring your favorite cookies or chocolate. I should probably bring chocolate, but that would mean actually emailing a certain stupid ex-boyfriend of mine to find out if you can have chocolate. So I guess it's going to be apricot cookies for you.

Love, Nyota

PS: I mean that platonically, although I would do a threesome if I thought it would get Jim to wake up.

PPS: No, I don’t want to have a threesome just to piss off Leonard.

PPPS: Okay, maybe I do want to piss the ass off a little.

* * *

 

From: UhuraNX

To: KirkJT

Time written: 6/14/2259 2:35:01

Subject: At least your husband is conscious now.

Okay, never smack somebody in front of somebody that will blab the entire incident to our psychiatrist. I have therapy homework. She's a little cruel sometimes.

I still can't sleep, so I'm writing you this email that I hope you will get to read as soon as you wake up, even if I’m not supposed to actually send it to you. I really don't know what to say, except I'm still mad at you. Your ‘final’ email to me was a very shady thing to send.

Maybe I am less stressed out now because Spock is up. Although, I have a feeling your death has affected him more than it has me. Spock wouldn't take his hand off your chest for the entire 30 minutes that I was actually allowed to speak with him before my stupid ex-boyfriend kicked me out.

Just wake up. We all kind of need you, especially Spock.

* * *

 

Nyota actually did almost send that letter. But in the end she saved it. Now she was left to write the hardest letter and the easiest. After 10 minutes and finding something non-explicit in Jim’s extensive music collection, she finally started to dictate.

From: UhuraNX

To: McCoyL

Time written: 6/14/2259 2:54:43

Subject: You are an asshole but I still kind of love you anyway, sometimes.

Why did I fall love with  
you? I don't know right now. You're a dick. My best friend wakes up from a coma after four days and you kick me out after 30 minutes. We’re not together right now  but you act like you always are doing what's best for me when you don't know what's best for me, you just think you know what's best for me. But you don't. I need to be there.

It's not like I'm actually sleeping. The little bit of food I actually did eat came right back up when I accidentally discovered that his biggest fear was watching Jim die and not being able to do a damn thing about it. Unfortunately, that fear came true and I had to watch. Yes, you had to declare your best friend dead. I had to watch him die. I had to watch somebody die again, Leonard. Do you have any idea how hard it is to watch somebody you love take that last breath in front of you? Unlike you, I’m not trained to deal with that sort of thing.

Every time I close my eyes, I see it. I keep reliving that moment over and over again. Sometimes it's not Jim. Sometimes, I'm seeing Marc behind the glass. Other times, I see you.

That's what hurts me the most, watching you die. I don't know if I could survive that. Maybe it's better to just let go now. It's not like you feel the same way about me.

Why don't you trust me? Spock is like a Kinsey five. If we were not such great friends and he wasn't completely emotionally numbed by his mother’s death, I'm pretty sure nothing would have happened. Back then it was just sex. Good sex, but just sex. Emotionally, we are closer now. That doesn't really matter because you still think something is going on. You think that I will leave you for Spock.

Maybe the better question is not why you don't trust me, but why are you afraid of my relationship with him? Why are you making me choose? I don't have an answer to that question and I don't think I'm ready to ask you about it. I'm not sure if I want to. Maybe I should just cut my losses, I don't know. I love you, but I still think you're an asshole.

* * *

 

By the end of the email she’s crying again. But she feels more at ease than she has in days, enough that she actually falls asleep before she has time to think about leaving the all too comfortable bed for her futon.

* * *

 

November 12, 2258

Jim was slowly getting used to the concept of having a boyfriend or bondmate or whatever. It was weird, especially because of the lack of sex and all the arguing, but Jim was adjusting. Okay, the therapy session where they were hitting each other with giant foam sticks helped a lot. Having his own personal Vulcan pillow to lay his head on as he was working on his perfect revenge for Nyota reading his personal emails is nice. Making her come up with a decent encryption key that the idiots in command can never figure out wasn’t quite enough. She did invade his privacy, even if she did help him and Spock get together. Of course, maybe Jim was a little too happy and he totally forgot that Spock can pick up on his emotions, even without skin to skin contact. He still wasn’t sure how he felt about that yet.

“What are you planning to do to Nyota?” Spock asked, looking up from the journal article that Jim knew he had been reading.

“I’m just giving her a taste of what she did to me. I don’t like people reading my personal thoughts. You’re different, because it’s you. I just want her to know what it’s like, so she will learn not to do that again,” Jim said with a grin.

“I’m not sure that’s possible,” Spock mumbled under his breath. “You’re not hacking into her personal email account?” Spock punctuated his question with the rise of one eyebrow.

“Of course not,” Jim said with faux innocence. “I am just reprogramming Outlook 2257 to auto forward any messages that she writes to you or me that she doesn’t actually send to us at 6 AM each morning. See, I’m all done now.” Jim could feel Spock wasn’t sure what he thought of Jim’s creative punishment, although he did agree that it was unfair for her to abuse her privileges to read Jim’s private thoughts. Those emotions were coming through loud and clear, even without the Spock version of a glare. Vulcan marriage was weird. It was probably best that Jim didn’t tell Spock, but he also programmed Outlook to forward any messages that Nyota wrote to Bones but never actually sent to him.

“You should have consulted with me before you devised this punishment. Nyota usually sends her therapy emails herself. You should reset her account to its normal settings,” Spock said out loud.

“Okay, that’s so unfair,” James pouted. Of course, he didn’t do this for long, because in seconds Spock was biting his lip. When he felt Spock’s tongue in his mouth, he kind of forgot all about certain communications officers who are too nosey for their own damn good, and he never bothered to actually reset her account.

* * *

 

 

To be continued

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some may be mad at me because there’s a chance that the next chapter won’t be done until after STID is available via digital download. If I stick to my outline, I’m going to need to have access to the movie to rewrite a couple of scenes for the next chapter. When you factor in proofreading, that most likely means a new chapter will not be ready until September. Of course, I could totally change my mind and put that stuff later in the story. It depends on my muse and if I’m convinced otherwise.


	5. Chapter 4: I am an asshole (but I’m not going to tell you that).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. Sorry about the lag between updates, but it was necessary for me to wait until the film was available digitally so I could re-watch certain scenes over and over again. It made for inspired writing, no matter what. The more I watch, the more I like the film.
> 
> I am once again shocked by how well STID fits into the Dear Spock Universe, the best example is Nyota’s reaction to Bones almost getting blown up by the torpedo. It was on par with her reaction to Spock in the volcano. I’m not changing anything with what happened on Nibiru. The way Nyota behaved around Spock still works perfectly for what I want. Jim and Spock acted so much like a married couple it was kind of scary. They definitely acted like two people who were in love with each other, especially the way they looked at each other. Honestly, the only things that does not fit at all, are the Kitty cat twins incident and Spock being the one to blab about what happened on Nibiru and, well, I’ve already changed that in this story.
> 
> I wrote two chapters back to back to make up for the long wait. I felt inspired.

 

 

Leonard is uncertain if this is a dream or maybe a memory, but he doubts this is his present reality. It’s the evening after the incident on Nibiru and he has had to listen to various staff members repeat various pieces of supposedly juicy gossip regarding his girlfriend’s reaction to Commander Spock's stupid stunt in the volcano. Really, he thought that Jim being Vulcan-married to the damn computer would result in Jim being less reckless, not the hobgoblin starting to take on some of Jim's more ridiculous bad habits. Although in true Spock fashion, he was more worried about Jim violating the Prime Directive to save him than his own safety. He doesn’t care what Jim says, he knows for a fact that the computer would have left Jim in the volcano to die if roles were reversed.

While Jim and Spock were arguing like the old married couple that they actually were in the transporter room, he was told that his girlfriend was visibly shaking. He knew that she was upset and concerned. The hobgoblin was supposedly her best friend now that they were no longer dating. Of course, the rumor going around the ship was that she was so upset about the volcano thing because she was still in love with Spock and was trying to get him back from Jim. The second part was an outright lie, but the first part was possible. It was made more plausible by the fact that Leonard witnessed her scream at the Vulcan once the day was saved and they were away from everyone else. He came in at the end of that argument because his supposed best friend was upset at him for stating the unfortunate truth about his husband’s obsession with the fucking rules.

Not that he doesn’t like the hobgoblin, it’s just that Jim and possibly Nyota are so in love with him that they can’t see any of his faults. The Vulcan still keeps everybody at arm’s length, even after several months of therapy. Hell, it’s getting worse now that the idiot Cruz is in charge. (Leonard is already trying to think of a way to get that guy away from his patients before he gets somebody killed with his incompetence.) Leonard is really tired of hearing about the great Spock, especially from his lovesick best friend and girlfriend. Okay, his girlfriend is currently not singing the praises of her ‘He really is just a friend’. She is currently cursing him out for what he put her through. It was not lost on him that Jim said some of the same things. Actually, it made him more inclined to believe that she wasn’t over her ex.

After the disaster that was his first marriage, maybe he should know not to confront her right now. But considering his first marriage ended because his wife was screwing her supposed best friend, Leonard felt like he had no choice but to confront her about it.

“You know, all that work on Vulcan marriage customs that I was doing on New Vulcan before we got called away for this mission was not for me. Spock is my best friend and he is Vulcan-married to your best friend. Considering you are listening to idle ship gossip, I doubt that I will be planning my wedding anytime soon,” she told him with bitterness in her voice. Of course at the time he completely missed her implication that the only person she wanted to marry was him.

“It’s a good thing I don’t believe in marriage anymore.” It’s not until later that he became aware of the flicker of pain in her eyes at that moment. “I did not need to hear the latest ship gossip to know that you’re still in love with your best friend. I just listened to you screaming about what an idiot he is for the last 15 minutes, after you cursed him out in person for picking up his husband's stupidity streak. You were falling apart on the bridge when everything was going down. Jim is Spock’s husband and he was holding it together better than you were.” It was the truth. Okay, he has known Jim long enough to know that the man was panicking on the inside and was desperate to find any way to get Spock out safely, regardless of the consequences.

“Live through having your best friend die in your arms and see how well you react to the possibility of having to go through it again, you coldhearted prick,” she screamed at him, referring to the Marc incident.

“Jim is my best friend. Between his stupidity and the allergies, that pretty much happens on a daily basis,” he retorted.

“Suicide is different.” He tried to put an arm around her, but she just pushed him away.

“Do you really think you’re going to get sex right now?” she yelled with an angry glare.

“I’m well aware that’s not going to happen, I was married once before,” he screamed back at her. “I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you about the fact that you’re still in love with your ex-boyfriend.”

“Yes, I love Spock.”

“I knew it,” he said, cutting her off before she could actually continue.

“Like you love Jim, not how Jim loves Spock,” she told him, rolling her eyes.

“I’ve never slept with Jim,” he shot back at her.

“Oh my God, that was almost a year ago, for only a few weeks, under some very screwed up circumstances. It’s not that big of a deal. It’s not like you came into this relationship a virgin either, considering you have a daughter that I actually like. Are you jealous of Spock?” she asked incredulously.

“No, I am not jealous of the hobgoblin. My ex had a guy best friend who was supposedly just the best friend until I caught the two fucking in our bed. There’s an old saying back home, 'Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me'.”

“Except, I’m not trying to fool you,” she said defensively. “I’m not the bitch who broke your heart.”

“I know that,” he shot back at her.

“I don’t think you do. You don’t trust me and I can’t stay in a relationship where you don’t trust me. I’m done,” she said, walking away from him.

“Where are you going?” Leonard asked.

“Supposedly to give my best friend a blow job, because according to the ship rumor mill that you trust more than me, I’m the ship slut who only has her position because she spreads her legs for everyone in command. Since we are not together anymore I can do whatever and whoever the hell I want. So, fuck you!”

xxxx

His eyes open at the memory of her angry words. Okay, his eyes open at the sound of his alarm. It was 6:01 AM and he had patients to see other than Jim and Spock. Every single trauma center on the West Coast was inundated with survivors. If it wasn’t for the ability to transport the survivors directly out of the fallen buildings destroyed by a ship falling from the sky, the casualties would be significantly higher. He was still dealing with the survivors from Enterprise herself, with the rest of his medical staff helping with the general recovery effort.

Leonard is thankful that the alarm woke him up this time before the dream could. At least it was not his subconscious remembering the sight of Jim’s lifeless body on the table or their last real argument. Yet, the dream was still painful for many different reasons now because in retrospect, he realizes that Nyota was right. The most painful moment of his life was seeing Jim on the table and knowing that he couldn’t do anything. But he will never tell her that because maybe he does now agree that you can love a friend that deeply, but he’s just not sure that’s the case with her and Spock, especially in light of the good Vulcan doctor’s theory about how Nyota was able to reach Spock during the middle of his homicidal nervous breakdown. Leonard refuses to go through the disaster that was his marriage ever again.

He tries to forget about Nyota as he gets ready for the day, but it’s hard considering she’s the only reason why he has an extra set of clothing at the hospital. He has been to his Starfleetprovided apartment one time during the last four days and that was just long enough to see that the place was still there and to grab a few things. He showers and has just enough time to choke down an energy bar before doing his morning rounds. His patients are fine. Most will be discharged either today or tomorrow.

Even Spock could be discharged today because his tests are coming out perfectly normal, for a human-Vulcan hybrid, anyway. But he at least wanted to wait until the Vulcan mind doctor has time to look at him. The fact that the Vulcan woke up with his head on Jim’s chest and kept his hand near his husband’s heart during the course of the entire checkup did not point to the best of mental health. Neither is the fact that the guy is on a cocktail of anti-depression drugs. It’s a sad situation when you have to give anti-depressants to a Vulcan.

He finds Kevin sleeping in the chair next to Jim’s bed again. He’s been there every night. Half the time Nyota was in the other chair, but she was never asleep. He wanted to throw the kid out too last night but the guy was legally Jim’s brother and he couldn’t do that, not yet anyway. Technically, he couldn’t throw Nyota out either because Spock named her his medical proxy. (Jim was primary, but the man was in a coma, so it didn’t matter.) She needed rest, and therefore he acted in her best interest because it was obvious she would not. Actually, she needed a lot of things, but most of all she needed to be out of the hospital room. It was killing her from the inside.

Of course, he knew her too well and knew she would be back by 10, if not earlier. He might as well have her bring food and a change of clothes for the kid. Really, that was the only reason why he grabbed his personal PADD to email her. He shot off the message before reading the other 2000 messages that he hasn’t really gotten to over the last few days. Trying to keep people from dying usually made reading his email a very low priority. Unless they were from his baby JoJo he usually didn’t bother to open it, unless it was something important. The message from Doctor Suarez telling him she talked to Nyota and assigned her writing therapy fell in that category, along with the message from Spock’s father. As far as he was concerned, Starfleet can call if they needed his attention so damn badly.

There was also a message from Nyota from 6 AM that just proved to him that she probably didn’t sleep at all last night. That would not surprise him. She has not slept more than two hours at a time during the last four days.

He’s not surprised that her subject line refers to him as an asshole. She called him worse when he kicked her out last night. It’s the confession of love that stopped him cold. During the nearly 9 months that they have been together, he has never heard the words from her. It never bothered him because his cow of an ex-wife used to say the words all the time and they never meant anything. Okay, that is a fucking lie. It did bother him, especially because she so freely admitted to being in love with Spock (supposedly as just a friend, yeah right), but has yet to say the words to him out loud. Maybe if she said the damn words to him, he wouldn’t be so insecure about her relationship with Spock. He doesn’t know what to make of the fact that she said it in an email in combination with her calling him an asshole.

The tone of the message is strange. It reminds him of that letter that Jim wrote to his brother Sam that he came across accidentally that resulted in Jim not speaking to him for days. Dr. Suarez did say that Nyota was supposed to write a few therapy letters. Of course, the Doctor said that she wasn’t supposed to actually send the letters. But when did his girlfriend – ex-girlfriend – ever do what she is supposed to do? God, she’s almost as bad as Jim and just as stubborn.

He continues to read anyway, because whatever she decided to write him, he probably needs to read it.

_XXXXx_

_Why did I fall love with you? I don't know right now. You're a dick. My best friend wakes up from a coma after four days and you kick me out after 30 minutes. We’re not together right now but you act like you always are doing what's best for me when you don't know what's best for me, you just think you know what's best for me. But you don't. I need to be there._

xxxx

There’s also a word missing in the first sentence. So that could point to her being drunk. That could explain her sending something like this. Oh hell, he heard the letter that she dictated to Jim when she was completely sober. If she was angry enough she would send him something like this. Her sending him an angry rant about him kicking her out of the hospital seems like a possibility. She called him a dick three times before she actually left the hospital. Personally, he was shocked that he did not have to call security.

_XXX_

_It's not like I'm actually sleeping. The little bit of food I actually did eat came right back up when I accidentally discovered that his biggest fear was watching Jim die and not being able to do a damn thing about it._

_XXX_

Shit! Leonard doesn’t know what worries him more, the fact that she is unable to eat or sleep or the fact that she probably took another peek at Spock’s therapy journal. Although, if such a thing were true, he’s making the right call with not releasing Spock until the special Vulcan doctors arrive. He has gotten good at treating the Vulcan body over the last year, but he’s not even going to try to touch the Vulcan mind. He’s already seen the guy go off the deep end twice in the last 14 months; he doesn’t want to see it again.

xxxx

_Unfortunately, that fear came true and I had to watch. Yes, you had to declare your best friend dead. I had to watch him die. I had to watch somebody die again, Leonard._

_XXX_

He found out about that yesterday when he heard her angry rant to Jim. No one knew that she watched Jim die. Mr. Scott said that she did not arrive to engineering until after Jim -- until after Jim stopped breathing. Apparently, she arrived earlier than anyone noticed. He knew just seeing Jim’s body like that would be a trigger for anybody, but he knew it would be worse for her and would most likely trigger flashbacks to the Marc situation. Hell, he already knew that the volcano incident was triggering flashbacks.

xxx

_Do you have any idea how hard it is to watch somebody you love take that last breath in front of you? Unlike you, I’m not trained to deal with that sort of thing._

xxxx

Those words made him angry. He is not some unfeeling machine, unlike her BFF. It is never easy on him when a patient dies. It was always worse when it was a little kid because the situation would always make him think about his baby JoJo. Mostly working with adults was one of the reasons why he found Starfleet appealing, despite having to work in the disease infested darkness of space.

Contrary to what she thinks, he did have to watch somebody he loved die, his own father. Worst of all, he was the one that ordered that he be taken off of life support. (He was glad that Jim is now breathing on his own because he never wants to make that decision again.) Of course, his girlfriend – ex-girlfriend –  probably didn’t know that. He is not entirely sure if he ever told her.

XXX

_Every time I close my eyes, I see it. I keep reliving that moment over and over again. Sometimes, it's not Jim. Sometimes, I'm seeing Marc behind the glass. Other times, I see you._

_XXX_

Those lines surprise him, but not as much as they should have. After he kicked Nyota out of Spock’s room, but before he had the good sense to sedate the hobgoblin, he may have said something about her strong reaction to Spock almost dying. The hobgoblin just had to tell him about how she acted on the bridge when he almost got blown up by the torpedo. Of course, the hobgoblin also had to point out how upset she was with him flirting with Dr. Marcus. That may have been his retaliation for all the rumors about her kissing Spock after they returned from arresting the sociopathic superman. Unfortunately, the hobgoblin confirmed that it was a quick peck to the cheek with no hand contact which contradicted what the rumor mill (i.e., Jim) said, which makes him feel like an even bigger ass.

He understands her words all too well. He keeps having that same nightmare. Instead of Jim being in the body bag, it’s her. That’s his greatest fear.

_XXx_

_That's what hurts me the most, watching you die. I don't know if I could survive that._

_XXX_

He understands what she is saying, because he couldn’t survive it either. Those moments when he thought Jim was gone for good practically tore him apart. He doesn’t know what he would do if it was her. Again, he thinks about what Spock told him last night. She was afraid of him dying. He feels so stupid about his jealousy now, but again, he would never tell her that.

_XXX_

_Maybe it's better to just let go now. It's not like you feel the same way about me._

_XXX_

Those words made him feel like a fool, more than before. He was upset at her earlier for never saying I love you, but he never exactly said the words either. Half the time he’s not sure why he has never said the words to her. He’s not even sure he believes in love anymore. He loved 'she who will not be named' and that turned out to be a disaster in the end.

_xxxx_

_Why don't you trust me? Spock is like a Kinsey five. If we were not such great friends and he wasn't completely emotionally numbed by his mother’s death, I'm pretty sure nothing would have happened. Back then it was just sex. Good sex, but just sex. Emotionally, we are closer now. That doesn't really matter because you still think something is going on. You think that I will leave you for Spock._

_XXX_

In a weird way her words are ironic, because she has left him for Spock, but not in the way he was insinuating when they broke up. Spock matters more to her than he does and Leonard hates that. He already lost Jim to the hobgoblin, he doesn’t want to lose her too, but he already has.

_XXX_

_Maybe the better question is not why you don't trust me, but why are you afraid of my relationship with him? Why are you making me choose? I don't have an answer to that question and I don't think I'm ready to ask you about it. I'm not sure if I want to. Maybe I should just cut my losses, I don't know. I love you, but I still think you're an asshole._

_XXx_

Her words make him want to laugh and cry simultaneously, which is quite a feat. Leonard is about to hit the reply button until he notices the message below that one that completely shocks him. Not because of the subject line of “poetic justice of the email kind” but because that email was sent to him from a guy who was still in a coma the last time he checked 35 minutes ago.

_XX_

_From: KirkJT_

_To: McCoyL_

_Time sent: 6/14/2259 6:00:01_

_Subject: poetic justice of the email kind_

_If you’re getting this message, then that means that your love_ _Nyota_ _has finally activated my revenge for her reading all my personal emails. Any time she writes you an email that she does not plan to send, this program will auto forward it to you at 6 AM._

_Happy reading, Bones._

_xxxx_

Fuck, that explains what he just read from Nyota. She actually had no intention of him ever seeing that email, but Jim being the dick that he was — is, decided to set up his special crazy brand of computer glitch in his girlfriend’s email account.

“If you weren’t already in a coma, I would put you in one,” he mumbles to no one in particular.

“Who are you talking to?” he hears Nyota say as she walks into the room.

“Jim,” he replies, without even thinking.

“Shouldn’t you at least be in the same room with him when you curse his existence? I find it more effective that way,” she quips.

“It works better this way. I’m less tempted to actually strangle him if he is not within range,” he grouses under breath.

“I’m just going to blame sleep deprivation for this,” she says, giving him a sad look.

“And exactly how many hours did you get last night?” he asks with the concern of her doctor and not as her boyfriend, or whatever.

“About four. I would have slept longer, but I forgot to deactivate Jim’s horrible alarm clock.” He rolls his eyes at that as she hands him a cup of good coffee. Things are starting to go back to "normal" on this side of town after the state of emergency and that means decent coffee again.

“I didn’t get your message until I was halfway here, but luckily for you I was planning to bring more clothing and food even though you kicked me out yesterday. I already gave Kevin his breakfast and coffee. He told me he was going to try to call Winona again. I also brought Spock apricot cookies, but I did not give them to him because he is still asleep and I didn't know if he can have the cookies.”

“You can give him the cookies just as long as there’s no chocolate in them. Chocolate does not mix very well with some of the medications that he’s on.”

“Look, I’m sorry I forced you to leave, but at least you got four hours of sleep last night. That’s better than what you’ve been getting lately. Spock wanted you to sleep in your own bed, anyway.”

“That’s because he’s always going to give the logical answer. Just drink your coffee and have some fruit,” she says, shaking her head.

“Only if you actually eat something,” he says, remembering the words from her letter. Come to think of it, she’s barely consumed anything in the last five days.

“That’s okay. I’m not hungry.” She says it as if she felt like she is about to throw up at any moment. As a doctor, he was used to that tone of voice.

“I can give you a hypo for the nausea and then maybe you can actually eat one of those breakfast sandwiches you brought without it coming right back up,” he says without thinking.

“How do you know that I can’t keep anything down? You didn’t receive any strange emails this morning with dubious subject lines, did you?” Shit! He'd already said something that he only could’ve gotten from her emails. Unlike Jim, she is a bit sharper.

“It was a lucky guess due to the fact that you look like you’re about to throw up on my shoes,” he lies. “The only crazy emails I have been getting are from Starfleet and I'm tempted to delete most of those without reading.” Leonard decided that it was in her best interest for her not to know about Jim’s little revenge plot. Nyota wasn’t telling him things and she was a mess. He was worried about her and the only way to keep her well was to know these things. Besides, the letter was addressed to him anyway. For medical reasons, it is the right thing to do.

He actually got her to take an anti-nausea hypo before everything fell apart, due to the unplanned arrival of Dr. Marcus. That resulted in him getting kicked in the shin by his favorite linguist. Seriously, why did he love this woman?

To be continued.


	6. Chapter 5: Everything Left Unsaid But Preserved in Writing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter.  
> Disclaimer: This chapter contains some direct quotes from STID. The dialogue is identical to what was used in the film (or as close as I could get by listening to the scene seven times). However, I added a little something that many of us wished would have happened in that scene.

 

“Do you really want to do this?” James asks, between heated kisses to Spock’s neck and torso, the type that would most likely leave bruising if he were human. James’ hand hovers hesitantly over the button of Spock’s regulation pants. His shirt is long discarded. Actually, pants are the last piece of clothing that either of them is wearing. A completely hard and undressed James has Spock pressed up against the headboard and is straddling his lap at this point.

Despite the intensity of James’ kisses, he can feel James’ fear through their bond. He is afraid of the act itself. He is afraid that everything will change once they become physically intimate in this way. He is afraid that he will not live up to his supposed reputation. Six point three weeks ago they agreed to consummate their relationship on Valentine’s Day. However, considering the amount of fear he is feeling from James, Spock wonders if they need more time.

“I believe I should be asking you that question since you are the one to be penetrated.” James’ breath hitches at the word ‘penetrated’.

“Your science talk makes everything sexier,” he says, practically moaning before becoming serious. “I’m not the one who is a virgin when it comes to having sex with men. This is a bigger deal for you than me.” Except those words are not entirely true because Spock can tell this is a ‘big deal’ for James. Spock can feel the genuine worry for his well-being from his James.

“Yes, you have engaged in sexual intercourse with men before, but you were usually inebriated. Also, some of those encounters were non...” Spock is cut off by James’ lips descending on his as if he is sucking the breath out of him.

“I don’t count that. I pretend that it didn’t happen.” The words are whispered between fiery kisses, but he still hears them. He feels James’ heart rate increase by 4.2%. He can feel James’ fear increase exponentially, as if he is reminiscing about that encounter that they don’t speak of.

“We do not have to do this tonight, ashayam,” he says low against James’ lips.

“Yes, we do,” James says, looking up at him with such reverence that, as illogical as it seems, all air has left his lungs. “You love me.” He says this as he fumbles with the button of Spock’s pants. “No one else ever did.” James’ hands purposely drag across Spock skin as James pushes the fabric down Spock’s body. “No one else before loved me, not really.” James' words are peppered with kisses to his stomach and inner thigh. “They didn’t know me.” Spock's heart aches at those words. “You know me.” Spock has never known someone as deeply as he has come to know James in these last few months. Spock did not know such a thing was possible, and yet the man above him still remains a mystery 93.2% of the time.

“It’s just that this would be so much easier if you would let me take a drink.” James says this as a joke, but Spock knows it is not and such a revelation is painful.

“No,” Spock practically growls. “I will not allow you to utilize your normal coping mechanism. You will do this sober or we will not do this at all. We do not have to do this if you are not ready.”

“Okay,” James says, grabbing the bottle of lubricant from the side of the bed and placing it into Spock’s hand as they switch positions.

“I will not hurt you,” he whispers to his love as he now straddles James’ lap.

“I know.” The words are whispered.

“I love you.” Spock’s words are punctuated with a kiss to James’ jaw.

“I know. I love you too,” he says as they entwine their hands together.

He can feel the fear again, except it’s not the same as before. It is not the fear of their relationship changing or of the act itself. It is the fear of death and leaving Spock behind. They are no longer in the sanctity of their quarters on Enterprise, but in engineering. Fingers are pressed up against the glass, but it doesn’t matter. Spock can feel him as if they were engaged in a meld. James’ pain is excruciating. He knows his love only has seconds left. He cannot stop his own tears. He watches James take his final breath as his fingers slide away from the glass and he screams.

xxxx

“Are you okay? Do I need to get a doctor?” Nyota asks from the chair beside him. Sometime during his drug-induced sleep, she had arrived at his room.

“I am fine,” he says, being as ambiguous as possible to pacify her, but his words have the opposite effect.

“Okay, I’m getting Leonard now. You never say the word 'fine'. You hate the word 'fine', due to its ambiguous nature, as much as you hate anything,” she says with slight panic.

“Do you really want to speak with your former significant other right now?” Spock questions.

“I’m sure I can find another doctor who’s not playing kissy-face with a certain weapons expert that we both do not like,” she says in annoyance.

“I assume you are referring to Doctor Marcus? I do not dislike Doctor Marcus,” he tells her, without adding 'because I do not dislike anyone'.

“According to the ship rumor mill, she did a striptease for your husband before going down to the planetoid to flirt with my boyfriend--ex-boyfriend.” If he were human, Spock would roll his eyes at her words. He would also chastise her for believing anything said by the ‘rumor mill’. Considering there are several rumors floating around Enterprise of a highly outlandish nature, such as that he, Nyota, and James are engaged in a 'threesome', Spock is well aware of the rumor mill’s ability to mangle the truth.

James had told him about that incident via their bond, along with the fact that Ms. Chapel apparently gave Dr. Marcus an inaccurate version of the events that led to her transfer. Ms. Chapel reacted in a less than pleasant way to the discovery of their "marriage" and may have done something “inappropriate”. James agreed not to press formal charges if Ms. Chapel agreed to a transfer.

James quickly corrected the doctor’s assumption about what happened between him and Ms. Chapel. James was not even aware that Dr. Marcus was changing in the shuttle until he turned around to defend himself. After turning back around as quickly as possible James told her, _“My husband does the absent-minded scientist thing too, but could you warn me before you do something that could result in me sleeping on the couch for the next month if he finds out? Like I need more rumors about me floating around the ship. Most of what you know about my reputation is complete and utter bullshit, especially when it comes from somebody who hates me because I supposedly stole her crush. I’m glad Christine is doing so well in her new assignment so that she will forget about molesting my husband.”_

“You have also undressed in front of James and me in preparation for a mission, as was the case with Dr. Marcus,” Spock tells Nyota in Dr. Marcus's defense, deciding not to recount to her exactly what James shared with him.

“We were in a hurry and whoever came up with the female Starfleet uniform should be shot. Do you have any idea how hard it is to shoot or chase after somebody in a skirt?” Nyota asks in all seriousness.

This was a common complaint among female officers. There was currently a petition circulating around Starfleet for all the male Admirals to wear something referred to as “short shorts” when on duty. The three top ranking women in Starfleet, Admirals Oddoye, Vazquez, and Chan, were the first to actually sign the petition. Thankfully, all three women were in other quadrants during the attack on Starfleet. Considering all three of the women were candidates to take over Marcus’ now-vacated position, it is highly likely that the female uniform will soon change to something more practical.

“Apparently the length of your skirt did not impede your ability to help apprehend Khan,” he says, now remembering some of what happened between James taking his last breath and waking up yesterday afternoon.

“Good, you’re starting to remember what happened. That wasn’t what you were dreaming about?” she asks with concern.

“How do you know that I was dreaming? Vulcans do not dream,” he says defensively, causing her to roll her eyes in response.

“I thought we already moved past the 'Vulcans do not do this or that' thing last year,” she says flippantly. “I know you dream. You had a lot of bad dreams those first few weeks after Amanda died. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were coming back, considering. I know I haven’t slept more than four hours at a time since this all began. So I ask again, what did you dream about?”

“Valentine’s Day,” he answers somewhat honestly. She does not need to know that a dream about the first time he and James made love turned into a memory of James dying.

“I don’t believe you. You would not have woken up screaming like that if that were the case,” she says glaring at him.

“The dream did involve some of the events of Valentine’s Day.” Her response is to just give him a sad smile.

“You don’t have to tell me. Although, I’m sure Dr. Suarez will get it out of you. She should be here in a couple of days to clean up the mess that Cruz made. She is probably going to make me pick her up from the spaceport just so we can get a session in earlier than planned. Thanks to Leonard telling her all about yesterday’s little incident, I have therapy homework. One of those assignments is to actually apologize for hitting you. So, I’m sorry I slapped you. If you say ‘Apologies are not necessary’, I will hit you again.” He knows that she is actually serious.

“I have since discovered that apologies are beneficial for both parties involved.” She smiles at his words.

“I also brought you apology cookies. They're apricot, because apparently chocolate interferes with your meds,” she says, handing him a box of cookies.

“I also brought your therapy journal,” she says, handing him the book that now has a wine stain on the cover, along with fingerprints.

“Did you read my therapy journal?” he asks, and her facial expressions signify a 'yes'.

“No – maybe, but you don’t tell me anything. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be your friend? It’s even worse than being your girlfriend. At least I was getting sex out of it before.” That last part is mumbled under her breath. He feels it is in his best interest not to respond, even though he is upset that she had invaded his privacy again.

“I get scared sometimes. I didn’t see the thing coming with Marc until after the fact, even though I should have. Your suicide by volcano was not good. Can we not talk about this right now?” Nyota tells him, cutting off the conversation abruptly. She does this often when a situation becomes too emotional for her.

“You just stated that my lack of open communication was the reason why you violated my privacy and read my personal thoughts again. If you want me to be open with you, you must remember to be open with me,” Spock tells her with a sigh.

“Yes, I realize I’m a complete hypocrite sometimes, but so are you. Sometimes, I don’t know why we are friends,” she says with annoyance, before changing the subject abruptly. “I brought your PADD. Your father wants you to email him,” she says as she passes the electronic device to him. He is not completely surprised by her telling him this. Again, his relationship with his father is better than what it was before Amanda’s untimely death. “Yes, he is worried about you in a very Vulcan way. If he wasn’t in the middle of major negotiations, he probably would be here right now, despite the state of emergency. I’m sure you have a dozen messages from him.”

“Actually, I have 25,” Spock says after he organizes his inbox by sender.

“Why do you have to be so literal sometimes?” she asks with hands on her hips. “Don’t answer that, it was rhetorical. I’m sure you have just as many emails from our favorite therapist. I bet you have therapy homework waiting for you too. She is probably making you do the same writing assignment that she’s having me do.” He actually has 10 messages from Dr. Suarez. The most recent one has the dubious subject line of “we need to make an appointment” and was sent early this morning.

“She made me write my idiot former boyfriend a letter that I was purposely told not to send him. Actually, I had to write you a letter too, maybe when you’re doing better I will actually send it to you.” Spock sees he already has a recent message from her in his inbox with a subject line that reminds him of Jim’s 'special' emails.

“I am not sure that is entirely necessary. If the subject line of that particular message was ‘Sorry I slapped you but I don't like the thought of losing you’ the message was forwarded to me at 6 AM this morning,” he tells her, as her eyes go wide.

“What!” At that, Nyota grabs his PADD before he has time to actually read the message.

“I’m going to kill you or I would if such a thing would not send your husband off the deep end, again,” Nyota says, walking over to Jim’s other side. “I’m really starting to hate your post coma emails. I realize that I probably should’ve never read your therapy emails but this is so not fair.”

“Why are you screaming at my husband?” Spock asks in confusion.

“Because he’s a moron. His perfect revenge for me “accidentally” reading his therapy letters when you two were in your dancing around each other/driving me crazy phase, is to auto-forward anything I write to you or Jim that I don’t send.” Considering how angry she is, Spock feels that it is in his best interest not to mention that he knew about this particular form of punishment and did very little to get Jim to undo his modifications to the program. Although in his defense, the incident with Ms. Chapel occurred later that day, which required much of their attention.

“Do you want me to delete the message without reading?” he offers.

“No, it’s fine. If it was Leonard, I would be worried but I trust you and really the only reason why I didn’t send you the message is because I confessed to reading your therapy journal in the middle of it. Considering I did that, it’s probably only fair that you read it. Although, please keep in mind, I was probably slightly drunk when I included those last couple of lines. Okay, I was very drunk when I wrote the entire thing,” she tells him sheepishly. “Although, you’re probably going to want to read the four unread messages from Jim first, two of which were sent after – what happened,” Nyota finishes, unable to actually say the word 'die'. He tries to grab the device from her, but she does not give it back immediately.

“You emailed the messages to yourself?” Spock asks, knowing her too well.

“Do you really want me to answer that question?” she asks with a tilt of her head.

“No.”

“Besides, as your best friend, it is important for me to be there for you and therefore I need to know exactly what the idiot said. You’re probably going to want to read these emails by yourself. I’m sure Jim said something that is going to make you want to throw your PADD against the wall.” He is almost positive she is not joking. “I know I almost did when I read his last message to me.”

“What was in this message?" he questions.

“You better just read it. I will forward it to you. I have to go in to Starfleet anyway today. Our new Admiral is not giving me a choice.” He is sure that is just an excuse but Nyota is gone before he can say anything.

 

XXX

He begins by reading Nyota's letter (actually, he begins by writing his father first because that was his most pleasant option). Spock is sure that the only reason why Nyota wrote half of this was that she was intoxicated. When sober, Nyota is never this honest with him. Even her slap did not tell him exactly why she was upset with him. Until he reads her words, he does not realize how much 'the volcano incident' hurt her. He knows that she cares about him deeply. Nyota always told him that their physical relationship was just sex, but from her letter he wonders if it was more than that, but it doesn’t matter now. Her analogy is accurate and in comparison to what he felt for her, his feelings for James are like a bright star and he is uncertain if he can survive if James does not wake up. She was right, his greatest fear is losing his James.

It is also quite apparent that she desires the type of relationship that he has with James. It is obvious from the letter she is in love with Leonard. Spock has known that for a very long time, even if she denies it. She looks at Leonard the same way James looks at him. Spock would give anything to see that look from James one more time. By the time he finishes reading her words for a second time, Spock realizes that the two of them are going to have to have a very long conversation very soon.

Afterward, Spock begins to open James’ emails, starting with the one titled "poetic justice of the email kind". (He does not read Nyota's letter multiple times to put this off as long as possible.) If he were human he would roll his eyes at James’ attempt at humor. Yet, he’s not angry that James did not do what he asked, rather it is comforting to have any message from his James. He just wants James back with him.

The next message he reads is the message that James wrote Nyota before going over to Vengeance along with her response. As he reads both messages, he can understand her anger and her desire to throw things. If he allowed himself to feel it, he would be angry. Like Nyota, he believes this was James’ farewell message and James was sure he was not going to survive. It doesn’t surprise Spock that James picked up on his own anxiety when they were discussing his plan to ally with Khan. James was even aware that he gave him false background on the infamous quote that he used. Spock will never forget James’ words to him after he tried to point out how dangerous James’ plan would be.

“You’re right,” James practically yelled at him. “What I am about to do doesn’t make any sense. It’s not logical. It’s a gut feeling.” He wanted to grab James’ hand, but did not because of the crew member passing by. “I have no idea what I am supposed to do. I only know what I can do,” James said with a slight pause as his voice became lower. “The Enterprise and her crew need somebody in that chair that knows what he’s doing, and it’s not me.” James’ words did not surprise Spock, because James had said something similar in private over the last few days. What surprised him was the feel of James’ lips on his. They did not engage in physical displays of affection where the crew could see, but these were exceptional circumstances. The kiss was brief; however, Spock will never forget the encounter because it almost became their last kiss. Nor will he forget James’ next whispered words, “It’s you, Spock.”

He tries to push that conversation out of his mind, but the next message makes it difficult. Because it has the same time stamp as the email sent to Nyota, this obviously indicates that the message was written right before James attempted to board Marcus’s ship.

xxx

From: KirkJT

To: SpockX

Time saved: 6/8/2259 4:33:11

Time sent: 6/9/2259 00:00:01

Subject: I love you

If my latest stunt ends as badly as we both think that it will, I just need to say those words to you one more time even if it’s in this email. I already told you I trust no one with the ship more than you. I trust no one but you. I only love you.

xxx

Spock has the desire to cry again after reading James’ words, which is illogical. Of course, James has a tendency to make Spock react in the most illogical ways. However, he does not cry because that would be inappropriate under the circumstances, as Kevin has just walked into the room.

Apparently his husband’s brother was unable to get their mom to talk to him during his latest attempt. He did not tell Spock this, but rather a still unconscious Jim. Currently, he’s yelling at his brother for doing “whatever stupidly heroic thing you did that almost got you killed in the first place.” They have not talked much since Spock’s return to consciousness. Although the young man does look at Spock as if he blames him entirely for what happened to James. Spock feels exactly the same way.

He decides it’s best to not pay attention to Kevin’s angry rant. Instead, he reads the next letter from his love.

 

From: KirkJT

To: SpockX

Time saved: 6/5/2259 13:23:55

Time sent: 6/6/2259 00:00:01

Subject: Even though I find you annoying right now, I just want you

I can’t believe you’re acting like such a jealous dick right now. I’m not interested in the new science officer. The only science officer I want is you, preferably naked and underneath me (or on top of me) even though you have been a prick the last few days. Seriously, why did you leave a seat between us? Pretty much everybody knows we are married or whatever.

Okay, so I’ve said a lot of dumb things recently, but so have you. It’s kind of why I love you. If we were sitting next to each other we could at least be playing footsie right now or be getting in a discreet Vulcan make out session. After what happened earlier, I need your kisses. Have I ever told you that hand kissing is so hot? That may be the only type of kissing that you will allow during work hours, maybe. Again, people know that we're married, sort of. I don’t know why you’re so uptight about the PDAs. Hell, you let Ny make out with you on the transporter pad that one time. Actually, you let me suck you off under the table when you were talking to the idiots that be (ITB). I’m your husband and your captain, that should entitle me to the occasional on-bridge kiss or even hand squeeze. It’s not like I’m going to try for something harder in public, when we’re working anyway (the thing with the ITBs does not count).

Okay, so maybe I’m writing you a dirty email that I should not send via official email because I’m fucking terrified at the moment. Am I doing the right thing? I know you think what Marcus wants us to do is wrong on so many levels. I don’t even think we should do what Marcus wants us to do, but I’m not

Xxxx

The email ended abruptly, most likely because they arrived on the ship before James could complete it and he never had time to go back to it. Spock does not want to think about everything that happened that prevented Jim from being able to finish that message. He wishes they never got on that shuttle. He never trusted Admiral Marcus (especially because of his conversation with Admiral Pike the day before). He agreed with Nyota's suggestion that he should have just nerve pinched Jim before any of this started.

The next message had the exact same time stamp but from the subject line and its content he knew it was written hours earlier, most likely when he was taking a shower before Mr. Scott called to let the couple know about what he found in the wreckage.

From: KirkJT

To: SpockX

Time saved: 6/5/2259 5:33:11

Time sent: 6/6/2259 00:00:01

Subject: He’s gone

Chris is -- fuck, was the closest thing I ever had to a father and he’s dead and it feels like it’s all my fault. Spock, it's my fault. If I didn’t fuck up on Nibiru he wouldn’t have been in that room with us. Chris would’ve been having a quiet dinner with the wife or asleep. I feel like his blood is on my hands. I can't wash them enough. I’m such a fuck up.

Yet, I can’t regret saving you. Chris may be the closest thing I have -- had to a father, but you are my heart. I’m not sure I can live without you. It would be nice if you don’t do something stupid like the volcano thing again because I really don’t want to find out, you bastard.

XXX

Spock knew that James was upset about the volcano incident. They had many arguments about the incident, three of which ended in "angry wall sex". Another of which ended with James apparently hiding in the bar by their apartment according to the final email that he reads. Again, James was furious. However, the subject line “I was really sure that we got to the point where I wouldn’t have to apologize for being an ass in an e-mail alone” makes him smile, not that he actually smiles.

James started by apologizing for what happened in Admiral Pike’s office, but Spock realizes that he is just as sorry for many of the things that he said. He knew that James was most upset at realizing that the admiralty really did not trust him, and he did not even know about the conversation that Spock had with Admiral Pike afterward. Because of the conversation he agreed with James’ assessment that they were not being punished because of violating the Prime Directive, but because of their relationship, and the incident on Nibiru was being used to make an example out of the couple.

Just like James, he was terrified of being separated. Spock knew that the volume of James' sexual exploits were greatly exaggerated by the rumor mill (currently, there was a rumor about James engaging in a threesome with two women being referred to as the 'kitty cat twins' when they had arrived on Earth). However, he did not believe such things; he was not worried about that. He can understand why James does not think that he is worthy of Spock’s affections because sometimes Spock feels the same way. Occasionally, he wonders if James would be better off with a human partner who can understand an emotional human being. Spock is afraid that someday James will realize that he deserves better than him. It is good to realize that James is just as scared for the same reasons.

He is glad that James did remember that he completely missed their dinner with Kevin and he will be telling James exactly how uncomfortable the dinner was when he wakes up. (He does not say "if" because he refuses to contemplate that reality.)

The rest of James’ letter is difficult to read, but he does anyway.

xxxxx

Okay, that tangent was me avoiding writing about the real reason why I'm scared of you being on another ship. I'm afraid of losing you and I don't mean to another person, but rather to death itself. You almost died in that volcano and you actually expected me to just let it happen? I don't give a fuck about stupid Starfleet regulations. I love you. You're the only thing I care about. What's going to happen with your new captain? You don't have a good sense of self-preservation. You got kidnapped and you didn't even tell me about it. I need to know that you're safe. I don't think I could handle it if you died because I was not around to prevent it. I know I couldn't handle it. I was a fucking mess when Sam died.

I keep having this dream, at least I think it's a dream, I don't really know because we’re older than what we are now. You're trapped inside the warp core, or at least I think you are. It doesn't really look like ours. I think you just did something really stupid, because I'm watching you die in front of me. I can't get to you because there is this fucking glass in the way. I can't save you. I can't do anything but watch.

Don't ask me to watch you die for the greater good because I can't do it. I don't give a fuck about everyone else and maybe that makes me a bad captain, but that doesn't matter anymore because I'm no longer a captain. I would do anything to make sure that you live a long and happy life. I would lose Enterprise a thousand times if it meant keeping you safe. I am so scared. I need you.

XXX

Spock stops reading there because he is too upset to continue. James knew that this was going to happen, probably because of the "emotional transference" that occurred when he melded with Spock's counterpart 14 months prior. His other self never told him the exact 'high cost' of defeating Khan in the other dimension, but he implied it. When James said that he did what Spock would have done in similar circumstances, he knew that for a fact. Spock does not know how to respond to the fact that James would rather die himself than watch Spock make the same sacrifice. Spock’s subconscious response is to throw his PADD against the wall, resulting in Kevin calling Dr. McCoy.

“What the hell did that PADD ever do to you?” Leonard asks as he walks into the room, picking up the device now lying against the opposite wall. Surprisingly, the device is only slightly cracked, enabling the Doctor to see the message.

"I hate that stupid accidental program he created. It’s more trouble than it’s worth,” Doctor McCoy says, shaking his head. “Since the happy hypos are not keeping you from having another Vulcan breakdown, we will try the Dr. Suarez method,” he says, putting the PADD down on the table next to Spock. “You’re going to write down everything you're thinking in a letter to your honey bear," he says, pushing the therapy journal and pen into Spock’s hand before moving to Kevin.

“And you, kid, are going to go to that tiny dorm room of yours to take a shower and get at least 10 hours of sleep. If I see you here before 7 AM tomorrow, I’m calling security,” the doctor says, actually pulling Jim’s brother out of the chair.

“You can’t kick me out, he is my brother,” Kevin protests.

“When James wakes up, he will become greatly distressed if he finds out that you did not take adequate care of yourself during his incapacitation. I suggest you do as the doctor suggests.”

“I really hate it when you agree with me. Come on, kid,” Doctor McCoy says, pulling Kevin out of the room, leaving Spock with nothing to do but write.

To be continued.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember reviews make me wake up at 5 AM before work to work on these stories that you love so much. Reviews make me happy and a happy writer is a productive writer.


	7. 6/14/2259: You are a cocky asshole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last part. Reviews, comments, and kudos keep me focused and in a creative happy zone.
> 
> Those of you who remember the first story probably remember that the first part of the story was told only with letters. It's time for us to get back to that again. The story will switch back to the more traditional narrative when our title character regains consciousness. (I am on the fence about doing an interlude from the perspective of our favorite therapist in the middle of this section.)
> 
> On the bright side, faster updates (and less work for my fabulous beta). Basically, I'm doing this now because I have a coworker who is on a cruise, which means more overtime for me and less fun time to work on stories. Shorter chapters mean more updates for you.
> 
> After discussions with TPurr I decided that it would be best to mix the letters from Spock and Nyota. Letters from Spock will start with Dear James. Letters from Nyota will start with Dear Jim. As of right now, it will be easier to tell because her letters will be an email form, but that will change.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

June 14, 2259

Dear James:

I am not sure how to start this letter except I wish that circumstances were different, and I could tell you these things in person. I crave to hear your voice once more, even if the words are laced with anger. I miss your touches and kisses. I keep dreaming of making love to you, yet all the dreams end in your death. This is similar to the dreams I had after Amanda's passing. Instead of trying to find different ways to save you, I can do nothing but watch you die behind the glass.

Dr. McCoy is forcing me to write this after I threw my personal PADD at a nearby wall. This was after he removed your brother from our room. I was thankful for that simply for the fact that he would no longer be around to look at me as if I am solely responsible for your death, especially because I feel solely responsible for your death. I am already thinking of the many things I could have done differently to prevent your death.

My reaction was triggered by discovering that you essentially gave your life to make sure that I would not make a similar sacrifice in this dimension. When you said that I would do something similar, apparently you knew I actually would do something similar due to the aftereffects of your meld with my counterpart. I wish you would not make such a sacrifice. I understand that you do not want to live without me. However, I cannot live without you.

I remember very little from the moment your hands slid away from the glass until Nyota fired at Khan with a phaser. I remember feeling lost. I remember feeling this intense desire to avenge the murder of my bondmate. I do not remember the bond actually breaking. Doctor Weston believes that it never actually broke and that may be the real reason why Dr. McCoy was able to revive you. We will not know for sure until she arrives to assess your condition.

I keep my hand on your heart. As illogical as it seems, a part of me still cannot accept that it is beating again. Every time I close my eyes I keep reliving that moment in engineering. It is harder knowing that you made the sacrifice for me. I feel even guiltier than before.

I keep wondering about how things would be if the doctor had not revived you. We were fighting. You blamed me for losing the ship or at least that was what you implied during our argument in Admiral Pike's office. I read your apology. I wish I had heard those words from you and not in an email that I did not read until 22.3 minutes ago.

I am sorry I did not take your fears about the admiralty as seriously as I should have. I am sorry that I forced you to intervene on Nibiru. I am sorry I did not fight harder to keep Dr. Suarez on the ship. After you left Admiral Pike's office, I was informed that Dr. Cruz falsified his report. Of course, I am most sorry about allowing you to fall into Admiral Marcus's trap.

You were not thinking rationally after Christopher's death. Because of our bond, I knew you were emotionally compromised and I should have tried harder to prevent you from accepting the Admiral's highly illegal plan of action. Nyota suggested that I should have administered a nerve pinch. I am inclined to agree.

When I melded with Christopher, his last wish was for me to take care of you. I feel that I have failed him completely. I let you die. I am not sure if I can forgive myself for that. I am uncertain if the anger I feel can ever go away. I am uncertain if even meditation can help.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: UhuraNX

To: KirkJT

Sent written: 6/14/2259 21:35:01

Subject: You are a cocky asshole.

Dear Jim:

I hate you. Did you really think it was a good idea to forward my personal emails to people who probably should read the messages, but that I don't really want to? Thankfully you only did it to Spock and probably yourself. I really really hope you didn't send it to a certain idiot ex-boyfriend of mine, because that would be bad. I may have written him an expletive-filled message after I saw him being all flirty around Carol when she interrupted our whatever moment this morning. I really really don't want him to see the email. And well, knowing you, even if I delete it from my email right now, I'm sure he'll still get it somehow, regardless. You are just that type of bastard. Thanks to you, I'm going to be afraid to use email for the rest of my life. I would be yelling at you in person right now, but a certain ex-boyfriend of mine has banned me and everyone else from your hospital room. It wasn't just me, Kevin and Sulu also complained about Leonard keeping them from your room. Leonard actually escorted your brother out personally and threatened him with a hypo if he tried to come back. Kevin said this happened after your husband tossed his PADD at the wall. My theory is Spock had a really bad reaction to reading your last letter to him and that triggered him actually throwing something. I know I did when I read it. I am going to have to get you another one of those glass teddy bear things that JoJo got you for your birthday. It's currently in pieces in the recycling. You knew this was going to happen, you dick.

Okay, I realize that it's really hypocritical of me to be really self-righteous right now considering what I did earlier in the day. I realize that I should have never ever read your special letters to Spock. (Especially the latest one where you pretty much told Spock that you knew everything that went down in the warp core was going to happen because of some freaky premonition that was probably caused by Other Spock linking to your mind. There really are some things that you can never unread.) I also realize that it may have been really wrong for me to abuse some of my privileges as chief communications officer to read some of these letters. I'm sorry about that. It was an abuse of my power and an abuse of my privileges and it was an abuse of your trust in me. After seeing what abuse of power can do firsthand, I don't want to start slipping down that slippery slope by doing little things like reading other people's personal emails.

I should probably also apologize for reading Spock's therapy journal, even if you did the exact same thing. Actually, you stole his therapy journal. All I did was do something that technically is in my purview as chief communications officer, sort of. I have a right to look at any message generated on Enterprise to check for suspicious activity. Okay, technically, this didn't qualify, but you never know. Right now I really really wish I had taken a closer look at Dr. Cruz's private emails. I'm pretty sure he was in bed with that asshole that almost got us all killed.

Also, whoever was monitoring Admiral Marcus's communications was obviously lacking. How could people miss what that idiot was planning? Did people not see the money just disappearing? That giant ship was not cheap.

Obviously, Carol had to know something was up. Otherwise, I don't think she would have stowed away on Enterprise. See, I have to read your personal messages to make sure you don't do something stupid, like going on a one-man vengeance mission into Klingon space because you were being manipulated by the psychotic asshole in charge. Oh no, I'm not bitter, I'm just really really mad at you. You drive me crazy.

Speaking of certain scientists that sneak on a ship, she tried to talk to me today to reassure me that she's not interested in Leonard at all, despite the way he acted around her when he almost got himself blown up by the torpedoes. She says that she was just there for medical reasons (i.e., sleeping pills and a therapy referral) and she has no interest in my boyfriend whatsoever (yes, she still referred to him as my boyfriend), but I'm not sure if I actually believe her. We were both at Starfleet headquarters for the great interrogation.

For some reason, Admiral Nhi felt it would be more advantageous if Carol and I were interrogated together. Like I really needed an audience to tell the real version of what happened in engineering. Scotty didn't even notice that I arrived in time to hear your last words, or what almost ended up being your last words to Spock. (You better come out of this, or else. I can't deal with Spock without you.)

Okay, maybe I now hate her a little bit less because I know she had to watch Khan kill her father. That sort of thing will pretty much fuck anyone up, even if her dad was kind of a bastard. In light of that, I probably should be less hostile. It's not her fault that Leonard will flirt with anyone and expects me to be ok with it, but freaks out over the fact that I USED to have sex with my best friend.

Okay, so maybe she did have a legitimate reason to speak to Leonard about sleeping pills and therapy. Again, what she saw would screw anybody up. It's been years and I still have flashbacks to finding my grandmother's dead body and Marc dying in my arms. She's going to need a good therapist and Doctor Suarez is going to have fun with her. I wouldn't even refer my worst enemy to Doctor Cruz. Not that it matters because the guy is a quack and is currently being held in protective custody. I don't know why, because Starfleet, including Admiral Nhi are being really close-lipped about it. Although, as I stated earlier, I'm sure he had something to do with Marcus's little fiasco.

In other bad news, I was forced to spend quality time with my parents. Granted, it was via deep space video conference, but still it was uncomfortable, especially because the interactions were so businesslike. It was like I was just another member of Starfleet, not their only child. Thanks to Khan killing half of Starfleet's brass, my mother just got promoted to the rank of admiral. She's so happy and she only had to give up being around for most of my childhood to become a member of the idiots that be. Thankfully, she won't be our admiral. However, my father is in charge of the investigation of what is being referred to as the "Vengeance incident". (Due to the fact I have no relationship with my parents, there's no conflict of interest there. As far as I'm concerned, they just donated genetic material. I am my grandmother's daughter.)That is going to be so much fun.

Is it wrong that Spock's father actually cares more about him than my parents care about me? I've received three more emails from the guy inquiring about his son's health. My parents are only speaking to me because they now have to do so for their jobs and your mom still hasn't come to visit you. It's so unfair.

Can you please wake up so we can commiserate together about our totally screwed up families? I also need you to tell me that I'm prettier than whoever my idiot ex-boyfriend is flirting with. Okay, can you please wake up soon so I can smack you upside the head for the auto-forwarding my email?

Again, what were you thinking?


	8. June 15, 2259: Please wake up before I kill your husband/whatever or possibly that idiot K.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. Your reviews give me a reason to keep writing. They also give you an opportunity to say what you like and don’t like about the story.  
> You are getting an earlier chapter, because I wrote 2200 words for the next chapter of The Truth about Love and hated everything I actually wrote and decided to work on this story, because this is what wanted to come out. Thankfully, this work to get rid of the writer’s block, because I have successfully completed the draft of that chapter. Also, this is easier to write when I’m having a heavy workweek. These letters just kind of write themselves.  
> (If you’re wondering about the Take a Third Option series, the next chapter is still being beta and I expect to get it back soon. However, I’m looking for a new person to proofread that story, starting with the next chapter. Please let me know if you are available to assist.)

June 15, 2259

Dear James:

I am unable to sleep and I decided that maybe writing you would be conducive to sleep. It has worked previously, 84.5% of the time. The sleep aid that Doctor McCoy administered was useless. This is not surprising considering they did not work very well in the immediate aftermath of my mother’s death. I tried meditating earlier, but it was futile. My mind is restless and unable to focus. I have nothing to do but reread your letters and that is not very conducive to a sound mind.

It was reminiscent of how I was after my mother’s death, except I actually do have an appetite this time. That may be because Dr. McCoy keeps bringing me all of my favorite dishes that you like to prepare for me. He also makes a point of constantly reminding me that you would be very displeased if I became unhealthy or re-developed “Vulcan anorexia” because I am emotionally distraught due to your incapacitation. I wish not to displease you even though you are unconscious.

I had another dream or rather nightmare about you, which may be the real reason why I am unable to sleep. This time I relived our fight after the confrontation with Dr. Cruz. Once again a dream/memory about us having angry sex up against the wall of our quarters became a dream about you dying in engineering. I do not wish to examine why my mind has developed a correlation between us engaging in sexual intercourse and your death. I also hope that such an association does not hold once you wake up, as I may develop an aversion to engaging in sexual activities with you for that very reason. I would hate to be unable to be intimate with you again. I have discovered that I need your touch as much as I need air.

 Despite Doctor McCoy's attempts to prevent me from accessing your chart, I have read it on multiple occasions. Your brain function is normal and there are no signs of the radiation in your system. That is promising, yet I am afraid you will not wake up. Part of me thinks that you still being alive is the dream that I will wake up from at any moment.

I blame myself for your death, and I did so before I knew for certain that you did sacrifice yourself solely to keep me from doing the same thing. I think I keep subconsciously reliving that moment in engineering, because I blame myself for what happened.

I know you understand this because you blame yourself for Christopher’s death, even though it was not your fault. It was much more my fault than it was yours. If I had not proposed a solution to neutralize the volcano, you would have never needed to violate the Prime Directive. You did yell something to that effect during the dream/memory. At least in your letter you do not blame me, but I blame myself.

I need you to wake up to tell me that none of this is my fault. I need you to tell me that you forgive me. I just need you. I do not think I can regain the focus to sleep or meditate properly until I can talk to you. I need to hear your voice. I need to have you wrap your arms around me and tell me everything will be ‘okay’ despite the generally ambiguous nature of the word. I have come to the conclusion that I can no longer function optimally without you.

 

* * *

 

From: UhuraNX

To: KirkJT

Sent written: 6/15/2259 21:35:01

Subject: Please wake up before I kill your husband/whatever or possibly that idiot K.

Dear Jim:

Okay, you need to wake up now. I can’t deal with your boyfriend/husband/Vulcan soulmate without you. By Vulcan standards he’s like a hysterical mess, even if he keeps saying that he’s fine. Spock is never fine. Fine is like a curse word to him. Up until recently, I was not even sure if that word was in his vocabulary. Tomorrow I’m bringing puzzles or something to occupy his Vulcan brain, because the only thing he had to work on was writing his report of the “Vengeance Incident”. That stuff is good for no one’s mental health.

Spock should be happy (by Spock standards) that Doctor McCoy is keeping the vultures away until he’s healthier. The only member of the Starfleet admiralty that can even get in the hospital is Admiral Nhi. Her arrival resulted in me getting kicked out of the room for the day after only an hour.

Okay, I was happy for her arrival because I couldn’t deal with Spock trying to apologize for our breakup that happened over a year ago (funny, Leonard hasn't even apologized for the breakup that happened less than three weeks ago). Spock spent a good 20 minutes trying to tell me that I should have told him that I actually had feelings for him, instead of telling him that we were merely friends with benefits when we were having sex . Of course, he just had to do this in the most Spock-like way possible, which is why it took 20 minutes. I can only deal with one ex-boyfriend at a time wanting to talk about our relationship and that spot is currently reserved for the guy who really is an ex-boyfriend (despite what Carol and Christine really think).

I only spoke long enough with him today to see how Spock was really doing (not well), and for him to give me my therapy journal. Should I read something into the fact that that was the only personal belonging that he brought me from his quarters when I know that I have at least three boxes of stuff in there?

I’m trying to decide if Spock is worse this time or last time. Maybe it just seems worse this time because Spock will actually acknowledge that he is upset. Although that may be a sign that he’s handling it better this time. At least he cried for you. He couldn’t do that for Amanda. He just kept everything inside until it manifested itself as you and him screaming on the bridge.

Then again, he’s kind of afraid to leave your side. I couldn’t even get him to take a walk. I’m not sure how much more of this I can take. I’m sure this is a symptom of Vulcan PTSD. You cannot leave me to deal with this alone. No one wants to deal with Vulcan PTSD, mostly because it takes a small miracle for said Vulcan to admit that he actually has a problem. Doctor Suarez cannot get here soon enough.

I also would love for you to wake up soon so we can commiserate about the idiots in charge and the investigation. I want to strangle that arrogant prick K. I think Admiral Nhi was being nice to me while Spock was unconscious, because they never called me in. Now, I think I might as well move in to the building. Except for that hour visiting Spock I’ve spent most of the day at Starfleet headquarters going through the second round of interrogations and I expect another round tomorrow. Today I had to deal with a nasty interrogation from a group of idiots who are most likely cronies of Admiral Marcus, including K. The prick practically wet his pants when he saw me, although that’s probably because I look like my mom and he hates my mom more than I do and I didn’t even think that was possible.

He was also very unhappy that our new big boss, or at least acting big boss, Admiral Chan decided to put my father in charge of the investigation. Okay, he was probably upset because he is not the acting big boss and according to the rumor mill, unless he does something big quickly, he is never going to fill Marcus’ shoes. Obviously he sees blaming you for the Vengeance catastrophe and exonerating his old friend as a means to get the big office. I can’t even repeat what he said about my dad. The man may have been a crappy father, but he is fiercely loyal to all things Starfleet and is not going to hide the truth for anyone, not even me. K shut up very quickly when I told him that nepotism actually requires an actual familial relationship and that would not be a problem since my biological father is a complete stranger to me. Actually, everybody in the room shut up quickly when I said that, including my father.

I’m not really surprised that that statement resulted in me receiving several concerned emails from my sperm and egg donor, as well as an invitation to meet our favorite psychologist at the spaceport. I did not want to read the emails from my parents, but I had no choice because the emails may actually relate to the investigation. I’m not going to let my own issues with my parents result in you or Spock getting sent up the river by the idiots that be. You’re my friends and I will always have your back, even if that means dealing with my family issues. I’m sure he did that on purpose because they knew I wouldn’t read the messages otherwise.

Apologies don’t work that well when they’re sandwiched in the middle of a request for help in understanding your special email system or to ask for clarifications about my testimony. Even though I’m still pissed off at you for thinking it’s a really good idea to auto forward my personal emails (to hopefully just you and your husband) I’m glad you completely redid the Enterprise email system and created a way to automatically archive anything. You’ll be happy to know that your special system is probably the only thing keeping you from being made an example by the good cronies of Admiral Marcus. They now have the real version of your report on the volcano incident, as well as the real version of Doctor Suarez’s assessment of your partnership and not the version that Marcus doctored.

So I should probably tell you that no one on the ship will ever trust a Starfleet therapist again outside of Doctor Suarez because everybody in Starfleet (and God, let us hope nobody leaks this to the press) knows that a certain asshole therapist lied through his fucking teeth in his report to Marcus and the “powers that like to completely fuck us over.” It was bad and made it look like you make all your choices based on your personal feelings for Spock. His report made you look like an arrogant incompetent fool and Spock look like a hot mess all around.

An unknown person posted the entire thing to the front page of the Starfleet official internal network (along with several accounts of the real story), complete with a picture of the Doctor with the words liar and murderer printed across the top. Oh, why am I lying in an email to you? It’s not like anybody in Starfleet is going to be able to hack into your private email system. So I may have said something to your brother last night about what I’ve read in Spock’s diary about the possibility that Cruz lied to Starfleet. Because the little brat that you trained so well could not sleep, he sort of “tested” Starfleet’s cyber security. The result was a lot of angry crew members who now really felt like they were set up. It’s probably in Stacy Cruz’s best interest that he is in protective custody. Even I want to kick his ass, but I wanted to kick his ass before I found out that his lying resulted in Enterprise being anywhere near Earth when this completely psychotic situation began.

I’m supposed to be reading through Doctor Cruz’s really inaccurate report of the volcano incident and writing an email where I point out all of the inaccuracies in the report, but I kind of got too upset to continue. Okay, I owe you a new MPX player, because I may have tossed my work PADD at it. I was reading a particular nasty passage about how self-absorbed and narcissistic you are when your evil, evil stereo system decided to play the original version of the song “I Would Die for You.” The words in the song just managed to set me off completely and well, you should just be happy that Spock will not let you bring out your vintage vinyl collection, except on special occasions. Although your vinyl collection doesn’t have an automatic shuffle feature, so I probably would not have freaked out in the first place.

Cruz is wrong about you. You’re good person even if you do stupid things sometimes. He says that you don’t think the rules actually apply to you, but I think it’s more like you don’t think rules that are stupid should apply to anybody. Let’s be honest, we all think a lot of Starfleet regulations are stupid at times. You have to be flexible. Jim, you are not the type of person to follow something blindly just because it’s in some obscure manual somewhere. You think for yourself. You’re well aware that the right thing, according to the rules, and the moral thing is not always one in the same.

You’re not selfish. A selfish person would have never done what you did for all of us. They say there’s no greater gift in the world than to give your life on behalf of someone else. I’m still mad at you for sacrificing yourself and leaving me to deal with one mentally unbalanced Vulcan alone, but if you hadn’t done what you did, I wouldn’t be alive to write you this email. So thank you, even though I’m still pissed at you for leaving Spock behind.

Basically, I’m writing you this email because if I don’t do something, I probably will break more furniture before I actually finish my analysis of the most inaccurate report in Starfleet history. The things he said about Spock were even worse. Cruz even had the audacity to include a couple of lines about how Spock was allegedly screwing both of us at the same time. He didn’t say it in those terms, but it was strongly implied. Let’s just say it was one of the few lies actually grounded in reality. Almost everything else was pure fiction.

I don’t even get why the idiot lied. You breaking the Prime Directive should have been enough under any circumstances to result in a demotion (although I’m not sure it was an instant disqualification for tandem assignments). If it wasn’t for the fact that the guy is really really straight, I would think that you slept with him and then forgot to call. Okay, I know that probably didn’t happen because you’re a little sex-phobic and your reputation really is greatly exaggerated. Yes, Spock tells me stuff about your sex life mostly because I told him about sex stuff with Leonard or did when we were still having sex. Yes, I know I need more female friends or at least female friends that are not obsessed with my best guy friend and get sent away for doing something really inappropriate (thank you for handling that internally and not ruining Christine’s career by going through official channels).

It just seems like Cruz’s attack was really personal and I really don’t know why. Other than what we were told, how much do we know about Doctor Cruz? I don’t know if I trust anything that comes out of the mouths of certain Starfleet officials. (I miss Admiral Chris, because he never lied to us.) If the insomnia continues, I may have to do a little research on Dr. Stacy tonight.

So during my unfortunate “interviews” with Starfleet, I did manage to be pleasant to Carol. They weren't exactly very nice to her and K actually tried to dismiss Carol’s testimony by claiming it was merely a manifestation of her “daddy issues”. Really, does the guy think this is going to win him any favors?

She stopped by the apartment this afternoon with food, probably because she was there during my special response to K about the fact that I really have no family. Then there’s also a really good chance that she understood what I said when I called K a Klingon word that loosely means “one without honor who sleeps with politicians for money” after his grilling of Carol (I know Admiral Chan did, and she was impressed with my use of the language). I’m pretty sure she was there because Christine probably asked her to check up on me and thought that I could use some comfort Chinese food. She even brought the crab ragout and walnut shrimp. You know I love crab ragout or pretty much real seafood in general. Christine had to tell her what to bring.

This does not surprise me because Christine also asked me to do the same thing for Carol. I know she means well and is trying to be a good friend, even if I’m not quite sure what her reasoning behind this is. She really is doing better now that she is on the right medication and she met a new guy, Roger or something, that she can’t stop talking about. She’s really sorry for trying to give Spock an aphrodisiac, so he would fall madly in love with her, after she found out about the marriage. She said that she would apologize via email directly, but you’re still blocking all correspondence from her except those addressed to me or Doctor McCoy from reaching the ship.

The thing is, I’m not entirely sure if Carol is the best person for me to be around right now, especially because a certain ex-boyfriend of mine is so obviously trying to get in her pants. Okay, so obviously we have a lot in common, because we both grew up with absentee parents who care more about Starfleet then us and decided that it would be best for us to be raised in boarding school. She ended up in London and I ended up in a lot of different schools all over the world. Marc and I got expelled a couple of times. I’m not going to let a guy put his hand on my ass and not break a finger or two. I really have no idea why they were so touchy about that sort of thing. Okay, so I did say I need more female friends, but I’m not sure if she is really a good candidate.

You’ll be happy to know that not only did I take the food before slamming the door, we actually talked to each other for a good half an hour. I mean, it was really nice of her to come by considering that she’s in the middle of making funeral arrangements for her father (although maybe she needed a distraction). Being the complete nut job that the man was, he actually had most of it planned out and paid for. However, considering what he did, Carol doesn’t believe he deserves such a grand funeral and is redoing most of it. Also considering what the man did, it’s not like he deserves a traditional Starfleet funeral. Funeral planning is awful. I’m kind of glad that we don’t have to plan your funeral. Oh God, I can’t deal with Spock planning a funeral ever again. Amanda’s funeral was a nightmare.

I just wish you would wake up, so I would have someone to talk to. Dictating to a PADD is just not working as well as it should, and I haven’t even started ranting about certain idiot ex-boyfriends today. I think I may leave that for another time. I already broke something really expensive in your apartment tonight.

Really, I am sorry about the stereo. I promise to replace it.

 

* * *

 

Dear James:

I wish you were conscious so that I could have discussed my decision to talk to Nyota about her feelings toward me before actually speaking with her. The discussion was less than favorable (I am personally surprised she did not resort to physical violence again) and even I was thankful for the arrival of Admiral N. Pike, even if she was there to discuss many unpleasant things.

The Admiral herself is someone that I really did not want to speak with right now because, as illogical as it seems, I fear her recrimination. I felt that, like myself, she would blame me for what happened to her husband. If I had made a different choice, then he would not have been in that room that night. She said that she did not blame me for what happened. She also said that she does not blame you. (However, certain things she said leads me to believe that she does blame Stacy Cruz).

She also informed me that she was not planning to have Admiral C. Pike’s memorial service until after you have regained consciousness. She said that you need closure more than anyone else, and it would not be right to have the service without you there. She said that you were the closest thing to a son he had.

You will be happy to know that your brother is more like you than most of Starfleet is comfortable with. You will also be happy to know that he has taken his revenge on Doctor Cruz by posting his malicious and fabricated report about what we are all now referring to as “the volcano incident” along with our actual report to the Starfleet network for access by all Starfleet personnel. (He may have also added a dubious caption to an image of the Doctor.) I say actual report because I have since discovered that the reports reviewed by Admiral Marcus and the others deciding on the incident were altered before arriving at Starfleet. I found out about this from the deeply upset Admiral.

She asked for my help in preventing Kevin from doing such things in the future, but I told her that Kirks in general rarely do what they are supposed to. I also suggested that she solicit Kevin’s help to understand your special email system. Her response was to laugh. I did not tell her that I would not say anything to Kevin because I fear his response. We still have yet to speak with each other, despite the fact that he spent several hours by your bedside until the Admiral’s arrival forced him to leave.

Also, it would be very hard for me to be angry with your brother for doing something that I was personally tempted to do. After I finish my detailed analysis of Stacy Cruz’s fictitious report and the official and nonofficial versions of what happened during what is being now called the Vengeance Incident, I plan to do additional research on Dr. Cruz. This will probably involve me remotely accessing your special archiving system from the ship. I will probably do this tonight if writing you this letter does not alleviate my insomnia.

As was the case previously, the Doctor Suarez method seems to be conducive to sleep. I was able to fall asleep this morning for 3.2 hours after my letter to you without the aid of narcotics. I hope that by writing you this letter I may actually be able to fall asleep again tonight. However, I do not believe a real rest will be possible for me until you are lying next to me in sleep and not unconsciousness.

Please come back to me, ashayam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here are your questions for meditation for this chapter:  
> Why do you think Stacy wrote such a nasty report against Jim and Spock?  
> Do you think Marcus worked unilaterally or were other Starfleet admiral’s involved in his evil schemes?  
> Also, I’m debating whether to keep Jim in the ‘coma’ for the full 14 days as in canon or if he should wake up a little sooner. Honestly, I don’t think this Spock can take Jim being unconscious for 14 days. We are currently on day six, I’m not sure what Spock is going to be like by day 14. Actually, I’m not sure we can take all 14 days of our favorite Starfleet Captain in a coma. Of course, this is me and I have to come up with a logical explanation for why Jim is recovering faster in this universe. Let me know what you think and you can give me your theories about how or why Jim could wake up sooner in a universe where he is bonded to Spock.


	9. Can you please wake up now before I do something else that's really dumb?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read or reviewed the last chapter. The general consensus is that none of us can take Jim Kirk in a coma for 14 days. Depressed Vulcans are terrifying and even I do not think I can write eight more days of Vulcan self-flagellation. Therefore, sleeping Captain will be waking up earlier than canon in the story. Now, he will still be unconscious for the next few chapters at least, because there’s some stuff I need to accomplish first, but I’m planning on waking him up as soon as I can.

June 16, 2259

Dear James:

Nyota's father just departed my hospital room 15 minutes earlier after he was forcibly removed from our room by both his daughter and Dr. McCoy. I consider the incident a favorable thing only for the fact that Leonard and Nyota work together to accomplish something for the first time since the demise of their relationship (unless you count their plan to return you to consciousness and to keep me from justly murdering the one responsible for your present incapacitation.) 

The newly promoted Commodore Uhura was at Starfleet medical as part of his investigation into what is being referred to as the Vengeance Incident. I really do not want to discuss anything related to your current state with anyone. Although highly professional, a large part of the man’s investigation focused on Dr. Cruz’s falsified reports regarding the functionality of our work relationship and how it affects our personal relationship and vice versa, as well as my interactions with the doctor.

Thanks to you, we had authentic copies of various reports and additional video files to repudiate the majority of the doctor’s conclusions. The original copies of the materials disappeared from the ship’s official archives. Certain members of the Admiralty, i.e. K*, are blaming this on the massive damage the ship sustained during the incident. The backup copies that you keep on a non-Starfleet server were available and proved invaluable. Your paranoia was well founded and in the long run your decision was most prudent. I now believe that the late Admiral Marcus purposely arranged for these files to be destroyed for reasons of which I am still uncertain. We are already aware that he made all records of the torpedoes disappear. Thankfully, no one outside of your inner circle knew about your backup system. I'm very thankful that I never mentioned anything about the special e-mails to Dr. Cruz.

However, the conversation began to deteriorate when the questions became more personal in nature. Nyota arrived when we were discussing Dr. Cruz’s accusation that you and I were engaging in a sexual relationship with Nyota simultaneously. Actually, she walked into the room when I informed her father that such rumors were completely false, because we have not engaged in sexual intercourse for 12.7 months and at the time she was engaged in a sexual relationship with Dr. McCoy. This resulted in her glaring at me and engaging in a rapid argument with her father in a language unfamiliar to me. Dr. McCoy then ran into the room in an effort to force the commodore to leave. Through the door I heard Dr. McCoy yell at the man for being a horrible father. Because I could not hear Nyota agree with that assertion, I assume that she was gone by that point. This is when the commodore vacated the premises.

A few minutes later Dr. McCoy came into the room to inform me that all ‘meet the parent’ meetings usually end in arguing or bloodshed. He also said that if he knew that Nyota’s father was going to be interviewing me himself he would not allow the man in the room. He also referred to him by a few expletives that I choose not to repeat in this letter but I completely agree with. The Doctor also stated that he was not going to allow anybody to question me until he or Dr Suarez felt that such a thing is medically sound.

I am grateful for this as much as I am for the commander being forced to leave before I had no choice but to discuss what is currently being referred to as the 'warp core incident'. I am not ready to recount the incident that occurred in engineering to anyone else. I am not sure I will ever be able to describe the moment surrounding your death for official purposes, especially solely for the purpose of examining what went wrong and how we could have handled the situation differently. I am cognizant that I could have handled the situation differently. I have already composed a list; I do not need a third-party to do this.

First, we should have kept the rest of the Admiralty from discovering our relationship, even if such a relationship is normally sanctioned under Starfleet guidelines. We should have anticipated that our relationship would be treated differently for various reasons, such as the fact that you are the youngest captain ever to command a starship, and several were displeased (jealous) with your field promotion becoming permanent.

Second, I should have been more vocal in my protest against the removal of Dr. Suarez. You were sure that her removal and the placement of Dr. Cruz was an actual attempt by the Admiralty to undermine your command or to have a ready spy for their own purposes. At the time I assumed that you were being paranoid. However, as Dr. McCoy has said many times in the last few days, ‘It is not paranoia when they really are out to get you.’ Evidence now suggests that certain members of the Admiralty were actively conspiring against us for purposes unknown.

Third, I should have been more wary of the Admiralty from the beginning. Although I was unaware of Admiral Marcus’s disdain for you, I was well aware of Admiral K’s extreme dislike for you, allegedly because of the strawberry incident.

Because I hold the principles of Starfleet in such high regard, I wrongly assumed that those in charge would do so as well. I did not think that they would purposely orchestrate a plan to get you out of Starfleet in the matter that they did. We are now all aware that at least 37 separate regulations were broken during their efforts. Also, I am convinced that we were given the mission on Nibiru for the sole purpose of tempting us to do something they could find fault with. Your brother refers to it as a ‘set up’. I am grateful that we instituted our practice of working on reports together, because they could not find something earlier.

Four, I should not have insisted that I be the one to neutralize the volcano. There were others on my team who were skilled enough to do this, but I did not want to send anybody on a perilous mission that I would not be willing to do myself. I know you feel the same way. I am certain that you would have violated the Prime Directive to rescue any crew member, as you stated in your letter to me, but I do not believe Starfleet would have questioned your motivation in the same way.

It is still likely that you would have been demoted for such actions; however, we still would have been able to serve on the same ship. That is all that really matters. I just want to be with you. I do not care about anything else. I just need you. I would leave Starfleet for you. I am tempted to anyway after recent events.

Finally, I knew you were emotionally compromised by the death of someone you perceive as your father, and I should not have allowed you to be taken advantage of by Admiral Marcus. Though only in hindsight, I am fully aware of his manipulations. According to Admiral N. Pike, Marcus had nothing to do with her husband joining Starfleet. It was actually your mother who convinced him to join. I knew that what he was asking us to do was wrong. It was my duty as your husband and as your First Officer to tell you when you are making a decision that is detrimental to our family or our crew. Sometimes I wonder if those two are not mutually exclusive.

You put yourself in great peril to help me realize that I should not have been in command after my mother’s death, and yet I did not do the same thing for you after you lost your true father. I think that is where I truly failed you.

 

* * *

 

From: UhuraNX

To: KirkJT

Time Sent: 6/16/2259 19:54:17

Subject: Can you please wake up now before I do something else that's really dumb?

Dear Jim:

I am sitting here waiting at the spaceport for the Vulcan specialists to arrive. The only reason why I’m waiting is because they had to take commercial due to the current state of chaos. I would like to reiterate my strong desire for you to wake up before your husband drives me completely crazy and I do something even stupider than what I did two hours ago in a certain doctor’s office.

I don’t get why you are still comatose. Your body is healing a lot faster than everyone thought it would, including a certain ex-boyfriend who will remain nameless. I can’t deal with this by myself anymore and maybe that’s why I am making certain decisions that I really should not.

Your honey bear needs you and I need you, because I forgot how to deal with Spock without you there. He did not even touch my anti-boredom kit that I dropped off this morning because he spent the majority of his time hacking into your super-secret backup archiving system to repudiate all of Cruz’s lies.

I’m going to strangle whoever thought it was a good idea to have Spock work on this stuff right now. This sort of thing is not good for anybody’s mental health. But with Spock, it’s worse. We both know he’s horrible at dealing with his feelings. He has two states, repression or explosion. Right now, Spock is in pain because you are still in a coma and he’s pretty much blaming himself because he was unable to prevent that.

I know he did this when his mom died, but I think it’s worse this time (although that could be because he's acknowledging that this time). In his therapy journal, there is a unbelievably long list of all the things that he wished he had done differently. It contains everything from trying harder to keep Dr. Suarez on the ship to declaring you emotionally compromised before Admiral Marcus started feeding you whatever bullshit he gave you to convince you that being Klingon bait was a good idea. I almost cried, but thankfully I was alone when I read his letter to you.

Yes, I took a picture of the pages when Spock was otherwise occupied with your brother before I was forced to leave for chauffeur duty. If you were conscious, you would chastise me for what I did, but it was necessary. As Spock’s best friend, it is in my job description to monitor his mental health, at least until the professionals get here. I’m not having a repeat of the Marc incident, ever.

I have to resort to stuff like this because it’s not like he’s telling me anything. He just keeps changing the subject to things he knows I don’t want to talk about right now. This is like his favorite avoidance technique. I try to talk about you and he tries to talk about the fight I had with my father. I try to talk about the fight you and he had before everything went to hell and he brings up my breakup with Leonard. That really is not something I want to talk about ever, which is probably why Spock brought it all up. At least he didn’t mention why I came into his room looking so disheveled, but I hope that was him just being polite.

If you were conscious you could actually get him to talk about it and maybe convince him that you were going to do whatever you could do regardless of all the things that Spock came up with to change things. For example, I’m sure that in this dimension there is no way you would have let him get anywhere near the warp core. You probably would’ve punched him out too if he'd tried.

Scotty is still mad at you for breaking his nose. You’re probably going to owe him some bourbon or something.

I guess maybe it’s time for me to talk about the idiot boyfriend, the other idiot ex-boyfriend. Something happened this afternoon and I have to talk to somebody about it. I would rather talk to you about it in these letters then talk about it with Spock, because I don’t feel like giving him another reason to feel guilty, especially when he should not feel guilty about it.

Thanks to your little special revenge, he thinks that he broke my heart when he broke up with me last year, when in truth it didn’t hurt, especially compared to how I feel now. I love Spock. I adore him, but we just don’t have that type of chemistry. We are lifelong friends, not lovers, and I’m okay with that.

It is the Leonard McCoy problem I have no idea how to deal with. The entire breakup thing was Leonard’s fault anyway because he’s a stubborn jackass and refuses to acknowledge that I’m not his ex-wife. Just because I have a guy friend doesn’t mean I’m going to go down on him during fun best friend movie night, despite whatever ridiculous rumor is going on.

Everything kind of came to a head today. Our first fight happened this morning after I dropped off Spock’s survival kit. Leonard said something about me being too close to Spock. I said something about him trying to get into the underwear of a certain doctor who is not handling her father’s death very well. He said that she was just a patient and I called bull shit.

That’s when I left for my day of being interrogated by Admiral K and talking a crying Carol out of the bathroom. If I didn’t leave then, I probably would’ve smacked him upside the head or possibly something worse. Actually, if I wasn’t writing you this letter, I would be punching out walls or other people randomly.

God, I hate K. I’m totally convinced that Admiral K is being so hard on me because it’s obvious he had something to do with Marcus’ grand scheme to trigger war with the Klingons. He’s so covering his ass. He probably thought that when everything blew up he would be the one who would be in charge, not Admiral Chan. Thankfully, Admiral Chan is trying to find out the real reason why everything went to hell and not believe whatever Admiral K is trying to pass off as the truth.

Also, because I’m such a nice person, I’m now going to be spending tomorrow at a funeral for a man who literally tried to kill me and every single one of my ship colleagues. You can’t go to your parent’s funeral alone, even if they treated you like a pawn and a toy for your entire life. There is like a rule about that somewhere in the female codebook. Christine probably would be there if you had not reassigned her to the deep outreaches of space to keep her from dousing Spock with aphrodisiacs again. In a way, it is totally your fault that I’m going to the funeral of such a horrible person. I’m not going for him. I’m going for Carol. She is not responsible for the stupidity of others and she just can’t go there alone.

So after that insanity, I came back to check on Spock, hoping to find him relaxing with a nice game or movie. Instead, I find my sperm donor asking him really inappropriate questions about our relationship. I don’t know if I’m madder about him asking Spock those questions as my sire or as a Starfleet investigator. It wasn’t right. Of course I walk in just as Spock tells him in a very Spockish way that Dr. Cruz’s accusation was false because we haven’t had sex in over a year. Spock gives a much more precise number that I can’t even remember. Then, Spock tells him about my sexual relationship with Leonard. When you’re conscious again, we are so going to have to teach Spock that sometimes it’s in your best interest to stay quiet.

I get upset and tell my sperm donor that he has no business asking my friend personal questions, even if he is investigating the Vengeance Incident. Of course, I may have started screaming at him in Swahili, because I really didn’t want Spock to understand this part of the conversation. The sperm donor had the audacity to start yelling at me for not telling him about the personal relationship I had with one of the people that he is investigating, because it could undermine his investigation. He wasn’t even upset that I was having sex with a guy because I’m his little girl. He was mad about my sexual relationship with Spock, because it can hurt his job. I think that’s why I’m so upset. It’s like further evidence that they don’t love me at all. Why did they even have me?

By that point, Leonard helped me get the sperm donor out of the room. That’s when I reminded him that his investigation was also compromised since I was sleeping with the chief medical officer until right before everything went completely and utterly psycho. That led to another argument between my dad and Leonard, which I didn’t stick around for. When I came back with ice cream, I ended up being confronted by my ex-boyfriend about my daddy issues. You’ll be happy to know that I did not throw my ice cream at him, but maybe I should have.

Okay, I’m may have done something a lot worse. We started screaming at each other about... I don’t even remember what we were actually screaming about anymore. I know it was bad because he pulled me into his tiny makeshift office. The next thing I know, I pushed him up against the wall and we are kissing. Maybe if we had stopped there, it wouldn't be so bad, but I sort of ended up fucking my ex-boyfriend on his desk, or at least I hope it was his desk.

No, Jim, I don’t know how it happened. I do not even know why I let it happen. It’s like one minute we're arguing, and the next minute, I’m making really good use of those all-too-short skirts of the female Starfleet uniform. I was even the one on top. We didn’t even bother to take our clothes off. It was quick and dirty. Well, it was dirty, anyway. The quick part was questionable since by the time I got to your and Spock’s hospital room, your honey bear had managed to have a four-page letter written to you. Thankfully, all the bruising is in places where it won’t show.

I’m sure Spock knows exactly what I did with Leonard. He knows what I look like post sex, and it’s obvious he’s going to be able to smell it, even though I’ve doused myself with perfume. If he did not, then we have even bigger problems. The only thing that takes away sex smell is a shower, and that wasn’t even possible. (Dr. Suarez will probably know too since I still have not had time to take a shower.) That’s probably why he kept asking me so many relationship questions before your brother walked into the room and started screaming at Spock and literally blaming him for your death, claiming that you purposely sacrificed yourself for Spock. Apparently, he came across that certain email when he was gathering emails from your special place for the investigation and

I got to go. Dr. Suarez just walked into the waiting room with Dr. Weston and Other Spock???

 

 

 To Be Continued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Footnote:
> 
> Just a reminder Admiral K is not the TOS canon character of Komack. I think I said that in A/N during the first story, but that was probably three or four years ago. I originally created him as a symbol for general government corruption and chose to not give him a real name. K is actually short for this guy’s nickname of Admiral KKK. He is a shadow player, because nobody really knows his true motives or what he would do for power. Unlike Admiral Marcus, people already do not trust him, but he probably sees that as an advantage.


	10. Depressed Vulcans are Scary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. A lot of you will be very happy with this chapter, and that's all I will say for now.

Dear James:

I am unable to sleep tonight. I tried meditating, but it was futile and the medication seems useless once more.

My hypothesis was correct; Kevin really does blame me for your incapacitation. He confronted me earlier today or rather late yesterday. While recovering the files that were most likely destroyed by Admiral Marcus or some of his allies, Kevin came across the letter that you wrote regarding your recurring dreams. He came in here yelling various expletives at me, as well as blaming your actions in the warp core entirely on me. He said that if you did not love me, you would have never sacrificed yourself and he would still have a brother. He also said he was tired of watching his family die.

He only calmed down when Doctor McCoy administered what he refers to as sanity in a hypo. Kevin left after the doctor threatened him with an overnight stay in the psychiatric ward.

Now hours later every time I close my eyes I remember his angry words. It is my fault. I could not protect you. I watched you die. I could not save you. I do not think I am worthy of your love.

* * *

From: UhuraNX

To: KirkJT

Time Sent: 6/17/2259 8:23:24

Subject: Depressed Vulcans are Scary

Dear Jim:

Okay, I think the team of Vulcan experts got here just in time. I have never seen a more depressed Spock during the course of our entire relationship and I was with him for the weeks after Amanda died. He didn't even touch breakfast. I stopped by this morning before round three of the Vengeance inquisition to drop off edible pastries. Okay, more like I dropped off a bag of decent food in Leonard's office and ran the other way before he could actually talk to me, but let's just focus on honey bear right now. Okay, I would rather focus on Spock right now than deal with anything related to a certain ex-boyfriend.

I could not get Spock to eat a bagel from his favorite bakery even after I smeared it in Nutella at Dr. Suarez's suggestion. When Spock turns down chocolate laced food, we are all completely fucked. Okay, when Leonard does not complain about us giving his patient chocolate laced food, we are all completely fucked.

I know this is all Kevin's fault because Spock was not this bad even after being interrogated by my sperm donor yesterday. He was a total ass to your husband right before I left to pick up the doctors and Other Spock. It has something to do with Kevin finding one of your "special letters". He came in here screaming and cursing at Spock, totally blaming him for everything, including the fact that Winona hasn't taken a call from anybody in the last five days.

I don't think it's fair to blame your mom's mental instability on anybody but her, but that's just me. We are actually taking a trip to Iowa tomorrow to check up on her because we are all getting worried about her behavior. I don't want to talk about how I got manipulated into doing that. It's probably because you're my best friend and I do worry about the mental health of your other family members. You owe me for making me suffer through a shuttle to Iowa with your brother and my idiot ex-boyfriend. You know he doesn't do shuttle rides well.

Personally, I think it is going to take a small miracle for me not to smack your brother upside the head tomorrow. That idiot saying out loud that you being in a coma is all Spock's fault is just bad for all of us. Spock already blames himself for your stupidity in the warp core and I knew that before I read Spock's most recent extremely depressing letter to you. Kevin saying that it was Spock's fault just means that Spock did not sleep at all last night and he's not eating again. That's like the worst sign of Spock depression.

I'm just warning you that if I get arrested for assaulting your brother in Iowa tomorrow we will all know that he truly deserved it. Let's just be glad he's not here at the hospital right now. Otherwise, I would be so kicking his ass.

I'm writing you this letter now because I am currently stuck in the waiting room waiting for Other Spock to leave your hospital room. For some reason I have chauffeur duty for the ambassador. I don't know why.

I was planning on spending at least a full hour with our Spock until I had to deal with part three of the great interrogation. Unfortunately, I got kicked out of Spock's room when Other Spock showed up to visit you and to hopefully pull his other self out of this extremely dark depression. Although I'm not sure he will be able to do it. The elder looked so broken when he saw you on the bed. It was kind of heartbreaking, which is why I went to get coffee without protest when the elders 'suggested' it.

Maybe it's a little endearing how Spock is so wrapped up in you even when he is not your Spock. I was the one that told him about what happened. I ended up calling the elder, because Sarek's idiot assistant refused to give me the information regarding the hotel that the ambassador was staying at during his conference. I had no choice but to tell Elder Selek the truth, even if that meant telling him that at the moment Spock was in a coma, you were technically dead, and we were not 100% sure you would wake up. I hate dealing with sad/depressed Spock, even if it's not my Spock.

I still don't completely know why Other Spock is here. Officially, he's here to testify, why I don't know. The Vulcan has a tendency not to divulge anything of actual value. Okay, that's not entirely true. On the ride to the hospital, we talked about how both versions of you died, or at least we tried to. I think he shared this with me because I pretty much stayed silent in the vehicle last night and he concluded that sharing his pain might be the only way to get me to share. Honestly, I am not ready to talk about watching you die, even if it's with somebody who has been my therapist for almost a year.

But Spock is different, even if he's not my Spock. We are friends. We had a lot of time to bond during our time on the colony. I needed to speak with somebody who understood my Spock-related frustration, and he's a good listener. Or maybe it was because I was sharing this with somebody who really does know what it's like to lose you. I don't think I would've said anything if he didn't tell me about his last conversation with you- his version of you. There was a fight, he said a lot of things to Other You that he wished he had not, and then a routine mission went badly. The elder did not give me that many details, but I got it.

The whole thing made me think about Leonard and the torpedo. If Leonard died there still thinking that I hated him, I think it would have destroyed me. That's kind of how I ended up crying on the shoulder of an alternate version of my ex-boyfriend. That's also why we ended up stopping for pastries, bagels, and various chocolate laced spreads. Chocolate is the greatest thing ever.

I think unofficially he's here so we all have somebody to talk to that knows what this is like and will not judge us.

Anyway, I've got to go.

Miss you, always.

* * *

From: UhuraNX

To: KirkJT

Time Sent: 6/17/2259 21:14:17

Subject: I hate funerals

Dear Jim:

Why the hell did I agree to go to the funeral of a man who tried to kill us?

Because I'm too nice of a person, and Christine really is that manipulative when she wants to be. Amanda's funeral last year was bad, but I don't think we had to call in the police and most people at her funeral had the decency not to turn it into a political spectacle.

So it turns out that I wasn't the one who got arrested for smacking an ass hole that deserved it. That would be Carol. Also, that ass hole who deserved it was Admiral K, for turning her father's funeral into an occasion for political grandstanding. It was just bad. Basically, it was fake tears and paparazzi everywhere. So it just makes perfect sense that Carol decked the guy when he said from the platform that Andrew Marcus died defending all of our freedoms.

The good news is that the security staff managed to pull her away before she said something really really classified, such as what really killed Andrew Marcus.

Carol just snapped. She just walked up to him and started hitting him before any of us knew what was going on. She's now one floor up and hospitalized on an involuntary 72 hour psychiatric hold. Christine wants to come back to earth because of this episode. I'm trying to talk her out of it. I know Carol needs her friend, but Spock really doesn't need to be around somebody who tried to drug him for the sole purpose of having sex. Did I ever say thank you for not pressing charges?

Unfortunately I don't think Admiral K will be that benevolent. Actually, I bet he's using the entire episode to discredit her testimony about the Vengeance incident.

Although, on the bright side, I think Spock almost smiled when I told him about Carol attacking K. Of course, that may just be the side effect of the chocolate that Dr. Suarez is letting him eat. That may also be a side effect of him spending most of the day with Dr. Suarez. Then again, anything would have been better than spending quality time with the Idiots That Be. I really think the interrogation this morning is what really set Carol off. She should have been mentally preparing herself for the funeral, not dealing with this mess.

Also, another positive outcome is that I'm not going to have a session with Dr. Suarez until I get back from my trip to Iowa. All things considered, I'm actually one of her more well-adjusted patients. Considering how screwed up I am, that scares me. Let's see, I'm pouring out all my deepest emotions to a guy in a coma. I had a crying jag on another version of my ex-boyfriend. I almost punched Admiral K myself but was held back by my mother, who just had to be at the funeral because that's just how Starfleet is. Oh, and let's not even get into my crazy family relationships, because that's how I ended up in treatment in the first place at 14. Then there's the fact that I am still totally avoiding Leonard after yesterday's sex in the office thing. The fact that she has patients more needy than me is just bad.

Also, in other good news, I won't be spending tomorrow avoiding my ex-boyfriend as we go to drag your mom back here to be by your side. Admiral N. Pike is going with us instead because Dr. Weston has some theory about how to wake you up and Leonard needs to monitor. If I didn't accidentally overhear a very private conversation between the two doctors, I would have thought that maybe, just maybe, he was not going with me because he was avoiding me. I just hope whatever she is planning actually works because we need you.

* * *

From: UhuraNX

To: KirkJT

Time Sent: 6/18/2259 19:47:23

Subject: I am really sorry about the farm animals crack right now

Dear Jim:

I am in shock and awe at how well-adjusted you truly are. You have told me stories about some of the things you went through, but I'm now well aware that you sugarcoat a lot of things. Going in I thought that I was prepared for pretty much anything short of another Marc situation. It wasn't that bad, but it was close.

There is no polite way to say this, so I'm just going to tell you that your mom went off the deep end. Your childhood home was filled with empty liquor bottles and enough cookies and pastries to feed everybody on Enterprise for at least a week. There were also vast amounts of your favorite blueberry pie. As far as coping mechanisms go at least this is better than the Marc strategy.

Kevin and her therapist, Doctor Raquel Suarez, also known as the niece of our Doctor Suarez, are currently trying to get her checked into Serenity House. They may consider transferring her closer to San Francisco after you wake up. Raquel thinks that it might be good for her to be closer to you. Kevin is unsure if anything will help your mom at this point. He is also kind of blaming himself for this episode because he decided to stay the summer in San Francisco instead of coming back home. Apparently, the two had an epic fight before he started school that he doesn't want to talk about, but he's regretting whatever he said to her right now.

Kevin said that this has happened before, but usually closer to your birthday or the day that Sam died. She's been clean for the last couple years, except for a relapse right after the Battle of Vulcan.

Kevin also told me that you had to deal with this a lot, but without the baked goods. Apparently the cooking is a new development. He told me that you were the one who took care of him whenever Winona had a moment. He also told me that it used to be worse before he got there. I remember something vaguely about that from the letters that I was never supposed to read. You are not exactly the most open person in the universe. He said that you gave up a lot of your teenage years to take care of him. I guess you sacrificing yourself for everyone else is not a new thing.

Kevin also apologized for the nasty things he said to your husband. I just think that your brother needs you to wake up. We all do. I can't deal with this shit

I've got to go, Leonard is calling

* * *

From: UhuraNX

To: KirkJT

Time Sent: 6/18/2259 20:01:17

Subject: I'm planning on kissing you as soon as I get back.

Thank God, you're up

So apparently whatever Doctor Weston did actually worked and you are now officially conscious. I'm not even that surprised that the first thing you did was make out with your husband. Leonard has pictures.

Okay, now I'm kind of wishing that I did not send that last message until after I took Leonard's call. Now that you're back from the land of unconsciousness, you don't need to read an email about what we found in Iowa. That's not something you should deal with when you come out of the coma. But then again, I'm sure Admiral K will probably be showing up any moment to interrogate you. That may be worse.

Is it wrong to say that I hope you throw up on his shoes?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, there was not a lot from Spock's perspective in this chapter, because I can't do any more depressed Spock letters. I also decided to speed things up a little bit because everybody needs Jim up now.
> 
> Review if you're happy Jim is now conscious a full week ahead of Canon.
> 
> (I would like to apologize for how long it took to get this chapter posted. Between writer's depression and my wonderful beta T'Purr being out of town, it took a while. However, I'm planning on working on the next chapter first thing in the morning. So please give me your encouragement.)


	11. Chapter 6: All That Matters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. Your reviews definitely got me in my writing happy place.  
> You’re going to need a tissue for this chapter, because I swear I almost started crying while writing the first few paragraphs.  
> The wake-up scene in this chapter is to be substituted for the version in the movie because, although I am about 90% sure certain actors would be willing to film this scene, Paramount would go apoplectic at the mere idea. However, please insert Bones smartass dialogue, because that was pure gold, but I’m not rewriting it verbatim. I love Bones, even when he’s being an asshole (okay, especially when he’s being an asshole).   
> Warning: Sexual content

If you asked Jim why he did what he did in the warp core he would say that he would do anything to keep his crew safe. As he made his own death march, Chris’s words about how someday he was going to do something so spectacularly fucked up that he was going to take everybody down with him kept on playing in his head. In those last few moments, Jim was determined to make sure that day would not be today.

The truth was that Jim was not that altruistic. He doesn’t remember the exact moment that he realized that his dream about Spock dying in the warp core chamber wasn’t some crazy dream, but rather a side effect of “emotional transference” (sometimes he really does hate Other Spock). But once he figured it out, he knew there was no way that he was going to let that happen in this world. He just knew he wasn’t going to come out of this alive. Jim would happily die a thousand times if it would keep Spock alive. The rest of the crew surviving was just a happy bonus.

In the event of his highly probable demise, he wrote quick messages to his husband, his husband’s best friend, and his brother. The letter to Kevin was the hardest to write, even if it was the most simple.

XXX

From: KirkJT

To: KirkKR

Time saved: 6/8/2259 4:40:43

Time sent: 6/9/2259 00:00:01

Subject: Your brother really is a fuck up

Take care of mom for me. I’m sorry.

Love, your brother always

XXX

He sent his mother a message too, but without words, because he didn’t have time to write his mom a letter. That would take days. Instead, it was just a music file containing the song Headlights* with the subject line I’m sorry. All the messages were sent using his delayed delivery system. If things turned out better than expected he could pull back the messages and not deal with a lot of pissed off people. Considering his whole body feels like it’s on fire, he’s not going to have that chance. At least he got to say goodbye in his own way.

He was just glad that Spock was with him for his final moments because honestly, he was fucking terrified. It hurt so much and not just physically. He didn’t want to leave him behind, but he could leave this world as long as he knew that Spock was safe. Jim knew that Nyota would take care of him, even without his final message. She was probably the only person that loved Spock as much as he did, just in a really different way, contrary to what a certain condescending friend believed.

Okay so he really shouldn’t die still being mad at Bones, but he doesn’t have the time.

Shit!

He should’ve sent him a message too, but he didn’t think it would come to this. Okay, he did, but he didn’t.

For his entire childhood, Jim was resentful of his father playing the martyr. He was furious at the man for leaving him behind to deal with asshole stepfathers and crazy moms who went off the wagon spectacularly. He hated him for so long for playing the hero and leaving Jim behind to pick up the broken pieces.

Now that he’s on the other side of the glass with his hand pressed up against Spock’s, he understood why George Kirk did what he did. He died so that Jim and Winona could live their life because he loved both of them so much. He has heard multiple times that the ultimate show of love is to give your life, but he didn’t understand what that really meant until now. Jim will do the same as his father, because he really does love Spock, more than life itself.

Maybe Spock will be mad at him too, but he really doesn’t give a fuck because as long as Spock is alive to be mad at Jim, that is all that matters. With his last breath he made sure that Spock knew that he loves him so much.

xxxx

Or at least at the time he thought that was his last breath. Now, he feels Spock’s presence inside him. Everything is disjointed, but he hears Spock’s voice clearly. Half of it is in Vulcan because that is usually the language that Spock thinks in when he is stressed. However, he can make out a litany of “I love you”, “don’t leave me ever again”, and “I’m sorry”.  Yes, Spock is actually using contractions. He doesn’t say them out loud, but sometimes Jim can hear them in Spock’s thoughts.

Words fall away for memories. He remembers their first kiss with a bad Maroon 5 cover playing in the background. He remembers the taste of Spock’s mouth that first time.

He remembers the first time things went beyond heated make out sessions during their first Christmas together. He remembers the feel of Spock in his mouth and the taste of Spock on his lips after release. He remembers the touch of cooler skin against his sweat soaking body and the touch of Spock’s hand wrapped around him.

He remembers the first time they made love. He was fucking petrified. He was afraid Spock would leave, afraid that the man would figure out that he wasn’t worth it, that underneath the tough captain personna, he really was that screwed up. He remembers being face-to-face with Spock. He was still afraid, but he wasn’t. Spock’s mouth is on his, he was inside him completely, both in body and mind, and he could deal with his fear because Spock was with him. He didn’t have to go through it alone. He would never be alone again.

The words “I love you, T’hy’la” bring him out of the memories as his eyes open. He has no idea where he is, except this is not Enterprise and Spock is still with him. There is too much natural light and whatever he is wearing is a lot itchier than his uniform. That’s when he realizes that Spock is above him with his fingers grazing his melt points.

“Spock,” Jim whispered as he reached out to touch his husband’s face. It felt so good to feel Spock against his fingers. He didn’t think he would ever get to experience this again.

“I was certain a mind meld between James and Spock would wake him up,” he heard a voice that was distinctly Vulcan say in the background.

“Wake up?” He whispered the words. Bones’ response was to tell him not to be so melodramatic, as he started scanning his body. According to Bones, he was barely dead and they created some miracle drug out of the blood of “he who will not be named” to take care of his radiation problem. Jim isn’t paying attention because Spock is now caressing his face and everything else is falling away. He needed to feel him. He needed to know that Spock is here and everything is real and this isn’t his twisted version of the afterlife, not that most of his generation believes in that.

Spock was-- okay, now Spock’s mouth was on his. The man tasted like chocolate, hazelnuts and croissants, along with the taste that is purely Spock. It’s a rough kiss with teeth and tongues and hands that are going everywhere. At some point he could feel Spock rolling onto the bed and, for all intents and purposes, was straddling him.

“I don’t think he’s feeling power-mad or despondent, just horny.” He heard a voice that he would recognize anywhere, because the woman has been one of the few constants in his life since he was 10 years old.

Okay, the situation had to be bad for the mere fact that Dr. Suarez was not only back on earth, or wherever the hell they were, but also in his hospital room. This was not good at all. He was expecting the mother of all therapy sessions due to his martyrdom, or rather attempted martyrdom.

“I bet you didn’t think that the results would be so pornographic, Dr. Weston,” Dr. Suarez said, actually laughing. “Is super blood an aphrodisiac? This is not normal.”

There may have been a pause in the conversation, but Spock was sucking on his tongue, so he really didn’t pay attention.

“Okay, under normal circumstances, this probably would be normal sexual behavior for two people who had oral sex during a vid-conference with the admiralty. However, this is not normal after being in a coma for eight days. What the hell did that super blood do to him?” If Spock’s hands were not all over him, he would probably be upset that his therapist just told two other people about him going down on Spock during a Vid-conference with the Idiots That Be. Nobody else knew about that besides Chris…

That’s when it hit him. Chris is dead—but Jim is not, because Spock is kissing him as if his life depends upon it. In a way, Jim does feel like at this moment, his life depends on Spock kissing him.

“God, I didn’t need to know that. I don’t need to see this,” Bones said with an audible sigh, but he’s not paying attention. The only thing that matters is Spock. He can hear Spock in his head apologizing. Apparently those emails (and teaching Kevin how to hack) were biting him in the ass because Kevin was a complete ass to Spock and now his husband believes that Jim’s “death” was all his fault.

“You’ve just been in a coma for the last eight days after being severely irradiated. You need to stop making out now,” Bones shouted, but Jim really didn’t care. He just needed to touch Spock. He wonders if he kisses the man enough, Spock will realize that none of this was his fault. He sends these thoughts through their bond, because he can’t be bothered to speak. That would require him to stop kissing Spock. That was just not an option right now.

“I don’t think that’s going to help,” one of the other doctors murmured.

“This is actually typical behavior for Vulcan couples after a near-death experience, Jim vaguely hears the Vulcan doctor say. He wouldn’t be surprised, because Vulcans have a tendency to keep their kinkier habits to themselves.

As he kept making out with his husband, he heard the following from his favorite grumpy doctor:

“Don’t put your hands there!”

“Will you please stop straddling my patient!”

“Christ, you’ve been in a coma for a week. This is no time for you to be trying to fuck your husband. You’re in a hospital for god’s sake!”

And finally, “I will hypo both of you if you don’t stop now.”

“Oh please, you’re an amateur,” he heard his former therapist say as she actually dumped a bucket of ice water on top of him and Spock.

“Both of you get back on your beds, NOW!” Dr. Suarez said, using her best doctor voice. “I know you two miss each other and are happy that you’re both alive, but Jim, you just regained consciousness after being in a coma for the last eight days. Also, for four of those days, Spock was in a coma with you. Both of you unbelievably horny gentlemen keep your hands to yourselves. Otherwise, I’m going to be a little more direct with my placement of the ice water.” Her tone told Jim exactly where she would pour ice water, but he wasn’t concerned with that.

“Wait, you were in a coma too?” he asked worriedly. “What happened?” he asked, finally coming out of the fog of being comatose for eight days.

“I tried to tell you, but you were too busy being humped by your husband,” Bones retorted.

“Tell me again?” he asked hoarsely.

To be continued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember your reviews keep me in the writing happy place. If you’re interested in a fluffy Jim and Spock story with a lot less angst than this one, please check out my two stories for KS Advent 2013, Operation Cheer Jim Up and I Think There are Rules About This Sort of Thing.  
> *I chose to use the song Headlights by Eminem because the first time I heard it I thought this song fit Jim and Winona’s relationship in this story perfectly. Because in the reboot films, Jim is a connoisseur of 20th and 21st century rap and hip-hop, I could see him being familiar with the song or at least a remake of it.


	12. Can we fix this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read or reviewed the last chapter. I’d been in the middle of severe writer’s depression, so your reviews have been very helpful. I’m not updating the stories in order. I’m updating what I feel like writing. Therefore, you may get a few chapters of a particular story very quickly (like two chapters in 24 hours).  
> Also I would like to give a special thank you to my beta T'Purr, who not only got this chapter back to me in only a few hours but she also found a continuity error in my date stamping. In the last letter, I used the wrong date and when I went to start with the timestamps for this chapter I continued on using the wrong date. However, she caught the mistake and I was able to correct it.  
> Note: I decided to use a drinking age of 18 in the story for plot reasons and to not have underage drinking in this story. My personal opinion is if you’re old enough to go to war your old enough to have a beer.  
> There were some hints in the first story that Jim had a reason to be afraid of sex. There is a letter in the section that will give some of those details.  
> Warning: discussions of past attempted rape. Also, even though I tried to keep this chapter light, it just got dark in the end.

  
From: McCoyL  
To: UhuraNX  
Subject: Have you eaten anything today?  
Time Sent: 6/18/2259 20:11:23  
I’m starting with that subject line on the off chance that you will delete this message, without even reading it. I don’t think that you have been reading a lot of my messages. I’m almost surprised that you picked up my call on the second ring.  
As promised, attached is the video file from the room’s security camera. Please don’t view it in front of small children. I was halfway tempted to send this to your private account, but since it came off the Starfleet server to begin with, I don’t see the point. Of course, that version is no longer on the server due to the fact that certain things were mentioned about my special technique for radiation poisoning that I don’t want to become public until after the peer review process. Dr. Suarez took care of it. I really don’t want to think about the fact that it was easy for her to access the file. I think I now know who set Jim on his path to becoming the guy who hacked the Kobayashi Maru.  
Jim is fine, and not just for somebody who survived radiation poisoning. I can’t give you specifics, but all the tests are coming out good, even if I cannot come up with the scientific reason why the idiot and the hobgoblin can’t keep their hands off of each other. My personal theory is I accidentally discovered a cure for impotence. At least now they are keeping it down to “chaste” Vulcan kisses, but that’s only because Dr. Suarez threatened to pour ice water on their balls if they do anything more strenuous.  
What’s going on in Iowa with Jim’s mom? Have you talked to Kevin yet about Jim waking up? He’s not exactly taking my calls and I don’t feel comfortable calling the Admiral, unless I have to. Also please tell me you have eaten something in the last 24 hours that hasn’t come from a replicator or vending machine?  
XXX  
From: UhuraNX  
To: McCoyL  
Subject: Re: Have you eaten anything today?  
Time Sent: 6/18/2259 22:31:23  
Is that really the subject line you want to start with? Are you aware that you’re impossible sometimes?  
Yes, mother hen, I have eaten something non-replicated or at least I think it was non-replicated. It tasted good, so I’m going to go with that. Our number one favorite Admiral made me eat a grilled cheese with Apple slices. Of course, this was before we hit the bar where I first met Jim and she started sobbing into a bowl of pretzels as she told the real story of why Chris Pike was in that bar that night.  
Basically, she was best friends with Dr. Suarez and Jim’s mom. They were both worried about him and they convinced Nhi to convince her husband to stage an intervention. As they say, the rest is history.  
I think at least 25% of her tears are happy now that Jim is finally conscious again. The rest are a mixture of pain and delayed sadness for her husband and friend. I think seeing Winona just sent her over the edge. She’s been doing a good job of being the perfect Starfleet admiral, but she lost her husband two weeks ago. Of course she’s not going to be okay. I don’t think she’s going to be okay for a very long time, but rather just going through the motions. Sometimes, that’s all you can do.  
Everybody, including Kevin, knows that Jim is up or rather sexing Spock up, therefore driving you crazy. Why do you think that we were in that bar? This is like some twisted sort of wake, except two of the three people we are morning are still alive and only one is institutionalized. The thing with Winona was a complete mess. From what we could piece together she has been on a bender since the ninth, even before Kevin called her to let her know what was going on. Jim sent her an email. Yes, one of “those” emails. The subject line was “I am sorry” with a music file that contains such lyrics as: "And, Mom, I know he’s not around/But don’t you place the blame on me/As you pour yourself another drink” and “Just know that I’m alright/I am not afraid to die.”  
The song was playing in the background when we found her a good two drinks from alcohol poisoning in the middle of baking flat blueberry pie. Jim really is a special type of asshole sometimes.  
Also, speaking of things you don’t want to find out via email, can you please make sure Jim doesn’t have PADD access until I get back to San Francisco? I may have sent him a therapy email that may have mentioned Winona going off the deep end.  
It’s too complicated to tell you everything in an email, but Kevin was able to check her into mental health rehab under an involuntary 72 hour hold. He is also trying to get power of attorney. She’s not exactly in a place to take care of herself. It’s supposed to be Jim, but he doesn’t need to know any of this. Again, it would be really good if you can keep him away from his email for a little while. Anyway, there’s a hearing in the morning. I may try to leave in the morning, but I don’t know. Jim will never forgive me if I leave his little brother to deal with this mess alone.  
It really is a mess. Kevin cried in my lap. Actually, he’s still crying in my lap and honestly, I’m the only one who is still mostly sober. Kevin talks a lot when he’s drunk. Did you know that Kevin ended up being adopted by Winona Kirk because his entire family died on some Starfleet mission that is too classified for him to even want to talk about when he’s drunk? However, he did tell me that he watched his family be killed in front of him. That— I don’t even know what to say to that. I guess that explains why he was so worried/angry/pissed off at the world. Maybe I won’t slap him across the face now for the things he said to my friend.  
By the way, I can’t believe Dr. Suarez poured ice water on those two. Okay, yes I can believe that she would do something like that for their own good. I tried to show Kevin the video because I thought it would cheer him up, but that’s why he’s crying. He apologized again for blaming Spock for the whole thing. He acknowledges that Jim was going to do what he was going to do regardless. Apparently there is a Kirk martyrdom gene that makes you do dumb things to save all the people you love. Kevin is very thankful he doesn’t have it due to being adopted. I personally see it as more of a virus and both Kevin and Spock have been infected.  
Speaking of people taking Jim’s stupid stunt way too hard, how is Spock? I kind of think the constant making out and handholding is a symptom that he is not okay.  
If you’re okay with it I would like to call Jim in the morning. I know I have the video file and your personal assertion that Jim is up and conscious, but I just need to see it for myself.  
By the way, you are being a complete hypocrite about not eating. I know you’re busy, probably running all sorts of tests now that Jim is conscious, but if I have to eat grilled cheese so do you.  
xxxxxxxxxx  
To: UhuraNX  
From: McCoyL  
Subject: Re: Have you eaten anything today?  
Time Sent: 6/18/2259 22:43:53  
Yes, I’ve eaten and so has Spock.  
The hobgoblin is fine for a hobgoblin, not that it’s easy to tell. I may be willing to let you speak to him on the phone. Considering you sent Jim an email about his mom being locked up, I’m not sure I should let you talk to him. His blood pressure went sky high when we told him about Spock losing consciousness after capturing John Harrison.  
Dr. Suarez has already had to scare off your asshole father. He had the audacity to come interrogate my patient less than an hour after he woke up from a coma. I don’t know how something as good as you can come from a man like that.  
I’m not sure if Jim has time to talk to you or me or anybody else. Jim is completely lost in Spock right now. They are acting like such newlyweds. It’s sickening.  
I’ve had maybe a grand total of five minutes to talk to Jim since he woke up and that was only because Dr. Suarez took Spock out in the hallway for an impromptu therapy session. It’s all hobgoblin, all the time. It was that way before the coma, so I don’t know why I am expecting anything else. When I told him about what we did to save him, he thanked Spock but completely forgot about the rest of us. It was like I wasn’t even in the room. Jim had this look in his eyes that made it seem like he could only see Spock.*  
xxxxxxxxxx  
To: McCoyL  
From: UhuraNX  
Subject: Re: Have you eaten anything today?  
Time Sent: 6/18/2259 23:14:01  
I was raised by my grandmother. She’s the only reason why I’m remotely well-adjusted.  
Jim is not like that. Unlike my parents, Jim can focus on more than one thing. Also, I’m pretty sure you’re reading the situation wrong. You’re always so negative. It drives me crazy. Just because your wife screwed you over doesn’t mean we all will. Also, after dying, I think Jim deserves a little Spock time.  
Are you jealous of Spock? Because that’s stupid. Just because Jim is literally wrapped around Spock doesn’t mean he loves you any less than before he had a husband. Before everything went psycho, we got drunk and bitched about you being a dick. And trust me, you were a real dick. But he was only mad at you because he cares about you. You’re like his best friend. No, you’re more than that. You’re like his big brother. You always have his back.  
Fuck, if it wasn’t for you he wouldn’t be alive right now. You’re the only reason why he’s sitting up in a hospital room. When the rest of us were falling apart, you found a way to bring him back. Jim is going to realize this once he’s out of the Spock zone.  
So thank you. Thank you for saving my friend, both of them.  
xxxxxxxx  
To: UhuraNX  
From: McCoyL  
Subject: I’m not jealous of the hobgoblin.  
Time Sent: 6/18/2259 23:18:23

XXXX  
From: UhuraNX  
To: McCoyL  
Subject: Is there something you need to tell me?  
Time Sent: 6/18/2259 23:35: 32  
Oh yes you are. Actually, if I wasn’t sure you were straight I would ask if you have a crush on Jim and you are upset about him choosing somebody else. Actually, maybe I should still ask that question, considering my last "boyfriend" turned out to be human-sexual with a male preference. I mean, it would make sense if you see Jim that way and you’re projecting your feelings for Jim onto my relationship with Spock. Are you jealous that I actually had sex with my best friend when you and Jim never had that type of intimacy? Maybe that's why you're so upset that I offered to have a three-way with Jim and Spock.  
To: UhuraNX  
From: McCoyL  
Subject: Are you stoned?  
Time Sent: 6/18/2259 23:52:56  
How high are you right now? Did you take any strange pills or hypos? Did you eat anything that you know you’re allergic to? You have to be completely stoned/wasted or having a medical emergency to write what you just did. Contrary to what most women think, it is possible for two men to just be friends without secret make out sessions. I know you’re a secret Angel/Spike Shipper, but this is just ridiculous.  
Okay, maybe you’re right. I am jealous of Spock, but not because I want to sleep with his husband. Even if I was less than heterosexual, I see Jim as my brother. It would be incestuous.  
Jim was the first friend I made in Starfleet. Actually, he was my first friend after the divorce. He was the only one for a while. Everybody took her side and blamed me for everything, even though she was the one who fucked around on me. She was an excellent liar. She was my world for so long, and when I left she took everything: my daughter, my practice, my friends, and my heart.  
Jim was the first person I let into my world again. Maybe "let" is not exactly the best word. It’s more like he forced himself into my world and I couldn’t keep him out. For so long, it was just me and him against the universe. Yes, Jim slept around a lot, but I was the only person he had any connection with (except for Kevin).  
But now, Spock is there and I don’t matter. I didn’t even rate a goodbye email.  
xxxx  
From: UhuraNX  
To: McCoyL  
Subject: I’m not even drunk, let alone stoned  
Time Sent: 6/19/2259 00:01:28  
I’m not stoned or even drunk. I had one drink before I asked the bartender to switch me over to mock-tails when I realized that everybody else was going to get wasted and somebody had to be sober enough to get us to the hotel (that just happens to be on George Kirk Avenue). If I say anything really stupid, just blame it on the sleep deprivation. I didn’t fall asleep last night until an hour before I had to get up for the flight over here.  
Don’t blame Jim for the shortcomings of your so-called friends. They were all morons for leaving you behind. Besides, if they were really your friends, they would have never left you no matter how many lies Satan the ex-wife told him or her.  
Do not be jealous of those of us who got a goodbye email. When I see Jim I’m going to punch him out for that reason alone. It was a very shitty thing for him to do.  
You guys were fighting pretty badly before he almost died.  
Maybe he just didn’t want to have his apology in an email you were going to read after he was gone. Maybe some part of him still believed that he would survive to say “I’m sorry” in person. I don’t know. I’m horrible at understanding why Jim Kirk does the things that he does.  
I stand by what I said earlier. He loves you. Maybe you need to actually talk to him and let him know that you feel like he has been neglecting your relationship. I only know one person who is telepathic and that person is not Jim Kirk. Even with the telepathy, Spock is still pretty horrible at reading people. So give Jim a break and explain why you were such a dick after the volcano incident. He’s a very forgiving person.  
At the same time, you have to learn to share. Spock is not going anywhere. Vulcan marriage is until “death do us part”. Thanks to you, that didn’t happen. If you love Jim, you’re going to have to get along with Spock. They are a package deal now.  
PS: Spike/Angel is Canon. It’s not my fault that the guy who created it was like the only person brave enough to officially acknowledge the obvious at the time.  
XXX  
From: McCoyL  
To: UhuraNX  
Subject: I’m horrible at sharing  
Time Sent: 6/19/2259 00:11:23  
I’m horrible at sharing. I’m not good at talking about my feelings. You know this probably better than anyone else. There’re a lot of things that I should say to Jim, but I’m afraid to. Jim is a bastard when he’s angry.  
XXX  
From: UhuraNX  
To: McCoyL  
Subject: Re: I’m horrible at sharing  
Time Sent: 6/19/2259 00:17:19  
So are you. I think that’s why you’re best friends. You’re both equally good at being a bastard sometimes.  
We can talk more in the morning or when I get back tomorrow or rather later today. I need sleep right now and so do you.  
XXXX  
From: UhuraNX  
To: McCoyL  
Subject: I don’t think we are really talking about you and Jim anymore  
Time saved: 6/19/2259 01:03:31  
Time Sent: 6/19/2259 06:00:01  
I should probably send this email with the rest of them, but if I save this to my folder and you still get it, then I can just blame Jim for being a special kind of idiot. I mean, after seeing my special therapy email among Spock’s messages four days ago, I know it’s really likely that you’re going to read this. But if I don’t press the send button myself, I still have plausible deniability. I live in the world of plausible deniability. Okay, I live in denial.  
We haven’t talked about the sex in your office thing at all. Not in person and not in these emails. I almost started to a few times, but quickly deleted everything I wrote. I don’t even…  
I don’t know what I’m doing with you. See, in the beginning I just thought we were fucking around, something like friends with benefits. Then somewhere along the line I pretty much fell in love with you, even though you’re an asshole 90% of the time. If you weren’t like that I don’t think I would’ve loved you.  
At the same time, I think we have been talking about it. Not what happened in the office, but about us and how everything fell apart. We say that we are talking about you and Jim, but I think we are really talking about you and me.  
Do you not trust me? Are you jealous of my relationship with Spock, because you’re afraid that he’s going to take your place? Although, maybe in our case it would be that I never removed him from that place to begin with.  
I don’t think you realize how different my relationship with you is from my relationship with Spock. See, even though Spock and I have had sex, I think our relationship has always been just a friendship. After Amanda died, he just got so lost in himself that I couldn’t reach him. I felt like I was days from finding his dead body. I couldn’t go through Marc again. I was desperate. So I kissed Spock, and he responded. The only time I got anything out of him during those first few weeks was when he was inside me. Otherwise he was so far gone that I couldn’t reach him.  
I know it was absolutely fucked up and I figured that out before I started seeing Dr. Suarez. The situation was made worse by the fact that I had just lost Gaila too. It was probably good that Spock ended things when he did, because I’m not sure I was in a place to look at the situation rationally. Also, if we kept holding onto each other I think we both would have missed out on something wonderful.  
Maybe somewhere out there in another universe there is a version of me that held onto Spock even though she knew that it wasn’t working, but I'm not her. Spock is my best friend, but he was never the love of my life. I’m not sure if I’ve met that person yet.  
Part of me thinks that it’s you. On the days when you’re not being an asshole, I can picture us 20 years from now, still together. I’m the head of the Starfleet linguistics department and you are the head of the medical department. You know, the guy who makes all the rules. I think you would like that job just because it is a planet based assignment. I’m not sure if we would have any kids together, but I imagine that I have a step-grandbaby who I spoiled rotten and treat like he or she is my own.  
See, the thing is, I never pictured a future with Spock beyond him being alive the next day, at least not until Spock started dating Jim. Now I see our grandbabies playing with Jim and Spock’s daughter/son in our living room. You have no idea how badly I want that fantasy to come true.  
Then the volcano incident happened and my fantasies started to unravel. All three of you almost died on me. Spock made me flashback to the Marc incident, and seeing Jim’s lifeless body reminded me of my grandmother (at least this time you were able to bring him back). But you almost died too and if it wasn’t for Carol, I would be planning your funeral right now (along with Jim’s too because without you we would be burying him right beside you).  
The real reason why I’m doing everything that Christine asked me to do regarding Carol (despite some of the not so nice things I said about her earlier) is that I owe her. Losing you would’ve killed me. I thought this thing between us was just sex and then somehow I fell in love with you. I’m so emotionally invested in you that I can’t think straight.  
I’m scared that you don’t love me like that. Maybe you can't love me like that. Sometimes I wondered if the bitch screwed you over so badly that you can’t love me. As long as you are alive, at least there’s a chance that we can fix things.  
Do not tell Jim this because it will probably make him feel guiltier, but there was another reason why Admiral Number One was crying into the pretzels tonight, or rather yesterday at this point. She was not happy that Chris was going back into space, even if they hoped it would just be long enough for the lawyers to challenge the bullshit report put together by our friend Stacy Cruz. (It turns out the dick was actually on Marcus’s payroll and was purposely sent to Enterprise to break up the command dream team. Admiral Number One is a talker when she is wasted.)  
Chris blamed himself because if he had never forced Jim and Spock to tell the Idiots That Be about their marriage, certain entities in Starfleet would not have been actively trying to break up the two, professionally at least. That’s why he volunteered to take over Enterprise, so they wouldn’t give the ship to Jim’s sort of ex Gary or something. That would be bad because, let’s just say if Jim had gone to the police after Mr. and Mrs. Pike picked him up after his “date” with Mister Gary, the guy probably would not even be in Starfleet anymore, let alone qualify for a captaincy.  
(Okay you might as well know the truth. Contrary to what you said in your earlier email, Jim did not fuck around that much, he just made out a lot. He has a lot of issues when it comes to sex. You can still technically count the amount of people he has had sex with on your fingers, well, if you don’t count hand jobs and grinding with close on. According to Kevin and Nhi, the Gary guy wanted to be one of those people and got tired of Jim not wanting to go any further, so he put Rohypnol NGX in Jim’s drink. Because this had happened to Jim before (I don’t even want to think about that), he recognized the symptoms and managed to deck the guy before activating his ‘panic button’.)  
Number One felt that there was another way to keep Jim from serving under some guy who tried to rape him without her husband going back into space and leaving her behind. Chris didn’t think so, because he was sure that Admiral Marcus and Admiral KKK were really trying to fuck with Jim. Also, if Jim didn’t say anything about what happened during his first year at the Academy, he wasn’t going to do it now. There was a fight of the breaking dishes type where she said a lot of things to her husband that she wished she hadn’t. Chris left so she could calm down, promising that they could finish talking in the morning. Morning never came.  
I don’t want that to be us.  
So there it is. I love you and I  
Can we fix this? Do you want to fix this? Even if we cannot get back together, I don’t want to leave things like they are. I don’t want to be the woman who cries herself to sleep because she’s afraid that the person that she loves the most died thinking that she hated him. I don’t want to be Number One right now.

XXX  
From: McCoyL  
To: UhuraNX  
Subject: Dr. Suarez wants to see us together  
Time Sent: 6/19/2259 11:11:11  
When you get back, Dr. Suarez wants to meet with us together. She says it’s because she has too many people to talk with to do separate appointments, but I think it would be good if we worked things out with adult supervision. I do want to fix us.  
To be continued.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *For this chapter and the last, I had to watch the wake up scene about 14 times. It was pretty obvious that once Jim realized that Spock was in the room he completely forgot about Bones. More than anything else, it was that look of pure adoration and love on his face that pretty much inspired me to write this story in the first place because I can see the Jim in this universe giving his Spock the exact same look. (Okay, when I saw the movie in the theater, this was one of those scenes that had me mumbling “just friends, really?” under my breath the entire time.)


	13. Greetings from Iowa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read or reviewed the last chapter. By some miracle (or my wonderful beta) I was able to post two chapters within 24 hours. So if the last thing you remember is Spock practically humping Jim the moment he wakes up (good memories), you missed the last update. This chapter picks up after the last email in the section before.
> 
>  
> 
> There’s probably going to be less narrative in this story than in the previous one. I’ve been reading this wonderful Steve/Tony Avenger story on A3O called 1796 Broadway by Rainproof and Teaberryblue where they’re also using letters to tell the story (if you’re into the Marvel Cinematic Universe and love letter stories, check out the story as well as my own one-shot for this universe called Dear Pepper on A3O). They have been more dependent on using the letters then I was the first time around, but they have been successful, which makes me more inclined to do more letters this time around. However, I will still be doing the therapy sessions in prose and there’s going to be lots of therapy sessions in the future.
> 
>  
> 
> A/N: so when I did the timestamps for the last chapter. I forgot that I was two hours ahead of San Francisco. However, to stave off confusion, all the time stamps in this chapter will reflect San Francisco time.

 

From: UhuraNX

To: McCoyL

 

Subject: Re: Dr. Suarez wants to see us together

 

Time Sent: 6/19/2259 12:04:11

 

So I should probably tell you right off the bat that I’m going to be stranded in the-middle-of-nowhere Iowa for at least another day, maybe two. I don’t really know. Despite the fact that Winona has gone off the deep end completely, it’s going to take us a little while to prove that she is a danger to herself and others (despite the fact that this is not the first time). Since they recalled our number one Admiral back to San Francisco to talk to Jim about what happened during the Vengeance Incident (because apparently Dr. Suarez won’t let my dad anywhere near Jim), somebody needs to be here for Kevin. Poor kid.

 

I’m glad that you want to fix things, but I don’t know if therapy will work for us.

 

Okay, so therapy probably would be beneficial, but I don’t like therapy unless I’m being ordered to show up. It reminds me way too much of mandatory parent/child therapy sessions that I would have whenever my parents could be bothered to be planet-side from more than a week. That was pretty ineffective because my parents were convinced that they did nothing wrong by dropping me off at grandma’s house and later boarding school so they could concentrate on their careers, instead of me.

 

Next time my dad shows up to interrogate a still-recovering Jim and Spock, ask him how well our family therapy sessions turned out. I think that meeting at Starfleet a couple of days ago was the first time I’ve spoken with him in at least a year.

 

Okay, I am horrible at therapy, especially group therapy. I get really defensive and, well, you should probably ask Spock about what happened during one of our best friend therapy sessions when I started hitting him repeatedly with a foam bat because he said I was meddling too much in his and Jim’s relationship. I wasn’t, but whatever. Okay, maybe I stepped over the boundaries a little bit (but Jim got me back for reading his therapy letters so we're even).

 

Okay, maybe I need to back off a little bit with Spock and let him live his own life (as soon as I’m sure he’s not going to starve himself again or pull another volcano stunt). But you can’t tell me that if Jim was doing something utterly stupid you would not try to intervene. You’re just that type of friend. I’m okay with that, you just have to treat me with the same respect.

 

Speaking of Jim, have you spoken with him? Does he know that you’re upset that he spends way too much time with his husband and not enough time with you? Is he aware that you are jealous of all the attention that he’s receiving and you’re taking that out on me?

 

On a related note, if we do get to the point where we can be in a room together and not fight all the time, or a repeat of what we did in your office a couple of days ago that I don’t want to talk about, I am going to try to make time for just us. Maybe if I do that, you will freak out a little bit less.

 

Just so you know, I’m never planning to have sex with Spock again unless Jim can successfully talk you into a foursome. It can be Jim’s “thank god, you’re not dead” present.

 

I tried to call Spock but that evil nurse wouldn’t let me get through to him. I think he hates me. Did you give Spock back his PADD privileges? Maybe I could try emailing if you have.

 

Actually, maybe we should just stick to emails for a little while. I think we're less bitchy with each other in writing. Right now, if we end up in the room together, it’s highly likely that we may break furniture.

 

* * *

 

From: McCoyL

To: UhuraNX

 

Subject: Are you sure you didn’t take any strange pills?

 

Time Sent: 6/19/2259 14:45:32

 

Or run through the condoms that Jim gave me as a damn gag gift for my birthday. Also, we did manage to damage the desk in my office. God, I don’t want to explain why I need a new desk to anybody. Jim would be so smug about it too, because I’ve made such a big deal about him and Spock doing inappropriate things in his hospital bed (or supply closet sex on the ship).

 

I really haven’t had too much time to talk to Jim between keeping your prick of a father away and Jim being all over his husband. We can talk once he is out of the hospital. Considering the effects of my special radiation treatment, he might be out sooner rather than later.

 

I honestly think that your dad is being extra nasty during the interrogation process. I just keep telling myself, I can’t punch him out because he’s the man responsible for providing your genetic material. Then again, we may have almost come to blows because I asked about the family therapy sessions. In light of his response, let’s just stick to emails for a little while. At least we can joke with each other right now in our emails.

 

Do you know yet how long Kevin is going to need you in Iowa? If I had known you weren’t coming back today, I would not have agreed to Spock being discharged. Although, honestly, that’s probably just a technicality. You may be the only person that has any chance whatsoever at getting Spock to go to his apartment and maybe take a shower. Even Ambassador Spock doesn't stand a chance. Without you here, I'm expecting the hobgoblin to sleep in the chair next to Jim’s bed the entire time.

 

Oh, who are we kidding, he’s probably going to sleep in Jim’s bed. Dr. Suarez actually ordered Jim a bigger bed, the enabler. I’m surprised I haven’t walked in on one of them giving head to the other. She’s okay with it because she believes that the two need constant contact to help recover from everything.

 

(Don’t you dare think about coming back earlier than you need to just for Spock. He’s a big Vulcan, and he can take care of himself and Dr. Suarez is here to kick him upside the head, if necessary. Besides, he’s going to want you to help take care of his brother-in-law and mother-in-law, which is what you’re doing in Iowa.)

 

Yes, Spock does have his PADD back and he’s currently going through the mountain of Starfleet paperwork and some things that their lawyers gave them to look at.

 

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but for the health of my patient, please email him. He needs something to distract him from all of that Starfleet bureaucratic bullshit.

 

They're still going to have to go through a fucking hearing about whether they can serve together effectively. Jim sacrificed himself so that we could all live and Spock let him do it. If that doesn’t prove that they can make tough decisions for the greater good despite their personal relationship, I don’t know what will. Although on the bright side, because of this cluster fuck, they may actually get a fair hearing this time. I almost punched the wall when I found out about the evidence that Stacy Cruz fabricated. I can’t call him a doctor anymore because he’s not. The man is a disgrace to the profession.

 

When Jim finds out, I hope to all omnipotent beings in the universe that Jim did not pick up any homicidal personality traits from his blood donor. It's already going to be touch and go as it is. Jim is very protective of his hobgoblin.

 

Please tell me you were joking when you suggested we give Jim a foursome as his “thank god you’re not dead” present. (Although, considering his reaction to the radiation treatment, he probably would go for that sort of thing.)

 

If you’re being serious, I’m going to ask you about your alcohol and drug consumption in the last 24 hours again. I told you that I see Jim as too much of a brother for something like that.

 

Sulu and Scotty want to throw some sort of welcome back party once Jim gets out of here, with probably just lots of alcohol, not group sex. That’s what normal people do for their friends, not offer sex. Do you think that type of behavior is normal? See, this is why I think Dr. Suarez would be helpful.

 

Good to know that you don’t want to have sex with your ex-boyfriend, except if I’m “watching for fun” reasons not “walked in on you screwing my friend” reasons. As long as we're together, I don’t really expect to see something like that.

 

I don’t really believe most of the rumors circulating about you and Spock. I’m an asshole when I’m angry. And I say things that I should not, but then again, so do you. The only person better at pushing my buttons than you is Jim.

 

Although, did you really have to kiss Spock after the incident on the planet of the Klingons?Were you purposely doing that just to annoy me?

* * *

 

From: UhuraNX  
To: McCoyL

  
Subject: When have I ever been normal?

  
Time saved: 6/19/2259 15:56:31  
Time Sent: 6/20/2259 06:00:01

 

“That’s what normal people do for their friends, not offer sex. Do you think that type of behavior is normal?” See, this is why I think Dr. Suarez would be helpful.”

 

In an effort to keep these emails cordial, I’m going to write my initial response to your question now and allow Jim’s special brand of crazy to do its work. Maybe, just maybe, Spock has thoroughly yelled at Jim for that and my favorite idiot has fixed the glitch and you won’t read this. Oh, who are we kidding? Jim will probably think this is hilarious.

 

Also, I’m hoping you’re still keeping him away from electronics. The Sit Reps on the Vengeance Incident are good for no one’s mental health. The death tolls are not good. Did you know that Dr. Weston's sister-in-law was among the dead? She was having lunch at one of the buildings that the ship crashed into first. Her five-year-old nephew is now officially an orphan, since his father disappeared before he was even born. That’s the real reason why she’s here in San Francisco, other than checking up on why Spock can pick up on me being happy or sad. I think I am kind of avoiding her because I don’t want to know why.

 

Did we ever talk about our past sexual partners besides Spock and the ex-wife? I guess that’s one of the other things we need to speak about. Especially considering that we barely talked about the ex-wife. I think I’ve learned more about that relationship in the last couple of days then I did during the entire nine months that we have been together.

 

God, she really fucked you over. I feel like I have to apologize on behalf of my entire gender for the way she treated you. You deserve better.

 

To answer your question, no, I don’t go around screwing all my friends, but I think a lot of my friendships have had a sexual component at some point. I mean we started out as friends and then shifted to sex and then somewhere along the line we may have fell into a relationship, I think.

 

Marc was my first and it was horrible, mostly because halfway through he figured out he was really gay, and your first time is always horrible. (Except for Spock, who I didn’t even realize it was his first time when we were together.) It wasn’t even like Marc and I had romantic feelings for each other. It was more like we were 15 and curious and I trusted him a lot more than any of the other guys who are trying to get with me at the time. It really didn’t hurt our friendship and hey, at least I can say that the first person I ever had sex with was someone that I really loved, even if it wasn’t in that way. That’s better than what a lot of people get to say.

 

After that, most of my platonic relationships were strictly platonic until Gaila. Part of me would like to blame the random kissing and helping each other out between relationships as me being affected by her pheromones, but I don’t know. She was my best friend after Marc died, but I wasn’t in love with her, not like I love you. It’s probably closer to what I feel for Spock, but that’s different too. With her it was like the physical stuff was an expression of our friendship. Actually, the sex stuff didn’t happen until Marc died and I was just such a mess that I would take any physical comfort offered. She is the only girl I’ve ever been with.

Do you think that’s where I got the idea to sleep with Spock to keep him from falling apart? In hindsight, maybe I was trying to keep us from falling apart.

With Jim, it is not about sex. It’s about trust. I’m someone that he would trust to have sex with without being stoned out of his mind. I cannot explain to you why that means so much. It would violate his trust to do so, and this is something you should hear from him. However, if you read the last special letter detailing the Gary incident, you probably have an idea. So no, I probably will never act on it, especially if we get back together, but I like the fact that I’m on his list of people that he trusts to see him that vulnerable. By the way, I think you’re on that list too, and it is a very exclusive list. I think the only names that are currently there are yours, mine, and Spock’s.

 

* * *

 

From: UhuraNX

To: McCoyL

Subject: The Enterprise Rumor Mill is Evil and Usually wrong.

Time Sent: 6/19/2259 16:01:11

 

What is the rumor mill saying about my post-battle kiss with Spock? Chances are it was highly exaggerated. Also me touching his hand is probably more sexually explicit by Vulcan standards than me kissing Spock on the lips. Although Spock is human sexual and therefore prefers both, so I’m not sure.

 

Yes, I was joking and honestly, I don’t even think Jim can talk Spock into a foursome with you involved. You’re kind of intimidating and he is a little scared of you, not that he would ever, ever admit that. Okay, Spock would never admit that he was scared of anything. That drives me crazy.

 

Also, I should have called you out on this yesterday, but Jim is not the complete slut that you seem to think he is. That’s one of those things that you and him need to talk about as soon as you get over yourself. If you have time to email me, you have time to talk to Jim.

 

As soon as I’m done talking to you, I will email Spock. I’ll even suggest that he let you and Jim have a moment to work on your bromance. I’m going to suggest that Spock start on the wedding planning again. Planning a wedding has to be more pleasant than being interrogated by my father.

I think Spock could use some human companionship and I don’t think you and Dr. Suarez really count, even if you’re fun to be around when you’re not being an asshole. (Also, his relationship with the ambassador is complicated.) Maybe you should invite some of the crew to see Jim. Not everyone, because that would just be overwhelming, but Sulu and definitely Scotty should be able to see Jim. Actually, I think Scotty needs to see Jim more than anyone else because he was there when

 

I don’t know about the party thing. That may just be too overwhelming this soon after everything. I don’t want some of the more idiotic members of the crew saying the wrong thing to Spock. The fallout from Kevin being an idiot was bad enough.

 

I’m not sure when I’m going to get back from Iowa. I’ll have to talk to Kevin and he’s been busy this afternoon, but we are supposed to have dinner together at 7:30 PM to strategize. I will let you know.

Maybe we could do dinner when I get back? God knows that you need to get out of the hospital. Honestly, it’s very hypocritical to be upset about Spock sticking around even though he is now discharged when you have practically moved into the hospital yourself. I’m not even sure you have seen the inside of your apartment since everything fell apart.

I’m going to tell you right now that me not being friends with Spock is going to be a deal-breaker. If you can’t handle Spock or any of my other friends in my life, then we need to work on reestablishing our work relationship post-romantic relationship. Maybe if we are lucky someday we can be friends again. But I’m going to tell you now I will not be in a romantic relationship with somebody who thinks that they can control me. I’m not that type of person. I did it once before and I will never do that again.

 

* * *

 

From: UhuraNX

To: SpockX

 

Time sent: 6/19/2259 16:45:54

 

Subject:  Greetings from Iowa

 

Leonard told me that you have been discharged. Please tell me that you’re not still spending all your time in Jim’s hospital room? Sunshine is just as important to Vulcans as humans and, considering that we spend so much time on starships, you really should try to get some when planet-side. Also, food is good. There’s this bakery down the street from the hospital that makes your favorite vegan apricot cookies. They also make a good spinach feta rollup. (I know you eat cheese, so don’t even pretend otherwise. It’s like your favorite human food.)

 

Also, go home and sleep in your own bed. Although I doubt you’re going to do that because I’m not sure it is possible for you to fall asleep without Jim being in the room, even if you’re not curled up beside him. At the very least, take a shower and change into something comfortable. If you show up wearing blue jeans and one of Jim’s T-shirts, I think you will make Jim very happy.

 

If I were there, I would so drag you to the apartment, but I’m going to be in Iowa for a couple of days. You already know that we came here to check on Winona in person since she won’t pick up anybody’s calls. Since I was not specifically told not to tell you what is going on, I’m going to let you know that we probably made a good decision by coming to Iowa. Winona is not in a very good place and I’m going to stay here and help Kevin get her the treatment that she needs. If Jim knew what was going on he probably would ask me to do this.

Don’t you dare try to blame yourself for all this. Spock, none of this was your fault. There’s even a pretty good chance that the whole incident on N was engineered for maximum fallout. Stop moping, and don’t you dare tell me Vulcans do not mope. I know you too damn well to believe that.

I don’t want you to think about anything involving the Vengeance Incident or what’s happening in Iowa. Right now, concentrate on Jim. Yes, Jim is going to need you, especially when he starts having to deal with the interrogations. Hopefully after the incident with Carol, they will get people involved that will not send those being interrogated to the psych ward.

Actually, I think you need a distraction. Maybe we should start working on planning the wedding again? I think with everything that’s happened, we should still do something, maybe in the next month or two. Although I have this feeling that Starfleet will probably hijack the wedding for the sake of good publicity, Admiral Chan does love a good wedding.

I’m still picking out my own best person dress, but I need to know what colors to choose. There is this little boutique down from the hospital here where they still make handmade dresses. They have some really beautiful stuff. I’ve attached some pictures. There is also another store that sells antiques, including vintage clothing, where I’m sure Jim spent most of his childhood. Actually, I think Mr. Clover (the guy who owns the store) is the one responsible for Jim’s vintage records and obsession with all things hip-hop. I may have picked up a few things for Jim as get well gifts.

Anyway, I’ve included some links to a few websites, some of which include sites for wedding planners. You know I love to help you both, but I think I need to back off from some things.

Also, I’m trying to fix things with my boyfriend and he’s jealous of you. No, not just because we used to have sex, but because Jim is kind of so obsessed with you that he forgets other people are in the room. This is kind of normal in relationships. So don’t feel bad. It takes a while to learn to balance all your relationships. This didn’t happen with us because by the time we were dating all my friends were dead (except Christine, who wanted to sleep with you.)

Okay, Gaila would have asked for a threesome and would have most likely successfully talked us both into it. Jim reminds me of her a lot sometimes, in a good way. I miss her badly.

 

* * *

 

 

From: McCoyL

To: UhuraNX

Subject: I do Trust you

Time Sent: 6/19/2259 17:07:13

 

I’m not that upset about you spending time with Spock. If I told you who you can hang out with, I think you would cut my dick off, so I’m not going to even try. Also, the ex-wife tried to control a lot of my life, like picking out my clothes and determining when I could hang out with my friends (post divorce she satisfies her need to control every aspect of my life by deciding when and where I can visit my daughter even though the court said that I should be able to visit Jojo while we are planet-side. Stupid fucking cow.)  I’m not even going to try to do it to you. I’m not her. I refuse to be anything like her. Yes, I realize you’re not her either. First of all, you are nowhere near as spiteful. Also, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think you are less stubborn or maybe I’m less stubborn now. At the very least, we are talking or writing to each other.

The only thing I’m worried about is your spreading yourself too thin, and you put too much on yourself. You can’t be everything to everyone, and too often you blame yourself for everything going on when you have no control over it whatsoever. God, you and the hobgoblin are so alike in that regard, it's terrifying. You need to take time for yourself too.

PS. Sorry about the nurse. Thanks to your father being a dick, I gave specific orders that nobody in Starfleet with your last name be put through to Spock. He actually tried to ambush Spock at the bakery after Jim tricked him into leaving to get him non-hospital food and civilian clothes from the apartment.

I guess I should have told him that did not include you. I will try to have Spock call you directly. However, he does have his communicator back (after being thoroughly searched by security), so you don’t need to go through the front desk anymore.  It’s not like this is a long distance call.

* * *

 

From: SpockX

 

To: UhuraNX

 

Time written: 6/19/2259 19:12: 45

 

Subject: Yes, I have left the Hospital.

Yes, I have left the hospital since being officially discharged. James despises hospital food. Thank you for informing me about the bakery. I enjoyed the spinach stuffed croissants. They also have wonderful homemade chicken soup which was the only thing Dr. McCoy would allow James to consume. I also brought Dr. McCoy a ham and cheese croissant, just so he would allow James to eat non-hospital food.

 

I do not blame myself solely for the events related to what is currently being referred to as the Vengeance Incident. The late Admiral Marcus was responsible for the majority of the events that transpired. I do not believe that I am completely absolved of responsibility, nor do I believe that others, such as Kevin and James' mother, did not hold me responsible. My bond mate died and I was unable to prevent it. I do not believe you when you say that Kevin has apologized.

 

I believe that planning the wedding may be an activity that James and I can undertake together during his recovery. It would be more conducive to rest then being interrogated by your father.

 

We have yet to settle on the date due to the fact that there is some uncertainty about how long I will be planet-side. According to Admiral Pike, Starfleet is still deciding one, if we will be allowed to serve together and two, if either of us will be reinstated as the captain of Enterprise. I do not understand, but James has asked that we both be considered for the position. Actually, he told Admiral Pike that he would prefer to be my first officer.

 

I believe we will be meeting with the lawyers as soon as James can handle stressful situations. I fear that the phone call with Kevin to discuss his mother’s incapacitation will be enough stress for the immediate future. While I was getting food and clothing, James read your e-mail and contacted Kevin directly.

 

PS: James desires to use "command yellow" as one of the wedding colors. I would prefer blue.

 

* * *

 

From: UhuraNX  
To: McCoyL

  
Subject: I should have called   
Time saved: 6/19/2259 20:57:31

 

Are you and Doctor Suarez collaborating? We just had a phone session. She said the same thing about me spreading myself too thin. She wants me to relax while I’m in Iowa. She talked me into visiting the hotel spa. Okay, she threatened to tell my parents where I was if I didn’t agree to do something relaxing.

 

Besides, it’s not like I can tag along with Kevin when he actually goes to see his mom tomorrow. I’m here more for emotional support and helping him navigate all the legal stuff. Lawyers are evil and even in the 23rd century; our laws regarding mental health are a fucking joke. When I get back to San Francisco I am setting up a living will for this contingency. If something happens to me or I finally lose it completely, you and Spock are in charge of all decisions regarding my medical care. I don't want my egg and sperm donor to have any say whatsoever. I don't even want them to be able to visit me.

 

We should be done tomorrow, but I don’t know if we will take a shuttle back immediately. We probably will, because Kevin wants to see Jim or just talk to him. Dr. Suarez would not let us talk to Jim. She actually pulled the phone away from him when Jim started interrogating Kevin about the Winona situation. Okay, so the reason why we ended up speaking to Dr. Suarez is, thanks to Jim reading Spock’s emails, Jim found out about Winona being in the hospital. I think this is more your fault, because if you would have told Jim some of what was going on, instead of keeping him in the absolute dark, maybe he wouldn’t have broken into his husband’s PADD when he was cussing out my father Vulcan style after he followed him from the bakery. Only Spock can say the words ‘live long and prosper’ in a tone that makes you realize he really said ‘fuck you’.

 

Also, even before you and Doctor Suarez intervened, I realize that maybe I am overdoing it. I already told Spock that he should probably hire a professional to help with the rest of the wedding planning. Of course, they have other things to worry about like still being able to serve together and surviving my father’s investigation. Admiral Pike is trying to get him kicked off the investigation because he’s treating Spock unfairly. Considering that everybody feels really guilty right now about her husband dying (as they should, considering it was a set up), she probably can get anything she wants.

 

* * *

* * *

 

From: UhuraNX

To: SpockX

 

Time written: 6/19/2259 21:04:19

 

Subject: No Starfleet colors

 

Okay, I know I suggested the wedding planner, but there’s no way in hell I’m letting you guys do Starfleet colors, especially after everything they’ve put us through. Although, knowing you as well as I do, you’re probably not thinking science blue, but rather the color of Jim’s eyes. He does have pretty eyes. Now that I can work with.

* * *

 

 

From: SpockX

To: UhuraNX

 

Time written: 6/20/2259 02:01:54

 

Subject: Command gold for everyone

What the hell is wrong with command gold? Spock looks good in command gold, even if he doesn’t believe me.

 

* * *

 

From: UhuraNX

To: SpockX

Time written: 6/20/2259 2:15:54

 

Subject: Re: Command Gold for everyone

Jim, did you hijack your husband’s email account or did Dr. Suarez give Spock the good drugs?

To be continued

 


	14. Chapter 7: Sleepless in San Francisco

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter.
> 
> A/N: I remember on the first story that I had to do an A/N to let people know that the main purpose of the first story was not just to get Jim and Spock together, but it was the exploration of the aftereffects of the Battle of Vulcan and Nero. This sequel is going to stay true to that. The purpose of this story is to explore the aftereffects of Jim dying and the Vengeance Incident. (The secondary purpose is to make STID more Jim/Spock friendly and, considering what they gave us to work with, it wasn't that difficult. I'm half convinced that in the movie Jim stopped having sex with the Kitty cat twins because Spock called him.)
> 
> I know some K/S people do not like Nyota, but honestly she was the first character in the world of Star Trek that I fell in love with. Just because I'm frustrated that nearly 50 years later, we still live in a world where K/S cannot be overtly canon (and in some parts of the world being gay can still get you arrested or killed), I'm not going to take that frustration out on the main female character in the film.
> 
> Because Spock was having such a difficult time when Jim was unconscious, Nyota became the main storyteller, because she was the most functional and Bones became second because again, he was the most functional. In the upcoming chapters, things are going to switch to Jim's perspective, which was always the plan. However, that does not mean that Nyota will disappear. I have plans for her and Bones. This is their story, just as much as its Jim and Spock story. Also the relationship between Jim and Bones and the relationship between Nyota and Spock and Jim and Nyota is just as crucial as any of the romantic relationships in the story.

 

Jim hates this fucking dream. Okay, he hates any dream involving watching Spock die, such as his new recurring nightmare of not being able to beam Spock out of the volcano in time. But the warp core dream was its own special type of hell and that was before – when it was just some abstract memory/unintentional consequence of emotional transference. Now it was a real memory attached to the feeling of burning from the inside and watching his Spock fall apart from the other side of the glass, unable to do anything.

He expected to have nightmares about dying. Dr. Suarez expected it too. (So did Other Spock, but Jim doesn't want to think about the reason why the older Vulcan knows exactly what somebody recovering from dying would dream about.) Today he and Dr. Suarez tried to talk about what happened, but it's just - he's not ready to talk about dying yet. He's not sure he ever will be, especially to somebody who doesn't know what it's like.

As Jim has learned over the years, when he can't talk about stuff his subconscious decides to take over his dreams, and make him deal with the problem that way. That was kind of pleasant when he and Spock were dancing around their feelings for each other and he had no idea that the bond (that he was completely unaware of) was causing the two of them to have joint sex dreams. He would pretty much give anything to have another Rocky Horror porno show dream, complete with Spock in fishnets and eyeliner. Dream sex was so much better than dream dying.

However, tonight he is not reliving dying in his warp core, he is watching Spock die again. It's not the same dream as before, because it's his warp core, and it's his Spock on the other side of the glass that he can't get to. Also the fact that the dream is from his perspective and not Spock's is a big departure from last time.

Instead of Scotty standing in the back like he did when Jim actually was dying, it's his mom. She's drinking gin straight out of the bottle as she keeps muttering various iterations of 'I told you so', as tears fall down her cheeks. She also curses George a lot.

Chris is there too. He's covered in blood and there's a hole in his chest. He keeps saying over and over again that this was all Jim's fault because he wasn't ready to be a captain because he was still a self-absorbed fuck up. Alexander Marcus is also there laughing at him from the sidelines, complete with broken neck. In his mind he hears Carol's screams. The fact that he's watching his husband die just makes everything more painful.

He wakes up just as Spock takes his last breath, panting, but thankfully not screaming. Spock is wrapped around him, wearing one of Jim's vintage T-shirts. This one says, "I love my country, it's the government I'm afraid of.*" All things considered, Jim wonders if that was a conscious choice and not just because it was one of the few T-shirts that Jim owned that was long sleeved. The fact that he was wearing his old Academy sweatpants just added to the irony of it.

Jim is dressed in another old T-shirt and a pair of very comfy shorts because Dr. Suarez felt civilian clothes would be more conducive to his recovery. Jim thinks she's trying to purposely make sure this doesn't remind him of what happened after Frank almost killed him. Although he's not going to complain, because she got him a comfortable bed big enough for Spock to sleep next to him without the two being completely on top of each other. Besides, after dying in the warp core, his last near-death experience doesn't seem that scary anymore.

If he didn't feel Spock's breath on his neck, he would be checking for a pulse right now. Despite all the other surreal elements of his dream, he needed to reassure himself that Spock was alive and well and currently wrapped around him. Jim could feel the touch of the fabric of Spock's clothing against his skin. It was comforting.

He could also feel something that felt like a stylus digging into his back. It wasn't because, first of all, Spock's PADD was safely on the tray next to Jim's side of the bed. Also, this had a sharp point that was currently digging into his back. Finally, he also felt the sharp edges of a book digging into him. That pretty much meant that Spock fell asleep writing in his therapy journal.

From what he could get from the matter-of-fact tones of Dr. Weston, Spock really hasn't been sleeping. Isn't it just annoying that he had to find that out from his husband's doctor instead of his husband (he's not going to address the fact that even though the human wedding was not happening for a while, he keeps referring to Spock as his husband now).

Spock having to write in his journal before going to sleep is never a good sign. The last time this happened was when they broke the news about the engagement to Winona. That was just — the most uncomfortable call of his entire life.

Because Spock has been barely sleeping and will not talk about it, Jim decides to do two things. One, he decides to stay as quiet as possible and not wake up Spock with a blow job. Bones has specifically forbid them from doing any sexual activities that involve "fluid exchange" until they're sure that his "fluid" is radiation free. They wouldn't even let Spock "help" Jim produce a semen sample.

The second thing he was going to do was read the therapy journal currently digging into his back. Besides, having the pen and journal sandwiched between them cannot be comfortable. Reading usually puts him to sleep, anyway. Maybe if he can reassure himself that Spock is not as screwed up on the inside as Jim fears, he can fall back to sleep.

He goes to the end of the book, because maybe a part of him as too afraid to read the entries right after - everything. Instead, he starts with the entry written after he woke up.

* * *

_Dear James:_

_I write this as you undergo more tests with Dr. McCoy and Dr. Weston. Normally, I dislike when you are undergoing such examinations, but I am tolerable with such things because this means that you are back with me and well._

_I was uncertain you were going to wake up after being unconscious for nine days. I did not believe a mind meld would bring you out of this state. However, Dr. Weston suggested it because physically your body was back to normal parameters. She believed that I needed to help bring you back to your body and that it was our bond that kept you with us, even when your body was badly damaged by the radiation. Apparently her hypothesis was correct._

_I did not realize how much I truly missed you until I was in your mind once more. If it were not for Dr. McCoy you would_

* * *

Jim doesn't know what he finds more disturbing; the fact that there are indentations on the paper that look an awful lot like tear stains or the fact that Spock actually scribbled out words. Both are not very Spock like things, which has Jim a little worried. Spock doesn't cry; the guy didn't even cry when Amanda died. Except there's a little voice in Jim's mind that reminded him that Spock did cry for him. Jim never wants to see those tears again.

He runs a finger over the indentations before he continues reading. Spock's words now take on a more composed tone.

* * *

_Although we explained how we were able to revive you, we did not tell you it was Dr. McCoy's idea to use the antibody found in John Harrison's blood to treat you for radiation poisoning. Although the Doctor still believes that I harbor romantic feelings for his girlfriend, even when such things are unfounded, I am extremely thankful to him for bringing you back to me. I am not certain I can function adequately without you. You are a part of me now._

* * *

He reads between the lines, realizing those last few words were the Spock version of 'I love you and I can't live without you.' Jim smiles to himself as he resists the urge to kiss him on the lips, even if he's on the verge of crying himself.

Instead, he reads the next entry, most likely written right before Spock fell asleep. (after mentally reminding himself to buy Bones the biggest bottle of bourbon available as a 'thank you for making me not dead/I'm sorry for being a complete asshole to you before I died' present.)

* * *

_Dear James:_

_I assumed that now that you are back with me, it would be easier for me to fall asleep, and yet I fear I will lose you the moment I close my eyes. I am uncertain if the sleep aids and antidepressants provided by Dr. Suarez will be successful._

_I keep feeling for your pulse to reassure myself that you are with me. I keep checking to see that you are breathing. I have to constantly remind myself that you are just sleeping, not unconscious or dead._

_I blame myself for your death. I know you do not, but that is only a slight consolation because everyone else does, including myself. There are so many things I could have done differently. I keep dreaming about all the ways I could have saved you. I did this when my mother died; the only difference is I never actually saw her take her last breath. I could not save her and I could not save you._

* * *

Jim wanted to cry. Actually, he was pretty sure he was. He knew that during those first few weeks after Amanda died, Spock constantly dreamed of saving her. He didn't think that Spock would be doing the same for him. He didn't think - that Spock would turn into his mother.

Jim knew that she did the same. When he was little and she was wasted, she would tell him about all the little things she could have done differently to keep George alive. Jim's favorite was "I should've made him take that damn planet-side assignment on Vulcan". Later, before Kevin somehow managed to talk her into a stint at rehab that was relatively successful, she would do the same thing with Sam. This time she had drunken rants about how she wished she had "killed the asshole sooner," or that Sam never went with her to Tarsus. Jim didn't want Spock to do the same for him.

Although, if they talk about this right now, Jim is not sure that Spock will listen. Okay, Jim is sure that the entire thing will deteriorate into a repeat of what happened in Chris's office before — okay, he does not want a repeat performance of what happened in Chris's office. That was just bad. That fight was another one of the things that they have not been talking about, but after dying that argument seems so pointless now.

However, they needed to talk about this and the best way to do that was to put it in writing. He found himself grabbing the pen before he knew it to physically write his response to Spock.

* * *

_Dear Spock:_

_Okay, it's a little weird to be writing this in hard copy to you instead of as an email, but I'm currently locked out of my account until Nyota's father is done with his farce of an investigation._

_I couldn't sleep because your therapy journal was jabbing me in the back and therefore I had no choice but to read. Okay, I could not sleep because I woke up from a nightmare of watching you die in my place in our warp core as a dying Pike is standing behind us telling me all the things I did that led us to this place. Yes, my subconscious is very fucked up. However, you already knew this._

_I miss our joint sex dreams. Those were good dreams where the only pain we felt involved whips and chains, but the fun kind. I really do miss our shared Rocky Horror Picture Show sex dreams. Hey, as a get well present would you be willing to dress up in fishnet stockings and a corset? What are your opinions on eyeliner? You have sexy eyes._

_Okay, so maybe I'm flirting with you on paper to avoid talking about anything related to what I did that led to me almost - that led to me giving you a reason to get me a very hot 'thank god you are still alive' present._

_Let's be honest, we are not going to tell each other how we really feel. You and I suck at emotional honesty when it comes to face-to-face communication. Okay, we suck at it period. I mean, you pretended to still be dating someone else because you were too afraid to admit that you wanted to suck me off against the nearest wall._

_We're both going to say we're fine when we're completely fucked up on the inside. Considering I died and you almost killed somebody with your bare hands, I think it's okay for us to be fucked up right now. But we have to work on getting not fucked up._

_Not that I don't enjoy the fact that you are wrapped around me like an octopus, but the fact that you don't want to let go of me is probably not a good sign. I barely got you to leave to go get real food and clothes. If I didn't give you the puppy dog eyes, I don't think you would have left at all. Sometimes I think you're afraid to even go to the bathroom. Are you scared that I'm going to disappear if you leave my room? That's pretty much what you said in your letter. Hey, at least I know why your fingers keep grazing my pulse points. Fortunately for you, I kind of find that sexy. I'm hoping that Bones will find out my sperm is radiation free, so we can have fun sexy times. Although let's be honest, he's not going to tell us that until I'm being discharged. He is absolutely terrified of walking in on you giving me head, after what happened last time._

_I'm going to tell you this in this letter and hope that you actually read it before your next round of self-flagellation, but what I did was not your fault. I repeat, it was not your fault, and don't you dare believe anybody who tells you otherwise. Also, don't tell me you're not doing that because I know you. You're blaming yourself for what happened just like I'm blaming myself for what happened to Chris, but the difference is it wasn't your fault at all and what happened to Chris was completely my fault._

_I am the one who let you deploy a brilliant plan for keeping the volcano planet from blowing up, without coming up with the contingency plan to get you out of there in case the shuttle got extra crispy. I'm the one who violated the prime directive to save you. I'm the one who wasn't fast enough to save Chris. I'm the one who went completely off the deep end and trusted a member of the Admiralty who I knew good and well probably hated me and was just waiting to see me fuck up. If you read my letter that I was drafting before we arrived on Enterprise, you know that I was wary of our orders but I still put us all in danger. I'm the one who almost got everybody killed and my only option to save us was to leave you._

_Don't tell anybody else this, but I didn't die for the crew, I died for you and for Nyota, Bones, Scotty and all of my other friends on board. I died for the people that I love and everyone else was just a beneficiary. I am not selfless because if there was a way to live and just save you guys, I probably would've taken it because I don't want to be without you._

_So don't blame yourself and don't listen to my idiot brother. I am so sending him an angry email and I'm not even going to wait until Nyota's idiot father gives me back PADD privileges. (So I guess I should apologize now for the fact that I'm planning to break into your PADD when I'm done writing this for the sole purpose of sending my idiot brother an angry email for being unnecessarily nasty to my husband.)_

_Nyota's idiot father is another person you should not listen to. First of all, the guy is an asshole. I mean, my mom left me on earth, but at least she had a good reason to take off-planet jobs because we needed the money and she always apologized for it. Also, unlike Nyota's father, I think my mom realized that being in space so much was the wrong thing to do. Of course she didn't realize this until after adopting Kevin, but at least she realized it. Nyota's parents are still completely clueless._

_The other reason why he's being such an asshole to you is because you had sex with his daughter. There's like this intergalactic rule that says you're supposed to be nasty to the people that have sex with your children. You remember that dinner we had with your father when he doused me with truth serum via the dinner rolls and we were not even having physical sex yet. I still argue that the psychic sex we were having during our sex dream phase counts as actual sex, even if I didn't know we were sharing dreams. God, I hope we don't share dreams again anytime soon. I don't want you to see what I'm seeing._

_Just put everything the idiot is saying out of your mind and ignore him. He's trying to act like a father for the first time when he was never much of a father to begin with. Nyota is a big girl and she can handle herself. If she needs help, she will ask for it. Although, any woman who can stab a Klingon probably does not need our help._

_Also, when were you guys going to tell me that Dr. Weston's sister-in-law died because of the evil one crash landing to Earth? I found that out in one of the emails I 'accidentally' read. Actually, when were you guys going to tell me a lot of the things going on? I feel like I'm being lied to by omission if nothing else. I know I've been in a coma for about eight days, but I'm not some weak person who's going to fall apart at the first bit of bad news or stress. I've dealt with a lot worse. Spock, do you have any idea how many times my mom has been in the hospital for this type of thing? It's pretty normal._

_Anyway, I hope we can talk about this stuff tomorrow but I doubt it._

_Love you._

_Always yours, Jim_

XXXXX

After writing the letter to his husband, he still can't sleep, and therefore, he decides to actually write that letter to Kevin that he promised Spock that he would write. Yes, he does actually use Spock's PADD because the Starfleet bastards are idiots. Okay, so Jim may have adjusted the settings of the device so that it will operate for either him or Spock.

Because he's not a complete masochist, he doesn't read the latest situation reports. The messages that he sneaked and read earlier were bad enough. That also resulted in him being yelled at by Dr. Suarez, who would not even let him talk to Kevin. She said that he needed to calm down first. What Jim needed was to tell his idiot brother to not say mean things to his husband and to actually tell him when mom has completely gone crazy. Kevin doesn't know what to do when Winona gets like this, because it was always Jim's responsibility to handle her.

However, he cannot resist reading the latest email from Nyota. Although he was happy that she found his eyes beautiful, Jim did not like her criticism of his choice of wedding colors. Command gold would look great on Spock.

* * *

From: SpockX

To: UhuraNX

Time written: 6/20/2259 02:01:54

Subject: Command gold for everyone

What the hell is wrong with command gold? Spock looks good in command gold, even if he doesn't believe me.

* * *

Of course, he had no idea that she would actually recognize that it was him sending the message and not Spock. Okay, she knew both him and Spock a little too well. No wonder Bones believes something was going on. Since he was nowhere near sleepy, he decided to email her back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was originally planning for this chapter to be longer, but I decided to break it here so we can do a straight email chapter between Jim and Nyota. However, most of it is already written.
> 
>  
> 
> *Yes, that T-shirt actually does exist, although that was a few years ago. I think the Starfleet version would be “I love Starfleet, but it’s the admiralty I’m afraid of”.


	15. You Need a Hug

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. I was hoping to get this chapter out sooner but things have gotten very hectic at work, which means I cannot even work on stories during my lunch hour. Because of that I have fallen behind. However, I’ve had a few snow days to help me catch up.
> 
>  
> 
> A/N: Even though all of these messages say that they’re coming from Spock’s email account, Jim is actually writing them. So don’t be freaked out by the liberal use of curse words or contractions. Spock hasn’t gone off the deep end completely, Jim is just making good use of his almost husband’s PADD. Also, I should warn that these emails are a little bit raunchier than anybody in their right mind would write on the government account, but this is Jim Kirk. If his middle name was not Tiberius, it would be raunchy or workplace inappropriate.

 

xxxxxx

From: SpockX

 

To: UhuraNX

 

Time written: 6/20/2259 02:29:45

 

Subject: I Wouldn’t Call it Hijacking

 

I can't sleep and for some reason I can't even get into my e-mail account from Spock's PADD. I’m sure I’m locked out because my account is probably inundated with a good 9,000 emails sent during my ‘nap time’.

Spock is actually still asleep and from what I understand, it's probably in my best interest not to wake him up with a blowjob or by watching movies. Did Spock sleep at all while I was -- out of it? I’m starting to wonder if Doctor Suarez gave him the good sleeping pills tonight. Catching up on emails seemed to be the best option. Okay, I was going to yell at my brother for being an idiot, but I saw your message first.

 

I wouldn’t need to break into my husband’s PADD again and read his messages if any of you would actually tell me what’s going on. At the very least it probably would've been a really good idea to tell me that my mom was in the psych ward, again. I’m not a little fragile flower. My mom goes off the deep end a lot. I’m used to it.

 

It would’ve been nice to know that you guys were not visiting me because you're busy dealing with mom having an episode and not because you're upset about certain emails that I'm may have sent before going over to the Vengeance. In my defense, I figured that I would either get back safely in time to delete them before you guys would read them or it wouldn’t matter. I wasn’t exactly expecting a third option where I would not get back in time and still survived to hear your angry responses.

 

So why exactly are you up at four in the morning your time? Were you out drinking with my brother? I don't know if Bones will be happy with you hanging around a much younger man.

 

Are you guys back together? I know he's a dick, but he's our dick. Please tell me that you got a good apology present out of him during my unconsciousness.

 

Xxxxxxxxxx

From: UhuraNX

 

To: SpockX

 

Time written: 6/20/2259 02:49:54

 

Subject: Hijacking your husband’s email account is wrong.

 

Okay, apparently both options were true. I’m starting to think she gave you the good drugs as well.

 

Do you know how disconcerting it is to see an email from Spock with the word ‘dick’ in it more than once? That’s not even counting all the contractions. You do know there are rules about sending emails from someone else's account? That sort of thing is considered a major security violation.

 

No, I did not go out drinking with your brother. He's a sweet boy but way too young for me. However, we did play a rousing game of whose family is more fucked up. You know the scary thing is, I think you and he still came out ahead of me when it comes to parents. I mean yes, your mom is crazy but hey, at least she cared enough to go off the deep end after your presumed death.

 

My parents wouldn't do that. They would have stood proudly at the official Starfleet ceremony and said all the right things at the funeral, but they wouldn't have cared about me. They would not have shed a single tear unless there were cameras rolling or if one of their Starfleet "friends" was there. Your mom actually cares about you. She actually gives a fuck if you live or die. I haven't had that since my grandmother passed.

 

Actually, a lot of us care if you live or die. So if you can please avoid doing something idiotic like giving your life up to save all of us that would be nice. I don’t like watching you die. Don’t you dare make me do it again, you fucking ass hole!

 

I don't even know what to give you as the status of my relationship with Leonard and the fact that I'd rather talk about this, than what you did in the warp core. Right now things are vacillating between ‘it's complicated’ and ‘I love him, but I still want to strangle him’. We decided that we should work out our problems via email. I blame you and Spock for setting a bad, or maybe good, example. I have no idea.

 

I’m writing you this ridiculous email at nearly 5 in the morning because I couldn't sleep. I haven't slept a lot in the last couple of days and I’m not going to ask my whatever for sleeping pills. I’m definitely not going to ask Dr. Suarez because I’m trying to avoid therapy right now. Besides, there are others that need her a lot more than me.

 

Did anybody tell you about Carol punching out Admiral KKK at her father’s funeral? Now _she_ really needs Dr. Suarez. She’s currently in the psych ward. If you don't know about this yet, it’s not that we’re trying to keep stuff from you, it’s just that a lot of things went down while you were sleeping and maybe it’s best if you wait until you’re out of the hospital to catch up. Just focus on Spock right now, or maybe trying to get some sleep.

 

I would try myself but I know I will not fall asleep again tonight. I don’t really know why I’m not sleeping. Maybe I just have too much on my mind. Also, the hearings for what is currently being referred to as the Vengeance Incident are not conducive to sleeping. Be glad they’re keeping my father away from you right now. However, thanks to my insomnia, your apartment is completely spotless and I organized your vintage record collection. Seriously, how many copies of _Let’s Get It On_ do you need? Also I found a replacement for your copy of _Purple Rain_ that I destroyed. Sorry.

 

Maybe I am not sleeping, because every time I close my eyes...

 

Don’t worry, we are fucking furious at you for your suicidal goodbye notes. Did you maybe think to tell somebody about your Other Spock-induced premonitions? Maybe if we knew the warp core was going to go down we could have – I don't know, stationed somebody in engineering in a radiation suit to go fix it. That would've been a good idea. Have you ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy? I wonder if that’s what happened this time.

 

You and Spock drive me fucking crazy. Why am I friends with both of you? Honestly, I'm just happy you're back so I can yell at you.

 

XXXXXXXXXx

 

From: SpockX

 

To: UhuraNX

 

Time written: 6/20/2259 03:07:54

 

Subject: When have I ever followed the rules?

 

Please, you have had sex with Spock. You know that he curses all the time. Okay, Spock curses all the time during sex and only sex, but it still counts. He’s very partial to the word 'dick'. Okay, he usually uses that word when he wants me to suck his dick, but he still uses the word.

 

You know my stance about rules. I only follow the ones that are not stupid and that won't result in somebody dying. Besides, weren’t you the one who hacked into Spock’s email account so you could read my private messages to him? Do you have any idea how many rules you broke with your voyeurism? Be glad I went with creative punishment. No, I’m not going to tell you what I did. Anybody else would have been off the ship for something like that and you know it.

 

I set up both my PADD and Spock's PADD to respond to both of our biometrics and we can easily enter each other’s accounts. It's just easier if we can both work off of each other’s things. It's more productive that way. You know I hate getting up and looking for my stuff when I’m in the arms of a nice warm Spock (yes, I know he’s technically cooler than me, but don’t correct me).

 

I would send you an email from my account but I'm locked out. So you’re just going to have to put up with my sleep deprived ramblings coming from Spock’s email address.

 

PS: Do I even want to know why you’re buying me a very expensive replacement copy of Purple Rain?

xx

From: UhuraNX

 

To: SpockX

 

Time written: 6/20/2259 03:25:01

 

Subject: It Still Disconcerting.

 

Let me just say it’s refreshing to be around someone who doesn’t see me sleeping with Spock in the past as a bad thing. You’re not jealous of my previous physical relationship with Spock. Leonard, on the other hand, is very jealous. Which is something you guys need to talk about, badly, because I’m starting to realize that jealousy is coming from a very strange place.

 

Also, I’m pretty sure I know what your punishment was for reading the therapy letters. I’m not sure if it’s making things more or less complicated with Leonard. Then again, I’m not sure if it’s possible to make things any more complicated.

 

Don’t you have a separate email account just for sending dirty emails to Spock? I bet your username is something extremely inappropriate like I-like-to-ride-Jimmy or loves-to-cum -Kirk. If your insomnia is that bad, can’t you send me an email from those accounts? Starfleet is going to be watching us like crazy and I’m sure somebody from IT is probably reading these messages shaking their heads. Okay, they're probably laughing their asses off at you.

 

Your honey bear is not going to be happy when half of Starfleet IT finds out that he likes to curse during intercourse. Yes, I know he curses like crazy during sex. It was kind of the only time he showed any emotions when we were together. He was just so broken after Amanda died. The only time I think he was ever really with me was when we were – you know. I think that’s like the only reason why I slept with him, otherwise you would’ve been getting him virgin new.

 

I’m glad you’re awake, because it felt like Spock was getting back into that place again. I hate depressed Spock. You’re the only one who can bring him out of it. I tried and I just couldn’t.

 

PS: Thanks to you I really really hate the song _I will die for you_. I may have taken it out on the poor unsuspecting 300 year old record when cleaning.

 

From: SpockX

 

To: UhuraNX

 

Time written: 6/20/2259 03:39:23

 

Subject: I'd Like to See Starfleet Try to Access These Emails.

 

Why would I be upset that you slept with Spock first? You’re the one who taught him how to do the thing with the tongue. He’s like a god at giving head and you’re the one who taught him that. I’m not jealous of you. I want to send you chocolate.

 

All joking aside, I know that if anything happens, again, you’ll be there for Spock. I know that you love him and will protect him if I can’t be here. Also, Spock knows I would be perfectly cool if you guys have sex as long as I was watching.

 

I don’t even try to send Spock dirty emails from other accounts, because it will just end up in his spam folder. Also, there’s no way he’s going to open any message from Spock_fucker_59 when on the bridge. It’s not fun if I can’t make him blush on the bridge. Not that I’ve ever gotten him to blush in public, but I keep trying. I mean, I gave him a blow job during a video conference with the admiralty and the only person who had any clue what I was doing was

 

You know, with my paranoia, I have made it very hard for Starfleet to read my emails. I'd like to see them try to read my messages. And don’t say anything about the fact that you and Spock were able to read my private emails. You and Spock are different, because Spock is my almost husband and you are his best friend. It’s part of your job description to watch his back. If I didn’t want you to read those messages, you wouldn’t have been able to.

 

I kind of figured out that Spock is not exactly in a happy place right now, but considering this mess happened near the one year anniversary of losing Amanda, I am really not that surprised. I know he hasn’t been sleeping. I read his therapy journal before breaking into his email. He’s sleeping now, which is a good thing, even if he is treating me like his personal teddy bear. I am going to have to say thank you to Dr. Suarez for hooking me up with the giant plus size bed. It's just big enough for the two of us to fit with just a bit of cuddling. You know Spock is a secret cuddler. Okay, he's holding on to me for dear life right now and I am a little surprised that I can move my arms enough to type this message (I can’t dictate because that would wake up sleepyhead). I am expecting bruising.

 

I don’t even know what to say about my mom, which is probably why I put it off for another email. I don’t think I’m on enough drugs to really talk about this. I don't know about my mom actually loving me. I don’t really believe you when you say she had a hard time with what happened.

 

I believe that you, Spock, and the rest of the crew were upset by what I did.

 

I’m not even going to repeat some of the things that Nhi said because she has a tendency to curse a lot when she is mad as hell. Since she can’t take her anger out on the Idiots That Be, she’s going to use me instead. I’m the reason her husband is dead, so she has every right to be angry with me. I don’t even know how she can look at me right now.

 

With Winona, I don’t think she ever cared. I always felt that she cared more about Sam and Kevin. I always felt like she saw me as a reminder of dad’s sacrifice and not as myself. Growing up, she always spent so much more time with Sam than me. He even went with her to – the planet that we do not speak of.

XXXXXX

From: UhuraNX

 

To: SpockX

 

Time written: 6/20/2259 03:48:14

 

Subject: You’re Not Making Spock Blush, But You’re Doing a Good Job With Me.

 

I really hope my overly jealous whatever does not see this email. I would like to take credit for Spock’s oral skills, but he’s just naturally talented. I didn’t even realize it was his first time.

 

First things first, you are not responsible for Christopher Pike’s death. Actually, did anybody tell you why Doctor Suarez came back all the way from New Vulcan to function as Enterprise’s psychologist? When you find out what really went down you’re going to want to rip somebody’s head off.

 

Jim, your mother does love you. You didn’t see what I saw. It was like she was broken. You can’t hurt somebody like that unless they really love you. I’m not telling you this to make you feel guilty, but to make you realize that people care about you. We love you. You matter to us.

 

From: SpockX

 

To: UhuraNX

 

Time written: 6/20/2259 04:04:31

 

Subject: I Still Don’t Believe You

 

I found some interesting things about Mr. Stacy in Spock’s email, but that’s about it. Really, you guys are not telling me any of the good stuff. Until Starfleet finally realizes how incompetent I am, I’m still Captain and should know this stuff.

 

Okay, I understand why you would see her more favorably than your mom and dad. Unlike your parents, mom actually figured out that it was more important to take care of her own children then to reach the higher levels of Starfleet, but that wasn't until she buried Sam and took Kevin in. She left for Kevin, not me. I don't think she would've ever chosen me over the stars. She always loved Starfleet more. I don’t think I ever mattered, not to her.

 

I'm sorry that Kevin is dealing with this at all, although I'm still pissed off at him for what he said to my husband. He had no right, none at all. I get where Kevin is coming from. Spock finally made me read the Tarsus file a few months ago and what mom and Kevin had to go through was horrific. I won’t tell you specifics, but I now understand why Kevin doesn't want any more dead family. Yet, that is still no excuse for how he spoke to Spock.

 

Spock is in that dark place again, where he is blaming himself for everything, and he did not need anyone else to feed into his self-flagellation. It’s not like he needs help. He feels guilty for things he shouldn't feel guilty for.

 

I'm also sorry that Kevin is having to deal with mom, but it's more my fault then Spock's fault, so I don’t know why he’s taking his anger out on Spock. Personally, I think her breakdown was caused by my re-creating dad’s sacrifice and not her actual feelings for me. That was something I did and I’m the one who should deal with the consequences. Not Kevin and not Spock.

 

Unlike Kevin, I'm used to dealing with crazy Winona and I have plans in place. I could do everything from here with one video call to my lawyer Shawn. I put some measures in place in case something like this happened when we were in deep space. I had to do something, I’m the older brother. I'm the one who's responsible for when my mom goes psycho. I'm surprised this hasn't happened sooner, honestly.

 

Okay, let's not talk about my screwed up family anymore because I would like to go to sleep again sometime tonight or this morning without begging Bones for happy sleeping pills. (They are really doing a number on Spock. He’s still out for the count.)

 

Let’s talk about you and Bones and why things are complicated and he would completely freaked out if he read the letter before. By the way, you’re not the only one who’s having a complicated relationship with him. He is not talking to me and I really would like to know why. Actually he’s avoiding me. Did he take the threesome joke offer a little too seriously? I mean he knows that I was joking, right, because he was being a dick. Without Spock around, I think we have spoken for a grand total of maybe 10 minutes. The last time he made up some excuse to leave the room as quickly as possible.

 

I realize I probably should've apologized for some of the more stupid things that I said after the volcano incident, but it would be so much easier if he was around. Although, I said so many stupid things after the volcano incident, he’s going to have to get in line. I think I'm going to be apologizing to Spock for the rest of eternity for what I said. I was such a bastard that I don’t even know why Spock still wants to marry me the human way.

 

Since I can’t figure out why things are complicated with Bones, why are things complicated between the two of you? How are things complicated? Are things complicated in a 'we are still fighting all the time, but we had hate sex in his office' way or is it complicated because you're not sure that you really have feelings for each other but you're going to be working around each other for a very long time? I just want to know how much bourbon I need to buy.

 

Also, when they finally decide to give Spock Enterprise, you know that he's going to want you guys on board, therefore, I would really like for you guys to work things out. I would be a very overworked first officer if I had to deal with Spock completely by myself. It would drive me crazy after a while. I need you guys to at least be on speaking terms even if everything else has fallen apart.

 

PS: I think I understand why you broke that record and thankfully it was a reproduction. However, it was a reproduction that Spock special ordered for me for our three-month anniversary, so we are never telling him about this.

xxxxxx

From: UhuraNX

 

To: SpockX

 

Time written: 6/20/2259 04:17:54

 

Subject: Repeat After Me: I am Not Responsible for the Stupidity of Others

 

Wait, how do you know I had office sex with Leonard a couple of days ago? Did you throw that in so I wouldn’t make any comments about your self-flagellation problem? It did not work.

I don’t know how many times I have to keep repeating this, what happened was **_not _** your fault. You are not responsible for everything that went wrong. Stop blaming yourself. Blame K or Doctor Stacy or the megalomaniac that Spock almost strangled with his bare hands. Don’t blame yourself. You are not responsible for Winona being sick. You’re not responsible for Chris’s death. You’re not responsible for the stupidity of others. Actually, I think you should repeat that. Say it out loud:

 

 _I am not responsible for the stupidity of others_.

 

Keeps saying that over and over again until you actually believe it because you’re not responsible.

 

You’re a good Captain. Stop believing whatever stupid shit other people are saying, because it’s wrong. You were just talking about how Spock is guilty for things he shouldn’t be but you’re doing the same damn thing. Sometimes I think you really are a perfect match. You both drive me fucking crazy.

 

PS: Considering you're writing this message from his account, he’s going to know.

 

XXXX

From: SpockX

 

To: UhuraNX

 

Time written: 6/20/2259 04:32:54

 

Subject: Welcome to the Office Sex Club

 

Wait, you actually had sex with Bones on his desk???!? I was joking, but I shouldn’t be surprised. One of the nurses was complaining about walking in on one of the doctors having dirty – sex in his office.

 

I’m not being overly critical. It really was my fault. I am responsible for my own stupidity. Listening to Admiral Marcus was definitely stupid.

I’m the captain. If things go wrong I’m the one who has to fix everything and I couldn’t do it. Everything went to hell and it was all my fault, and I just… I don’t want to be Captain anymore. I’m tired of being responsible for everything. I’m tired of all my decisions being put under a microscope. I should have never been named Captain, not yet anyway. I’m not ready for it.

 

Let’s be honest, naming a 25-year-old captain of Starfleet’s flagship was a publicity stunt. I have no business whatsoever being in charge. Look what happened. I mean, there’s a giant crash ship in the middle of San Francisco and Dr. Weston lost her sister-in-law. That’s my fault. A little kid is going to grow up without a mom because of me. I’m the one who led us into Marcus’s trap. It was all my fault.

xxxx

From: UhuraNX

 

To: SpockX

 

Time written: 6/20/2259 04:45:54

 

Subject: You Need a Hug.

 

Great, even the nurses are gossiping about me. I bet it was that really nasty nurse who gives me dirty looks. He’s such an annoying idiot. He wouldn’t even put my call through to you last night.

 

I’m not going to tell you to stop being so hard on yourself again because I don’t think you believe me. Just, for now, leave it in the admiralty’s hands. Not all of them hate you or think that you received Enterprise in the first place as a publicity stunt. Admiral Chan seems like a very good woman and she’s not the type of person who is going to put somebody in charge of the Federation flagship if they don’t belong there. She may surprise you. I think I’m going to give up on trying to go back to sleep and have some breakfast. Try to get a couple of hours yourself. Maybe, if I’m lucky, I’ll see you tonight.

 

xxxxxx

From: SpockX

 

To: UhuraNX

 

Time written: 6/20/2259 04:59:54

 

Subject: I doubt I will fall back to sleep but I will try.

 

I think the only thing that will induce sleep right now is an orgasm and Spock is still unconscious.

 

You have to try Richards Café. They have this blueberry French toast that is unbelievably decadent made with bread from the bakery next-door. Can you please bring me back a hazelnut cupcake from Sarah’s bakery? Actually, can you bring me back some of the French toast and maybe a sample pack?

 

PS: if you really want to get back to San Francisco by tonight call Shawn. The number is in Kevin’s address book under ‘call in case of mom going headfirst off the wagon.’

 

Xxxxx

From: UhuraNX

 

To: SpockX

 

Time written: 6/20/2259 11:47:54

 

Subject: Is There anybody in This Town that Doesn’t Want to Feed You?

Okay, the French toast really was that good. Sarah is sending you boxes of goodies. I’m coming back with so many cupcakes and cookies that it’s ridiculous. I’m going to need an entire suitcase for your get well presents. Everybody likes you.

 

I know you were trying to protect your little brother from all the bad things in the world, but it would have been nice if he knew that you and Winona had planned for when she went too crazy. Things are stable enough that we should be on the shuttle tonight or rather early tomorrow morning. I’ll be at the hospital first thing.

 

xxxxx

From: SpockX

 

To: UhuraNX;Spock_fucker_59

 

Time written: 6/20/2259 12:02:54

Subject: Re: Is there anybody in this town doesn’t want to feed you?

 

Please do not engage in inappropriate conversations with my bond mate via my account. James, please do not send inappropriate emails from my account to Nyota. Also, in light of recent events, I agree that Starfleet colors would be inappropriate for the wedding.

 

 


	16. Chapter 8: Why Do I Have to Get a New Therapist Named After One of My Favorite Drinks?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternative titles: Real Men/Vulcan’s Cry  
> We Are All Emotionally Compromised

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read or reviewed the last chapter. Remember your reviews keep me writing and getting up at obscenely early times of the day to work on these stories before work.

Jim was not having a good day. First of all, he didn’t fall back to sleep until around 5 AM. That wouldn’t have been so bad if it wasn’t for the fact that Evil Nurse Number Three decided to wake him up less than an hour later for vital scans because the guy is a dick. Seriously, could the idiot not wait two hours to get a blood sample? Jim was under the impression that sleep was very important for people recovering from almost dying. He would ask Bones about it, but that would mean the doctor would have to stay in the room for more than five seconds.

 

Honestly, the only good thing about this morning was Spock snuggling. Hospital food tastes worse than the ship food. Okay, it’s even worse than the ration bars. Jim had no idea how such a thing was even possible. He blames Bones for the food that tastes like cardboard. Okay, so they can’t give him any salt, but garlic and pepper are still options.

 

Honestly, he blames Bones for a lot of things including nurses that wake him up after he miraculously falls back asleep. After his conversation with Nyota last night, or rather this morning, he was really starting to pick up on Bones’ uneasiness with both him and Spock and the fact that his doctor is avoiding him. Normally Bones is the one in his room all the time checking on him, not one of the nurses. Jim always knew that there was some discomfort between his friend and his boyfriend, but he didn’t think it was this bad. They barely talk to each other and usually it’s in monosyllables. When Spock sticks to monosyllabic words, it’s never good.

 

It could be worse now because of the Leonard/Nyota situation. Spock and Nyota are best friends forever and they’re always going to have each other’s backs and, unfortunately, the rumor mill has a more literal interpretation of that. This doesn’t bother Jim, because this is the same rumor mill that said he was having sex with “kitty cat twins” when he received the “you fucked up” call from Ch--Starfleet. However, Jim knows that Bones was screwed over by she-who-will-not-be-named and maybe that makes him more likely to believe the rumor mill. Spock is not going to be happy that Bones did not trust Nyota to be faithful to him, even if he did not accuse her of essentially sleeping with Spock and possibly Jim behind his back directly. That’s understandable because it hurt Jim that his best friend believes all the rumors about his sexual promiscuity.

 

Now he’s starting to wonder if there is another reason why Bones has been so distant and angry these last couple of days. Bones really is avoiding him. He tried to talk to the guy when he made his morning rounds, but he left for his next patient the moment he was done. Bones rarely does this. At the very least, he usually lectures Jim about being a bad patient before he leaves. Even Evil Nurse Number Three thought this was odd, because when he was in the coma, Bones spent most of his time on duty by Jim’s bedside.

Now, he was making excuses to stay away. (According to Evil Nurse Number Three and Dr. Suarez, the majority of Bones’ patients have been discharged and he’s been taking on other doctors’ patients. Jim had no idea why. Maybe if he wasn’t hospital bound, he would chase after Bones and confront the guy. Right now he doesn’t have the energy.

 

Honestly, the only thing Jim wanted to do was lie in Spock’s arms for the rest of the day and maybe get in a nap or two. A nap would be really nice. But he doubted anything like that was going to happen, especially after Admiral Pike (and yes, it’s really weird to call somebody that who is not Chris) stopped by to drag Spock into headquarters for debriefing.

 

Now that Spock was discharged from the hospital, they couldn’t keep him away from the inquisitive admirals any longer. Okay, inquisitive is one of the nicer things Jim can say about the Idiots That Be. Ass hole is more accurate for that group of individuals. However, she did promise that Nyota’s father would not be anywhere near the interviews, so that’s one thing in Spock’s favor.

 

Because Spock was dealing with idiotic members of the admiralty and being asked really uncomfortable questions about what happened, Jim had no excuse to get out of his Starfleet mandated therapy. Really, he would think extra sleep would be a good excuse, but Dr. Suarez said he could take a nap after therapy. Really, it was his own fault for telling her about not being able to sleep the night before.

 

He has always had a love-hate relationship with therapy. He absolutely adored Dr. Suarez and her wife. Both women understood him in ways that few people ever could. They could easily see past his façade to see what was really going on in his extremely screwed up little head. Unlike everyone else, they never did believe the “I walked into a door” excuse or that he was the ship (school) slut. They never bought into his bravado. They always got that there was a truly scared person underneath the swagger and smirk. The problem is that so many easily buy into this mask that he wears (see earlier comments about the rumor mill and the kitty cat twins).

 

Also, he just absolutely hated talking about his feelings (which is why a male Vulcan is his ideal mate). Let’s be honest, if he and Spock did not read each other’s private therapy journals and special emails, they wouldn’t know anything personal about each other. However, after knowing the woman for 16-going-on-17 years, Jim just may be able to talk about what dying was like. She already knew that he was vulnerable deep inside, and she wouldn’t find him weak for being so scared in those last few moments. She would understand. She lost a wife, she would get it.

 

The problem was Dr. Suarez was not allowed to be his therapist. If he wanted to talk to her as a friend when she stopped by to visit, that was one thing, but they could no longer have a doctor-patient relationship.

 

“When I got the email that I was being reassigned to the Vulcan colony, I thought it was absolute bullshit, just like you did. I knew I could deliver an impartial assessment of your work relationship with Spock,” she started to explain as he ate the blackberry yogurt that she had snuck in for him.

 

“Actually, you had a better chance of delivering an impartial assessment of our relationship, compared to Stacy Cruz anyway,” Jim interrupted.

 

“Stacy Cruz is an outlier in this situation and an example of how your personal feelings can influence your work. Nobody knew that he developed a bias against Vulcans due to his fiancée’s death. He was also personal friends with Admiral Marcus and served as _John Harrison’s_ psychologist in London.”

 

“Which would’ve warped anybody’s mind,” Jim snorted.

 

“All those things made him a bad doctor for Enterprise, just like our close personal relationship will make me a bad doctor for you. I’m not going to be as likely to call you out when you’re doing something stupid.”

 

“I’m going to call bull shit on that. I think that means you’re more likely to call me out when I’m doing something stupid.” The doctor just sighed at that point.

 

“What I’m trying to say is, I thought I could still be impartial and see you as any other patient. Then I got the call from Ambassador Spock about you being near death and I broke a cup and then I punched a hole in the wall,” she explained.

He hates people telling him about how they reacted to his death. The conversation with Number One was bad and this morning with Scotty was worse. Like he said earlier, he’s really bad with feelings, even other people’s.

 

“So this is why you’re cutting me loose?” Jim asked defensively, crossing his arms against his chest. This felt like a break up, not that he’s had that many.

 

“I’m not cutting you lose. I’m just saying that I can’t be your doctor, but we can be friends.” Oh God, this really is a break up.

 

“What about Spock?” Jim asked, because he’s more worried about his husband/boyfriend/whatever. Spock has a lot more issues than he does.

 

“I have not known him since he was a preteen, so it’s a little bit easier to stay impartial. I mean, there’s a little conflict because of your personal relationship, but it’s Starfleet and everybody knows everyone else on some level. Also, do you know how few doctors there are that can deal with depressed Vulcans?” she asked in all seriousness.

 

“Very few and not one of those people was Stacy Cruz, apparently,” Jim scoffed.

 

“I can’t say enough how sorry I am for my role in Stacy Cruz ending up on Enterprise. I had no idea that Stacy strayed so far away from who he was when he was in my wife’s class years ago. But he’s a prime example of why doctors cannot let their personal feelings influence their job. It can cost lives, literally.”

 

“I promise I am not out to get you.” That’s when Dr. Margarita Cruz walked into the room.

 

Maybe Jim would have been a little more receptive to his new doctor if her last name was not Cruz. He also may have said a few things to Dr. Suarez that were extremely unprofessional, including a crack about the doctor’s alcohol beverage first name and how all people with the last name Cruz were evil.

 

Okay, so maybe Jim should not hold her last name against her. Until a few months ago, her last name was West, but she decided to take her husband’s last name when they got married. It wasn’t like she or her husband were related to the guy currently sitting in a Starfleet holding cell on conspiracy charges.

 

It’s just that Jim has never really been rational when it comes to trusting people. He can probably count on one hand the people he’s willing to share his deepest secrets with. He’s just not ready to add another name to that list of people, especially one who has the same last name as a guy who apparently screwed them all over. Regardless of anything else Stacy Cruz did to him personally, just the fact that he did not flag _John Harrison’s_ sociopathic tendencies was enough for Jim to hate the guy. If people knew who Marcus brought into Starfleet earlier on, maybe Dr. Weston wouldn’t be spending the morning making funeral arrangements for her sister-in-law and she would be able to serve as Jim’s new therapist. (Okay, he’s not sure that he can be completely honest with the Vulcan considering that he holds himself responsible for said sister-in-law’s death, but at least she can look into his mind and he won’t have to tell her anything.)

 

To be honest, the only productive thing that came out of that session was that they both agreed that if she was to become the new regular Enterprise psychologist, it would be best if she went by her maiden name and her engineering husband used her last name professionally. Okay, they may have spent most of the time talking about how it may be a really good idea for Enterprise to have another senior level engineer on board.

 

So he may have told her some of the things he talked about with Scotty that morning, about what they could have done differently to prevent the ‘warp core incident’. It’s always easier to see stuff in hindsight. It was also easier to talk to her about engineering-related things. She was married to an engineer. So she at least understood the technical stuff about what happened. But he just couldn’t talk to her about what it felt like to be alone dying in the warp core as he watched his husband fall apart. He’s really not going to mention the way everybody has been treating him with kid gloves or how his closest friend cannot even look him in the eye. Honestly, she could’ve brought him a pitcher of her namesake and Jim still would not have told her anything of consequence.

 

Now, he was sitting in his hospital room doing therapy homework. Really, he thought the only good thing about losing Dr. Suarez in a professional capacity was that he would no longer have to do therapy homework. Jim hated therapy homework. But apparently Dr. Margarita was one of the doctor’s old students and decided to employ the method, or maybe Dr. Suarez told her this was one of the few ways that you could get Jim to work things out. Do therapists actually compare notes? He hoped not. Dr. Suarez knows way too many things about him of an embarrassing nature, like his itty-bitty phobia of penetrative sex and why he has that phobia in the first place.

 

He was supposed to write a letter to Chris and his mom. Writing to his mom was nothing new. He could write her letter in his sleep, maybe. Somewhere there is a box filled with hundreds of letters to Winona that no one has ever seen, not even Spock or Chris. Someday maybe he’ll show the letters to Spock, or at least the one he has to write tonight, but Chris’s never going to see…

 

Jim never thought that he would be writing one of these posthumous letters to Chris. He was supposed to be the one thing in Jim’s life that is constant. He was supposed to perform the ceremony when he actually married Spock. He wasn’t supposed to be dead. Jim was never supposed to write him one of these letters.

 

Jim also has an entire box of letters written to his father, or rather George. Several start with the words ‘why the hell did you leave me’ or ‘why didn’t you love me enough to live’. Now that he understands or at least has an answer to that question, he has a new deceased father figure to write to.

 

Actually, it was worse because he never knew George Kirk. George Kirk was merely an abstract concept to him. To Jim, George Kirk was a myth and an action figure. He was never something tangible. George Kirk never picked him up from jail after a bar fight or rescued him from Gary Fucking Mitchell after the guy tried to... George Kirk never listened to him talking about his Spock problems. George Kirk never saw the potential in a perennial fuck up. George Kirk never went to bat against the admiralty for him.

 

The only thing they have in common is that both died trying to protect Jim. George died protecting Jim from Nero and Chris died protecting Jim from Alexander Marcus. Chris was his real father and he betrayed him by falling for Alexander Marcus’s trap.

 

How do you articulate that in so few words? How do you articulate that at all? He feels like he’s choking under the guilt and pain of everything. The therapy journal that Dr. Margarita gave him (because there’s no way in hell he’s calling her Doctor Cruz) was mostly now reduced to balled up pages in the recycling bin, all failed attempts to write to Chris. At most, there may be five sheets left in the journal that was new only about two hours ago. Most of the letters started with a variation of “I’m sorry”, or “I’m an absolute fuck up”. Actually, several letters started with “I’m sorry I am such an absolute fuck up” followed by “I’m sorry that my arrogant façade resulted in the admiralty going after me and you died saving my ass”. Lots of his failed attempts contain smudges that look like tear marks.

 

After 65, yes 65, failed attempts to write a therapy letter to Chris, he gives up. He’s just not ready. He doesn’t know if he will ever be ready to write this letter to Chris. Maybe somewhere in Jim’s mind, writing this letter means accepting that Chris is dead and he is just -- not ready to accept that yet.

 

He doesn’t even try to write the letter to Winona right now because he is just too frustrated and his mind is all over the place. He’s still a little upset that everyone tried to keep Winona’s latest crackup from him. Also at this point, there’s a good chance he has no idea whatsoever how to start this letter. It would probably be better to write it digitally anyway, even if he doesn’t send it to her, but Spock took the only PADD in the room, probably because they don’t want him accessing ops reports.

 

He’s still annoyed that they’re keeping the aftereffects of the Vengeance Incident from him He already feels horrible about what happened. Why should he not know about how much property damage a starship crashing down into San Francisco would actually do? Maybe it would be better for him to actually see the news coverage because it can’t be any worse than what his mind is coming up with. But instead, he’s not even allowed streaming media access from the screen in the room. (Bones, being the bastard that he is, has programmed every computer in the room to alert him if Jim tries to break the parameters that have been set for him.)

 

So basically the only thing he had to do for entertainment was read Spock’s therapy journal. I mean he was kind enough to leave it on the bed with pens stuck inside. Spock knows that he reads his therapy journal, just like Jim knows that Spock is going to be the only one who will actually be reading his therapy homework. (There’s no way Dr. Margarita is ever going to see it. Seriously why did she marry a man with that last name?).

 

Jim quickly turned to where Spock was using the pen as a bookmark to see his husband’s most recent entry. It was obviously written this morning. Although, Jim has no idea when, because they were together most of the time before Spock was dragged out of there for the Debriefing from Hell.

 

* * *

 

_Dear James:_

_I am aware that you woke up during the middle of your rest cycle due to what was most likely a nightmare, and I knew that before reading the words you wrote down to me. You have a tendency to kick when your sleep is disturbed. Although I did fall back to sleep for a brief period, I woke up early due to my own insomnia. The medication that Dr. Weston has me on only works for so long._

_For the last hour, I have been watching you trade messages with somebody, possibly your brother, and watch clips on my PADD until you finally fell back asleep a few moments ago. Now that you are unconscious, I felt it was safe for me to read the note that you wrote for me. (Yes, I was conscious when you wrote this. Again, you move a great deal when you are restless.)_

* * *

 

Jim almost dropped the therapy journal, mad because he was so sure that he was being sneaky last night. He can’t believe Spock was awake for a good portion of his restlessness. He’s such a sneaky Vulcan; he will be paying for it later.

* * *

 

 

_I too miss our joint sex dreams. They are more pleasant than my contemporary dreams. I am thankful that last night for me was dreamless, most likely because of your presence. I would much rather wake up because you are tapping away on your PADD than because of a dream of watching you die again. I am sorry I could not bring you the same type of comfort._

_I have no objection to wearing fishnets or a corset when we are allowed to engage in such activities. I am uncertain when Doctor McCoy will allow us to engage in strenuous sexual activities. He has yet to answer my question regarding this. I actually believe he is avoiding me again. I am certain that this permission will not occur until after you are allowed to leave the medical facilities. Like you, I think this is more likely because Dr. McCoy does not want to interrupt a sexual encounter, than for concern for your well-being._

_I also agree that it’s easier for me to engage in a conversation of an amorous nature via our journal than to discuss many things with you, including the reason why I am amenable to wearing fishnet stockings._

_Per our agreement, I have no issues with you reading my letters to you. It may be best if you read over what I wrote while I was waiting for you to wake up. I’m not sure if I am ready to talk about how I feel regarding your death or even about the possibility that we may still be reassigned away from each other. I am uncertain I will ever be able to talk about what happened. I thought I had lost you and I nearly killed someone because of that. The only thing I wanted was his blood. I did not care. He took you away from me and I just…_

_I could not talk about it yesterday during my early morning session with Dr. Suarez. She said she understands because she is still not able to talk about her wife’s death. This should not be as difficult for me because, unlike the Doctor, you are still with me._

_I know I am going to have to talk about it at some point. Now that I have been discharged I will be brought into Starfleet for debriefing, but even I am uncertain if I can divorce myself enough from my emotions to talk about your death. Maybe you are right; sometimes I do not believe that you are still alive. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I see you dying in the warp core. I see you take your last breath as your hand pulls away from the glass. I remember your last words to me. As much as I try, I have been unable to compartmentalize that pain._

Xxxx

Trust his husband to make him cry. He was already in an emotional state from trying to write to Chris. But, Spock has him crying all over his therapy journal. That was so not good. Jim is not sure what to write. He doesn’t know what to say to make Spock feel better. Eventually, he settles for something short.

XXXXXX

 

_Dear Spock:_

_I’m sure some stupid person along the way told you that it’s not okay for you to cry. I heard the same bull shit from Frank. It’s okay for you to want to cry again or throw things, or anything else. Feel free to yell at me because it’s my fault you’re feeling like this. Just remember I love you and I’m still here. You never have to be Super Vulcan for me._

_Love, your Jim_

_PS: Since you took the only working PADD and Bones has made it so I can’t play with the computers in here, I actually am going to go back and read your other therapeutic entries. If you see tear streaks, just ignore them._

Xxxx

 

After he writes the short message, he does what he says and starts reading the letters that Spock told him to. Of course, he decided to start reading where he left off before instead of skipping ahead to when he was actually unconscious.

xxxxx

_Dear James:_

_I will apologize for my abrupt behavior in Pike’s office, even if I’m not entirely sure what part of my behavior was so offensive, if you will please return home immediately. By this point in our relationship, we are both aware that we both say things that the other finds offensive and we both have a tendency to react inappropriately. After much meditation and cooking a dinner that I know you will most likely not eat, I realize that many hurtful things you said were only because you are fearful of what will happen if we are to serve on separate ships. I am equally worried about such an outcome. I have been worried about this since our meeting with Doctor Cruz. However, I have been unable to discuss or even write about this fear until now._

_After you left, I spoke to the Admiral about other options. I do not want to serve on a ship without you. If this means I must give up my position as first officer, I would be willing to do so. I do not care about my career in Starfleet. I care about you and I am uncertain if I can perform adequately on a ship without you._

_Christopher informed me that that may not be necessary…_

Xxx

 

Apparently his prediction about leaving tear tracks all over Spock’s journal is proven true a lot faster than he would’ve assumed. Jim can’t read anymore after that because he already knows what Spock is going to say. It’s too hard. The man was going to do everything possible to keep him and Spock together. Jim knows this without even reading the words. He can’t bring himself to read Spock’s affirming words that Christopher Pike really did care about him. It just makes everything hurt more.

 

He grabs the pen and decides to write a response. He almost goes back to his earlier note to Spock until he realizes that the page behind the letter is blank or rather, mostly blank. There are a couple of scribbles and some tear tracks but there is enough space for Jim to write what he needs to say.

 

* * *

 

_June 20, 2259_

_Dear Spock:_

_I have no idea if you read the letter I wrote you after our fight when I was crying into my beer, but I’m sorry. You know I’m an ass hole._

_Do you know, I honestly don’t remember what we actually said to each other in Chris’s office anymore? I don’t think it matters now. After everything we’ve gone through in the last 16 days, it doesn’t matter. I feel better knowing that you hated the idea of being away from me as much as I do and you wrote that before I played hero. I have no trouble giving up being Captain for you. I’m not sure I want the job any longer. I’ve seen beyond the curtain and I don’t want to become another Alexander Marcus._

_I couldn’t read about Chris’s plan to keep us together. I’m sure you’ll tell me or maybe you have already told me. That’s probably why we are spending time with the lawyers. Alexis seems nice for a woman who wants to rip Admiral KKK to shreds._

_You don’t want to talk about me dying and I don’t want to talk about Chris dying. I don’t want to even think about the fact that he’s not going to be here to help me, to help us, battle the admiralty, so we can stay together. He was supposed to be at our wedding. With mom as sick as she is, Chris was like my good parent and now I just don’t know._

 

* * *

 

After that, Jim decides to not read anything from the time he was unconscious. He’s not ready to. He thinks about rereading some of his favorite parts of Spock’s journal, usually any time Spock talks about loving him, but Evil Nurse Number Three comes in for a checkup. Jim easily hides his disappointment from this mere stranger. By the time Evil Nnurse Number Three is done running all of his scans, Spock is back from the Debriefing from Hell with take-away and chocolate croissants. His husband loves croissants just a little too much. That’s okay, because he just loves Spock for bringing him food.

 

“How did the debriefing go?” Jim asked Spock as he placed the food on the table.

 

“Dr. McCoy gave me permission to bring you a slice of cheese pizza. I also brought your favorite movie along with your personal PADD,” Spock said as he actually handed Jim his baby. He had missed his personal PADD so much. It has all the fun stuff that you can’t have on the Starfleet one. Also, considering Spock was actually awake when he was emailing Nyota, he knew all about Jim’s late-night conversations with her and probably wanted his own PADD back.

 

“That bad?” Jim asked because he knew Spock well enough to know that a non-answer pretty much means that things were too horrible to even begin talking about. He wonders if Number One convinced the admiralty to let Alexis sit in on Spock’s debriefing.

 

“Yes.” Spock said as he sat on the bed and actually pulled Jim into his arms. Again, that was another sign Spock was having a bad day.

 

“Okay, snuggling time works for me and I may be persuaded to give you a back rub,” Jim said, laying his hand on Spock. He is sure that Spock will write about whatever happened in his journal later anyway.

To be continued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to let everybody know that updates on all my stories may be precarious at best for the next couple of weeks. My mom is having major surgery on April 1 and I’m going back home to take care of her for a little while. I have a few rough drafts of chapters for various stories done, but I am uncertain if I will have time to proofread anytime soon. We will just have to see.


	17. This message has been recalled

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read or reviewed the last chapter. Also thank you for your kind words about my mother. Her surgery went well and she is now home recuperating

 

 

 

From: UhuraNX;

 

To: SpockX

 

Time written: 6/20/2259 13:01:42

 

Subject: Jim, do not read this email.

Jim, do not read this email. This is for your Spock Bear only. Stop reading NOW.

Hey, I tried to tell him that sending slightly inappropriate emails from your Starfleet account was a bad idea. But you know Jim and bad ideas. Actually, it’s more like once Jim gets an idea in his head, he does not let go of it. I mean, despite all the obvious signs that you and I were no longer together, it took him five months to figure that out.

Although in Jim’s defense, he does a lot of stupid stuff. Sending me slightly not-safe-for-work emails from your Starfleet account doesn’t even get in the top 20 for June.

 

Also, I can’t believe he actually has an email account with that name. I thought he was joking. Oh wait, this is Jim.

 

Did they drag you into HQ for debriefing now that you are technically no longer a patient of Starfleet medical? If so, how is it going? Knowing my father as well as I do, I know he will drag you in as soon as he can. He is so annoying.

He tried to call me this morning but I didn’t pick up. I’m just not in the mood to speak with him. He ignored me for the last year and now he’s trying to get in my good graces for reasons only he knows. It’s ridiculous. People who ignore their children shouldn’t have children or, at the very least, expect them to return their calls.

 

I guess you already know that I will be back in town tomorrow. I would ask you to pick me up, but you probably don’t want to leave Jim’s side and Leonard and I probably need to talk in person (hopefully without bloodshed).

 

Have you seen him this morning? I was expecting him to email me and he hasn’t. I guess I’d better make the first move. I think that’s the story of my relationship with all men.

xxxxx

From: UhuraNX

 

To: McCoyL

 

Subject: I will be home in the morning

 

Time Sent: 6/20/2259 13:16:11

Okay, I know we were all under the impression that Jim is a really reckless person who doesn’t think ahead, but that assumption is beyond wrong. He actually had a contingency plan in place in case his mom really did go crazy and/or fall off the wagon. Now that we’re working with Shawn, things are going better.

 

I’ll be home in the morning. Actually, can you pick us up from the shuttle port? There are some things I want to talk to you about, like how you have been avoiding Jim all day, but I don’t want to in an email because Jim is bored and hacking into other people’s accounts.

We should be arriving at 8:35 AM your time. I’ll have goodies from Jim’s favorite bakery.

XXXXXX

From: SpockX

 

To: UhuraNX

Time written: 6/20/2259 13:17:54

Subject: Re: Jim, do not read this email.

Do not refer to me by that ridiculous nickname.

I doubt that such a subject line will be a deterrent for James. It may actually be an enticement. Also, I am well aware that it is futile to talk James out of doing something when he is of a certain mindset.

I am unable to tell you how the debriefing is proceeding because I am currently in the process of debriefing. However, your father is not present. It was part of the conditions set by Admiral N. Pike for the debriefing to take place.

xxx

From: UhuraNX

To: SpockX

 

Time written: 6/20/2259 13:28:54

 

Subject: Okay. It’s that bad.

It is never a good sign when you are sending me snarky comments during the middle of a debriefing. You hate it when people play on their PADDs during briefings or when they are supposed to be working.

 

I’m worried about you guys, Jim especially. I mean, at least you are now eating regularly and using multi-syllable words. That’s a big improvement from the worst of your ‘my-boyfriend-is-in-a coma’ depression. Although, I’m worried that the other ‘idiots-that-be’ are going to make you feel horrible during your debriefing, even without my father being present. I mean, Carol is currently in the psych ward because K was just unbelievably nasty to her. Please tell me he is not there?

 

The thing is, I think it’s worse for Jim because hey, at least this time around, you realize that you really are that depressed. Jim is still kind of in the denial phase. If you read what Jim said to me, then you’ll realize that he is really not okay, he’s nowhere near okay. The guilt is eating him from the inside. You know, he blames himself for Chris’s death. It kind of reminds me of you after Vulcan.

 

Don’t get me wrong, things got bad after your fight with Kevin, but at least I can still reach you this time. Last time I just felt hopeless, like there was no way whatsoever that I could ever reach you. No matter how many times I told you that you weren’t responsible for Amanda’s death, you never believed me. I think Jim is in that same place.

 

Actually, I think it’s worse because I think Jim is starting to believe that the idiots like K were right all along and he had no business being Captain of Enterprise. It never ceases to amaze me that the most seemingly arrogant man I have ever met has the galaxy’s worst self-esteem.

 

I’m kind of worried he’s going to do something rash like resign or pull another warp core stunt that will be much more permanent.

xxxxxxxx

From: SpockX

To: UhuraNX

Time written: 6/20/2259 15:12:54

Subject: Re: Okay, it’s that bad

Normally I do not like sending messages during a debriefing. However, emailing you is more productive than participating. Although your father and Admiral K, are not present, there are others that would make anyone feel guilty for what transpired.

 

I would deny that I felt guilt regarding my mother’s death on the grounds that Vulcans do not feel guilty, but we both know that would be inaccurate. I am equally worried about James.

 

I am pleased that he is talking to you about this. He needs to speak to someone, and I am uncertain that that person can be me. You believe I am in a better place emotionally than I was in the immediate aftermath of my mother’s death. I am not certain I can agree with you. I do not like leaving James, even for a few minutes. I am afraid that when I return from this debriefing, he will be gone and I will discover that James surviving the warp core incident is just some delusion to help me deal with his passing.

 

 

From: SpockX

To: UhuraNX; Spock_fucker_59

Time sent: 6/20/2259 19:02:54

Subject: If you just died after watching your father figure die, you would have the blues too.

I’m not suicidal. Thank you very much. I’m not Marc. Just for that you’re bringing me extra chocolate when you get here.

I’m fine. I’m still here and I’m planning to still be here for a very long time.

 

My desire to leave Starfleet or at the very least no longer sit in the Captain’s chair is just not a self-esteem thing. Alexander Marcus just disregarded everything the Federation stands for and literally fed us to the Klingons for the sake of starting his own war. How was that going to bring about peace and security? Maybe I don’t want to be part of an organization where Alexander Marcus is given carte blanche to do whatever he wants. Maybe I don’t want to send out anymore ‘I’m sorry your son or daughter died’ letters. Maybe I’m tired of fighting a losing battle.

 

Also, good luck on Spock telling you anything else about how his debriefing went. He hasn’t said a word since he arrived to my hospital room four hours ago. However, snuggling while watching movies has been good. Actually, Spock fell asleep on top of me, which is why I now have access to his PADD again.

PS: Also, do you know why your boyfriend is avoiding me? I don’t think he has spent more than five minutes in my room all day. Angry Nurse Number Three says that’s weird.

xxxxx

From: UhuraNX

To: Spock_fucker_59; SpockX

Time sent: 6/20/2259 19:17:24

Subject: RE: If you just died after watching your father figure die, you would have the blues too.

 

Jim **stop** hijacking your husband’s email.

 

I’m trying to have a private conversation with my best friend.

 

Also, we are not having a conversation about you not having suicidal tendencies when you’re in the hospital recovering from actually dying. That right there illustrates my point completely.

 

No, I don’t know why your best friend is avoiding you. He has not answered my last email. He may be avoiding me as well.

 

I do get your point, but think of it this way: if you leave, who will protect Starfleet from the Alexander Marcus’ of the universe?

 

xxxxxx

From: UhuraNX

To: McCoyL

Time sent: 6/20/2259 19:22:49

Subject: Do I need to take a taxi?

So I still need an answer about the ride. You know how much I hate taking taxis. They always overcharge.

 

Apparently, I’m not the only one you’re avoiding (and the fact that you did not answer my earlier email makes me sure that your avoiding me). Jim says that you barely spend any time in his room.

 

Please go keep him occupied so he will stop breaking into Spock’s PADD. Just so you know, the only thing private Spock and I are talking about is Jim. No secret hookups or anything like that are in the cards.

 

Also, I have to talk to you about something of a medical nature and I don’t want to do it over email, especially when Jim is bored and hacking into other people’s accounts.

 

xxxxx

 

 

From: McCoyL

To: UhuraNX

Time written: 6/20/2259 20:16:13

Subject: Jim should be kept away from all electronic devices.

If this were a call, you would see me with my head buried in my hands. Honestly, I don’t know why I gave him PADD access again. Never trust Jim Kirk with the computer, especially when he’s bored. He’s already caused enough problems.

 

If it’s something involving Winona’s treatment, it’s probably best that we talk about it in person. Although I’m not a mental health expert, I have spent too much time with Jim Kirk. Okay, maybe that makes me an expert at recognizing crazy people. However, I will try to answer your questions. At worst, I can put you in touch with someone who can answer your question.

I’m not avoiding you or the toddler; I’m dealing with the cow. Court orders don’t mean a damn thing to her and I’m pretty sure my current lawyer is most likely already in her pocket. Because I’m dealing with grown-up things, I do not have time to watch Jim and the hobgoblin make googly eyes at each other.

However, I will make time for you. I’ll be there, just buy me a cup of coffee later. Maybe once we drop the kid off at the dorms (because I’m sure he’s going to need sleep before seeing his brother), we can find a nice café and you can tell me what you need to without Jim being nearby.

xxxx

From: UhuraNX

To: McCoyL

Time Sent: 6/20/2259 20:16:13

Subject: RE: Jim should be kept away from all electronic devices.

 

That works for me. I will let you know if my plans change. Anyway, I’m off for a late dinner with Jim’s brother and Jim’s lawyer. I’ll talk to you later.

XXXX

From: Spock_fucker_59

To: UhuraNX; SpockX

Time written: 6/20/2259 20:02:13

 

Subject: You shouldn’t throw PADDs in glass houses

 

You are like such a hypocrite. How many times did you abuse privileges to look at my emails? Okay. Eventually I started giving you access, but that’s beside the point. You know that there’s no expectation of privacy on Starfleet PADDs, why do you think I invented my special software in the first place.

 

I’m trying to avoid therapy homework and reading Spock’s emails are so much more interesting than the alternative. (Also my personal email account is mostly filled with ‘I’m glad you’re not dead’ emails that I just can’t deal with answering right now.) Even though Dr. Suarez refuses to treat me, I still have therapy homework for my new doctor, who happens to share the same unfortunate name as the bastard who fucked us over.

 

I don’t even know why I’m in Starfleet mandated therapy. Okay, I know why. The ‘idiots-that-be’ are probably going to use my questionable psychiatric history to prove how much of a screw-up I really am, so they can blame the entire Vengeance fiasco on me. I still don’t trust any doctor with that last name, even if she only received that name because she had the misfortune of falling in love with a Cruz.

 

PS: The warp core wasn’t suicide. It was making sure that my crew didn’t die because of my stupidity.

 

From: UhuraNX

To: Spock_fucker_59; SpockX

Time sent: 6/20/2259 22:13:34

Subject: Fuck you Jim

 

Oh, I don’t know why I think you’re suicidal. Maybe because you actually did kill yourself! It was a heroic suicide and you saved all of us, but I’m so tired of watching my friends die. Spock, that goes for you too. Fuck the Prime Directive. You are more important to me.

 

It’s been more than three years, and sometimes I still feel Marc’s blood on my skin. I’m not doing this again. I refuse to be helpless again.

 

I’m just so tired. I’m dealing with way too many things.

 

First, there is Leonard, who says he’s not avoiding me, but is too busy dealing with his ex-wife. I know it has something to do with the custody arrangement. For, someone I’ve never met, that woman has completely screwed with my relationship. God, I hate her. With everything going on, I could really use things not being complicated with my boyfriend, but thanks to her and the Enterprise rumor mill, they are.

 

Also, your horny/idiot brother made a pass at me. He tried to kiss me a few minutes ago. I’m sure it’s probably all the stress of dealing with his mom and me helping him out and him taking it the wrong way, but I still punched him.

 

Also, Christine keeps calling. Right now she’s trying to convince me to be Carol’s roommate when she moves into her dead father’s condo. Like that is going to be good for someone who’s currently in the psych ward.

 

Really, I just want to talk to my best friend right now about his slightly off boyfriend and my slightly ass hole boyfriend without you being defensive. I would also like to ask my science friend if during the last mission before new Vulcan we came across anything that may have deactivated my birth control? Because things have been so psycho, it took me five days to realize that I’m la

Xxxxx

From: UhuraNX

To: Spock_fucker_59; SpockX

Time written: 6/20/2259 12:02:54

Subject: recall message: Fuck you Jim

This message has been recalled

Xxxx

From: UhuraNX

To: SpockX; Spock_fucker_59

Subject: Can You Just Ignore Everything I just Said?

Time written: 6/20/2259 23:02:54

 

Okay, even though I tried to recall that message, I know you still read it. (Does recalling work on Non-Starfleet email accounts?). I am just going to blame what I said on sleep deprivation and way too much stress. Honestly, I didn’t actually mean to send that message. I was just trying to get something off my chest before I wrote the real email.

Really, the voice recognition software is out to get me. I breathed on the microphone the wrong way. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I’ll bring cookies.

xxxx

From: SpockX

To: UhuraNX;

Subject: Re: Can you just ignore everything I just said?

Time written: 6/21/2259 5:02:13

Xxxxxx

I have changed my password to a Vulcan word that James has no chance of ever pronouncing, let alone spelling. I also reminded James that although I have no trouble with him reading my therapy journal, Starfleet communications should remain private and confidential and it is inappropriate for him to keep reading my private work email. I also pointed out the fact that if I feel he should read something, I will forward it to him.

 

I also told him that if he accesses my work email again without my permission, then we will not need Dr. McCoy to order us to abstain from sexual activities, because I will do so voluntarily.

 

Yes, I am aware that James is consumed by guilt. I read his emails to you and messages that he left me in my therapy journal. I have not responded directly, because I am uncertain what to say. If I told James that he is not responsible for Christopher Pike’s death, James would remind me that I am not responsible for his death. Neither of us is willing to accept our lack of culpability in either instance.

 

I was told by multiple members of Starfleet (those who were not cronies of certain members of the admiralty that James dislikes) that my actions on Enterprise did not result in James’ actions in the warp core. Just as last time with my mother, I keep trying to come up with different scenarios that would not have resulted in James’ sacrifice.

 

But in other ways, this is not the same. I do not feel as consumed by my guilt as last time. I still feel things other than an overwhelming sense of numbness. Maybe that is because James is still here and my mother is forever lost. The other explanation is that I cannot push everyone away this time. You and James will not let me.

 

I am worried about James becoming that lost. Christopher Pike was the closest thing James ever had to a father. He had a homework assignment to write a letter to Christopher. Forty-five failed attempts are currently sitting in our recycling bin. I have read some of them after James fell asleep, or rather was sedated by Leonard. Most start with the phrase “I’m sorry I fucked up.”

 

I do not believe that you have come into contact with any substance that would deactivate your birth control. It is possible your menstruation cycle is irregular due to stress. I will mention none of this to Dr. McCoy. However, I suggest that you do a pregnancy scan. If you want, we can do this when you get back.

Xxxxxx

From: UhuraNX

To: SpockX

Subject: Re: Can you just ignore everything I just said?

Time written: 6/21/2259 5:27:54

You know your husband’s language skills are more impressive than you think. He was not in the linguistics club just to get dates. Also, we both know that if he really wants to read your messages he will. I think the only deterrent are his feelings for you and the threat of withholding sex.

 

I could argue that pregnancy is not possible, but I know better. Although I do think I need a friend to hold my hand during the test (platonically of course). I think that’s going to be you right now (I really need to make more friends).

 

I think Jim needs you to hold his hand as well. Jim needs your support. You need to be the strong one right now. That doesn’t mean keeping all your feelings inside and act like nothing is wrong, because that does no one any good. You need to find the right balance.

Xxxxx

From: Spock_fucker_59

To: UhuraNX

Subject: I’m sorry. My brother is still a horny little teenager

Time written: 6/21/2259 10:21:42

I would like to apologize on behalf of my little brother for being an idiot. (Please tell me there are pictures of you punching him out?) When he gets here I’m going to scream at him for that as long as Bones is not in the room. Considering how much he has avoided me today, I’d don’t think that’s going to be an issue.

 

Okay, it is possible ‘she-who-will-not-be-named’ may be partially responsible for him being otherwise occupied. But even when he’s dealing with a ship load of crazy people, he always makes time to spend with me when I’m sick. Let’s be honest, I am in sick bay a lot.

 

In light of that, I am reluctantly willing to admit that I do have some suicidal tendencies and maybe you have a right to be mad at me, or at least that’s what Dr Suarez said this morning. She’s kind of making me write this email for invading your privacy. However, I only agreed to do it if you got the same lecture. Be prepared.

For some unknown reason, she can be your psychologist, but I’m stuck with Dr. Margarita. Thankfully I don’t have to see the good doctor until tomorrow.

If Bones were talking to me, I would know how bad things were with ‘she-who-will-not-be-named’. But he’s not, so I don’t know if this is her normal manipulating things around or something worse. I don’t know why she keeps trying to hurt Bones. I stopped trying to understand her motives a long time ago. It’s what she does. She’s been using JoJo as a weapon against Leonard since the first time Bones held that girl in his arms.

 

Even though Bones is completely avoiding me, I will still talk to Shawn or maybe Alexis about what can be done to make her actually adhere to the damn custody agreement. It’s not like either of them will fall for her usual method of manipulation. They both prefer men. I’ll even pay for it. It’s the least I can do. I mean according to you and Spock, he is the only reason why I’m not dead. He deserves some happiness.

PS: If you happen to find a dead rabbit, I don’t think it would be that bad this time. Unlike the situation with the Ex, I think he actually loves you. More importantly, I know you love him.

To be continued.

 


	18. Excerpts from the therapy journal of James Tiberius Kirk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. Your reviews keep me writing and in the creative happy place. There’s going to be a time jump in this chapter. The last few chapters all happened on the same day and the story must move forward. The way things are going the story may end up twice as long as the last one.
> 
> Warning: During Jim’s letter to his mother, Jim as going to get into some very deep stuff, including part of the reason why he has issues with sexual intimacy. This has been hinted at during earlier chapters in this and the prequel but this is the first time that Jim has articulated what happened to him in his childhood. This is a trigger for some people, so I’m warning now even if the description won’t be very graphic.

 

**Excerpts from the therapy journal of James Tiberius Kirk**

* * *

June 23, 2259

Dear Bones:

I’m half tempted to tear off this sheet of paper and stick it under your door since we both know you’re avoiding me. (The only reason why I’m doing this in hardcopy is because my PADD had an accident this morning.) But there’s a 50-50 chance that I may mention the fact that my boyfriend is forcing your girlfriend to take a pregnancy test as I write this, so this is probably not the letter I want you to read. Especially in light of the fact that you’re dealing with horrible dreadful cow-related custody problems already.

 

Seriously, I can’t believe she’s trying to sue you for full custody again (I overheard you cursing out the cow when Spock took me to visit Carol yesterday). Okay, so before my little PADD accident, I may have done some digging in the Georgia legal system computers and discovered exactly how spiteful she really is. Hey, it’s their own fault for having horrible firewalls. The bitch already has full physical custody, and now she’s trying to take away your visitation rights just so she can take away the part of your heart she didn’t get in the divorce.

We both know baby JoJo hates the boarding school that she is being carted off to. It’s enough to make me want to challenge the ridiculous rules about kids on ships. If I wasn’t in the middle of testing Starfleet’s recently revised policy regarding married command teams I would take it had on. However, right now I need to take more of a Spock approach to things.

 

Shawn is good at what he does and he knows people. I kind of wish he was a bit older, so he would have been practicing during the entire Frank fiasco. His firm does a lot of child advocacy work. He’s definitely willing to represent JoJo pro bono, so she can actually get a say. (I need to remember to tell you this in something that you will actually see).

 

If you don’t want that, I can pay for it. I have a decent trust fund from the Tarsus fiasco (because mom will not touch a credit of the money she got from Sam’s wrongful death suit and gave it all to me) and Spock inherited a lot of non-planet based assets during that thing we do not speak of. We should do something useful with the money.

 

Actually, come to think of it, we have a lot of things we do not speak of, starting with the reason why I am in a hospital room now. Is this why you’re avoiding me? I mean, you were the only person yesterday who didn’t partake in Scotty’s pizza and movie marathon in my hospital room. That was overwhelming enough on its own, so it was probably best that you weren’t there because I don’t think I could’ve dealt with all the arguing between you, Spock and Nyota.

 

Why do you not like Spock? You know that the rumor mill is 100% false and he’s not sleeping with your girlfriend. Although there may have been some kissing after the breakup, but I’m pretty sure that was my anniversary present.

 

Do you have a problem with the fact that they used to date? Nyota pretty much implied that you were jealous. Okay, I’m may have read that in a letter that she wrote to Spock that I probably shouldn’t have read and that may be why I am now locked out of my husband’s PADD. This may be some weird attempt to make me do therapy homework. I don’t know. Spock is subversive as hell when he wants to be.

 

I see you as much my brother as Kevin is, and I would really like you to at least get along with my future husband. Although in your defense, at least you haven’t actually tried to hit my boyfriend. Thank you for not having security escort my brother off the premises for that little incident.

 

Maybe I was a bit of a bad influence on Kevin and he gets the “punch first” side of his personality from me. This is probably a side effect of my bar fight phase coinciding with his formative years and me being his only male role model. No wonder mom was always angry at me for being a bad example for her baby.

 

Okay, now I’m going to have to write a version of this letter that doesn’t mention that your sort of “it’s complicated” girlfriend may be “its complicated” pregnant. I wonder if you would be happy or angry if the metaphorical condom broke this time. On the positive side, Nyota will not fuck you over and she actually cares about you. On the negative side, your relationship is pretty screwed up right now and you don’t trust her, most likely because of the cow. That’s not exactly the type of environment that you would want to bring a kid into. Although from what I understand it’s still a step up from the toxic place that was your first marriage. Then there are Starfleet’s arcane family policies. Chris will love -I mean, would have loved to challenge that.

* * *

 

Dear Spock:

I would email you but you won’t let me use your PADD anymore and you know about my accident during therapy. (I could break into it again because my computer skills are that awesome, but I would like to have sex again as soon as we get out of here.) Also, you’re such a dick for not getting me another one. You know how boring this place is. I could be sending you dirty emails right now about how much I really wish I could be sucking your cock. Or, you know, doing something productive like reading up on Starfleet’s arcane marriage and family policies, looking into Georgia’s child welfare laws, or reading over sex tips for people who have just survived extreme radiation.

 

Just for not getting me a new PADD I won’t be sucking you off anytime soon. Also my ass is off limits too, even though Dr. Grouchy is okay with it. (I’m may have told him that Shawn was willing to represent Jo Jo so the soulless monster could not screw her over via the custody fight a few minutes ago and he reacted in a very Bones way and let’s just leave it at that.)

 

I mean, you’re going to be out shopping with Nyota, you could pick me up a new toy (not that type of toy, but if you want to pick up something fun and phallic, be my guest). Okay, you’re not going to be “shopping” shopping, you’re going to be forcing her to take a very discreet home pregnancy scan. I should probably thank her for getting you out of the hospital room for something other than a Starfleet briefing, even if you are forcing her to take a pregnancy test.

 

What, you didn’t think I would pick up on that? You know I speak Vulcan or at least enough of it to detect the words pregnancy and test in a casual conversation. Contrary to popular belief, my IQ test scores were not forged.

 

I know that not getting me a replacement PADD is my punishment for the reading your email thing. I know you said you were not mad at me, but it’s obvious that you are mad at me. But here’s the thing Spock, I had to do it. You haven’t exactly talked to me about what’s going on during the debriefings from hell and I’m scared. I don’t like being left in the dark when it comes to you.

 

So why aren’t we talking about this or really anything? Is that because it’s too much for you to deal with or is it because they ordered you not to tell me. Part of me thinks they’re planning my court-martial. You know K is out to get me. And well, it’s not paranoia if it’s true. You and I know that they’re out to get me. Alexis is sure of it and is already filing half a dozen motions in response.

 

Since this letter is technically therapy homework, hardcopy is probably for the best (and at least K can’t use this against me), even if I’m going to have writer’s cramp by the time I get done with all my therapy homework.

Did I mention today how unfair it is that you still get to work with Dr. Suarez? What did I do to make my therapist breakup with me? Am I really that bad of a patient? I mean, yes, she keeps stopping by to bring me the good yogurt and chocolate, but I’m still forced to meet with somebody who I don’t know and don’t trust.

 

Okay, you already told me more than once that I’m being illogical for not liking Margarita because her last name is Cruz. I realize that is just as illogical as when people see you as the sole representative of Vulcan culture or tried to belittle you because you’re half human (or half Vulcan, depending on the situation). I kept telling you that I am a very illogical person. We are both illogical.

 

So, I’m supposed to write you this letter about how I’m kind of afraid that you’re going to leave me and I am a little panicky about the wedding. Dr. Margarita thinks I’m obsessing over the wedding and want to do it as fast as possible because I’m convinced you will leave me otherwise. That’s not true. I’m obsessing over the wedding because I’m scared it may not happen at all if we wait too long. I died in the warp core and you almost died in the volcano. I don’t know what Starfleet is going to do to us. I just want to be prepared. I want you to be my husband and I don’t see the point of waiting since we came so close to losing each other.

 

Do you know that Starfleet doesn’t recognize our Vulcan marriage for the purpose of death benefits? If I did actually die in the warp core you wouldn’t have got a single credit and that’s not right. Also, unlike how they were when George died, the benefits are halfway decent now. I just want to get all this stuff squared away just in case. I mean, for all we know Bones miracle cure may stop working tomorrow. I just don’t want you to have to go through what mom went through. I need to know that you will be taken care of no matter what. If I had a PADD, I would email Shawn right now to rewrite my will.

* * *

 

Dear Baby Brother:

I’m starting my letter to you with that because you are definitely acting like the baby you really are. Seriously, why did you hit my husband, or at least try to? You do know Vulcans are built like a brick house.

 

Yes, I did write down the word husband because that’s how I think of Spock in my head. The only reason why we are ever going through with an actual wedding is because rules regarding Starfleet death benefits are unbelievably arcane and just like when we were growing up the accountants will use any excuse not to pay out.

 

To me a piece of paper doesn’t matter. I love Spock. I’ve never loved anyone in my life the way I love him. Fuck, I died for him and that is probably the number one reason why you’re taking swings at my Vulcan husband. But you just have to get over it because I plan to spend the rest of my life with him as long as Spock will have me, even if it’s just a few more minutes or 100 more years. Actually, we already went through the “til death do us part” thing and well, we were bad at it.

 

If you’re going to try to take a swing at somebody, it should be me. I’m the one who did heroic suicide by warp core. Do you want me to apologize for dying? Don’t hold your breath Kevin, because that’s not going to happen. I did what I had to do. Do I wish there were other options? Yes. Am I sorry for hurting you? Yes. However, I’m not sorry that I did it because I probably saved the lives of every person on my crew. So be mad at me and stop picking fights with Spock. I’m planning on him being around for a while, so get over it.

 

A certain doctor who has known me since before you were my little brother said I should talk to you about keeping how bad things were with mom a secret from you. I’m not apologizing for that, either. That was me trying to keep you as innocent as possible for as long as I could, even though I don’t think I’ve ever known an innocent version of you. Watching people be murdered in front of you pretty much takes that away, along with whatever else you saw on that planet.

 

I’ve read the file, the real one, not the sanitized for consumption version. I had no choice because you and mom don’t want to talk about it and I don’t blame you. I know that you watched your biological mom and dad be murdered in front of you. You had a front row seat to the rapes and executions. That sort of stuff screws with you. I know you’re worried about losing your second family and that’s probably why you lashed out at Spock and maybe why you did something really stupid in Iowa and you know what you did. It is the reason why you still have a black eye.

 

Even though I didn’t even know you back then, I still feel like I didn’t do my duty as your big brother because I couldn’t protect you. Sometimes I wondered if things would have been different if I was there. I know in the other dimension (and someday when you have a decent security clearance I’m going to have to explain why Spock’s “uncle” looks like his geriatric clone), I was on the planet of the fucked and Sam lived long enough to have a wife and children.

 

Unfortunately, he didn’t live long enough to actually see his son become an adult and Winona ended up raising a second-generation of Kirk boys. Also, other me completely fucked up things with Spock and had a child with a woman who I’m pretty sure is a lesbian (mostly) in this dimension that he barely knew (the child and the woman). I met Carol’s “it’s very complicated” sort of ex-girlfriend Rebecca yesterday while Carol was spending another day in the psychiatric ward. I guess what I’m saying is that maybe things wouldn’t necessarily be better if other choices were made and honestly, I don’t feel like dealing with red matter to go back in time to make new ones (I’m probably going to have to shred this letter just because I mentioned that). I’m sure I would just find new ways to completely screw everything up.

 

Other me never had you for a little brother, so that’s another thing in the plus column. I do love being your brother even though sometimes I want to smack you upside the head. Just because I’m getting married, or in my mind already married, doesn’t mean that you’re not my brother. We are always going to be family and I will always love you. That’s more than I can say for a lot of people I am related to by blood.

 

PS. I didn’t say this out loud because Bones was probably in listening distance, even if he was avoiding my room, but what the fuck were you thinking kissing Nyota? First of all, she’s at least a decade older than you and completely out of your league. She was out of Spock’s league and you know Spock is like a thousand times out of my league and I don’t even know why he’s with me 99% of the time. Next, she is kind of in love with my best friend. Even though they are fighting, that was the wrong time for you to pull something that idiotic. Seriously, Kevin what were you thinking?

* * *

 

Dear Winona:

So how exactly do I start this letter? “Sorry Winona, I did something stupid and set off another one of your classic drinking binges”? “Sorry, I didn’t mean to cause daddy flashbacks”? Don’t expect that apology anytime soon, at least a sincere one anyway.

 

I did what I had to do to save my crew. Okay, I did what I had to do to save Spock. Maybe I was channeling dad. For so long, I was furious at him for leaving us behind. I didn’t understand why he did what he did. I didn’t understand that there were no other options. I always thought that he didn’t love us enough to want to live, that we weren’t enough for him. Now I get it. Dad didn’t die to save 800 people, he died to save us. I guess it took doing what I did to get to the point where I can truly forgive him for dying on us.

 

Lucky for you, my chief communications officer is on your side. She likes you a lot better than her parents, but don’t take that as a compliment because they are horrible. You would win parent of the year by comparison. Nyota cursed me out yesterday for sending you that particular 21st-century rap song instead of writing you an actual farewell letter. Okay, she mostly cursed me out for writing the goodbye letters, but that’s an entirely different conversation. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

 

The lyrics pretty much sum up our relationship perfectly. I love you. I just don’t always know if I can spend more than 5 minutes in a room with you. We argue too much and we don’t listen to each other. Basically, it reminds me of the first month of my relationship with Spock, except you and I have never moved beyond that phase.

 

I blamed you for too many things that were not your fault. Frank screwed all of us over, not just me, even if in my case it was a bit more literal. Of course, as soon as you found out what the bastard did, you shot him with a phaser (after I did it first, but nobody knows about that but you and Spock). Frank should be grateful that the thing was on stun. Okay, maybe we should both be grateful the Iowa court system considered the entire episode self-defense and decided to lock up Frank instead. Okay, we should probably be thankful to Starfleet for looking the other way when you pulled your official weapon on your abusive molesting ex-husband and Chris for making sure nobody looked very closely at my juvenile record.

 

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I forgive you for Frank and for getting lost in the bottle. There’s no point in me holding on to the bitterness anymore. For so long I was mad at you for not seeing him for the monster that he really was and choosing Starfleet over us. But that wasn’t your fault. He had us all fooled in the beginning and you weren’t really choosing Starfleet over us, you were just doing what you had to do to provide for us. After nearly dying, I’ve had my own recent crash course in Starfleet death benefits. I get it now.

 

I forgive you for being sick and for me having to be the man of the house after Tarsus. At least you tried to get better, but it was too hard for you. I know what happened on the planet of the fucked, and I can say from firsthand experience that rape really does fuck with your mind. Just ask Spock, how long it took me to be okay with him fucking me. Actually, never ask him that question. There’s just some things I do not want you to know about my sex life and the fact that Spock and I actually have a healthy one is-- okay, I do want you to know that we have a good relationship. I just don’t want you to know the details.

 

Just so you know, I get it, and it was worse for you because you watched Sam die in front of you and you actually had to kill someone. Granted, it was an evil person, but it doesn’t make it easier. Every time I pull the trigger, I think it gets a little harder. Now I have Chris’s blood on my hands too, because I wasn’t quick enough. Did you feel that way with Sam?

 

I just wish you would’ve told me what happened, but you had your reasons. I wasn’t old enough to deal with it back then and now, I’m not sure we have the type of relationship where we share deep dark secrets. It’s better that I found out from the file anyway because Spock was with me when I found out. Honestly, he is the only reason why I’m able to deal with what I read. He is my anchor.

 

A part of me has a hard time believing that my almost death caused you to have another “episode”, no matter what Nyota said. My entire childhood I’ve always felt like you love other things more than me, if you love me at all. Okay, maybe I felt like you blamed me for everything going wrong. Dr. Margarita says I’m being irrational, but Dr. Margarita doesn’t know me that well yet. She doesn’t know about Frank and there’s no way in hell I’m telling her. Did I mention that Dr. Suarez is refusing to treat me? Even my therapist doesn’t want me anymore. Am I really that unlovable?

 

Sometimes I think the only person who has ever loved me unconditionally is Spock and even then, I doubt that on the really bad days. I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop, and for him to realize that I’m not good enough for him. I’m broken in so many ways. Spock even knows all the ways I’m broken, even what happened with Frank, despite the fact I made sure that everything related to that nasty episode is buried under 6 levels of encryption. Yet, he’s still here and I have no idea why.

 

* * *

 

Dear Chris:   

Okay, so this is attempt number 76 at writing this email. I literally went through an entire therapy journal figuring out what to say. The last 2 days have not been fun for me. Dr. Margarita was not even mad that I didn’t do my homework. She just gave me another journal and we spent the session talking about wedding plans. The good news is I now have the name of a decent wedding planner who’s willing to do this thing super quick in case the engagement and the Vulcan marriage may not cut it.

 

I’m even more worried about the Idiots That Be shipping us off to separate sides of the galaxy before we can get married human style. I know K and his cronies are still up to something. Alexis is almost positive that the volcano incident was manufactured so they would have a reason to split us up before we tied the knot because even though the Federation recognizes our bond, Starfleet doesn’t for certain purposes.

 

Okay, there were a lot of reasons why the volcano incident happened, most of which are too classified for me to even write about in a therapy letter. Cruz was a very bad man, and his hands are as bloody as everyone else’s.

 

The only time I talked about something that we should be talking about is when I told her we would have to find someone else to do the ceremony. You were supposed to marry us. Now I have to find somebody else because I couldn’t save you. I didn’t cry in front of her, but I may have broken my personal PADD. Spock refuses to bring me another one until I go home tomorrow. I’m also no longer allowed to play with his.

 

I may have said the wrong thing to his BFF and set her off. But she forgives me, so Spock should be willing to share his things again as long as I actually respect his email boundaries. Okay, I admit that going into his work email was inappropriate, but they should not be keeping back how bad the Vengeance Fiasco really is. I have a right to know.

 

I don’t want to be writing you this because as long as I put off writing this letter, I can pretend that you’re in the room next to mine recovering from what that bastard did to you. I don’t have to think about finding a new person to marry Spock and me, or having to scatter your ashes.

 

The other Admiral Pike (and it’s so hard to say that when it does not refer to you) is waiting on scattering your ashes until I get out. I don’t know why. I’m the reason why you’re dead. I know that. She knows that. I’m sure the group of admirals that want my head on a platter know that. My debriefing is in two days. I am not looking forward to it. You won’t be there to save me this time. Maybe that’s what I’m most afraid of.

To be continued


	19. How the fuck is that fair?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. Sorry it took a while to get this chapter through the editing process.
> 
> Warning: Grab a box of tissues
> 
> This is another potential trigger chapter.
> 
> Plot point spoiler/warning that I wrote backwards just to make it even harder: snoitacilpmoc ycnangerp dna egairracsim

 

* * *

 

From: UhuraNX

To: Spock_fucker_59

 

Subject: You don’t need to apologize for being an ass because I’m well aware of that

 

Time sent: 6/22/2259 14:43:12

 

I seriously don’t know why you’re so upset about having to see a new therapist. I would love to have somebody that doesn’t make me write these therapy letters. There are a lot of better things I could be doing like avoiding my parents or getting things ready for when they decide to let Carol leave.

 

You will be happy to know I should be off of your couch and living with my new roommate before you get out of the hospital. I still don’t know how Christine talked me in to living in the house of a guy who tried to kill us all. Maybe I said yes because I felt guilty for being so mean to Carol in the beginning. I also feel like a complete idiot for being jealous after meeting Rebecca. Elder Selek choked on a cookie when I told him about the girlfriend thing earlier. I think he behaved similarly when I told him I used to date your future husband.

 

Dr. Suarez is making me write you this email (which is why I’m delaying the inevitable by talking about random things). I’m not supposed to send it but you know my stance on therapy letters. I’m supposed to apologize for blowing up at you, disregarding your privacy, and punching your little brother. I’m only sorry for 2 of those things, and you can guess which 2.

 

Your brother is your brother, despite the lack of similar genetic material. He’s all sweet and innocent looking, but then he breaks out the best of Jim Kirk bad pickup lines and tries to kiss me. I know you and Winona did your best, but smacking him was a service to all womankind. I mean, when you acted like that, it was obvious it was a defense mechanism. You and I both know you’re not that person and you never have been. Kevin on the other hand, actually believes the façade. You need to talk to him about that. I think even without violence he may actually listen to you.

 

I don’t know if I believe you regarding how Leonard feels about me. That’s only fair because you don’t believe me about your mom (call her). I think he’s too jaded to actually love me.

 

I think if I ended up pregnant right now it would be a disaster. First of all, it would completely undo all the progress that we’ve made in the last few days, because even if we don’t get back together, we still have to work with each other because I’m not switching ships. We managed to survive the ride from the shuttle port without screaming at each other. That’s progress.

 

Also, he admitted that he’s been distracted with “personal problems”. Unfortunately, he won’t tell me what those personal problems are. Although as you know, with Leonard, just the fact that he is admitting to having problems at all is an improvement. Really, after dating Spock and being his best friend for significantly longer, I should be used to men who keep everything in. It does not get any less frustrating.

 

I think a pregnancy would just make Leonard flashback to the entire ex-wife fiasco, or rather the reason why they ended up getting married in the first place. I’m convinced that he would see things as they were last time, not realizing that I’m not going to use our unborn child against him. I’m definitely not going to expect a shotgun wedding or any wedding. That’s not who I am. I wouldn’t expect anything at all from him. If you don’t want me for me, then I don’t need you.

 

I’m not even 100% sure I would go through with a pregnancy right now. This is definitely not a time I would have planned to get pregnant. Things are in chaos personally and professionally. Thankfully, that’s not something I need to think about right now. My monthly intruder showed up like an hour ago, so it’s all good. But if things were different, Starfleet health insurance does cover alternatives like embryos stasis.

 

I’ll be over in like a half an hour for Scotty’s movie spectacular. I’ll bring popcorn and Leonard’s favorite cookies. Maybe that will get him to actually participate. Okay, maybe I should bring something harder.

* * *

 

From: UhuraNX

To: SpockX

 

Subject: We don’t need to do a pregnancy test now.

 

Time Sent: 6/22/2259 19:32:54:

I would’ve told you this in person if it wasn’t for the fact that Jim’s brother made a complete ass of himself (again) and had to be escorted out. Okay, I didn’t tell you this because Leonard was hovering in Jim’s doorway and he probably would freak out over the fact that I’m close enough to you that you knew about the scare in the first place and I have no trouble telling you that I started menstruating and therefore cannot be pregnant.

 

Actually, I think you’re the only boyfriend I’ve ever had that has no trouble picking up feminine hygiene products for me. This sort of stuff doesn’t bother you at all (Leonard does not count, because he’s a doctor). Your future daughter will be proud and no way in hell am I going to be your gestational carrier. Jim will just have to find someone else, if you guys ever get to that place.

* * *

 

From: SpockX

To: UhuraNX;

 

Subject: I think a test is still medically necessary.

Time written: 6/22/2259 20:02:13

The fact that you believe that your menstruation cycle has started does not negate the necessity of a pregnancy scan. This may not actually be part of your cycle, but a symptom of something else that may necessitate additional medical care. Please see articles attached regarding vaginal bleeding during gestation.

* * *

 

 

From: UhuraNX

To: SpockX

 

Subject: Re: I think a test is still medically necessary.

 

Time written: 6/22/2259 20:16:54

Why did I tell you about this? I need more female friends. Fine, I will take a damn pregnancy scan. I’ll come by the hospital tomorrow. I’m also forcing you to pick up Jim a welcome home gift and I want chocolate. The good stuff.

* * *

 

From: UhuraNX

To: McCoyL

 

Subject: I don’t want to be your ex-wife

 

Time saved: 6/23/2259 2:56:31

Time Sent: 6/23/2259 06:00:01

Okay, so there were probably a half a dozen things that we should have talked about when I arrived home, but I cannot bring myself to have that conversation with you yet. I kind of like the fact that we weren’t snapping at each other. That was a welcome change from the last couple of times that we’ve been together. I’m also glad that you told me that something’s going on that has you distracted, even if you won’t tell me about the ex-wife trying to keep you away from your baby girl. Trust me, I want to smack her. I hate her so much because she’s hurt you so much. I hate it when you’re in pain.

 

I guess I shouldn’t be so hard on you because there’s something really big that I should have told you about earlier, and it’s not Jim’s baby brother making a pass at me. For at least a couple of days I was pretty sure I was pregnant, even though my birth control is supposed to be foolproof. I’m not worried about it anymore because I’m dealing with wonderful abdominal cramps and everything else now. Actually, I’m now wondering why I was so upset that the stupid thing did not show up when it was supposed to.

 

Okay, after being abandoned by my parents for the sake of a Starfleet career, I’ll be the first one to admit that the idea of having a child absolutely terrifies me. I don’t want to have children or at least not right now. (Jo Jo doesn’t count because she’s adorable and I kind of wish she was around more often, for your sake, if nothing else.)

 

It’s not like I had very good examples of what a parent should be growing up. My grandmother was great, but she wasn’t my mom and dad. All I know is that I would not do what my parents did to me. I wouldn’t just have a kid and leave her with someone else so I could just continue on as if nothing happened. Any child I have should come first.

Sometimes, I don’t even know why they had me. I know I couldn’t do that to my child. Again, the situation with Jo Jo was different because you didn’t have a choice. Every time ‘she who will not be named’ refuses to let you talk to her, you’re practically on the verge of tears. My parents wouldn’t have cared at all.

 

If I actually was pregnant, I know I wouldn’t necessarily have to go through with the pregnancy. There are options like embryo storage or adoption. Even with that I don’t even have to carry the fetus to term, unless I wanted to. Although that seems too much like something my parents did, just more formal and permanent. The way I see it, I got myself into this and therefore, I’m the one who is responsible. I guess that’s the difference between me and my absentee parents.

But I dodged the metaphorical bullet, this time, unless… Spock is still making me take a pregnancy test, just in case. I think he’s paranoid, but whatever. He sent me about 2 dozen articles about vaginal bleeding and miscarriage risk. That just seems more like something you would send me.

* * *

 

From: McCoyL

To: SpockX

Time sent: 6/23/2259 7:59:43

Subject: I hate your boyfriend.

Okay, your boyfriend is a fucking idiot and a toddler. I don’t know why I put up with him. How did we ever become friends? If it would not undo all my recent handiwork, I would strangle him. His little revenge for my girlfriend reading his therapy homework is biting me in the ass. I’m finding out all sorts of things about my girlfriend that I don’t think I’m ready to know, including the fact that her major coping mechanism to life altering events is to have sex with her friends and she may be pregnant.

 

I need you to convince Nyota to see Dr. Phillips today at four. She’s Nyota’s old OB/GYN from her time at the Academy. Nobody does denial better Nyota and her body is trying to tell her something that she is refusing to listen to.

* * *

 

From: SpockX

To: McCoyL

Time sent: 6/23/2259 12:01:31

Subject: RE: I hate your boyfriend.

If you are worried about Nyota’s physical health you should convince her to see Dr. Phillips yourself (instead of leaving me multiple voicemails that I have yet to listen to). Although she will not verbalize this, she does miss your company. She also values your insight on all things medical.

 

I do plan to have her take a home pregnancy scan this afternoon, if she does not back out of our plans. I told James we were going shopping, even though that is merely an excuse. He is upset that I will not purchase him a new PADD after he destroyed his this morning in therapy.

 

In light of the fact that James is highly destructive when he is bored, it may be best if you spend time with him. Lieutenant Sulu will not be there until after 4 PM today and I am positive James desires your company. James is upset by the fact that you are avoiding him. I personally believe that you are not avoiding James, but rather me because you believe the erroneous accusations of what Nyota refers to as the Enterprise rumor mill. Nyota and I have not engaged in sexual intercourse in the last year. Whatever grievance you have with me, should not be taken out on James.

* * *

 

From: McCoyL

To: SpockX

Time sent: 6/23/2259 13:07: 34

Subject: Re: I hate your boyfriend.

 

I’ve been a doctor long enough to know that a home pregnancy test is not going to cut it right now. She needs to see Dr. Phillips. If I show up to your apartment with a tricordor, I’m just going to be slapped. I have never met a more stubborn individual in my entire life.

 

I know you two aren’t sleeping together now, even if I may have believed that earlier. You’re head over heels in love with the moron and Jim is not smooth enough to talk her into that coveted threesome. It doesn’t matter if you two are not having sex. She’s still closer to you then she will ever be to me. She thinks she’s pregnant and instead of coming to me, her boyfriend and doctor, she tells you. That’s a major fault in our relationship.

 

I mean, I understand why Jim puts you first, you’re practically his husband and maybe I hate you a little less because I’ve seen in the last few days how much you really love him. However, because I expect Jim to put you first, I expect the same from my own girlfriend, but that’s not the case. You still know more of her secrets than I ever will, including the fact that she’s in the middle of a pregnancy scare (God, I hope it’s just a scare and not something worse).

 

Seriously, did everyone know that my girlfriend may be pregnant but me? Fuck, even Jim knows. The toddler had his therapy Journal open when I came in to talk with him about his discharge plan and I read the whole thing. Yes, we are letting him go home tomorrow because if he spent any more time at the hospital I’m pretty sure Nurse Jacobs would strangle him in his sleep. So not only do I find out that Jim knows all about the cow screwing me over again and is going behind my back to find Jo Jo a lawyer that I could never provide, Jim also knows that my girlfriend may be pregnant. (It was addressed to me. I have the right to read it.)

 

Just so you know, I’m not avoiding Jim and even if I were, I’m not avoiding him because of you. I have things to do, and other problems to contend with, like my ex-wife suing me for full custody for no good reason other than the fact that I’m probably going to be on earth for a while. Heaven forbid she actually lets me see Jo Jo every once in a while. That may require her to be a decent human being for once.

 

I’m willing to use the fact that my girlfriend cares more about you to my advantage. Maybe I am being paranoid, but I’d rather be safe than sorry. I don’t care how you do it, but get her to see Dr. Phillips.

* * *

 

From: SpockX

To: McCoyL

Time sent: 6/23/2259 15:19:43

Subject: RE: I hate your boyfriend.

I am not trying to take your place in James’ life. He cares a great deal about you and is worried about you. That is the only reason why he contacted Mr. Carraway to serve as the legal advocate to your daughter.

The home pregnancy scan was inconclusive and told us to consult Nyota’s gynecologist. If we were not on the way to see her physician, I would include several lines about how she does not value our relationship above her relationship with you. However, I do not have sufficient time for such an email.

* * *

 

From: McCoyL

To: SpockX

Time sent: 6/23/2259 15:26:12

At least she did not receive the ‘please call for immediate assistance’ prompt. I got that call once during my rotation. It wasn’t good.

Call me when you know something. Actually call me regardless. Maybe I should just come down there.

* * *

 

From: UhuraNX

To: McCoyL

Subject: I was pregnant but…

Time saved: 6/23/2259 16:32:31

So, I completely acknowledge that this is a horrible thing to put in an email that I am 99% sure that you’re actually going to read but I’m not ready to call you. Maybe I will be before you actually read this, but I’m not sure. Spock said he would call you, but I don’t want anyone here right now and if you knew what happened, you would be here. I’m not…

So I’m an idiot and apparently I was pregnant but I’m not…

Fuck it. I’m not ready to write this.

* * *

 

From: SpockX

To: SuluHG

Time sent: 6/23/2259 16:33:41

Subject: Will you be able to spend additional time with James this evening?

 

I am aware that you are planning to spend a few hours with James this afternoon, but is it possible for you to spend the rest of the evening with him? Due to circumstances beyond my control, I am unable to return this evening as planned. Also, please have James call me at his earliest convenience.

* * *

From: SuluHG

To: SpockX

Time sent: 6/23/2259 17:01:41

Subject: Re: Will you be able to spend additional time with James this evening?

No problem. We are playing old-school monopoly with a couple of the other patients here, including Dr. Marcus and her girlfriend(?), and it could take hours. (I had to do something, because it scares me when the Captain’s bored.) You already know that because you just spoke to Jim.

I overheard enough to know that you’re not staying away due to another debriefing about the Vengeance incident. My sister had a miscarriage last year, so I know it’s rough. Let Nyota know that she is in my thoughts and when she is up for it I can come by. I’m starting to like this monopoly thing and I can bring pizza. Times like this call for pizza.

* * *

 

From: UhuraNX

To: McCoyL

Subject: Why does stuff like this still happen in 2259?

Fuck!!!!!!!!

I lost the baby. I hate saying those words out loud right now, but dictation is easier than writing at the moment even if I feel like I’m going to start crying any second and all the chocolate ice cream that Spock brought me is just not working. What I thought was my period finally showing up was a miscarriage. I don’t know why I didn’t realize it. I should know better. Why does stuff like that still happen in 2259?

So now I know for sure that you’re going to read this sometime in the morning, because Spock has a big mouth. He told me that from the few clues I gave you in my email, you realize that something more serious was going on. So I guess I should say thank you for manipulating my best friend into making me see Dr. Phillips?

Why did this happen? What did I do wrong? Do you think that if we weren’t fighting you would have spotted the signs early enough? Maybe all the stress from fighting caused this in the first place. Stress has been a major component of my life for the last few weeks.

 

I didn’t think I wanted this and now…

 

Because I will not talk to Spock about what happened and I won’t let him tell you, he called Dr. Suarez (who is forcing me to write the second letter to you). What does it say about me when my only friends are my ex-boyfriend, his husband, and my therapist? There is Christine, but this is not a conversation you have via deep space instant messenger. Okay, there is also Hikaru, but I think our relationship is still more professional courtesy than real friendship.

I don’t know why I feel so numb right now. I don’t know why I am so shocked by what happened. I should have considered that possibility with everything that’s happened in the last 2 weeks.

Why am I so upset about this? It was absolutely the wrong time. We’re fighting and I know you would hate to bring another child into another toxic relationship. I know that’s your biggest regret with Jo Jo. I am not even going to begin to discuss why it would be the wrong time professionally, except Starfleet family policies are still ridiculous. It’s like I intellectually accepted this was the wrong time for me to be pregnant and yet why do I still feel so lost? Why do I feel like my heart just broke? I just…

 

Why did I lose our baby? Why do people like my mom and your ex-wife get to deliver perfectly healthy children when they don’t give a fuck? It is 2259 and babies are still found in trash cans despite all the alternatives. How the fuck is that fair?

I think I was a been a good mom.

* * *

 

She stopped dictating because she was crying too hard at this point and the stupid software had mangled “would’ve”. She was so wrapped up in herself that she didn’t even realize someone else was in the room until she felt two strong arms wrap around her.

“It’s okay darling,” Leonard whispered as he kissed her cheek.

“Spock told you?” she asked with tear filled eyes.

“Actually, Dr. Phillips did.” She didn’t believe him.

“I’m sure there are rules about that sort of thing,” she told him as she settled herself in to his embrace.

“You forgot to tell her that your doctor is also the person who…” Leonard started to say, but he stopped midsentence.

“Got me pregnant,” she yelled at him. “You can say it. I was pregnant.”

“And now you’re not.” He didn’t say anything else after that. He just held her as she cried.

To be continued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part of me wanted to get to Spock’s reaction to Jim’s therapy letters immediately, but I felt like this section needed to be in Nyota’s voice. Also, if I waited another chapter for you to find out if she was pregnant or not, I thought I would start getting very angry reviews. I think I may suffer digital pitchforks anyway.


	20. I Wish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. I have not received so many reviews for this story in a long time. I plan to reply to a lot of you individually but I have not had a chance yet but I will try to do that as soon as possible.
> 
> I’m really glad I get to post this chapter today because this day, June 24, 2014, marks the three-year anniversary of my own near death experience. Three years ago today, I was crossing the street on my way to work when I was hit by a large commercial van that ran a red light. I broke 5 bones, spent four days in the hospital, was off of work for a month, and I had to utilize a cane for seven months after that not to mention the months of physical therapy. Also three years later I still can’t sleep on the side where the guy hit me nor cross the street where the incident happened. Yet, I’m still here. So please join me today in celebrating my Survivor Day. 
> 
>  
> 
> A lot of the things I learned from that experience I’ve incorporated in this story. Right now we are leaving the initial recovery phase of the story and moving into the learning to live again post near death experience part of the story.

Dear Nyota:  
I wish I could make you feel better. I wish I could teach you how to control your pain and not let it affect you. I wish I could give you your child back.

I know wishing is illogical. It is impossible to affect actual change by merely wishing things were different. It has no effect on the actual circumstances and yet I find myself unable to do anything but wish.

I contacted Leonard, despite your specific request not to. He is your lover and the father of the child that you lost. He deserves to mourn with you. Leonard can assist you in ways I cannot. I am at a loss as to what to do in this situation, but I will be whatever you need me to be. I will always be your friend.  
xxxxxxxxxxxx  
Dear Leonard:  
I know that I have offered my condolences in person, but I felt that I should express them again. Even though I do not plan for you to read this piece of correspondence (although it is highly likely that Nyota will at some point).

Earlier you said that Nyota values me over you. I do not believe that to actually be the case. She values you in a way that is entirely different than the way she values me. I am her friend. I am someone who will support her through difficult circumstances. But you are the man that she loves. You are the one that she needs to hold her as she cries during this difficult time. She needs you.

I never understood the logic of jealousy. I’m familiar with the concept, because in adulthood, I realize that most of the mistreatment I experienced from my peers in adolescence was because I was more skilled in many areas, despite my so-called disadvantages. Because of this, they despised me. Jealousy leads to hatred and mistrust. Jealousy corrupts relationships. If nothing else, you and I must have a functional working relationship.

Yet we need more than to just be cordial. You are James’s best friend. He misses your companionship. More importantly, you need that companionship. James doubts himself. He blames himself for Christopher’s death and the death of every single individual who died during the Vengeance incident. He blames himself for Nyota’s miscarriage. He has convinced himself that if he had not asked her to accompany us to Qo'noS* she would not have miscarried. I find his logic faulty because Nyota has experienced other stressors during this month, such as the mere presence of her parents. 

There are many causes for miscarriages, including ectopic pregnancy. As a doctor, you know that sometimes the fetus is not viable, despite everything.

James doubts his abilities. Actually, he finds himself unlovable and unworldly of love. I need to convince him otherwise. We need to convince him otherwise. I am aware that I cannot do that without assistance. You are one of the few that can make James see reason. 

At the same time, you need James. You need his emotional support and his ability to see other solutions to your problems, especially when you are dealing with the loss of your unborn child and the troubling custody situation with your daughter. 

I know you are upset that James has arranged for your daughter to have her own legal representation during the custody negotiations. Do not see this as James stepping on your metaphorical toes, but as him pursuing an avenue that you did not consider. James loves you. You are his brother just as much as Kevin and if you read his letter to you in its entirety, you would know that. All he wants is for you to be happy.

The situation with Nyota reminds me of my mother, but you remind me of my father. Every time my mother lost another child in utero, my father would become even more distant than usual. He showed nothing. It was the main reason why I questioned if he ever loved my mother. Because if he really loved her, how could he be unmoved by her tears?

Now I realize he was holding in his own pain because it was overwhelming and I do not want you to do that. You accuse me of never showing any emotion and yet I find you are similar. You may express your anger or frustration easily, but it is difficult to know what you are really thinking.  
xxxxx  
Dear James:  
I know you think that you do not deserve me, but sometimes I feel as if I do not deserve you. Most partners would not understand why I needed to spend yesterday with Nyota, but you understood without explanation.

I do not know how to help her any more than I know how to help you. You blame yourself for everything from Christopher’s death to Nyota’s miscarriage and she is doing the same thing. I do not know how to get you two to not feel that way.

I called Leonard to be with Nyota because I think that will help, even though she will be angry at me for doing so. They need each other right now. I also hope that by doing that, Leonard will no longer be threatened by my relationship with her.

I am even less certain how to deal with you. I can talk to your brother and try to convince him that I am not taking you away from him. I do not know how fruitful such actions will be, but I am willing to try. At least I have a place to start when dealing with the Kevin situation, but I do not know how to fix your self-loathing.

I do not know how to convince you that I love you unconditionally, despite your imperfections and human idiosyncrasies. I do not care about your past. What happened to you was not your fault and it does not make you less in my eyes. I care about you. I love you for everything you are and everything you are not. I believe in you. 

I am aware you are not perfect; neither am I. I do not expect you to be perfect. I expect you to be yourself. You are brash. You do things without thinking. You come up with ideas that I would never see. You challenge me. You are my other half. I do not want to function without you. I am not even sure it is feasible at this point and I refuse to find out.

I do not think all of the admiralty are out to get you. You do not have anything to worry about during your hearings, especially because Nyota’s father will not be allowed to sit in on the proceedings. 

I did not tell you about my own debriefings because I do not want to add extra stress to you. I do not think they are really questioning our decisions. I think they are attempting to determine why we were put in the position we were in. Things are not what they seem.

For the first time in months, I desired the ability to speak with Amanda about -- everything. She always knew the right thing to say when my so-called peers made me feel worthless due to my human heritage. I think she would know what to say to you.

I know that she would know what to say to Nyota. Amanda would understand this situation in a way that I could never comprehend. Out of seven pregnancies, I was the only successful live birth. However, Amanda is not available and I do not know anyone else who has encountered something similar. I do not count Lieutenant Sulu’s sister because I do not know her personally.

xxxxxxxxx  
Dear Spock:  
Have I mentioned how cute you are when you fall asleep with your therapy Journal in your arms? Of course I’m going to read what you wrote, especially when the stupid thing keeps jabbing me in the back.

Talking to Kevin is a good idea; just make sure there are no weapons around. I think he just needs to get used to the idea that you’re going to be in my life. Okay, I need to actually say a lot of the things I did in my letter to him in person. Even though she’s not my therapist anymore, do you think Dr. Suarez will referee? Dr. Margarita is not ready for that type of Kirk family insanity just yet.

Under normal circumstances, I would say to let Bones just get over himself, but he is having a lot to deal with. You actually think he’s being a dick because he’s jealous of you? Actually, that kind of makes sense. The whole thing is just so kindergarten. 

So when I get out of here today, I will have to make best friend fun time, especially because of the -- do you think he will allow me to drink if I’m taking him to get completely wasted to forget about the fact that his girlfriend miscarried? Alcohol is going to be necessary, especially when you add in the ex-wife situation.

Is it breaking doctor-patient confidentiality if I tell you something that Dr. Margarita told me? 

After I broke the PADD today or rather yesterday, she told me about a major loss that she had once. She was pregnant with her and her fiancé’s first child. Then there was an accident and she wasn’t pregnant anymore. She tried to call off the wedding, because she was convinced he wouldn’t love her anymore because she lost their child. It took her future husband forever to convince her that it didn’t matter. Convincing involved a quickie surprise wedding planned by our new wedding planner.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, maybe Dr. Margarita can help. Oh God, I can’t believe I’m referring crewmembers to Dr. Margarita. Okay, maybe I don’t hate the doctor that much. She’s definitely better than the last Dr. Cruz. By the way, I hope they are grilling you about his role in the entire cluster fuck that was the Vengeance incident and not trying to dig up dirt on me. I’m always going to believe they’re out to get me, because it’s true.

As for you, maybe you should write Amanda. Now that I wrote that first letter to Chris, I’m starting to feel less raw, if nothing else. It couldn’t hurt. Besides, you know that I will read it anyway, so it’s not that illogical. (Unless you don’t want me to read it, because I’m totally going to respect your privacy.)

PS: Can I have a new PADD now? There will be many blow jobs in it for you.

XXXXX  
Dear Amanda:  
Dr. Suarez has suggested that I write to you for several months, and yet, I have been unable to do so previously. However, if James can write a letter to Christopher, then I can write to you. Even though I know you are unaware of the goings-on of this world.

You have been gone for 13 months (I refuse to count the days and minutes since your passing any longer), and yet, some days it feels like it has only been minutes. I wanted to call you today. I think you may be the only one who can understand what Nyota is going through, and therefore the only one who can help me help her.

I remember being a child of 4.3 years and finding you crying in your rose garden. Five point two weeks prior to this, you and father informed me that I would be receiving a baby brother or sister in five months’ time. I was amenable to the ideal of having a new brother or sister, once I was informed that they would most likely treat me better than the half-brother I already had. However, after I found you crying in the garden, father informed me that I would no longer be receiving a new brother or sister.  
At 4, I did not understand the true gravity of the situation. I do not think I understood this at age 7, 10 or 13 when the scene repeated itself. I do not think I understood what it really meant when you stopped trying to conceive more children when I was 15. I do not think I understood what it really meant until today, when I held a crying Nyota. I recognize her pain as your pain and even then, I do not think I can understand what she feels right now, even if she allowed me to slip into her mind completely. Yet her pain washes over me and fills me up, even without contact. It is sharp and broken with jagged edges. The only time I felt something this sharp was when James lost Christopher. I wish you were here to tell me how to make her pain stop. It is consuming.

No, she did not lose my child. Contrary to the Enterprise rumor mill, we no longer have a physical relationship. However, she is my friend by the human definition. I care for her deeply. I am closer to no one except for James. Her pain hurts me. I need to make her feel better. I need to lessen her pain because she was there for me during two of the most painful experiences of my existence.

She was there for me when I lost you. Even when I pushed her away, she would not leave me. She got me help when I was drowning in grief for you. 

She was there again when I thought I had lost James. We were on a mission that went badly. The ship’s warp core went off-line and my bond mate sacrificed himself to get the system working again. I was there when he gave his last breath. I felt the radiation… I am unable to express what I felt in Standard or Vulcan. There are no words to describe that type of pain. Then I felt our bond break apart. All I wanted was the blood of the man responsible for his death. It was Nyota’s voice in my mind that kept me from taking my vengeance, because doing so would have taken the only means of bringing James back to me. It reminded me of hearing you when…  
I think I now understand why I have experienced Nyota’s lost so profoundly.  
xxxxxxxx  
From: SpockX  
To: mental_health_help_desk_ T_Weston  
cc: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

Subject: Question regarding types of accidental bonds between Vulcans and non-Vulcans  
Time sent: 6/24/2259 07:43:54  
Is it possible to form an unintentional familial bond (non-bond mate bond) with somebody who is not of your blood? Especially if this individual is a species other than Vulcan. Would the probability of forming such a bond increase under extreme circumstances, such as the temporary death of your bond mate? Would the existence of a previous physical relationship facilitate such a bond?

To be continued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note about updates on all stories: Last night I took my computer in to be repaired because I worked on a story for six hours Saturday and the evil computer did not save any of my changes. I should get it back in two weeks but it may take longer. This means I will be using the backup computer with very outdated voice recognition software. Updates will be slow for a while on some stories. Thankfully for the lovers of this story it’s very easy for me to write pieces of it on my iPhone.
> 
> *My beta T'Purr and I decided that given Spock’s personality and language skills he would use the Klingon spelling, even in private correspondence. However, other characters, except for Nyota, will be using the Anglicized spelling of ‘Kronos’.


	21. Inappropriate Use of Ship Email

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or review the last chapter. All of you should be very thankful for the App DocsToGo right now. Because of that and the fact that the voice recognition on the iPhone is more reliable than what I have on my backup computer, I was able to write this chapter on my iPhone as I patiently wait for my computer to come back. (When this chapter was undergoing proofreading with the wonderful T’Purr, it was determined that my computer was too sick to be repaired and the insurance gave me a new computer.)
> 
> I also want to say that I’m glad many of you felt that I am treating the difficult subject of dealing with a miscarriage in an accurate and tasteful way. I felt if I was going to do this story line I needed to do it right. In addition, this is not something that’s just going to go away after a chapter or two. At least two characters in this story have been forever changed by the loss of their child.  
> For those of you that are concerned, yes there will be a chapter later on in the story where Bones and Nyota do talk about what's going on and I really do mean "talk" however it may take a little while to get there. (Even longer than I originally planned because it's so much easier to write email chapters on an iPhone.)
> 
> Also, when working on this chapter I realized that I put the wrong date for the last letter. Spock sent that letter the morning of June 24 not 25th. I have altered the date stamp accordingly.

Xxxxxx

From: McCoyL  
To: mental_health_help_desk_ T_Weston; mental_health_help_desk_Suarez  


Subject: Re: Question regarding types of accidental bonds between Vulcans and non-Vulcans  
Time sent: 6/24/2259 08:01:54

 

Why am I CCed on stuff like this?  I already have enough to worry about right now without finding out that my girlfriend may have accidentally married someone else.

 

Why is this just coming out now?I thought the whole reason why you are here was to figure out why the hobgoblin went into a coma for days while his significant other was near death?I may not be familiar with all that Vulcan mind mumbo jumbo, but even I think this could be a contributing factor.We need to discuss this and I'm not going to go back-and-forth in emails about this all morning.Can both of you meet me at my office at 9:00 AM?

Xxxx

From: mental_health_help_desk_ T_Weston  
To: McCoyL, mental_health_help_desk_Suarez  


Subject: Re: Question regarding types of accidental bonds between Vulcans and non-Vulcans  
Time sent: 6/24/2259 08:17:12

 

I'm amenable to such discussions taking place in person.  Vulcan familial bonds (which are completely different from a marriage bond) are complex in nature and it is difficult to explain, especially in writing.  It will take dozens of pages just to give you a basic understanding of how these bonds form normally, let alone how they can form spontaneously under certain circumstances.

 

However, I can tell you that it is more common for familial bonds (also known as an adoption bond) to form without the aid of a mind healer then T'hy'la bonds, although it is still a rare occurrence.  Only 51 such cases have been documented and only one time has such an incident occurred between a Vulcan and non-Vulcan, and that was a recent occurrence.  In addition, the individual involved was a mind healer and the subject believes that she subconsciously assisted in the bond’s creation.

 

Considering that Mr. Spock had already formed the latter type of bond with a non-Vulcan, it is highly possible that he can form familial bonds spontaneously, especially under extreme distress.Given what happened, I see it as entirely possible that Mr. Spock formed a familial bond with the first person who touched him and with whom he had a strong emotional attachment, after James died.

I find this situation probable because first, one of the only other documented cases of a spontaneous marriage bond was initially thought to be an accidental familial bond that occurred under similar circumstances.  In addition, the spontaneous familial bond I spoke of earlier between a Vulcan and the human actually occurred between my nephew and me in the immediate aftermath of his mother’s death, after we engaged in a hug.  Psychically, I see him as another one of my children.

My nephew's babysitter will not arrive until 9:15 AM.  May we please reschedule for 10 AM?

 

Xxxxxxx

From: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez  
To: McCoyL  


Subject: Re: Question regarding types of accidental bonds between Vulcans and non-Vulcans  
Time sent: 6/24/2259 08:18:23

 

It's the suicide prevention protocol and, as chief medical officer, you’re the automatic recipient of e-mail alerts.Mr. Spock is still on the ‘watchlist’ from before and even if he was not, I would put him back on the list right now with everything going on with Jim.If you remember correctly, you were BCCd on his emails to me after the great kiss incident last November.

 

I can see why getting one of these emails from someone you’re close to may be uncomfortable.I suggest designating one of the other physicians aboard the Enterprise to receive emails from your friends and lover.  Because of what happened yesterday, I'm going to have to put an alert on your girlfriend.(Jim was also added to the list recently due to his attempted suicide by warp core.)Let me just say how happy I am that you refer to her as your girlfriend again in your earlier e-mail, even if you did so out of a place of anger.

 

It's hard to be objective when the patient is someone that you really care about or love greatly. You don't always make the best decisions regarding care. That is part of the reason why I have turned over Jim's care to Margarita.  You don’t have to decide anything right now.  We can talk more about that in person.  I can meet at 9:00 AM or later.

Although are you really up to coming in today? You don't have to. You lost a kid too. You don't have to be Overly Logical Unfeeling Doctor. It's okay if you want to take a personal day. There are other doctors that can take care of your patients. Don't push yourself. You can't be a good doctor if you're falling apart.

Xxxx

From: McCoyL  
To: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez  


Subject: Re: Question regarding types of accidental bonds between Vulcans and non-Vulcans  
Time sent: 6/25/2259 08:37:21

 

I'm fine. It’s not the first time I’ve had to deal with a major loss. The day the wicked witch served me with divorce papers, I went right in to work. 

 

I have no trouble meeting with you and Dr. Weston at 10 this morning.I'm fine.A good doctor knows how to compartmentalize.Besides, I am already here and I don’t trust Jim’s discharge to anyone else.

 

Nyota wanted me to come in today anyway, even though I know she is nowhere near fine. Okay, she wouldn’t let me stay and she definitely won’t let me call Spock. I’m just glad that Carol’s girlfriend is staying at the apartment right now because otherwise... I don’t know what I would’ve done.

 

Can you please schedule an emergency session with her? She tried to hide it, but I found her crying in the bathroom this morning. I tried to talk to her about it and it was a disaster. The only thing I got out of her was that she loves me and on any other day, I think I would completely celebrate that accomplishment but right now...

 

Okay, the real reason why I am worried is that she woke me up this morning with a blowjob.  Due to accidentally reading several emails that I’m not entirely sure she ever intended for me to read because Jim is a passive aggressive toddler, I discovered that she uses sex as a coping mechanism. Even though I’m not that type of doctor, I know that’s not the best coping mechanism, especially because she’s not supposed to engage in vaginal intercourse for the next two weeks or until the bleeding stops. 

Xxxx

From: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez  
  
To: McCoyL, mental_health_help_desk_ T_Weston

Subject: Re: Question regarding types of accidental bonds between Vulcans and non-Vulcans  
Time sent: 6/24/2259 08:59:12

 

10 AM works for me. I will bring bagels as well as good coffee and we can have all these conversations in person instead of over e-mail. There are just some things you cannot talk about in an e-mail.

Xxxx

From: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez  
  
To: UhuraNX

Subject: When can we schedule your next appointment?  
Time sent: 6/24/2259 09:14:32

 

I would love for us to meet today, but since Jim is getting out of the hospital, I’m sure you feel like spending time with your friend. But if you need to talk to me immediately, my mailbox is always open to you. You also have my number. When you’re up to it I would like to schedule a session sooner rather than later. It would be good to see you before Jim’s ‘thank god you’re not dead party’ on June 27. (Who came up with that title?)

 

Is it true that the welcome back party is happening at the house of the Admiral who-- I’m not even sure how to phrase that question. Admiral Marcus has created a horrible workload for me. I’m not sure if I would want to party in his former house, although I’m sure I’m on the guest list. 

 

I was told that you’re taking a personal day which is good. I’m glad you took my advice. Okay, if you actually did show up today, Admiral Pike was planning personally to escort you off the premises.

 

Anyway, please let me or Nurse Yu know when you would like to schedule a session.

Xxxxxxxx

From: McCoyL,  
To: SpockX

Subject: Re: Question regarding types of accidental bonds between Vulcans and non-Vulcans  
Time sent: 6/24/2259 12:23:12

 

Do you know that when you send an emergency email to any of the Enterprise psychology staff (both women have been temporarily made staff members due to the Stacy Cruz situation) the system BCCs the ship’s Chief Medical Officer, if you are an individual who has a history of severe mental issues? It's part of the suicide prevention protocols put in a couple years ago after -- these protocols were put into effect after my girlfriend’s best friend blew his brains out. Considering your behavior last year after your mom’s death and the fact that you barely left your husband’s hospital room during the last week, you are covered by the suicide protocol.

 

I hate the Vulcan mind.That was not an email I wanted to read first thing in the morning, especially right now.After a very long meeting with Dr. Weston, I now understand that you did not accidentally engage in Vulcan polygamy with my girlfriend.Maybe I should be happy that your mind sees my girlfriend as your psychic little sister, in an incestuous way.

 

I'm from the south. I can make that sort of joke.

 

Dr. Weston wants to look in both your minds to see if your hypothesis is correct (which it probably is, because you’re just a special Vulcan snowflake) but I don’t think this is something we can do at the moment.Nyota is not ready for something like that.

 

She won't even talk to me about what happened yesterday, not after her initial crying jag last night. I seriously doubt she is going to let some almost stranger poke about in her mind. I don’t even think she would let you do it. (I don’t know how she knows, but she knows that you called me and she’s a little mad at you.) I’m not even sure she would be willing to have another session with Dr. Suarez at the moment. I just don’t know.

Xxxx

From: SpockX  
To: McCoyL

Subject: Re: Question regarding types of accidental bonds between Vulcans and non-Vulcans  
Time sent: 6/24/2259 12:45:23

 

As I have tried to assure you multiple times, I am no longer sexually attracted to Nyota. Actually, I never found Nyota sexually stimulating, only mentally stimulating. I have since discovered that I am more attracted to men than women. However, I was in the place emotionally where I craved comfort and she offered it willingly. Eventually, I realized that that type of behavior was inappropriate and I ended our sexual relationship right away. I have since realized that such actions only temporarily mask the pain, they do not allow you to deal with it. I will not engage in that behavior again, even if it would bring my friend peace.

 

If it will not cause Nyota additional harm, I see no point in immediately confirming my hypothesis. Dr. Weston will be on earth for at least the next three months dealing with the affairs of her deceased sister-in-law and dealing with the custody situation with her nephew. We have time. I defer to you on all matters medical.

 

I am pleased that you are referring to Nyota as your girlfriend again, I am just saddened that it took such circumstances for you to be able to reconcile.Once more, I can only offer my condolences.

 

I saw firsthand how emotionally draining the loss of an unborn child could be.My mother had six miscarriages; two before my birth and four afterward.The loss of life took an extreme emotional toll on Amanda.I remember seeing her cry for days.But my father had no reaction.

 

As a child, I misinterpreted his non-visible reaction as a lack of emotions regarding for my mother, but now I see that he was trying to be, as humans say, ‘the strong one’.I have no doubt that you will try to take this role with Nyota, but that is not necessary, at least not with me.If you want to discuss what happened with somebody, I am available.James is also available.He wants to know that if he takes you out drinking, will he be allowed to partake of alcohol?James feels that you need a night of mass alcohol consumption to deal with your emotions regarding your ex-wife trying to prevent you from even visiting your daughter during our stay on earth.

 

On another note, James was informed by Lieutenant Sulu that others are planning to give James a, and I quote, ‘thank god you're not dead’ party. We both feel that such a celebration would be inappropriate at this time. The title alone is somewhat disrespectful to those who actually lost their life in the conflict. Second, James does not feel ready to interact with so many crewmembers. Despite my best efforts, James is still overwhelmed by guilt. Even though his actions saved the lives of every single one of us, he feels that if he had made different choices, he would have never been placed in a position where he would have no other option but to sacrifice his life.

 

It would also be distasteful to celebrate when others are still in a state of mourning.For example, the memorial services for Christopher Pike have yet to take place.  In addition, you yourself are in the state of mourning, whether you choose to acknowledge it or not.

xxxxx

From: McCoyL  
To: SpockX  


Subject: Re: Question regarding types of accidental bonds between Vulcans and non-Vulcans  
Time sent: 6/24/2259 13:56:26

If your toddler of a future husband wants to invite me to drinks, he can invite me himself.Jim's a big boy, even if he refuses to act like it sometimes.  I was just in his room 15 minutes ago to deal with discharge papers.If he wants to take me to a bar, I'm not going to say no, especially if he is paying.However, he is just going to have to watch.As I told him a few minutes ago, no alcohol for at least three weeks.It will interact with some of his medication.

 

I will send an e-mail to Sulu to cancel the party.We can use the fact that Jim is not allowed to drink as an excuse to do it.It would be in bad taste to throw a party where the guest of honor cannot get drunk.I'll even try to talk to Sulu about changing the name of this shindig to something doesn’t upset your delegate Vulcan sensibilities.

As for the bond thing, you should talk to Dr. Weston directly. When it comes to medical things and Nyota, I have been making some very shitty choices. I should've just dragged her to Dr. Phillips myself the second I started to suspect something was wrong instead of getting you involved. I made the wrong fucking choice. I acted like a fucking teenager afraid of getting his feelings hurt and not a goddamn doctor.

 

I'm a doctor, dammit! I'm supposed to help people and I couldn't save my unborn child. Fuck!

 

I keep thinking that if we were not fighting, maybe I would have noticed something sooner. Maybe if she was getting prenatal care, this wouldn't have happened. Maybe if I wasn't stuck being interrogated about how Jim didn't die, I would...

Xxxx

From: McCoyL  
To: SpockX  


Subject:  Message recalled: Question regarding types of accidental bonds between Vulcans and non-Vulcans  
Time sent: 6/24/2259 13:57:12

 

This message has been recalled.

xxxxx

From: McCoyL  
To: SpockX  


Subject: Re: Question regarding types of accidental bonds between Vulcans and non-Vulcans  
Time sent: 6/24/2259 14:02:16

God damn fucking voice recognition software. You just breathe the wrong damn way and it sends your email. Now I understand how your other half could have sent all those accidental emails.

Just ignore everything in that last email after I suggested canceling the party on grounds of the fact that Jim cannot drink. I was just saying some stuff to the fucking annoying PADD that I wasn't actually going to send. Just forget what I wrote. Fucking technology

 

Xxxxxx

From: SpockX  
To: McCoyL  


Subject: Re: Question regarding types of accidental bonds between Vulcans and non-Vulcans  
Time sent: 6/24/2259 14:21:32

 

James said that he would invite you out for drinks himself, but because I will not give him a new PADD until we arrive home (within the hour), he is unable to invite you himself. Apparently, my fiancé has forgotten how to do basic things such as extend an invitation for drinks without the use of PADD. However, if you do not want to accompany James to drink, I can schedule a group session with you and Dr. Margarita Cruz.

 

Yes, please contact Lt. Sulu about rescheduling the party. I think four weeks from now would be sufficient.

 

I will not address the things in your previous message that you did not want me to be aware of. However, I believe you should speak with Dr. Suarez about this if you do not feel comfortable speaking with James or me. As a fellow physician, she may have an alternative perspective.

Xxxx

From: McCoyL  
To: SpockX  


Subject: Re: Question regarding types of accidental bonds between Vulcans and non-Vulcans  
Time sent: 6/24/2259 16:03:32

 

It is never a good thing when you, Mr. Therapy Dodger himself, are suggesting group therapy.Maybe I can get drinks with Jimmy in a day or two.I don't want to leave Nyota alone right now, and she's still a little upset at you for telling me about everything in the first place (which is why she went ahead with plans to move into the Marcus property even though half of her stuff is still in your apartment).

 

I assume that your toddler of a boyfriend now has his toy back. Tell him to email me or, I don't know, pick up his communicator and actually call me. Heaven forbid we actually have a conversation.

xxxxxxx

From: McCoyL  
To: SuluHG  


Subject: Do you really think this is the right time to throw Jim a party?  
Time sent: 6/24/2259 15:15:26

 

In light of the fact that Jim cannot drink right now and the hobgoblin finds it in extremely bad taste for us to celebrate Jim being alive when so many others died during the Vengeance Incident, I think it would be best to cancel the party. You could always reschedule the party for next month under a name that will not ruffle any Vulcan feathers. Seriously, what idiot came up with the title for Jim's welcome home party?

Xxx

From: SuluHG  
To: McCoyL

Subject: Re:  Do you really think this is the right time to throw Jim a party?  
Time sent: 6/24/2259 18:12:26

Actually that idiot would be our fearless leader. I think he's doing that self-deprecating thing where he pretends to take nothing seriously because he's freaking out on the inside. You know how Jim is. He’s good at what he does, but he thinks he's terrible, but he pretends like he knows he really is that awesome. I think only a handful of us know how vulnerable he really is underneath the Jim Kirk swagger. I'm sure being raked over by the Idiots That Be is not going to help his self-esteem issues.

 

I can see your point. I just think people wanted to celebrate something (and Carol wanted it at her house to probably piss off her father’s spirit and exorcise it from the property). It's been a long couple of days, especially with the interrogations. Since Jim has his first turn tomorrow, we thought we would do something to cheer him up afterwards (I decided that we should wait until the 27th because we know the interrogation is going to go on for days). But you're right, it's not a good idea to have an all-out Enterprise party especially with that title.  We are trying not to look like a bunch of teenagers who should still be at the academy.

 

If Jim and Spock are not already married by that point, maybe we could do an engagement party instead?We never really had time to celebrate their engagement on the ship.First, there was the Vulcan assignment, then the volcano incident, and then Jim almost did something that guaranteed there wasn't going to be a wedding to celebrate.

 

I was talking to Jim yesterday during monopoly (by the way you could've joined us) and he kind of feels like all of Starfleet is against him and Spock. Even you're not completely on board with the relationship (not that this is the best time to mention that, but do bear that in mind). Maybe it would help Jim if he knew people actually cared and supported him.  I'm sure the other members of the party committee will agree with my idea, but I'll talk to them before I send out the cancellation e-mail.

 

Speaking of making sure people know that other people really do care about you, I may have heard certain things during yesterday's monopoly game that I probably shouldn't have and so I know…

 

So my sister and her husband lost a child last year and my sister took it pretty--well, at first it was really difficult for her, but after a lot of crying and breaking things she was better (at least in front of me). I mean she was sad for a while, but my brother-in-law took it a lot harder--I think he is still seeing a therapist. They also both joined this support group. It was really helpful. I could give you the name if you want?

 

If that is not your thing, I could come over with pizza and beer, good beer and real pizza. Okay, anything non-replicate is good at this point. Now that Jim is out of the hospital, please tell me you're going to start working somewhat normal hours? You don't need to be super doctor.

 

Xxxx

From: McCoyL

To:  SuluHG  


Subject: Re:  Doyou really think this is the right time to throw Jim a party?  
Time sent: 6/24/2259 18:29:32

 

I'm fine. Although give me the name of the support group. I like to keep stuff like that on hand for patients anyway. I'm not sure Nyota is up for company but when she's ready, I'll let you know. I never turn down real pizza, but I don't want to leave her alone right now. Just give us a couple of days.

 

Xxx

From: SuluHG  
To: Ship_activities_Enterprise_DG

CC: Enterprise_users_DG

Subject: The cancellation of the ‘thank god Jim Kirk is not dead’ party.

  
Time sent: 6/24/2259 20:30:26

 

Due to the fact that our esteemed leader cannot consume alcohol for the next three weeks (and we don't want to give Starfleet another reason to think we're all incompetent toddlers), it was decided that the party scheduled for June 27 will not be happening.  

 

Instead, please mark your calendars for the "Congratulations Jim and Spock on your engagement” party that we hope to have some time during the third week of July.  More details will follow soon.

 

We are now accepting volunteers to help organize this event. I have been informed by Ambassador Selek of New Vulcan that the event will be taking place at the Vulcan embassy and Spock's father will be in attendance. Therefore, the party committee will need all the help we can get, especially from the wonderful officers from protocol.

Xxxxx       

From: PineWC

To: YuZQ

CC: Enterprise_users_DG

Subject: RE: The cancellation of the ‘thank god Jim Kirk is not dead’ party.

  
Time sent: 6/25/2259 00:15:12

 

This is so unfair, Zagir.You know that we are losing a great party because First Officer's Pet lost their evil hybrid spawn.It’s true.My friend Janine works in Dr. Phillips office right now and she told me about the whole thing.So congratulations, your plan to expose the fact that the ship slut was cheating on your Crush worked, even if there were unintended consequences such as the party of the year being canceled.

 

You know that's the real reason why the party was canceled.I’m willing to put money on the future engagement party not happening ever.I expect that relationship to fall apart any minute.The First Officer is screwing the ex-girlfriend and I heard that the Captain was doing these two girls, that I will only refer to as the kitty cat twins, the night somebody finally had the good sense to take the ship away from him.There are pictures.Seriously, how do people like that end up in charge of the ship?

Xxx

 From: YuZQ

To: PineWC;

CC: Enterprise_users_DG

Subject: RE: The cancellation of the ‘thank god Jim Kirk is not dead’ party.

 

Time sent: 6/25/2259 00:20:12

Two words, Whitney: open relationship.It's disgusting.People like that shouldn't be in charge of starships.You and I both know that Jim got his captaincy the same way the First Officer's pet got the position of Chief Communications Officer instead of you, on their knees.

 

Switching out her birth control so everyone would realize what a whore she is wasn't that hard.I'm so glad I helped Stacy get those idiots in trouble.It wasn't that hard to lose Dr. Suarez's original reports or send K her secret files from her special therapy PADD that's not on the network.Gary is going to make a much better captain and Leonard will be all mine once he knows the truth about the slut.

Xxxxxx

From: SpockX

To: PineWC; YuZQ

CC: Enterprise_L; Starfleet security; SF_ops_center_Vengeance_task_force

BCC: PikeNX; KirkJT; mental_health_help_desk_Suarez, Enterprise_Senior_Staff

Subject: Please do not use reply to all

 

Time sent: 6/25/2259 00:25:12

          

If you are going to discuss things that are untrue, please remember not to CC the entire ship. I have forwarded this correspondence to the committee investigating Stacy Cruz’s role in attacks on Starfleet installations in San Francisco and London. Please do not try to recall your messages because it would be futile at this point.

XXX

From: SpockX

To: McCoyL

Subject: Inappropriate use of ship email

Time sent: 6/25/2259 00:45:12

I think it would be advantageous to remove Nyota’s PADD from her before she reads any inappropriate comments from certain crewmembers. I am currently trying to create a program that will filter out such correspondence, but it may take a while. Jim said he will take care of the emails that are already in her account as soon as our conference call with Admiral Pike on this matter concludes. For the sake of plausible deniability, I choose not to ask him to elaborate.

Xxxx

From: McCoyL

To: SpockX

Subject: Re: Inappropriate use of ship email

Time sent: 6/25/2259 02:32:12

 

Too late. Andrew Marcus’ Starship replica collection is currently in pieces across the front lawn and Nyota has locked herself in our room. Although she was kind enough to throw pillow and blanket at me first.

The accidental CC wasn’t even the worst of it. The same two idiots, Pine and Yu, had the balls to send a condolence email directly to her as well. I knew Nurse Yu had a crush on me and was upset about my relationship with Nyota, but I didn't think she would do something like fucking with a patient's birth control.  That alone could result in her losing her nursing license in addition to getting kicked out of Starfleet. That's not even taking into account the stuff she did with Dr. Suarez’s confidential patient records. This is going to be a nightmare and unlike the Christine situation, we're going to have to go through official channels because everybody on the ship knows what happened.

I’m currently trying to calm Nyota down or at least get her to unlock the bedroom door. Suggestions?

Xxxxxx

From: SpockX

To: McCoyL

Subject: Re: inappropriate use of ship email

Time sent: 6/25/2259 2:54:12

 

She is partial to toffee chocolate cookies. I also suggest calling Dr. Suarez. She needs to know about the unauthorized access of her confidential patient files, if nothing else.

Xxxxx

From: McCoyL

To: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

 

Subject: Re:  Why are you not picking up your phone right now?

Time sent: 6/25/2259 04:36:23

 

I need to talk to you because I cannot get my girlfriend out of her room because we work with idiots who are too dumb to realize that they replied to the entire ship. Also, do you have any idea where I can get toffee chocolate chip cookies at 4:35 in the morning?

Xxxxxx

From: Spock_fucker_59

To: PineWC; YuZQ

BCC: Spock_Grayson*

Subject: How did you guys pass the Starfleet entrance exam?

 

Time sent: 6/25/2259 06:12:26

 

It’s so wonderful to know that the only good thing about my survival is it is a good excuse to throw a party. I may have many faults, but at least I’m smart enough not to reply to all to boast about my evil schemes. Do you realize that Starfleet monitors all email?

 

I was dealing with angry phone calls from half of Starfleet within 15 seconds of what you sent out. Seriously, Stacy and Gary? You have absolutely horrible taste and McCoy would not touch you with a ten-foot pole. You are one billionth of the woman that Nyota is. You are not good enough to lick her shoes.

 

Over the last few days as I recovered from saving everyone, including the ungrateful such as yourselves, I started to wonder why I ever wanted to be a Starfleet captain in the first place, or if I even still wanted to be one. Thanks to people like Nero and Marcus, Starfleet is no longer the peacekeeping scientific exploring organization we once were. However, your comments made me realize that if I left, I would just be allowing self-serving people like K and Gary to take over. That’s not going to happen.

 

So thank you for giving me a reason to fight again. Now excuse me, I have a Starfleet hearing to get to. Although considering some of the things you said, I have a feeling that both of you will be joining me very soon.

 

PS: this message will disappear from your mailbox and all Starfleet servers in 30 seconds.Unlike you, I know how to cover my tracks.

PPS: don't even try taking a screenshot because it's just not possible.

To be continued

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick reminder, there are lots of emails going back and forth between everyone and you will not get to see all of them, just some of the really juicy ones. If I included everything this story would end up at least 300,000 words.
> 
> *Spock_Grayson is Spock's private e-mail address that Jim uses mostly for e-mail sex.


	22. mental_health_help_desk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. I’m glad everyone loved the twist with the accidental emails sent out by two very jealous crewmembers. That whole thing was inspired by something that actually happened to me one time at work. However, I was the subject of the inappropriate email, not the person sending it. That’s going to have major repercussions for later parts of the story.
> 
>  
> 
> This is another one of those chapters that I wrote the draft of on my iPhone during the wait to get my new computer, but I did not start proofreading until after I received the new computer. Originally it was going to be part of the last chapter but I just decided that this conversation should be by itself and I wanted to end with Jim’s letter. That is why this is a bit shorter than my normal chapters.
> 
>  
> 
> Also in light of recent events (the death of Robin Williams possibly due to depression) I felt I needed to add a preface for this chapter because there may be some lines that could now be a bigger trigger than originally intended. A major theme of this story is struggling with depression and mental illness. However, another theme is getting help when you need it and the consequences of what happens when you don’t. I’ve lost good friends to this disease of depression. The Marc situation in this story is based on one of those instances. This week my sister is in the hospital again because of mental illness, but at least she’s in the hospital getting treatment.
> 
>  
> 
> I thought about including this information before on this story but I don’t think I ever did. If you’re struggling and you need help, in the U.S. you can call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

 

From: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

To: McCoyL,

 

Subject: Re:  Why are you not picking up your phone right now?

Time sent: 6/25/2259 08:18:23

 

Sorry I didn’t pick up. I’ve been dealing with the fallout caused by Christine Chapel’s replacement leaking very confidential patient files, even my secret files that I won’t let Starfleet touch. Nurse Yu--I don’t even want to talk about it. Actually I’m not even sure I can talk about it with you. Because you and Jim are directly involved, others such as myself are going to have to be in charge of the discipline process. Even I think I’m there more as a witness than anything else. It’s an absolute mess.

I can be there in 15 minutes if you need me to be. Are you at the old Marcus house?

 

* * *

 

From: McCoyL

To: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez   


Subject: Re: why are you not picking up your phone right now?   
Time sent: 6/25/2259 08:24:12

  
Yes, she already moved into Carol’s new place. She also spent most of last night destroying Alexander Marcus’ prize ship replica collection. I’m sure Carol won’t be that upset about it because she hated that collection.

 

I don’t think you need to come by anymore. Nyota just walked out of the bedroom completely dressed and ready for work. She is presently in the kitchen making pancakes because it’s a ‘pancake day’.

 

* * *

 

From: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez   
To: McCoyL

 

Subject: Re: why are you not picking up your phone right now?

  
Time sent: 6/25/2259 08:28:45

 

I think I should still come over. Actually, I think it’s more necessary than before that I come over. Nyota has yet to reply to my latest therapy request. I am worried about her and that was before I found out about the destruction of the starship replicas.

 

It is also my professional opinion that she’s not ready to go back to work, especially considering that most of her work consists of the Stacy Cruz investigation.

 

* * *

 

From: McCoyL

To: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

 

Subject: Re: why are you not picking up your phone right now?

Time sent: 6/25/2259 09:01:12

 

She already left for HQ about five minutes ago after I tried to convince her not to go into work today, so I don’t think it would do any good. Apparently me telling her that it wasn’t medically sound for her to go in this morning was the wrong thing to say. She told me I could either be her boyfriend or her doctor, but I couldn’t be both. She’s right about that. I really don’t know what I’m doing with her. I can’t treat her like any other patient because she’s not my patient.

 

When did you realize that you couldn't be Jim’s therapist anymore?

* * *

 

From: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez   
To: McCoyL   


Subject: Re: why are you not picking up your phone right now?  
Time sent: 6/25/2259 11:01:23

 

When I got the phone call from Nhi telling me that Jim was dead. Even though she said he was in cryo-freeze and you were working on a way to bring him back, I felt like my whole world had just been shattered. It was like losing Alayna all over again. I think that's when I realized that Jim Kirk was more than just my patient, he was the closest thing I'll ever have to a child. I once had a patient kill himself in front of me and it didn't hurt as bad as finding out Jim was dead. I felt broken inside. I don’t think I stopped feeling that way until Jim woke up.

 

I think that before that, I was starting to realize that there was a conflict of interest. I mean, I gave him my wife's grandfather's ring to give to his future husband. I knew that was breaking the rules and yet I did it anyway. I think that’s why I left without putting up much of a fight.

 

I'm sure you remember the golden rule from medical ethics class, “don't fuck your patients and don't treat people that you fucked”. Although, maybe that's just the golden rule for the psychology program. I don't know. The better way to phrase it is “don't become emotionally involved with your patients” and I don't think it's possible to not become emotionally involved with Jim Kirk.

 

* * *

 

From: McCoyL

To: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

 

Subject: Re: why are you not picking up your phone right now?

Time sent: 6/25/2259 12:01:12

 

Well, I follow that rule about as well as Jim follows any other rule. Yes, they do give a variation of that in surgeon school but they used “don't perform surgery on your own daughter”. I'm sure the same sentiment is there.

 

I'm not sure if I made the right call with Nyota. I am a god damn doctor, but I couldn't save my own damn kid. I keep wondering if I had done things differently, would my baby still be here. If we weren't fighting, I would've been there and I would have noticed immediately that something wasn't right. Maybe if she was receiving prenatal care it wouldn't have--or maybe if I dragged her to see Dr. Phillips immediately instead of asking Spock to take care of it. Maybe I should've just gone over there with a tri-corder and-- And now knowing that the whole thing was caused by Nurse Yu’s unhealthy obsession… If I had just chosen a different nurse to replace Christine, we wouldn’t be here at all right now. But in the end, I still couldn't save my own child.

 

I almost didn't save Jim. He only survived because I did something that I can't even talk about here because it’s just that damn classified. What if the procedure has completely unknown side effects? What if one day, because of what I did, Jim goes completely crazy and starts murdering us in our sleep?

 

I haven’t been able to sleep a lot lately because I am so worried about everything, thinking of all the ways I could do things differently. Was I being selfish? Did I make the right call? I don’t know.

 

* * *

 

From: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

To: McCoyL

 

Subject: Re: why are you not picking up your phone right now?

Time sent: 6/25/2259 12:3:12

 

We really should do an M&M* on the whole Jim Kirk surviving the warp core thing, but since what you did to bring him back is so classified, you, me, and Dr. Weston may be the only people able to actually attend. Also, because there are people on Enterprise that really can’t keep secrets, like the soon to be former Starfleet nurse who was arrested 15 minutes ago on suspicion of terrorism and conspiracy, it’s best that as few people as possible know what really happened.

 

When it comes to Jim, I don't know if it was the ethical thing to do, but it was the right thing to do. Despite the possible consequences, I would have done the same thing. But as we discussed earlier, we both know I am unbelievably biased.

 

As for what happened with the baby, it’s dangerous to play the what-if game. As doctors, it’s normal for us to do this, especially when a life is lost, but it’s possible that even in the 23rd century there was not anything that you could have done. I know it’s hard sometimes to accept that, but sometimes that’s the only way you can stay sane.

 

Do you want me to set up an appointment with Dr. Margarita for you? She specializes in this sort of thing. She's had a ton of experience in this area. I could even schedule a group session. However, I'm not sure who you need a group session with more: Jim, Spock, or your girlfriend.

 

* * *

 

_*From Wikipedia: Morbidity and mortality (M &M) conference, a periodic conference in many medical centers usually held to review cases with poor or avoidable outcomes._

 

* * *

 

From: McCoyL

To: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

 

Subject: Re: why are you not picking up your phone right now?

Time sent: 6/25/2259 13:01:12

 

I saw the women be dragged out of here in person. It was the highlight of my morning. I’m kind of surprised they are working so fast.

 

I'm not a therapy person, but if I don't go, I'll never be able to send another patient to one of your colleagues again.  In light of that, I’m willing to work with Dr. Margarita Cruz.

 

If you’re going to schedule a group session, it should probably be me and Jim because I’m not sure what to say to Nyota. How do you even begin that conversation? I tried yesterday before a soon-to-be former work colleague said nasty things about my girlfriend, but we didn’t get very far. Instead, we ended up talking for 20 minutes about trying this new Vulcan fusion restaurant a couple of blocks away.

* * *

 

From: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

To: McCoyL

 

Subject: Re: why are you not picking up your phone right now?

Time sent: 6/25/2259 09:01:12

 

I know you're very familiar with my letter writing exercise due to the fact you have received some of those letters by accident, but you're probably not aware of the genesis of it. I've had a lot of patients who have trouble saying how they feel. When they write things down in a journal or as a letter, they are able to express how they feel, but the unexpected benefit is that writing lets you collect your thoughts and get out how you actually feel about the situation. A lot of my patients realize that once they've written it down, it's a lot easier to say these things to the person who needs to hear them.

 

You are not my patient and you don't have to do this, but I left a therapy journal on your desk yesterday. Actually, I left a few. I figured your girlfriend may need a spare notebook. Write down what you're thinking right now. Just put it on paper and get those feelings out there somewhere. That way, when you sit down with Dr. Margarita or Nyota, you will be in a better place to say what you're thinking.

 

* * *

 

From: McCoyL

To: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

 

Subject: Re: why are you not picking up your phone right now?

Time sent: 6/25/2259 13:34:12

 

I'll think about it. Also, I think we do need to figure out some way to do an M & M regarding the Vengeance Incident for the entire Enterprise med staff. (In addition to everybody going back through the training module on patient confidentiality.) That entire disaster was definitely a teachable moment if nothing else.

 

* * *

 

From: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez  
  
To: UhuraNX

Subject: Appointment reminder  
Time sent: 6/25/2259 14:17:12

 

Okay, obviously letting you choose when you want to come in is not working. You have yet to respond to my last e-mail. I’m worried about you. I’ve never felt the type of loss that you’re going through right now, but have dealt with an extreme loss. I buried my wife. It’s not the same type of pain, but it was an extreme loss.  I didn’t want to talk to anybody for days. I also gave in to a lot of bad coping mechanisms that I shouldn’t have. I drank a lot during those first few days. I realize now that wasn’t the best way to deal with everything.

 

You need to speak to somebody, but it doesn’t have to be me. Dr. Margarita is available and unlike me, she has experienced the type of loss that you’re experiencing right now.

 

Anyway, today I found out that they’re sending me back to Vulcan in about a month, despite everything that's going on. Part of the reason is that Dr. Weston needs to stay planet-side for a while to take care of her sister-in-law’s estate and other affairs. Because I will not be serving on Enterprise in any permanent capacity again, I think it would be a good idea to start transitioning patients to Dr. Margarita. In your case, I think we should start the transition process sooner. Dr. Margarita has experience with helping those with parental abandonment issues, PTSD, and extreme loss such as a miscarriage. She has been where you are right now and she has come out of it on the other side.

 

Also, I think it would be a good idea if Leonard came as well. This is something that you and he have to deal with together. My new assistant, who will respect the rights of my patients, has scheduled an appointment for all of us to meet on the 27th at 10:00 AM.  Let me know if this time works, otherwise we will reschedule, but this meeting will happen.

 

* * *

 

From: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

To: McCoyL

 

Subject: Group Therapy for All

Time sent: 6/25/2259 14:34:12

 

I just sent your girlfriend a request to meet with me and Dr. Margarita on the 27 at 10:00 AM.  Let’s just see if she will agree to a group session. By the way, I expect you to be there.

 

To be continued.

 

 


	23. I’m fine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. Also thank you to everyone who left words of encouragement for my sister. She’s out of the hospital now. 
> 
> Once again we are encountering some sensitive subject matter in this chapter, but that's pretty much been a running theme for the story.
> 
> Warnings: Discussions of miscarriages, a certain near death experience that was only near death thanks to miracle blood, and suicide.

 

From: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

 

To: KirkJT

 

Time sent: 6/25/2259 08:34:31

 

Subject: I apologize for the fact that my nurse was evil and was part of the plot to screw us all over.

 

If I weren't dealing with another potential emergency, I would be at your house this morning to tell you this in person, but that's not going to be possible. Therefore I am writing this email, so you won't be blindsided at today's hearings from hell.

 

You remember that, much like my wife, I keep two sets of notes. One set is the standard stuff that goes into your official Starfleet psychiatric evaluation and the other is important things about my patients that I’m never going to tell Starfleet. I know you know about this because you’re the one who created the security for that device. Anyway, I made notes in my special PADD about the dreams you were having about Spock dying in the warp core. Unfortunately, Nurse Yu not only managed to get past your security, she provided that information to the former doctor, now terrorist suspect, Stacy Cruz. She gave that information to Marcus and his other accomplices. It is believed that they purposely chose to sabotage Enterprise in a way that could lead to a psychological trigger for you. Although they probably have no idea that things would parallel so much. Personally, I think this was a case of self-fulfilling prophecy, but you can talk to Margarita about that.

 

Actually, pretty much everything related to the volcano incident and the Vengeance incident was created with your psych profiles, your real psych profiles, in mind. You were chosen for that particular mission because they knew that Spock would not let another civilization die, because of what happened to his own people, and would therefore do something that they could use against you (like violating the Prime Directive). There's even evidence to suggest that the volcanic activity on that planet was artificially triggered. They're still investigating (and because there are so afraid of violating the Prime Directive again we may never know the answer).

 

Needless to say, Marcus and his cronies were willing to do anything to start war with the Klingons and I mean anything. He saw you and the crew of the Enterprise as nothing more than chess pieces, to be sacrificed at will.

 

I'm sorry that my records were used for such purposes.

XXXXX

From: KirkJT

 

To: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

 

Time sent: 6/25/2259 17:27:31

 

Subject: I think you need to apologize to Nyota more than me

 

Too late. I didn't get to read your message until after they told me during the hearing. Although it was more of a briefing than I expected it to be. I appreciate that you tried to give me a heads up. However, I have a feeling that even if I knew what happened beforehand I probably still would've broken something anyway. Those water glasses at the meeting were very fragile.

 

I understand why you couldn’t stop by the house this morning. I have a feeling that the patient who is in the middle of a psychological emergency is probably Nyota, so I'll let it go this time. It's nice that at least one of us still gets to be your patient. I'll reserve my annoyance and irritation for my next appointment with Dr. Margarita because that’s how you want our relationship to be now.

 

Excuse me I have to check up on my chief communications officer.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

From: KirkJT

 

To: UhuraNX

Subject: You're fabulous.

 

Time sent: 6/25/2259 18:21:19

Please do not listen to jealous morons who are not worthy of kissing your feet. We both know that you got your job because you're the best linguist in Starfleet. We would all be dead if it weren’t for your language skills, especially with Romulan and Klingon.

 

You also have awesome management skills. I don't know anyone else who can keep their department running as well as you do. You're actually the one supervisor that I have to liaison with the least because you know what you're doing. Let's not even talk about how much time I have to spend babysitting engineering. I've never had to worry about that with you. I told that to the Idiots That Be during today's wonderful, wonderful hearing. Yes, they did ask about the sex allegation, but they were really nice about it, thankfully.

 

The good news is they're not all out to get me. However, they are working on getting that Admiral that we shall not speak of. Apparently this whole thing was some stupid conspiracy to...

 

Actually, never mind, you don't need to hear all that right now. Right now you need me to stick to positive stuff and affirming that you are beautiful and awesome and the most powerful woman I have ever worked with. You are a total bad ass.

 

Did I ever tell you the real reason why I never ever considered making a move on Spock when I thought you two were still together?

 

First, I respect you too much to take your boyfriend. You were too good of a person for me to do something like that to. He was yours and I wasn’t going to do anything to hurt that.

 

The other reason was I didn't think I could compete with somebody like you. You're brilliant. Yes, I'm a genius, but your brilliance transcends that. You speak languages that I will mangle horribly. And you're brave. You locked yourself in an elevator with a psychotic Vulcan just to get him to seek treatment. Let's not even talk about you going head-to-head with the Klingons, but that was truly a moment of awesomeness. Okay, so I may have told the Idiots That Be about that as well. They were impressed (and angry as hell that we ended up in that position in the first place, if my grasp of ancient Chinese curse words is anything to go by).

 

I know I haven't talked about it, even with Spock, about that last letter I wrote you, but I wrote it because I knew you would take care of him if I didn't make it. You have always been a good friend to me and to him. I knew you would not allow Spock to hide within himself again. You wouldn't let him crumble after Amanda died, and from what I've heard, you wouldn't let him do the same thing after me being an idiot in the warp core. When I was dying, one of the few things that comforted me was knowing that Spock would have you and you would always have his back and be there for him. I could leave this world knowing that he would be okay because of you. Spock is the most important thing in the world to me, and I trusted you completely to make sure he would be okay when I was gone.

 

And contrary to what certain idiotic nurses believe, I don't worry about you and Spock having sex. First, I trust both of you and I know that if you were sleeping together, I would be there as a participant or at the very least you would send me a video file. Okay, I would be sitting at the front of the bed, if I wasn't a direct participant.

 

Unfortunately, we lost our window to have a three-way. Somehow you managed to fall in love with Bones. He's a good guy when he's not being a dick. I hope you guys are working things out, or at the very least he's with you right now.

 

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, you are awesome. Don't let anybody tell you that you're not awesome. If they tell you that you're not awesome, tell them to get fucked. Don’t listen to their negativity because they’re just jealous of the awesomeness that is you. You’re better than them. You’re better than all of us.

 

PS: Spock is really really sorry for violating your trust by telling Bones about the thing, but Spock knew that you needed him there. He promises to get you chocolate and shoes. Could you maybe just call my boyfriend and put him out of his misery. Spock is really scared that you may never forgive him.

xxxxxx

From: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

 

To: KirkJT

 

Time sent: 6/25/2259 19:25:01

 

Subject: Jim, stop being a toddler. Mommy, still loves you and that’s why she can’t be your doctor anymore.

 

Seriously, do you always have to act like a kindergartner? I do not need you having a hissy fit right now. I'm not working with you, not because I don't want to or because I don’t care. The problem is I care too much. Working with you has emotionally compromised me. I've tried to explain this to you 1000 times, but you are the most stubborn individual I have ever met and that includes my deceased wife. I can't be your doctor because I see you as my son. I care about you too much to keep the proper emotional distance required of any physician.

 

I knew our relationship wasn’t normal for a while, but when Nhi told me of your death, I felt like I lost my wife again. I collapsed to the ground. I couldn’t stop crying. You were never just my patient. You were the son I wished I had. I don’t know how you did it, but you made your way into my heart before I even realized it. You talked me out of retirement hell, you talked me into rehab. I would not be approaching three years of sobriety without your intervention.

 

In my business, I have had a lot of patients that died and unfortunately, it’s usually at their own hands. I actually had a patient commit suicide in front of me. She jumped off a bridge and I couldn’t reach her before she-- and yet that did not affect me the way finding out you died did. I didn’t come out of it until you were actually breathing again. I was a complete mess. This was when I acknowledged that I could not see you again in a therapeutic role. We can’t have that relationship.

 

I care about you too much for you not to get the help that you need. You need a therapist that you can’t wrap around your little finger, and that can’t be me.

 

PS: I can’t tell you what patient I’m working with; however, if you would like to send Nyota an email, that may be good.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

From: KirkJT

 

To: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

 

Time sent: 6/25/2259 23:07:14

 

Subject: You were always a better mom than Winona, but it wouldn’t take much.

 

Already done and still no response. Spock is up next. Although, maybe she’s completely avoiding email because of what happened yesterday. I don’t blame her. I think I would have developed an aversion to email after something like that. I spoke to Leonard earlier and he said she’s getting dozens of condolence emails. (You’ll be happy to know that Bones and I are doing appetizers tomorrow, mostly because I’m not allowed to drink.)

 

That doesn’t surprise me. When I was little, I kind of wished I was your son. I wasn’t used to being around two people that actually loved each other. You were one of the first functioning marriages I’d ever seen. I always wished I could just stay on your couch and not go back to Frank. It was always so much better in your house. Alayna always had fresh cookies. Nobody touched me. It was a good place.

 

I will be the first one to admit that our relationship is closer than normal, but can’t you still be my therapist too? Margarita is great for the rest of the ship, but I have too much baggage. I don’t understand why we have to break up because things are too personal now. Things have always been personal.

 

You know I have trust issues. I’m just not ready to start all over again. It’s even worse after the Stacy Cruz incident. He broke into your files and used information I told you in confidence to completely fuck with me and my crew. How can I trust anybody else again?

xxxxxxx

From: SpockX

 

To: UhuraNX

 

Subject: I apologize for overstepping the boundaries of our friendship.

 

Time Sent: 6/26/2259 00:05:54

I apologize for overstepping the boundaries of our friendship by alerting Leonard to you being under medical care. Due to the nature of your hospitalization, I thought it was best for him to be there to provide emotional support. I was overwhelmed by the emotions that you were displaying and I thought Leonard was the proper party to help you. Again, I am sorry for overstepping my boundaries.

 

I also apologize that others have assumed that our friendship is the only reason you received your position on Enterprise. As you know, I went so far as to assign you to another ship originally just to avoid the appearance of impropriety. I am pleased that you convinced me otherwise. However, I would prefer that other people to not be questioning your abilities. You are a skilled communications officer. You have mastered languages that have taken others decades to understand.

 

If you would like to decrease our interactions in public to prevent certain rumors from occurring, I would be amenable. I do not want to put an undue burden upon you just because of our friendship.

Xxxxxx

From: ChapelCN2

 

To: UhuraNX

 

Subject: Please see photo attached of that horrible, horrible woman being dragged out of Starfleet medical.

Time sent: 6/26/2259 00:17:12

I would’ve written sooner, but the time difference is ridiculous right now. It’s lunchtime for me now. A friend sent me this picture and I thought you could use some cheering up. The best part is Yu being so shocked that they would arrest her. I absolutely hated her at the Academy. Although, she hated me because I was also pre-med. Sorry my leaving led to her….

 

I'm really sorry that I fucked up with the Spock situation. Because if I was still there, you wouldn't be in pain right now. I'm sorry that my supposed colleague did that to you and Leonard. It wasn't right and it definitely wasn't fair. I am trying to see if I can get to earth anytime soon, but I don't think it's going to happen (even with my aunt trying to pull some strings).

 

I'm worried about you and Carol. Is she doing better? Have they released her from the hospital? Let me know what’s going on. I always worry about you and Carol when I can’t be there. Things are just so messy right now and I wish I could just be there to hug both of you.

xxxxxxx

From: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

 

To: KirkJT

 

Time sent: 6/26/2259 05:27:31

 

Subject: I did not break up with you

I did not break up with you. I did not say that we have to stop being friends or that I’m never going to speak to you again. I just can’t see you in a therapeutic capacity.

 

I know you don’t trust easily. It took you months to trust Alayna and even longer to trust me. Because of what happened with Stacy Cruz, I realize it will be difficult to trust any therapist again. He did a very bad thing. He broke the sacred trust that every psychologist has with his or her patients.

 

I came to the conclusion that I can be your psychologist or I can be your pseudo-mother, but I can’t be both. Dr. Margarita can do the heavy lifting therapy wise. And I’ve realized that because of what Stacy Cruz did, it might be hard to trust again, but Dr. Margarita is not Stacy Cruz. You can still tell me things, but I will be giving you advice as a friend and not your doctor.

 

With Winona back in the hospital, I think you need a mom more than you need a psychologist. You need someone to tell you that the Starfleet admirals are being absolute ass holes. You need someone to help you pick out wedding invitations and convince you that yes, it’s okay to wait 3 months for the wedding because Spock isn’t going to disappear. You need someone to praise you and tell you that you are doing a good job. I can do that in the role of pseudo-mom. I can’t do that as Dr. Suarez.

 

I don’t even think it’s possible for us to have a normal doctor-patient relationship. It stopped being a normal relationship the first time you showed up at our house and we let you spend the night on the couch. That’s the real reason why I left Enterprise without putting up much of a fight. Although, if I knew my replacement was part of one of the biggest conspiracies in Federation history, I would have tried harder.

 

I think you may be right about Nyota avoiding email. The only thing I can tell you is keep reaching out to her. Let her know that you’re available and that you’re willing to be there even if it is just to hold her hand as she cries. Sometimes that’s the only way you can help somebody get through this. You just need to be there in any way that she will let you. Just don’t give up if she pushes you away at first.

xxxxxxxxxxx

From: KirkJT

 

To: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

 

Time sent: 6/26/2259 06:02:31

 

Subject: If I don’t hear from her soon I am hacking her account.

Xxxxxxxx

From: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

 

To: KirkJT

 

Time sent: 6/26/2259 06:05:21

 

Subject: RE: If I don’t hear from her soon I am hacking her account.

Fair enough.

Xxxxxx

From: UhuraNX

 

To: ChapelCN2

 

Subject: Things Are Better

Time sent: 6/25/2259 7:17:12

Hey, I’m in Starfleet too. I understand ridiculous time differences. Are you 12 hours ahead or behind?

 

Thank you for the pictures. They helped a little. Don’t blame yourself for the stupidity of others. That’s become my mantra lately.

 

Things are better. Yes, they just released Carol from the hospital yesterday my time. We're going to have a little welcome home thing with maybe some ice cream in a day or two, but not something big. I’m not sure how much I can take right now.

 

She is back with Rebecca which is a good thing. The woman is a sweetie pie and her cookies are so good. Rebecca has been very nice to me. She has been one of the people who has not been crowding me or making me feel like an invalid. We spent a lot of time a couple of days ago just watching movies and just hanging out.

 

Okay, Rebecca also told me the real reason why they broke up. I have issues with my parents but hey, at least they never threatened my significant other with expulsion from Starfleet unless they called off the relationship. Just when I don’t think it’s possible for my opinion of Alexander Marcus to get any lower, I find out something like this. Now, I’m really happy I destroyed his toy starship collection.

Xxxxxxx

From: UhuraNX

 

To: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

 

Subject: Re: Group Therapy for All

Time sent: 6/23/2259 07:47:24

I’m fine. I had a couple of bad days, but I’m good now. I woke up this morning, had tea with Ambassador Selek, and managed to get through another debriefing with my father without throwing anything or screaming that I lost his first grandchild because my uterus hates me. It probably helped that the entire session focused on Admiral K.

 

I don’t need more help. I don’t want to see Dr. Margarita. Actually I don’t want to see a therapist. At least not in an official capacity. I know it wasn’t your fault that a certain nurse who will remain nameless used our psych files against us but… I’m going to have a really hard time trusting anyone in your profession again.

XXXXXX

From: ChapelCN2

 

To: UhuraNX

 

Subject: Re: Things Are Better

Time sent: 6/26/2259 09:01:27

I’m not even sure half the time. I think its tomorrow here. Now that you are back in California the difference is 14 hours. It doesn’t matter; I am Starfleet and premed. What is sleep?

 

Marcus doing that doesn’t surprise me. Her father has always been a dick. I’m glad they’re back together. Becky always brings out the best in her. I’m also happy Carol is back home.

 

But I want to know how you are. What is really going on in that head of yours? I mean, even before everything that happened with the baby, you had been focusing too much energy on other people. You can only give so much before you burn out. I don’t want you to burn out.

xxxxxxxxx

From: UhuraNX

 

To: ChapelCN2

 

Subject: Re: Things Are Better

Time sent: 6/26/2259 10:03:12

Look, I am okay. Okay, I'm not okay, but I don't need to be treated with kid gloves. I'm almost fine. I'm getting closer to fine every day. I'm at work again today and it’s going better than yesterday. Everyone's telling me to take it easy, but I just want to go back to normal. I just want it to be like it was before.

xxxxxxxxx

From: UhuraNX

 

To: SpockX

 

Subject: Re: I apologize for overstepping the boundaries of our relationship.

 

Time Sent: 6/26/2259 10:37:54

I will never stop being your friend just because some extremely jealous idiots are spreading nasty rumors about us or inferring the wrong thing about our closeness. If they have trouble grasping the idea that a relationship as close as ours can be strictly platonic, that's their problem, not mine and not yours. They are only acting that way because they've never had the pleasure of having that type of intimacy with anyone in their entire life. I feel sorry for them.

 

Now, if you had asked me right after Leonard showed up in my hospital room if I still wanted to be your friend, I may have had a very different answer, but it's been a few days and I realize you did the right thing. I'm still a little upset that you did the exact opposite of what I told you to do, but you did what I needed you to do, which means that you were just being a really good friend.

 

You always have my back, just like I always have yours, even when you do things that I don't want you to do. Considering how I bullied you into therapy and pretty much forced you to stop acting like an idiot with Jim, I guess we’re even. So thank you for forcing me to deal with this.

 

Give me another day or two to -- I don't know sulk-- lament--get used to the numbness. I'm a linguistics expert and I don't even know how to articulate what I'm feeling. Just give me a little time and then maybe we can do lunch. But no pizza. You have no idea how many people have shown up at my desk with a slice or an entire pie. Even my mom.

 

So it turns out I am not an only child just because of Starfleet regulations, but because mom was pregnant with my new brother or sister and something went badly on a mission, and you get where I'm going with this. Apparently that's also when they decided I would be better off with grandma then being on the ship because they didn't want to lose another child. Why did they never tell me this in therapy? I think that I would have been less bitter if I had thought they cared about me at all.

 

Anyway I’ll call you when I’m ready for something not pizza.

PS: Thank you for the email filter. Now I only have to deal with emails from my actual friends, which is still overwhelming, but only because I just realized I have more friends than I thought I did.

Xxxxxxxx

From: UhuraNX

 

To: KirkJT

 

 

Subject: I know I’m awesome, but did you really have to include the word in the letter that many times?

Time sent: 6/26/2259 10:46:11

 

Seriously Jim, how many “awesomes” can you put in one letter? I'm okay. I know you're worried. Everybody's worried, but it's not like I'm going to pull a Marc. I'm not that bad. I don't think I'll ever be that bad. I don't even know how somebody could ever get to that place.

 

I’m definitely not going to let the ignorant words of people I don’t know or really care about hurt me. They’re not worth it.

 

PS: Did you convince Leonard to do the therapy Journal homework assignment? There is a trashcan filled with actual paper in my brand-new office. Is it wrong that I’m enjoying taking over Alexander Marcus’ former office so much?

Xxxxxx

From: ChapelCN2

 

To: UhuraNX

 

Subject: Re: Things Are Better

Time sent: 6/26/2259 11:03:12

That's never going to happen. Too much has happened. Things can't be like they were before, but maybe you'll get to a new good. You never know.

 

And with that I am going to sleep now.

xxxxx

From: mental_health_help_desk_Margarita

 

To: UhuraNX

 

Subject: Greetings from the new Enterprise psychologist.

Time sent: 6/26/2259 14:17:12

Since you are very close friends with Captain Kirk, you’re probably aware that I will be the new Enterprise psychologist. I will be taking over for Dr. Suarez and the predecessor we do not speak of. Because of the predecessor that we do not speak of, I realize that a lot of the crew of Enterprise are going to be wary of me. I want to assure you that I’m not my predecessor and what you tell me will not be used against you.

 

Instead of a formal session, I thought we could try something like tea or coffee. Just so we can get comfortable with each other before Dr. Suarez leaves. Let me know what time you prefer.

xxxxxxxx

From: UhuraNX

 

To: mental_health_help_desk_Margarita

CC: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

 

Subject: I’m fine.

 

Time sent: 6/26/2259 14:34:12

I don’t need a new therapist. I’m not even sure if I need more therapy. I definitely do not need more tea or ice cream or chocolate cookies or pizza. I miscarried. Why is everybody bringing me pizza? It is not a magical cure-all.

 

I don’t need you. I do have friends who do not keep records that Starfleet can use against me in the future. I’m also on speaking terms with my boyfriend and actually referring to him as my boyfriend, so I think things are good.

PS: Did you create a new email address just for Enterprise?

xxxxxxxxx

From: mental_health_help_desk_Margarita

 

To: UhuraNX

Subject: No you’re not, but you’ll get there eventually

 

Time sent: 6/25/2259 14:56:34

Yes. I’m well aware that nobody on Enterprise will trust anyone with that last name. I thought about going by my maiden name, but Dr. Margarita just sounds cooler. I really have no trouble being known as Dr. Margarita, especially if it makes my patients more comfortable. I can’t undo what Stacy Cruz did to all of you, but I will try as hard as possible to earn the trust of everyone on board, including you.

 

I’m glad that things with Dr. McCoy are less tumultuous and that you have a good support system. I know…

 

I don’t get the pizza thing, either. When I lost Christian, I think everybody in the neighborhood brought something over. We had casseroles for a week. The food didn’t make me hurt any less, but the fact that people cared enough to feed me did. It’s not about the food, it’s about people showing that they care. And I know it’s hard to let people in when you fell this miserable, but it’s important.

 

If you want to talk to somebody about this who has actually been there, I am available. Call me and I’ll be there.

I will see you tomorrow at Dr. Suarez’s mandatory session. I don’t think she will let you out of it.

xxxxxxxxxxx

From: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

 

To: UhuraNX

 

Subject: Re: Group Therapy for All

Time sent: 6/26/2259 15:18:22

Nice try. I’ll stop by your office tomorrow. I have no trouble whatsoever escorting you to therapy. You can’t hide forever.

xxxxxxxxxxx

From: KirkJT

 

To: UhuraNX

 

Time sent: 6/26/2259 18:21:11

 

Subject: Marc probably thought the same thing.

I did not give Bones a therapy Journal. Although, honestly it couldn’t hurt.

 

Lots of people think they will never get to that point, but they do, even though we live in a society that now has Sanity in a hypo.

 

Actually, it’s very easy to get to a Marc point. I was 11 years old and I was tired of everything. My mom wasn't there and even when she was she was already a complete mess. Half the time Sam was the grown-up in charge. My stepfather was beating me every night-- actually it was worse than that. Other than Spock (and a court of law), I don't think I ever told this to anyone before, but my stepfather's abuse was also sexual and that’s all I’m going to say.

 

I just got so tired and felt like there was never going to be any way out of it. That there was nothing I could do to ever change my fate. So one day I just gave up. I stole the key to my father’s vintage convertible before Frank could sell the car and decided to crash it over a cliff while still inside. Basically, I decided to screw Frank over before I went.

 

However, at the last minute something inside of me made me grab that ledge. And I'm glad I did grab it, because if I hadn't I would have missed so many wonderful things, like meeting Spock or becoming your friend. Getting to explore the galaxy is also pretty cool. If I had not grabbed that ledge, none of that would’ve ever happened. After that incident, I promised myself that I would never give up again.

 

If I could get to that point, then anybody could get to that point, even you. That's why I am taking the time to tell you that you are awesome and there are people that care about you. Things will get better, just don’t do anything rash In the meantime.

 

PS: You may want to check the trashcan. You really don’t want to know how much paper I went through in the course of writing my letter to Chris. Knowing Bones as well as I do, I’m sure there’s at least 20 drafts in there.

 

PSS: I promise to return Bones to you only slightly drunk.

xxxxxxxxxxx

From: UhuraNX

 

To: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

 

Subject: Re: Group Therapy for All

Time sent: 6/26/2259 18:27:23

Fine, you win.

XXXXX

From: UhuraNX

 

To: KirkJT

 

Time saved: 6/26/2259 19:05:11

 

Subject: I think someone should take his own advice.

Xxxxxxxxxxx

She stared at the screen for a long time, not sure what to write. She felt like making some smart ass comments about the entire warp core fiasco, but decided not to. She really hated it when Jim was right.

 

She gave up trying to respond after half an hour. Okay she may have thrown the PADD at the nearest wall, but somehow it landed in the overstuffed trashcan. Really, she had no choice but to fish it out. Just as Jim predicted, there were dozens of attempts at writing to her inside. Of course she grabbed one and started to read. If Leonard did not want her to look at the unfinished letters, he should have known better than to leave the crumpled attempts in her office.

To be continued

 


	24. We Are Absolute Shit At Talking To Each Other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. Also thank you to everybody that has left kudos, put the story on their favorites, or are following. All these little things keep me in the creative zone.
> 
> Wow! Finally, a chapter without emails of any type. Our characters are going to actually speak to each other, in person. It's a miracle. 
> 
> Originally, I was going to cover all of these conversations in one chapter. However, as I was writing I decided it would be best to separate each of these important conversations. We may have three or four small chapters (by my standards) as opposed to one massive 10,000 word + chapter. I figured this is easier on my voice and my wonderful beta that way. It means less waiting for you guys anywhere. As a consequence we will not be getting back to Nyota for a chapter or two because Bones needs to deal with his Jim issues first. Before we can even get to that, Jim needs to deal with some of his Spock/abandonment issues. But I am really going to try to update more than normal. Smaller chapters mean I probably can get more done. I’m almost done with one of my stories, so that means less writing.
> 
> Originally, I was not planning to count the email only sections as actual chapters. However, at this point I have completely lost count because we've done so many email chapters in succession as well as the fact that I ended a few of the email sections with dialogue. Therefore, I'm just not going to do chapter numbers for the story. Let’s be honest, nothing about the format of the story has been traditional.

"Who are you emailing?" Spock asked as he walked into their bedroom. Jim quickly pulled him down to the bed for a quick kiss, by his standards anyway. After spending the day in various debriefings away from each other, Jim was glad for the physical contact. If it weren’t for Bones, Spock would be naked right now.

 

"Nyota. Our emotionally distraught friend is finally emailing again, although she's a little annoyed at me." Honestly, he was expecting a ‘fuck you’ email at any moment. Actually, he had already received a ‘fuck you’ email. Jim had finally had time to read her response to his ‘in case I die’ email. Considering the fallout, those letters may not have been such a great idea.

 

"I'm aware. She emailed me earlier. We are to have dinner in a few days at an establishment that does not serve pizza. She also states that she wishes to still be my friend despite the rumors circulating about our relationship being something other than platonic,” Spock said as he got up from their bed and walked over to the closet.

 

“That’s progress at least.” Jim was less worried about her now in light of the fact that she was willing to hang out with Spock. He would like to take that as a sign that she was not completely in a state of despair. He really didn’t want to deal with anyone else in a state like that. Growing up with Winona was enough for a lifetime.

 

“What type of attire should I wear to this evening's gathering?" Spock held a pair of blue jeans dubiously. To this day Jim was shocked that he even got his Significant Other to purchase such a garment.

 

"I am wearing jeans and a T-shirt, but considering the way you’re looking at those blue jeans, I don’t expect you to ever wear them except for sexy times that probably involve role-play. Although, since you agreed to not go with me, you could put on the jeans and just look pretty for when I get home,” Jim smirked, although he knew full well that Spock was trying to get out of their earlier agreement.

 

“What would be the point in doing so considering you are not allowed to engage in sexual activities of any kind? In light of that, I will wear khakis.” Again that was another wardrobe item that took Jim great effort to convince Spock to buy. During their time on planet maybe he could take Spock out for sexy dressing room fun.

 

“You’re still not coming,” Jim said forcefully as he walked over to Spock and placed the clothing right back in the closet. “Bones and I are less likely to snipe at each other or throw things at one another without you there." Especially since Spock would probably be the major subject of their conversation. Actually, Jim was afraid that Spock and Bones would start sniping at each other and Bones would end up being nerve pinched before the appetizers actually showed up.

 

"I prefer that you not go to the establishment alone." Spock kissed his hand and Jim sighed.

 

He really should not be surprised. Spock had been clingy. From the stuff in the diary he knew that Spock was afraid that this whole thing was a dream and that Jim would disappear at any moment. Jim understood because he had felt that way for most of their relationship. Of course, neither one of them would ever, ever say that out loud. They really were shit at talking to one another and needed to read each other’s diaries just to function halfway normally.

 

“Bones will be there and I'm still a big boy that can handle a phaser." Jim could still pick up on the apprehension in Spock's body language. Okay, the fact that his boyfriend was squeezing his hand just a little bit tighter made that obvious.

 

“I know you’re worried and somewhere in that Vulcan brain of yours you’re afraid I’m going to disappear, but you know that is not going to happen. You let me go to the Starfleet briefings by myself." To reassure Spock, Jim gave him a quick peck on the lips. Okay, it was anything but quick and there were tongues and groping involved. “I will be fine.” Considering the dark look Spock was now giving him, he probably should have chosen a different adjective.

 

“Please, do not go into the fact that that term has multiple meanings. In this case it means I’m probably not going to end up dead before the end of dinner. I did make it back to you safe and sound after the briefing from hell.”

 

In Jim’s mind that had an even less certain outcome than appetizers with Bones. Before he knew about the great conspiracy, he expected The Idiots That Be to cart him off to jail or something like that. Now Jim was the number one witness for the sake of trying to figure out how corrupt Starfleet really was.

 

“I was not given an option in the matter. I was specifically ordered not to accompany you to the hearings due to the fact that certain members of the Admiralty were concerned that we may influence the testimony of one another." Jim sighed. He was this close to going to Federation_jobs to see what he could get with his security clearance and computer skills. The Department of Intergalactic Diplomacy had to be less fucked up.

 

"It's because they're assholes," Jim mumbled under his breath. “They’re also morons for not considering the fact that we would have just consulted with each other beforehand. We live together in Starfleet sanctioned housing.”

 

"I did argue that, but Admiral Chan felt we would speak more freely when we were not in the presence of one another."

‘Which is the whole reason why I don’t want you to come tonight, but I will not say that out loud because you’re being unreasonable.’ Unfortunately, he completely forgot that Spock could pick up on what he was thinking when they were holding hands, and now they were no longer holding hands. Fuck!

 

“It’s not that I don’t want you there or that I’m going to talk badly about you behind your back. You know that I love you,” Jim said, trying to save himself from the wrath of Spock.

 

“You have said so 783 times during the course of our relationship, if I count the instances in the correspondence that you allowed me to read but didn’t necessarily intend for me to read,” Spock responded matter-of-factly.

 

“You have actually -- I should not find that surprising at all.” Jim just shook his head. “I get that you’re worried. I’m not facing a firing squad. It's appetizers or maybe dinner with Bones. I'm going to be at the bar…” Bones had wanted to meet at a certain dive bar only three blocks away from Jim and Spock’s apartment, but Jim didn’t think he could ever go to that bar again. It would remind Jim too much of Chris and his last attempt to rescue Jim from his own stupidity. Chris was dead because K wanted power and Marcus wanted a war. It was in Jim’s best interest not to go to a place that reminded him of all those things, especially one that had whiskey on tap.

“Okay, not the bar a couple blocks away, but Zachary’s Haven. You know, the one with the good appetizers that you always drag me to because you like their fried zucchini and mozzarella." Because Spock being Spock, he hated the dive bar. However, bring him to any place that serves fried zucchini and he was a very happy Vulcan.

 

“Okay, maybe that would give you another reason to tag along. I promise to bring you said zucchini and mozzarella balls if you do not follow me." Jim actually gave him the puppy dog eyes.

 

“Bribery will not work. Your safety is paramont.” Of course he should know that the puppy dog eyes barely worked on Spock.

 

“What if I gave you a blowjob?” Now this always worked on Spock.

 

“We are not allowed to engage in sexual intercourse for 3.2 more weeks.” Even Jim could pick up a tiny bit of irritation in Spock's voice.

 

“No, I am not allowed to have sex for 3.2 more weeks. However, you can come as much as you want. I just want to make sure that you come to me for those orgasms." ‘Because I really can’t take you leaving me for someone else.’ That last part was only said mentally and he purposely made sure he wasn’t touching Spock before mumbling something like that in his mind.

 

“Why would I go elsewhere?” Considering the look that Jim was receiving, maybe that part came through anyway.

 

“Because I’m not good enough for you. You can do so much better than me. You deserve someone who isn't as fucked up as I am, someone who doesn't have mommy baggage and now Chris baggage and stepdad-who-touched-him-in-the-wrong-way baggage. I have abandonment issues. My abandonment issues have abandonment issues. I'm so used to people leaving me. I even had therapist-related baggage even before Stacy Cruz completely fucked us over because of Alayna dying and Dr. Suarez running away to the colony,” Jim confessed. Spock’s response was to wrap to arms around him and pull Jim as close to him as possible.

 

“I have no desire to leave you.” He placed the kiss to Jim’s neck. “I have no desire to exist without you.” He moved to Jim’s lips. “This is the reason why I choose to accompany you. You have no self-preservation skills. I need to protect you.” If the situation weren’t so serious, Jim would start laughing.

 

“Yes, but that doesn't mean you have to follow me to my meeting with Bones. I need to deal with things alone, even if I would love to spend more time with you.” He stopped speaking just to kiss Spock again. “I mean, I never get to spend enough time with you, but I think Bones is jealous of you and…” It was at that moment that Jim actually got why Spock was freaking out so much.

 

“I think this is proof that we are meant for each other, because we are too screwed up for other people. I'm afraid of you leaving because everybody else left me behind at some point, and you're afraid that I'm going to get killed picking up...” Jim almost said the word ‘milk’, but then remembered what happened to his original favorite therapist and stopped speaking. Giving that example would just prove Spock's point.

 

“Dr. Alayna Suarez died on the way to the local convenience store in the process of procuring organic non-replicated milk due to a drunk driver.” Apparently, he hadn’t caught himself in time. “Considering that you are going to a drinking establishment, it is highly probable that you will encounter individuals who choose to drive themselves home instead of taking advantage of public transit."

 

“Spock, that is not the...” Jim started but couldn't continue because Spock kept talking.

 

“It is also irrational to assume that I will leave you just because of the lack of sexual intercourse.”

 

“What about the fact that I keep doing dumb things or that I am not on your level?” Jim shot back. “I don’t want you to resent me some day when you realize I'm just some illogical human that you got stuck with because of brain chemistry. I’m completely fucking this up. I don’t know how to…” Jim stopped talking when Spock’s mouth descended on his. At some point Spock may have pushed him down on the bed.

 

“It is difficult for me to say the words, but I love you,” Spock said once they broke apart. “When I was forced to deal with a reality where you were no longer alive, I realized it was a reality I wish never to deal with ever again. The experience was so painful that I have blocked it out of my mind. I do not want to be without you. I will not leave you. It is impossible for me to do so.” If Jim’s eyes were starting to water at that point, it was totally allergies.

 

“You know I wouldn't leave you voluntarily, but with the job we have, it's a possibility. Before recent events, that seemed abstract, but within a three week period of time you and I both had a near death experience. Actually, they used your potential death to manipulate me into my potential death experience.” Jim was still beyond angry about the fact that they used things he told Doctor Suarez in confidence to fuck with his mind.

 

“So far, there is no evidence that the perpetrators knew the warp core would fail in the way that it did.” Spock placed his lips to the crook of Jim’s neck again.

 

“Spock, they used the nightmares that I was having about you dying in the warp core to engineer this entire fiasco. That's all the proof I need. That’s the real reason why they brought Elder Spock down. They needed to know what my visions were about in context.” Jim sighed. "They used my love for you and my fear of losing you against me and I think they still are."

 

“Is this the real reason why you want the human marriage ceremony to happen so soon?” Spock asked, knowing him a little too well. Jim blamed the mental connection.

 

“Yes. Pretty much.” Jim let himself fall more into Spock’s embrace. “I've been in contact with Alexis and Shawn. There are no legal precedents for anybody using a Vulcan engagement/marriage/T’hy’la bond as proof of marriage for qualification for spousal assignments. We already saw with our temporary assignment to other ships that they are willing to not see it that way.”

 

“Which, according to both of our lawyers, violated several rules in Starfleet and is another charge against all parties involved in the conspiracy,” Spock pointed out, being logical.

 

“It’s still doesn't matter. I feel that we would have more legal protection if we were already married by human standards. They can’t dispute that.” Okay, they could, but Spock was kind enough not to bring that up.

 

“I propose a compromise.”

 

“And what will this compromise involve?”

 

“I will accompany you to the establishment, but will wait next-door in the coffee bar.” Jim was tempted to bang his head against Spock. However, this was as close to going alone as he was going to get.

 

“Knocking back triple shot hot chocolate by the gallon the entire time, probably,” Jim mumbled against Spock’s chest. “You know, there's a manicure place on the other side, you could always get a manicure.” Spock tilted his head up.

 

“The amount of direct hand contact with a complete stranger would make such an experience uncomfortable,” Spock said, a little annoyed. Jim could see how such an activity would be the Vulcan equivalent of a massage with a happy ending.

 

“Although if it was me, I bet you would like that.” Just for effect, Jim brought Spock’s hand up to his mouth and started to kiss every single finger. “I could give you a manicure, the best manicure ever. I bet I could make you come from just that.”

 

“I prefer to stay at the coffee bar.”

 

“Okay, this is a compromise I can deal with.” He moved his lips to Spock’s, but his kind-of husband pulled away. (Okay, maybe part of the reason why he wanted the human ceremony to happen soon was so he could figure out if he should use husband or boyfriend.)

 

“That is not the full extent of this compromise.”

 

“What else is there?” Jim asked impatiently, because he would like to get more kissing in before he had to meet Bones in 24 minutes.

 

“I do not want to rush our actual wedding plans just to accommodate the prejudicial opinions of those that consider marriage ceremonies of other cultures less valid.”

 

“Does this mean you now want the big wedding with pomp and circumstance? I was told by a little birdie that you did a lot of wedding planning while I was unconscious.” Surprisingly, it was Bones who mentioned that when Jim finally called him earlier.

 

“While I personally do not see the need for a large ceremony, it is apparent that others will not take our relationship seriously without such an event.” This was Spock Speak for ‘I’m tired of people talking about our relationship and I want to use the ceremony to get them to shut up’. “I would also like your mother to be well enough to attend and...”

 

“And considering how screwed up she is, that's going to be at least three or four months from now.” Jim was not completely sure if he wanted his mother there, but Kevin would want her there and he needed to pacify his little brother in some way. “Actually, the doctor said that she probably would not be ready to integrate back into general society until maybe Thanksgiving. She was off her meds before my little --thing. Hey, at least everything wasn't my fault.” Jim rubbed his forehead.

 

“You are not responsible for the actions of others. It was Winona’s decision to stop taking her medication and start drinking again. Therefore, all consequences including her peculiar behavior afterward are her responsibility.” Spock rubbed gentle circles against his back.

 

“Except when I am in charge of a starship,” Jim joked. “Mom can't take care of herself. She's not well enough; she hasn't been for a while. We're going to have to go to Iowa soon.” What Jim was really thinking about was what they were going to do about Winona when he went back to space. It only took Kevin being in school for a year for things to get this insane.

 

“As soon as your health has improved and the hearings are over.” Spock kissed his shoulder.

 

“I can live with that, considering the hearings may last until January, when Scotty believes he may have the ship functional again,” Jim joked. Jim was convinced that to make up for the fact that Starfleet screwed them over so spectacularly, they were getting extra resources to get Enterprise back in space in half the time of the original estimate.

 

“Then it would be logical for our wedding to take place in December right before the beginning of our five-year mission,” Spock proposed.

 

“We don't know if we’re even going to get to be back on Enterprise or if we are going to get the five-year mission. We don't even...” Spock quickly cut off his rambling with another searing kiss.

 

“I believe in you.” Spock pulled away slowly.

 

“It's nice to know someone does.” Jim slumped against Spock.

 

“However, to alleviate your fears, I am willing to make an appointment at the courthouse for the 28th.”

 

“What?” Jim asked confused.

 

“As I understand from my correspondence with Alexis, from a legal standpoint the marriage license is more important than the ceremony itself, especially considering our current circumstances. We can sign the marriage license now, but not have the actual wedding until December when our friends and family will be able to attend. Dr. Suarez already plans to return to Earth to spend the holiday season with her family. I know you want her at the actual ceremony and anything we plan now other then something at the courthouse would not occur until after she returned to the colony.”

 

“So you want to do something at the courthouse now and then have the real wedding when she comes back in December?” Jim asked for clarification.

 

“Exactly.”

 

“Okay,” Jim answered simply.

 

Spock did keep his word and did not follow Jim over to the bar. That was kind of surprising, considering Kevin and a bunch of his friends were already in the coffee bar when Spock got there. Jim decided it was best to get the hell out of there. See, this is why Spock should have gone with Jim’s manicure idea.

To be continued.


	25. Can We Really Have This Conversation Sober?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. I apologize for the longer than I wanted lag between updates. I had to finish a few of my other stories and a secret project (look for goodies from me on December 24). Also my parents came to visit which took away one of my weekends for prime writing time. However, I am now back to four stories and only a chapter away from finishing The Truth about Love. Therefore, I hope to stay on schedule again (barring getting distracted by another story).
> 
> From the comments for the last chapter I know some of you are very excited for the end of the email sections. There will probably only be one more section of all emails for the rest of the story, if I stick to my outline. Also if I stick to the outline we are probably only five or six chapters from the end of the story. Yes people, the end is near. Because much like last time what I had planned originally has been tossed out the window because the Muse wants what the Muse wants.

Is Spock surprised his husband abandoned him at the first sign of his brother’s presence? No. Such actions were completely logical given the fact that James was to meet Leonard McCoy in 3.2 minutes time at the establishment next door. Also considering recent arguments between the brothers, any interaction would take more than the 3.2 minutes allowed. In addition, Spock enjoys this particular coffee establishment and prefers not to be banned due to an altercation between brothers.

 

Is Spock deeply regretting his decision to come here instead of getting a manicure? No. He dislikes anyone else touching him other than James or Nyota. Being forced to make polite conversation with an individual that dislikes him is still preferable.

 

Spock is well aware that James’ brother does not like him. They spent enough time together during James’ incapacitation and hospitalization for that point to be very clear. He is well aware that the young man blames him for James’ almost-death. Maybe during the worst of his depression he felt that it was completely his fault and therefore would allow Kevin to flagellate him without defending himself.

 

But with the assistance of Dr. Suarez and the realization that the volcano incident was purposely designed to entice both him and James to do something to jeopardize their Starfleet careers and subsequently allow for reassignment, thereby creating a situation that would facilitate war with the Klingons, Spock no longer sees the situation in those terms. He did not participate in the conspiracy; therefore he is not responsible for James’ death. (The current cocktail of antidepressants he was on was helping immensely, along with repeating that at regular intervals as well.)

 

At the same time, Spock is logical enough to know that time with Kevin would undo all progress made with Dr. Suarez regarding his guilt. However, after 16 years with hostile peers that saw his human heritage as a disadvantage, Spock was well prepared to interact with people who dislike him. Therefore Spock went into the establishment, passed by Kevin without acknowledging him, ordered a hot chocolate with a double shot of syrup and a chocolate swirl on top along with a triple chocolate chunk brownie, and sat off to the side with PADD in hand. He hoped Kevin would just ignore him until James returned. He had several emails to return regarding the Vengeance Incident anyway. Work would keep him highly distracted.

 

Of course, halfway into hisbrownie,a young woman with curly hair, who had been sitting with Cadet Kirk, sat down in the seat across from him. Spock vaguely remembered Cadet Simmons from his Intro to Computer Programming class three semesters ago. He also remembered she was the only student upset by the fact that, in lieu of a final, they would all be graded on their work in the course so far, due to extenuating circumstances (also known as the fact that a great portion of their older classmates died in one of the greatest acts of terrorism in the Federation history). Spock also remembered her from James’ hospital room. He believed that on two occasions she brought Kevin sandwiches and a change of clothes.

 

“So is it true that Vulcans can get completely wasted on hot chocolate or is that one of those culturally inappropriate urban legends?” Cadet Simmons finally asked. This question doesn’t surprise him. If he remembers correctly, she was always one of his more inquisitive students.

 

“There is some truth to that. However, being partially of human heritage, I have a higher tolerance than most Vulcans. Also, because of that, I am slightly susceptible to alcohol,” Spock replied curtly, taking another bite of brownie.

 

"So a mudslide is your drink?” the cadet smirked.

 

“Perhaps.” He took another drink of hot chocolate.

 

"So how many brownies would it take for you to be able to have a civil conversation with your future brother-in-law?”

‘7.3,’ Spock thought to himself, but he does not say this out loud. “I have been civil.”

 

Cadet Simmons gave Spock the exact same expression Nyota does when she does not believe him. It was slightly disconcerting to see the expression on the face of someone else.

 

"I mean, for you to be able to have him yell at you and not punch back or do that nerve pinch thing. Is that another urban legend?" the cadet asked parenthetically.

 

"There is some truth. I have no desire to use such a move on James’ brother.” ‘Unless he does something ill-advised like make another pass at Nyota.’ Again, that part was left unsaid.

 

"I wouldn’t blame you if you did. I’m well aware he’s been a dick," she said a little bit louder than necessary.

 

There was a mumbled “I can hear you,” from Kevin in the background. Cadet Simmons proceeded to glare at him.

 

"I can understand why he was upset and blamed me for James’ incapacitation. It is the number one responsibility of the First Officer to protect his or her Captain and I am the first one to acknowledge that I was remiss in this duty," Spock said as a means to excuse Kevin’s behavior.

 

“Due to a major conspiracy and the fact that your fiancé has a death wish,” the cadet added quickly. Spock wondered exactly how she knew this highly classified information. “My guardian is a Starfleet admiral. Actually, she is the Starfleet admiral right now, Ming-Na Chan. No, she didn’t actually tell me anything. I still live at home, partially because my guardian believes I will do better not living in the dorms. Anyway, you’d be amazed what you overhear in the middle of the night when everyone thinks you are sleeping,” she explained without prompting.

 

"That still does not change…” Spock began, but he was cut off by Cadet Simmons.

 

"Yes, it does Professor --I mean Commander Spock. I know that you know that, but you’re afraid to admit that to yourself. Kevin knows that as well, but he is the most stubborn individual I have ever met in my entire existence,” the cadet said in frustration.

 

“Have you met his brother?” Because if Kevin is more stubborn than James, this could be problematic.

 

“Several times. He was my ‘big brother’ freshman year and I’ve been friends with Kevin for 13-going-on-14 years. I would argue it was a genetic trait but…” She trailed off, not wanting to acknowledge the fact that Kevin and James were not related by blood. The fact that Cadet Simmons knew Kevin for so long most likely meant that she either knew him prior to the Tarsus incident or she was there. The latter seems more likely considering she refers to Admiral Chan as her guardian, not parent.

 

“In this case it would obviously have to be a learned behavior,” Spock commented, deciding not to ask her where she had made Kevin’s acquaintance. Such a question would be extremely rude at the very least.

 

"Yes, a learned behavior that is making my best friend completely miserable. Kevin looked like someone stole his puppy when Jim ran out of here without even bothering to say hi,” she half joked.

 

“I did not.” Spock heard an annoyed Kevin remark in the background. That caused Cadet Simmons to turn around and face Kevin directly.

 

“Either come over here and join this conversation like the adult you’re supposed to be and let Spock know why you’re so frightened by his presence in your brother’s life, or let me do all the dirty work because you have the emotional maturity of a toddler.” She practically yelled that at Kevin. Most of the other patrons in the coffee bar were looking at them strangely. However, Kevin made no move to get up from the table.

 

“I thought so. Because it would be a miracle if Kevin Kirk acknowledged that he is afraid to lose his brother to his shiny new husband,” she mumbled under her breath, but Spock felt there was a vast amount of truth in that statement. That would explain Kevin’s behavior. It did contain some elements of jealousy.

 

“I am…” Kevin started to splutter out but didn’t continue.

 

“Kevin, go back to drinking your latte and let the grown-ups work this out,” she said just before returning her attention to Spock. Kevin made an inappropriate gesture at her that means ‘fuck you’ on at least seven planets in the Federation.

 

“Actually, he’s going to keep listening in and I need to say my piece. Do you want to take a walk? There is a park nearby and I feel like feeding some ducks,” she suggested.

 

Spock mostly agrees to go with her so that he does not have to deal with Kevin staring at him. Also, she may be one of the few people who has true insight into Kevin’s mind.

 

“How much do you know about the circumstances of Kevin joining the Kirk family?” the cadet asked once they reached the duck pond, although Spock does not believe that there are any actual ducks in it. However, Spock does not have time to catalog the species of birds in the vicinity.

 

“He was adopted by Winona Kirk after her return from a mission on Tarsus IV and her decision to retire from Starfleet.” Spock felt relatively comfortable telling her this since it was obvious that Simmons already knew this much.

 

“I don’t know if I would see being forced out due to medical reasons as retirement,” she said taking a sip of her hot chocolate.

 

“I am aware of what those medical reasons were,” Spock replied darkly.

 

“Unless you were there, you have no idea what Tarsus was like.” She tossed more corn into the pond. “Last semester I went over what happened in one of my command track classes. The whole account was so sugarcoated it made me sick. Sure, they talked about the famine, but they neglected to mention the rapes, murderers, and Starfleet only responding when they did because Mommy Chan told command to get fucked.”

 

“You were there.” Spock did not even bother to phrase this as a question.

 

“Yes.” Simmons stared blankly at the birds for a moment before she started speaking again. “Back then, Admiral Chan was still Captain Chan and she defied Starfleet to get aid to the planet sooner. Just in time for Winona to kill Kodos for killing Sam. Kevin and I both saw that.” She concluded by throwing another handful of grain at the birds.

 

“It’s not even the worst thing I’ve seen and no, I don’t want to talk about it. Anyway, after the dust settled, the captain became an admiral due to her willingness to do the right thing when her superiors decided to keep their head in the sand. She also became my foster mom because let’s just say I was the only member of my family to survive and leave it at that.” Cadet Simmons just continued to look at the birds as she spoke. Considering what he had read in the Tarsus file, what she most likely witnessed was traumatizing.

 

“And Kevin went with Winona?”

 

“Yes. Just like me, no one else in his family survived. During the chaos, Winona and Kevin latched onto each other. She needed a son and he needed a mom and I think they found that in each other. Sometimes, I think taking care of Kevin was the only thing that kept her grounded after her son was murdered.

 

“Afterwards, Kevin, Jim and Winona created this strange new little family together. Although considering everything with Winona, Jim and Kevin became very close. For a long time it was just the two of them, and then you came along and now the dynamic is different. Maybe Kevin is just a little afraid that now that Jim has you, Jim won’t need him.”

 

“I see.” As he had predicted earlier, Kevin was afraid that Spock would take his place. That was a ridiculous notion.

 

“I don’t think it’s possible to understand unless you have lived through something like that. To lose everything, your entire family, and then get some of it back only to become terrified at the mere thought of losing everything again. You can’t know what it’s like until you’ve lived through it.” That statement angered Spock because although he was not there on Tarsus, he had lost everything.

 

“I watched helplessly as the planet of my childhood was destroyed along with most of my species. Moments earlier I beamed down to the planet to rescue my mother only to have her slip out of my grasp seconds before we were beamed away to safety. After dealing with such a profound loss, I started to put my life together again and I fell in love with James Kirk. Then, because of people like Alexander Marcus, I almost…” Spock stopped speaking. They were essentially forbidden to talk about James’ death, not only because of the means used to bring him back, but because of the ongoing investigation.

 

“I know what happened to your Jim.”

 

“Another conversation of your guardian that you overheard?” Spock questioned.

 

“Kevin told me. He kind of spent the night crying in my bed.” Spock gave her a strange look.

 

“Not like that. We have known each other for too long to see each other like that, or at least for him to see me like that. He still sees himself as God’s Gift to Womankind.” Cadets Simmons rolled her eyes again.

 

“So I have been informed.”

 

“I know about that too. And you’re right, you do get where we are coming from more than a lot of people. And because you get what’s really going on, I implore you to reach out or at the very least be patient with him.”

 

“I’m not sure if there is time to be patient. James and I will be going to the courthouse in two days’ time for a civil ceremony,” Spock explained.

 

“For tandem assignments right?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Good idea. That will make it a lot harder for – – never mind. It’s better that you don’t know.” The young cadet shook her head.

 

“I believe you are right.”

 

“I’m always right.” She smirked at Spock.

 

“What else can I do to convince your friend that I do not plan to take his brother away from him?”

 

“I’m not sure, although making sure he is invited to the civil ceremony would likely be a good step,” she said just before looking at her communicator.

 

“I feel that James should make that overture. However, I am not opposed to Kevin being there.”

 

“Valid point. And where is your future husband?” Simmons asked.

 

“In the restaurant next door to the café, having appetizers with Dr. McCoy.”

 

“Perfect,” she said before placing a call.

 

“Hey Kevin… Seriously, Kevin! You are acting like a toddler… Your future brother-in-law is not the devil. He is kind of nice… No, he’s not trying to take your brother away from you.” At that point Simmons is rolling her eyes. She also mouthing the words ‘see what I have to deal with.’

 

“I’ll be back in a couple of minutes. Ming is going to be busy tonight doing admiral things and I don’t want to cook. Do you want to get some take away from next-door, my treat?” Simmons suggested.

 

“Yes, you can get up and go over there to order for me. You owe me for talking to the big bad brother-in-law. Just order me the honey maple boneless wings with the sweet potato fries and you can get whatever you want. Okay, and I want chocolate lava cake. Thank you.” She was smirking by the time she hung up.

 

“What did you just do?” Spock asked concerned.

 

“Forced Kevin to deal with his life head-on. We should probably take a few more laps around the pond.”

Spock decided it was best to agree with her. James needed a few minutes alone with his brother.

 

Xxxxxxx

Jim always felt that he and Bones have a really easy relationship. There was never really any awkwardness between them (as long as you don’t count that time that Jim was convinced that Bones was fucking Spock’s girlfriend, due to Spock’s legendary bad communication skills). There couldn’t be any awkwardness when the first time you met somebody involved them throwing up all over you because they’re a complete mess from the divorce from hell. There’s just no way you can beat that in the grand scale of awkward things.

 

They’ve gone through a lot together, from custody battles to dysfunctional family meltdowns. They’ve shared secrets and honestly, Leonard McCoy is one of the few people that he actually trusts that he is not related to by marriage or adoption. For the last four years Bones has been his other brother. The only people Jim is closer to are Kevin and Spock, and Kevin is being a dick right now.

 

And yet here they are, staring at a plate of super spicy maple glazed wings at the good bar, unsure of what to say to one another. Jim doesn’t want to talk about the fight that broke out before everything happened. Dying sort of changes your perspective on a lot of things. And it was stupid, just so stupid. Jim doesn’t even remember what they were really fighting about, although it probably involved Jim being reckless. Now, he agrees that he was reckless, stupid even. Way too full of himself. You can’t be like that when you’re the captain. It took losing Chris and the warp core fiasco to get that through his head.

 

Jim definitely doesn’t want to talk about dying. He wants to forget that entire mess ever happened. But he really can’t forget about it because something like that changes you from the inside. It makes you reevaluate what’s important. At the same time, Jim knows that he will dream about the warp core incident for the rest of eternity. Jim will always remember the pain of radiation poisoning and the broken expression on Spock’s face as they said their goodbyes. He definitely didn’t want to talk about that. It felt too fresh.

 

He couldn’t even ask about Nyota because that was an emotional landmine even before the miscarriage. Okay, that may have been what caused the original fallout, or at least a contributing factor to the original fallout. And it didn’t help that Bones is convinced that Jim took Nyota’s side.

 

Now all these weeks later, things were even more complicated. Extremely unbelievably complicated. Of course, losing a child complicates things and maybe it’s even a little worse because there is part of Jim that blames himself. He shouldn’t have taken her on that mission. Yes, she didn’t lose the baby until weeks after the Klingon incident, but still... It’s been over a decade since Sam died and Jim still blames himself. Why should the situation with Nyota be any different?

 

It’s not like Jim doesn’t like Nyota, because he adores her. As he said in his letter earlier today, if she hadn’t fallen in love with Bones, they would have tried to convince her to give polyandry a try. But she did fall in love with a grouchy doctor and Jim wanted them to work things out. They are good for each other. Jim knows that. In the four years that they’ve known each other, he has not seen Leonard as happy as he is when he is with Nyota.

 

Jim knows that they love each other; otherwise Nyota wouldn’t have been as miserable as she was those first couple of days on planet before things went to hell. Jim is wise enough to know that what they feel for each other is deep and unconditional. He just wishes they would acknowledge it. Jim just wishes they would stop pretending that whatever they’re doing is just fucking around, because it never has been. Okay, he wants to slap Bones upside the head and force him to get it back together, but this isn’t the time for a forced intervention. Things were too messy and Nyota needed space.

 

He definitely does not want to start this conversation with a discussion about Spock. Okay, he would like to get it out of the way, but how exactly do you start that conversation? Can Jim just ask, ‘Are you jealous of my almost husband because you want to fuck me?’ He wasn’t sure if he could, if he should ask that question. Also, he doubted that he would get an honest answer. Or if he did get an answer, it may not be something he would want to hear. What would he do if he found out that Bones really hated Spock because he wanted things to be more? Jim wasn’t ready for that answer, at least not sober.

 

“This would be going so much easier if I could have a drink,” Jim mumbled to himself as he grabbed one of the wings. Maybe they should have ordered the coconut shrimp instead. Technically there’s a 50-50 chance that the coconut shrimp could trigger an allergic reaction, but if he did swell up like a balloon, at least this awkward meeting would be over.

 

“Probably,” Bones said, taking another drink of the virginal fruit juice concoction that the bartender brought over. “But you can’t have alcohol in your body until your entire system is better. Same with your favorite hobgoblin activities.”

 

“So you’re drinking virginal daiquiris or whatever as a sign of solidarity,” Jim joked, because he wasn’t touching the no sex thing.

 

“Because if I pick up a drink right now, I may not be able to stop, and I cannot afford to be out of it right now.” Bones looked a little too long at the glass of wine the woman at the next table was sipping.

 

“Even with a hangover hypo?”

 

“That’s not what it’s about. I just feel like running away but…”

 

“But you can’t run away because Nyota needs you.”

 

"That and I have to deal with the vulture’s lawyers in the morning. Shawn has been helpful.” Bones took another drink. That may be the closest the doctor was ever going to get to apologizing for flipping out about getting baby Jojo a lawyer.

 

“I’m glad he could help. Shawn is brilliant like that.”

 

“He’s helping you with Winona?" Bones asked.

 

"He has been for years, every time she has an episode. Unlike you, she doesn’t know when not to drown her sorrow in a nice bottle of Johnny Walker… Or Jim Beam or José Cuervo. That would be nice right now.” Jim looked at his glass of juice. The silence was back.

 

“The wings are good but we should’ve ordered the mozzarella balls or at least the combo platter. I have to place an order of that for Spock...” Jim started to babble in hopes of starting another conversation. As soon as Jim said his sort-of-husband’s name, Bones frowned just a little bit.

 

“I had to bribe Spock with food for him not to follow us. He’s kind of emotionally needy and convinced that if I walk outside by myself I’m going to get hit by a …They have really good chocolate chip lava cake. Actually they have really good regular lava cake. You should bring one for…” That’s when Jim Kirk realized that he was being a complete coward. That was not him. He was going to deal with all this fucked up emotional stuff head on.

 

"Okay I’m going to have to bring your girlfriend…” Bones started giving Jim a weird look. “Or rather not-a-girlfriend Lava cake after bringing this up, but we’re both kind of wondering if you’re so pissed off at Spock because…”Jim paused for a moment trying to figure out the best way to phrase this and then decided to just go for it. The worst thing that could happen would be Bones walking away and then this awkward dinner would be over. It was really a win-win.

 

“Do you want to fuck me and that’s why you’re pissed about Spock?” Jim was expecting a lot of possible responses to that, but uncontrollable laughter was not one of them. Bones didn’t laugh like this.

 

“I was being honest. It wasn’t that ridiculous of a question. You always get upset when I spend time with Spock. You also believe the stupid rumors…”

 

"I do not believe the stupid rumors, although I wonder if I should considering you propositioned Nyota."

 

"I was joking.” Bones just gave him that angry look again. “Mostly. You would’ve been invited.”

 

“Contrary to what you might think, not everybody wants to sleep with you and I’m one of those people. We are not all like you.” The way he worded that just annoyed Jim.

 

“Contrary to what you think, wanting to have a four-way does not make me a slut. Actually, I’ve never been the slut you make me out to be. Just because I kissed a lot of people pre-Spock, everybody just assumes that I’m an easy target who has no trouble whatsoever getting down on his knees…” Jim was cut off by Bones.

 

“I know better than that. I also know about Gary.” Honestly, Jim’s chest tightened up just a little bit when he heard that name.

 

"I don’t want to talk about Gary. How the fuck do you even know about Gary?" Shawn worked out a deal where Jim would not sue Starfleet Academy for their lax security and they would seal everything relating to the incident. Of course, that decision almost led to Gary becoming his commanding officer. Okay, maybe that was a bad deal, but Jim really did not want the entire campus to find out he was almost raped again.

 

“It came out during the hearings.” Of course it was going to come out during the hearings. There were certain people in Starfleet that were trying to make this process as humiliating as possible.

 

"That’s lovely. Now everybody knows about me getting almost raped by that sanctimonious asshole." Good thing Spock already knew and didn’t care. That was one silver lining.

 

"I’m not everybody,” Bones pointed out angrily. “I’m supposed to be your best friend and I didn’t know."

 

"Maybe I didn’t tell you about Gary because you think I’m screwing half the fucking ship,” Jim told him defensively.

 

“I never believed that. That’s just an excuse. The hobgoblin did know,” Bones yelled. “He knows all your deep dark secrets and he knows all of Nyota’s deep dark secrets, so what is there left for me to know? Everybody prefers him over me." Okay maybe there was something to this jealousy thing.

 

"Can I get you guys anything else?” their waiter interrupted, keeping things from exploding.

 

"A screwdriver," Jim mumbled under his breath.

 

"Without the screw, making that an orange juice and some Sprite," Bones shot right back.

 

"I really really hate you.” Jim said it with a smile. Turning to the waiter, he added, “Also, can you get me 2 orders of the mozzarella balls, an order of the fried zucchini, the boneless honey maple wings, the coconut shrimp, and a chocolate lava cake. Actually, make that three lava cakes. That asshole over here has a lot of groveling to do."

 

"I would argue, but that’s probably true. Actually better make that four. Carol and her girlfriend are most likely in the living room acting sugary sweet and probably would want food." That didn’t surprise Jim. Rebecca coming back was probably one of the few things keeping Carol grounded. Everything with her father has been so fucked up. Finding out that she hadn’t lost Rebecca forever obviously helped her deal with the pain.

 

"Add one of the pizzas too. Does Carol eat meat?" Jim asked Bones.

 

"You have been with the hobgoblin way too long." The doctor shook his head.

 

"40% of contemporary society is vegetarian or vegan," Jim retorted. This back-and-forth almost seemed normal, even if they were only talking about food. Anything was better than talking about Gary. He’d rather talk about dying than Gary.

 

"I saw her eating a hamburger. I don’t know how she’s so skinny. Make that two pizzas. One cheese lover and one Italian specialty. Nyota will devour the entire pizza on her own. If I can get her to eat." The frown from earlier returned.

 

"She hasn’t been eating?" Jim asked in concern.

 

"Not well. Losing the baby has been…” Bones is cut off by the inpatient waiter.

 

"Anything else guys?"

 

"Make it to go," Jim directed. This way once the food arrived they would have an excuse to leave.

 

"Except for the screwless screwdriver?” the waiter queried.

 

“Of course. Although I wish you did a mudslide to go since I just left my boyfriend and my brother in the coffee shop next door.” Bones laughed at that.

 

"You’re going to need an extra cake," the doctor suggested.

 

"Which is why I ordered what I did. Put one lava cake, mozzarella balls, and zucchini in a bag for me. He gets everything else, but put it on my account.” As soon as he said that the waiter left. Actually he ran. If they were not ordering so much and Jim hadn’t had a reputation for being a really good tipper, they probably would gotten kicked out for their earlier argument.

 

"You don’t have to. I can pay for…" Jim held up a hand to stop him. They really did not need another money argument right now.

 

"I know you’re proud, but when I pay for stuff, I’m not doing it because I think you cannot afford it. Trust me, I know exactly how much you make. And even though child-support takes a giant chunk of it, because you’re old lawyer was a joke..."

 

"No argument there," Bones interjected.

 

"I know you can afford a bunch of junk food for your not-a-girlfriend and her housemates, but think of this as my ‘sorry my stupidity managed to lose you a kid’ present," Jim joked, sort of.

 

"Christ, you’re not actually blaming yourself for what happened? Things like this just happen."

 

For some reason Jim found those words hollow. "Dealing with this mess caused by..."

 

"Alexander Marcus being an asshole,” Bones supplied.

 

"And my mom going off the wagon and me dyi…”

 

"Despite all our major advancements, 8% of all pregnancies still end in miscarriage. Was stress a factor? Probably. But you were no worse of a stressor than anyone else. Personally, I blame her mom and dad more than I blame you for the stress. I really don't blame you at all."

 

"So you don’t blame me?" Jim asked again just to be sure.

 

"The only thing I blame you for is being a reckless fool who doesn’t tell me anything," Bones deadpanned.

 

"That’s not true," Jim said defensively

 

"You didn’t tell me about Gary or your nightmares. I should have at least known about your history of past sexual assault for medical reasons. Plus those deep dark secrets were what the bastards used against you in this entire cluster fuck.” Bones had a point there.

 

"I didn’t tell anybody about the nightmares except for Dr. Suarez. I didn’t even really tell Spock; he found out…"

 

"By reading your diary." The doctor snorted.

 

"No, reading my emails," Jim corrected.

 

"Same thing,” Bones snickered. “By the way, thanks to your revenge payback, there are some things I now know about Nyota that I don’t want to know."

 

"Weren’t you just pissed off at Nyota and me for not telling you stuff?” Jim asked incredulously. "Did you ever think that her writing those letters to you was her way of telling you stuff, knowing full well that you may see it eventually? Unlike me, she actually knew it was possible you were reading this almost the entire time, yet she kept writing."

 

"That's not the point,” the doctor spluttered. “I was pissed off at the fact that you tell the hobgoblin stuff that you don’t tell me."

 

"Probably-- definitely, but you’re not exactly the most sharing person in the world.” Bones just took another drink of his juice.

 

"You say you don’t blame me, but how do you really feel about losing the baby?" Jim knew this was a loaded question, but this evening had been full of loaded questions.

 

"I told you that I couldn’t drink anything. That’s how I felt." Bones did not make eye contact.

 

"Then you stopped speaking and didn’t go any farther. You barely tell me about anything going on with the custody fight or anything else like that. Communication is supposed to be a two-way street. I assumed that you were jealous of my boyfriend because you wanted to sleep with me because it was so hard for you to explain the real reason why you’re jealous.” Jim literally threw his hands in the air.

 

"I’m not jealous of the hobgoblin,” the doctor scoffed. Jim just shook his head. He did not believe that for a second.

 

"I’m not. I just don’t…" Bones just suddenly stopped speaking.

 

"What Bones? What are you afraid of?"

 

"Losing you, you gigantic toddler!" the doctor finally screamed. Okay, Jim was not expecting that response.

 

"What?" he asked, slightly surprised.

 

"I had to…” Bones closed his eyes. “You were dead."

 

"I know, but I’m not anymore."

 

"But you died. That’s not something I can just let go of."

 

"I know."

 

"You know you’re my best friend. Sometimes I think you’re my only friend," the doctor said sadly.

 

"That’s not true. You’re very likable." Mentally Jim was coming up with a list of people that liked Bones. Surprisingly it was a long list.

 

"I think Carol likes you. Also I think her girlfriend really likes you."

 

"People I’ve known for barely a month do not count. I had lots of friends before the great divorce fiasco." Okay, that’s what this was really about. Jim swore if he ever met Leonard’s ex-wife he was going to knock her unconscious.

 

"Well, they weren’t really your friends if they believe that bitch over you. Just because I’m getting married doesn’t mean I’m leaving you behind. I will always be your friend."

 

"You didn’t send me a letter." Bones was not angry, just sad.

 

"I email you all the time," Jim told him, deliberately misunderstanding.

 

"That’s not what I’m talking about. You did not send me one of your special letters before you decided to play big damn hero in the fucking warp core." Those letters would never stop biting Jim in the ass.

 

"I tried to write one. I couldn’t do it.” He had tried for a good 15 minutes, but he just couldn’t do it and then it was time to leave. “It would just make things too…"

 

"Final."

 

"Yes, if I really did write that letter to you, that meant I was giving up and I wasn’t ready to give up," Jim explained.

 

"Not until you walked into the warp core chamber anyway."

 

"Not even then. I was kind of hoping for a miracle and I got one."

 

“Despite an army of tests, we don’t know all the side effects yet." Bones is such a doctor sometimes.

 

"I feel fine. Seeing no side effects. It’s fine. I’m alive. I wish I could have sex again and some alcohol but…"

 

"You can’t have kids." Bones cut him off with those shocking words.

 

"What?"

 

"I was going to wait on telling you until after your next appointment, after I get another set of data, but I don’t want you to keep thinking that you escaped this unscathed. Your sperm count is..."

 

"Nonexistent, right?" Jim phrased it as a question.

 

"Essentially. It’s one of those side effects of radiation poisoning."

 

"The serum didn’t take care of it?" Jim asked, because he thought the miracle drug fixed everything.

 

"Not yet. But it could. That’s why I didn’t want to say anything until I could take another set of readings," the doctor explained.

 

"Still better than being dead." Jim finished his drink, seriously wishing it was something harder. So he couldn’t have kids? That was okay. Babies are cute but starships are not child friendly, and he’s already having enough trouble getting Starfleet to recognize his marriage to Spock. And even if Kevin turned out a little okay, he didn’t share any of Jim’s DNA. Anyway, Spock was the one who needed to reproduce, not Jim, and there are ways around that. They could deal with that later.

 

"A lot of things are better than being dead. It still doesn’t mean that this is a good thing."

 

“It doesn’t matter. I’m marrying Spock. Chances are we will be doing this the genetic engineering way anyway. Actually the wedding is going to be in two days. Do you have to wear a suit if you’re getting married at the courthouse?" Jim said, changing the subject. You know things are bad when this is the alternative.

 

"You should. Was this the hobgoblin’s idea? Is he terrified that you’ll change your mind now that you are back on earth with more options?” Okay, that just pissed Jim off.

 

"And this is why I didn’t tell you about Gary. You still think I’m a slut when…"

 

"I’m an asshole, don’t take what I say seriously."

 

"I get that. It’s not Spock pushing for this. It’s me and the Bastards That Be,” Jim explained with a sigh. “The ceremony is a legal maneuver to make sure we still get tandem assignments.”

 

"I get it. If there was something I could do or someone I could marry to make sure I get custody of JoJo I would do it." Okay, maybe Bones understood this better than Jim thought he would.

 

"Legal maneuver or not, I still want you there as my Best Man. And you’re right, you’re wearing a suit because Spock’s Best Person will be upset otherwise."

 

"You want me to be your Best Man and not Kevin?” Bones seemed genuinely shocked. “I thought that was the plan."

 

"No, you were always the plan. Besides Kevin is not… Kevin is less okay with Spock then you are and you refer to my future spouse as a hobgoblin,” Jim said darkly.

 

"I think he’s just as uncertain of his place in your life as I was."

 

"I’m trying to tell you that you’re always going to have a place," Jim said exasperatedly.

 

"I get that. But tell him that.” That’s when Bones pointed to the door. Kevin was standing there with a latte in one hand and a take away menu in the other. Jim really hoped he wasn’t coming in here after picking a fight with Spock or doing something stupid enough to get him kicked out of the coffee bar. Okay, Jim wished they had gone to the coffee bar for this slow conference because coffee is so much better than screwless screwdrivers.

 

"I’m going to go pick up my offering of junk food and you’re going to go talk to your brother."

 

"Do I have to?" Jim whined like a toddler.

 

"Yes,"

 

"Can I have a regular screwdriver?” Bones just gets up from the table as he shakes his head no.

 

"So are we good?" Jim asked just as he started to walk away.

 

"No, but we are better."

 

"That’s really all I can ask for." Jim smiled sadly.

 

"Go talk to your brother and send me an email with the wedding details tomorrow." He was literally pulled out of his seat and pushed towards Kevin. This was going to be such a ‘fun’ conversation. The lack of alcohol was so unfair.

XXXXX

To be continued


	26. All Conversations are Better with Lava Cake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. Hopefully chapters will start arriving sooner now that all my special projects are done, including the wonderful Last Request. I collaborated with Ashaya T’Reldai on this story. Please check it out. Also check out my own entry for KS advent: How to Surprise Your Boyfriend for Christmas. 
> 
> So I want to take a moment to remind everybody that I like to write my characters as human beings (or imperfect Vulcans as the case may be). That means that they’re all imperfect and/or slightly crazy. They make mistakes and don’t always know the right thing to do or say. They don’t always do the right thing. Several of them see a therapist three or four times a week. 
> 
> The whole premise of the story and its predecessor is to take a deep look at the psychological impact of major things like your planet blowing up, losing your mom, watching someone you love die. To take a closer look at the process of how our protagonists go from the crisis point of the two movies to being well-adjusted people in the epilogue. The characters do the best that they can, but they don’t always do the right thing because that’s life. We are all a little fucked up on the inside.
> 
> If anybody has seen what I did to poor Disney characters in my High School Musical stories you know I’m big about realism even in the most science-fiction or soap opera of settings.  
> Editorial note: the first section of this chapter consists of crumpled unfinished letters written by Leonard McCoy.

XXXXX

Dear Nyota:

Lord, I’m such a fuck up. I should have dragged you kicking and screaming to the hospital the moment I suspected something. Instead I let Spock deal with it or rather I asked Spock to deal with it and now….

Shit

**XXXXX**

Dear Nyota:

Am I supposed to talk about my feelings right now? I don’t know how I feel right at the moment. I don’t even know what I really feel. Anger, frustration, and confusion or maybe some combination of everything. I don’t know.

 

I’m not angry at you. That’s the only thing I’m sure of. I am angry at myself but I could never be angry at you. I’m in love with you and maybe that’s the fucking problem.

 

Not that I love you but that I managed to fall in love with you despite all my protests. I’m so fucked up on the inside that I don’t know...

 

Why the fuck am I trying to write this down?

 

**XXXXX**

 Dear Nyota:

Am I a bad doctor? I feel like I am despite the protests of Dr. Suarez. I broke the Golden rule with you. Don’t fuck your patient. Not that what we were doing was just fucking but you get the point. Being emotionally involved led me to not giving you the best treatment and you losing…

**XXXX**

Dear Nyota:

Seriously, how can you love me? How can you even like me? I’m an absolute asshole. I keep you at arm’s length without even trying. I react badly to the stupidest things. I put my foot in my mouth so often that it needs to be surgically removed. I don’t think things through. I make snap decisions way too often.

 

I’m such a dick that my behavior got our baby…

 

XXXXX

Dear Nyota:

Seriously, how can you love me? You are just so much better than me. You’re beautiful. You’re smart and fluent in more languages than I could ever imagine. You are the bravest woman I’ve met in my entire life. Klingons don’t scare you.

 

So how can someone like you want to be with somebody like me? I’m just some grouchy country doctor who fled the earth when his first marriage imploded.

 

I’m a coward. I don’t tell people things because I’m afraid of their reaction. I’m afraid of being pushed away and I just…

 

XXXX

Dear Nyota:

Why did I think I could do this relationship thing with anyone, let alone you? I failed miserably at it last time. Why did I think I could do better this time? My marriage was a disaster that left my heart in shards. Do you know that you’re the first person I’ve dated seriously since then? Of course you don’t know because I never really tell you anything. I don’t tell you a lot of things. I think that’s our biggest fucking problem.

 

Although at least on the bright side you’ll never marry me because my father offered to pay for your law school. I may tell a completely different version of the story when I’m wasted but the truth of the matter was I proposed before the metaphorical rabbit died. She said no. Then two weeks later she discovered the condom broke and my bastard father gave her an offer that she couldn’t refuse. Should I be surprised at all that she presented me with divorce papers within just weeks of his death.

**XXXX**

Dear Nyota:

I’m a horrible father. One kid is dead because I acted more like your boyfriend then a doctor and the other kid isn’t even allowed to see me right now. Shawn is trying but the cow is as vicious as ever. I guess daddy’s money was well spent on her law school education. Shawn thinks I have a better chance if I relocate to Atlanta for a little while. Maybe take a temporary detail with the VA for the duration. It’s obvious we’re going to be here awhile as they straighten out this grand conspiracy of the Federation.

 

I’m not sure what I should do. I think I don’t deserve any of you. I don’t want to leave you with things the way they are but she’s my baby. I love you both so much and I don’t want to…

XXXX

Dear Nyota:

How the fuck are you so good at writing stuff down? You can talk to me about the baby and your feelings for me and yet all I have for my hours of effort are several balls of crumbled up paper. This is my 58th attempt at writing something down and I have a feeling that it will end up in the recycle bin just like everything else.

 

I don’t know where to start this letter or how to start this letter. Do I start by talking about the fact that I’m not really jealous of your relationship with Spock, but I am afraid of reliving the disaster that was my first marriage? It’s not that I think you will cheat on me, it’s that I didn’t think she would do something like that either and look what happened. I trusted her and she completely fucked me over.

 

For the sake of my blood pressure, it is better if I avoid talking about that. Actually, there’s not enough paper in the universe for that particular conversation. I definitely don’t have time for it today.

 

This will probably be my last attempt for the night because I have to meet the toddler in 30 minutes to talk things out. I’m not sure how that’s going to be successful. I know less of what to say to Jim than I know what to say to you. At least I think I know what our problems are. I listened to rumors I shouldn’t have. I didn’t trust you because I’m afraid to have my heart broken again. It’s not like I don’t want to trust you, I do. It’s just if you fall off the bike enough times, you get afraid to go back on it again.

 

Maybe things would be easier if I could communicate how I feel, but I don’t know how to talk about things. Not just to you but to anybody, including Jim and the hobgoblin. I was never taught. The McCoy family by nature are not very touchy-feely people.

 

My father was not necessarily a cold man, but he never talked about things. He never let people get close to see anything beyond the surface, and my mom... Let’s just say she’s the real reason why I’m so mad about the current custody situation with JoJo. I don’t want to be my mom. My father was a cold distant bastard, but at least he was there. That’s more than I can say for her.

 

Maybe the fallout with her is the reason why the man kept everybody at arm’s length. I don’t know. He was dying and he still wouldn’t let anyone in, wouldn’t talk about it with anyone: not me, not his wife, no one. Sometimes I’m amazed that he even managed to get remarried again.

 

He wasn’t the best father. I always had what I needed physically. Actually we always had more than what we needed. My father had his own practice, so we were relatively well-off in one of the nicer Atlanta suburbs. But I don’t think the man ever hugged me. He never told me that he loved me. I’m not even sure if he told me he was proud, not even when I graduated medical school early. Although he was probably still pissed off about JoJo’s conception. That soured the graduation festivities greatly.

 

Maybe I take after the doctor a little too much in that regard. I don’t like talking about my feelings. I hate relying on other people. I don’t want to let people get close to me. Honestly, I don’t trust anyone enough to rely on them. Losing all your supposed friends in the world’s most hostile divorce will do that to a person. Maybe I don’t want to see what happens when people are forced to choose sides because I know how well I came out last time.

 

In other ways, I know I’m not my father. I don’t think the man ever had to deal with his judgment being clouded by his emotional attachments. That would require him to become emotionally attached to something --anything at all, in the first place. Maybe his aloof nature made him a better doctor than me. He never made the wrong decision because he was too emotionally attached to one of his patients **.** Then again, if you don’t care about your patients, how can you be a good doctor?

I just don’t fucking…

_Dear Dr. Suarez:_

_This is a fruitless activity that I am failing miserably at. I don’t talk about my feelings. I sure as hell don’t write about them. I don’t even know what they are. I think my thoughts are more jumbled now than before I started on this fruitless activity. I’m just going to stick with being a hypocrite for right now because I can’t do this._

**XXXX**

Surprisingly enough, that particular note to Dr. Suarez was scribbled at the end of the longest letter she found in the recycling bin. If it wasn’t so absurd, she would be laughing hysterically at the fact that Leonard actually believed she was better about expressing her feelings, in writing if nothing else. Because really, she’s not.

 

If she were good at talking about things, maybe she wouldn’t be sitting on their bed trying to piece together the multitude of letters that he wrote to her but never gave her. This particular letter was actually torn to pieces and she had to use the scanning program on her PADD just to put it back together again.

 

She has spent the better part of two hours reading the crumpled messages, or rather putting the messages back together before reading them. In the beginning she found a lot of notes that contain things such as “fuck, I can’t do this.” “Fuck, I have no idea what I’m doing,” and “I let another kid down,” (that last one in particular made her sad because deep down she felt exactly the same way.)

 

This is what she’s learned so far: Leonard blames himself for her miscarriage and they really need to have a long talk about his ex-wife issues and daddy issues. Compared to she-who-will-not-be-named, Spock was a non-issue. At this point she’s not even sure which is worse. Although the way his father died probably makes the daddy issues more substantial, the ex-wife issues may be more pertinent to the current situation.

 

Of course, the most important thing she learned was that Leonard really does love her, he is just horrible at expressing it. It really does not say much about their relationship when it’s obvious she is the better communicator of the two. At least she could tell him how she felt in the emails (as long as she lied to herself about the probability of him reading it). It was better than what Leonard was able to do.

 

But there were so many things going on that she wasn’t sure where to even begin. She was still in this mental place where she wanted to crawl under the covers and just wait for it all to be over.

 

She probably had time. She expected things with Jim to last awhile and for Leonard to be completely drunk by the time he got back. That would mean it would be impossible for the two to actually hold a coherent conversation. That would give her at least until tomorrow to figure out what to say (or hop on the first shuttle to somewhere else).

 

Except that didn’t happen. Just then she heard Leonard arrive back a whole lot earlier than she thought he would. She quickly started to throw everything back into the recycling bin.

 

Miraculously, the bed was no longer covered with three dozen sheets of paper by the time Leonard showed up to her room with a box of pizza and some other takeout. (Unfortunately, she did not have time to take the recycling bin back to the adjoining office; hopefully Leonard would completely ignore the big basket of brightly colored therapy journal paper sitting beside her bed.)

 

"You’re not supposed to be home yet.” She really wanted to ask about how badly things went with Jim, because if he was back this early, things had to be bad. However, she thought better of it. Although, the fact that he did not smell like a brewery was probably a point in his favor.

 

"Jim’s brother showed up and apparently things are worse with him and Kevin than they are between him and me. I pushed them to speak to each other and then promptly left with takeout.” _Because you didn’t want to speak with him._ Again, she was smart enough not to say that out loud; she just gave him a Vulcan style glare.

 

“Okay, I was mostly looking for a way out of the awkward conversation we were having, especially after he mentioned his speculation about me supposedly having a crush on him.” Apparently Leonard was self-aware enough to realize that without her prompting, verbally anyway.

 

“Seriously, he actually mentioned that?” she asked incredulously. She did think Jim had some tact. He has reached the point where he can get through a conference without insulting anybody.

 

“I don’t know why you’re shocked. You asked the same thing.”

 

“I’m different.”

 

“That you are, darling. I don’t want to talk about it. I brought pizza and lava cake.” She could tell. The smell of greasy pizza was almost enticing. She hasn’t been very hungry these last few days, despite the fact that everybody keeps shoving food at her as if it was a magical cure-all. She’s mostly been giving it away. She is unbelievably popular at the Academy right now. Although anybody who puts out muffins and cookies on a semi-regular basis is.

 

"You never bring junk food." Because if he is bringing her junk food, there must be a catch.

 

Okay, he must realize that she’s been barely eating anything. Rebecca probably told him that she’s mostly been surviving on her cookies. Rebecca’s cookies were nice. Rebecca wasn’t making cookies just to cheer her up or to make up for the fact her uterus is a joke, but just for the sake of making cookies. Nyota can get behind that because they’re good cookies.

 

"I did bring you your favorite toffee chocolate chip cookies yesterday.” Obviously he was aware of her eating habits.

 

“Enjoy the pizza. There’s no ulterior motive. And no, this is not a ‘try to make everything better’ gesture. I know better than to even try.” He pushed the box to her. She gave in despite not believing him. This pizza was supposed to be a catalyst to whatever conversation they needed to have. She just wasn’t sure if it was going to work.

 

"Did you bring plates or are we eating out of the box?” She reached over for the box of pizza, which resulted in the sounds of paper crinkling beneath her. Apparently she missed one of the letters. Leonard instantly noticed the bright blue paper and picked it up.

 

"So you read that?" Leonard held up the paper for her to see.

 

This particular piece of paper read:

_Dear Nyota:_

_I don’t even remember why we were fighting or how we ended up fighting with each other in the first place. With everything that’s happened in these last few weeks, it seems so silly now. When that stupid torpedo almost blew me up, I could only think about you and how we left things so fucked…_

 

Of course it stopped in the middle. Almost everything in the recycling bin ended abruptly.

 

So how exactly was she going to respond to this question? Especially considering he looked a little upset. She could lie, but he would know that she was lying and that would be counterproductive to whatever they had to do to not be in this awkward stage of uncertainty. And she wanted to be a certainty with him. She just needed something to hold onto.

 

“Yes. Although, if you weren’t expecting me to read it, then you should have actually recycled the papers instead of leaving everything in my office. If you leave something in my office, I have the right to read it. You know me well enough by now to know that I have a tendency to read things I shouldn’t.” Like Jim’s therapy letters which had led to a lot of this mess in the first place.

 

Leonard doesn’t look mad, he just grabs a piece of pizza out of the box. It’s Neapolitan style pizza and not something from the replicator or the Starfleet cafeteria. Actually, she’s pretty sure most of the things that come out of the Starfleet cafeteria were replicated. The food there was actually worse than the stuff on the ships and she didn’t even think that was possible.

 

"Jim said something similar about the emails that you sent to me because of Jim’s revenge for reading his dear Spock letters. That there was some part of you that expected me to read what you wrote.” That explains his reaction or rather lack of one.

 

"Not the first letter,” she admitted reluctantly as she grabbed the first slice of pizza. There was bacon. It was very hard to resist bacon.

 

“But after that, I knew it was possible. I wrote a really angry letter to Spock that I never intended for him to actually see and it actually did end up in his inbox. I’m pretty sure I didn’t write the others anything special after that, but I kept writing to you." Because she did want to tell him these things. It was just easier to convince herself to actually write it if she pretended that he wasn’t going to read it. She’s an excellent liar, especially when it comes to lying to herself.

 

"Then why did you keep writing?" Apparently Leonard wasn’t buying it.

 

"Because I needed to talk to you and I wasn’t ready to talk to you. So it was easier to pretend that this was all still a therapy exercise. On some level I knew better. It’s just been a long couple weeks and maybe I was using wonky Jim Kirk logic, thinking that you would confront me if you really were reading the stuff and not just let me continue to rattle on about everything. Please tell me you brought forks for the lava cake?" she said going for the box.

 

“The fact that you switch to talking about lava cake makes me wonder if you are ready to talk about stuff now." He passed a fork to her.

 

“Yes-maybe-probably-definitely not.” She shoved a piece of chocolate cake in her mouth. She still wanted to crawl under the blanket with the cake and not talk.

 

“Do I have a choice? I’m being forced to go to therapy tomorrow to deal with my evil uterus and fucked up parents.” Her last email conversation with Jim scared her a little bit, but she wasn’t going to tell Leonard that. She did not want to get to a Marc point.

 

“If you’ve ever been in a session with Dr. Suarez, you know that it’s impossible to not talk. So it’s all going to come out eventually. At least there’s chocolate cake and good pizza, the type that makes me forget about all the people trying to make me feel better with junk food. Even my mom." She was really, really trying to repress that particular conversation.

 

“I didn’t know about that.” The ‘because you never tell me anything’ went unsaid. “If I had known, I would’ve brought up the chicken wings. There is also fried zucchini and mozzarella balls downstairs." Now they were talking about food. Was this progress or avoidance?

 

"Which are conspicuously absent."

 

"I left that stuff downstairs and the other pizza."

 

"Which means we will never ever see it again. Seriously, I don’t know how Carol can be so skinny," she said, annoyed. The fried zucchini from Zachary’s was so good.

 

"So are you."

 

"Do you have any idea how much time I spend in the gym?"

 

"A lot.” Things got quiet again. She may have had a second slice of pizza.

 

"You don’t have to go to therapy. You don’t have to talk to me. You don’t have to do anything," Leonard said quietly.

 

"Maybe I do. Do you blame yourself for me losing…” Okay, this conversation is going to go badly just simply due to the fact that she can’t even say the word baby, let alone the word miscarriage. If she can’t say the word out loud, then she is definitely not ready to talk about it.

 

"If Jim can blame himself, I can blame myself," Leonard argued.

 

“Your logic is ridiculous. Jim has a martyr complex. He blames himself for Winona being in the hospital, for her illustrious history of substance abuse, for Chris dying, and probably for the entire Vengeance Incident in general. I think a part of him blames himself for his father’s death."

 

"Possibly. But it’s different with me. My blame is justified. If an outsider looked at the situation, they would say that I made the wrong call by asking Spock to get you medical attention instead of dragging you to the hospital myself.” She’s not surprised he said that he sees it this way. This assumption showed up in a lot of various attempts at writing to her; she’s just surprised he said it out loud.

 

"I would never have let you. I do not believe anything was wrong. As hypocritical as it sounds, I would have been mad that you read the letters and I would’ve been mad… You can’t treat me like a patient because I’m not," she finished.

 

"I’m aware of that. You’re going to be seeing one of my colleagues as your primary physician once we return to Enterprise because maybe it’s not a good idea for me to treat my girlfriend.” She was sure that was a Freudian slip, but it was probably the most truthful thing he had said. He expected the two of them to be together when Enterprise went back into space come January. That’s something.

 

"You did what you had to do to get me to seek treatment. Who gives a fuck how other people perceive our relationship. It’s our relationship and they don’t fucking matter.” Not one bit, not at all. She was so tired of jealous people inserting themselves in her life.

 

“They don’t know about you and me. They think they do. There’s some people on our ship that love nothing better than to rip people apart. Two of them were arrested for it. But in reality they only see little snippets. Stop listening to them.”

 

“It’s a little harder to stop listening when it’s the voices in your own head coming up with that stuff. The difference is the voices in my head are not telling me that you’re with Spock, they’re telling me that you should be with someone better than me.”

 

“You need to stop listening to that voice too. You are good enough for me. You do deserve me. Who fucked you over so badly that you hate yourself this much?” She really didn’t mean to ask that question out loud, but it just sort of came out.

 

“The Cow. My father. Who knows? It’s hard to stop listening to the voices in your head when you’re sure they’re right. I should have…”

 

“After a very uncomfortable heart-to-heart with my mom recently, I called my OB/GYN. I guess I just needed reassurance or something. Anyway, there’s a pretty good chance that by the time I wrote anything in my letters that could have possibly tipped you off, I had already lost the baby. And according to my wonderful gynecologist, other than the rough-and-tumble time with the Klingons, I didn’t do anything wrong and even then I didn’t know so…” There was a tear running down her cheek. “The only thing we can blame is my defective uterus.” She felt his arms wrapped around her.

 

"That’s not even true," Leonard whispered

 

"It is. There’s no other explanation."

 

“Sometimes there is no explanation. I could show you statistics but you may not believe me. My point is you can’t keep blaming yourself for something you have no control over."

 

"Everyone else is, so why not me?" she spat out sarcastically.

 

"It’s ridiculous."

 

"It’s not. I kept reading all these things about…"

 

"That you weren’t supposed to read in the first place."

 

"Doesn’t matter. You keep talking about how you are not worthy of me. That you made the wrong call as a doctor. That you’re a horrible father and you don’t understand how someone like me can be in love with somebody like you. The truth of the matter is, I’m just as screwed up and I don’t get why you’re being so hard on yourself."

 

"Because I haven’t seen my daughter in a year. Because it was easier for me to believe that Jim Kirk was the biggest slut in Starfleet then to see what was really underneath the bravado. Maybe I was halfway willing to believe some of those rumors because I still can’t believe that someone like you is with someone like me. Especially when you can have a rich near-Vulcan-prince instead of some poor kid from Georgia. I’ve already been traded up for the new model at least once.”

 

She really wants to ask why he’s so jealous of Spock but she knows better than to start that particular conversation today; she doesn’t have the energy for it. She spent most of it on resisting the urge to hide under the covers. Besides, she’s starting to wonder if he’s not actually jealous, but just afraid of history repeating itself and Spock is just there and an easy focus for his insecurities.

 

“Since I was with Spock first, you are the newer model and at least you acknowledge having emotions without an extreme intervention. You also went to one of the top med schools in the country. In addition, that rich Vulcan prince is head over feet in love with someone else and I was never ever in love with him, not in a romantic way. It was platonic sex."

She’s not sure anybody will believe her when she says that, but she had just wanted to make Spock not sad. Okay, she wanted to make herself not sad and sex is good for that. (Unfortunately, she wouldn’t be having any for at least 2 ½ more weeks so her evil, evil uterus could heal itself.)

 

"I know. You have a tendency to sleep with your friends, especially when you’re sad or hurt. I think it’s your version of hugging.” He wasn’t even joking. He was dead serious when he said that.

 

That’s when she remembered saying something about sleeping with Gaila post-Marc-incident in one of her special letters. That must be where he got the idea from. It’s not like she did it all the time, except then she loses Gaila and she slept with Spock. And after she lost the baby she tried to fuck Leonard without even talking about what happened. Then she got annoyed when he played the Doctor card on her. She was beginning to see a pattern here.

 

"I’m this close to taking the pizza and kicking you out for that." She glared at him because she doesn’t want to talk about the pattern she just picked up on.

 

"Which is another reason I don’t get why you were ever into me in the first place. I’m a complete asshole. I don’t have a filter most of the time."

 

"I’m aware of that."

 

"I think the worst about people."

 

"Not always. You would’ve ran away from Jim after the first week otherwise."

 

"I assumed Jim was a slut because he was never with the same girl twice, not because…" Leonard stopped abruptly.

 

"He suffered extreme sexual trauma as a child and young adult and is more afraid of relationships than the two of us combined," Nyota finished for him.

 

"Exactly,"

 

"Also you are aware that Jim is…"

 

"Not very picky about gender? I knew that before the hobgoblin. Did I know why Jim would never accept a drink from anyone he did not know? Not at all," he lamented.

 

“None of us did but Spock. And honestly I think Spock only knows about it because they’re sleeping together. That still doesn’t mean that you see the worst in everyone. Jim wanted you to see what he wanted you to see," Nyota said trying to make him feel better.

 

"Like certain other people I know,” he mumbled under breath.

 

"You are good friend."

 

"I’m a horrible friend. I’ve been ignoring Jim for the last…" She cut him off by pressing two fingers to his lips.

 

“There is a reason why I was on food duties so often. I’m not even sure you left the hospital during that week. You spent as much time in his room as I did unless you were dealing with patients. You’re the reason why he’s not dead right now. You also helped me with operation ‘get Enterprise’s command team to stop pining after each other like silly little teenagers’.”

 

"I’m not sure why I helped you with that. The other thing, I was just doing my job," Leonard said.

 

"Are you arguing with everything I say?" she sighed.

 

"Possibly. At least all the stuff that is untrue." Why did he always have to be this frustrating?

 

"You think everything positive I say about you is untrue." She threw her hands up in frustration.

 

"It is. You’re too good for me."

 

"I’m not.” She sighed in frustration. “I’m really not. I’m a much more judgmental person than you think. I took everything you said in the worst possible light during our argument before everything…” She paused for a moment trying to remember the details but she really could not anymore. Everything seems so fuzzy now. “Do you even remember what we were arguing about in the beginning?”

 

"I don’t know. I don’t remember all the details anymore. I said something stupid after the volcano incident, then you said something else and then suddenly you were sleeping on Jim and Spock’s couch."

 

Was what started all this that simple? There was so much more now. The dead baby, their trust issues, their communications issues, the fact that there were people on Enterprise purposely trying to break them up for their own reasons, the fact that she was pregnant in the first place because they fucked up her birth-control to supposedly prove that she was a slut, and him almost getting blown up. The stuff seemed so much more important. Maybe some of what triggered the initial fight was in that other stuff but… Nyota couldn’t deal with it right now. She’d reached her limit.

 

"I think I need ice cream and maybe the fried zucchini, if there’s anything left that is. I’m sure it’s all gone by now." She’d talked enough for the moment.

 

"At least that’s a better alternative than alcohol." He kissed her gently on the forehead as he got up from the bed.

 

"Tell that to my thighs," she joked. At that he kissed her on the lips.

 

"You’re absolutely perfect the way that you are." He said it before going to get her ice cream. Nyota ran a finger over where his lips just were. It would be okay. She would crawl under the blanket with her ice cream but at least she wouldn’t be alone this time. That was progress.

XXXXXX

Leonard knew that asking for ice cream was a reprieve, for both of them. She was starting to shut down again and he needed a few moments to collect his thoughts. Maybe it was a good thing that he left the papers in the recycling bin. At least they had somewhere to start this conversation. Okay, at least she did not throw him out of the bedroom with a pillow to the head again. There’s some progress there.

 

He was actually happy to see that the door was still open when he returned to the room with ice cream, the fried zucchini, and mozzarella balls (however all the chicken wings were gone). Leonard was half expecting to be locked out again, but she actually had a spot waiting for him next to her.

 

By the time he got back she was already watching a movie. Something old with standard subtitles. Some romantic comedy where crotchety old divorcee learns to love again. He wonders if there’s a reason for that. He doesn’t say anything, he just takes the seat next to her and passes the box of food to her. Normally he would at least try to get some carrot sticks in her, but this wasn’t the time.

 

“Am I really your first real relationship since the divorce?” she finally asked halfway through the movie as she gave in and ate the last mozzarella ball. It had been sitting there mocking him for the last 10 minutes. He’s a little surprised she asked that question. He was expecting to spend the rest of the evening in silence except for Nyota’s occasional comment about the movie, just lying next to her. Of course, the subtitles were only for his benefit, because she speaks perfect pre-warp English.

 

“Before my conversation with Jim today, I would say that while I did not sleep with as many people as Jim at the Academy, I was not a monk. However, I now think that statement is inaccurate,” he joked.

 

“Only if that number is lower than nine and that’s the total pre-Spock number.” He obviously misjudged Jim badly, or maybe the guy was just really that good at projecting bravado. It was probably the latter. “I’m talking about actual relationships where people talk to each other and not just fall into bed. There’s a difference.”

 

“Or at the very least sleep with each other on a regular basis and eat junk food together.”

 

“Or salad. I’m not picky,” she quipped.

 

“If I’d known that, I would have brought something not fried and not containing more sugar than you should have in an entire day,” he joked before getting serious. “By that definition, this is definitely the first relationship.” Actually, by that definition, this is probably his real first relationship. Leonard is not even entirely sure if the thing with she-who-will-not-be-named ever really qualified. He was infatuated with her, maybe it was love, but it probably wasn’t. She rejected him, then she got pregnant and daddy dearest brought out the metaphorical shotgun. Years later he can say that he didn’t feel a fraction of the things he feels for Nyota.

 

“This is the first relationship that actually meant something. So it must be obvious I have no idea what I’m doing.” Because he really doesn’t. He can deal with sex, not trying to share bits and pieces of himself with somebody who was just as frustrating as he was.

 

“You think I do?” Nyota asked incredulously.

 

“Better than me.” She snorted at that.

 

“I haven’t dated a lot or really had any real relationships before you. Let’s put it this way, the best relationship I’ve had with somebody I’ve had sex with was with Spock, and that was only after we broke up.”

 

That was another thing that bothered him. He couldn’t understand how two people could be so amicable with one another after their relationship fell apart. If Leonard and JoJo’s mom could have been that good to each other, then maybe he would still have his daughter in his life. Maybe deep down that’s what he was really jealous of.

 

“Still better than what happened with JoJo’s mom.” That was a disaster. “I don’t know how you can be friends with somebody you used to be with.”

 

“In our case, it was more like we weren’t supposed to be more than friends in the first place and Spock had the good sense to end things before we hated each other. I’m glad he did, because it’s a small ship and there was no way I was transferring.”

 

“So if things don’t get better between us…” He stopped speaking then, not sure how to continue.

 

“Earlier you mentioned something about us still being together, or rather being together again by the time Enterprise is back in space. Is that what you want?” she asked after a moment.

 

“I didn’t mean to presume.”

 

“I want you to presume. I want us to be back together but…”

 

“We have issues.” And only about three of them are hobgoblin-shaped and the majority of the rest are Cow-shaped.

 

“Thousands of issues. Ex-wives, jealous colleagues, abandonment issues, and dead ba…” She stumbles on the word. “One conversation and a lot of half-finished letters isn’t going to change that.”

 

“But it’s a start. You’re not the only one who is afraid to talk about things because of prior bad experiences.”

 

“Or possibly being terrified of new experiences because of prior bad experiences. My parents, losing my grandmother, Marc…”She stops there.

 

“The Marc situation would fuck anybody up. I could see why that would haunt you.”

 

“At least I am handling things better than last time, but only because you’re not letting me use my normal coping mechanisms. I think I use sex as a crutch. I figured that out earlier when I realized that I handled Marc’s death by fucking Gaila, Gaila’s death by fucking Spock, and I handled recent events by trying to fuck you. This is not healthy. I’m not healthy. I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread and…” He quickly pulled her closer to him.

 

“I wasn’t going to mention that.” He kissed her forehead

 

“You were thinking it.” He had consulted another doctor about it, but he was never ever going to tell her that. Ever!

 

“Maybe. But that is something else to discuss in therapy. That we will discuss tomorrow in therapy,” he amended, because they needed to work things out together and this couldn’t just be her.

 

“You’re coming with me?” She seemed genuinely shocked at the possibility of him joining her.

 

“Yes. I want to work through this. I don’t always say the right things or do the right things, but I do love you in spite of myself. I want to fix this.”

 

“So do I.” At that moment she kissed him. It was gentle but still meant a lot.

 

“So we’re spending tomorrow with Dr. Suarez and Dr. Margarita and we’ll try to get to everything we didn’t cover tonight.” Like his former nurse, who completely betrayed everyone and he was the idiot who hired her in the first place. They’d need medical supervision for that conversation.

 

“I think we did okay. I’m now willing to tell you that even though it was the absolute worst time ever, I kind of wish I was still pregnant.” His response was to kiss her on the forehead and pull her closer to him. They fell asleep together before the movie ended but honestly it was the best sleep that he’s had in weeks.

To be continued

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, Jim and Kevin are getting their own chapter (that I plan to write this weekend) because this was already approaching 7000 words before I even got to them and I feel like that conversation would be equally as long.
> 
> Also a quick note the lovely T’Purr has been the beta for this story since it began. However, due to real life this will be her last chapter. Thankfully, I have an army of betas helping me out with the stories but I can always use more. She will be missed. For example, I added this to the chapter after she proofread it so there’s probably at least three typos in this one paragraph.


	27. Brothers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. I love all your reviews. Now it’s time for another relationship to turn a corner.
> 
> Warnings: Kevin revisits memories of Tarsus and it’s not pretty.  
> Proofread by UrsulaR

 

"I’m going to kill Liz.” Kevin mumbled under his breath as soon as he saw his big brother sitting at the bar with Dr. McCoy. Really Kevin should have known something was up when his BFF Elizabeth Simmons asked for junk food. She’s been on a no fried food diet for two months. Really he should have known this was a setup. He was just kind of hoping that she finally figured out she was absolutely beautiful already.

 

Kevin decided that the best thing to do would be to ignore his brother and just order the food and get out of there. (Because even if this was a setup, if he did not come back with food he would be in serious trouble.) If Jim did not want to talk to him than Kevin would not make the first move. Just because Kevin stayed at Jim’s side for the entire week he was in a coma doesn’t mean he’s an emotional doormat. Kevin is just so tired of Jim being so caught up in his boyfriend and his captain life that he completely forgot that he has a brother and a life on earth. Besides he will be perfectly safe in the takeout line.

 

Except Jim left the safety of the bar to come over to the takeout line.

 

"So did Spock send you over here or did you suddenly get a craving for the mozzarella balls?” _No, Liz was just being as a manipulative as ever._

 

"The mozzarella balls. Not everything is about your boyfriend." Kevin replied instead. Seriously, could the guy in from of him not take an hour to order? The menus not that long.

 

"You don’t like my fiancé." Kevin rolled his eyes at his brother’s statement. That was the understatement of the year. If Spock just did his fucking job, Jim would not have ended up in a coma for a week.

 

"He almost got you killed." _He did get you killed._

 

"No, I almost got myself killed.” Jim said pointedly.

 

"Which you would not have done if it weren’t for your…" Just before he could say something slightly classified in a public place the guy that was taking way too long to choose between the fried pickles or the mozzarella balls finally finished and he could order.

 

“Hi, welcome to Zachary’s. What would you like?” Lisa said once he stepped up to the counter a.k.a. the Goddess of Starfleet Academy. She was a fourth-year student at the Academy and despite his best effort she continually ignored him.

 

“Give me a 20 piece order of the honey Maple boneless wings.” Just because he was mad at Liz did not mean he was going to come out of this place without those wings. He knew better. She would slaughter him otherwise. “And give me an extra-large order of sweet potato fries with the marshmallow dipping sauce. Also I want and order of the mozzarella balls, the fried zucchini, and the fried pickles.” If he’s going to have to put up with his brother right now he’s going to need fried pickles.

 

“Of course you are getting the fried pickles.” His big brother said. Lisa go ahead and put this on my account to.” How did Jim know her?

 

"Actually Liz is paying.” Kevin interrupted because he did not need big brother swooping in to save the day. He didn’t even need Liz to pay. Thanks to Tarsus reparations a.k.a. hush money, he had a nice little trust fund and all he had to do was not tell the entire Federation how badly they fucked up the entire thing, starting with appointing a sadist to be in charge of the colony due to cronyism. If Liz’s foster mother hadn’t told Starfleet to get fucked and go to Tarsus anyway thousands more would’ve died. It was already a genocidal bloodbath before they got there.

 

"I can treat my baby brother every once in a while." Jim smiled and Lisa was already charging him for the food.

 

"When you remember you have a brother." Kevin mumbled under breath. But Jim obviously heard him since big brother seemed to be pissed.

 

"Lisa, can you bring this stuff and what I ordered earlier to the car.” Jim actually fluttered his eyelashes at her. Kevin just rolls his eyes. This is the number one reason why Kevin is shocked that the habitual flirt is getting married. Must be an open marriage.

 

“No problem Jim. Anything else?"

 

"I would ask you to add vodka to my screwless screwdriver, but I’m sure you will report everything to Bones." Jim joked.

 

“I think I still have Dr. McCoy’s number on my communicator to call in case you do something stupid. How long are you going to be on planet? We should hang out. It could be like old times.” Considering she was adjusting her cleavage, Kevin knew exactly what ‘old times’ actually involved. Kevin would not be surprised at all if they had slept together before because his big brother was such a player and an equal opportunist.

 

“Yes but hopefully without…”

 

"He is engaged…” Kevin interrupted. “To a guy.” That’s when Lisa noticed Jim’s engagement ring.

 

"You’re getting married? Mister I-don’t-do-second-dates is getting married? Not that I blame you considering what ever happened to make your therapist suggest our little band of recovering bad asses to help you work through it. You refuse to give me any details, but…”

 

"I didn’t do second dates because I was looking for someone special and I found him.” Jim interrupted. “He even knows about the circumstances about how we ended up meeting."

 

"You’re not marrying Dr. McCoy are you? He was always so protective of you.”

 

"We would kill each other within a month.” Jim laughed. “There’s a reason why we stopped living together at the Academy.”

 

"He kept you from getting laid.” Kevin mumbled under breath. For some reason Lisa was now glaring at him.

 

"Why does everybody think I’m a slut?” Jim mumbled in Vulcan possibly forgetting that was one of the languages that Kevin was studying. Unlike Jim, Kevin was in Starfleet because this was the fastest way into the intergalactic service. He wanted to be a diplomat and that was where most of his classes have been tracking. He was just doing the science track too as a backup.

 

“Yes, we are all well aware that you’re completely in love with your husband and would not even think about looking at someone else now.” Despite the sarcasm Kevin knew that Jim was in love with Spock. The way Jim looks at Spock makes this pretty obvious. The way he gushed about him in emails after coming clean about their relationship made it clear. But Kevin wasn’t sure his soon to be Vulcan brother-in-law felt the same way about Jim. He was not overly demonstrative about his feelings. Maybe it was a culture thing, but it just didn’t feel right to Kevin. However, Kevin pushed it out of his mind as he tried to get Lisa to go out with him one more time.

 

“However, unlike my big brother I’m available.” He gave her the patented Kirk smile guaranteed to get any girl’s pants off.

 

"I usually try to avoid guys who are completely in love with their best friends. I also try to avoid self-absorbed assholes and you appear to be both."

 

"Liz is just a friend.” Jim just gives him a strange look.

 

“That’s the part you find offensive? I think somebody protests just a little too much. I said the same thing about Spock for months.” To illustrate his point Jim waved his engagement ring in Kevin’s face. He really really dislikes that ring.

 

Kevin remembered all the letters he got from Jim about his first officer and their friendship. And then all of a sudden he got the ‘guess what I’m Vulcan married to this guy’ letter. That resulted in Kevin and Liz searching every database available to make sure that his brother did not just do the Vulcan equivalent of getting drunk in New Vegas and accidentally getting married. Okay they were really looking for a way to get Jim out of it, or at least Kevin was. Now it was a real relationship at least on one side.

 

“The Vulcan guy who is completely addicted to our fried zucchini?" Lisa asked.

 

"That’s my fiancé. You should probably add extra zucchini to my order." Jim sighed.

 

"Why are all the hot guys gay?" Lisa shook her head.

 

“If we must put a label on it pansexual, but I’m not sure I can talk him into a threesome yet." Kevin just rolled his eyes again at that comment.

 

"You keep working on that. I’ll bring your food out to the car."

 

Two minutes later Kevin found himself dragged out to the very expensive vintage car that Jim just had to have.

 

"Seriously, why did you drag me out here?" Kevin said annoyed once they were actually sitting in the car.

 

"So you can yell at me without causing a security incident. I know you know about my warp core visions. So let’s just commence with the screaming."

 

"You mean how you walked into the warp core to keep Spock from doing the same thing because you kept having this recurring dream about it for months.

 

"Not really a dream but… Nyota said that you worked with Spock’s great uncle." Jim changed directions abruptly, but Kevin understood.

 

"Who is really your boyfriend’s twin in a matter of speaking.” Kevin said bluntly. He figured it out quite quickly. Jim responded by sighing.

 

“Yes in a top-secret, no non-federation way. I also know that you and Simmons did a ton of research on Vulcan bonding." Liz is such a tattletale. Although where is this going?

 

"I wanted to know what my big brother got himself into. I still don’t know a lot." _Except that it’s permanent._

 

"Did you ever get to the section on Vulcan mind melds?"

 

"Yes, what little there was." Which was about a page and a half.

 

"And you already know about other Spock, so when everything blew up last year other Spock had to give me as much information about what happened in a very small amount of time so he did a Vulcan mind meld. However in the process, he passed a lot of information to me that he shouldn’t have including the fact…"

 

“What does that have to do with…” Kevin tried to interrupt but he was cut off by Jim.

 

“Including how he died. He passed along memories of dying. I watched my other self react to Spock dying. Seeing something like that was a real mind fuck” Jim confessed. Kevin didn’t understand.

 

“He seems very alive to me right now." Kevin snarked.

 

"I should be dead right now too, but I’m not. Maybe they did the same thing to him. I don’t know. That information was fuzzy and the timelines are not the same. My other self was with you on Tarsus."

 

"Shit!" He wouldn’t want any version of Jim to go through that hell. It’s been more than a decade and Kevin still has nightmares about it. The smell of death is not something that you ever forget.

 

"On the bright side, less people died because there were less people on the planet." But they probably still starved to death or were murdered by that nut job for the supposed greater good.

 

"What does this have to do with you walking into your death so Spock would not since apparently what you saw was real?" Kevin asked because he really did not want to talk at all about Tarsus.

 

"There’s no such thing as coincidence, Kevin. The residual effects of the mind meld gave me memories that I thought were dreams about Spock dying. I told Dr. Suarez about those dreams and you know how much she loves her notepad PADD and her private therapy notes. Dr. Suarez’s bitchy assistant wanted to get in to Bones’ pants and wanted a new Captain for reasons only she knows. She gave certain members of Starfleet who absolutely hate me copies of Dr. Suarez’s non-Starfleet notes.”

 

“How did that lead…”

 

“Seriously, can’t you just let me explain things, Kevin? This entire incident was engineered for me to react the way I did. They used years of psychological data to set this thing up to result in war with the Klingons. Even Stacy and I refuse to call him a doctor was manipulating things. Before he came to Enterprise, he was John Harrison’s therapist. It’s pretty obvious he made an unstable person even more unstable. Stacy also made it even harder for Spock to come up with a different way to handle the Nibiru situation that would not have resulted in us breaking the Prime Directive and therefore forcing us to confess to our mistake.”

 

"Hence setting off this entire misadventure." Kevin sighed. “I’m not sure if I really believe you. Marcus is dead and Liz’s mom is now in charge of Starfleet.

 

"You can’t account for everything of course. I bet K wasn’t expecting the powers that be to have some common sense and give his dream job to Simmons mom. Actually he was planning to…” Jim stops speaking abruptly. Kevin knows what is going on because you learn a lot when you’re supposed to be studying at Admiral Chan’s house. Let’s just say Kevin learned all sorts of ancient Chinese curse words last night.

 

"I know it was really good that Liz’s sister went into labor when she did. I have baby pictures now." He pulled out his PADD.

 

"Of course you do.” Jim said as he grabbed the PADD. “She is adorable. Look, what I’m trying to say is you can’t blame Spock for me doing what I did. I know somewhere in your mind you think that I only did what I did to save Spock from dying but that’s not why I went to that warp…"

 

"But you did.” Kevin cut him off before he could finish lying. “You said it yourself. It wasn’t for the crew, it was for Spock. You were willing to do whatever you had to do, even give up your life just to make sure Spock lived. You did it for Spock and only Spock. You were going to leave me behind for him and that’s not…" A hot tear ran down Kevin’s cheek.

 

"So you’re reading my therapy diary now?” Jim did not look annoyed, just resigned.

 

"No," Jim proceeded to glare at him. It was as if he knew that Kevin was lying.

 

"Yes, but what option did I have? You don’t tell me stuff. I had no idea that Winona was so…"

 

"Completely fucked up?” Kevin just nodded his head. “Kevin, you were the one who helped me get her into rehab the first time. How could you not realize that there were problems?”

 

"I thought she was better. Unlike you, I’ve been home for the last three years before you… You think I would be more aware of what’s going on in my own household." Yet the house filled with liquor bottles and a passed out Winona completely threw him off.

 

"Because she always keeps how bad things are from the baby. The first time she came home before you came home I never saw the drinking. Sam did but I didn’t. Then when you both came back, I was the one who…" Jim closed his eyes.

 

"Took care of everything.” Kevin supplied. Up until he left for the Academy, Jim took care of everything even getting him ready for school. “I talked to Shawn. I know about the contingency plan and the medical powers of attorney. Why didn’t you tell me any of this?"

 

"Because you’re 18. Because you shouldn’t be dealing with any of this."

 

“That is fucking bullshit. If you died I would have been stuck with it. If you really believe that, you wouldn’t have…" _Made yourself a sacrificial lamb._

 

"Left.” Jim supplied instead. “I didn’t leave you behind. I just couldn’t stay in Riverside any longer. It was suffocating. I was… I just needed more than what the city could give me."

 

“You mean what we could give you." _Do you really care about us?_

 

"Kevin, I didn’t leave you. I brought you up for every single siblings’ day. I emailed you constantly. I still email you constantly. I just… I didn’t take Alayna’s death very well. Everything was just too much after she was gone and I was doing stupid stuff like getting into bar fights and…"

 

“Fucking around with half of Riverside." Kevin supplied causing Jim to look very upset.

 

"Great, even my own brother believes that bullshit. Not true, not true at all, not true one little bit." Jim was so furious that he was shaking.

 

“I saw you with everyone. How could it not be true?"

 

“The same way you didn’t notice how fucked up Winona was. You saw what you wanted to see. You saw what I wanted you to see. I did not fuck every girl in Riverside. Nor did I sleep with half the girls at the Academy."

 

"I know that there would have been at least a few guys involved." Kevin quipped.

 

"It was a façade, a way to pretend everything was normal when it never was. It was an easy role to play. I was never that person. If you count Spock, I’ve had sex with 10 people. I was 20 the first time, the first time that actually counted anyway.” That last part was mumbled under breath.

 

Kevin knew what he was talking about only because he read the really angry letter that Jim wrote to Frank. After that Kevin stayed away from most of the therapy letters until Starfleet/Mommy Chan had him go through his brother’s email to disprove certain accusations.

 

“I think you’re lying. I remember Natalie. I caught her with her hand down your pants." Kevin argued.

 

"And you have no idea how happy I was when my little nosy brother walked in on everything. I was already trying to figure out a way to get out of there." Jim confessed.

 

"I’m good at acting-- of pretending things are okay. Of putting on a happy façade. I wanted you to have a good life so I pretended that I was okay, that Winona was okay. I want you to have this-- I didn’t know all the details at the time, but I knew that Tarsus fucked you up.” He twitches a little at the T word.

 

"And you do now?" Kevin asked.

 

"I finally broke down and used my security clearance to access the Tarsus files. I now know that Mom slit that bastard’s throat.” She also cut off his dick, but that probably didn’t make it into even the classified Starfleet report."

 

"So you tried to make up for everything to me by keeping how bad Winona was away from me. By keeping the truth about Frank from me? By just hopping on a shuttle to San Francisco without even bothering to call me until you were already in Starfleet? By getting engaged to somebody I never met without even telling me that you were dating him?" Kevin screamed.

 

“I told you long before we got together that I was attracted to Spock. You also knew that we were dating before I proposed to him." Jim yelled right back.

 

"Your first letter about being with Spock told me about the bonding. That meant you were already engaged." Kevin argued.

 

"Actually we were… You know, never mind.” Jim sighed exasperatedly. “You’re not going to believe any argument I have to say because you’re not listening to me.”

 

“Because you left me. You left me for Starfleet. Then you left me for Enterprise and now you’re leaving me for Spock.”

 

“That’s not true. You’re always going to be my brother.”

 

“I don’t know what that means to you. You always saw Dr. Alayna more as your mom then Winona.” Kevin spat out bitterly.

 

“That is not…”

 

“Yes it is. You don’t even call Winona ‘mom’.”

 

“Because unlike you, she didn’t protect me from the monster. She never cut off Frank’s dick for me.” Okay, they did put that in the classified version. “She killed for Sam, but not me so maybe I did see my therapist as more of a mother then my actual mom, but that says more about what’s going on with Winona then me.”

 

“So you’re happy she is now in the hospital again because she tried to drink herself to death after you did your heroic suicide? In that twisted mind of yours, does that prove that she actually cares about you?" Kevin asked bitterly.

 

“Kevin that is not what is going on. What Winona does is…”

 

“What if she succeeded? What if you succeeded? I watched my whole family be murdered in front of me. I will not do it again. I can’t…” Jim tried to wrap an arm around him, but Kevin just pushed him away.

 

“Did that classified report tell you that I watched my dad be executed and mom be cut to pieces? How some people actually ate…” He couldn’t even say it. He was sick at the mere thought of what happened.

 

“Afterwards, Winona was all I had. She protected us kids, all of us really, but especially Liz and me. She kept us alive. And then she wouldn’t let me go after they rescued us even though mommy Chan said I could live with her. Then we had you and I had a family again. I don’t want to be alone again.” Kevin was shaking.

 

"I’m not leaving you. I didn’t die. Winona didn’t die. She’s just a little unwell and she’ll get better. She always does.” There is a certain amount of hollowness in Jim’s words as if he doesn’t believe anything he’s actually saying, at least that last part anyway.

 

“You are. You’re getting married and then you are going to go off into space and completely forget that I even exist.”

 

“Okay, first of all, despite all arguments of nepotism, you’re going to be doing your internship on Enterprise even if I have to beg Chan to do it. It won’t even be an issue if they decide that Spock is more responsible than me.”

 

“Why would they…” Kevin started to say, but Jim would not let him finish his question.

 

“Second, just because I’m getting married doesn’t mean that I’m not going to have time for you or that I don’t care about you or that I’m trying to replace you or whatever crazy idea you have in your head.”

 

“It’s not a crazy idea. For the last six months, every single email has been about Spock. Whenever you call all you do is talk about Spock. While we were in the hospital, you couldn’t even be away from him for more than a few minutes for us to talk.”

 

“That’s not even true. Yes, we were very attached right after I woke up out of a _coma_ , but Spock was a little clingy after… You know I’m not even going to do this right now. I’m getting married in two days.”

 

“What?” _Too soon._

 

“There are certain entities in Starfleet that are trying to completely fuck with our relationship for whatever reason. You already know about one of the conspiracies and I’m not going down without a fight so we’re going to make sure that we absolutely positively qualify for tandem assignments and I would like my brother there.”

 

“I’m not really your brother though. Sam was your brother, I’m just some…”

 

“Don’t even say that. You’re like the only family member I actually like.”

 

“Hey, don’t growl at me. Things are really complicated with Winona.” _Things are really complicated with us._

Thankfully at that moment, Lisa knocked on the windshield.

 

“I brought your food and I added extra everything to your bag.” She winks at Jim and Kevin takes that opportunity to get the hell out of that car.

 

“We’ll talk later. I need to get Liz her food, otherwise she will be really cranky.” Kevin said just before literally running away.

 

“They still think they’re just friends?” Lisa asks Jim.

 

“Completely.” He could hear the two exchange in the background, but he really wasn’t paying attention. He was busy compiling a text message to his so-called best friend.

 

 

Liz, you are so dead.

To be continued.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you really think they would solve everything in one conversation? These boys have issues. 
> 
>  
> 
> Anyway remember to feed your writer. I take reviews, kudos, favorites, followers, and anything else. Happy writers write faster. 
> 
>  
> 
> In the meantime you can always check out some of my other stories including my new one Hydra lullaby: Origin Story for the MCU and my other Star Trek story the Idiot’s Guide to Family Bonding.


	28. Making Peace with the Things you Cannot Change (Handle Your Shit Like a Grown-up)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. Yes those boys are stubborn. Anyway enjoy the next chapter brought to you by snow days for adults. If I didn’t get a snow day it would probably be another week before this chapter was ready.
> 
> Note: There’s an entire section in this chapter that takes place via the 23rd century equivalent to text messaging.
> 
> Also I’ve been writing the series for more than four years and I honestly cannot remember if I gave Dr. Suarez a first name and I can’t find my notes about it so I gave her a new first name.

After walking around the pond six times, Spock and Cadet Simmons returned to the bar to find James in his convertible with his head pressed against the steering wheel.

 

"Okay, I take it things went badly." The cadet remarked after observing the scene.

 

"Liz, I take it you set up that little confrontation?” James pointed to Cadet Simmons.

 

“Of course I did.” The cadet responded with a smirk. “An intervention was necessary because I can only deal with Kevin complaining about you for so long before I’m tempted to knock him out. You and Kevin are absolutely horrible at talking about your feelings or communication in general and you obviously needed a little push. So what happened?"

 

"Look, I don’t want to talk about it. It’s too classified." Jim’s head goes back down on the steering wheel. There is at least a 35% chance this is not just an excuse to avoid discussing what occurred between the two brothers.

 

“So I’m going to take it that the conversation actually did involve his abandonment issues and his paranoia over you trading him for the new sexier model that gives you orga…"

 

"Liz," James cut off the cadet.

 

"What! I’m 20. I haven’t been a blushing virgin for a very long time."

 

"And I’ve known you since you were 11 and I don’t want to think about that. Unless Kevin gets a clue and you end up my future sister-in-law in about 10 years. Actually make it 15 years, I’m too young to be an uncle." The cadet rolls her eyes at James.

 

"Really, we are just friends."

 

"So were we.” James points to Spock. “Actually there’s a word in the Vulcan language that means friend, family, and lover simultaneously.” Cadet Simmons responded with a roll of her eyes once more.

 

"I’m just going to ignore that and promise to try to calm him down."

 

"Do you think you can calm Kevin down enough to show up at my wedding in two days?” James asked with a hint of worry in his voice.

 

"I may have to call in the big guns. I’ll try, but I can’t promise miracles." And with that the cadet hugged James.

 

"You do that. He actually listens to you on occasion."

 

“Very few occasions. It must be a Kirk thing.” Cadet Simmons said as she pulled away.

 

"Are you okay? Spock asked James once the cadet was gone and he was sitting in the passenger seat.

 

"You hate that word. It’s too ambiguous."

 

"Because I’m aware that you are distressed, I wanted to give you ‘an easy out’ as humans would say."

 

“I am distressed. Kevin feels like I’ve abandoned him because I decided to have a life outside of Iowa and get married. Which isn’t fair.” James shakes his head.

 

“Why do you feel that way?”

 

"Because even when I was light years away, I never stopped caring. Kevin never missed a Siblings’ Weekend at the Academy. I emailed him constantly even when we were in places where it would take a week and a half for him to get an email. I had a contingency plan in place for a Winona episode so Kevin would not have to deal with it. I talked with Kevin’s professors at the Academy weekly if not daily. I saved his ass after the professor Randall incident. That’s a hell of a lot more than Winona ever did when she was away in space." There was resentment in James’ voice.

 

"Your brother accidentally destroyed a professor’s vehicle with a large container of questionably obtained alcohol. Punishment was warranted."

 

"Really, its Starfleet’s fault for not giving professors belowground parking and putting that particular residence downhill.” James justified. “Still better than what Scotty did with that poor beagle."

 

"Kevin is unaware of your intervention?"

 

"Well he now knows all about the contingency plan with Winona.” Spock stares at James for a moment. “Kevin’s mad at me for what I did in the warp core. He wants to blame you because you’re the new element in our relationship, but these problems have always been here.”

 

"But my presence is making these pre-existing problems more prevalent.” Spock questioned.

 

"No, it’s making us realize that these problems are there in the first place and they have always been there. It’s making us unable to keep pretending that our relationship is perfectly fine when it’s obvious it’s not. You should know we’re both experts at that.”

 

“I am aware.”

 

“You know that today was the first time Kevin ever told me the tiniest bit about what he witnessed on the planet of the damned. He would wake up in the middle of the night screaming and he would never tell me why. Never. His parents were murdered on that planet.”

 

"You already knew that." Spock said referring to when they accessed the classified files related to the incident.

 

“Those files were sugarcoated and even before I read the files, I knew the couple being dead was highly probable. Why else would a child be placed with Winona unless his parents were participants in the genocide, which could’ve been possible.” Spock felt it best not to point out the fallacies in James argument. “But instead he watched as they were murdered in front of him which totally explains his abandonment issues.”

 

"Dr. Suarez once told me that I am not responsible for the emotional well-being of others only for myself and that I cannot save everyone. That they must be willing to deal with their own issues."

 

"When did she tell you this?" James asked.

 

"The last time we discussed Nyota’s depression regarding recent events." That session was two days ago.

 

"She said something similar every time Winona tried to swallow a bottle of pills or got so drunk I was certain alcohol poisoning was just seconds from happening. I just don’t know what to do to make Kevin realize that I really do love him and I’m not going to cut him out of my life just because I’m getting married." James hand goes back on the steering wheel and Spock places a hand on his shoulder.

 

"Do you want to postpone the civil ceremony?"

 

“No,” James answered right before kissing him “He’ll get over it or he won’t be there, but there’s only so much I can do.” Spock could hear the frustration in James’ voice. “Unfortunately knocking literal sense in to him is not an option.”

 

"Maybe we could set up a mediation session with Dr. Margarita.” Even Spock does not like to use her last name.

 

“Later. Can we just go home? I got you fried zucchini.” James smiled at him.

 

"Since you are the one sitting in the driver seat that is solely your decision." Spock quipped.

 

"Why do you have to be so literal sometimes?” There was no malice in his words. James actually smirked when he said the words.

 

“Because my behavior has resulted in you smiling.” This resulted in Spock receiving another kiss.

XXXXXX

"Let me just say I’m happy that you’re both here.” Dr. Anna Suarez said as soon as Nyota and Leonard walked into the private dining room at Executor, one of the nicer restaurants around. Margarita was the one who chose the location. Anna agreed that a non-medical setting would probably be conducive to a productive session. Actually she felt a non-Starfleet setting would be even more conducive, considering the role that a certain Starfleet nurse and fellow psychologist played in this entire catastrophe. It was the entire reason she was purposely dressed in civilian attire.

 

They looked happy. They were holding hands which she took as a positive sign. Okay the fact that they were not screaming at each other was a positive sign. Maybe this session would not be a complete disaster.

 

“I’ve always wanted to try the food here.” Nyota said taking the seat beside her. Anna was halfway convinced that was the main reason why the couple did not cancel the session. Maybe Margarita had the right idea after all.

 

"My sister will be happy to know that.” The other doctor walked into the room dressed in jeans and a T-shirt. Margarita forgot to say they were dressing casually, otherwise she would not have dressed in a business suit. “She owns this restaurant.”

 

"And she was happy to let us use one of the private dining rooms for this session." Anna explained.

 

"I feel this session might be more productive if it takes place in a nontraditional setting." _Away from reminders of the people who hurt you._ However, that part went unsaid.

 

"If things get really uncomfortable, we can always talk about the appetizers." Leonard joked as he fiddled with the tablecloth. It was obvious he was nervous. The question was why.

 

"Like you did last night with Jim.” Nyota said pointedly. She knew there was a lot of tension between the two. Her email conversations with James pointed to that. But she wanted the man to admit that to her.

 

“So you spoke with Jim last night?” Anna asked and he just nodded his head. She needed more than that. “How did that discussion go?”

 

“About as well as it could.” Leonard shrugged.

 

“We actually talk things out good or I’m looking into transferring to another ship good?” Her colleague prompted before she could.

 

“We did talk some things out. I admitted that I was unhappy because I was worried about losing him to the hobgoblin because he’s been such a lovesick fool lately and was pulling away because of a lot of things. I also told him that I’m not upset about him marrying Spock because I want to sleep with him.” Okay she definitely needs an explanation for that.

 

“I did agree to be the best man at his legal maneuver of a wedding tomorrow.” The way he referred to it as a legal maneuver had her itching to scribble some notes about this. However, after the incident where her personal PADD was breached she felt it best not to.

 

“I also got the hell out of there before Jim and his brother could start screaming at each other.” As somebody who has moderated a Kirk family therapy session, Anna completely understands the desire to get out of there as quickly as possible.

 

"They’re getting married tomorrow and you didn’t tell me?" Nyota turned around to face her boyfriend. At least, Anna hoped he was her boyfriend again.

 

“I was going to tell you tonight. We had other things to talk about.” Leonard shrugged. Nyota still looked furious. It was obvious by her crossed arms that she did not accept his explanation.

 

“That may very well be true, but I think this also qualifies as important. You could’ve told me about it this morning. I’m going to have to buy a dress. Also you need to get a suit.” Anna is positive she made a move to grab her PADD out of her purse so she could start looking for stuff now, but she stopped herself.

 

“I don’t see why. You would look good in a burlap sack.” Nyota smiled at that.

 

“Good answer.” Dr. Margarita said with a smirk.

 

“Also I could just wear my dress uniform.” However, the frown she was now sporting told everyone that was not an option.

 

“There’s a shopping center not that far from here. We can stop there after the session.” Nyota suggested.

 

“Wedding preparations can wait till after the session. Let’s focus on…” Anna started, but is interrupted by Nyota.

 

“It’s tomorrow. Why are they giving me so little time? Why are they getting married so soon?” Anna was wondering the same thing. It was either Jim being extremely emotionally needy or some other reason.

 

“According to Jim, it is because certain Idiots in Starfleet were trying to completely wreck their relationship and not because he can’t bear to be without his precious hobgoblin for more than two minutes at a time.”

 

“I’m sensing some resentment. Would you like to elaborate on that?” Margarita asked as Anna was trying to figure out how to ask Jim about the reason behind the timing of his upcoming nuptials.

 

“That’s really obvious.” Nyota sighed. “Although just because you have Spock issues doesn’t mean…”

 

“Sorry I didn’t want to talk about your ex-boyfriend getting married last night since I felt it was more important for us to talk about why we started fighting in the first place.”

 

“And keeping your voices at a nice reasonable tone is a good way to actually avoid said fighting.” Margarita intervened. “For the rest of this session we are going to use our indoor voices and let the other person finish their sentence. We are also going to listen to what they say before we respond. Okay?” Both readily nodded their heads.

 

“You said that you guys talked some things out yesterday right?” Both nodded their heads again at Margarita’s question. “So what conclusion did you come to?”

 

“That we need to stop listening to the Enterprise rumor mill.” Nyota said looking directly at Leonard.

 

“And we need to actually talk to each other more.” Margarita just stared at Leonard for a moment. “Okay we have to actually listen to what the other person says before we start talking and not just pretend to listen.” It would be really unprofessional to start cheering, but she was tempted.

 

“How is that coming along?” Anna asked managing not to make the phrase sound sarcastic. Their earlier behavior showed that there’s room for improvement, to say the very least.

 

“We both showed up here.” The couple said simultaneously.

 

“Why?” Anna asked.

 

“Because there are things that we need to talk about that I don’t think we can talk about without medical supervision.” Leonard told the group.

 

“Such as?” Margarita asked.

 

“Can we order first? Why are there no menus?” Nyota asked in an effort to avoid the question.

 

“We’re getting the tasting menu.” Margarita paused. “Okay, we’re going to be Carmen’s guinea pigs for the July tasting menu. But since we are eating experimental food, we don’t have to pay.”

 

“Always a winner.” Leonard smirked.

 

“Now what issues do you think you’re not able to deal with on your own and you need our help for?” Margarita prompted.

 

“Actually wouldn’t it just be you since Dr. Suarez is leaving soon?” Nyota asked.

 

“You know I will always be just a call away, but considering my actions led to…” You becoming pregnant in the first place which eventually led to you losing that child, I don’t think I should participate too much in some of this. However, she doesn’t say that. She’s not sure how to say that even if she could.

 

“You didn’t spike my birth-control.” And yet she’s been working with Nyota long enough for her to instinctively understand what she wanted to say or rather needed to say.

 

“That would be one of the issues we need your help with discussing.” Leonard sighed.

“Why would we need professional help to discuss the evil one who arranged to get me pregnant just so she could prove what a huge slut I am for the sole purpose of getting in your pants?” ‘Because you referred to the situation like that.’ Anna will keep those thoughts to herself.

 

“Let’s see, it was the nurse I hired who was apparently so obsessed with me, she switched out your birth control with fertility drugs. If you never got pregnant and subsequently became unpregnant, you would not have been crying in your room for the last few days.”

 

“I have not been sitting up in my room crying.” Nyota said defensively.

 

“The soundproofing in the house isn’t that good.” Leonard said pointedly.

 

“Actually she was my nurse and she broke into my therapy journals and used that information against everyone, including the two of you. If anybody is going to take the blame for what happened then, it should be me.” She should’ve known that her files had been breached.

 

“Are we going to have to have the ‘you are not responsible for the stupidity of others’ discussion, again?” Margarita looked directly at her.

 

“No.”

 

“What happened was not right. It wasn’t. But you are not responsible for her actions. She is and I say that to both of you.”

 

“But…” Leonard tried to argue, but Margarita held up a hand.

 

“Leonard, did you realize that she had non-platonic feelings for you?” Margarita asked.

 

“She did ask me out on numerous occasions, but that’s not horribly uncommon among those on my team. Christine did that a lot before redirecting her fixation to Spock.”

 

“What was your response?” Anna asked as a follow-up.

 

“That I wasn’t interested because I was with somebody that I really cared about. I also told her that even if I was available, I don’t date people who work under me and if she doubted me on that, she could call up Christine Chapel.”

 

“And you didn’t show her any signs that you could be interested? Did you flirt with her? Anything at all?” Margarita asked.

 

“No, I didn’t even eat lunch with her even though she tried to on many occasions. I did everything possible to keep our relationship strictly professional.”

 

“So you did nothing to encourage her behavior and yet she still behaved the way that she did?” Leonard just nodded his head in affirmation at Margarita’s question.

 

“That means you are not responsible for her actions.”

 

“So she just assumed that I was a slut because she was a jealous… person.” The last minute word change was obvious.

 

“You can say bitch if you need to say bitch.” Margarita offered. “This is a free space. Nothing you say will be repeated outside of this room.”

 

“Nor will it be jotted down in a therapy Journal that could be used against you later on.” It was inevitable that one of Anna’s snarky comments would actually make it past her lips during the session. Margarita did not look pleased.

 

“Did you give her the password to your special PADD?” Margarita turned to her.

 

“No.” Anna answered quickly.

 

“Did you ever give her access privileges to this device?”

 

“No, she made a copy of it and then sent it off to Marcus’ team to be decrypted.” And then she destroyed all video files of her doing exactly that.

 

“Did you follow all protocols when securing the device?”

 

“It was locked in a safe in my office.”

 

“Did you ever give her the combination?”

 

“No, but that would be impossible because it was biometric. She overrode those controls because it was a Starfleet safe and all Starfleet safes have a master override.”

 

“This is a question for both of you. Was there anything in her work history that indicated that Yu would behave the way she did?” Margarita asked.

 

“That’s because Marcus or K or someone working under him removed anything that would be a flag.” Anna explained. She was furious when she found out about that although it wasn’t quite as bad as when she found out K purposely chose Stacy to be part of his scheme because he knew he could exploit his connection to her dead wife to get a recommendation out of her.

 

“And they adjusted all the other applicants’ resumes to be…

 

“Completely horrible.” She finished for Leonard.

 

“So you were essentially manipulated into hiring her as part of the plan?” Margarita asked ever so logically.

 

“We still… Yes.” Leonard admitted just as there was a knock at the door.”

 

“Come on in, Kerala.” Margarita waived in the server who was carrying several trays of food.

 

“I have the first course Carmen has prepared.” She said placing several appetizers in the center of the table.

 

“Just please tell me there’s no squid. Last year there was a squid plate that was pretty unbearable.”

 

“We have Kobe beef sliders with spicy fried pickles and a honey Maple aioli. I also brought an order of the tempura fried green beans so you can try out the new dipping sauces.”

 

“How many contain ghost peppers?”

 

“Only the honey pepper sauce.”

 

“I don’t believe you, or rather I don’t believe my sister. Bring milk.” She said as the server departed.

 

“Try the food and then we will start with a very lively discussion about the great Starfleet conspiracy.” Margarita said as she grabbed a burger.

 

“I think we’re going to need something stronger than milk for that discussion”. Leonard sighed.

 

“Milk is what you’re getting. I don’t endorse alcohol as a coping mechanism.”

 

“What about chocolate?” Nyota asked.

 

“Of course.” Anna and Margarita said simultaneously. Anna was starting to feel a lot better about her impending departure to New Vulcan. Margarita was definitely no Stacy Cruz.

 

XXXXX

Jim was sitting at home resting (i.e. recovering from being dragged out by his helmsman to get a suit for tomorrow’s courthouse appearance) when his communicator finally went off. Okay he was at home, but not necessarily resting and he was reading various medical journal articles on the effect of radiation on fertility. This was in no way a reaction to Bones’ news that he was now sterile thanks to his big damn hero moment. This behavior is not connected at all.

 

Okay, maybe he practically ran to the other side of the room to get his communicator because he was hoping that Kevin stopped being a dick and actually called. This may also be why he answered the communicator the way he did.

 

“Kevin, seriously why did you…”

 

“Not Kevin.” He heard a voice that was very distinctly female replied.

 

“Admiral Pike.” And doesn’t it just kill him a tiny little bit to say that to somebody who’s not Chris. Actually, it breaks his heart into 1000 little pieces that he hasn’t had time to deal with yet. Jim is still in the ‘this is all my fault’ stage of grief.

 

“Nhi, it’s always been Nhi to you. Well unless we’re at work.” Nhi responded cheekily.

 

“I wasn’t sure if I still have that privilege.” Yes they talked since he’s woken up from not dying a little, but most of those conversations have revolved around the grand conspiracy of the Federation to get Admiral K Marcus’ old job and him avoiding any discussions about Chris’s Memorial service. He’s not ready to talk about that now nor ever.

 

“You didn’t kill Chris.” She said for the 99th time. Jim still doesn’t believe her

 

“If I didn’t fuck up he would not have been in that room.” There was a little voice inside his head reminding him that the entire situation was actually engineered for him to fuck up but he tended not to listen to that voice.

 

“It’s Chris. Terrorists were bombing Starfleet installations. Of course he would’ve been in that room. I was also supposed to be in that room during the attack. I just didn’t get there in time for what happened.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I was on the other side of town with Admiral Chan when I was called. Then I had to deal with traffic and a checkpoint officer who couldn’t find my name on the stupid list.” Nhi explained. “I was just coming up in the elevator when…”

 

“John Harrison opened fire.” Jim finished for her using the guide’s official leave recognized Federation name since who knows who could be listening in on this conversation.”

 

“Yes. You’re not the only one playing the what-if game. If we weren’t fighting that night, he would have been with me instead of going to look for you.” Jim was well aware that he was the subject of that fight, but he decided not to mention that.

 

“If the two of you were together, you both would have been stuck in traffic. Also that makes it more my fault because if I wasn’t avoiding my boyfriend and sulking at the bar, then he never would’ve went to look for me in the first place.” Jim lamented. He also wished that Spock had not purged their apartment of all alcohol products because he kind of needed a drink right now. Evil, evil fiancé. Complete bastard for trying to take care of him like that.

 

“Your logic is very circular.” Jim was just sure that Nhi was shaking her head at him.

 

“It is my logic.” Jim just shrugged.

 

“Which is anything but rational.”

 

“You’re not going to convince me otherwise.” Jim crossed his arms.

 

“Despite the fact that we now know that we were being manipulated.”

 

“If I never told Dr. Suarez about those dreams, none of this would’ve ever happened.”

 

“K wanted power and he wanted you out of the way and he preyed on Marcus’s paranoia. They would have come up with some other way to get what they wanted. That’s how conspiracies work. You were manipulated.” Nhi said, trying to justify everything that happened.

 

“I allowed myself to be manipulated.” He should’ve known that Stacy was fucking around with everything. Definitely should have realized that Yu had a very unhealthy interest in Bones.

 

“If you’ve allowed yourself to be manipulated, then it cannot be actual manipulation. However, we have proven that you were manipulated, therefore you are not culpable for what happened.”

 

“Now you’re the one with the confusing circular logic.” Jim sighed. “So why did you call?”

 

“So I got an email last night telling me you’re getting married tomorrow. Is that true?” Jim wouldn’t be surprised if that happened because someone, Sulu won’t say who, sent him an email as well. Of course the navigator’s response was to make them go suit shopping.

 

“More like we are just filing the civil paperwork. The real wedding will be in December.” Some vows may need to be said, but he wasn’t entirely sure about that yet.

 

“I’m officiating so I need to know what time to meet you at the courthouse. Yes I can marry people in any municipality in the U. S.”

 

“You don’t have to,”

 

“I am. I know you wanted Chris to be there, but I am the next best thing.” There’s a sense of sadness in her voice that just breaks him. “I’m not taking no for an answer.”

 

“You are the best thing.” Jim says swallowing hard trying not to cry. “Who told you about the wedding in the first place? Was it Spock?”

 

“Kevin.” Jim sighed at the name.

 

“He told you to get you to talk me out of it.” Jim was sure of this because he knew Kevin just a little too well at this point.

 

“Do you really want to know the answer to that?” No, not really, but he does need to know how big of an asshole his brother was being. Kevin was such a passive aggressive toddler sometimes.

 

“I can break into your email account.”

 

“That’s not something you should tell an Admiral, ever.” She actually laughed.

 

“I think most of Starfleet is familiar with my computer skills.” Jim smirked.

 

“Yes, thanks to you they’re trying to make the Kobayashi Maru hack proof. I think I’m on a committee about that, maybe.”

 

“I did Starfleet a favor. The systems were horrible.” There were so many vulnerabilities it was ridiculous. That was the whole reason why he reinforced his email system in the first place.

 

“I don’t think they all saw it that way.” She sighed. “Yes he did email me to talk you out of getting married. Then Admiral Chan’s youngest daughter Elizabeth sent me multiple emails to convince me to convince Kevin to stop being overly threatened by your boyfriend and talk to you again like a grown-up.” Jim is just shaking his head. He is not surprised at all that Nhi was the big gun that Liz was talking about earlier.

 

“We tried that last night. It went badly. It devolved into screaming and him running away. And apparently it also resulted in him trying to get you to convince me not to get married.” Jim threw his hands up in the air. He was halfway tempted to throw the communicator at the wall.

 

“You’re not actually calling to convince me to stop the wedding?”

 

“Did I not just offer to officiate the wedding tomorrow? I would not have made that offer if I did not believe in you and Spock. I’m well aware that Spock is completely in love with you.”

 

“How do you know that?” Because Spock is not the most demonstrative of lovers. He doesn’t shout I love you from the rooftops. He’s never been that type of Vulcan.

 

“I could say it’s because I had to edit the report about what he did to John Harrison after your big damn hero moment. But I didn’t need to know about that to know. I watched him as he waited for you to wake up. I know firsthand how hard it is to wait for someone to wake up.”

 

“Especially if you know they never will. I’m sorry…” He tried to apologize again, but Nhi cut him off.

 

“Don’t keep apologizing because you didn’t do anything that requires me to forgive you. It wasn’t your fault. I don’t know how many times I have to repeat that until you actually believe it, but I’ll keep doing that for forever if I have to.”

 

“I’m never going to believe it.” Jim whispers so low that he doesn’t think the communicator heard it. It was also at that moment he heard a knock at the front door

 

“Open the door, Jim.” He heard Nhi tell him. Actually he heard muffled voices outside as well.

 

“How do you know that somebody’s knocking on my door?” Jim asked.

 

“Because I’m the one knocking.” Jim checks the front door camera to see that it actually was Nhi and she’s carrying a very large starship replica in her hand. Jim quickly opens the door to usher her inside.

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

“Fulfilling Chris’s last request.” That’s when Jim realized that the replica was actually an urn. Of course he would request a starship replica as his final resting place.

 

“Is that Chris?”

 

“Hey you’re the one who keeps ignoring all my emails about setting a date for the Memorial service.”

 

“So you brought Chris to me?” He said looking at the replica dubiously.

 

“That and I decided that a memorial service would be a bad idea after the Carol Marcus incident.” In Jim’s opinion that was completely justified because her father was a Dick and she watched him be murdered in front of her. That’s really going to screw with your head.

 

“You need closure.”

 

“And how are we going to do that?” Because Jim wasn’t sure that was possible.

 

“Scatter his ashes over the San Francisco Bay. It was in his will.”

 

“Of course it was.” And yet despite his doubts and self-loathing, Jim follows her out of the apartment.

 

XXXX

UhuraNX: Seriously, why did you not tell me that you’re getting married tomorrow? I found out during therapy. Therapy!

 

SpockX: I was planning to tell you at lunch today, but you already had plans. Also we are not getting married tomorrow. We are obtaining a marriage license. The actual ceremony will not occur until December.

 

UhuraNX: I’m helping Leonard to pick out a suit for his role as best man. That means it’s a wedding.

 

SpockX: I do not understand your logic.

 

UhuraNX: Its best not to. Am I your best person?

 

SpockX: If you are up to partaking in such a role.

 

UhuraNX: I’m not fine, but better. I’m definitely well enough to put on a fancy dress and give you away to Jim. I already did it once.

 

SpockX: I already broke up with you several months before the start of my relationship with James. Also are you really feeling better or are you just merely trying to appease me?

 

UhuraNX: I’m not crying all the time, not that I was crying all the time. Therapy this afternoon was good. Most of it revolved around the conspiracy to get me pregnant to expose what a big whore I am, but it was still productive.

 

UhuraNX: Also never try anything called honey ghost pepper dipping sauce. I still can’t feel the roof of my mouth.

 

SpockX: I do not understand the human preoccupation with sex and using it as a means to demean.

 

UhuraNX: Didn’t bullies call your mom several synonyms for prostitute on Vulcan? That means this is not just a human thing.

 

SpockX: You may have a point.

 

UhuraNX: What colors will you be using?

 

SpockX: It’s a civil ceremony. We will determine what colors to use for the actual ceremony in December.

 

UhuraNX: We established that if I have to get my boyfriend a best man suit, it’s an actual wedding. Give me colors. I need something to work with.

 

SpockX: You’re referring to Leonard as your boyfriend again?

 

UhuraNX: Wedding colors? I’m waiting.

 

SpockX: I’m uncertain. James picked up a suit with the assistance of Mr. Sulu.

 

UhuraNX: He knew before I did?!!

 

SpockX: Mr. Sulu found out because James’ brother asked for his assistance in convincing James not to marry me.

 

UhuraNX: Instead, he helped Jim pick out a wedding suit?

 

SpockX: Yes.

 

 

UhuraNX: At least you now know that Sulu completely supports your relationship. Also now I know for sure that one of you will not show up in jeans and a T-shirt. I should probably text message Sulu.

 

SpockX: I will be wearing my formal robes.

 

UhuraNX: Of course you are. I assume the blue ones. Sulu said that the accents for Jim suit are blue. He also referred to Jim’s brother as a prick.

 

SpockX: Yes. You actually sent him a text message?

 

UhuraNX: Of course I did. He just sent me a picture. You’re going to love this.

 

UhuraNX: No, I will not send you the picture because that would be bad luck.

 

SpockX: I thought that human superstition only applied to brides?

 

UhuraNX: We are much more gender equal about our superstitions now. On the bright side, I can tell you that the color matches Jim’s eyes perfectly and it will look halfway decent on Leonard.

 

SpockX: Would you like to elaborate on the fact that you referred to Leonard as your boyfriend earlier during this text message exchange?

 

UhuraNX: Where are you?

 

SpockX: You did not answer my question.

 

UhuraNX: Nor am I planning to, at least not until you answer my question. You have to be somewhere where you can’t talk to me because you don’t like text messaging.

 

SpockX: I think it is disrespectful to engage in a conversation with someone else when working.

 

UhuraNX: Unless that someone is Jim.

 

SpockX: I’m waiting for Kevin to return from his afternoon Introduction to Romulan class.

 

UhuraNX: You’re not waiting to ambush him in his room?

 

UhuraNX: You are waiting for him! That’s why you’re not responding? Ambushing the guy will not help you guys work things out.

 

SpockX: I’m waiting for him in the community room.

 

UhuraNX: Like that’s so much better!!

 

UhuraNX: Considering what you told me about Sulu earlier, I’m going to take it that yesterday’s reunion between brothers went badly.

 

SpockX: In addition to contacting Mr. Sulu, he also contacted Admiral Pike to convince her to convince James not to go through with the ceremony tomorrow. I believe he turned to Mr. Sulu when that attempt failed.

 

UhuraNX: It is definitely time for a heart-to-heart with baby brother. Do you know why he hates you?

 

SpockX: He feels like I am usurping his place in James’ life.

 

UhuraNX: Jealous baby brother syndrome. Makes me very happy I’m an only child. I just wish the only child thing was for different reasons.

 

SpockX: I have answered your question. Now you must keep your part of the bargain.

 

UhuraNX: I made no such bargain.

 

SpockX: Nyota, answer my quarry.

 

UhuraNX: Have you ever had an argument with Jim where you don’t even remember why you started arguing in the first place?

 

SpockX: On numerous occasions.

 

UhuraNX: Last night we pretty much realized that neither one of us remembered what really triggered our initial split in the first place and maybe there’s just no point of fighting each other anymore.

 

SpockX: You and Leonard are back together?

 

UhuraNX: It’s complicated. The will is there, but we have issues that are not going to resolve themselves overnight. It’s even more complicated because of the ex-wife and trying to get visitation rights for his daughter. I don’t even know how to begin that conversation even with doctor supervision.

 

SpockX: You should just discuss the ex-wife directly.

 

UhuraNX: That would probably be easier if I didn’t know about it only because I read therapy journal excerpts that I never was supposed to in the first place.

 

SpockX: Kevin just walked in.

 

UhuraNX: Good luck and try not to get arrested. I will not get you out of jail. Also don’t kill the boy because Jim likes him a lot.

XXXX

 

“Wait, you actually tried to convince a Starfleet Admiral to talk your brother out of marrying Spock?” Liz actually laughs at him as he presses his hand against the entrance to his dormitory.

 

“Admiral Pike is always very reasonable.” He said right before walking to the lift. Sending that email made perfect sense at the time.

 

“Admiral Pike grew up on Vulcan and is probably more familiar with Vulcan customs then you and therefore isn’t that worried about the lack of flowers and declarations of love. She’s not even into that herself. Why did you even go to her? She is like the ultimate team Kock cheerleader.”

 

“That’s beside the point. Also please choose another Portmanteau Couple Name. This is my brother that you are talking about, not your favorite RPF pairing.” Kevin said as he walked out of the elevator.

 

“You are acting like a narcissistic toddler who doesn’t want to share his toys. I say this as your best friend, Kevin, get over yourself.”

 

“Says the girl who put the picture of her in her mom’s bag when she went to the hospital to have her baby sister Daisy.”

 

“Yes I did do that and that was stupid. Now I would do anything for Daisy to still be here.” Shit! Liz sounded like she was about to cry.

 

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have referenced anything that would remind you of what happened.” Because Daisy was so little and visually impaired, she had been one of the first executed on the planet of the damned.

 

“That place was a big part of our life. It completely screwed up our lives. But after everything we’ve gone through, don’t you think it’s stupid to hold onto petty grudges? The world is a bad horrible place. We lose people every day for the stupidest reasons. So why waste one moment being a stubborn asshole?” Okay maybe Liz had a point.

 

“When did you get so wise?”

 

“Sometime during running for my life on the planet of the damned. I have to get home, but I will call you later. Besides you have a future brother-in-law to talk to.” Liz said pointing to Spock, who was sitting on one of the couches with PADD in hand.

 

“Did you set this up?” He asked because that would be such a Liz thing to do. She already did it last night.

 

“Of course not. Now handle your shit like a grown-up.” He swears that Liz physically pushed him towards Spock. What type of best friend does that?

To be continued


	29. I Make This Suit Look Good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. We are definitely in the home stretch of the story.  
> The chapter you are about to read is very different than the one I outlined nearly a year and a half ago when I started this story. (Yes, I do outline these stories, although I rarely stick to what I have planned except in broad brush strokes. The reason why I had Spock Prime come to earth with Dr. Weston and Dr. Suarez was because I was planning a beautiful memorial scene where Number One, Spock Prime, and Jim scatter Pike’s ashes into the San Francisco Bay, along with Jim and Spock Prime discussing what it means to die and then come back to life and the consequences of such. However, in light of Leonard Nimoy’s death I just can’t write that chapter. Too painful. 
> 
> So the scene above did happen, but I’m not going to write about it in detail and we’re going to skip on to something happier (by the standards of this story anyway).

“We are just going to the courthouse. Again, why am I wearing this suit? Usually eloping doesn’t require this much scrutiny of the wardrobe.” Jim whined to Sulu as he looked at himself in the mirror. Jim was certain he said something similar yesterday when he was forced to pick up the thing. Seriously, why couldn’t he just wear his dress uniform? Spock wasn’t even going to be wearing a suit, even though he made formal wear look good, very good.

 

“Because if you’re lucky, you only get married once.” Sulu said from behind him, as Jim attempted to tie his tie for the eighth time.

 

“That shows what you know. I already have a second wedding planned.”

 

“To the same guy. It’s also going to be a formal Vulcan ceremony that will most likely happen on the colony.” Jim really had no choice about agreeing to a Vulcan ceremony because his almost father-in-law was not happy that the legal ceremony would be occurring without him. That was a fun conference with the ambassador last night, especially because Sulu wouldn’t let him see Spock.

 

“If I don’t have to wear a suit to the second wedding, why should I wear one for the first?” Jim said flippantly causing Sulu to sigh.

 

“You look good. Spock’s going to love it.”

 

“I don’t know that for sure because you and Admiral Pike will not let me see him.” Actually, after they scattered Chris’s ashes in the San Francisco Bay with other Spock tagging along for the goodbyes, the Admiral dropped him off at the Sulu family home in one of San Francisco’s historical districts. His suit, an overnight bag, and all of his toiletry stuff was already there. This was such a setup.

 

He wished they had talked to him before deciding that he would be spending the night away from Spock (by helping Sulu babysit his nieces, no less). Between saying goodbye to Chris and having a very long conversation with his fiancée’s other self about making the best of his second chance at life, Jim really wanted nothing more than to spend the night wrapped in Spock’s arms. Okay, he really wanted Spock to suck his brains out through his dick but that’s not in the cards. So cuddling will have to do. Yes he liked cuddling, cuddling, that didn’t make him weak. Dammit.

 

So instead of fun, cuddly, Spock time because they can’t have hot sweaty fucking against the wall time until all his tests come back clean, Jim had a sleepover with his helmsman and not the fun type. His nails currently match his suit, thanks to Sulu’s nieces. His skin was also extra moisturized and he’s pretty sure there’s glitter in his hair.

 

Jim wondered if this would have been what his teenage years would have been like if his mom had adopted Liz instead of Kevin. Although Liz probably would’ve been here because she’s nowhere near as pigheaded as Kevin. Also, she can tie a tie, which is more than Jim can do.

 

“Because it’s bad luck to see the bride/other groom before the wedding. With your tendency to almost die on a regular basis, you need all the good luck you can get.” Sulu remarked as he took over, tying Jim’s tie.

 

“It wasn’t almost last time.” Jim thinks of those last few moments in the warp core, hand pressed against the glass. About this day almost not happening. About Chris’s ashes, slipping through his fingers and the broken look in Nhi’s eyes as she said one last goodbye to the love of her life. Jim could not waste the second chance.

 

“No, it wasn’t.” He said as he let go of Jim’s now straight tie. “Okay, now you really look good.”

 

“I always look good.”

 

“I see marriage is not going to temper your narcissism.”

 

“Never. Any words of wisdom or are we leaving that for when Nhi comes back?” It makes perfect sense that one of his good mother figures will be driving him to the courthouse.

 

“Your brother will come around.” Jim assumes that Sulu heard the seven different voicemails that he left for Kevin this morning trying to get Kevin to reconsider. (Jim is sure the ones that started off with you are an idiot will not ingratiate Kevin to him at all.

 

“You really think so?” Jim asked skeptically. Okay, the last phone message included the following:

_Kevin. This is Jim. Will you please just pick up the fucking phone and talk to me like a grown-up, you giant preschooler. Sulu’s little niece thinks you are jealous of Spock because you have a crush on me. If that’s the case, we need to have a really long talk about that with Dr. Margarita present. Actually, we’re going to have to have a really long talk about why you’re jealous of my future husband, regardless. It’s not like I’m replacing you. God, you are so ridiculous. I know you’re listening. Pick up. Fine. Don’t. I’m hanging up now._

“Trust a man who has two sisters. We fight. We call each other’s things that we shouldn’t, but at the end of the day, we love and support each other.”

 

“Which explains how you ended up babysitting a three and a five-year-old.” Said nieces were adorable in a ‘maybe we can consider arranging for a gestational carrier some time down the road’ sort of way.

 

“And my 26-year-old captain who managed to start a small fire with marshmallows and a candle last night.” Sulu snickered.

 

“We were making s’mores and sugar is combustible.” Jim defended himself.

 

“Jim Tomcat Kirk was making s’mores with little girls?” Sulu raised an eyebrow at him and Jim glared because Gary gave him that nickname.

 

“And he’s getting married in an hour and a half to the love of his life.” Jim smiled at that.

 

“You finally said married.”

 

“Yes, okay. It’s more than just going to the courthouse. I’m actually getting married.”

 

“Does that scare you?” Sulu asked.

 

“Yes, but in a good way.” Because Spock always made him nauseous and in the best possible way. It’s just now he’s willing to admit that, which according to his therapist and his good mommy figure, that was healthy.

 

“And that is the entire reason why I didn’t try to talk you out of this when Kevin asked me to.” Sulu finally explains.

 

“That’s good to know. How do you even know my little brother?” Jim has been wondering about that.

 

“In addition to dragging him out to eat during your coma, I was his senior tour guide during his official campus visit with Winona during your in space internship. We stayed in touch after that. Good kid.”

 

“Spoilt brat who’s not used to sharing.” Jim muttered, just as his communicator went off. It was Nhi calling.

 

“It looks like our ride is here.” Jim said, putting his communicator in his pocket.

 

“Ready to get married?”

 

“Completely.” Truer words have not been spoken by him before.

XXXX

“I still think you should be wearing a suit. Jim is. You should match.” Nyota said as she inspected his attire, with an exasperated expression upon her face. She arrived at his apartment with Leonard and breakfast at 6:35 AM to prepare for his upcoming nuptials. Preparations in this case mean criticizing his choice of attire.

 

“I am Vulcan. Therefore, I should wear Vulcan robes to this legal ceremony.” They were only going to the courthouse to sign various paperwork and exchange vows afterwards in the presence of Admiral Pike.

 

“But I thought you’re going to do the Vulcan ceremony in December to make your father happy. Therefore, you should go full human for today’s wedding.” Spock was not fully aware of that until last night after a very interesting conversation with his father.

 

“It is too late at this time to acquire human attire.” Spock hoped that she would stop expressing her displeasure.

 

“Actually, I got you a suit.” Nyota holds up the garment bag she brought with her. Spock should have realized that this was for him. Considering that the doctor was already dressed in appropriate wedding attire as well as Nyota.

 

“You want me to wear this suit?”

 

“Yes. Humor me.” She said pushing him to the adjoining bathroom to change in private just before tossing the suit at him.

 

“I’m only acquiescing to your request because James finds me aesthetically pleasing in formal attire.” He said just before shutting the door to the bathroom. Yes, he has dressed in front of her in the past, even recently, but for the sake of Dr. McCoy’s comfort; the bathroom seems the more logical choice.

 

“And just imagine how much more aesthetically pleasing on your wedding day.” She yelled at him just as he began to unzip the bag. The suit was acceptable. Nyota always had excellent taste in attire.

 

“So I assume that operation ‘get Kevin to the wedding’ did not go as planned?” Nyota asked just as Spock began to remove his Vulcan attire. He purposely wondered if she waited until he was undressed and unable to escape to ask that question. He should expect nothing less of a woman who trapped him in an elevator to get him to talk about his feelings.

 

“That is one way to describe it.” Spock replied, not really wanting to speak about the experience. Yes, Kevin did speak with him or rather he stayed around long enough for Spock to tell him that yes, he did love James very much and wanted Kevin to attend their nuptials because it was important to Jim. Kevin’s response was to promptly leave at the first opportune time.

 

“You went straight for avoidance. Never a good sign.”

 

“I am not avoiding your question.”

 

“Yes, you are. I don’t know why. I already know that it went badly. Otherwise you would’ve been more forthcoming and Kevin would not have forwarded me various private conversations between my boyfriend and my doctors about the fact we may or may not have a familial bond? ” Spock felt the strange urge to bang his head against the wall at that moment. Actually he was wondering if he could climb out the window in the bathroom, but they were 15 floors up. Really, his only option was to get dressed as quickly as possible to end this interrogation.

 

“What was the timestamp on that message?” Spock asked as he started to put on his pants.

 

“I received it about 45 minutes after our text message conversation, just in time for Leonard and I to have a really fun conversation on the way home from the mall.” Spock sighed at that. He does not completely understand Kevin’s dislike for him, but blind hatred is rarely understood.

 

“I take that to mean you screamed at him for the entire duration of the ride to your home.”

 

“No, of course not. He wouldn’t be here if I did that. Okay, maybe a little, because this is something both of you should’ve told me, not Kevin. Actually I’m pretty sure he only told me because somewhere in his mind, he thought that if he told me about it, I would make one of those ridiculous ‘I can’t live without you’ speeches in the middle of the wedding and completely wreck everything.”

 

“Instead, you are forcing me to wear a suit for said nuptials.”

 

“Because I love you, just not in that way. Some people are meant to just be friends and we are those people regardless of other biological influences.”

 

“At most, we would share a familial bond. However, testing is required to prove such a bond definitively.” Spock said as he started to button his shirt.

 

“Then you were never going to tell me about it?” There was a hint of underlying anger in her voice.

 

“You are currently in a state of emotional upheaval. You were unreceptive to therapeutic help. Therefore, you would be completely unreceptive to the thought of somebody going into your mind and seeing your actual thoughts.”

 

“I’m better and I survived a lunch with the doctors.”

 

“I can feel your unease anytime we are in close proximity.” He told her just as he started to tie his tie. He finds such an article of clothing impractical and yet human still wore it at formal occasions such as weddings.

 

“I’m still better. I wouldn’t be here getting ready for your wedding if I wasn’t better. I would still be hiding under blankets and pillows.” He believes that statement is entirely true.

 

“I am pleased that you are not doing so.” Spock said as he put on his jacket.

 

“I’m not going to miss you making an honest man out of Jim Tomcat Kirk.”

 

“Are you aware that nickname was created by a malicious former acquaintance of James?”

 

“Of course it was.” Nyota sighed just as Spock opened the door.

 

“So after I grilled my boyfriend, I may have cursed out Jim’s baby brother for being a self-absorbed prick in email form.” That does not surprise Spock at all. She is a very overprotective friend.

 

“If you did that, why did you asked me how my own conversation with Kevin went?” Spock asked in puzzlement as he walked out into the bedroom once more.

 

“To gain perspective. It’s also best not to assume.” At that moment Nyota paused to look at him. Actually, she pulled out her PADD to take a picture. “You look good. Jim is going to jump you before you even sign the marriage license and then go through whatever ceremonies Admiral Pike will force you to go through.”

 

“Like hell he will. I will throw a bucket of ice water on him first.” Dr. McCoy called from outside the door. “I don’t care if it’s your damn honeymoon, no sex until honey bear’s bloodwork comes back radiation free.” Nyota rolled her eyes.

 

“Couldn’t you guys wait until the bloodwork was clean to actually do this? That way you could do what you need to make the marriage legal.” There was a touch of annoyance in the doctor’s voice.

 

“You believe we’re rushing into this?” Spock asked.

 

“I know that by Vulcan standards the two of you are like a couple that got married after knowing each other for two weeks, but it is you and Jim. You guys have been dancing around each other for over a year.

 

“No actual dancing was involved.” Spock walked out into the living room.

 

“Do not take everything she says literally. Jesus Christ!”

 

“Let’s get you married before he gets even crankier.

 

“I’m not cranky.” The physician protests. “I’m just trying to say that I’m okay with you marrying Jim, even if I think it would be better for you to wait a few more weeks until you both completely recover physically and mentally from Jim, almost dying. But I understand his reasoning. So, I promise to keep my mouth shut during the ‘speak now or forever hold your peace’ part of the ceremony.”

 

Spock just nodded because he was uncertain how to respond to the doctor’s approval.

 

“Sure honey.” Nyota kisses the man on the cheek, her sarcasm obvious.

 

“I’m meeting you two in the car. Although, if the hobgoblin gets cold feet…”

 

“Vulcan feet are naturally colder than human feet due to our…” The doctor interrupted before Spock could finish his statement.

 

“Lord, I can’t deal with this. Now I know why you chose me. I’m less of an asshole.

 

“I’ll always choose you, even if you’re a dick.” She gave him one last kiss, this time on the lips before he left the apartment.

 

“I’m pleased to see that the two of you are amicable.” Spock told her once the door was closed again.

 

“I think I came to the conclusion that life is too uncertain to keep pushing everybody away because I’m afraid they’ll push me away first.”

 

“Is that what happened between you and Leonard?” Spock asked pointedly. He never completely understood why Nyota spent several days on his couch during the beginning of June.

 

“Maybe… Possibly… Probably. I think I said something similar in my email to Kevin. Or maybe I deleted that before I actually sent the message last night. I should probably forward it to you. There were several lines about him needing to learn to share Jim. The principle still applies.”

 

“My conversation with him was somewhat similar.”

 

“You told him to grow the fuck up and learn to share?” He does not doubt that Nyota used such language. She can be for fright when necessary.

 

“I told him that despite James’ affection for me, he still cares for Kevin deeply and I do not wish for my presence to diminish their relationship. However, I will not leave James for the sake of making him comfortable.” Or for any other reason short of death.

 

“You think he will listen to either of us?”

 

“I am unsure.”

XXXXXXX

 

Jim honestly felt like he was going to throw up, and only some of that had to do with Nhi’s driving. She was good with starships, vintage cars not so much. However, all nervousness that he felt fell away when he saw Spock waiting for him at the courthouse entrance, dressed in a very nice suit that clung to his body in all the good ways.

 

“Nyota got you to wear a suit?” Jim said just before he walked up to his fiancée, wrapped an arm around him, and kissed Spock so hard that he pushed the Vulcan into the nearest wall. Spock may have brick marks on his back later.

 

“Why do you think Nyota is responsible for my attire?” Spock asked between kisses.

 

“Because of your extreme aversion to wearing anything other than your Starfleet uniform and Vulcan robes.” Jim’s mouth is currently making his way to Spock’s neck at that point.

 

“Back away from the hobgoblin.” Bones yelled, almost jokingly. “You’re in public. This may be a parking garage, but it’s still public. ”

 

“I think there’s something about waiting until after the ceremony to kiss the bride/groom.” Sulu remarked from the sidelines.

 

“When do I follow the rules?” Jim quipped fully planning to go back to making out with Spock. It wasn’t like he was allowed to do more than kissing. Stupid Bones.

 

“Never.” Said everyone, but Spock. “Rarely.” Spock said at the same time as everyone else.

 

“Let’s just go upstairs, sign the paperwork and then we will go back to my house to do the actual ceremony. Actually I’ll be waiting for you there because I hate lines and I have to set up.”

 

“I thought we would just…” _Have to sign the electronic form as soon as it is generated._ However, he was cut off by her hands before he could finish his statement.

 

“You’re the closest I’m ever going to get to having a kid, unless I re… you’re the closest thing. This is going to be a real wedding.” Was she seriously bringing up the dead husband thing? She didn’t have to. Jim would do anything she asked.

 

“Got it.” Jim said, without complaint as he and Spock made their way to the 12th floor, i.e. the wedding license floor, by themselves. There was no point in everybody waiting in line for hours and yes it did take hours. Really, in this age of automation it should not take two hours to get a damn marriage license in 2259.

 

Jim was fidgety, even with the PADD loaded with lots of good reading material. He hated waiting in line with a passion. Having to do anything in person is just arcane.

 

“You are restless.” Spock remarked.

 

“I’m always fidgety when I have to wait in line. I hate waiting for anything.” Also, if he knew that it was going to take this long, he would’ve went to the bathroom before they got in line.

 

“Your restlessness is not because you are uncertain about our current course?” Spock questioned.

 

“I may need to pee, but there’s no way I’m getting out of this line right now.” That got him the Spock glare. “Trust me, I want to marry you this very moment even if Kevin is being a prick about it.” So what if there was a tiny part of Jim that was half expecting to see his brother in the parking lot earlier? It doesn’t mean anything.

 

“Life is short, at least when you have a high risk career like ours, even if you’re supposed to live to 200. I realized a lot of things during the incident. The most important of which was, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” He entwined his fingers with Spock’s. “I’m just glad it’s more than a few more minutes. So let Kevin act like a toddler.”

 

“I spoke with him last night.” Spock confessed.

 

“How bad did that go?” Jim just knew that went badly because otherwise Kevin would’ve been there this morning. Spock is really persuasive when he wants to be.

 

“He emailed Nyota snippets of a private conversation between Dr. McCoy, Dr. Suarez, and Dr. Weston regarding the possibility of the two of us forming a familial bond in hopes that she would force us to delay our plans.” That was Spock speak for trying to stop the wedding again.

 

“Seriously?” What the fuck is he going to do with Kevin? At this point, he gives up and just hopes that Kevin will grow the fuck up before the Vulcan ceremony in December.

 

“I’m always serious.”

 

“Not in the bedroom.” James quipped. “Do you think it’s going to be at least 15 minutes before they call us in?” Because his bladder was getting really impatient and Jim had no desire to talk anymore about Kevin with Spock anyway.

 

“Considering there are eight couples in front of us and on average 3.2 minutes before each new couple is called inside you have sufficient time to use the facilities.” Of course Spock is taking note how quickly the line is moving.

 

“Thank you.” Jim said, running to the bathroom, but not without placing a quick kiss on Spock’s lips.

 

Yes, Jim did use the restroom, but he also made one last attempt to call Kevin because he really was a masochist. Just like the other attempts, the message went straight to voicemail. Typical Kevin. Actually, that’s pretty much a Winona thing to do.

 

“Okay Kevin, I don’t get what’s going on with you. You’re worried about Spock breaking up our happy family, when you’re the one pushing me away. Just because I’m getting married does not mean I’m pushing you out of my life. You’re my brother and I love you and I want you to be there when I marry Spock. If this time around is too soon for you, maybe the Vulcan wedding in December will be better. I just don’t want us to be like this. I mean, you could get hit by a car going to get milk and we would leave things this fucked up. Don’t laugh at me. It happened to Alayna, why not you. So if you do want to put things aside be at Admiral Pike’s house in an hour. Maybe by that time, we will actually have a marriage license. Seriously, how long does it take to get a marriage license?”

 

Jim ends the call (Because the voicemail beeped at him) and walks out the men’s room straight into some random passerby because he was in a Kevin frustration induced fog.

 

“Sorry about… Carol?” He said the name as a question. He was not expecting her to be there at all, unless… Kevin seriously? Okay, maybe it was time to call Dr. Margarita for a psychiatric consult because if he went this far, maybe it was time for Kevin to spend a few days in a quiet space with no sharp objects and some sanity in a hypo.

 

“Kevin didn’t call you here with stories about parallel dimensions in an effort to get you to call off the wedding?” Jim asked worriedly.

 

“What are you talking about? Carol looked at him in absolute puzzlement. Jim exhales in relief. Jim can only deal with one completely crazy family member at a time.

 

“I will take that as a no.”

 

“Rebecca and I are here to get a marriage license. I assume that’s why you’re here.” She said with a small smile.

 

“Yes, and at least you are smart enough to go to the bathroom before getting in line. But isn’t that a little quick?” Jim is not even sure they been back together two weeks yet. Also, a large portion of that time involved Carol being in a quiet room with no sharp objects and regular doses of sanity in a hypo.

 

We were engaged before my dad did whatever he did to break us apart.” Blackmail and assignment so bad that it makes Delta Vega seem like Risa. However, Jim felt it was in his best interest not to bring this up. Also, it made him feel better that at least Kevin wasn’t doing stuff this stupid.

 

“So you’re jumping back to where you were?”

 

“I just don’t see the point in waiting.”

 

‘Even though you were discharged from the psychiatric ward less than a week ago?’ Jim thought to himself, but didn’t say it out loud. He was trying not to channel his inner Kevin.

 

“Good luck and Spock and I will make sure you both will get a spot on Enterprise.” Jim said, instead trying to be somewhat supportive. Also, he decided it was best not to invite her to his actual wedding for the sake of Spock. Thankfully, they only had to wait 10 more minutes before being given the opportunity to fill out the paperwork giving Jim an unbelievably long unpronounceable name, but it was worth it.

XXXXXXX

 

From: UhuraNX

To: KirkKR

time sent: 6/27/2259 23:35:01

Subject: Grow the fuck up

Dear Kevin:

I am so damn tired of people interfering in my life and Jim’s for that matter. Your little stunt involving emailing me various excerpts from private medical consults that Dr. McCoy had regarding myself will not result in me trying to stop the wedding, as much as you might want that.

 

Stop trying to stop your brother’s marriage because you’re afraid he won’t have time for you if he has a husband or whatever you’re thinking. He’s always loved you. As somebody who had a truly screwed up relationship with her parents, let me tell you love is a whole lot more important than blood.

 

Look, don’t think of this as losing a brother, but gaining a brother-in-law and another soldier in the fight to keep Jim Kirk from doing stupid shit. After what he did earlier this month, we need all the help we can get. Know that what happened wasn’t Spock’s fault. Jim has a death wish and a martyrdom streak 2 km wide. Stop hanging onto that anger because life is too short for that sort of thing.

 

Spock loves your brother. He will do anything to protect him, even trying to kill a super soldier with his bare hands. Maybe you doubt that because Spock is not a hearts and flowers type of Vulcan, but you can’t doubt their love for each other. It’s everything. And I know you feel a little left out because they are still in the honeymoon phase, but that doesn’t mean that Jim doesn’t care about you. It just means you have to smack him upside the head so that he comes out of the love zone every once in a while.

 

So stop with these ridiculous attempts at trying to screw with your brother’s happiness. That’s what you’re really doing. Spock makes him happy, despite everything going on with your mom, evil crew members getting me pregnant for the sole purpose of fucking with his relationship with Spock (don’t ask), and the Admiralty that literally want him dead. Doesn’t he deserve to have some happiness?

 

So Jim and Spock have no idea what we are doing, but we somehow managed to put a halfway decent wedding together in under 6 hours. Nhi is truly a miracle worker and one of Sulu’s sisters is a florist. One of her weddings got canceled at the last minute due to the bride running away with her maid of honor so we’re taking all the flowers and a few of the other things. If you love your brother at all, you will be there at the Pike house by 11 tomorrow in a suit. No jeans and T-shirts allowed.

 

So just get the fuck over yourself and learn to share your toys like a big boy. I have too much going on in my life to deal with toddlers. Get your shit together.

XXXXX

 

Kevin read the message for the third time and still did not understand what email the communications officer was referring to. After he was slapped for hitting on her, Kevin decided it was best to keep their interaction strictly professional or Winona related. Okay, the fact that she kept ranting about Dr. McCoy for the majority of their shuttle back to San Francisco told him that Nyota was completely in love with the physician. No chance of her interrupting her ex-boyfriend’s wedding when she was head over feet in love with someone else. He wished he realized that before he made a fool out of himself.

 

The whole reason why he called Sulu to talk his idiot brother into postponing the wedding was because he didn’t want to deal with the communications officer. Also, after his long conversation with his future brother-in-law, Kevin came to the conclusion that yes, this man really did love his brother, but that they were still getting married way too soon. So while he wasn’t going to keep trying to get other people to try to talk some sense into his brother, he wasn’t going to go to the wedding, either. (Liz berated him multiple times for that already this morning). So he really didn’t understand Nyota’s rant at all.

 

Kevin was broken out of his thoughts by a knock at his door. It had to be Liz. Everybody else would either be too hung over from the night before or preparing to celebrate his brother’s nuptials.

 

“Liz, I’m not going to the wedding. I’ve already told you that 50 times this morning. Just because I’m not actively trying to stop the wedding anymore doesn’t mean I want to watch. Because I really don’t. I just think this is Jim’s post death crisis.” He says to Liz as he opens the door, only to realize that it’s not Liz in front of him. Rather it is the geriatric version of his future brother-in-law. Also, the Vulcan is smirking or at least the Vulcan equivalent of smirking.

 

“That is unfortunate because I was instructed to get you to your brother’s nuptials by any means necessary.”

To be continued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So how many of you think that Other Spock is just going to nerve pinch Kevin to get him to the wedding on time?  
> Also, if it was not Kevin who tipped Nyota off to the existence of the familiar bond, who was it?


	30. Family, Love over Blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. Apparently 99.9% of you believe that Spock Prime is going to nerve pinched the hell out of Kevin and drag him to the wedding in chains. You just have to read to find out if he goes that road.
> 
> Also, I am sorry this took so long. I was hit by the double whammy of moving and then getting sick with bronchitis. That really ate up a lot of my writing time. I also lost one of my betas for one of my other stories due to real-life being evil. So for about a month I was down to two wonderful people proofreading the stories which cause some delays as well. However, I now have a new, wonderful person helping me with my Ugly Betty stories.

 

“Are you going to do that pinch thing to me if I continue to refuse to go to the wedding?” Kevin asked putting one hand over his neck to protect it. He’d read something about that particular skill when he hacked into the uncensored account of the battle of Vulcan and the subsequent fallout.

 

"If I wanted you unconscious, you would already be so.” The Vulcan replied with an air of superiority that Kevin associates with those that have been around for a very long time.

 

"May I come in?" Kevin was shocked that the Vulcan even bothers to ask.

 

"I don’t think I have a choice. Have a…”He was going to say seat until he realized that his desk chair was currently covered in underwear and towels.

 

“Sorry. Just ignore the towels and underwear everywhere. I would’ve cleaned up if you would’ve called first." Kevin hates cleaning, but he hates people seeing his room messy even more.

 

"You would have vacated the premises before speaking with me.” ‘Probably,’ but Kevin doesn’t say that out loud.

 

“This mess is of no consequence. I lived with somebody equally messy for several years.” He said before placing Kevin’s pile of clothes on the floor and taking the seat.

 

"The alternate universe version of my brother?" Kevin asked and the Vulcan stared at him strangely.

 

"You’re aware of who I am?" He asked after a moment.

 

"Yes, and you might as well just give up. If this dimension’s version of Spock could not convince me to come to the wedding today, then I don’t think you will do any better." Kevin crossed both arms over his chest as he sat back on his bed.

 

“I don’t know about that. I have more than a century of life experience then my counterpart. I have many regrets. I let people go that I wish I had not. I said things in the heat of the moment that I wish I could take back. I procrastinated assuming I would have more time and time was cut short. I have lived and died. And yet have been reborn, given second and third chances. I have squandered some of the second chances and made good use of others. I am here to make sure that you do not squander your second chance. Learn from my mistakes so you do not have to." These words make Kevin a little angry.

 

"Jim told me about that.” Kevin said bitterly. “Implanted memories of you dying are why he went in the warp core in the first place. I should be mad at you because if he didn’t know about you dying that way then he would’ve never…" Kevin doesn’t know how to finish that sentence. So he leaves it there.

 

"I regret that knowledge of what happened in the other timeline has been used to cause catastrophic damage in this timeline. It was never my intention for…"

 

“So what happened was a product of destiny?” Kevin disrupted. “He did what he did because without Spock, I didn’t matter enough for him not to..."

 

"I have learned long ago that Jim Kirk’s choices are solely his own. Destiny can only do so much against his free will."

 

"Or myself for that matter." Kevin mumbled under breath.

 

"I am aware of your brother’s affection for you. I doubt his relationship with my counterpart will decrease those feelings. Do not view this as a contest about who he loves more."

 

"Just because things were a certain way in your dimension, doesn’t mean they are that way here." Maybe he and Jim had the perfect relationship in the other timeline, but that’s not the way it is here. Things are too damaged right now and not just because of Spock. He is not happy with Jim, for conspiring to keep the Winona truth away from him. By assuming he was too young to know how bad things really were.

 

"I only know James’ affections by what I see here because in my original timeline Kevin Kirk does not exist." Okay, that statement was like a punch to the stomach.

 

"So the world is so drastically different there that I was never born." He could see it happening. His mom being stationed on the Kelvin when the incident occurred was forcing one of the 800 people that George Kirk saved by what he did. Maybe the incident was what led to his parents meeting in the first place.

 

"No, you misunderstood my words. There is no Kevin Kirk, but there was a Kevin Riley. We worked together in Starfleet and later in the diplomatic service. Your counterpart was the ambassador to Vulcan for many years." So he does exist and grows up to be an ambassador to a planet that doesn’t even exist in his own timeline anymore.

 

 

"Yet how can Kevin Kirk not exist if he grew up to be an ambassador?" Kevin asked in confusion.

 

"Because Kevin Riley was the one who became ambassador." The elder explained.

 

"Starfleet let me keep my last name after the adoption?" Kevin asked too confused to completely comprehend the ambassador’s words.

 

“We are all the sum of our experiences. You are not the same as your counterpart, no one is. However, in your case, it is even more evident by your drastically different backgrounds and different last names. Maybe it is best to not ask questions that you are unprepared for the answers of." The Vulcan warned cryptically.

 

"I doubt me knowing something like that will lead to anything like a starship plowing into downtown San Francisco." Kevin replied sarcastically.

 

"From what I understand, your counterpart stayed in the Federation child welfare system until joining Starfleet at 17."

 

"So I was never adopted in that world?" That hurt. There were moments where Winona really had problems, but there were a lot of good moments as well.

 

"I believe this to be the case, but your counterpart rarely spoke about his childhood.” If Kevin had to live in foster care the entire time, he wouldn’t want to talk about his childhood either.

 

"Jim is not my brother there?" That was a sad and frightening thought.

 

"The two of you share a connection, both being survivors of the Tarsus incident. However…" Kevin cut him off in search of clarification.

 

"Jim was on Tarsus?" He didn’t like that possibility at all.

 

"I’m not aware of the circumstances that led to him being on the planet during the horrible events that took place, but Jim was there and helped keep you and several other children alive during the massacre."

 

"Winona did that. She saved so many of us kids." He knew he would be dead without Winona’s intervention.

 

"A more appropriate role for an adult then a mere child as evidenced by the fact that Winona was able to subdue the governor. That did not happen in my timeline."

 

"Maybe." Kevin said making eye contact with his quilt. He really didn’t want to talk about this anymore.

 

"I am aware of how much you mean to James, not only because I have been in his mind, but because I have seen a version of him without you as his brother. I find this version more acceptable."

 

"How so?"

 

"Being an older brother has made him more comfortable with himself. He is much more open with his affections for my counterpart. The Jim of my time never considered a public relationship with me." There was a hint of bitterness in his voice.

 

"I don’t know about that. For so many years, Jim hid behind the ladies’ man exterior. Even I believed the lies. Really if anybody should have seen past the façade, it should’ve been me. But then again, we don’t talk to each other as much as we should or maybe we don’t listen to what’s being said. I don’t know." Kevin said as he lay back down on his bed.

 

"Who is responsible for that?"

 

"Maybe both of us.” Kevin sighed. “It’s just easier not to talk about things. Things weren’t perfect in the Kirk household. Winona had problems, more so than I ever noticed because Jim just…"

 

"Kept everything to himself." The Vulcan provided when Kevin couldn’t find the right words.

 

"Yes, like he didn’t think I could handle it. I’m not a little kid."

 

"You’re a mere 18 years old. You have much life in front of you. Do not be in a hurry to grow up."

 

"You lose all sense of innocence once you see your family murdered in front of you. I haven't been a child for a long time." Kevin said sadly before sitting up once more to look at the ambassador directly.

 

"That’s all the more reason for James to try to preserve whatever sense of innocence you have left."

 

"Maybe." Kevin said reluctantly after he realized That Jim really would do something like that.

 

"It’s your choice if you want to cause irrevocable damage to your relationship with James by not attending his nuptials due to you being frightened by his relationship with my counterpart. He needs your support and love."

 

"He has his cuddly Vulcan for that."

 

“This is not a contest between you and my counterpart. It is not as if Jim has a finite amount of love that he can give out. He needs you. He just went through a very traumatic event and James is really evaluating many things in his life. He needs your support during this time."

 

"Jim doesn’t need anybody." He spat out bitterly. If Jim really needed him, he would’ve never left for the Academy in the middle of the night in the first place

 

"Do you actually believe that?"

 

"I don’t know." Kevin confessed in a whisper.

 

"Why don’t you want to come to Jim’s wedding?" It’s strange that nobody, not even Jim asked him that question.

 

"Because it’s too quick. They have only known each other for…”

 

"An entire year." The Vulcan said giving him a ‘you’re losing this argument’ type of look.

 

"Right, so that’s not long enough to know if you want to spend your entire life with someone. Go out, have coffee. Fuck around with each other for a while. Then you get married, not the other way around.”

 

"In Vulcan culture most are bonded at the age of seven to their intended, usually without meeting each other first. However, the divorce rate on Vulcan pre-destruction was only 3.2%."

 

"I thought that was because of arcane divorce laws." Kevin quipped.

 

"Most of which no longer exists." Okay maybe the guy had a point.

 

"Everything is going to change."

 

"Everything has changed already. Everything will continue to change, regardless of your brother getting married. Change is inevitable, constant. Nothing stays the same."

 

"Even when you re-live your life a second time." Kevin snarked.

 

"Even then.” The older Vulcan said as he got up from the chair. “Although this conversation was enlightening, I must take my leave. I have a wedding to attend."

 

"I thought you said that you are not leaving without me." Kevin looked at the Vulcan with puzzlement.

 

"You are an adult, albeit a young one. I am not able to force you to do anything that you choose not to do.”

 

"I’ve been saying that for weeks." Kevin lay back down on his bed.

 

"However, as an adult, you must be willing to face the consequences of your decision. You not attending Jim’s wedding will not influence his relationship with Spock. By Vulcan standards, they are already married. By human standards, they may already be married in the legal sense anyway. The only relationship that you will affect by not attending James’ wedding is your relationship with James. I lived through a world where you and Jim were not close. I would hate to exist again in a similar reality.” With that the Vulcan was gone and Kevin had a lot to think about. This of course led to him listening to all the voicemails that Jim has left him in the last 48 hours.

 

XXXXXXXX

“What the hell happened here?” Jim asked as he was led to the roof of the Pike loft by Nyota and Simmons after having a pseudo-mother and groom talk with Dr Suarez, which basically consisted of trying to get her to be his therapist again. No such luck, but he has a meeting with Dr. Margarita tomorrow.

 

The place is now covered in flowers, not flowers, roses, orange roses. They were everywhere. Okay, now Jim knows why he was shot with three hypos during his talk with Anna. He probably would be breaking out in hives otherwise, with so many flowers around. This place look like a Rose Parade float.

 

“Do you know of Ramirez from engineering?” Nyota prompted. She was dressed in peach, carrying a bouquet of orange roses and an orange boutonniere. Why did he not notice that earlier when she was shoving Sulu and his fiancé into Nhi’s bedroom to get ready. Jim didn’t understand that since they were both dressed in their wedding attire. Okay maybe she did that. So he could have his pseudo son mother talk with his ex-therapist, whatever.

 

“He was planning to get married during our time planet side.” To the point where Scotty’s number two was unavailable during their trip to the Klingon homeworld. Maybe things would’ve went a little better if Ramirez was not on leave and he did not have to put a new guy in charge of engineering. This was the entire reason why he was getting more engineers.

 

“This week actually until he walked in on the bride with her best friend.” Nyota explained.

 

“Not good.”

 

“Really. It should’ve been obvious that something was going on when the bride chose a flower that represented the transition between friendship and love.” Simmons mumbled under breath and Nyota just glared.

 

“So the bride ran away with the maid of honor, Sulu’s sister was stuck with 700 orange roses along with all the other flowers you see, and I decided that you should have an actual wedding on Earth because Sarek made the mistake of giving me free range of his credit card account to make sure this actually happened.” Nyota said almost enthusiastically. But Jim could pick up on an undercurrent of sadness. Really he’s surprised to see her functioning as well as she was considering she was hiding in her bedroom with a few boxes of cookies and scaring him with her email responses.

 

“So you decide to help Ramirez out by having me buy the 700 roses and whatever the hell those white things are?” Jim pointed to the arrangement upfront.

 

“And the catering contract. They were perfectly happy to add some vegan entrées and Ramirez was just happy to get some of the money back.”

 

"Because your marriage ending before it even begins is traumatic enough without losing several thousand credits in the process.” Simmons snarked.

 

"Why are you here?” Nyota asked annoyed.

 

"To give Jim an update on operation get Kevin to the wedding."

 

“Considering he’s not with you, I assume that went badly.”

 

"Not badly, he’s just not here and I’m pretty sure he no longer hates your soon-to-be husband. So, that’s progress. He’s just not ready to give away the brother yet, but plan C has not returned so maybe he’ll still come. The wedding’s not starting for another 30 minutes anyway."

 

“I doubt that.” Nyota said skeptically, which had Jim frowning. “Yesterday, he sent me hacked emails from my boyfriend specifically designed to get me to make a big deal during the ‘speak now or forever hold your peace’ segment at the wedding less than an hour after his big talk with Spock.”

 

“He couldn’t… He was talking to me at that… I need to go find the pseudo-mother of the groom and my Guardian. I will see you after.” Liz said before literally running to the elevator.

 

"That kid is weird." Nyota told him once Liz was gone.

 

“Her mom is our _big boss_.” Jim pointed out.

 

“Good point.

 

"Considering she survived the planet of the damned, she’s quite well-adjusted. Better than Kevin anyway." Jim shrugged.

 

"True. Take this.” Nyota says shoving a PADD in his hand.

 

"What’s this?" Jim looked at the device dubiously.

 

"Your lines for the wedding. I also took the liberty of writing some possible wedding vows for you." He quickly looked down to see that yes, she did pre-write some vows including:

 

I promise to love you for all eternity even if we end up spending eternity in a different dimension.

 

I promise to love you until death and possibly after if I manage to come back again. I also promise not to do anything to speed that up.

 

I promise to always tell you what I’m thinking even if I do that by giving you permission to hack into my therapy emails.

 

 

"I think I’m supposed to write my own vows? Also, I’m pretty sure I can’t even use some of this." Mostly the stuff about already dying.

 

"Normally, yes, but when you plan a wedding in under 24 hours, there is no time for a rehearsal. Instead, you’re getting a script."

 

"We were not planning a wedding. We were planning a court house appearance with a justice of the peace. You didn’t have to do this. I don’t even know how you’re up to doing this after…" Which is a polite way of saying losing your baby that you had in the first place because some crazy woman screwed with your birth control?

 

"Getting pregnant and subsequently losing said baby all due to some crazy conspiracy to get you kicked out of Starfleet and me exposed as a slut?"

 

"I wasn’t going to put it like that."

 

"I’m not sure there’s any other way to put it. I’m fine." No, you’re not.

 

"I’m starting to understand why Spock hates that term." Jim sighed.

 

"Okay, I’m not fine, but I’m here and I liked having a distraction last night. Setting up the flowers with Sulu’s sister was a distraction. I didn’t have to think about death and the trail, just pretty flowers."

 

"It does look good. And maybe doing something different was good for you. There’s a room in an Iowa farmhouse with your name on at." He was only half joking. If anybody could use a vacation away from Starfleet, it was her.

 

"The actual farmhouse is a wreck. I’m sure the cleaning crew you hired will be busy for the next two or three months fixing the place." That was true. He was half tempted to bulldoze the place and rebuild. However, he was holding off on that decision until Winona was somewhat lucid and he could go there in person.

 

"Okay, there’s a room in a bed and breakfast nearby because even I’m not staying in that house when we go to Iowa in a couple of weeks.”

 

"So Dr. Margarita is finally letting you go?"

 

"More like I can’t keep delaying seeing Winona forever and I’m sure she would love a trip to Iowa to mediate. I have to deal with a lot of the stuff in person and maybe a vacation away from Starfleet and San Francisco would be good for all of us."

 

"I was just in Iowa and as much as I enjoyed the peace and quiet, as well as all of your favorite out-of-the-way stores, I doubt it would be very restful with all the…"

 

"Family bullshit." Jim supplied because that’s exactly what it was.

 

"I was trying to think of a nice way to put that."

 

"Curse words are necessary with my family." Jim sighed

 

"At least you guys all love each other. I question that about my family."

 

"I think Kevin would be here if he really did." Seriously why can’t he just get over himself and come to the wedding. It’s not like Winona can be here.

 

"I think Kevin has his own issues that go beyond that." Nyota said thoughtfully.

 

"You’re probably right. Great. I’m going to be spending my sort of honeymoon conference calling with my therapist about the best way to institutionalize my brother. Such fun."

 

"Well, it’s not like you can actually have sex." Seriously, did Nyota just joke about that?

 

"So true. I hate your boyfriend. He is your boyfriend again?"

 

"Yes, sort of… We are working on it. It’s complicated and going to become more complicated when he has to go to Georgia for the next I don’t know how long to deal with custody stuff while I’m here." That doesn’t surprise Jim because the evil ex-wife would make the custody situation as horrible as possible and forcing Bones to be away from Nyota for a couple months would do that, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

 

"You could go with him." Jim suggested.

 

"What?"

 

"You need a break. Time to get your head on straight and get away from stupid people. A cabin in the middle of the woods of Georgia would be good for you."

 

"And just time to think about everything. No thank you. I need to stay busy."

 

"You can stay busy by helping Bones get to at least see his daughter every once in a while. Shawn is good, but…"

 

"His ex-wife is a vulture." Nyota supplied for him.

 

"Emotional support is necessary and maybe being away from certain idiots that judge you all the time will be good."

 

"Really, it was just the two." Jim knows better than that because a lot of nasty rumors were about him as well.

 

"And what about everybody gossiping about what happened. You don’t need to hear that trash. It’s not good for you.”

 

"You made your point. Unfortunately not all of us are marrying a Vulcan prince or have tons of vacation time saved up. Some of us actually have to work."

 

"Considering what happened, Starfleet kind of owes you that much, because there are probably dozens of lawyers that would love to stick it to Starfleet for what happened." The birth control switch up alone is a multimillion credit negligence lawsuit waiting to happen.

 

"I think…" Nyota started to say before they were interrupted by Nhi screaming at someone in the distance.

 

"I want to know who sent those emails and I want to know yesterday. Look, I don’t care what you have to do just take care of it." Okay, conversations like that worried Jim.

 

"What’s going on?" Both he and Nyota asked simultaneously.

 

"Just another layer to the great Starfleet conspiracy. Don’t worry about it. Let me handle it. I am the admiral here." Jim wanted to push, but he was receiving that, don’t say anything look from the woman in front of him.

 

"Okay."

 

"Nyota, I need you downstairs to convince your boyfriend that he has to wear a boutonniere if he’s going to be the best man." Okay, this is obviously an attempt to make Nyota leave.

 

“Seriously? I shouldn’t be surprised. It took forever to get him to agree to wear a nice suit.” Nyota complains before making her way to the elevators.

 

“Now that Nyota is not here, could you please tell me what that phone call was about?"

 

“I’m almost positive Nyota’s psycho stalker may have sent her some emails that she hacked from her former boss in an effort to get her away from Leonard by whatever means necessary and put the blame on your brother.”

 

“So it was not Kevin?" He asked, relieved. Maybe there is some hope for Kevin.

 

"I’m 90% sure it wasn’t him at this point because Simmons was with him at the time he supposedly sent the emails.” Jim exhaled at that. So his brother wasn’t there, but at least he was not actually actively trying to sabotage his relationship anymore. That’s progress for his family anyway. Seriously, why are they this fucked up?

 

“I’m pretty sure it was the same woman who screwed with Nyota’s birth control.”

 

"Isn’t she supposed to be in jail?" Jim asked slightly worried.

 

"She’s out on bail." Jim groaned at that.

 

"Don’t worry about it. You have a wedding. Let me and Dr. Suarez take care of everything else."

 

"I have to worry about it. The stuff was happening on my ship. How did I let it get this bad?" Why did he not realize that Starfleet was planting bad people on his staff?

 

“By now, you should be aware that this was all a setup. You are not a bad captain because you didn’t see the conspiracy going on right under your nose. No one did. You’re young, that’s true, but you’re good at what you do and you can become better over time. A lot of people with experience did not see the signs."

 

“That doesn’t excuse what happened. I was too young and dumb to see it and that’s my fault."

 

"You’re not allowed to talk about yourself like that."

 

"It’s true." Jim said bitterly.

 

“No, it’s not. Yes, you made a mistake, but we all do. I don’t even think Chris realized how bad things were up until the end when they tried to put you with Gary."

 

"That was just a little too obvious. That just screams evil conspiracy.”

 

"Definitely a red flag. Look, don’t keep beating yourself up for what happened. You’re alive. Most of your crew are still alive. The 20th century nut job is now in Starfleet custody and most of the people responsible for the Starfleet coup d’état are either under arrest or will be very soon. Don’t think about it. You’re getting married today. Let go."

 

"It’s hard to do, even with all the orange roses around."

 

"They’re very nice flowers."

 

"I just wish Chris…" Could be here.

 

"I know. I miss him. I’m always going to miss him. But we said our goodbyes yesterday and today is a new day. Today is a happy day. So let’s get you married."

 

“I know. I just wish Kevin was here too. At least one family member should be here and he’s the least crazy."

 

"You never know, maybe Kevin will have an epiphany."

 

"I doubt it." Jim mumbled under breath just before he was abandoned by Nhi for her to leave him for an informal meeting between Dr. Suarez, Liz’s mom, and other Spock.

 

Thirty minutes later, the ceremony started, but there was still no Kevin by the time Nyota was walking Spock down the aisle. It was okay because Spock looked hot as hell with his boutonniere which completely explains why Jim kisses Spock as soon as he gets up there."

 

“We are not to that part of the ceremony yet. Step away from the Vulcan." Dr. Suarez hissed from the seats normally reserved for parents. Liz was also giggling to herself at that point.

 

"Oh, come on." Jim whined giving her the puppy dog eyes

 

"Vows first, making out later.” Nhi sighed out loud. “Really Spock, I expected more out of you."

 

"You may continue on with the ceremony." Spock said with a curt nod of the head.

 

"See, this is why we should have waited. Really you couldn’t wait one more day?" Nyota said in a fake whisper. Jim is pretty sure that Scotty six rows back could still hear her.

 

"Not really. I’m marrying him."

 

"Let me get on with the ceremony or you’re going to need someone else to marry you." Nhi sounded very angry in that moment.

 

"Carry on."

 

"We are gathered here today to bring together two people who found each other in very dire circum...” Mid-word, the sounds of crashing flower arrangements could be heard in the distance along with lots of curse words. Jim didn’t even have to look back there to know that it was Kevin.

 

“Sorry I’m late. I got lost and the flowers were really an accident.” Kevin said just as Liz pulled him into the seat next to her. "Continue.”

 

“Okay. If there are no more interruptions I would like to carry on. Let’s get on with the ceremony before we get interrupted by Klingons.”

 

“You know by saying that, it probably will happen.” Jim whispered to Spock, only to receive a glare from their officiant.

 

“We are gathered here to celebrate love. Not the type that happens at first sight, but the type that must be built over time. A type of love that must overcome misunderstandings and self-doubt. A type of love that stays around in good times and bad. A type of love that overcomes misunderstandings and miscommunications. We are here to celebrate the joining together of two people who have overcome a lot to be here, including themselves." Of course she would throw that in.

 

“Along with their tendency to almost die on missions." He heard Nyota mumble under her breath.

 

"Before we continue, does anybody have just cause why these two should not be joined together in legal matrimony?” All eyes in the room went to Kevin, but nobody said a word.

 

Fifteen minutes later, after vows that made him cry, he finally got to kiss the groom in front of half of Enterprise and his baby brother. Because of that, he was completely oblivious to the smirking Vulcan in the back.

 

To be continued.

 


	31. The After Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. I’m so glad you’re all happy that Kevin actually showed up at the wedding. Look in this chapter our characters are behaving like grown-ups, mostly.

 

**XXXXX**

“Next time we get married, we are eloping.” James yawns, burying himself into Spock’s side as they continued their way to whatever undisclosed location their honeymoon was to take place. The fact that James allowed him to drive his convertible without protest was a testament to how tired James truly was due to the day’s festivities.

 

“I believe that was the plan this time.” However, seeing Nyota smiling as Leonard twirled her around the dance floor made Spock having to associate with various diplomats in Starfleet officials almost tolerable. Actually, the fact that they were allowed to leave the reception when things were still in progress made the thing tolerable.

 

“Yes, but then they hijacked our wedding and I didn’t even get to try any of the food.” James pouted and Spock was already making a mental note to stop at the first decent fast food establishment they encounter because he too was unable to eat. He was barely able to dance with James.

 

“You will be happy to know this will not be an issue at our Vulcan Ceremony in December. Because we have been bonded so long, it will essentially be a ceremony where our bond is identified publicly.” And is essentially a means to pacify my father because he was not able to attend our human ceremony despite actually paying for it according to Nyota and the long communicator conversation we had which was the main reason I did not get to eat this evening.”

 

“Yes, but your dad is a big diplomat. I’m sure there will have to be a reception even if that’s not what normal Vulcans do. Ambassadors play by a different set of rules. Actually, I think several people were at our reception because of that. I didn’t even think there were still that many members of the Starfleet admiralty that were neither dead nor arrested.” James yawned again. Spock wonders if he will fall asleep before he even finds an eating establishment.

 

“If there is a reception or feast afterwards, neither you nor I are expected to actually attend due to the fact that most Vulcan marriage ceremonies coincide with the mating cycle.” Spock is certain by that point that Dr. McCoy would relent on the current sexual activities ban.

 

“That’s good to know. Also considering we’re now married, I think you can say the P word around me.” Jim smirks at him sleepily.

 

“I prefer not to.” Spock said returning to the road. Driving the antique car requires more of Spock’s concentration then a contemporary vehicle.

 

“Hey, where are we going?”

 

“I am uncertain. I am just following the pre-programmed location put in the car’s navigation system by Dr. Suarez as part of our wedding present.” Spock would wait until they arrive at their destination to let his husband know that they were on family leave for the next three weeks and only the first week would be spent on their actual honeymoon. “We should arrive at the location in 3.2 hours. However, we could stop to eat at some point.”

 

“If you end up driving us into the ocean, I’m blaming you.” James pouted.

 

“I am of a reasonable intelligence so that I would not follow the navigation system blindly.” Spock retorted.

 

“I’m hoping so.”

 

“Did you speak to your brother at the reception?” Spock did not even have to look over at James to know that he was pouting.

 

“Do you think that we will pass an In-and-Out Burger on the way to this mysterious honeymoon location? You like their eggplant burger.”

 

“You’re avoiding this conversation by changing the subject.”

 

“You mentioned food first.”

 

“We will stop in 30.3 minutes. In the meantime, I would like to know if you were able to speak with your brother at the reception.”

 

“Briefly. But before I could actually say anything besides, ‘thank you for coming to the wedding’

 

I was pulled away by Admiral Chan because Bones has a stalker and apparently Kevin was not the one to tip Nyota off to the familial bond. We’re going to have to verify that when we get back, whenever we get back. James said as he took his communicator out of his bag.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“Calling Chan for the latest update on what’s going on.” Because Admiral Pike and Dr. Suarez gave him strict orders for James not to engage in any work related activities during at least the honeymoon portion of their leave, Spock felt it best to remove the one device that would allow James to do such a thing.

 

“Did you seriously just throw my communicator out the window.” James asked incredulously.

 

“Yes.” Spock’s work device was currently in the possession of Admiral Pike (unfortunately she was then able to confiscate James device without alerting them to the surprise), but Spock’s personal PADD was in his luggage. It was going to be an actual vacation because James deserve such a thing.

 

“I was checking on the health and safety of your best friend.” Spock does not buy that excuse because if it was important, Admiral Pike or Dr. Margarita would contact them immediately.

 

“I trust Admiral Pike implicitly to take care of all matters in this situation on her own.”

 

“You two planned this.” James lay back in his seat with his arms across his chest.

 

“Perhaps.” Not at all, but unlike James, he had been notified of what they were planning. Apparently, Admiral Pike, Dr. Suarez, and Dr. Margarita were planning for the couple to take a retreat anyway and they just used the excuse of the wedding to speed up the process. “If it is necessary, she will contact us.”

 

“How? You threw out my PADD! You’re buying me a new one because you know Starfleet is going to be unhappy that I managed to break two within a month.”

 

“Of course. The hotel where we are staying will have full communications capabilities.” As does this vehicle, but Spock will not remind James of that until they have at least arrived at the hotel.

 

“So you do know where we’re going?”

 

“I did not say that. I’m just aware of the various amenities that will be where we are staying. They have a water park.”

 

“You have any idea how frustrating you are right now.”

 

“Yet you still married me.”

 

“I’m not sure why, other than the fact that I love you.” James kissed his cheek only because anything more than that would be inappropriate when driving.

 

“You as well,” Spock said as he entwined his fingers with James. Their hands stayed like that until they stopped for food 29.2 minutes later.

 

XXXX      

By the time they saw off the happy couple, Leonard could tell that Nyota was dead on her feet which was why he was escorting her to their own vehicle. He was well aware that Nyota overdid it. One does not plan a wedding in less than 24 hours, especially a surprise wedding, without suffering extreme exhaustion. Considering everything else that happened in the last few weeks, he’s surprised she hasn’t collapsed yet.

 

“But I need to stay to the end.” Nyota protested as the doors of the elevator opened to the parking garage. “I’m the host of this wedding.”

 

“I don’t think weddings have a host.” He said as he pointed her in the direction of the car.

 

“Usually it is the parents, but I’m Sarek’s proxy. He did give me the money to pay for all this.” This once again reaffirmed in Leonard’s mind that Spock was one of those rich people that actually did something just to keep from being bored. It’s obvious he wasn’t part of Starfleet for the paycheck.

 

“Let Suarez and Pike take care of it. I think that’s something that the mothers of the bride are supposed to do anyway.” He unlocked the door to the vehicle and held the door open for her, hoping that she would just step inside.

 

“I think Jim would be really offended to hear you refer to him as the bride in the relationship.” Nyota joked.

 

“I do Jim’s physical. I know more about his sex life then I ever care to.”

 

“Assigning gender roles is so 21st century.”

 

“Maybe it is, but you’re still getting in the car.”

 

“But there are still people here.” Okay, that’s when he put the hand on her shoulder to guide her into the vehicle.

 

“You overdid it today.” He really should’ve put his foot down on how much she could do, but well, that was pretty much impossible with Nyota.

 

“Probably. Definitely.” Nyota actually yawned. “But there’s so much that still has to be done.” She tried to make a break for it, but he held firm.

 

“We just saw off the groom and groom to their surprise honeymoon. The wedding is over. Everyone still here at this point is there for the free booze and food. Let Sulu and his sister deal with the drunken people.”

 

“Sulu is a great wedding planner. If I ever do wedding, he’s planning it.” He’s pretty sure there’s a word or two missing in there.

 

“It’s time to go home.” He mumbled to himself as he got into the passenger seat.

 

“You’re coming over. I will spend as much time as possible before you leave.” Nyota yawned againas she laid her head on his shoulder.

 

“I’m not going anywhere.” He patted her shoulder gently. "Between Shawn challenging the custody situation and the need for competent doctors, I’m not going to be flying off into space anytime soon.” He reassured her.

 

“You will be leaving because of the custody situation. It will be easier for you to get at least decent visitation rights if you’re in the same part of the country.” Now Leonard wonders if Shawn talked to Nyota about this behind his back.

 

“That means very little with the cow’s vultures”. This is what he tried to explain to Shawn. Multiple times.

 

“But it could mean a lot to the judge who is actually deciding the case.” She said pointedly.

 

“I told you I wasn’t leaving you.” He doesn’t know what he needed to do to get that point across to her.

 

“You worry about me because of the baby. Don’t. I’m okay. I’m not going to fall apart if you’re a few states over.”

 

“I’m staying because I love you enough to put up with you when you’re probably half-drunk saying crazy things that you probably won’t even remember in the morning.”

 

“I haven’t drunk anything more than the punch. You wouldn’t let me.”

He forgot about the punch. She probably is completely drunk, considering how much alcohol gets put into that thing at any Enterprise party. He’s just very glad he won’t have to hand out hangover hypos tomorrow.

 

“Next time, only drink stuff that comes straight out of a bottle. I really hate dragging you out of places.

 

“You already did.”

 

“Scotty’s punch was probably why.” He said pulling out of the garage.

 

“I could go with you.” Definitely the punch.

 

“That’s what we’re doing. You’re going home with me or rather I’m going home with you because your current house is seven times bigger than my tiny apartment.” Also, he’s pretty sure there’s food in the refrigerator not mold. He’s hardly spent any time at all in that place.

 

“Jim suggested that I go with you to Georgia. He thinks I need a vacation.

 

“It wouldn’t be the worst idea. Sleep. We will be home in a few minutes.”

 

“In that case we should just keep talking because I don’t want to wake up in five minutes.” Leonard exhaled in frustration.

 

“Just close your eyes. We will talk about everything later.”

 

Finally, she does what he says and he starts making his way to her house. Of course, they never get there because the path is blocked off by what seems like every police car and fire truck in the area. However, they do see Carol and Rebecca being questioned by a police officer. What happened while they were at the wedding?

 

XXXXX

“I told you it wouldn’t be so awful.” Liz said now that they were back on the dance floor (a.k.a. the roof with twinkle lights) after seeing off the happy couple. He wondered how they found actual tin cans to tie to the back of Jim’s vintage convertible. Then again, maybe they sell an old-fashioned wedding traditions kit. That sort of stuff was a thing with Jim. He loves all things 20th century.

 

“I only had to give my big brother away.” He frowned.

 

“Actually, you missed that part of the ceremony.”

 

“I got lost.” That was not a lie. The parking garage for this place is massive and there are like 15 elevators.

 

“And then you subsequently knocked down about 1000 orange roses.”

 

“Only about 100 and the vase was really top-heavy. Who chose those ridiculous flowers in the first place?” He said pointing to all the bright orange roses still around.

 

“Not your brother. This was a surprise ambush wedding. Otherwise, your brother would’ve got married at the courthouse in jeans and a T-shirt.” That was highly probable with Jim.

 

“That makes sense. Orange is not one of his favorite colors. Also he never liked dressing up. I think he associates it with court appearances and funerals.” Liz frowned at that.

 

“I’m not even going to touch that. I’m just happy you stayed quiet during the ‘speak now or forever hold your peace’ part of the ceremony.

 

“I realize that I was only hurting my relationship with Jim, not his relationship with Spock. Also, you were stepping on my foot at the time.” The last part was mumbled under his breath.

 

“I was not. But my elbow was strategically placed against your dick and not in a good way.”

 

“I don’t think it would ever be anywhere near my dick in a good way. Contrary to what everybody thinks, we really are just friends.” Her mom would kill him if he even thought about fucking around with Liz and he may have a few times, but you don’t ruin nearly a decade of friendship for a quick fuck.

 

“So did you actually talk to your brother?”

 

“For about two minutes. Just long enough for me to say ‘congratulations on getting married, but I wish you would’ve waited longer, however I still came’, and then your mom promptly dragged him away before I could say anything else.”

 

“Probably because she was afraid of a brawl breaking out during the reception. Remember what happened at my 15th birthday party.”

 

“That was completely different. First, Jim was not involved. The guy I punched out was your boyfriend at the time and he was a dick because he was making out with Jenny Stephenson at your party.”

 

“I agree with you on that now, but I didn’t know that he was sleeping with Nikki West at the time we were together.” Complete bastard. “This is why I don’t date. If you only want quick sex, that’s fine. But don’t pretend you want something more. Relationships don’t work unless they are platonic.”

 

“You are way too cynical to be 18. That does explain your freak out about Jim and Spock though.” Liz said thoughtfully. “You know some romantic relationships actually make it more than a couple of weeks or breakfast.

 

“Yes, some make it about three or four months before completely disintegrating.”

 

“My parents were married for 20 years.”

 

“And then they were murdered on the planet we do not speak of. Bad example.” Kevin retorted.

 

“The Pikes.”

 

“Another bad example. Christopher Pike was murdered by the same sociopath that led to my brother being in a coma for a week.” Kevin said bitterly.

 

“Okay, let me rephrase my earlier statement, not all relationships end in disaster or death.”

 

“Yes they do. If they don’t fall apart due to some disaster, they will lose each other to old age.” Kevin argued.

 

“You are too cynical to be 18, despite living through you know what. You do realize that the average life expectancy is now 130. Mommy Chan’s grandparents celebrated their 100th wedding anniversary a couple of months ago.

 

“You should have lead with that.” Kevin said sarcastically.

 

“Maybe I should of. You know they were friends first. Actually, they were friends for nearly 15 years. He was even about to marry someone else.” Liz started to explain.

 

“So why didn’t that happen?” Kevin asked interested.

 

“The fiancée left him at the altar and he got his head out of his ass and saw what was right in front of him all along, a woman who would always be by his side no matter what. Who has no trouble smacking him upside the head for being a complete moron. Thankfully for all of us, your brother was not that stupid.”

 

“We’re having a good time so let’s not ruin it with more talk about my brother or relationships in general. The alcohol is flowing freely and the food is actually good.” ‘The dress you’re wearing is very low cut and I’m a little surprised mommy Chan let you get away with it.’

 

“You’re actually dancing with me and not trying to sleep with one of the bridesmaids.” Liz gives him a glare. Maybe she knows he was staring down the front of her dress. It’s a reflex.

 

“I did a couple of weeks ago and she kicked me in the dick.” He joked.

 

“You do realize that she is completely head over feet in love with Dr. McCoy?” Simmons asked incredulously.

 

“Now I do.” But at the time he was completely oblivious to it.

 

“Yet you still think all relationships will fall apart.”

 

“I think they may make it fall apart. Sex sabotages everything.”

 

“You can make any relationship fall apart, like you and Jim. Usually, by a complete lack of communication.”

 

“Point. However, I’m not going to actually be able to talk to Jim for at least a week since apparently he’s being dragged on some surprise honeymoon.”

 

“And when did you find that out?” Liz asked seriously.

 

“Spock may have mentioned it when he gave me a special email address in case I needed to get a hold of Jim because work PADD’s will be banned during their honeymoon.” Kevin rolled his eyes.

 

“30 credits says Spock tosses Jim’s communicator out the window before they even get to where ever they are staying for the week.”

 

“40 credits that the lack of communication is going to be for reasons I just don’t want to think about that will keep both parties too busy to actually check their emails.” Kevin may have shivered a little bit.

 

“No, not going to take that bet. They’re honeymooning. It’s not like they’re going to be doing their taxes for a week.”

 

“Jim is still under a sex ban.” Kevin shrugged.

 

“When has your brother ever followed the rules?”

 

“Never.

 

“We still have a few days before finals. You could come over this weekend.”

 

“I’m behind because of everything. Most of the professors have been lenient because my brother was in a coma for a week, but I have to get everything made up before the exams. I hate summer session.”

 

“Poor baby.” Liz said mocking him.

 

“Plus, I have a date tomorrow.”

 

“With who?” Liz’s gaze was now dark and she stiffened under his touch.

 

“Nina from Enterprise’s communications department. She’s hot.”

 

“Of course she is.”

 

“What? Why are you upset?” Kevin asked confused.

 

“I’m not upset. I just think it’s weird that you only ‘date’ girls that have a triple D chest size who are usually half your IQ. Actually, someone who can speak multiple foreign languages is probably a step up for you.” It wouldn’t be the first time that Liz had commented on the intelligence of some of the people he sleeps with.

 

“That’s not true. I’m very open minded. Besides, I’m just being a teen and having fun.”

 

“By fun, you mean fucking her and not calling the next day.” Liz sounded very angry which didn’t make sense considering she did the same thing with guys all the time.

 

“Breakfast is usually involved. And that’s not a big thing, considering she’s starting a new assignment in like a week. It’s just fun.”

 

“Yes, just fun and we already established what your definition of fun is. You are an idiot.” Liz said just leaving him in the middle of the dance floor completely dazed.

 

“What did I just do?” He asked, staring at the retreating form of Liz.

 

“Young lad, if you can’t figure it out, I’m not going to tell you.” Scotty, the engineer on his brother’s ship, said as he passed Kevin a cup of punch that happened to be at least 90 proof. He drank at least three glasses before heading home alone.

 

XXXXXX

From: KirkKR

 

To: Spock_Grayson

 

Time sent: 6/31/2259 23:57:01

 

Subject: I hope you’re having a good time where ever you are

 

I know you’re not going to answer this email anytime soon, but I figure I should write anyway. Where are you anyway? Spock didn’t tell me.

 

I guess I should congratulate you on actually going through with the wedding. I’ve also been chastised multiple times by Liz for assuming all relationships will end with either destruction and/or death, before she stopped speaking to me. Apparently she’s not that happy about me having a date with Nikki from your Communications Department.

 

Which I just don’t get because she had a ‘date’ with some guy from our intergalactic diplomacy class just two weeks ago. I didn’t say anything about that. So I don’t know why she is so upset. Liz is so weird sometimes and I have no idea why. It is not like she’s interested in me so she can’t be jealous. Even if she was it would end tragically, completely destroying our friendship and one of us would be sobbing in a corner and that person would probably be me. You’re well aware that I can’t function very well without Liz.

I think that’s the main reason why I decided to come to Starfleet Academy, even though mom hated the idea. Maybe mom would not have drunk herself into oblivion if I had just gone to UF Iowa or a school not affiliated with Starfleet in any way, shape, or form like she wanted me to. In a way, what happened was definitely my fault.

 

I’d don’t want to know what you’re doing on your honeymoon. I don’t even want to think about it. Okay, I don’t want to think about the sex portion of your honeymoon, but you better bring me back a souvenir. No T-shirts and no shot glasses.

 

Actually, I would suggest a picture first, but I’m pretty sure you’re not going to be responding to this because you’re probably already occupied doing what I hope is just shopping. It’s just that I kind of need somebody to talk to and again Liz is not speaking to me. Apparently, I don’t have that many friends, real ones anyway. Also I canceled the date hoping that would lead to Liz speaking to me again. That didn’t work. Help.

 

PS: Who came up with this email address? Do you have to put your husband’s name on everything?

To be continued

 


	32. And whatever you do, don’t swallow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. We have another all letters/email chapter. This time around so we can do a bit of a time jump. I was hoping to get this update to you sooner but never tried to schedule time to work on stories while on vacation or proofread on a Greyhound. That never goes very well.

Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. We have another all letters/email chapter. This time around so we can do a bit of a time jump. I was hoping to get this update to you sooner but never tried to schedule time to work on stories while on vacation or proofread on a Greyhound. That never goes very well.

 

Xxxxxxx

Dear Spock:

I would’ve written this to you as an email but you threw my PADD out a fucking window. I still can’t believe you did that. Seriously, what did my PADD ever do to you? I wasn’t even going to do work stuff. At worst, I would check up on Nyota to make sure Bones’ stalker has not tried to hack her up into little pieces and maybe send out an email thanking everybody for this nice vacation.

 

As far as wedding presents goes paying for an ocean getaway at some tiny coastal boutique hotel is pretty good. Okay the season passes to the nearby water park happened to be my favorite part, though I am still upset it’s not actually part of the hotel. I’m sure Dr. Suarez paid for those. She knows me so well. Definitely beats a toaster. Seriously who gives toasters in 2259? Especially to a couple that works in space. You should give gift cards or something actually useful.

 

Seriously, be thankful for the water park. Because otherwise I would be really bored. There’s only so much time you can take lying around naked, being fed chocolate strawberries, especially when you’re not allowed to do anything to the other naked person feeding you strawberries.

 

I still don’t get why you won’t let me give you a blowjob. Bones just said we can’t do anything more dangerous than the exchange of saliva until there are 100% sure I am all the radiation and super blood free. Your clean, so I should be able to do to you whatever you want me to do.

 

I know you’re not going to leave me if I don’t put out. The platinum ring around my finger tells me that. You know I’m probably going to be playing with that on the bridge, even if I end up being your eye candy first officer.

 

There’s still a part of me that thinks that the last few days didn’t happen and we are not actually married. Actually, I never woke up from the warp core incident.

 

Okay, I may have just woke up from reliving the entire thing which is why I’m writing you at 2:33 AM on this idyllic first day of July. If I still have my PADD, I could be playing a videogame right now. That always makes me sleepy when orgasms are not an option.

Stupid, stupid Bones

 

XXXXXX

Dear James:

I wish you would sleep more, but I understand the reason for your insomnia. I had hoped that several hours of utilizing various waterslides would exhaust you to the point where sleep would be easy, but very little can chase away memories as profound as what happened that day. The incident has revisited me in my dreams as well. Sharing a bed with you has decreased these dreams exponentially, but they still occur.

 

I understand why you are worried, but it is highly improbable that Starfleet will demote you to the position of first officer (permanently), even though you asked that both you and I to be considered for the position. I am not sure if I am mentally suited for the position of Captain. I much prefer to work under you.

 

If it will put your mind at ease, I can send an email to Nyota. I did bring a private PADD with us. However, I was given strict orders that neither of us are to engage in any work like activities until our honeymoon is over.

Xxxxxx

 

Dear Spock:

I bet it was Admiral Chan. She’s always scary. Wait, you brought a PADD? Evil Vulcan bastard.

I don’t agree with you. I think you are better suited for the position. You definitely have more experience, if nothing else. We are going to be working as a team, no matter what. Whoever they actually assign as Captain will just have the deciding vote and considering what I allowed to happen, maybe I don’t deserve that vote anymore.

 

I wish you were working under me right now, but Bones is a bastard. Seriously, we have to talk to him about the no sex thing. I mean at this point, it’s just to prevent contamination. I know you’re the scientist in this relationship, but could we do this by using good old-fashioned barrier contraceptives? I think Bones just gets a kick out of cock blocking my life. Go ahead and check in. Maybe you can email the bastard and see if he will change his mind while I go check out the beach.

 

PS: I know what you’re doing in the shower right now. It’s fine. Somebody should be making good use of the chocolate raspberry lube that one of our friends got us. Seriously, who gives stuff like that as a wedding present?

XXXXX

From: Spock_Grayson

To: Enterprise Users

Time sent: 7/1/2259 06:35:01

Subject: Thank you for your service and your contributions to our honeymoon fund

 

I do not write this letter of thanks as the first officer of the ship you served on, but as your fellow crew member. These last few weeks have been difficult for all of us. We have lost colleagues, friends, and loved ones. We have seen the organization that we all hold so dear be contaminated by those that do not believe in the core doctrines on which Starfleet was founded.

 

Those individuals have become a corrupting influence on this auspicious organization and have steered us from its true mission from one of peace and exploration to one of war. All of us were betrayed by those we assumed we could trust. That believed in the same ideology that we did. Despite such hardships, we prevailed and became stronger than what we were before.

 

Many of you will be moving on to new assignments in the next few weeks, due to the long time it will take for Enterprise to be repaired and the need for good officers that have not been influenced by the forces mentioned above. It has been an honor to serve with you and is highly probable that our paths will intersect at some later point.

 

Due to recent events, I realized that some of you may be contemplating leaving Starfleet entirely, because this organization is no longer the organization it was promised to be. If you are one of these individuals, I ask you to reconsider. Because if you leave, that means there will be one less individual in the organization that values the true principles on which Starfleet was built.

 

I would also like to thank the crewmembers that either attended my nuptials to Captain Kirk or contributed to our honeymoon fund. Your show of loyalty and friendship has been valuable during this time of great upheaval.

Sincerely,

Commander Spock-Kirk

 

XXXXXX

From: Spock_Grayson

To: UhuraNX

Time sent: 7/1/2259 7:35:01

Subject: Thank you for planning our wedding and subsequent honeymoon.

 

Thank you for assisting in the wedding preparations. This was much more than what we were planning ourselves and I appreciate the effort that you put into this. James told me that you enjoyed doing this because it allowed you to be distracted from the current events. However, I still appreciate what you did, although were the orange roses necessary? James told me what happened to Lieutenant Ramirez and I am glad we could assist in lessening his burden by removing some of the financial stress from him.

 

I am sure the food was lovely; unfortunately I was unable to try anything. I do not understand why human weddings require you to spend so much time socializing with your guests. This is not a custom common to Vulcan ceremonious. Actually, the feast is for the family and the bonding couple is neither required nor expected to attend.

 

I also assume you were the one who planned our honeymoon and arranged for others to contribute. Your choice of accommodations was commendable. I enjoyed the hotel’s large library of first editions. I’m sure James will as well as soon as he is aware of the collection. Presently he is spending the majority of his time in the water park next door or the nearby beach.

 

Although, was it necessary to stock the room with vast amounts of chocolate, roses, and candles? Also I assume you arranged for the sexual survival kit from the red light district to be delivered to our suite. Despite the usefulness of the chocolate raspberry lubricant, this was unnecessary because we are currently unable to engage in such activities due to the medical restrictions of your significant other.

 

I would not do anything that would jeopardize James health, could you please get Dr. McCoy to reconsider his medical recommendations? If he is concerned about possible contamination, a barrier method could be utilized.

 

If you need to contact James or myself during our impromptu vacation, please use this email address during our stay. I may have thrown James’ PADD out the window on our travels here.

XXXXXXX

From: Spock_Grayson

To: KirkKR

Time sent: 7/1/2259 8:04:21

Subject: This is the email address of Spock-Kirk

 

Actually, this is my email address and it includes my mother’s maiden name. No, we are not engaging in any type of activity that you would find distasteful unless you find waterslides and reading first edition novels distasteful.

 

There is no one by the named Nikki in the Enterprise Communications Department. There is a Nathan, Natalie and a Natasha. The fact that you cannot remember this individual’s name leads me to believe that it was best that you cancel your plans with this person

.

I would suggest actually speaking to Cadet Simmons in an open and rational way, in an effort to let her know your true feelings about her. In light of the fact you are unable to do this with your brother, I doubt you would be able to do this with her.

 

XXXXX

From: KirkKR

To: Spock_Grayson

Time sent: 7/02/2259 01:02:51

Subject: RE: This is actually the email address of Spock-Kirk

 

Hyphenated names, how 21st century of you. Wait; is this Jim’s last name now too?

 

You are a real comedian, especially for someone who is not supposed to have a sense of humor.

 

There’s nothing wrong with the way Simmons and I talk to one another. Actually she’s the one I tell most stuff to. But how exactly do you tell someone that you will never date them because you feel completely out of their league, regardless of any related feelings you may have for this individual? I doubt even your Vulcan brains can come up with an answer for that question.

 

A year was already too fast. I can’t imagine things going any faster between you and Jim. I mean, you guys were already halfway down the aisle before we even met each other. Actually by Vulcan standards, you managed to jump the broom at first sight or whatever. Of course, I’m not going to be happy to realize that Jim built this entire new life that I’m not a part of when I was off being a good little freshman.

 

When Jim is done with honeymoon things, tell him to call me.

xxxxx

From: Spock_Grayson

To: KirkKR

Time sent: 7/02/2259 6:23:38

Subject: This is actually the email address of Spock-Kirk

 

I am the only one utilizing a hyphenated name. I decided that a more human sounding last name may be more advantageous in Starfleet.

 

Have you considered writing Cadet Simmons about how you feel about her? This worked for James and me.

 

James will call you sometime this evening. Even though your brother’s career may send him light years away from you, you will always be a part of him. Do not forget that.

XXXX

 

From: UhuraNX

To: Spock_Grayson

Time sent: 7/02/2259 7:05:01

Subject: Really, I’m Fine, but Please Don’t Ask Me to Talk to My Boyfriend about Your Sex Life.

I love you. You are my best friend, but never ever ask me to talk to my boyfriend about getting you permission to fuck your husband. I’m okay hearing details about your sex life. I’m not okay discussing them in a medical context with Dr. Leonard McCoy. I will do anything for you, but that.

 

Sorry, I can’t take credit for the honeymoon. That was Admiral Pike and Dr. Suarez and I really don’t want to think about the gift that they got you guys. Again, there are just some things I don’t want to know about. That is one of them.

 

I’m glad I could help with the wedding. I adore Jim, when he’s not being an idiot. He’s my friend as much as you are. You and Jim both deserve nice things, especially with everything going on.

 

It was good to just be distracted for a little while and focus on something not related to the great conspiracy. I need to stay busy. Otherwise, I think I may go crazy.

 

Sorry about the food thing. The caterers were supposed to put a box lunch in the car for you because the bridal party never actually gets to eat at weddings. I guess they forgot. You do have the top tier of the wedding cake in your freezer. I brought that over myself.

 

I know you said I could stay in your apartment any time I needed to, but I thought I should let you know that I’m going to be crashing on your couch for a couple of days. Really, it’s going to be only a couple of days because they’re shipping me off to UF Georgia for some exchange program between Starfleet and the Universities of the Federation system. Usually the positions are at UF Berkeley, but Georgia has a better linguistics department and my time there will go towards my doctorate if I decide to actually go for it. They just told me about the assignment this morning.

 

I guess I could have a worse bridge assignment during the Enterprise repairs. At least we will still be on the same planet and this will help Leonard with his custody situation. I’m planning to drag him down there with me no matter what.

 

And maybe Jim was right about me needing a vacation and to get away from Starfleet and San Francisco for a while. Maybe a change of scenery would be for the best. Although please don’t tell him that. You know how smug he can be sometimes.

 

Anyway even if I’m gone before you guys get back, I will come and visit. It’s only like an hour shuttle ride.

 

XXX

From: KirkKR

To: Spock_Grayson

Time sent: 7/03/2259 00:35:01

Subject: Re: This is actually the email address of Spock-Kirk

 

I think you and Jim share the same brain. He said the exact same thing when he called. In between raving about all his time spent in the great book room.

 

I need some advice that will actually work. I’ve done the great Suarez therapy assignment before and it usually never goes well, especially when I’m the one reading the letters that Jim writes.

xxxxxxxx

From: Spock_Grayson

To: KirkKR

Time sent: 7/03/2259 6:35:01

Subject: RE: This is actually the email address of Spock-Kirk

 

This strategy has worked successfully on multiple occasions. The mere fact that your brother and I are now married proves this to be an effective method. Please see the correspondences below. Your brother gave me permission to share this with you.

 

Maybe it will give you some ideas on how to deal with the situation with Cadet Simmons. But if nothing else, it will show you that all of us are afraid when it comes to matters of love and friendship. But if your brother and I had continued to use our fear as an excuse we would not be where we are now. That would be unfortunate.

XXXXXXXX

From: KirkJT

To: SpockX

Subject: I'm not sure if I love you

Time send: 9/30/2258 00:00:01

I need to stop lying to myself.  If I’m only writing these letters for myself then I need to be honest. If you can't be honest with yourself, than whom can you be honest with?

 

I don’t know how I feel about you.  You still confuse the hell out of me.  Actually, I find you more confusing now than when we were ‘not arguing’ all the time before things became amicable.  I know I’m sexually attracted to you.  You are beautiful.  How could I not find you sexually attractive? 

 

However, I’m also attracted to more than just your aesthetic beauty.  I’m attracted to you.  I enjoy spending time with you.  I’m annoyed that you’re only letting me in so far because I want to know everything about you.  I want to see the real you.

 

I know that I care about you.  I hate that you are away from me so much right now because of this assignment.  I miss being on the bridge with you.  I miss our chess games.  I miss having lunch with you.  I do get that you need to spend time with your father even though you two are still barely getting along. I don't have any right to monopolize your time.

 

I was willing to attack that ass hole Vulcan for you. That right there is a very obvious sign that I really lo-- like you. I would have kicked that dick’s ass for what he said about you and your mother if you would've let me.  You don’t refer to someone’s dead mother by any derogatory synonym for prostitute in any language. That's just not right.

 

I’m surprised you didn’t try to kill him.  I said you did not love your mom and you try to kill me. He calls her a slut and you just walk away.  Me asking you about that particular course of action was what started our last argument in the first place.

 

I know I want to be more than your friend, even though that’s not going to happen right now.  You are with someone else presently, even though I know that relationship is not headed for white picket fences and 1.7 children. I just can’t actively try to break the two of you up because it would hurt you.  I'd rather die than cause you pain. 

 

Even though you refuse to talk to me about what’s going on, I know that particular relationship is falling apart.  I’ve known for a while and maybe I wanted to pretend that it would be happily ever after for you two to keep myself from—I don’t know what.  I’m so confused.

 

I know I have been using your relationship with someone else to ignore that I am starting to really care about you.  It’s pretty obvious that you and the girlfriend are not going to be forever because your father has been trying to set you up with other people since we arrived at the colony weeks ago and you did not even bother bringing the girlfriend to meet the parent.  (Although, you did bring me. Can I please read something into that?)

 

Apparently, I did understand your argument with your father when we first got here even if I still don't know what Pon Farr means and I'm too afraid to ask. I was just shocked that your dad was playing matchmaker when you are in a relationship with someone else. Actually, I’m surprise he would play matchmaker at all.  Considering he has backed off in the last few days, maybe he finally got that you’re not interested in settling down here on the colony and leaving ~~me~~ Starfleet behind.  I am not even going to pretend that you would be staying for the girlfriend because it’s obvious that your relationship with Uhura is not strong enough to keep you on Enterprise. It wasn't the first time around.)

 

Honestly, I don’t know if I love you.  I don’t think I know what love is.  It’s not exactly like I’ve had the best role models in this area.  My father supposedly loved my mother but he left her behind.  Yes, he did it to protect us and 800 other individuals, but he still left her behind.  My mother loved my father but she married Frank less than five years after his death.  Frank supposedly loved my mother but he fucked around behind her back and abused her children.

 

The only functional relationship I have ever seen between two people that really loved each other has been between Pike and his wife.  I will admit I want that type of love someday, maybe.  I want to be with somebody who would be willing to put his or her entire career on the line for our relationship.  I want to be with somebody who would stay by my side through rehabilitation and forced career changes.

 

Even if I do love you, I’m not sure what to do about it.  You are not single right now, even if the relationship isn’t perfect.  If you and her break up tomorrow, it’s not like you and I will jump headfirst into a new relationship.  I can tell you from personal experience that rebound relationships usually end in disaster and spending quality time with my good friend, Jack.  I don’t want to risk the possibility of us not having that life altering friendship for a temporary sexual relationship.  I don’t think I can function without you anymore.  We have known each other less than six months and I can’t imagine my life without you now.  I’d rather just be your friend than live the rest of my life without you.

 

Maybe, I just need to get laid.  Maybe, all this confusion and sexual attraction to someone who can only be a friend is caused by extreme sexual frustration.  After we get done with our work here on the colony, I asked if we could have a little shore leave.  Heavy construction and extreme temperatures is not exactly the easiest thing on humans, even though we have all this great technology that can put up an apartment complex in less than 24 hours. Maybe, a shore leave hookup is exactly what I need.

 

Part of me does not think sex with some complete stranger is going to make things better.  Yes, I’ve done one or two one night stands before but I’m pretty sure copious amounts of alcohol were involved.  I’m never very comfortable with it and usually have to get myself drunk enough not to care.

 

Second, I just want you.  I just want to be with you.  I don’t think there’s anybody on any planet that could take your place.  I guess I’m just going to have to get used to the extreme sexual frustration/confusion.  I’ve become really good friends with my right hand recently thanks to you.

 

Since I can’t do anything about the sexual frustration, I can at least try to deal with the other parts of my confusion and irritation caused by you.  You made a valid point this morning during our argument.  I can’t expect you to tell me your entire life story when you barely know anything about my pre-Starfleet life that wasn’t in whatever file you read to prepare for your arguments at the Kobayashi Maru trial months ago.  If I cannot even send you these letters, than what right do I have to expect you to open up to me about your girlfriend troubles or about being bullied growing up? 

 

Pike always told me that the best Captains lead by example.  I’m going to lead by example.  I know I’m not going to send you this letter because that might lead to me spending several hours in sexual harassment training and you handing in your resignation. I'm not going to risk that happening. Do you know how boring those seminars are?

 

First, I’m going to actually apologize for what happened this afternoon.  Then, I’m going to suggest we find some way to squeeze in that movie night even though we are unbelievably busy right now.  I’m going to tell you stories about how Sam taught me how to ride an old fashion bike, because Frank was too drunk and my mom wasn’t there to teach me how.  I may even tell you about being bullied and breaking some idiot’s nose in the third grade for calling me ‘orphaned boy’.  I promise to tell you about being 12 and figuring out that I liked boys too.  I’ll tell you about all the crazy things that happened in the dorms at my posh private school.  Bad and sometimes illegal things happen when you lock 250 gifted kids in a dormitory together.  I’m personally surprise nobody ended up dead or arrested.  If we do have shore leave and you get me drunk enough, I may even tell you about the day I found out that Sam was dead.  Maybe, if I let you really see me, maybe you’ll let me really see you. It's worth a try.

XXXXXXX

From: SpockX

 

To: KirkJT

 

Subject: I apologize for my behavior yesterday and in general

 

Time sent: 11/3/2258 12:21:15

 

Dear James:

 

I am uncertain how to begin this letter, mostly because I actually intend to send it to you. This exercise is much easier when you assume that the reader will never actually see it. If my hypothesis is correct, you have most likely read several journal entries that were not intended for your reading. I cannot be angry with you about that because I have done the same. It would be hypocritical. Although in my case, I did not commit a crime to receive such materials.

 

Maybe, I should have told you that I was receiving your private therapy letters but I was afraid. I have been afraid to tell you a lot of things, least of all was how I feel about you. I have been infatuated with you since the first moment I saw you. I find you fascinating and intriguing. Unfortunately, I have never told you any of these things. I should have told you early on that I found you sexually attractive, but again, I was afraid and not just of your reaction. After things went so badly with Nyota, I realized that I'm not in a place psychologically for a relationship.

 

My mother's death is still painful for me. I am still having trouble accepting what happened. In the last 24 hours, I have almost picked up my communicator twice to let her know what has been going on. That was before I could remember that number belonged to a person, on a planet that does not exist anymore.

 

Things are getting better. Usually, I can eat more than two or three bites of food and I am sleeping significantly better now. Working with Dr. Suarez has helped me immensely. However, I think spending time with you and talking with you has helped my recovery more than anything else. I no longer dream about the many ways I could have saved her. (I am sure that if you have read my therapy journal you know what has replaced those dreams) I no longer feel like I am drowning in guilt.

 

More importantly, I no longer feel like I should have died on that planet with everyone else. You gave me a reason to want to keep on living. For that alone, I thank you. After the events of yesterday, if you want me to leave the Enterprise I will transfer. I do not want to but I don't want to cause you any more pain. I know I caused you a lot of pain inadvertently due to my own cowardly behavior. I am aware that my actions may have shown otherwise but I do care about you. No matter how much time passes or what your feelings are, I will still love you.

 

 

xxxxxx

From: Spock_Grayson

 

To: UhuraNX

 

Time sent: 7/03/2259 7:21:23

 

Subject: Congratulations, regarding your new assignment

 

I believe that you will thrive at the position at UF Georgia and maybe some distance from recent events will be beneficial for all involved. However, I will miss being so close to you, but it will only be for six months at most. As you said, you will only be a short shuttle ride away. Once the situation with Winona is resolved and we are not needed to oversee the rehabilitation of Enterprise, we may come visit you.

 

Are you staying at our apartment in an effort to avoid Dr. McCoy? I was under the impression that your relationship with the doctor has improved dramatically during the last few days.

XXXXX

 

From: Spock_Grayson

To: McCoyL

Time sent: 7/3/2259 7:49:32

Subject: How is Nyota actually doing?

 

Dr. Margarita’s plan for James to relax during our honeymoon has gone successfully. Though I am certain that James should be 34.3% more relaxed if we were allowed to engage in any activity that would result in orgasming I could email several articles regarding the correlation between orgasms and stress relief. But I’m certain that you would be familiar with such articles.

 

I realize you are worried about the risk that James poses to myself due to the various chemicals still in his system. However, precautions can be taken to prevent such contamination.

 

Another thing that would allow James to relax more fully is verification that Nyota is well and no longer being harassed by Yu. Although I wrote her earlier, I feel I will get a more accurate assessment of her current emotional state from you.

 

XXX

From: KirkKR

To: KirkJT

Time sent: 7/03/2259 23:47:39

Subject:

 

I’m sending this to your work email because I don’t want you to see this until after you’re done with your happy honeymoon, but I need to write it out now. Besides, this way you won’t read this until I’m already with you dealing with the Winona situation. I should be done with all my finals by the eighth. I hate finals week.

 

Seriously Jim, why did you not forward this to me when I was being a complete dick about you and Spock getting together? This may have helped me get over it faster.

 

Reading this also made me realize there’s a lot of things that you don’t talk to me about. I was there and I don’t think we ever talked about how you felt when you found out about Sam being murdered on Tarsus. I guess that’s one of our problems. We don’t talk about things and maybe I am afraid to talk about this stuff and you don’t want to push me away by forcing the issue. I don’t know.

 

Okay I don’t know if that’s the case with us, but I’m sure it’s the case with Liz. I think you said it best in your letter with this line “I don’t want to risk the possibility of us not having that life altering friendship for a temporary sexual relationship.” 

 

I may not have been there for the Frank disaster, but I watched Dr. Suarez bury her wife and Pike’s gather her husband’s ashes even if I wasn’t literally invited to the party, probably because I was being a dick to you at the time. I’ve never seen a relationship that ended happily ever after. Maybe people are happy for a moment, but eventually the relationship will fall apart.

 

By the way, I know more about the Gary incident than I ever wanted to. If I ever see him again. I’m going to knock him out.

 

So with all those bad examples, I’m going to be afraid to tell Liz everything she means to me because she’s going to leave eventually. Everybody does.

 

PS: What is Pon Farr and what did Spock do that resulted in him sending you that second letter?

 

From: UhuraNX

To: Spock_Grayson

Time sent: 7/4/2259 04:43:54

Subject: Re: Congratulations, regarding your new assignment

 

No, of course not. I would not be dragging him to Georgia with me, if that were the case.

 

So while I was preventing you and Jim from getting married in jeans and a T-shirt at the courthouse, Rebecca and Carol were doing exactly like that. I even heard that Jim ran into Carol at the courthouse. So basically, I do not want share a house with newlyweds and Leonard gave up his housing already. There is a shortage and Starfleet is sending both of us to Georgia soon. Apparently they’re giving Leonard a sabbatical as well with the School of Xeno-medicine. Although I think he’s going to be teaching more than studying. The Place does do a lot of research on combat medicine.

 

I hope you two are having a good honeymoon. Although I don’t want to know the details. Also good move, getting rid of Jim’s work PADD. He doesn’t need to deal with Starfleet stress right now. A break away from it all would be good.

XXXXXXX

From: McCoyL To: Spock_Grayson

Subject: Everything’s fine now, but…

Time sent: 7/4/2259 12:45:23

 

Look, I know Nyota is not there to tell you what’s going on, but I don’t want you to hear this from someone else like Kevin or Admiral Pike. When we got back from the wedding, San Francisco PD was dragging Zagir Yu off the property, wearing nothing but a trench coat. Apparently she assumed that if she showed up there naked, I would run away with her. The woman has completely lost it.

 

There’s no reason for you to come back at this point. It is not a big deal and the problem has been handled by your bosses as it should be. She didn’t even bring any weapons with her. She was just one apple short of a fruit basket and she’s back in custody for violating half a dozen restraining orders and violating the conditions of her bail. It’s likely that she won’t get out again. Remind me to buy your lawyer a drink sometime for her ability to think ahead.

 

Again, neither you nor Jim need to come back here. Especially considering we won’t even be in San Francisco after a few days because they’re sending both of us off to Atlanta for a six month sabbatical at UF Georgia. Personally, I think Alexis and Shawn had something to do with the sweetheart of an assignment. They were probably worried we are going to sue Starfleet for what Yu did to us and maybe we will. But at least this way I have a shot of getting to see my daughter.

 

Besides with everything going on, maybe a few months away from Starfleet and San Francisco would be good for both of us. UF Georgia does a lot of work in combat medicine, so at least my time there will be well spent. It’s always good to pick up new techniques to keep you and Jim alive. I need all the help I can get with you two morons.

 

I give up on you two horny teenagers keeping your damn hands to yourself. You can do whatever you want to do as long as you don’t overly exhaust Jim and you use barrier prophylactics. That means condoms and gloves, especially because of your supersensitive Vulcan hands. You are a scientist. You know the proper procedures to prevent cross contamination. Don’t contaminate yourself with whatever’s in Jim’s system.

 

And whatever you do, don’t swallow.

 

To be continued


	33. A Coma is Not a Vacation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. Apparently a lot of you love the title for the last chapter. Even though I don’t have time to every review I still love hearing what you think. I even recently set up a Twitter account via my pen name@Misscar2015, if you want another avenue to contact me.
> 
> Sorry for the lag between updates. I’m still recovering from my July vacation and my job being slightly insane. Then several family members are having major health problems. Right now I only get to write on the weekends and a serious amount of laundry took precedence. But I think I might be back on schedule after this chapter but I have a feeling it’s not going to stay that way.

Jim Kirk was actually enjoying a relaxing honeymoon at a motel called The Seaside Reading Room. With a name like that, he really should’ve realized that most of the books lining the walls of the place were more than decorative without Spock pointing it out.

 

Jim loves authentic paper books. There’s just something about the feel of the pages underneath his fingers as he reads that he enjoys. Okay, maybe there’s just something about laying his head in Spock’s lap as he reads outside overlooking the ocean. It puts his mind at ease in a way that very little else could.

 

In the reading room, Jim didn’t have to think about dying, or backstabbing admirals that were responsible for his death in the first place. Winona Kirk and her spectacular fall off the wagon was the furthest thing from his mind at the moment, even if he knew he was Iowa-bound very soon.

 

Okay he was amusing himself with the Kevin and Liz show, but that was more adorable than annoying. Why was it that as soon as Bones and Nyota finally get it together, Kevin and Liz start to become unraveled? His friends have very bizarre love lives.

 

So there was no sex, but there was a waterpark and getting fed chocolate covered strawberries by his sexy Vulcan husband. He also almost managed to get Spock off by sucking his fingers before Spock quickly put a stop to his fun.

 

 All the bad stuff was being pushed out of his mind until Spock received the ‘it’s okay to have sex with your husband’ email. The problem was the message also doubled as a ‘Yu is fucking crazy and tried to kill us all’ email. He was already throwing most of his things in a bag by the time he called Nhi to figure out what was going on (because he just knew Nyota was not going to tell him the truth). Now she was trying to convince him not to run back to San Francisco.

 

“It’s not nothing. Yu showing up at Carol and Nyota’s house in a trench coat in an effort to seduce Bones is something that we should’ve been told about immediately.” Jim did not yell this, but it was a near thing. Even he knew not to yell at an Admiral. He’s not that unprofessional, contrary to what some might think.

 

"This is not something we should’ve found out a week later in an email from Bones,” that just happened to give them permission to have sex again. He almost wonders if that part was included in there to distract him from the real problem at hand.

 

"You weren’t supposed to find out at all." Nhi sighed.

"These are my people, my crew. This whole nightmare began on my ship. I need to know what the fuck is going on." Maybe he raised his voice just a little this time.

 

"You need to learn not to curse in front of your Admiral." Jim is well aware of that, but he really doesn’t care at the moment.

 

"Technically, you’re not my Admiral." He smiled cheekily.

 

"No, I’m not, but I’m probably the only member of the admiralty, other than Chan, who has any hope of getting you to do something not stupid. You’re on your honeymoon. Leave all of the Starfleet politics and backstabbing to me right now.” Why did he have a feeling that she wasn’t telling him something?

 

"I can’t do that." He argued.

 

“You don’t have a choice.” She sighed. “Look, this really is not a vacation.”

 

"What does that mean?"

 

"Until the investigation is completed, you are not part of Starfleet and neither is your husband.” Okay, Jim was not expecting to hear that.

 

“What?” Jim asked confused.

 

"You’re both on paid administrative leave. It just so happens to work out that you have a honeymoon and a very sick mother to take care of. On paper we’re calling it family leave, but it is what it is."

 

“Are you telling me that I am suspended?" Jim asked in agitation.

 

“I’m saying that a lot of people in high places are very concerned about what just happened. Chan’s predecessor tried to start a war with the Klingons using you as bait. My predecessor has been abusing his power for years. This investigation needs to be done completely by the book, especially considering recent events. We already had to get rid of the lead investigator. We can’t deal with any more hiccups. ”

 

“I did not know anything about recent events a.k.a. the trench coat seduction incident until Bones told me.” Jim mumbled under his breath.

 

“For your safety, it needs to stay that way. I’m sorry, but you can’t be here right now. I need to keep certain people happy and prevent other people from maybe trying to kill you again just to keep their dark secrets from being made public. You and Spock will be spending the next few weeks dealing with things other than Starfleet." This was Starfleet bureaucrat for ‘you can’t be around right now because you will fuck everything up’.

 

"How bad is it?" ‘How likely am I to be actually kicked out of Starfleet?’ Jim thought to himself.

 

"Through his lawyer, a certain soon-to-be former Admiral of ill repute managed to convince Yu that if she burned down Admiral Marcus’s former house during her seduction of Dr. McCoy, she would actually get what she wants. When in reality, she would destroy dozens of data crystals hidden in the crown molding of the man’s home office. Data crystals that contain such damning evidence like certain Federation Council staff members taking kickbacks to look the other way during the militarization of Starfleet. It actually gets worse than that. This is just what I can say over an unencrypted line." This was Starfleet bureaucrat for ‘this is an absolute super classified cluster fuck that you should be extremely thankful you do not have a need to know about. You don’t want to know about it.’

 

“I’m sure they were hoping that the lead investigator’s daughter being killed in said fire would result in a new investigator being put in charge of the investigation after all evidence of wrongdoing was destroyed. Thankfully your surprise wedding derailed those plans.” ‘At least it was good for something’ Jim thought bitterly to himself.

 

"That’s not good."

 

"Especially because Yu started the fire with Carol and Rebecca inside the house."

 

"Fuck!" Now Jim really wishes he would have invited both to the wedding, even if Spock would’ve been snippy about it.

 

“Are they okay?”

 

"Nothing worse than minor smoke inhalation for Carol. Thankfully, the fire prevention system kicked in very quickly and Rebecca is really good at tackling idiots who think arson is a way to someone’s heart.”

 

“I’m sure she would be.”

 

“There’s nothing you could do at this point, so you should just stay where you are. Enjoy the rest of your honeymoon and the drive to Iowa. My extra stripes mean that I get to deal with this mess so you don’t." That is Starfleet bureaucrat for ‘the lawyers won’t let me let you get anywhere near this mess because it will make it even more of a mess because you are nothing but a lawsuit waiting to happen.’

 

"I think it would be better if I’m there in San Francisco to help with the investigation." Jim offered.

 

“You are very stubborn.” She sighed in frustration. “You’re not allowed to help with the investigation. Do I need to order you to go deal with your mom?"

 

"Probably, because I really don’t want to." Jim replied, a little too flippantly.

 

“I’m well aware of your very complicated relationship with Winona.” Because you were the one who scraped her off the floor this time around when I was in a coma. Also, me being in the coma in the first place was why she fell off the wagon so spectacularly, this time around. “You won’t be dealing with it alone." Of course not, because you were the ones who stuck her in the hospital in the first place this time.

 

"Spock is going to be there with me. I’m pretty sure there was something in our wedding vows about helping me deal with my crazy mother." Jim joked instead.

 

"It’s covered under that in sickness and health and in good times and bad part of the ceremony."

 

"Dealing with Winona will definitely fall under bad times.” Jim groaned. “Kevin’s coming too, as soon as finals are over. He was already planning not to do the second summer session." Jim wasn’t sure how true that was considering everything, but Jim is shocked that he managed to not drop out during the first summer session.

 

"Because he was going to intern in Chan’s office for a few weeks." That was news to Jim. Being in admiral’s intern was a rare privilege (unless you knew somebody and the woman did save Kevin’s life on the planet they do not speak of).

 

"Therefore learning much more than he did in most of his classes last semester,” Jim commented snidely. He definitely learned more in his last year as the Captain then he did his four years at the Academy. He wished they taught a special course about how to realize that the Admiralty is conspiring against you. “I’m guessing the internship has been canceled."

 

"More like Liz is going to be there too. And your brother would rather give up a great opportunity then deal with things like a grown-up," which was his current strategy for dealing with everything.

 

“Sometimes I think Kevin is perpetually stuck at age 9."

 

"You said it."

 

“That is the reason why I need to come back." Because he doubted Spock’s idea to let Kevin read some of the best of the accidental letters would actually help, especially if he’s giving up an internship with the head of Starfleet.

 

“You can help Kevin grow up from Iowa. For the sake of making sure we truly get the bastards, you’re not allowed to be anywhere near this investigation. I’m not allowed to be anywhere near this investigation, but they’re letting me deal with the Enterprise related disciplinary issues because I’m more impartial than you would be." That’s true because Jim wants to strangle Yu for what she did.

 

"You are more confident than I would be."

 

"I’ve been in Starfleet almost as long as you have been alive. I can deal with the sanctimonious bullshit because I’m used to it. Besides if anybody could use a break, it’s you." Taking care of Winona is not a break. He would rather sunbathe on the Klingon homeworld, not that it’s a very sunshiny place to begin with.

 

"I had a break. Starfleet medical is very beautiful this time of year and I’ve already repacked."

 

“I suggest you unpack again. Being in a coma for a week does not count as a break. You need more time than just a few days."

 

"What about being in the hospital for another week after waking up from the coma?"

 

"Again, still not a vacation. Things are handled. Yu is back in jail without a chance in hell of making bail after her last little stunt. In addition, the people that she attacked are being whisked off to an undisclosed location."

 

"That happens to be Georgia. Do Bones and Nyota know that they’re not supposed to tell people where they are being stationed?"

 

“I was talking about Carol and Rebecca, especially Carol because she’s a star witness in this nightmare," since she had a tiny nervous breakdown at her father’s funeral and we need to keep her sane enough to actually testify.

 

"Again, that’s why..." I need to be actually doing something instead of frolicking on the beach or frolicking all over my husband.

 

"I have no trouble whatsoever court-martialing you if you step foot in San Francisco before August 1 unless you have a court order to do so." Nhi said in her scariest admiral voice.

 

“That does not matter when that might happen anyway," Jim replied, annoyed. He feels like all of this is just a formality and that he’s going to be forced out of Starfleet regardless, one way or another.

 

“Chan actually likes you a lot. You’re being kept away so certain other idiots can’t use your presence as an excuse to keep their cronies from getting what they deserve. This is not about you, at least not in the way you think it is. This is about finding who was responsible for this snafu. The only thing we really know at this point is it wasn't your fault.”

 

“It’s that bad.”

 

“If they ever promote you to the rank of Admiral, run the other way.” He could tell she was being completely serious. “Send me a postcard from Iowa along with my favorite cupcakes from that bakery. You know what I like.”

 

With that, she disappeared from the screen. Jim’s reaction was to fall back on the bed as he waited for Spock to return from his attempt to check out. Jim had the feeling that said attempt would not work.

 

"I was informed at the front desk that we would be unable to leave for at least two more days." Spock said as he placed another congratulatory food gift basket on the giant table in the room before lying down beside Jim with a red gift bag in hand. They had seriously gotten a ridiculous amount of wedding gifts sent to the hotel, many of the NC-17 variety. That was a little annoying when they couldn’t use any of it, except for the massage oil. Their crew had a twisted sense of humor sometimes.

 

“Not that that would stop us if I really wanted to leave.” Jim grumbled. “I’m just not sure if we should anymore. Did you know that we’re actually on administrative leave? We’re not allowed to do anything Starfleet related including checking up on Nyota after what happened until Chan says it is okay." He just knows that the orders came from the big boss.

 

"Not in the capacity of Starfleet officers. In light of the message I received from Nyota, it would not be logical to return to San Francisco at this time.” Spock passed his personal PADD to Jim. He swears that this afternoon they are going to the nearest electronics store so Jim can get a new toy. He is going to need a PADD to survive the hell that is Iowa.

 

“I get worried when her email starts with a subject line like ‘Really, everything is fine’. Now I’m starting to understand why you hate that term so much.” Jim said, just as he started to read.

 

“I believe she is aware of that.”

Xxxxxxxxxx

From: UhuraNX

To: Spock_Grayson

Time sent: 7/5/2259 10:12: 45

Subject: Really, everything is fine. Really it is. I’m not lying.

 

I’m really not lying this time. I know I’ve been using the term fine a lot lately when I have been anything but fine, but this time the term really fits. The evil one is under arrest and I actually had a decent conversation with my mom that did not dissolve into screaming and crying. I’m even starting to make peace with the entire getting pregnant and subsequently losing said baby because of the evil one trying to steal my boyfriend because she is out of her mind and Stacy Cruz feeding her obsession. (Did you know that he blamed both you and Spock for his significant other dying during the Battle of Vulcan?)

 

Just the fact that I’m referring to Leonard as my boyfriend is excellent progress. If you don’t believe me, ask Dr. Margarita. Unlike Stacy Cruz, she actually tries to help her patients.

 

I will be moving to my new duty station tomorrow and at this point I’m looking forward to being very far away from actual Starfleet. Okay, I’m not happy with being given less than 24 hours to get ready for the move, but I'm already out of a suitcase right now. Starfleet is shipping everything else out to me and arranging for Dr. Margarita to see me in person once a week. Her mom lives in the area, so she sees it as Starfleet paying for her to visit her family.

 

By now, you’re well aware that I was staying at your apartment because of the Yu incident. It was really the safest place to put me. Do you realize that you two were assigned diplomatic quarters instead of regular Starfleet housing because Spock is the son of an ambassador and a member of an endangered species? Apparently, the diplomatic quarters have twice the security of regular Starfleet housing to begin with and it’s a lot easier to do a protection detail because the place was designed for that sort of thing.

 

Leonard wasn’t supposed to tell you, but he did anyway because he’s an idiot sometimes. Also he realized that somebody, probably Kevin would eventually slip up and say something. Who knows?

 

I’m sure you’re both mad because I didn’t tell you what was going on, but in my defense I was ordered not to by Chan herself. When Admiral Chan tells you to do something, you do it.

 

Even then, I’m not sure I would’ve told you because I did not want to risk ruining your honeymoon. You guys need to have a break, especially before you deal with Winona and everything else. I’m hoping she’s in a better place than she was when we found her half dead in her house, but I don’t think I’m that optimistic of a person. It’s my turn to be the good friend and I just don’t want to put anything else on you guys right now.

 

My idiot boyfriend also informed me that you two are now able to have an actual honeymoon. I may have ordered something to help out with that. Check the front desk. I will email you when I get settled in.

 

Love, Nyota

 

PS: I don’t want to know details. Okay, I want a few details, since I can’t do anything for a few more weeks, but nothing graphic.

Xxxxxxxx

 

“I assume the gift bag in your hands is from Nyota.” Jim asked once he finished reading and he didn’t wait for a response before he started digging for the bag. “Are those cinnamon flavored condoms?”

 

"The red gift bag that you are currently looking at came from Admiral Pike. The culinary gift basket on the table is from Nyota. It contains chocolate tort, chocolate truffles, cinnamon body paint and rose petal cookies,” a.k.a. Vulcan aphrodisiacs. At least Nyota has taste.

 

“If the evil Nhi is forcing us to take a ‘vacation’, at least she’s giving us the tools to stay occupied.” Jim said, getting up to get the gift basket. He needs chocolate truffles right now (mostly, because he’s still not allowed to drink).

 

“You are upset.”

 

“That’s obvious. Did you know that we were on administrative leave?"

 

"I knew we were on family leave to deal with the situation with your mother. I was specifically instructed to remove your PADD from you.” That was probably Spock for ‘yes, but I felt it was best not to tell you, so I’m going to employ my Vulcan truth telling skills right now.’

 

“Although I doubt they expected you to toss the thing out the window.” Jim grumbled. He was still mad about that.

 

“It was the most logical option at the time.” Jim doesn’t even know how to respond to that. This definitely calls for chocolate. Chocolate will make everything better.

 

“Did you know that we are not allowed to do anything Starfleet related right now because we are being investigated?” Jim said as he started to dive into the gift basket. There was a serious amount of chocolate in there, including the chocolate massage oil and personal lubricant at the bottom of the basket. Bless her.

 

“We are not being investigated.” Jim fought the urge to glare at his husband.

 

“Oh sure, they are just investigating the people trying to kill me.” Jim said darkly as he popped the truffle in his mouth.

 

“And who have already successfully done so once, barely a month ago.” He felt Spock’s arms wrap around him. “The memory of what happened is haunting. I prefer never to repeat that experience.” Spock’s lips were grazing his neck.

 

“Dr. Margarita would say we probably do need to talk about it.”

 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

 

“Not really. I want you to start sucking my neck or any other appendage you choose to put in your mouth.” Of course, at this Spock pulls away. Evil Vulcan.

 

“But discussion may be necessary.”

 

“I don't like being out of the loop.” Jim said, slightly changing the subject. “I feel like they're just giving me one last vacation before they force me out completely. Then where would I be?” Jim hates this feeling of uselessness. “Joining Starfleet was the first time in my life where I’ve felt like I had a real purpose.”

 

“Your purpose did not begin when you put on that uniform and it will not end when you stop wearing it. If the worst should happened, you will be my Starfleet spouse and therefore a private contractor.” Jim was pretty sure that was a Spock version of a joke.

 

“And if they kick you out too?” That was a possibility. He was worried about bringing Spock down with him.

 

“My father mentioned during our last conversation that the newly reinstated Vulcan Science Academy is having difficulties finding new personnel. If either of us choose to apply, we would likely be accepted.” This was Spock speak for ‘we always have options, especially because my daddy is an ambassador’.

 

“Can you see me as a professor? I would be the guy in the vintage hip-hop T-shirts wearing Birkenstocks that keeps a stash of the ‘good brownies’ in his office.” At that moment, Jim wondered if he could get a hold of some of the ‘good brownies’. But that would probably interfere with a lot of the medication Bones has him on.

 

“I can see you as anything you wish to be. It does not matter to me as long as we are together.” Spock punctuated his words with a kiss that had Jim back up on the table

                                                 

“Good answer.”

 

“I also wish to use the contents of the red gift bag.” It’s at that moment, Jim notices the oil package and small bottle in Spock’s hands. When did he raid the gift bag?

 

“I love how you think.” Jim smirked until he found himself thrown on the giant table. As he predicted, Bones’ ban on this sort of activity was ridiculous because Jim survived the encounter just slightly exhausted with a tiny case of rope burn. Also, he may have a splinter or two.

Xxxxxxx

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk

To: Spock_Grayson

Time saved: 7/5/2259 17:43:01

Time sent: 7/6/2259 00:00:01Subject: Am I really worth getting kicked out of Starfleet for?

 

Dear Spock:

Hey, I got your note and my brand-new PADD. You’re such a good husband. (Although, did you seriously have to set up a new email account for me. What was wrong with the old address?) Good idea of getting food. Apparently, I’m going to need the energy to keep up with you.

 

We are so sending Bones a gift basket, probably something with lots of bourbon as a housewarming/thank you for giving me ‘permission to get fucked by my husband again’ gift. I kind of missed being with you like that even if we did break a table. Seriously, why did you make me be the one to tell the sweet little lady at the front desk that?

 

The crazy thing was she didn’t even bat an eyelash, even though I know she knows how it got that way. We sort of left the condom wrappers and bottles of lube in the middle of the living room. I just have this feeling that they get a lot of honeymooners at the Seaside library room.

 

The new table should be in the room by the time you get back. Not that you’ll actually see this email before we eat dinner because this is going to be one of those emails. And yes, I set up the delay function for this account.

 

So are you really willing to walk away from Starfleet and start a life with me on New Vulcan as professors to snooty Vulcan teenagers? I love what we do when we are not being manipulated by war monger admirals. I know you love what we do. I did read your email to the Enterprise crew. You really are an idealist at heart underneath that logical Vulcan exterior.

 

I don’t want you to do something you don’t want to do. I just want us to be together without all the political bullshit getting in the way. I mean, we already have enough of our own issues without other people’s issues screwing with us.

 

At the same time, I wonder if I can ever really serve on the ship again, let alone be in charge. I keep having lovely flashbacks to the warp core incident. Even my post-orgasm nap ended with me waking up in a cold sweat, screaming. I'm not sure if I will able to get past what happened that day completely.

 

Sometimes I dream that my sacrifice didn’t work and I killed all of you. And yet I somehow managed to survive to see what my screw-up did to everyone else. I think that dream is worse in some ways.

 

I think it would just be easier if you were the one in charge. Let me repeat that I trust you implicitly and there would be less pressure on me. Let’s be honest, I learned most of what I know about being a Captain from you anyway. Besides, it would not be a complete black stain on my record. I wouldn’t be the first Starfleet spouse to take a step back, career wise, so that their significant other could thrive. Chan did it for her first husband (who preceded her in death), and now she is the big boss.

 

I guess we can maybe try to talk about this when you get back with food, but I doubt it, which is the entire reason why I’m sending you this letter.

 

Also, I’m hungry and I want rounds three, four, and five as well. Bones said that you can’t swallow, but he didn’t say anything about me. I could use the extra protein.

 

Love, your long-suffering husband.

 

PS: I really like referring to myself as your husband.

Xxxxxx

From: Spock_Grayson

To: Jim_Spock-Kirk

Time sent: 7/6/2259 06:01:34

Subject: Re: Am I really worth getting kicked out of Starfleet for?

 

Dear James:

I created a new personal email account because the other one should only be utilized when you send personal messages to me of a sexual nature, such as the last few lines of your previous email.

 

I also find pleasure in referring to you as my husband. Because I find pleasure in you as my husband, I would be willing to do anything for you, even if it means leaving Starfleet. If Dr. Margarita said that leaving Starfleet was best for your emotional well-being, I would do it without hesitation. You are what matters most to me.

 

Besides, there is a part of me that wishes to help more directly with the rebuilding work of my people. I am speaking with Admiral Chan to see if we can spend part of the time waiting for Enterprise to be rebuilt, working on the colony. Most of our involvement in this does not actually require a physical presence.

 

I am uncertain if staying in Starfleet is the right decision in light of recent events, but it does not matter as long as I am with you.

 

If you would rather be my subordinate than my superior on paper at least, I defer to your judgment. However, if you only want this arrangement out of some misplaced sense of guilt, that is unnecessary. We were both manipulated into doing what we did. Stacy Cruz had a personal grudge against both of us because he blamed us for the loss of his lover. He used what he knew about our emotional issues to get us to act in a way that was most advantageous to his own goals which apparently involved our deaths.

 

I am starting to be able to make peace with that. I don’t regret all of my choices because we did save the lives of an entire planet. I just wish that I did not almost lose you. But I have you now and I will follow you to the end of the universe, My Th’y’la.

To be continued


	34. What do you want?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody for all your encouragement last round. I love all your reviews and kudos. Remember reviews make me more likely to wake up at 5 AM to write.
> 
> The end is near. No more than five more chapters. Probably less than that. It all depends on how prolific I am.
> 
> Sorry this took so long. My day job is even encroaching upon my weekend writing time. So not fair. Also, if I want clean clothes, I have to do laundry. Then my mom slipped and fell and had to have surgery and real life in general just hates me. I’m not going to promise that I’ll do better because life just keeps getting in the way. (Now I am having serious issues upgrading my voice recognition software.)

Nyota was exhausted and doesn't know why she thought she could handle moving right now. Her body is still recovering from the incident (she doesn’t even like to refer to it as the M word in her mind, not yet). Moving halfway across the country really doesn't count as resting even if they had a team of movers to do most of the packing and later unpacking for her, not that she had a lot to pack. The joys of the nomadic Starfleet lifestyle.

 

Running into her mother this morning before hopping on the shuttle to UF Georgia made it even less relaxing, if such a thing were possible. Familiar confrontations will do that to a person. She doesn’t want to remember the long uncomfortable conversation where both parties just agree to disagree for the sake of not getting in a shouting match in public.

 

She was not ready to forgive or forget about years of emotional neglect, just because of a few grand gestures such as most likely arranging for her UF Georgia detail. She’s sure her mom was involved because why else would she know when her shuttle was departing? The relocation was pretty much a closely held secret. She was barely allowed to tell Jim about the relocation.

 

Do the people responsible for this grand fuck up of the Federation really think killing her will keep their dirty little secrets from getting exposed? It’s too late at this point.

 

 At least Leonard will now be less than an hour away from his daughter. UF Georgia was located about 45 minutes outside Atlanta proper. Shawn said he could do wonders with that. More importantly she won’t be spending the next six months in a long-distance relationship, a very long-distance relationship. She was sure if she didn’t get assigned to the University, she probably would’ve been assigned to some ship in the neutral zone until Enterprise was running again.

 

They are actually in a house, a real house with an old-fashioned 21st-century kitchen. The place doesn’t even have a replicator. The four bedroom and 2 ½ bathroom house was furnished, which was nice because as soon as she walked into the door. She essentially collapsed on the couch as she watched other people unpack for her.

 

"Do you want something to eat? I think our guide told us that the fridge was fully stocked." Leonard asked her as soon as the movers were gone.

 

"Yes, but that would require cooking." And getting off the couch and she just couldn’t do that.

 

"We do have cafeteria privileges. Do you want to see if it’s better than the schlock they serve at the Academy?" ‘That wouldn’t be hard because she is convinced it’s purposely awful, just so that they would learn to appreciate replicator food better.

 

"No, just no. First, that would require us to leave and go on campus. Second of all, while I am sure it’s better than anything they’ve ever served outside of a diplomatic reception, I’m not consuming cafeteria food again until it’s absolutely necessary."

 

"Which means not until your first day of classes." Leonard joked

 

"Which don’t actually start until the second week of August for me.” That’s another reason why she thinks this is all a setup. If this was just a normal reassignment, it would be perfectly okay for her to stay in San Francisco until classes actually started (although, she wouldn’t because Leonard was starting working in the medical school immediately). Instead, she’s being moved out to Georgia a month early, to a house that definitely is not standard issue Starfleet housing. They have a hot tub. A hot tub!

 

“I’m supposed to have a few meetings next week that may take place at the cafeteria, but I’ll try to avoid actually eating. Let’s order a pizza. It’s a college town. All college towns have good pizza."

 

“I will take care of it.” Leonard kissed her on the cheek. “As soon as things are settled, you’re eating home cooking again.” Leonard then leaves her to find his communicator to place an order. He refuses to carry it on him when he’s not on duty.

 

Nyota almost considers going to the bedroom to unpack her toiletry bag (because that’s the one thing she wouldn’t let the movers touch). Instead she goes to the bedroom to collapse on the very comfortable bed.

 

She does check her email after a few minutes. Carol said hi from her undisclosed location. Nyota is sure they sent her to the Vulcan colony. Her comment about teaching human-phobic brats who are not used to having a live instructor pretty much confirms that. Thankfully, not all of her students are that condescending and Carol said she likes being somewhere that doesn’t remind her of watching her father’s neck snapped in front of her.

 

Nyota’s mom wants to know how she’s adjusting to their new duty assignment. The woman really should have waited at least a full 24 hours to actually send that type of email, but it does confirm the fact that her parents set this all up.

 

She’s halfway tempted to call Pike and demand that the woman give her a different assignment. But she doesn’t want to be away from Leonard and she doesn’t want to take Leonard from here. He has a meeting with she who will not be named and the lawyers in two days for mediation. That could not happen if they were somewhere else. As much as she hated taking anything from people who were never there for her growing up, Leonard’s daughter deserved better.

 

Dr. Margarita sent a similar email, but it was less self-serving and Nyota actually bothered to reply to her. It was an ‘everything will be good once I get some sleep’ email, but it was still a response.

 

Finally, at the bottom of the pile was an email from Jim and apparently Spock finally got him to get a new email address that did not contain profanity.

xxxxxxx

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk

To: UhuraNX

Time sent: 7/6/2259 9:19: 45

Subject: Thank you for your latest batch of chocolate gifts.

 

I would encourage you to break Chan’s orders, but if by some miracle they keep me in charge of Enterprise, I would hate to encourage your insubordination. I always assume that you being insubordinate would be dangerous.

 

I get why you didn’t tell us, but it’s not like if we knew we would have completely ruined our honeymoon just to come back. Okay, we wouldn’t have ruined our honeymoon because at that point in time we weren’t allowed to do anything, but hold hands naked which is slightly dirtier when your husband is a Vulcan, but still.

 

You still could have sent something like ‘Hey, I’m okay. Don’t believe anything that you accidentally see on the news streams’. Be thankful that I was too busy doing other stuff to actually check the news and by other stuff I mean waterslides. Seriously, why couldn’t your boyfriend get rid of the stupid ‘no sex’ rule days ago?”

 

Reports about the grand Starfleet conspiracies are everywhere, even here at a hotel that’s dedicated to reading things in hard copy. Poor Jane Barnett. I would not want to be the official Starfleet spokeswoman right now. Although apparently she’s doing her job well because there are no mentions of anything Yu did anywhere. Which is probably a good thing because I know you don’t want to talk about that. I know you don’t want anyone else to know.

 

Thank you for the gift. I would tell you about Spock licking it off my stomach, but maybe that’s too many details. We also managed to break a table and a bed. Also thank you for being tasteful and not sending vibrators like some people who will remain nameless.

 

So how is UF Georgia? Is the campus actually in Atlanta or one of the suburbs? I should probably look that up, but I have better things to do like my husband. Unless I am sitting around waiting to be switched to a different room because we broke the bed. Vulcan strength and headboards are a really bad combination. Okay, reinforced handcuffs, Vulcan strength, and headboards are a really bad combination.

 

Did they give you a decent apartment or are you in student housing? I don’t think I could take ever living around freshmen again. When do you actually start classes? Are you going to be teaching anything or will you actually be just studying?

 

XXXXXX

From: UhuraNX

To: Jim_Spock-Kirk

Time saved: 7/6/2259 21:05:32

Subject: re: Thank you for your latest batch of chocolate gifts.

 

Vast quantities of independent study with some teaching that will begin when this new semester starts. I hope no freshmen will be involved, but I won’t know specifics for at least a week.

 

Maybe I should’ve specified no details at all about your sexual exploits with your husband. You two managed to break a bed and a table? How is that even possible? Don’t answer that question. I know what you were doing. I’m pretty sure Leonard only gave you permission to do stuff like that if you two took it easy. Breaking furniture is not taking it easy. Just lay down and let Spock control things. He’s good at it.

 

We arrived a couple of hours ago, so I haven’t had time to explore yet. I haven’t even bothered to unpack my stuff and Leonard is ordering pizza because neither one of us wants to leave the property. We are in guest professor housing which means no teenage suite mates and decent furniture. Actually we are in a real house. It’s this beautiful white tiny replicated antebellum house with a vintage 21st-century kitchen and a rose garden. It’s much nicer than the University housing that I had to live in when my grandmother did a year at UF Princeton. That was a shoebox of an apartment.

 

Not only did we come into a house that was fully furnished, the fridge was completely filled with real food. The place doesn’t even have a replicator. I like that right now. Also I’m pretty sure this is the first house I’ve ever lived in. Our guide said that there was a farmer’s market a couple of blocks from here. Maybe I will pick some stuff up tomorrow for when Shawn comes over the next day.

 

We are meeting with she who will not be named for mediation or rather Leonard is meeting with her and I think I’m going to be just sitting in the hallway for support. But I guess I owe him that, considering he’s been with me through everything these last couple of weeks, including the Yu catastrophe making the news cycle.

 

The only reason why you didn’t see the thing plastered everywhere is Jane Barnett really is that good. She managed to convince everybody that the reports of the Starfleet nurse feeding fertility drugs to her crush’s girlfriend and then causing her to abort the fetus was merely hearsay. That is sort of true, the second part of the rumor anyway. My OB/GYN said that there was no logical explanation for why I misc-- why it happened. Yu doing what they accused her of would actually be an explanation.

 

I don’t know if it would be better or worse, knowing that there was a reason for what happened. I guess it’s better not knowing when the explanation is somebody deliberately harming you because they are a crazy spiteful bitch even if that is the entire reason why sometimes you feel like your heart’s been pulled out of your chest in the first place. I’m just grateful that Jane managed to suppress the media speculation as well as the identity of the person Yu supposedly attacked. Let’s just say the best thing about being here at UF Georgia is nobody is giving me pitying looks because they just don’t know. That’s refreshing.

 

Are you actually shopping for gifts or are you just going to grab stuff randomly from the gift shop when Spock is checking out? I better get something nice from the ocean for putting up with you so much. At the very least, I want cheesecake from your favorite bakery in Iowa. When are you leaving to go back home?

 

I’m just going to ask this question instead of continuing to ramble about presents. Do you still want to actually be a Starfleet Captain? I mean, really after everything that happened, including almost dying due to Admiralty meddling, do you still want to be here?

 

I’m detecting some ambivalence here and I don’t think it’s all related to your own personal self-doubt. I think you’re doubting the mission more than you’re telling yourself and that’s understandable considering recent events have showed us that the Starfleet we work for is not the Starfleet we signed up for.

 

These last couple of days, I even asked myself that question. It would be so easy for me to take a university position like my grandmother. Most universities would pay a small fortune for somebody who is practically fluent in Romulan and just a little rusty in Klingon.

 

But I don’t want to leave, not yet. I still want to be in Starfleet, even though it’s not the Starfleet it’s supposed to be. I want to be on the front lines of discovering new languages and cultures. I want to make this the Starfleet it’s supposed to be. This ideal that we had of a peacekeeping exploratory organization, not this militarized monstrosity that we became because of our fear.

 

Maybe someday I will settle down to a University job with a husband and 1.3 kids, but not right now. Don’t get me wrong, I want that someday. I didn’t even realize I wanted that until I lost it without even realizing I had it. Someday, I’m going to get pregnant again and it will be the most well-planned pregnancy ever. I will take every prenatal vitamin in creation and give up things like unpasteurized cheese to make sure that this time I at least get to hold my baby in my arms.

 

XXXXXXX

She doesn’t press the send button. She just looks that the PADD shocked that she even said that out loud. There are hot tears falling down her cheeks, but she doesn’t move to delete what she just wrote because it’s true, all of it.

 

"Why are you crying?" Leonard asked her as he came in carrying paper plates, pizza, and a salad. Of course he remembers to order a salad or maybe he made one. Who knows what was in their complementary full fridge of groceries.

 

"I was writing to Jim." She logs out of the email program, so he can’t see her rant about their bad bedroom practices. She knows Leonard will be upset that they ignored his orders.

 

"While Jim has been known to make me cry, usually these are tears of frustration, mostly when he almost gets himself killed and then refuses to stay in my sickbay longer than the bare minimum." He quipped as he sat down next to her.

 

“Have you ever started dictating and accidentally said something that you didn’t even realize was true until you said it out loud?” She said opening the box of pizza. The scent of melted cheese instantly hit her.

 

“A few times.” He said grabbing a slice of Parmesan artichoke.[UR1] 

 

"I just realized that I want to get pregnant again." She just happened to say that as Leonard took a bite resulting in him nearly choking.

 

"Now, as a doctor I have to say that’s not…" He started to say once he recovered from nearly choking.

 

“Recommended.” Nyota finished the thought for him. "I did read all the data files from the doctor’s office twice. I’m not even allowed to have sex for another two weeks."

 

"Three at least, and not until your new OB/GYN and Dr. Margarita say that you are ready for it, physically and psychologically.” She wanted to complain about that, but she just accepts that this is just one of those things that happens when you’re dating a doctor.

 

“Don’t choke on your pizza again. I mean that in the abstract sort of sense.”

 

“Most people want that,” Leonard said taking a drink of water.

 

“I’ve never been most people. After what my parents put me through, I was so adamant about never ever having children because I didn’t want to put them through what I went through. But now I think at some point when we are-- I mean, when I’m ready, I would like to be a mom someday.”

 

"That attitude right there makes you more qualified for motherhood then my ex-wife. She’s trying to get out of mediation." That explains the mumble screaming she heard earlier.

 

"That’s not happening. Did you call the lawyers?"

 

"Shawn is taking care of it. Eat your pizza and your salad."

 

“Yes doctor.” She said cheekily, just before shoving a large amount of spinach into her mouth.

 

She doesn’t realize until the next day that she never actually set her reply to Jim. It doesn’t matter because he responds anyway. Seriously she needs to get him to fix his special little program.

 

XXX

From: Jim_Spock-. Kirk

To: UhuraNX

Time sent: 7/7/2259 15:23:18

Subject: Re: Thank you for your latest batch of chocolate gifts.

 

If Bones is reading this over your shoulder, please let him know we are not grossly violating his orders. The headboard was already cracked and Spock is strong and was trying not to give me any more bruises and I’m just going to leave it here. It was a total accident.

 

I’m glad you will not be stuck living with freshmen and I hope that you will not be stuck teaching freshmen. Living in houses is overrated. I lived in a house as a kid, but it was never home.

 

Home is Enterprise or maybe home is wherever Spock is. I’m not sure, but it’s definitely not Iowa. Even when I was a child, the Iowa house was never home. Home was the Suarez house where Dr. Alayna always had fresh cookies ready after every session. Okay, usually they were for during sessions, especially when I had to talk about the Frank related shit. Frank related conversations always require extra chocolate.

 

I saw the Iowa farmhouse as the embodiment of all bad things. That’s where most of the Frank stuff happened and I am not providing any more details. Let’s just say I am definitely going to be lobbying to bulldoze that place when we get to Iowa. Thank you for making me cry on vacation.

 

We are leaving the Ocean Reading Room tomorrow, but we won’t be arriving in Iowa for a few days. We are going to drive so we can do some sightseeing along the way. Spock wants to spend one day camping in the desert because that’s as close as I can get him to going back home. Besides, I want a few more days to figure out how to handle all things Winona.

 

You know she’s going to be pissed that we got married without her even though she’s institutionalized. I don’t even know if she knows about the wedding. That’s going to be such a fun conversation. I hope Kevin told her, but I doubt it.

 

You’re not the only one who has been thinking about if they want to stay in Starfleet. After everything that’s happened, the answer is yes. But as for the question regarding if I want to still be a captain, I don’t know.

 

I never felt like I should been given the Captain’s chair in the first place. It was a publicity stunt. You know it, I know it, and Spock knows it. No 25-year-old straight out of the Academy, no matter how skilled they are, should be made a captain after one mission even if that mission saved an entire world.

 

The only reason why it took me a year until I managed to completely fuck up was that I had Spock to keep me from doing the really stupid stuff, like lying about breaking the prime directive. Without Spock’s influence, I totally would have did that and I would’ve suffered more than just being knocked down to commander.

 

Maybe in five years, I will be ready to sit in the chair. I’m more ready now than I was last year, but honestly, I think I’d rather be first officer. I’ve told Spock this a few times, but it was decided by mutual agreement that we would let the Admiralty decide.

 

The truth of the matter is it doesn’t matter what I want. It’s what they want and I’m not sure what that is. Do they still need the Kelvin baby as their poster child? I think they are going to feel so bad about me nearly dying because of the recent Starfleet coup d’état that they’re going to try to make things up to me. I don’t know if I want that. I want to earn my place, not merely have it be given to me for the sake of political expediency.

 

I’m considering other options. Okay we are considering other options. Because when you’re married there really isn’t an “I” anymore. Not the 1.3 children white picket fence option, but academic jobs on new Vulcan. Rather, Spock gets an academic teaching job on the colony and I work on my doctorates. I think my mom would probably prefer Dr. Kirk over Captain Kirk and I’m starting to think I will to.

 

For your information, I’m not procrastinating and waiting until checkout although that’s mostly because I needed to do something when they were fixing the bed situation. I picked you up a couple of poetry books from the reading room’s bookstore. Real books made of paper with spines and everything. See much better than randomly grabbing T-shirts during our last five minutes.

 

They are being shipped to you, but it will take a little while because I have to ship them to Nhi first and then she will send them to you because she doesn’t want me to give me your exact address. I know you’re at UF Georgia. Seriously, how many guests houses do they care? I would’ve figured it out eventually. I would say that she is being extremely paranoid, but it’s not paranoia when everyone is really out to get you.

 

I also included a couple of T-shirts for Bones and Baby Bones along with some other trinkets. Okay, there’s a lot of candy in there, but I think Bones will need it after spending quality time with the axe. I mean ex.

 

Let me know how the mediation goes. Actually, let me know where I should have the container of whiskey delivered to when the ex-wife makes the whole thing as disastrous as possible. Meetings with the ex always turn Bones into an emotional wreck. Just be prepared. Some people should not have children, but you’re not one of them.

 

I’m happy you’re no longer in the ‘Hell no, I am never having children’ camp. Since I’m never going to have any due to my sperm getting fried to a crisp during the incident, I’m going to have to borrow yours or Kevin’s. Here’s hoping that he actually gets his shit together and actually tells Simmons what he’s thinking before he accidentally knocks up some random girl because he screws up the contraception.

 

So even though I’m not allowed to do anything Starfleet related to the point where Spock threw my work PADD out a window (yes, really), I sort of broke into my work account. I wanted to get all the dirty details about the attempt to destroy the evidence in Marcus’ old house. Nothing was there because somebody was smart enough to take me off of the Operations Center alerts. However, there was this really long confession from Kevin about his Simmons feelings. Don’t worry, I’m working on something.

 

Anyway, good luck with she who will not be named. I’ll try to write again before we arrive in Iowa, but the Internet is always sketchy in the middle of nowhere on commercial PADDs. That’s another reason why I’m pissed at Spock for throwing my work PADD away. That sucker works everywhere as long as the weather is good.

 

XXXXX

From: UhuraNX

To: Jim_Spock-Kirk

Time sent: 7/8/2259 21:59:29

Subject: Thank you for your latest batch of chocolate gifts.

 

I don’t even want to know what you’re planning. Although I’m sure it’s something along the lines of sending private emails to people who should not be reading them. Seriously fix my account. I was going to send that message to you eventually as soon as I deleted the last paragraph or two. I just kind of fell asleep after pizza and a foot massage.

 

I’m not surprised at all that your brother is as oblivious as you were. If it wasn’t for me, you would still be dancing around Spock. Actually, you would probably assume that we were still together until-- actually you thought we were together until you caught me making out with Leonard and then you accused me of being a lying, cheating whore. You should be glad I’m so forgiving.

 

If you don’t want to be a captain anymore and you really would rather Spock have that job, then say so. Don’t let other people make decisions for you. Go after what you want. Actually, I think that’s an overall problem with you. You’re so used to not getting what you want that you never actually go after it. Well, except for passing the Kobayashi Maru and I still don’t know why you tried so hard in that instance. Maybe you need to treat more things in life like that. If you really want something to happen, it’s never impossible.

 

So the meeting with the battle axe really was that awful, but Leonard is not allowing himself to drink right now. Neither one of us is drinking at the moment because we are still trying to deal with what happened without giving into self-medication.

 

However, there was an all-you-can-eat buffet involved. I ate fried mozzarella sticks and french fries at the same time. Actually, Leonard did that. Junk food was required after the emotional nightmare that is spending time with his ex-wife

 

This disaster session began with her trying to seduce Shawn like she did Leonard’s last lawyer, but failing miserably because he is level 6 gay. It just went downhill from there. After that she made a really big deal about Leonard and me living together and asked that I be part of the proceedings because she didn’t want her little girl living with Leonard’s flavor of the week unless the court scrutinized me as well. Then she calls me a slut during mediation and she doesn’t even bother to use coded language.

 

Then she goes for the jugular by mentioning the pregnancy. The bitch is friends with one of Yu’s lawyers (they went to law school together) which is how she found out about it in the first place. She just had to make a big deal about Leonard knocking up his new girlfriend during the proceedings. That is when I realized why she asked for me to be present during the mediation.

 

Of course, it backfired because the judge overseeing mediation also suffered a miscarriage once upon a time and was not amused with her little stunt. Nor was she amused with the woman being familiar with nonpublic information about a serious ongoing investigation. The judge also said something along the lines of a relationship lasting 10 months not being a mere hook up. The judge also said that she saw me as a great influence on Leonard and thought I would make a good co-parent. Anyway she granted us temporary visitation rights until they get something more permanent in place. That led to a certain show down in the parking lot that led to eating vast quantities of junk food afterwards.

 

Despite the epic tantrum that she threw in the parking lot, we are spending next Saturday at an amusement park with JoJo. We’re trying to decide between Cedar Point of Georgia and Disneyland of Georgia. Why did Cedar Fair and Disney take over all amusement parks on earth? So despite the fact that his ex-wife called me a slut during the hearing to my face and said worse things to me afterwards, we survived.

 

How did Spock successfully manage to talk you into camping in the desert? I thought you would never agree to that after the cave incident two months ago.

 

XXXXXX

 

'Because he told me that actual tents would be involved and he may have been giving me a hand job at the time.' Jim mumbled to himself as he placed his PADD on the ground next to him. For the first time since their hike out in to the desert, he was able to get enough of a signal to check his email. Just enough that the emails were pushed to his device, but not enough to make reservations at the nearest decent hotel. Yes, he’s dealt with worse than this including the aforementioned cave incident, but he’s on vacation.

 

"I did not specify tents. I said that we would be protected from the elements and would have sleeping bags. Our campsite is protected by a force field that will keep all predatory animals and bugs away from our site." Spock replied. Stupid Vulcan hearing.

 

"You and your exact words will be the death of me." Jim sighed.

 

"I have dealt with your death. Once. I do not wish to deal with it again." Spock said seriously.

 

Jim just lays his head down on his pillow and looks up at the stars. There was no light pollution out here, therefore Jim gets a clear view.

 

“Do you think that she’s right?" Jim asked, knowing for a fact that Spock was reading over his shoulder the entire time.

 

"About what?"

 

"That I’m afraid to go after what I want. I mean, you kissed me the first time." And then I completely freaked out.

 

"You were the one who proposed."

 

"After Suarez gave me Alayna’s family engagement ring. That was kind of the push I needed and I did it in an email." Jim sighed.

 

"I enjoy your emails."

 

"Because I actually tell you what I want in my emails, what I’m actually thinking."

 

"What are you thinking?" Spock leaned over, so they were now looking up together.

 

"That Nyota is right. I’ve resigned myself to the idiots that be taking the Captain’s chair away from me because I don’t really want it anymore. I think it’s easier for me to accept the powers that be taking it away from me than realizing that I don’t want it, not like I should.” He just really wants to be in the stars.

 

“I wasn’t even mad that they demoted me. I was upset that they put you on another ship. That’s what I cared about. That’s what I still care about. I just want to spend the rest of my life exploring the universe with you. I don’t give a fuck about anything else." Spock kisses him at that moment.

 

"Contrary to your self-doubt, you are an excellent leader."

 

"Maybe, but maybe I’m not ready for it. Not yet. In the other timeline I was out of the Academy for at least a decade before I got the chair. I wasn’t even out 10 minutes this time around. There’s only so much you can learn in training modules. These last couple weeks have taught me that there’s so much I don’t know."

 

"What you want to do?"

 

“Arrive at Iowa to deal with the Winona situation and then schedule a meeting with Chan to discuss a lot of things from helping Kevin and Simmons get their act together to what my future role in Starfleet should be."

 

"What are you planning?" Spock was giving him his ‘I don’t trust you at all right now’ look.

 

"Nothing.” Yet, because there’s not a strong enough signal out here to actually send an email to anyone.

 

"I do not believe you."

 

"Did you pack condoms?" Jim said changing the subject to one he knew would instantly distract Spock.

 

"Of course."

 

"Good we can try sleeping bag sex.” He said before crawling over to join Spock in his sleeping bag.

 

Good news, they both could fit in one sleeping bag. However, both bags will need to be dry cleaned because they didn’t think about Spock wearing condoms too until it was too late.

 

XXXX

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk

To: UhuraNX

Time sent: 7/10/2259 9:39:23

Subject: Greetings from the middle of nowhere

 

Because Spock is really ‘persuasive’ and I thought we may have tents, portable toilets, and sleeping bags this time. We did have sleeping bags and the special toilet, but no tent. Spock wanted to sleep under the stars. I am willing to admit that outdoor sex is much better when there are sleeping bags and proper supplies for such activities. Although, I have sand in places that I just don’t want to talk about. Okay, I have cactus needles in places I don’t want to talk about.

 

I’m not surprised that she who will not be named did that. There’s a reason why I recommended Shawn. I am well aware that using her connections was how she managed to handpick a judge that would give her whatever she wanted because she lied the entire time. (I wouldn’t be that surprised if she fucked the judge too). Leonard does drink, but he’s never been a crazy abusive alcoholic. Trust me I know the difference. I was raised by two separate alcoholics, one was abusive and the other was just self-medicating.

 

It seems like this judge will actually look at the evidence and see that Leonard at least deserves to talk to his daughter more often than birthdays and holidays. Actually maybe she will just make sure that those phone calls are enforced. You remember how bad it was last time when he wasn’t allowed to talk to JoJo on her birthday. That was awful.

 

Go to Disneyland. Since Disney pretty much owns every single comic book character ever made thanks to the merger with Warner Brothers, you might as well go there. I mean, where else can you have breakfast with Mickey, Darth Vader, Batman and Bugs Bunny? She will love that.

 

You made some good points and Spock seconds your good points because that’s who he is. He’s so logical. I’m meeting with Chan when we get back from my dysfunctional family tour. First of all, to convince her to allow Kevin to still do an internship in her office. He just gave up that opportunity to come to Iowa to deal with Winona again. Maybe it’s also a good time to talk about what I really want.

 

Send pictures from Disneyland of Georgia and promise me you’ll get Bones on at least one roller coaster. He hates the things.

 

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk

To: Simmons-ChanEX

Time sent: 7/6/2259 9:54:15

 

Subject: Greetings from the middle of nowhere

 

Thank you for the wedding present. You can never go wrong with gift cards for the Chocolate Factory. So Kevin tells me that you’re not speaking to him. I also got him to admit most likely because he was being a dick. I cannot blame you myself. If I didn’t act like the big man on campus, he probably wouldn’t be trying to follow in my fake footsteps. Trust me, I never fucked around with that many people, everyone just thinks I did including Kevin.

 

The honeymoon portion of this trip was good. And now we’re making our way to the dysfunctional family portion of the trip. However, we stopped for camping first. Seeing Spock commune with the desert is always entertaining. He definitely feels more comfortable among the rocks than anywhere else.

 

Kevin is coming out to help with the Winona stuff instead of doing his internship with your mom like he was supposed to, probably to avoid you. I mean, the only thing he can do here is wait and I don’t like that. So I’m going to fix it. Read below.

 

I deleted the PS directed at me because Spock will cut me off completely if I forward that to someone else and I’m enjoying married life so far. However, everything else in the letter was exactly how Kevin wrote it.

 

PS: So I have no idea what to get you, but I figure I owe you a T-shirt or something, especially because of what you’re about to read.

 

From: KirkKR

To: KirkJT

Time sent: 7/03/2259 23:47:39

Subject:

  
I’m sending this to your work email because I don’t want you to see this until after you’re done with your happy honeymoon, but I need to write it out now. Besides, this way you won’t read this until I’m already with you dealing with the Winona situation. I should be done with all my finals by the eighth. I hate finals week.

 

Seriously Jim, why did you not forward this to me when I was being a complete dick about you and Spock getting together? This may have helped me get over it faster.

 

Reading this also made me realize there’s a lot of things that you don’t talk to me about. I was there and I don’t think we ever talked about how you felt when you found out about Sam being murdered on Tarsus. I guess that’s one of our problems. We don’t talk about things and maybe I am afraid to talk about this stuff and you don’t want to push me away by forcing the issue. I don’t know.

 

Okay I don’t know if that’s the case with us, but I’m sure it’s the case with Liz. I think you said it best in your letter with this line “I don’t want to risk the possibility of us not having that life altering friendship for a temporary sexual relationship.” 

 

I may not have been there for the Frank disaster, but I watched Dr. Suarez bury her wife and Pike spread her husband’s ashes even if I wasn’t literally invited to the party, probably because I was being a dick to you at the time. I’ve never seen a relationship that ended happily ever after. Maybe people are happy for a moment, but eventually the relationship will fall apart.

 

By the way, I know more about the Gary incident than I ever wanted to. If I ever see him again. I’m going to knock him out.

 

So with all those bad examples, I’m going to be afraid to tell Liz everything she means to me because she’s going to leave eventually. Everybody does.

To be continued

 


	35. Did you have to send me that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. I’m sorry this update took a while. The good news is my mom got out of the rehab center on October 20. I was also able to visit with her for a few days at the end of October. However, that meant one less weekend of writing, but I think it was a fair trade.
> 
>  
> 
> The timestamp on the last letter to Simmons was slightly incorrect. That letter was sent on July 10 not July 6. That was a copying and pasting mistake that I did not catch until I went back to see what the next timestamp should be. Letters going forward will be based on the correct timestamp. All timestamps in this chapter will be Iowa time.

 

XXXXXXX

From: Simmons-ChanEX

 

To: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

Time sent: 7/10/2259 22:39:23

 

Subject: Did you have to send me that

You are a prick!

 

I am well aware that you and your brother have the emotional maturity of toddlers. Yet, I really wasn’t expecting you to send me something he sent you in confidence. What were you thinking? Do you have any sense of privacy whatsoever?

 

You are an asshole. Seriously, what were you thinking sending me that? Does he actually feel that way? If he does, he has a really horrible way of showing it. I never want to hear about one of his conquests ever again.

 

xxxxx

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

To: Simmons-ChanEX

 

Time sent: 7/11/2259 9:12:32

 

Subject: Re: Did you have to send me that

 

You said it yourself. We have the emotional maturity of toddlers. So of course he’s not going to tell you what’s going on and keep fucking around with other people because he’s too scared to tell you the truth.

 

I kind of think that he’s been in love with you since he hit puberty. Maybe before. Besides mom, you’re the only person from the incident that he talks about. Honestly, Kevin’s only good memories from that time revolve around you.

 

He was never going to tell you because he doesn’t think he’s worthy of you and he’s half convinced that all relationships are going to end in tears, blood and/or disaster. Apparently this was why he had so many issues with me getting married. He has yet to realize that I’m a big boy and I’m going to deal with my issues on my own terms. If I end up crying over divorce papers in five years, that will be my own damn fault.

 

Are you mad at me because I showed for a fact that Kevin is kind of in love with you, but absolutely terrified of screwing things up or are you mad that now you have to deal with the fact that your best friend is in love with you and you don’t feel that way? I think it’s the former rather than the latter. You wouldn’t be so angry right now if there wasn’t something there.

XXXXXXXXXXX

From: Simmons-ChanEX

 

To: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

Time sent: 7/11/2259 18:23:39

 

Subject: Re: Did you have to send me that

You’re still a dick. It’s obvious that you love your brother, but you’re still a dick. Again, this isn’t how you tell people things, even if that’s how you do things with your husband. Kevin left me a voicemail about that. I think that was number 12.

Seriously, I do not need this during finals. Thank God they’re almost over.

 

Since I am still not talking to your idiot brother, how is your mom doing? I know you’re supposed to be on your way there post-honeymoon.

 

XXXXXXX

Jim placed the PADD down beside his almost done omelet. Thanks to Spock, he was checking his email a lot less than normal. It wasn’t because the Vulcan imposed some sort of rule, but well, he was just too occupied. When they arrived to the hotel last night, Jim may have been more interested in jumping his husband then checking his PADD. That was a good thing and it wasn’t like there were a ton of messages because only about three people even had this email address, Nyota was probably busy, and he really did not want to read any of the emails from his mother’s doctors.

 

Spock was glaring at him at the moment because he was taking way too much time with his omelet, an omelet that happened to be named after him. 

 

"I’m just enjoying my omelet." Because I don’t want to spend quality time with my mother since things really are that screwed up. Even though that’s the entire reason why we’re in Iowa right now.

 

“You have been consuming your entrée for 32.7 minutes. Normally, it only takes you 12.3 minutes to eat an omelet. It is quite evident that you are procrastinating." Spock said as he finished his tea.

 

"You know exactly how long it takes me to eat something? I don’t know whether to find that adorable or creepy." He was leaning towards adorable, mostly because Spock was currently dressed in extremely tight blue jeans. Of course his husband refused to wear anything slightly baggy. That would just be inappropriate.

 

"We consume 78.3% of our meals together. It is only logical that I would obtain enough data to determine average times. It is obvious to me that you are delaying in an effort to avoid our 9:30 AM meeting with Winona’s new psychiatrist, Dr. Alecia Caraballo. "

 

Alecia was Dr. Suarez’s oldest niece who happened to totally follow in her psychologist footsteps. She was young, but experienced and was up to dealing with a Winona situation a.k.a. she was an expert in substance abuse and PTSD. Better than her other doctor; the guy could deal with the bipolar, but the alcoholism always threw him off. Despite this, Jim was uncomfortable meeting with her because he really didn’t want the woman to tell them how hopeless the Winona situation really is.

 

Winona was a weird alcoholic where she could go years stone cold sober and then completely fall off the wagon in the most spectacular way possible which usually involved alcohol poisoning and a 72 hour hold. Or maybe she was a normal one in that regard. Maybe Frank’s abusive constant alcoholism was the outlier or maybe there’s no such thing as normal when it comes to addiction.

 

"It’s a really good omelet. I’m savoring.” Spock give two eyebrow raises and that oh so perfect Spock scalp. He is not buying this for a moment.

 

"Okay maybe I am dragging my feet. I just..." Do not want to be dealing with this right now.

 

"You’re afraid?" Spock asked, knowing him way too well.

 

"Maybe. I don’t know what I’m going to get when I see her. Is she going to be happy that I survived or mad that I did? Am I going to have to listen to a litany of ‘I told you Starfleet was going to kill you’?"

 

"I doubt that she would be upset about you being alive."

 

“Even if we end up married for 100 years, I don’t think you will understand my relationship with Winona. It’s just so complicated. It was complicated even before everything recently." Such as her near suicide via alcohol poisoning.

 

"Because of you joining Starfleet?" Spock suggested.

 

"Yes, in addition to being born seconds before her husband died, she also sees me as the reason why Kevin joined as well. Although he is on the diplomatic track, so maybe that would make her hate us just a little less when she realizes he’s less likely to get blown up. Winona dislikes Starfleet in general." Spock gives him another one of those looks.

 

"Okay, she hates Starfleet with a fiery passion. She blames the organization for dad and Sam’s death. Also, I think that might be why she is a little against our relationship. Seriously, I’m in Starfleet. How am I going to meet someone who’s not Starfleet? Especially with my baggage. I’m just getting to the point where I can come without being drunk out of my mind."

 

“I am quite pleased with that."

 

"Me too, because it happened three times last night." Which was slightly unusual because his refractory period was nowhere near that good or at least it wasn’t before dying. Now he can actually keep up with his husband. Jim almost wonders if this is some weird side effect of the magical mystery blood.

 

"If she disliked the organization so much, why did she stay in after your father’s death?"

 

"Starfleet took years to acknowledge their culpability in the Kelvin fiasco. She had two kids to keep fed, but she got the hell out of there after the Tarsus fuck up. You read the files. It was an absolute cluster fuck. People died for the sake of fucking regulations. The people who wrote that shit didn’t care about anything other than their precious little rules and efficiency. They never looked at the human cost. I don’t think I can be that type of Captain. I don’t want to be that type of Captain.” Violating the prime directive was wrong intellectually, but at least the inhabitants of that planet were still alive.

 

"You think I can?"

 

"You do love your rules, but if things were reversed and I was the one in the volcano, you would have screwed the prime directive too." Because deep down, Spock was just that type of Vulcan.

 

"There is a 98% probability of that occurring." Jim smiled at his husband.

 

"However, I think you would’ve found a different way. Maybe, if you were in charge you would have said no. I mean, you bat your eyelashes at me and I’m putty in your hands."

 

"We both made mistakes, but we are both here." Spock strokes his hand. Okay, it’s a complete Vulcan make out session, but it’s nice. Comforting even. But he needs more, which is why Jim leaned over and kissed him on the mouth.

 

“You know that we’re going to have to tell her that we are married, especially if I do this a lot in front of her.” Jim smirked pulling out of the kiss. “She’s going to be furious. She will be predicting doom and gloom for our relationship because we couldn’t wait long enough for her to get out of the hospital to say our vows."

 

"Entirely due to legal implications."

 

"That’s going to make it worse. She was already unhappy before with us getting married. Can we just go back to San Francisco now?" Yes, he was afraid of dealing with his mother. This is totally normal.

 

"No. However, I will be with you the entire time.” Spock grabs his hand again and starts sending him reassuring thoughts through their bond. He could feel Spock’s calm wash over him. It felt good.

 

"Okay, I can do this. I can deal with my mother like a grown-up." And if Jim repeats that enough, he will believe it.

 

"Yes."

 

"Even though I’m nauseous.” Jim said in all seriousness. Maybe he should’ve gone with toast. “Although the fact that I’m telling you this in person and not in letters that we sort of know the other person will see, but not really points to extreme progress."

 

"For us, yes." Spock leans over and kisses him again. Okay, it’s the type of kiss that makes everybody in the restaurant stare including the woman three tables over who is literally clutching her pearls. Probably a human supremacist.

 

"Okay, I’m as ready as I’ll ever be. Let’s go see Dr. Caraballo and then get yelled at by my mom. Then we will go to the house where bad things happened to see if it’s salvageable or if I can finally get my wish to burn the sucker down." Or take a wrecking ball to it. Jim’s not picky.

 

"We could always stop for a lighter and accelerant on the way there." Spock says this so dryly that Jim is not even sure he’s joking.

 

"But then we wouldn’t get the insurance money."

 

"Your emotional wellbeing is more important than the insurance money."

 

"Such a good husband." He kisses Spock one more time before asking for the check. They managed to get to the mental health rehab center with 15 minutes to spare. Thus his impossibly long day begins.

XXXX

 

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

To: KirkKR

 

Time sent: 7/12/2259 21:47:39

 

Subject: What time do I need to pick you up?

 

I thought I would email you because you’re not picking up any of my calls. This is the new email address that Spock created for me because the old one contained a curse word. Also considering you’re just now starting to be okay with the marriage, I think the old one would make you really uncomfortable.

 

How did finals go? I’m sure you passed everything. Even though I kind of made the semester difficult. Next time I almost die I will try to do it at a more convenient time for your academic career. Although you better not be too wasted right now to pick up the phone.

 

It sounds so hypocritical saying that. I’m now that old married guy. When did this happen?

 

Speaking of being the responsible adult, I saw Winona today. She’s better. Sober and they figured out the right mix of medication. Best of all, she’s actually taking said medication.

 

She hugged me and she cried. Then she slapped me and she cried again. I think she slapped me because she didn’t believe I was actually alive, although the hugging should’ve been enough physical contact. She also screamed at me for almost making her bury another son. There was also a lot of cursing against Starfleet. I’m so glad Spock and I wore civilian clothes, otherwise it would be worse.

 

So packing tip: leave anything with a Starfleet insignia on it at home. I’ll buy you new stuff if necessary. Okay, I’m totally using this as an excuse to get Spock another pair of jeans. Okay, I am really using this as an excuse to be Spock’s personal shopper, complete with dressing room fun time. I’m going to leave it there because that would be over sharing.

 

I’ve booked you a room on the other side of the Brookside Inn because apparently they have lousy soundproofing in addition to the very few vegetarian breakfast options. Unfortunately, it was the closest to Serenity Hills. Isn’t Serenity Hills the perfect name for a psychiatric hospital?

 

Anyway, what time does your flight get here? Are you taking Starfleet transit or commercial? Do you want us to meet you at the shuttle port? If you are taking commercial, will we need to come get you? I’m not sure if the Iowa city SuperShuttle will come this far. Riverside is basically just Starfleet manufacturing now and thanks to what happened last year kind of blew up.

 

Have you tried talking to Simmons or is she still avoiding you? You should probably go by and see her before you come here. The situation may take a little while. Hey, you were the one who wanted to be involved. This time around. You could be hanging out with Simmons and Admiral Chan’s office. Instead, you’re going to be with me and talking about treatment strategies and looking into assisted living facilities.

 

This whole situation has taught me that Winona needs some sort of adult supervision. We can’t send her back to the farmhouse alone. This will just happen again, especially because that place is the incarnation of all evil. There’s a couple of facilities around here, but I’m not sure if that’s the best solution.

 

You’re going to be earthbound in San Francisco for most of the next three years and that means that as much as I want to protect you, you’re going to be a lot closer to deal with this stuff. It’s a short shuttle ride, but I don’t know if you would be able to check up on her every weekend with a full schedule. I don’t want to ask that of you.

 

XXXX

 

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

To: UhuraNX

 

Time sent: 7/12/2259 22:01:21

 

Subject: Greetings from Iowa

 

Greetings from Iowa. We arrived late yesterday and had time to check into the hotel and get a decent dinner, but not much else. I promise to pick up your baked goods tomorrow. I meant to email yesterday, but honestly we were too busy making use of a decent bed. We also managed to make our next-door neighbors hate us because Spock is really, really vocal. Seriously, all hotels should have decent soundproofing.

 

I saw Winona today. She says hi and loves the robe you got her last time you were here. She likes you. Winona couldn’t stop gushing about you. She probably wishes you were my new spouse and not Spock.

 

I did break the news about the quickie wedding. Okay, I yelled the news about the quickie wedding. She said something about being surprised that Spock was here with me and then I said “of course, my husband is going to be with me when I deal with my fucked up family issues. He’s a part of this family now too will.” She didn’t scream or yell. She kind of didn’t react. Okay, she went back to painting. According to Dr. Caraballo, watercolors relaxes her. I’m not sure how to take that.

 

I didn’t bring up the house stuff because things are awkward enough and maybe baby brother needs to be here for that particular conversation. I’m going to make the effort to include Kevin in these decisions because, as Spock pointed out to me today, Kevin’s the one who is going to be here (unless I tell Starfleet to kiss my ass and put in my resignation).

 

We went to the house of all evil and the place really is as bad as you said it was. The scent of stale beer and rotting trash lingered. I’m really tempted to just sell the property to Starfleet and maybe move mom to Oakland or Berkeley or somewhere in the San Francisco Metro. Serenity Hills is a nice rehab center and Dr. Caraballo knows her stuff, but Kevin is going to be Academy bound for the next three years. Also a part of me hopes that at some point she won’t need the level of care that Serenity Hills provides.

 

How’s my favorite grouchy doctor? Did you decide which amusement park you’re going to? Or did she who will not be named try to back out of it? I could so see her doing something like that.

 

Xxxxxx

 

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

To: Spock_Grayson

 

Time saved: 7/12/2259 22:16:21

Time sent: 7/13/2259 00:01:01

 

Subject: You are the best husband ever

 

Have I told you how much I love you today? I don’t think I would have got through today without you. Okay, I would’ve never left the hotel without you. Things are better than I thought they would be, despite the fact we are avoiding the ‘I died’ elephant in the room.

 

She’s actually in a relatively good place compared to other times such as post Tarsus. She was a mess. It was the entire reason I left my fancy gifted kid school and started living at home again, even though the farmhouse made me vomit at least once a day. A coat of paint and new drapes doesn’t get rid of all the bad things that happened there. I’m just really good at pretending that it didn’t happen.

 

Thank you for… Everything just being there and listening to my rants and my insecurities and reminding me that I have to let other people, including Kevin, make these decisions.

Honestly, everything’s a little fucked up right now. It’s a little less fucked up than it was a month ago when I was sort of dead but, being alive means I have to be a grown-up and put things back together again. I’m just happy that I don’t have to do this alone. So thank you for that.

Xxxxxx

 

From: Spock_Grayson

 

To: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

Time sent: 7/13/2259 05:01:34

 

Subject: Re: You are the best husband ever

 

Dear James:

You do not have to thank me for doing what is required. I will be by your side whenever necessary. I will be on your side in every decision and will always provide you with advice when you solicit my opinion.

 

If you want to move Winona to San Francisco, I support that decision. We don’t have to assist with the recovery work on New Vulcan. That was merely a suggestion. If it is more conducive for you to be on Earth to assist your mother’s recovery, then that is what we will do.

Xxxxxx

 

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

To: Spock_Grayson

 

Time sent: 7/13/2259 06:55:34

 

Subject: Re: You are the best husband ever

I just love the fact that you write me emails when you’re actually sitting next to me. I wonder what Dr. Margarita would think of our communication issues. Would she see this as an issue? We’re just communicating in a weird way.

 

I guess you are reading my emails to Kevin over my shoulder. Yes, I would like mom in San Francisco or at least the Metro because I think it might be better for Kevin if she was closer by where he could keep an eye on her. However we don’t have to be there. Besides, we are to be grounded until January or February maybe longer.

 

Let’s be honest, can you really take six months or longer being on the same planet as your dad? I know you love your father, but can you really spend that much time around him?

XXXXXXXXXX

From: Spock_Grayson

 

To: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

Time sent: 7/13/2259 07:01:54

 

Subject: Re: You are the best husband ever

No

 

XXXXXXXX

From: KirkKR

 

To: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

Time sent: 7/13/2259 9:01:38

 

Subject: Do Not Tell Me Things like That

 

I do not want to know what you did with your husband in public in a dressing room or your hotel room for that matter. Never tell me.

 

Also next time try not to die at all. That would be just lovely.

 

Please don’t mention anything academic related or even Starfleet related for at least the next month. I’m still dreaming about Starfleet regulations. Finals were awful because one of my professors was an asshole and all the questions were taken from class discussions that I wasn’t at because you were in a coma. I’m so going to be taking that class over again. Everything else, I’m sure I aced.

 

I am still coming. I’m flying commercial because Starfleet shuttles are only going to the shipyard once a week during the summer. The shuttle arrives at Iowa City around 9 PM tonight. A ride would be good.

 

I vote for selling the farm to Starfleet. Jen mentioned the possibility to me a few days ago when I asked her to convince her daughter to start speaking to me again. It’s a good offer.

 

I’ve been doing some research. There’s a couple of assisted living communities in the San Francisco Metro that may be able to help mom when she’s ready to transition out of a full-time rehabilitation center. It may even be good for her to be around a lot of her friends. A lot of them are now in San Francisco. You know, Admiral Pike could use the company, now that she’s a widow. Although if she is as anti-Starfleet as you say that she is, maybe she would be better a few hours away. I don’t know.

 

See this is why I wished Simmons was still talking to me. She’s good at this type of stuff. I’m not. I will see you in a couple of hours.

 

xxxxxxxxxxx

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

To: Simmons-ChanEX

 

Time sent: 7/13/2259 10:15:32

 

Subject: Re: Did you have to send me that

 

Winona is only slightly screwed up at the moment. I’ve been told this is an improvement.

 

Kevin confirmed that you’re still avoiding him. He even went to your mother for help. Your mother! That woman has been known to make her fellow admirals cry. That just shows how desperate he is.

 

You know Kevin needs you, especially with Winona being Winona. We need to make grown-up decisions about treatment strategies and I’m not sure if Spock can be the cheerleader for both of us. I’m not sure Kevin would let him. Kevin will be arriving at Iowa City at 9 PM local time. If you want on that shuttle, I’ll pay for your ticket and hotel room.

XXXXXXXX

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

To: KirkKR

 

Time sent: 7/13/2259 10:29:39

 

Subject: Re: Do Not Tell Me Things like That

 

We will be there. We can get dinner afterwards. There’s a couple of vegetarian places in Iowa City that I think Spock would like. He let me go to a barbecue joint on the way here so I owe him. Even the green beans had bacon. He was not a happy Vulcan.

 

I did send Simmons an email on your behalf. I guess it didn’t work. Have you tried groveling or chocolate? Chocolate usually works. When chocolate fails, honesty helps. Maybe if she knew that you were head over feet in love with her, things would be better.

 

Anyway, mom was better this morning. We had breakfast. Breakfast together and no shouting or crying involved. Spock and mom had a riveting conversation about omelets and waffles followed by a slideshow of our desert getaway. Maybe she would like the place in the desert.

 

I guess we really do need to ask if she wants to go back to the farmhouse. I mean, she may have some good memories there. That’s where she went with George when they first got married. It’s the place where she brought Sam home from the hospital. She never changed his room. Remember we had to spend the entire first week you were living with us remodeling the guest room because she wouldn’t let you move into Sam’s room. Maybe she’s not ready to let that go.

 

By the way, I wasn’t planning on dying. Nobody does unless they are actually trying to kill themselves. I’m not suicidal. Sacrificial yes, but not suicidal. It’s just sort of happened. I’ll try not to do it again.

XXXXX

From: UhuraNX

 

To: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

Time sent: 7/13/2259 11:21:23

 

Subject: Re: Greetings from Iowa

 

 

We are going to Disney because JoJo loves Mickey Mouse and Captain Marvel. She wants to be Captain Marvel or Daredevil when she grows up. The ex is less than amused, and pretty much ended the phone call before we could say anything else despite the fact that Leonard is entitled to phone time.

 

Actually, the evil one is being a total bitch and I’m not sure that she’s going even show up tomorrow. If she backs out of this visit, it will absolutely crush Leonard. He’s so happy right now. Our refrigerator is filled with yogurt tubes and string cheese, but it’s great to see him like this. With everything going on with you dying and me losing the baby and him now babysitting baby med students, it feels like we are always on the verge of tears or screaming. I like a smiling Leonard. That smile would disappear if she backs out.

 

Even then it could still fall apart. Spending quality time with a small child just has disaster written all over it. What do I do with a little girl? I don’t even think I was a little girl when I was that age. I mean, I spent most of my time hiding in the library reading language books. This is what happens when your grandmother is a professor.

 

I mean, what if she doesn’t like me? That’s a deal breaker, right? I have no idea.

 

Grandma rarely dated and the only time is when I caught her sleeping with some grad student half her age. Not her grad student. Not that there’s anything wrong with the professor dating a student if it’s completely consensual and everybody knows about it. Technically, that happened with me and Spock, although not really because, well, our relationship was kind of always friends with make out privileges.

 

XXXXXXXXx

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

To: UhuraNX

 

Time sent: 7/13/2259 12:15:17

 

Subject: Re: Greetings from Iowa

 

Deep cleansing breath. You are babbling and that scares me. You’re supposed to be the put together one.

 

It will be okay. JoJo will love you. She’s always been an easy kid. Hugs and chocolate usually work. She kind of loves not being around her mom. She won’t say why and there are no visible bruises so I have nothing. Yes, I realize my childhood was so fucked up that I check for bruises and let every child I meet know that if someone in their life is hitting them or doing other bad things, I will personally make sure that individual never sees the light of day again.

 

She’s going to love you. You’re lovable. It’s impossible to despise you, unless you have severe mental problems and you know who I’m talking about. Your steps ahead of the stepfather we do not speak of.

 

I doubt the evil one will back out of the visitation. She’s a lawyer and she knows that if she doesn’t cooperate with the current judge, she’s going to completely undermine her case. She is the one who will come off looking like the crazy, bitter ex and from what I’ve seen of this judge’s record, that’s not going to work this time around. Really, it was just good luck that Bones ended up with a judge that doesn’t play games or trade legal decisions for blow jobs, at least not from her.

 

Okay, maybe there’s this tiny part of me that hopes she does do something like that so the judge would take JoJo away for good and you and Bones could raise her together in your pretty little house in Georgia. Things would be so much better for Leonard and baby JoJo if she just disappeared.

 

Sure, Spock and I would have to break in a new doctor and chief communications officer, but you two would be happy and JoJo would have a better chance of becoming a well-adjusted young woman. Really you being happy is all I want. You deserve that. We all deserve that.

XXXXXXXXXXX

From: KirkKR

 

To: Jim_Spock-Kirk

Time sent: 7/13/2259 15:16:39

 

Subject: Re: Do Not Tell Me Things like That

I don’t trust you not to. What did you say to Simmons? You didn’t tell her the truth?

XXXXx

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

To: KirkKR

 

Time sent: 7/13/2259 15:30:23

 

Subject: Re: Do Not Tell Me Things like That

 

That you’re a self-absorbed toddler with serious relationship issues due to the fucked up circumstances of surviving the hell that was Tarsus? Of course not.

 

You know if anybody is going to understand what’s going through your head, it’s going to be her. She was there.

 

I been through a lot of fucked up things, including Frank and dying, but I didn’t go through what you went through. You both watched your families be murdered. That sort of thing fucks things up. It makes sense that you don’t want to go after what you really want because maybe you think you can’t have it or that you don’t deserve it.

 

But maybe it’s time for us to do what we really want to do. We need to stop pretending and stop lying to ourselves as well as each other about the things we want.

 

I want my family to be in one piece and I don’t know if you are ready to acknowledge this, but Spock’s family now. That doesn’t mean that I love you and mom any less, but he’s part of this, a part of us. I want us to talk to each other and say what we’re thinking instead of sugarcoating everything.

What do you want, Kevin? Beside Simmons that is.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

From: KirkKR

 

To: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

Time sent: 7/13/2259 18:03:39

 

Subject: Re: Do Not Tell Me Things like That

 

For a brother who does not interfere with my personal life, you are a fucking asshole. If I wasn’t at the spaceport already, I would so turn around. You’re buying drinks tonight.

Xxxxxxxx

After Kevin sent his very angry email to his extremely meddling brother, he knew that he had to do damage control before he had to walk over to the shuttle gate to board in the next half an hour. Of course Simmons did not pick up his call, just like she hasn’t since the wedding. Really, this should not surprise him at all. He left a voicemail anyway.

 

“Even though you’re not picking up any of my calls and probably deleting my emails on sight, I figure I should let you know that I’m leaving for Iowa tonight. Fortunately, Winona is no longer drinking herself into a puddle, but we have decisions to make like should we move Winona somewhere else. Also, Starfleet wants to expand and possibly make a Kelvin Museum. Your mother told me that.”

 

Actually, he wondered if she already knew that. Did her mom mention it directly to her earlier? He had no idea.

 

“Okay, I really called because I think Jim tried to meddle again in my life without asking me what I wanted him to do, which is the entire reason why I didn’t know that my mom was so screwed up to begin with. Okay, I knew, but I didn’t know. I thought rehab worked last time. Okay, I thought the medication was working. I thought things were okay. I didn’t know that everything was so tenuous and that Jim has been covering up how screwed up things were for the last decade. I mean it’s totally normal for your big brother to cook every dinner because your mom is having a day where she doesn’t want to leave her room and cries all the time. That stuff is normal, especially after seeing your son be murdered in front of you. Okay, we really are that fuc…

 

Beep

 

"It cut me off." Kevin scowled at his device.

 

"Because you’re babbling." Simmons said walking in front of him.

 

"What are you doing here?"

 

"Going with you to Iowa to deal with Winona and your brother. Because if you’re babbling incoherently into your communicator, you’re definitely going to need my help." That was true. He always needs her help.

 

"After a week of not speaking to me?" Kevin asked, still surprised Liz was there at all.

 

"I had some things I needed to work through and I’ve worked through them." Oh, that does not sound good.

 

"What did Jim tell you? He didn’t tell you that Winona was terminal? He could do something like that and I would have no idea if things really were that bad, or if he was lying just to get you here." Either could be possible.

 

“You and your brother have a really weird relationship.” Simmons said, shaking her head. “It was my mom who told me that you would be taking a commercial shuttle.” Plausible, he did mention something about this to Admiral Chan. “She also wants you to know that you can start your internship after we deal with this."

 

"I don’t believe you. He had to tell you something. Whatever he said it wasn’t true." Maybe.

 

"So you’re not actually in love with me and absolutely terrified of having anything beyond a platonic relationship with me because you’re convinced that all relationships fall apart."

 

Oh shit! Jim Kirk is a dead man.

 

"He told you that?"

 

"No, you told me that, or rather you told him that, and he forwarded the email to me.”

 

"Fucking Bastard. He is such an asshole."

 

"He loves you, though."

 

"He has a weird way of showing it." Kevin huffed out in annoyance.

 

"I think it’s a family thing. You Kirk boys are really bad at saying I love you." She joked.

 

"Technically, I’m not a Kirk."

 

"Yes, you are. Do you love me?" She asked again.

 

"You know I do. You’re my best friend. Seriously, I’ve been miserable this week. Please don’t stop speaking to me again."

 

"This is the problem with standard.” Liz looked annoyed. “We only have one word for love, despite how many different types of love there are in the world. I should’ve asked if you wanted to sleep with me. That would have provided me with a clear answer."

 

"Vulcan has a word that means friend and lover." He said trying to avoid her last statement.

 

"Do you want that word to fit us?"

 

"Yes, but…” He confessed reluctantly. “I’m a little fucked up right now. My brother died. Then after surviving that, Jim went off and got married. Now, I’m just feeling a little insecure. Although now that I’ve been emailing his husband for the last couple of days, I don’t hate my brother-in-law, but I do hate my brother.” Why did he send her that? Kevin lamented again.

 

"Progress. Progress is good."

 

“It’s not just Jim. Mom is an absolute mess. I stayed up until 4 AM looking into various places within three hours of San Francisco that can deal with Winona’s issues." That was not a fun experience involving lots of text message exchanges with Dr. Caraballo.

 

"Did you find any place that might be good for Winona?" Liz asked, actually interested.

 

"Dry-Center Hills near UF Berkeley. It’s a sober living community with psychologists on site. Besides maybe she would want to go back to school. She always talks about going back to get her doctorate."

 

"Dr. Kirk sounds nice."

 

"I can’t deal with anything else. With everything going on right now. I just know I hate not speaking to you and not being able to call you up and tell you all of this." Kevin admitted out loud.

 

"I’m always going to be there.” Liz puts an arm around him. “We will never have a fight again where we can’t work it out because we’re always going to work it out, but we don’t have to figure it out today."

 

"Okay."

 

"I don’t want you fucking around with other people." That causes Kevin to pull away.

 

"You know I haven’t had sex with that many people." Kevin told her defensively.

 

“More than me.” Liz shot back.

 

 “Because you dated that bastard for an entire semester."

 

"You hated him?"

 

"He wasn’t good enough for you. No one is." Liz smirked at him.

 

"Maybe you could be.” She grabs his hand with one hand and her luggage with the other."

 

"Let’s get on the shuttle."

       

"Okay."

xxxxxxxxxxx

From: Simmons-ChanEX

 

To: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

Time sent: 7/13/2259 19:39:32

 

Subject: Re: Did you have to send me that

Mommy Chan says that you’re reimbursing her for the first class ticket to middle of nowhere Iowa and you will be lying to my mom about us having separate rooms. We will see you in a few hours. Be prepared to grovel.

To be continued

Xxxxx


	36. I apologize on behalf of my husband

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter.   
> I’m sorry this took longer than I intended to originally. Lots of family stuff going on. On November 25, my uncle died. It was a long fight with cancer and more importantly various complications. At least he’s no longer suffering. On December 1, I lost my brother-in-law to his fight with cancer. I spent the first half of December helping my sister take care of things. I wrote this chapter weeks ago, but it took me forever to proofread it after I received it from my beta. Too much going on.
> 
> I did receive one anonymous review last time that was upset about how I described Spock and Nyota’s previous relationship as a close friendship with make out privileges. Spock and Nyota do love each other very much, but in this universe, Spock is about a Kinsey five and he really didn’t figure that out until his physical relationship with Nyota happened. 
> 
> Yes, it’s possible for someone to love more than one person, but it’s not always the same type of love. In this universe these two people will die for each other, but they’re just not romantically compatible. I went this route to avoid the post breakup bitterness and my least favorite Star Trek K/S fanfiction trope, Nyota the evil bitch.

From: KirkKR 

To: Spock_Grayson

Time sent: 7/14/2259 00:04:21

Subject: I like you more than my idiot brother right now.  
Your husband is an idiot. Do you have any idea what he did? That asshole forwarded a really private email where I pretty much confessed that I was in love with Liz. 

Seriously, he had no right to forward that email to Liz. That was supposed to be a private thing between us which completely explains why our relationship is as screwed up as it is. I’m sending you this email now to warn you that you probably should keep Jim away from me. There’s a 50-50 chance I will punch him out as soon as the shuttle landed. The only reason why I may not is that Liz is sitting next to me on this shuttle ride with her head on my shoulder and we’re sharing a room. 

Not like that. We’re sharing a bed, but it’s a sleep over. At least I don’t think it will be like that. Things are still complicated and Winona makes it more complicated, but we’re talking which is good. I don’t know what to do without her. I’m kind of lost.  
XXXXXX

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk 

To: Spock_Grayson

Time sent: 7/14/2259 01:01:34

Subject: How did you become friends with my brother?

I can’t believe Kevin was so friendly with you when he was 30 seconds from biting my head off the entire dinner. Seriously, what happened in the last week to make him go from barely showing up to our wedding to him actually hugging you and you let him!!! You got into the chocolate biscotti right? Emailing him several of my best private emails could not have helped that much?

I didn’t want to tell you this while we were sort of getting along, but Simmons sort of slapped me when you and Kevin were putting the luggage in the trunk. And then she hugged me. It was all very confusing. So that’s why I told you I had a little incident with the visor in the car.

So maybe I shouldn’t have sent her Kevin’s declaration of love, but it wasn’t like he was going to say anything anytime soon. Kevin has issues. I don’t even think he was intending for me to see it anytime soon. But you know when I get restless, I start hacking. I don’t regret it. She’s here and really we can use all the help we can get dealing with the Winona situation.  
XXXXXX

From: Spock_Grayson

To: Jim_Spock-Kirk

Time sent: 7/14/2259 06:01:34

Subject: Re: How did you become friends with my brother?

Next time you want to help someone via committing a felony, please consult me first. I would make you sleep on the couch of the suite, but that would just punish me. I find it very difficult to sleep without you by my side. However, do not even think of following me into the shower this morning. Actually, do not consider doing anything sexually related with me until you apologize to your brother for your invasion of his privacy.  
XXXXX

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk 

To: Spock_Grayson

Time sent: 7/14/2259 06:45:34

Subject: Re: How did you become friends with my brother?

Turning down a good morning shower blowjob is punishing yourself. I was going to swallow and everything because I can.

It was a good plan. She’s here. It worked. Okay, I might have to pick up some concealer for the bruising, but again she’s here. Okay, maybe we should invite Liz and Kevin over for breakfast at Luisa’s kitchen next-door to the rehab center before we deal with Winona and pop for the lobster omelet. Their lobster omelet is ridiculous, but delicious.

PS: I did delete all mentions of the P word in his original email. There would’ve been no saving me from the couch, if I did something that stupid.  
XXXXXXX

From: Spock_Grayson

To: KirkKR

Time sent: 7/14/2259 7:29:21

Subject: I apologize on behalf of my husband

I assume by the tone of your letter and the timestamp that you sent your email midair, but it was not actually sent until the next time you open your PADD. Starfleet PADD’s do not work on commercial shuttles for some reason.

I apologize for James’ inappropriate behavior. In his defense, James was merely trying to help. Unfortunately, he has questionable social skills and therefore tries to help in ways that may be morally questionable or slightly illegal. He does care, otherwise he would not have intervened at all.

You both also need as much support as possible from whatever source is available including each other. He really does want to make it up to you.

Would you like to join us for breakfast this morning at Luisa’s Kitchen before we visit with your mother? We would be paying. Which means that you can order whatever you prefer. James suggests their lobster omelet. I will be getting chocolate chip pancakes because I need chocolate libations to deal with both of you right now.  
Xxxxxxx  
XXXXXXX

From: KirkKR 

To: Spock_Grayson

Time sent: 7/13/2259 7:49:21

Subject: Re: I apologize on behalf of my husband  
It’s never a good sign when you start drinking before noon. Chocolate chip pancakes must be the Vulcan version of a mimosa.

We are coming, but only because we are going to the place with the awesome blueberry French toast that I’m going to eat with my super expensive lobster omelet.

XXXXXXxx  
From: UhuraNX

To: Spock_Grayson

Time sent: 7/14/2259 10:12:45

Subject: How’s Everything in Iowa

How is the honeymoon going or rather how did the honeymoon portion of the trip go? According to Jim’s most recent string of emails, you’re already in Iowa. I would email him again, but he sounded a little strange in the last email. Is everything okay with Winona? Sometimes, Jim worries me.

I’m sitting here waiting at a McDonald’s for Leonard’s ex-wife to show up with Jo Jo. I’m sure Jim told you that Shawn managed to force visitation and we are taking Jo Jo to Disneyland of Georgia or we are attempting to. She’s already 10 minutes late and I’m worried that the evil one is not going to show up at all. I hope this is just traffic and not her being her usual bitch self and trying to prevent Leonard from spending the entire day with his daughter, per judicial edict.

I think her overpriced flashy car just pulled into the parking lot. Thank God. I’ll send pictures later.  
XXXXXX  
Nyota presses the send button when she is certain that the flashy vintage Mercedes belongs to Leonard’s ex-wife. She vaguely remembered the flashy vehicle from the mediation earlier that week. The ex definitely likes to make a show of all the things she stole from Leonard, including their daughter. She swears the woman treats the young girl as more of a commodity then a person.

"She’s only 15 minutes late.” She says looking at her PADD again trying to keep the anger out of her voice.

"I guess she only wanted to screw with my head a little." Leonard took a long drink of coffee before leaving their vehicle to meet Jo Jo. She stays behind partially because she wants father and daughter to have a moment alone together before being forced to deal with future perceived as evil stepmom--she means perceived as evil girlfriend, not stepmom. There is also a 90% chance that she would knock out the former Mrs. McCoy if she saw her right now.

Especially because she just knows that the evil ex is whispering something really bad in Leonard’s ears right now. She has no idea what the evil one said, but it couldn’t be anything good because of the dark expression on Leonard’s face. In that case, it was definitely best that she stay inside the car until the ex pulled away.

"Jo Jo, I would like you to meet a friend of mine.” Leonard opened the door to the car. “This is Nyota. She’s the one who picked up the doll and chemistry set I sent you for Christmas."

"I like the doll, but mom got rid of the chemistry set. She says a future lawyer doesn’t need to concern themselves with science." Nyota frowned deeply at that. “Mom said that you had giant red horns, but you seemed humanoid enough to me.”

“That’s because I am.” ‘And your moms a bitch who’s probably filling your head with ridiculous lies because she’s just that callous.’ Nyota thought bitterly, but kept those thoughts to herself. She refuses to sink down to that level of bad mouthing.

“I don’t think your mom is right about that. I’m sure environmental lawyers have to know a lot about science. Also, I think your daddy went to med school with somebody who was also a lawyer."

“Jerri Cruz. Smart woman. Now she has her own firm that specializes in medical malpractice. I would never want to go against her.”

“There really are different types of lawyers?" JoJo asked with a voice that sounded happy and sad all at the same time.

"Yes. You can ask Mister Shawn about it later if you really want to be a lawyer when you grow up." Leonard smiled at his little girl sadly.

"Mom says I have to be." And then Leonard frowned deeply.

“It’s not up to her. When you’re 18, you can do whatever you want."

“That’s not what mom says.” ‘Your mom is a controlling bitch.’

“It’s not her life, is it?” Leonard said annoyed. “I love you the same even if you decide to stow away on the ship to explore the galaxy as an intergalactic hitchhiker.”

“I’m pretty sure my parents never wanted me to join Starfleet, but here I am." Nyota added thoughtfully.

"Do you like it?"

"Sometimes." ‘When crazy coworkers are not screwing with my birth-control in effort to prove that I am the ship slut.

"Can I have breakfast now?" Leonard frowned at that question.

“Your mother told me she would feed you breakfast before dropping you off. I would have chosen someplace nicer for the handoff if I knew we still needed to eat."

"Yogurt is not breakfast. Can I have pancakes?" She was actually giving Leonard her puppy dog eyes.

"According to your mother’s long list of dietary rules, you’re not allowed to have pancakes or anything with gluten. Yet hash browns are allowed which are worse.” Leonard groused.

"She doesn’t have to know. Please?" Jo Jo pleaded.

"She would probably do blood work." Leonard mumbled under breath.

"There is a gluten free Egg McMuffin and pancakes on the menu.”

“Seriously?”

“That’s been an option for the last hundred years. Go with the McMuffin. It’s easier to eat in the car. We have to be on the road soon if we want to get to Disneyland of Georgia in the next hour.” Nyota passes the almost preteen a credit chip. The young girl quickly bounced off to the line practically running.

"Get me one too.” Leonard yell, but she doubted Jo Jo heard him before she was already in the restaurant.

"So what did the ex said to you." Nyota said as she got out of the car to catch up to the 10-year-old.

"Why do you think she said something?" Leonard asked, puzzled.

"Because I saw your face. You were very upset."

“I’ll tell you later.

“We can see her just fine from here.” She said pointing Jo Jo standing impatiently in line.” Leonard just sighed.

“The evil one told me to enjoy the day because she was going to make sure I will never see Jo Jo again." Leonard’s voice is shaking announcing that some part of him must believe that.

“Don’t believe anything she says.” Nyota puts an arm around Leonard. “She’s just trying to get inside your head. Don’t let her mess of you. Unlike your last lawyer she can’t wrap her hands around Shawn to make this go away.”

"Because I’m more Shawn’s type than her." Leonard snorted.

"True. Shawn is good at what he does and will help take care of it."

 

"Maybe. But the truth of the matter is as long as she’s alive, she’s always going to be trying to make me miserable. It is what she does."

“It would be so much easier if she went into cardiac arrest on the way home.” Nyota joked.

“I think there’s a better chance of her waking up one morning and suddenly deciding to start adopting baby puppies and kittens." Leonard said angrily.

“Instead of kicking them like she does now.” Nyota mumbled under breath. “Why does she hate you so much?" She doesn’t get it. Nyota assumes that at some point, they must of loved each other. But how did it go from that point to where it is now?

"Apparently, I made the horrible mistake of sleeping with her that week she took the defective birth control. I don’t think she ever loved me like I loved her. But the difference in our regard for one another became more obvious after having Jo Jo. I’m sure some of it was postpartum, but she would never see a doctor about it. Honestly, that’s where most of our worst fights came from.” Which explains why Leonard was pushing so hard for her to seek help after the miscarriage.

“Instead she just started blaming me and Jo Jo for everything going wrong in her life. We are the reason why she missed out on her first choice law school. That didn’t have anything whatsoever to do with the fact that her grades weren’t good enough to get her in that school even with daddy dearest paying off half the admissions board.”

“Some people just can’t take responsibility for their own actions.”

 

“And she’s just one of those people. I’m sure the postpartum made it worse, but it wasn’t like she wanted to get help. Things got even worse because daddy dearest wouldn’t dream of having his first grandchild born out of wedlock. This meant a Georgia style shotgun wedding. I’m sure a lot of the resentment comes from that alone.”

“Seriously? That’s why she’s been so nasty towards you?” Nyota asked incredulously and Leonard nodded his head in agreement.

“I’ve never said that she was rational.” Leonard sighed.

“She’s definitely not rational. Things are different now. You don’t have to have a baby if you don’t want to. If she didn’t want to terminate the pregnancy, she could’ve just put Jo Jo in stasis and allowed you to get a gestational carrier to bring her to term."

"That would mean conceding custody and she hates giving up control."

"I’m starting to see that." Nyota said as she opened the door to the restaurant to catch up with Jo Jo. Of course the 10-year-old did not get the gluten-free McMuffin, but the pancakes. Nyota really hopes no blood test happen. Okay she seriously wishes for she who will not be named to go into a case of cardiac arrest, even though she knows such thoughts are extremely inappropriate.  
XXXX  
From: Spock_Grayson

To: UhuraNX 

Time sent: 7/14/2259 11:12: 45

Subject: Re: How’s everything in Iowa

The journey here was much more enjoyable than the destination itself. I know James told you about our camping trip and has promised to never do something like that again. The only bit of unpleasantness was the barbecue establishment that we went to that had no item on the menu without meat. Even the cornbread had bacon and you know I enjoy cornbread. James ended up getting me a burrito from the taco place next door.

Presently, James is adequately considering the circumstances and the fact that contact with his mother always makes him uncomfortable. However, the presence of Kevin is adding to his uneasiness, but that is his own fault. 

James decided it would be advantageous to forward a very private email that his brother sent to him to Cadet Simmons in an effort to enlighten her about his feelings for her. I am thankful that the incident did not backfire and resulted in Cadet Simmons being here and Kevin having a very large hematoma on his neck. 

Despite this, Kevin is still displeased with his brother. The only adjective I can use to describe the situation is tense and we still need to discuss what we actually need to discuss such as why Winona was hospitalized in the first place and what will happen once she is released. 

James’ death is a taboo subject of conversation. I understand why such discussions are avoided. I do not want to talk about James nearly dying. However, if Winona is ever to truly get better, a discussion of what happened is completely necessary. Winona Kirk drunk herself to a state of unconsciousness because she thought her son died the same way that his father did nearly 26 years earlier. That needs to be discussed, yet nobody wants to talk about it.

There was an attempt this morning to discuss what will happen to Winona when she leaves the rehabilitation center. Said attempt involved a food fight. James and Kevin are now banned from Luisa’s kitchen.

How is Leonard’s daughter enjoying her time with you? Is the situation really that complicated with Leonard’s first wife? I do not understand why anyone would hate you. You are one of the most kind and gracious humans I have ever come in contact with.  
Xxxxxx

From: UhuraNX 

To: Spock_Grayson

Time sent: 7/14/2259 16:12: 45

Subject: Re: How’s everything in Iowa  
I love you too, but you really don’t need to suck up like that.

Yes, the situation with she who will not be named is really that bad and extremely sad. She showed up late for the handoff and then immediately started playing head games with Leonard. 

She gave us a ridiculous list of foods that Jo Jo is not allowed to eat and I had to spend half of the afternoon correcting various misconceptions about myself because she talked about both me and Leonard like dogs in front of an impressionable 10-year-old. 

Apparently, Jo Jo thought I was a fire breathing devil woman and I mean that in the literal sense. I think Jo Jo is upset about the lack of red horns and pitchfork tongue. The evil one will be so sad that her child did not turn out to be a human supremacist and thinks that having an alien for a stepmother is cool. Also I had to provide a 10-year-old with a contexts appropriate definition to the word slut a.k.a. a derogatory term used to describe a highly accomplished female who is comfortable with herself in an effort to make her feel uncomfortable. Thank God I’m a language expert.

Even worse, she has Jo Jo convinced that if she doesn’t go to law school she’s going to lose her mom’s love. Seriously, what type of person puts that much pressure on a 10-year-old? 

Unlike she who will not be named, I did not say anything nasty about her to Jo Jo. Even though I find her despicable, she’s still Jo Jo’s mother and therefore I need to be respectful of her, even if I want to ring her neck which is why I’m going to outline most of my baser thoughts about the woman in this email.

I have a lot of angry words for her. Mostly I just want to keep referring to her as the bitch over and over again. She sent both Leonard and I a combined 35 different angry text messages demanding that we bring her daughter back home early. It’s gotten so bad that I’ve stopped accepting text messages from anybody. My email account also has several similar messages. 

I already forwarded them to Shawn who will send them straight to the judge. Does she really think she’s going to win brownie points with the judge by harassing us? I think the only thing she’s going to get is a psych evaluation and a 72 hour hold.

How the fuck did someone like her end up with somebody as sweet as Jo Jo? It’s truly unfair. She’s such a sweetie pie. I have like half a dozen pictures of her with Captain Marvel attached. They’re currently touring the Avenger Tower while I write this email and all the nasty ones from she who will not be named so Jo Jo doesn’t see any of it if she accidentally grabs my PADD.

Really, are you surprised at all that those two idiots managed to get banned from a restaurant? There are just some people who can’t verbalize what they’re feeling and unfortunately, your husband and his brother qualify. How much property damage did they do?

It does not surprise me at all that Jim sent Kevin’s private emails to somebody else. He’s still doing that to my private emails. Can you please get your husband to stop forwarding my emails automatically? There’s some things that just need to stay in the draft folder.  
XXXXXXXX  
From: Spock_Grayson 

To: UhuraNX

Time sent: 7/14/2259 17:31: 45

Subject: Re: How’s everything in Iowa

 

Several thousand credits with an additional contribution to keep the restaurant owner from pressing charges. Due to the current investigation by Starfleet officials, it would be best that James not get arrested. 

Lunch went better, after James apologized for violating Kevin’s expectation of privacy, mostly due to the fact I threatened to withhold sex until he did. Apparently, that is an excellent motivator for James to sit down and actually discuss things with his brother in a rational matter. 

They were able to make a few decisions such as selling the Iowa farmhouse. Apparently, even Winona does not want to live there any longer. She’s also open to the possibility of living closer to Kevin. Although not in San Francisco proper because she really does despise Starfleet. However, still no discussions about why she dislikes Starfleet or James’ temporary death. They did discuss what happened to Admiral Pike, which I consider a vast improvement.

I am sorry things with Leonard’s former wife are so complicated. I guess not everybody can stay close to a former lover after the relationship has run its course. I am glad you and I do not have that type of relationship.  
Xxxxxxxx

‘Because we love each other and would die for the other one. We just don’t want to sleep with one another.’ Nyota thought to herself as she locked her PADD.

"I don’t have any emails or text messages from her. Actually, the only email I have is from Spock letting me know that Jim and his brother have yet to kill each other, but it’s probably a near thing." She told Leonard with a small smile.

"That usually happens with brothers." Leonard sighed.

“I wouldn’t know since I’m an only child. It probably doesn’t help at all that Jim likes to hack email accounts and forward the information to other people."

"Isn’t it slightly hypocritical for you to say anything about that considering you used your privileges as Chief Communications Officer to forward his emails to Spock?"

"I was doing it for Jim’s own good. He could’ve been suicidal." She said defensively and really, that’s what she thought at the time. Considering the look Leonard was giving her, he did not entirely believe that.

"You know that Marc wasn’t your fault right?" He grabbed her hand.

"Most days I realize that, sometimes I don’t." Like the day in the warp core.

"That’s all I can ask for.” Leonard checked his watch one more time.

 

"This is so like her. She demands that we leave the park two hours early and then she doesn’t show up. She just loves messing with me.” Leonard sighed angrily.

"Although considering there’s a 10-year-old passed out in the back of the car. We probably would’ve left when we did anyway. The Star Wars experience was exhausting." They only managed to get through half the park before they had to leave, but that was enough to make anyone exhausted. Next time they do this, she hopes they can spend a couple of days there.

"True, but I didn’t need to deal with a dozen nasty text messages and threats about contacting the judge." Leonard sounded worried.

“They were empty threats and you know it. Her text messages make her look slightly unhinged.” 

“Possibly. But I’m still worried.”

“Maybe she got lost in traffic.” Nyota suggested, trying to be helpful. Leonard just stares at her for a moment. “Okay, more likely she text messaged the wrong location on purpose.” ‘Just so she can tell the judge that we didn’t comply with her.’ However, Nyota held her tongue. It may look like Leonard’s daughter is sleeping, but you can never tell. She could totally be faking just so she can listen.

"I’m going to call Shawn.” Nyota said just as something inside of Jo Jo’s purse started to ring.

“Maybe she’s calling Jo Jo to check up? You should answer her communicator." Nyota suggested. Leonard just nodded his head before rummaging through the bag to find the communicator. 

"Thank God she’s actually with you." She heard an unknown woman say as soon as Leonard pressed the talk button. “I thought she would be, but when the cops said that…" 

"Lena, why are you babbling? What the hell is going on?"

"Who is Lena?" Nyota mumbled under breath, confused.

"Jo Jo’s aunt."

"And the only one in the family who took Leonard’s side in the divorce. Personally, I’m surprised little sister left me as her medical power of attorney. That doesn’t matter right now. You need to get to UGMC right now." There is a certain amount of panic in the woman’s voice that was concerning, especially in light of the fact that she just asked them to meet her at the hospital.

“What’s going on?” Apparently, Leonard was equally concerned. “I was supposed to meet your sister here half an hour ago and she’s not here yet. The woman hates tardiness with a passion"

"Due to her own stupidity, she’s not going to make it. I mean that literally.”

"Is this why you want us to meet you at the hospital."

"Yes."

“Did she wrap her car around a tree?”

“The details are not important. Just get here."

“I’m going to take that as a yes. I’ve been a doctor long enough to piece things together."

“Yes, there was a car accident and its… Just get here.” With that, the communicator went dead and Nyota was already starting the car for their quick trek to a hospital on the other side of town.  
To be continued

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven’t seen it already the new Star Trek trailer drop today. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRVD32rnzOw
> 
> I’m so excited because I’m going to have a brand-new playground of characters to work with for brand-new stories. This is in addition to the obligatory K/S or K/S/U reimagining that I will do. Despite how chaotic things are my life right now, I do promise to have this story done before then. Actually, I think were only two or three chapters away. I just need to find time to write those chapters.


	37. Be careful what you wish for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. Also thank you to everyone who sent condolences for my brother-in-law and uncle. Your words were very kind and helpful during such a difficult time. However, the story must go on and writing is how I get through everything.
> 
> I apologize that we are getting chapters out of rotation. You really should be getting an update for The Idiot’s Guide to Family Bonding right now. However, I’m just in the mood to finish Dear James as quickly as possible as well. I promise to focus more on the idiot’s guide to family bonding after I finish Dear James. We are only a few chapters from the end. Also, the Muse wants what the Muse wants. I’ve decided it’s just better to cooperate with it right now.
> 
> Now you have something to read during the blizzard, if you happen to live on the East Coast like me. You would’ve got this chapter earlier this morning, if I didn’t have to shovel 2 feet of snow off of my deck. I’m still only halfway done, but I took a proofreading break.

From: UhuraNX

To: Jim_Spock-Kirk

Time saved: 7/15/2259 9:01:45

Time sent: 7/16/2259 06:00:01

 

Subject: Be careful what you wish for.

 

I would write this to Spock, but I just have this feeling that you did not have time to fix your special email glitch. On the off chance that this message will actually be forwarded to one of you guys, I’d rather you be the one to read it. I definitely can't say this stuff to my boyfriend because everything is fucked up at the moment.

 

Because it’s been a lot longer since you buried a parent, I think you can handle this better. Although you did scatter Pike’s ashes last month, so maybe there isn’t a good person to address this email to, but since you’re the one who created this stupid glitch you’re the one who gets to read this necessary rant.

 

Did you ever want for something to happen and then actually have it happen only to realize that you never wanted it to happen in the first place? Not only that you’re horrified that you wanted something like that to befall someone you really didn't like at all, but now you’re stuck here watching people you love be completely miserable because of it?

 

I don’t even know where to begin to explain why things are so fucked up right now. 23 hours ago we were waiting at McDonald’s to take Jo Jo to Disneyland of Georgia. We had a good day together yesterday. Okay, it was mostly a good day if you ignore all the nasty calls, emails, and text messages from the -- Leonard’s ex-wife. I guess I can’t call her the B word anymore because of what happened. It wasn’t… this is hard to articulate.

 

I think I’m only typing this out because if I don’t write it down, then there’s no way for me to be the strong one and somebody has to be the strong one right now. It’s either write this or go find somewhere I can cry where nobody will find me and that is not an option. I can't leave Jo Jo and Leonard alone right now. Too much stuff to do, like finding a decent funeral planner. I’m getting ahead of myself and I probably need to explain why I’m in the market for a funeral planner (and after the chaos that was Marc and Gaila’s funerals, I want professional help especially when I don’t even like the deceased.)

 

Everything began yesterday when the ex-wife brought Jo Jo to the McDonald’s late because she just loves--loved playing head games. She even told Leonard to enjoy the day because he’d never get to see her again. That’s definitely not happening now.

 

Anyway, while we were talking about this and Jo Jo was getting the pancakes she’s not allowed to eat, I may have said something along the lines of hoping that the ex-wife would die of a heart attack.

 

I didn’t actually mean that I actually want her dead. I just wanted her to stop hurting people that I care about. And she was hurting Leonard and Jo Jo. You have no idea how many times I’ve watched Leonard cry because of that woman. You don’t use children as another weapon in a messy divorce. Yet she did. I hated her for that alone.

 

Don’t even get me started on the mess that she made of her daughter’s emotions. In addition to trying to sabotage her relationship with her father, she tried to control every aspect of Jo Jo's life. She threw away the chemistry set I got her for Christmas because it wasn’t appropriate for a future lawyer. She threw away the Ms. Marvel doll that her sister got her because it wasn’t appropriate. She only got to keep the Daredevil action figure because Daredevil is a lawyer.

 

Sometime around pre-K, the ex decided that her daughter had to follow in her legal footsteps Despite being more interested in anything else like actually being a child. I mean, what type of parent convinces their child that you will only be happy if you live your life as a mindless android doing everything mommy dearest wants? What does that say about mommy dearest? What type of monster do you have to be the say stuff like that to your kid?

 

And yet I now have a crying 10-year-old, lying on my lap while Leonard and the ex-wife’s sister deal with the lawyers and try to keep her parents a hundred meters away.

 

Now Leonard’s former father-in-law is a real piece of work. Enough that I understand why the ex kept her sister, who she wasn’t even talking to, as the executor of her estate. The body is not even cold yet and they can’t wait for the will reading so they can get their hands on Jo Jo just so they can get their hands on the money. They don’t even want her, they just want the money. It’s enough to make me almost feel sorry for the deceased, almost.

 

It was not cardiac arrest. It was a bottle of gin and a tree. I am thankful to every omnipotent being in the universe that she only hurt herself. If it was another weekend… I don’t even want to consider that possibility. I just squeeze Jo Jo a little tighter, even if it makes typing this a little harder to do. I would dictate, but she really is sleeping.

 

The poor baby didn't fall asleep until about seven this morning. I personally haven't had any sleep and we have a meeting in an hour with the lawyers. So I doubt that I will get any anytime soon.

 

I’m hoping that the using gin to wash down everything is just something that she did when Jo Jo wasn’t there. I have no idea because I didn’t know the woman beyond belligerent emails and text messages (and the ones from right before she went into a tree were quite belligerent). She very well could’ve been a secret alcoholic. Your brother had no idea that Winona fell off the wagon as badly as she did until we were in Iowa picking up the pieces.

 

I don’t want to ask Jo Jo about it. I can’t ask that question of somebody who just lost her mom. Even if the woman was a monster, Jo Jo loves --loved her mom. I need to respect that as much as possible, despite my own confused emotions about the woman.

 

I remember all too well how numb I was when I lost my grandmother. I was just lost inside myself. I didn’t know what to think or say. I was a mess. It is the same when Marc died, which is why Gaila put everything together and we ended up sleeping together and it wasn't in the platonic way.

 

Yes, I’m aware I use sex as a coping mechanism to deal with grief. I’m working with a therapist on it. Margarita suggested coloring books which I might get for Jo Jo later today, but I don’t think that will work for an adult.

 

Amanda was better, but only because I was there to function as the one keeping everyone together and well. You are well aware of how far I went to keep everything together. Okay, maybe I was too numb from Gaila to really respond and I just pushed everything away to focus on keeping Spock there with me.

 

I’d already lost two out of three of my best friends and I couldn’t lose Spock too so that is why I may have pulled him into a bathroom and sucked him off while we were deciding on venues for the memorial service.

 

I just realized that that was probably Spock’s first time engaging in any sort of sexual activity and I dragged him off for a blow job during the middle of funeral planning for his mother. I really am that awful of a person.

 

Leonard's ex-wife being dead is my fault or at least I feel like it’s my fault. I’m the one who wished that this happened to her. I’m the one who wanted her gone so Leonard wouldn’t have to deal with painful custody hearings. I’m the one who wanted her dead so Jo Jo could have a good family life. Now that that’s happened, I feel like an awful human being for wishing something like that on anyone, even if the woman was not that good of a person.

 

I know it’s ridiculous to feel guilty. If wishes came true, Marc would not have blown his brains out, Gaila would have been my bunkmate on Enterprise, I would be talking with my grandmother about this, and you would be having a lunch with the mother-in-law. Wishes do not come true. It’s nothing more than hopeful thought and yet I still feel sick.

 

I really don’t have time to wallow in self-pity. My to do list is extremely long and I’m just beginning. I already told you about the meeting this morning with the lawyers. Shawn is already working as hard as possible to make sure that the father-in-law monster doesn’t get Jo Jo. Considering that the ex’s lawyers have similar posthumous orders, maybe there can be a good outcome for this absolute nightmare. (Also on my list of things to do is to figure out why the ex's lawyer left the hospital in tears.)

 

I called Dr. Suarez and Dr. Margarita. Dr. Margarita provided the coloring book suggestion and Dr. Suarez had a really long conversation with Leonard that I wasn’t privy to. I don't know what to make of the fact that he was in tears by the time the call was over.

 

Later today, I will look for a funeral planner. Again, I’m not doing this on my own. I did that for Gaila and Amanda’s funeral and I just don’t have it in me. Lane, the sister, is the one who will have to make arrangements. But she’s a rambling mess right now. Definitely worse than Spock last year, or maybe she’s just able to show that she is a mess. I don’t know. But we probably can use professional support regardless.

 

What are your thoughts on cremation versus burial? Cremation is certainly better for the environment, but the family does have an old family only cemetery and maybe Jo Jo would like to visit her mom’s grave at some point. Okay, it is too early in the day to have these thoughts.

 

I also need to actually call you and Spock and let you know what’s happening on the off chance that you actually fixed your special brand of email torture. Or I could actually send this to you consciously, but I’m pretty sure it’s almost 2000 words and it’s a rambling mess.

 

Maybe I should think about stuff that needs to happen now. Leonard needs to at least lay down and eat something. I can hear him in the other room arguing with great Aunt Esther. It’s his fault her niece became an alcoholic. She apparently had a really bright future before the contraceptive failure. Can you see me rolling my eyes as I type this?

 

Okay, I’m just going to text Leonard and tell him to come in here to lay down next to his daughter until we absolutely have to leave for the lawyers. That would be good. I don’t even know what to do with Jo Jo, except to let her cry on my lap hugging her new giant Mickey Mouse plush.

 

This is such a fucking mess.

Xxxxx

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk

To: UhuraNX

Time sent: 7/16/2259 07:05:01

 

Subject: I am so glad I was too busy dealing with family drama to fix your punishment.

 

I tried to call because this is not the sort of conversation you should have in an email, but most of our conversations consist of finding out things via email that you should never ever find out in an email. Of course I couldn’t get through. I hope you guys are just still sleeping. You probably can use it after the two days that you have had.

 

I’m not even going to try to call Bones because he’s probably not up for human contact at the moment. Also I would feel absolutely awful if I woke him up and unlike you, he doesn't put his phone in sleep mode because doctors don't put their phone in sleep mode.

 

So obviously I just read another email that I’m pretty sure you were never planning to actually send me. Or maybe you were hoping I never fixed the email problem so you wouldn’t have to make that phone call. Because really, nobody wants to make that phone call.

 

Personally I’m really happy for your punishment for voyeurism still being in place since you have yet call me and tell me that Leonard’s ex-wife is now dead and I'm guessing that it happened two days ago judging by some of the things said in your message. Remember the auto forward doesn't kick in for you until 6 AM the day after you write the message.

 

I understand why you didn’t call me. From your long email I can tell that things are really fucked up right now. But I’m your friend and I’m always here to help in any way that I can. If you want us on the next shuttle to Atlanta, we will be. That’s how much Leonard and you mean to me and Spock.

 

Actually, I’m pretty sure Spock is looking at shuttle times, just in case. Just remember that we are here no matter what. Also pass that on to your boyfriend and the baby bear.

 

As for you, it wasn't your fault. I'm not that surprised that Joanna wrapped her car around a tree. Maybe it's because I am the child of multiple alcoholics, but I always felt like there was something off with her.

 

Also being the child of multiple alcoholics, I have realized that I don't have any control over their actions. I want my mom to get better. I really do, but she's the one who's going to have to do it. You can't help somebody who will not help themselves.

 

It's not your fault that you didn't see the signs. You weren't even there. Neither was Leonard and you just know that he's going to be blaming himself. It's what Leonard does.

 

Wishes don't make bad things happen. People make bad things happen and it's all a matter of choice. Maybe other Spock will disagree with me, but I don't think there's such a thing as predestination. Actually, the fact that I am a completely different Jim Kirk proves that. We are who we make ourselves to be. The only path we have to follow is the one we created.

 

PS: Despite the benefits, Spock just made me fix the punishment. He is really upset about me now knowing about the blowjob funeral planning thing.

 

Yes, that was his first sexual encounter, but apparently there’s just some things you don’t want your husband to find out. Which I don’t get in this case because my husband knows far worse things about my sexual history like some of the nonconsensual parts of it.

 

PPS: Sulu’s sister also does funerals, in addition to weddings and baby showers because she believes in being full-service. Actually, she added funerals after the nightmare that was her grandfather's. She may not work in the Atlanta area, but she probably knows somebody who does. You did put an ambush wedding together in about 24 hours, despite going through what you were going through so I have faith in you.

 

XXXXXX

From: UhuraNX

To: Jim_Spock-Kirk

Time sent: 7/16/2259 11:39:02

 

Subject: Re: I am so glad I was too busy dealing with family drama to fix your punishment.

 

 

Tell Spock I love him for ever and ever for doing that. I learned my lesson. I will not use my executive privileges to look at your really private emails with your husband, especially any that border on pornographic and that includes reading over Spock’s shoulder. Seeing a message like that by accident one time was bad enough. Also, therapy journals will now be off limits.

 

Calling you really was on my list of things to do. I just got distracted by dealing with things I had to deal with first like feeding and clothing the three in my house who were in a state of complete shock. Thankfully, there is such a thing as breakfast delivery and Starfleet dress uniforms are the appropriate length for a 10-year-old and do not look like a uniform if you put on a nice sweater over it.

 

I hope Chan changes that simply because she doesn’t want her daughter walking around in a uniform that practically shows her ass.

 

The reason why Jo Jo had to play Starfleet dress up yesterday was her evil grandfather would not let us even go to Jo Jo’s house to get her things. Maybe he was afraid that we would take something valuable out of the house since he’s so sure he’s going to get everything.

 

If Joanna never got over Leonard getting her pregnant, I doubt she ever got over her overbearing dad forcing her to go through with the pregnancy and into a loveless shotgun marriage. Well, loveless on her part. Despite the bitterness, Leonard’s been crying a lot since we arrived at a Georgia hospital only to find out that in spite of all the medical advancements in the world, nothing could bring her back.

 

I just got back from a trip to the mall to get Jo Jo something appropriate for this afternoon's emergency custody hearing. The stuff we picked out at yesterday's emergency trip to Walmart would not work for a court hearing.

 

Yes, I was so desperate I went to a big box store. You know I have mixed feelings about all big box retail stores. However, I may have spent a small fortune on Barbie dolls, real old-fashioned coloring books, and genuine color pencils. At least it will keep her occupied for when she is with her child advocate.

 

So in addition to funeral stuff, we also have an emergency custody hearing because somebody couldn't wait until after his daughter's funeral to do this. So much fun. I really hope that the judge will listen to what Jo Jo wants.

 

The good news is we now have a funeral planner to put together everything while we are dealing with custody hearings. Great minds think alike and I already called our mutual wedding planner friend before even reading your email. His name is Jaden and he used to work with Sulu’s sister until his wife took a tenured position at UF Georgia.

 

Now if only the family would agree with Joanna’s wishes instead of doing what they want, things would be so much better. Also, at least half the family thinks I’m the slut that Leonard left her for. Thankfully, the other half of the family know what really went down.

 

If I fall to the ‘redshirt curse’, promise me that I will be cremated promptly and you spread my ashes somewhere pretty on the next shore leave and maybe you can have cheesecake afterwards. No memorial service or anything similar. I’m not kidding. Seriously, promise me this.

 

You made the right decision not calling Leonard. He is not ready for verbal conversation of any type. We haven’t talked too much. He’s mad and I don’t know who he’s mad at. Right now we are just trying to focus on figuring out what’s best for Jo Jo. I think in the short term being with her dad is the best, but long-term is a whole other set of questions. Leonard has another two years on his Starfleet contract. That’s a discussion for later.

 

Maybe you can send a card or write an email. Okay, I wouldn’t turn down an edible arrangement or a sympathy gift basket. You know I like chocolate. You don’t need to come. Your mom needs to be your priority at the moment. We can get through this.

 

I’ll call later or maybe tomorrow. I have no idea how long things will take with the judge. I also have no idea how long our consult with the funeral planner will be.

Xxxxx

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk

To: McCoyL

 

Subject: I’m sorry for your loss.

Time Sent: 7/16/2259 12:31:01

So Nyota told me what happened. I’m writing because you’re too busy dealing with your ex-wife’s dysfunctional family for a call. I know that things have always been contentious with you and Joanna, but in the beginning I know that you really did love her. And even if things fell apart in the end, she’s your daughter’s mother and that’s always going to mean something.

 

I thought about sending you a bourbon bouquet, but that seems in poor taste considering the circumstances. Nyota said edible arrangements, but if I remember correctly, Jo Jo is allergic to pineapple and pineapple is a main ingredient in every single arrangement. Nobody needs anaphylaxis at a time like this.

 

I could come down. I offered, but Nyota said not to. Do you need me to come down? Just pick up the communicator and I will be on the first flight out.

 

No, it’s not because I want to get away from my mother, brother, or his new girlfriend. Kevin is screwing Chan’s daughter. If he ends up fucking that up, I will end up shoveling snow on Delta Vega or working for my father-in-law, especially because I set them up.

 

Speaking of father-in-laws, I heard that you’re having to deal with your former father-in-law. Even under good circumstances, that would just be awful. I saw firsthand what a nightmare he could be when he showed up at your apartment to collect Jo Jo that one time the lawyers arranged a visitation.

 

I’m also sorry for Jo Jo. Losing a parent is hard. I don’t remember George very well, but losing Sam was awful. Half the time he really was the good parent. I’m still trying to deal with losing Chris. I’m taking it a day at a time. That’s really the only way.

 

If she needs someone to talk to who went through all this crap at way too young of an age, you know how to get a hold of me, especially because Spock has given me communicator privileges again. Did I tell you that he threw my PADD out the window? Why did I marry him?

Xxxx

 

“I have no idea.” Leonard thought to himself as he slowly sipped his third cup of coffee for the morning while reading and it wasn’t even 6 AM yet. He couldn’t sleep. He hasn’t really slept at all since he had the unpleasant task of waiting with his former sister-in-law to get the news that Joanna was no longer with them. Lane literally broke down in his arms even though she knew this was a possibility the moment the paramedics called her.

 

Jo Jo cried. Then she hit him twice and then locked herself in the ladies bathroom. Nyota retrieved her with a candy bar. Honestly, he would’ve been lost without her these last 3 days.

 

He’s been in a constant state of confusion, just going through the motions, trying to figure out what to say or do. There’s a certain sense of guilt that one encounters when someone they once loved self-destructs and you are helpless to stop it.

 

When did Joanna become an alcoholic? She always drank heavy sometimes, but not this bad. When did she get to the point of getting so snickered on Gin that she wrapped her vintage car around the damn tree?

 

If she was driving a modern vehicle, this would not have even happened. Most vehicles nowadays have a substance abuse detection sensor and switch into auto drive if it decides that the person behind the steering wheel is too wasted to actually drive. Some were even programed to drive you to the hospital if it detects your blood alcohol level was dangerously high.

 

Now as Lane and he were in a guilt fog, Nyota held things together. She arranged for a funeral planner and food delivery. Of course she did all of this after calling the lawyers. Leonard was glad she did that so early. It was necessary to keep Jocelyn out of the hands of her maternal grandfather.

 

There was no love lost between Leonard and the judge. He’s always felt the man was a monster. Always caring more about appearances than the reality of the situation. He was always worried about what he did to make Joanna so docile and submissive to his every whim. Part of him was worried that she was using those same techniques on Jo Jo, but it doesn’t really matter now.

 

Apparently the man had a reputation for not being a good parental figure. The fact that Lane testified against him and Joanna's legal team explicitly stated that they would be fine with anybody, but Joanna’s father worked in Leonard’s favor. He was shocked that Joanna's lawyer is now helping him. For the moment, he has temporary custody. The issue will be revisited in two weeks’ time, but he will worry about that in two weeks.

 

There’s too many more pressing things like going shopping again for bedroom things for a 10-year-old. This would be a lot easier if Jo Jo's grandfather would let them get Jo Jo’s stuff from Joanna’s house, but he was being his prick self. Maybe Jo Jo wouldn’t be curled around Nyota if she had her teddy bear. He could still see them from the sitting room because he left the door open for that purpose.

 

Because he could see a sleeping Nyota he was surprised to see an email from her pop up in his mailbox. He wouldn’t have been a couple of days ago, but Nyota told him that Jim emailed her earlier to say that her punishment was over for her voyeuristic tendencies.

From: UhuraNX

To: McCoyL

 

Subject: It wasn’t your fault. 

Time saved: 7/16/2259 22:56:31

Time Sent: 7/17/2259 06:00:01

 

So Jim told me that if I start drafting this email and save it, you won’t see it. I’m not sure if I should trust him or not, but since I’m planning to discuss this with you in a couple of days once we scatter JoJo’s mom’s ashes, I guess I should use this as a test. I need to get my thoughts together before we talk about stuff anyway.

 

I can understand why you’re blaming yourself and I know that you are because I may have done that myself the first day. You know that the day this all happened I wished that she would just have a heart attack and leave us alone. It’s been a few days so the rational part of my brain is starting to return at least in this regard. Also Jim emailed me some sage words of wisdom.

 

Then again it’s been years and I still blame myself for Marc’s suicide. No matter how many times I’m told it’s not my fault. There are days when I still think it is because I didn’t stop it. I saw all the signs and I read them all wrong.

 

You’re probably going over every interaction you’ve had with Jocelyn for the last 11 years. You’re wondering how you could’ve missed the signs that she had a drinking problem. You're also purposely forgetting the fact that you weren’t here and even Jo Jo had no idea that her mother's daily glass of orange juice was 50% Gin. Only her lawyer boyfriend did which is why he went to the judge himself after the fight that led to her close encounter with a tree.

 

Slimy lawyer Number one may have confessed all of this to me when Lane and I went out to get food. That’s why he’s helping us keep Jo Jo away from her grandfather. Other than sleeping with his client, maybe he is not a complete monster. He probably feels just as guilty about what happened as you do. If they didn’t have a fight about her harassing us at Disneyland, she wouldn’t have left his office abruptly after drinking half a bottle and then she wouldn’t have wrapped the Mercedes around the tree.

 

I bet you are even blaming yourself for her getting a hold of the vintage family heirloom of a car in the divorce. I’ve been told many times that you’re not responsible for the choices other people make. I’m not sure if you’ll believe me when I say that because I don't always believe that, but maybe in this case, we both need to.

 

Anyway, we can’t let it control us. We have other things to worry about, like funeral services with people who hate us and will readings that will descend into bedlam.

 

Then there’s the more permanent custody situation. I have no doubts that you’re going to get full custody, but others are less optimistic.

 

The lawyer boyfriend suggested that we have a better shot of fighting your former father-in-law if we apply as a couple. Allegedly, that was what Joanna was scared of, especially in light of the fact that I moved here with you so you would have a better shot at partial custody. That’s why she went after me at the hearing last week.

 

Apparently, two-parent households are still favored even if we are more committed to Jo Jo in the eyes of the law than to each other. I’ve always believed that children are more permanent than marriage. I think my parents would have divorced a long time ago if they never had me.

 

If it comes to that, I will file jointly with you. I’ll even go to my mom and get special permission for Jo Jo to be on Enterprise. A couple of weeks ago she told me that she regretted being forced to leave me with grandma and in boarding school for the sake of her Starfleet career. Now that she managed to get to the top of the metaphorical mountain, maybe she will be willing to fix that mistake.

 

I really don’t want to ask my mom for a favor, but I’ll do it for you. I love you. I’m pretty sure I already love Jo Jo too. I figured it out when my heart broke because she’s in so much pain. I’m not letting either of you go. We’ll figure this out. All three of us.

 

PS: If Jim lied and you actually see this, remind me to ask Shawn about the importance of posthumous attorney-client privilege.

 

Xxxxx

 

He puts the PADD down and pours another cup of coffee. He’ll need more caffeine to deal with this. Damn Jim and his so-called computer savviness. He either lied or is nowhere near as good with computers as he thinks he is and couldn’t undo his own little punishment. Just as he was about to reply to Jim’s earlier email and give the man a piece of his mind, the doorbell rang.

 

It was probably flowers or maybe somebody had breakfast delivered. He hoped it was breakfast because if somebody is dropping off flowers at 6:14 AM, than they had serious issues. The person at the front door did have breakfast, but they were not alone.

 

“Jim, what are you and the hobgoblin doing here?”

 

To be continued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to pay your writer with reviews. Since, I really have a good 18 inches of snow outside, your reviews will keep me warm. Also, if the power stays on that means more writing since I probably will not be leaving the house until Tuesday. Seriously, I have so much snow right now, I cannot even open my front door. I’ll probably Tweet out some more pictures on twitter. I misscar there as well.


	38. Hey princess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. Your reviews always keep me in a very happy place. 
> 
> Warning: All of the letters in this chapter take place before the last scene in the previous chapter. I decided it was best to stay focused on Nyota and Leonard instead of breaking the flow to see emails from Jim and Spock. Keep an eye on the timestamps in this chapter. They will be your friend.
> 
> Also, this is the first all email chapter we’ve had in a while. That was not the original plan, but I decided that the dialogue section in this chapter should be the beginning of the next chapter because I just felt like I had to end on that final letter. You will understand once you read it. 
> 
> Grab a tissue. Things will get intense.

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

To: PrincessJojo

 

Time sent: 7/15/2259 18:07:21

 

Subject: I hope you had fun with your dad and Nyota at Disneyland of Georgia

 

Hey princess.

Sorry, long time no email. I did pick you up lots of trinkets from my honeymoon. Yes, I know you’re still mad about not getting to go to the wedding, but in my defense, we were not planning a real wedding. It was just supposed to be a marriage license and court house thing. Nyota ambushed us.

 

However, because Spock’s dad is equally disappointed that we got married without him, we are going to be having a do ever wedding on New Vulcan in December. Maybe the lawyers can work something out and you can still be our flower girl.

 

I already heard that Shawn is a miracle worker and managed to get you Disneyland time. Did you have fun with your dad and Nyota? Do you actually like Nyota? She’s a cool person, but in your last email you told me that your mom told you that she has horns and a pitchfork which explains why you asked me what planet she is from. Nyota is from Earth and that was hyperbole. Your mom is just having a hard time adjusting to your dad dating someone new. I would say it gets better, but I never really had to deal with that.

 

Did you eat all the food that I know your mom doesn't let you? Did you get to go on all the fun rides? Were you able to dress up as your favorite princess or did your mom say no? Let's be honest your mom doesn't let you do a lot of fun things. She probably doesn't even want me writing to you. But you'll be 18 in 7.2 years. Then you can do whatever you want.  

 

Anyway, I miss you and hope to see you very soon when we visit your dad and Nyota in Georgia. What do you want me to bring you from middle of nowhere Iowa? I have nothing to do but shop between family drama. Be glad you’re an only child. Kevin managed to get us kicked out of a restaurant because he’s a toddler.

 

Xxxxxx

 

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

To: PrincessJojo

 

Time sent: 7/16/2259 06:08:21

 

Subject: Message recall: I hope you had fun with your dad and Nyota at Disneyland of Georgia

This message has been recalled.

 

From: Google-Federation_system_administrator

 

To: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

Time sent: 7/16/2259 06:08:45

 

Subject: Message recall: I hope you had fun with your dad and Nyota at Disneyland of Georgia

 

Recall of this message was unsuccessful.

xxxxxx

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

To: PrincessJojo

 

Time sent: 7/16/2259 06:14:21

 

Subject: Please disregard the earlier email.

 

Hey princess.

 

So could you ignore that last email? I sent it before I talked to Nyota. Well I didn’t talk to Nyota because she’s not picking up my calls since I’m sure you guys are busy with other things. But she did email me yesterday, I just didn’t get it until a few minutes ago.

 

If you want to talk I’m here. I’m always available, princess.

Xxxxx

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk

To: Spock_Grayson

Time sent: 7/16/2259 06:47:34

Subject: I am an expert at making a complete ass of myself

 

Did you know that it's not possible to recall messages from a different email provider? I just found that out. One would think that after over 250 years of evolution, email providers would find a way to work around that.

 

I'm pretty sure I completely put my foot in my mouth with Jo Jo yesterday, but in my defense, I did not know her mom wrecked her car into a tree at the time. It would have been nice if somebody called us and told us what was going on.

 

 Yes, I could break into JoJo’s account and delete the message, but you threatened to withhold sex privileges if I do something like that again without speaking to you and 10-year-old girls check their email religiously even if their world is falling down around them so I'm probably already screwed. Actually it’s even more likely because she probably wants to read happy messages from her friends. So totally screwed.

 

No, I wasn’t able to get a hold of Nyota, but I was able to access police reports from Georgia and no, I didn't do anything illegal. We really do put everything on the net now. Leonard's ex-wife had a BCL of .16 A.k.a. double the legal limit when her Mercedes went headfirst into a nice Georgia pine on the freeway at over 140 km an hour. You can see where this is going even with all the breakthroughs in science.

 

The whole thing happened while they were at Disneyland, which makes me really glad because my little princess wasn’t in the car. Although I have this feeling that Jo Jo will never look at Mickey Mouse the same way again. That's so sad.

 

Should we go down there for the funeral? Bones' relationship has always been really complicated with his ex-wife, but it’s a lot worse with her father. I feel like he’s going to need the emotional support. But at the same time, I feel like I need to be here as well. I think we had a breakthrough last night with Winona agreeing to go to the center in Berkeley. Part of me feels like we need to move her in there before she changes her mind and I don’t know if Kevin can deal with that. I have a meeting this morning to discuss it with mom’s beautiful team of psychiatrists.

 

At the same time, you should probably keep looking for shuttle times to Georgia. I know you’re doing it anyway. I will write Nyota to see what's really going on because she has yet to take any of my calls in the last hour which is the whole reason why I ended up looking for police reports in the first place. Then I will apologize profusely to a 10-year-old for being an insensitive dick if she ever writes me back. She’s probably blocking my emails for what I wrote earlier.

 

PS: I deactivated Nyota's punishment. You and I will no longer receive the emails that she writes to us that she never intends for us to actually see. Do I get a blowjob now?

 

From: Spock_Grayson

To: Jim_Spock-Kirk

Time sent: 7/16/2259 07:23:34

Subject: I do not entirely agree with your earlier subject line

 

I will not reward you with sexual favors for doing something you should do anyway. I have already found several options for travel to Georgia in the next 48 hours. Let me know soon if we actually are going so I can finalize travel arrangements. I will leave the decision to you, but I will support your choice.

 

I will also pick up bagels for our breakfast with your mother and brother. Are you still planning on joining us after your meeting with your mother's team of physicians?

 

 I doubt that Jo Jo will hold what you wrote against you simply due to the fact that you were ignorant of the true circumstances of the situation. I did eventually forgive you for your inappropriate comments regarding my mother and those were intentional.

 

Although, please do not refer to yourself by such derogatory terms, especially in an email to a young adolescent.

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk

To: Spock_Grayson

Time sent: 7/16/2259 08:07:34

Subject: I’m well aware I am an asshole, but you love me anyway.

In my defense, it was a life or death situation at the time. Also I can be as self-deprecating as I want to be. With your help, I’ve slowly accepted that the entire Vengeance fuck up was not entirely my fault, but let me take responsibility for accidentally sending an insensitive email to a 10-year-old. Even if I have issues with or rather had issues with Jo Jo’s mom, I shouldn’t have said anything.

 

I’m just thankful that I had enough decorum not to refer to the woman as a bitch because, contrary to what you believe, I know better. I will not curse in the email to a 10-year-old. Really, I’m not that bad.

You should probably save me a bagel. I just have a feeling that my meeting with the medical team is going to last way too long.

 

From: PrincessJojo

 

To: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

Time sent: 7/16/2259 09:43:12

 

Subject: You know, don’t you?

XXXXXX

 

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

To: PrincessJojo

 

Time sent: 7/16/2259 10:53:54

 

Subject: Re: You know, don’t you?

 

Hey princess.

 

Yes, I know what happened. Even though I had some differences with your mom over the years, I’m sorry that she’s gone. I know that you loved your mom a lot and losing a parent is... It sucks. I can't think of any other words to use. Spock is going to be mad at me because he told me not to curse in my emails to you, but if you’ve dealt with the loss of a parent, you’re allowed to hear curse words. That’s my rule and I’m sticking to it.

 

I just realized that I don’t think you’ve ever met my husband. Have you guys talked over the comm? Probably not since we haven’t been able to recently due to certain situations that will no longer be a problem. I think you would like Spock. He's a cuddly teddy bear. You could actually meet him in person, if you want us to come down for the funeral.

 

I offered the same thing to Nyota earlier, but I haven’t heard back from her yet.

 

My mailbox is always open, no matter what, even if you just want to talk about comic books. Actually you probably want to talk about comic books instead of dead parents. No one likes talking about that. My adopted brother Kevin never talked about his birth parents, not until recently. They both died when he was about your age.

 

Spock doesn’t like to talk about his mom dying either. It's probably the entire reason I have an algorithm set up to send special emails to my husband that I never plan for him to actually read except that secretly I do because we have a really unique relationship. But it's worked well so far. Just remember, I’m available.

Xxxxx

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk

To: Spock_Grayson

Time sent: 7/16/2259 12:21:34

Subject: You and my brother are not allowed to talk to each other unless there are chaperones

 

I really had no idea the conversation with the doctors would take that long. Let's just say they’re not completely on board with the Berkeley plan. Dr. Suarez’s niece is, but the others, not so much. Although that could be because her cousin works there. Bonus points for that.

So not only did you guys manage to eat my bagel, but you and Kevin were all buddy buddy with my mom when I walked in. Seriously, what the fuck? What happened while I was gone?

 

They pretty much told me to go to Georgia to be with my friends and not worry about what's going on. Also mom cried a lot and kept apologizing over and over again for her inability to stay on the wagon. It was kind of crazy. You missed it because you excused yourself to get me food which you still haven’t returned with. This better be some cheeseburger, since I’m extremely hungry.

 

Nyota finally wrote back. She says not to come, but I'm reading in between the lines and I think she really does need us there. Jo Jo wrote me as well. Okay, her message barely said anything, but I think the fact that she hardly wrote anything worries me more than anything else. Therefore, I am leaning towards hopping on the first shuttle to Georgia.

 

I’m still conflicted though. Yes, Kevin and mom said to go onto Atlanta, but I’m not sure if I want to leave Kevin with the relocation responsibilities even though Kevin said they could handle it. Especially in light of the fact that the doctor vote is 2 to 1 against moving to Berkeley because they’re worried about a relapse. Of course the only doctor I actually like is for it and really, she’s the only one I listen to.

 

I'm forwarding you Nyota’s original email to me. You understand her better than me. What is she really saying? I wrote to both Leonard and Jo Jo, but I haven’t received anything back yet. Of course I just sent Bones’ email like less than half an hour ago. Never mind, Jo Jo just wrote back. See, I told you teenage girls check their email religiously.

 

Hurry back. I want bathroom sex.

 

PS: I also want my cheeseburger. Seriously, did you have to eat my bagel? I never realized you were a stress eater until this trip.

 

Xxx

 

From: PrincessJojo

 

To: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

Time sent: 7/16/2259 12:18:21

 

Subject: Re: You know, don’t you?

 

It's OK. You didn't know yet. Grandpa has said much worse in the last day alone.

 

Yes, she didn't let me do a lot of things, but that doesn't mean that I wanted her to die. I just wanted to live with my daddy. I told her that in the car on the way to meet daddy to go to Disneyland. Do you think that's why she got drunk and drove into a tree?

 

I know that's why the car accident happened. They're trying not to tell me, but I’m 10 years old, not a baby. I can look stuff up on the Internet too. Also, these walls are ridiculously thin. I can hear the conversation with mom's boyfriend/lawyer Jonathan through the walls.

 

I knew that she wasn’t okay. It didn’t take me that long to realize that mom's special jug of orange juice was mostly vodka. I also found her passed out in the living room when I got home from school more than once. I’ve gotten very good at grilled cheese sandwiches because of that. But she told me not to say anything to the judge or daddy about it so I didn’t. Do you think if I did she would be alive right now?

 

I haven’t seen any of my friends yet. They come by, but I’m just not ready to talk to anybody. Not even daddy or Nyota. Actually, you’re the only one I’ve talked to because you get it. I hear daddy talking about your mom being in rehab. So unlike everyone else you know exactly what this is like.

 

PS: If you do decide to come down, bring chocolate chip pancakes and blueberry muffins.

 

PSS: Can you bring me a new Starfleet Barbie doll. Now that mom is dead, I guess I don’t have to worry about her throwing it out again when she’s mad or rather drinking her special orange juice.

 

Xxx

  
From: KirkKR

 

To: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

Time sent: 7/16/2259 12:47:39

 

Subject: I can handle mom, go to Georgia

 

 

Seriously can you and your husband go an hour without having sex? We can hear you.

 

That being said, the last couple of days have been intense and we acted like five-year-olds on many occasions, which may explain why your husband led you to the bathroom to relieve some tension. It’s cheaper than paying for renovations after a food fight gone wrong. I still can't believe we got banned from that restaurant.

 

I think I'm just angry because I'm realizing how much stuff you kept from me over the last few years. Now that I’m here dealing with everything firsthand, maybe I'm just mad at myself for not seeing what was really going on. I really made myself think that all those little bottles of vodka I found in strange places were gifts. Apparently it’s not normal to keep a pitcher of mimosas in the fridge.

 

After the Tarsus fiasco, I just wanted something in my life to be normal. Therefore, I was looking at life through rose colored glasses. It's so easy to believe the lies that we tell ourselves so we think that everything is OK.

 

Things are not OK. They haven't been for a long time, if ever. We were just going through the motions and then you died and we couldn't pretend anymore that things were OK. THEY WERE NEVER OKAY. Your temporary death just made everything fall apart. Maybe that's the wrong way to phrase it. Things were in pieces. They always have been. We just didn't realize that they were in pieces until the façade was blown away.

 

You were the one who kept everything together and then, with you gone, even if it was only temporary, everything just came undone and now we have to stop pretending. We actually have to put things back together correctly this time, instead of just glossing over it with pretty paint and glitter or at least that’s what Liz said. She’s better about this sort of thing than me.

 

I think I realized that I can’t let you do all the heavy lifting. I need to be an active participant this time. Maybe I couldn't before because I was too young or more likely, because I was too fucked up from the Tarsus fiasco. I wanted something better, something happy, so I pretended we were this perfect happy family. It’s what I needed at the time to deal with Tarsus. I’m really good at giving into my own delusions. Even after you ran away to San Francisco because you couldn’t deal with us without several hundred miles in between.

 

I’m not that little kid who just got back from hell. I’m an adult and I have to start acting like one. Which means dealing with Winona headfirst without you here to play buffer.

 

Go to Georgia because I think you're pseudo-niece needs you more than I do right now. Because she is actually 10 and dealing with the realization that she couldn’t save her mom. She’s too young to realize you can’t save somebody who doesn’t want to be saved, whereas I’m 18 and at least mom wants to do better. That’s something, right?

 

 Yes, I read her message to you over your shoulder. Seriously, by now you should know to be careful when reading your PADD in public. Actually you should lock your PADD before you go out into the hallway to talk to your boyfriend about the message you just read and how you should respond, which somehow becomes you and him screwing in the bathroom next door. Again, I can hear you.

 

Don’t complain to me about the spying. You sent Liz my personal email. Therefore, I have the right to spy on you. It's a little brother’s prerogative.

 

Just do what you need to do to be there for your friends. I will take care of mom. I will get her settled into the place in Berkeley once the other Dr. Suarez says she’s ready to go. Help the real little kid. I can handle this on my own.

 

You can't save everyone. Sometimes you have to save yourself.

Xxxxxxx  
From: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

To: KirkKR

 

Time sent: 7/16/2259 14:04:39

 

Subject: You are a mean little brother and think you.

 

Good thing you broke into my personal PADD and not my Starfleet PADD. I know you broke in because I always lock my PADD if I leave it unattended. I didn’t even leave it unattended. I left it in my bag which you had to go through to get. I’m seriously kicking myself for teaching you how to break passwords. I should have never taught you how to do that stuff.

 

I would say that I hate you, but I did send Liz your personal email so I guess we’re even, even though I had to listen to you guys for the last few days. You two are so much worse than me and Spock. We were not having sex in the bathroom. We were just talking and maybe some kissing was involved.

 

Last night I heard you refer to Liz as God 45 times. Spock counted. We were thinking about turning it into a drinking game, but I’m not allowed to drink and that would be in really poor taste, considering.

 

Also, I really don't need to hear you realizing that sex is so much better when you're with someone you actually care about. You are my brother. I don't need to know that. Also, once I get back to San Francisco, I’m going to have to meet with Chan and I would like to be able to keep a straight face in her office.

 

After talking with Spock, (and seriously, it was just talking) we decided to go on to Georgia. Jo Jo needs extra help and us kids of alcoholics need to stay together. We are going to take an early morning flight so I can inform mom in person that I am abandoning her for a 10-year-old who is blaming herself for not telling anybody that her mom also keeps vodka laced orange juice in the fridge.

 

However, I will be just a short call away. Thank you again for doing this.

Xxxxx

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

To: PrincessJojo

 

Time sent: 7/16/2259 14:19:21

 

Subject: What Happened Wasn’t Your Fault

 

Hey Princess

 

What happened with your mom was not your fault. Let me repeat that again. What happened was not your fault. I know you’re not ready to accept that, but maybe someday you will. But I’m going to keep repeating that until you do.

 

Alcoholism is a disease and it's a bad one. Thanks to your bad habit of listening to other people’s conversations, you know that my mom is an alcoholic along with being bipolar. In her case, alcoholism started as a means to self-medicate. Winona has good days and bad days.

 

Right now she's in rehab again, so I guess I should consider that a good day because she is in rehab and she told me that she wants to get better this time which is half the battle. Because no matter how much I really wish she would get better and stop drinking, the only person who could make her stop drinking was her.

 

Maybe your mom told you otherwise, but you're not the reason why she's couldn’t get by without putting vodka in her breakfast beverages. Your mom had problems that had nothing to do with you whatsoever. That’s probably why she told you not to say anything to the judge. I didn't know her that well, so I don't know what they were, but even if she tried to blame you for everything going wrong, you had nothing to do with it. Just keep that in mind when the guilt starts to be too much.

 

Part of you probably thinks that if you told the judge what was going on, she would not be dead right now. You can’t play that game. Again, if your mom didn't want to get better, there was little you could do.

 

I know that's hard to accept. I'm an adult and it's hard for me to accept that I couldn't fix my mom. I wanted to. I always wanted to. I blamed myself for so long for her drinking problem. I always thought that if I wasn't born, then maybe dad would still be alive and she would be happy. It took me a long time to realize that I wasn't why she was drinking. Winona had her own issues that were independent of me and I can’t put all of that on myself because it will only hurt me in the process.

 

You’re 10 so you're not going to get this. I'm 26 and I barely get it and sometimes I don't, but I'm trying.

 

It's OK to be sad. Your mom had issues, but it's OK for you to still love her. She was your mom despite her problems. I know it hurts right now. I won't say it gets better because it's not better just different. The pain doesn't feel as sharp as time goes on. It stops permeating everything. It just becomes manageable and then, one day in the future, you realize that you're smiling again and it's OK.

 

Anyway, we’re coming in the morning. At this point there’s no point in me staying in Iowa because my mom is getting ready to move to Berkeley. She thinks that being closer to all of us will help and I’m willing to try.

 

 

Xxxxxx

From: Winona_K

 

To: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

Time sent: 7/17/2259 00:12:52

 

Subject: What Happened Wasn’t Your Fault

 

I have no idea how to start this email, so I’m just going to turn the microphone on and say whatever I need to say. From your brother’s various rants, I heard you are a fan of the Dr. Suarez school of therapeutic letter writing so I thought I would give it a try because after several days, I still haven't figured out how to say this stuff to you. Now you're on your way to Atlanta to deal with the actualization of my biggest fear.

 

I always felt that someday I would end up like the former Mrs. McCoy. I'm an alcoholic. An alcoholic that keeps relapsing, no matter how many times I go to rehab or how many times I promise myself that I have to do better for you and Kevin. I easily go back into addiction.

 

I've always been afraid that one day, I will run out of second chances and you and Kevin will be left to pull my body out of the wreckage, most likely literally. My only wish would be that there would be no collateral damage.

 

We came so close this time. I was so sure that you followed in your father's footsteps and I couldn't even bother to hear confirmation. I went headfirst into the bottle and didn't come out until Kevin and your friend Nyota snapped me out of it.

 

Actually she slapped me across the face, waking me up from my drunken stupor and then took the bottle out of my hand and poured it out onto the ground. She told me that I couldn't leave you and Kevin. It was the wakeup call I needed. I think that's why I like her.

 

Contrary to what you think, I wasn’t trying to push you to date her. I don't hate your husband. Do I wish that you ended up with somebody not Starfleet? Yes, but I don’t hate Spock. He’s actually quite pleasant, especially when he keeps me in candy bars and puzzle books. I just...

 

Everybody says you're just like your father. Maybe you do look a lot like him, but personality wise, you’re me. We act without thinking and have a tendency to charge headfirst into things.

 

Your father didn't want to take the Kelvin assignment. He thought it would be way too dangerous. I am the one who didn't want a little thing like pregnancy to get in the way of my career. Okay, it was more that I didn’t want sexist idiots in Starfleet to use my children as a means to keep me back. Look where that got us. You without a father and me in a bed at another rehab facility. This is attempt number four, right?

 

Do you think it’s going to take this time? I don’t know. I want it to. You have no idea how much I want to get better. But, I’m starting to realize that it will never work until I acknowledge why I keep picking up that bottle.

 

I drink because I feel guilty that you and Sam grew up without your dad. If I didn't push your father to take that assignment with me, we really would have been the happy family we were supposed to be.

 

I drink because I married Frank and didn’t leave him the moment that he hit me the first time. I drink because I was completely unaware that he was hurting you until it was much too late. Yes, I did stab him in the testicles with a knife, but it still didn't make up for what he did to you. I can’t forgive myself for that.

 

I drink because I got Sam a job on Tarsus with my research team. I should've just let him go to UF Iowa on a full ride, but I was selfish. I wanted at least one of you with me and we all know how that turned out.

 

I drink to keep the ghost of Tarsus away. Years later, I still feel his slimy paws against me. You’re well aware that 1 million showers can’t take that away. I still smell the scent of blood and burning flesh. I still see Sam dying in my arms. You can never un-see genocide. You can never forget about burying your child, even if their grave is light years away.

 

I drink because I never felt like I could be the mom that you and Kevin needed me to be. I felt too damaged. I felt like a failure, as if I couldn't do anything right. It felt like the walls of darkness were closing in upon me, making it so I couldn't see the light. I was suffocated by sadness and bitterness, unable to breathe under the yoke of my guilt and self-loathing. A prisoner of my own making, who ended up in that self-imposed prison because of my wrong decisions.

 

I drink because I thought I lost you. You left for San Francisco without even a phone call. You didn't even bother to drop your motorcycle back at the house. Kevin is still pissed off at you for just giving it away to some stranger.

 

But even within the belly of the beast, I thought you would still come back because you will eventually realize that Starfleet was too rigid for you. Or maybe you would realize that this was the place that killed your father and would be just as angry at that institution as me. Except you didn't, because you have my competitive drive and need to be the best. You had to prove everybody wrong who said that you weren't there on your own merit and you did. You saved Earth.

 

I thought you would leave when you realized that they were just using you as a political pawn. You are smart enough to realize that appointing a 25-year-old straight out of the Academy to the position of Captain is for show, no matter how good they are. You are that good, but just because you're that good doesn't mean that you're ready yet. Sometimes timing is everything. But then you fell in love and you weren't coming back. You would follow him to the edge of the universe.

 

It was just so much easier for me to blame him for you not coming back to me. It's so much easier to blame everybody else than to accept my own faults and shortcomings. It's easier to push people away then to be pushed away.

 

Then you sent me that email and I just knew it was the end. I just knew you were going to do something stupid that would end up killing you. I was sure you believed that you would not be walking out of it this time because we had all this unresolved stuff that you forgave me for.

 

The thought of you never coming back home crushed everything inside of me. I'm not strong enough to bury another child. I'm just not. There's not enough of me left to do it again.

 

I didn't think you would survive. You surely didn't, but somehow you did and everyone tells me that Dr. McCoy is the reason why.

 

If he is the reason you’re still with us, then you need to be there for him and his daughter. Especially her. Because she's going to blame herself when the truth of the matter is her mom was the only one who could make herself stop drinking and she didn't want to, but I do.

 

I realize that I can’t keep doing this. Because if I do, I’m going to end up exactly like her. That is the last thing I want.

 

I need to stop drinking because I have two wonderful sons who need me around regardless of the fact that they’ve both grown to be well-adjusted adults, despite me. I need to stop drinking because I love them both very much and don't want them to have to deal with the fallout of me wrapping my vintage jeep around the nearest tree or ending up in the New Iowa Gorge.

 

I need to stop drinking because the only person responsible for George's death was apparently a very unstable Romulan who is already dead. I have to move past that day. I need to stop drinking because alcohol won't undo what Frank did to you or me. You can’t find absolution in the bottom of a bottle.

 

I need to stop drinking because I would like to be around for my grandchildren. The way that Liz and Kevin are acting right now, I expect to have grandbabies by spring. You and your husband are actually much worse, but at least all your pregnancies are going to be planned if you go that route.

 

I need to stop drinking because I don't want to become Joanna Joslyn McCoy.

 

I need to get better. That means sticking to rehab this time and taking the medication and doing all the therapy exercises even if I think half of them are silly. Thankfully, I no longer think this one is silly. I'm also going to give the sober living community of Berkeley an actual try.

 

Besides I need to be close to Kevin so I can throw cold water on him and Liz before they get too enamored with each other. Although I want grandkids, I better get them from you and your husband first. Chan will kill your brother if he gets her little girl pregnant right now. I need to get him on the shot like yesterday.

 

To be continued


	39. Dysfunctional Funerals in the Heart of Dixie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. I’m glad you all love the last letter for the preceding section. That one really had me in tears. This chapter picks up right after Jim reads the letter.

 

“Why are you crying?” Spock asked his husband after finding him in the car crying once he returned from emergency shopping.

 

Despite his dislike for brick-and-mortar stores in general, the Target was the only store in the area open at 5AM that had Barbie dolls and custom replicated formalwear. Both of which they needed to acquire before arriving at Nyota’s house.

 

James believed young Jo Jo needed something to distract her from the pain of her mother’s death, which was why he felt they needed to arrive with Barbies and other toys. The procurement of funeral appropriate attire was necessary because whoever packed their belongings never intended for them to attend a funeral or even go to a nice restaurant that requires a tie.

 

Of course, James left him to pay which resulted in him finding his husband crying with PADD in hand in the rental car. (James’ convertible was now in Kevin’s possession and he promised to drive it safely to San Francisco. James was skeptical but turned over the keys anyway.)

 

“I’m fine.” Spock glared at his husband for a moment because that is a blatant lie.

 

“Okay, I’m fine-ish. Winona wrote me a letter where she acknowledges some of the more screwed up things she did and…” James pauses as he wipes away tears “I’ll let you read it later because I really don’t feel like talking about it or ruining my mascara."

 

"If you were actually wearing mascara, it would already be ruined due to your earlier crying." Spock commented dryly resulting in James smirking him.

 

"I suppose we should just get going because I would hate for our pancakes to get cold.” He said pointing to the box of breakfast food in the back that James got when he left Spock alone to finish shopping.

 

“Did you actually make it to the Barbie aisle or did you go with something science instead? The kid’s mom just died. Fun toys are best.” James asked.

 

“Yes. Are you aware that Starfleet licensed our likeness to make toys?” Spock pulled out a set of dolls that vaguely resembled himself and Nyota. He also procured a doll that look like James, but he is keeping that for himself.

 

“What?” James quickly grabbed the bag from him. “I’m calling our lawyers about this as soon as we are done dealing with dysfunctional funerals in the heart of Dixie.” James said as he turned on the ignition to the car.

 

They arrived at the UF Georgia campus 15 minutes later as James spent the entire time recounting the one time he met any of Dr. McCoy's former in-laws (apparently there was an arrest involved). Thankfully, they were able to find the house where Leonard and Nyota were staying because of the black condolence balloons on the front lawn.

 

“Okay, who actually sends condolence balloons?” James remarked darkly as they made their way to the front door with bags in hand.

 

“Starfleet command.” Spock remarked remembering receiving a similar gesture after his mother’s death. He still found it extremely illogical. Why would balloons make you feel better at the loss of a close family member, especially if they were black? Humans are illogical.

 

“Did you notify the doctor or Nyota of our impending arrival." Spock asked as they approached the door.

 

“Yes. I’m not going to show up unannounced at a place before 7 AM.”

 

“Jim, what are you and the hobgoblin doing here?” The doctor growled as he opened the door. Spock glares at his husband.

 

"Although, I may have just sent the message while you were putting the "I’m sorry you lost your mom" gift bag together.” Jim said as he walked right past the doctor. "We come bearing pancakes and Barbie dolls that are supposed to look like us. Did Starfleet ever ask you to sign a waiver regarding your likeness? I’m pretty sure I never agreed to the Captain Kirk doll.” Jim pulls the doll out of the bag.

 

"They did not have a Dr. McCoy doll." Spock clarified.

 

"Seriously, what the hell are you talking about?" Dr. McCoy asked somewhat dazed.

"Starfleet apparently decided to make Battle of Vulcan playsets without actually consulting us. If I knew they were going to make something that exploitative, I would have made sure they got Spock’s ears right." That was another thing James had complained about on the ride here. "But now Jo Jo has her own future stepmom doll, so it's all good."

 

"Why did you marry this moron again?" The doctor asked, turning to Spock.

 

“Because he left his mother in his brother’s care to be with you and your daughter during your time of bereavement.” Spock replied in his husband's defense.

 

“To help with the bereavement process, we stopped off at Target to get Jo Jo an ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ present.” James is actually stammering at that point.

 

"Okay, it was more of a ‘there is nothing I can do that will make you feel better when you’re crying all the time because you’re convinced that your mom would not be dead if you told somebody about the vodka laced orange juice in the refrigerator, so here have a Barbie doll because I’m absolutely shit at emotional honesty’ present.”

 

Spock already knew about Jo Jo McCoy’s complicated emotional state. James told him everything, which is why he insisted that they come here. He remembers all too well how emotionally compromised he was the year before. Would it be worse for someone so young even if she has more in tune with her emotions?

 

“Fucking hell.” Leonard sits on the couch early. "She really thinks that?” He asked James.

 

“Yes or at least something close to it and apparently telling her over and over again in emails that it’s not her fault wasn’t working so we decided to come in person.” James explained.

 

"And you brought pancakes?"

 

“With bacon and sausage. Enough meat to make our favorite vegetarian sick. Bacon makes everything better.” James said with his ‘I know I'm lying, but just go with it’ smile.

 

"Nothing can make this better. It’s an absolute cluster Fuck. The only good thing that happened during this entire mess was Jo Jo was with us when her mom decided to wrap her car around the damn tree.” The doctor's voice was shrill and even Spock could hear that he was on the verge of tears.

 

"No, nothing can make it better. But you have to maintain your strength if you’re going to spend quality time with your ex-wife’s family and her lawyers." James put an arm around his friend as he sat beside him.

 

"Her lawyer is not a problem. He’s an even worse mess because he was sleeping with her." Dr. McCoy told them. "Which completely explains most of my legal problems."

 

"It really does." James snickered.

 

"Their argument was why she left his office completely wasted. He was tired of covering up her drinking problem and wanted her to go to rehab and you know how that went. That damn lawyer was covering up and I didn’t see that at all. I… She never drank like this before the divorce." Spock could see a tear rolling down the doctor's cheek.

 

"Maybe..." James started to say, but was cut off.

 

"Don’t you dare say that she was already doing the vodka orange juice thing back then. I would’ve noticed it.”

 

"Spock, can you go into the kitchen to make up a couple of plates. And please bring coffee, lots of coffee. I'm going to need at least three more cups to keep from crashing right now.” That is highly possible considering that James has only slept two of the last 38 hours. Spock could function perfectly fine with such a minuscule amount of sleep, but James could not.

 

"I could use six. I've barely slept in days," The doctor actually yawned. That was an ominous sign, considering the doctor was used to sleep deprivation.

 

"See we need coffee, badly."

 

Spock knew that James was sending him away so he could talk to the doctor in private, but he left anyway after kissing James goodbye. Besides they probably didn't need the caffeine. Spock tried very hard not to overhear the conversation due to Vulcan hearing as he uses the coffee maker. However, he could hear the faint sound of crying and various rants against the doctor’s former father-in-law. At this point. Spock decided to make espresso instead because the machine would drown out the sounds of everything else.

 

He walked back into the living room with espresso to find the doctor’s eyes red and James enveloped in a 10-year-old. Nyota stayed off to the side, obviously exhausted even though he knows that she just woke up.

 

"When did you get so big?" Jim said hugging the girl as the doctor grabbed the espresso from him.

 

"While you were in space."

 

"Let’s eat breakfast and then you can tell me about everything else I missed. Also we can play with your Barbies. We can act out some of my great space adventures." James suggested, but the 10-year-old frowned.

 

"We can't do that because I don't have any Barbies here. Grandpa wouldn’t let us bring anything."

 

"That’s why I brought you new Barbies." That resulted in Jo Jo smiling broadly.

 

"Although we might need to go get Starfleet Nyota a new outfit. I know that the female dress uniform is ridiculously short which is why most people on Enterprise wear yoga pants instead of stockings, but this is ridiculous. There is no way that's to scale. You can see her painted on panties when she does a high kick.” James said as he carried Jo Jo into the kitchen. Dr. McCoy followed him, but Nyota stayed behind.

 

"I told Jim that you guys didn’t have to come here. The mom situation needs to come first and I have this." Nyota told him taking that other cup of espresso from him. It was obvious to Spock that she was trying to hold things together. Just like she did last year. It was also obvious to him that she was exhausted.

 

"That situation has mostly resolved itself," except she wrote James a letter that resulted in him breaking down into tears. However, Nyota does not need to know that at this juncture.

 

"Need and want are two different things. We do not necessarily need to be here, but we want to be here." Spock tells her instead.

 

"Thank you." Nyota said, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him into a hug.

 

"You are most welcome."

XXXX

From: Spock_Grayson

To: KirkKR

Time sent: 7/17/2259 10:12:52

Subject: We Have Arrived Safely.

 

Because I am uncertain if James has already contacted you, I felt it best to inform you that we did arrive safely this morning at 3:23 AM local time. I am unsure if this is because James promptly passed out on the couch after breakfast, despite consuming two espressos. I have attached an image of young Miss McCoy on his lap.

 

Please let me know if you need any assistance. The funeral is in two days’ time with a wake tomorrow. If the situation with Winona does deteriorate, we can come back within 4.5 days’ time.

Xxxxxxx

 

From: KirkKR

To: Spock_Grayson

Time sent: 7/17/2259 12:07:52

Subject: That’s Adorable.

I am not even that surprised that Jim managed to pass out, despite his blood being 90% caffeine. My idiot brother has been running himself ragged with mom’s doctors for the last few days. That’s not something you should be doing just weeks after being in a coma. Okay, he’s been running her doctors ragged. They’re kind of happy that they are now dealing with me. Some of them are scared of him, because apparently he used his Captain voice.

 

Thank you for letting me know that you guys arrived safely. Jim has yet to contact me. I assume that’s mostly because of naptime. Just have my idiot brother call or email once he regains consciousness.

 

Don’t try to rush things on my account. Things are going okay with Winona. Actually in four days we might already be in San Francisco or at least making our way there. Dr. Suarez thinks that driving out to California may be good for mom.

 

When Jim wakes up from his nap, let him know I can handle mom on my own, mostly. Do you know if mom wrote Jim a really long email about trying to do better this time around with her sobriety? I got something like that a few hours ago and I’m still not sure how to respond.

 

From: Spock_Grayson

To: KirkKR

Time sent: 7/18/2259 09:07:52

Subject: Re: that’s adorable

 

Yes. James told me that he was planning to email you this morning while he was waiting for me outside of Target, but he found an email from your mother instead which affected him emotionally to the point I found him crying in the rental car. Understandably, he was unable to write to you afterwards.

 

He is also unable to at the moment, since he is distracting Jo Jo by acting out various missions from the last year. Leonard and Nyota needed to meet with their attorney privately about the custody situation. Therefore, we are providing childcare. Actually, James is providing childcare. I am responding to various correspondence.

 

I have also attached more images. I personally prefer those of James and the young Miss McCoy engaging in a tea party.

Xxxxx

From: KirkKR

To: Spock_Grayson

Time sent: 7/18/2259 12:21:52

Subject: Still Adorable

Jim did that a lot when we were growing up, especially when I first got there. I’m sure being the teenager that he was, Jim probably thought that he was too old to play with action figures, but he still played with me. It was one of the few things that helped me… Not necessarily get back to normal, but adjust to a new normal.

 

I didn’t exactly want to talk about Tarsus or my parents and Jim didn’t ask. He just took me to his old playroom and told me to knock myself out. I still have his vintage Spiderman collection in my dorm room. Okay, Miles may actually be on my desk. He is my favorite.

 

If crying was his response, it looks like we got the same email or at least something similar. Tell my big brother to call me tonight. I’m sure his tea party will be over by then.

 

From: Spock_Grayson

To: KirkKR

Time sent: 7/18/2259 13:21:52

Subject: Re: Still Cute

 

I will try. Although that may not be possible due to the fact that we will be at a wake for several hours this evening. You may want to just email James yourself.

PS: Several images from this morning’s tea party are attached.

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

To: KirkKR

 

Time sent: 7/18/2259 14:24:52

 

Subject: Why haven’t you called yet?

So I’ve been getting emails and pictures from your husband about your fun in Georgia, yet you haven’t called or email me yet. I know funerals are emotionally draining, but you can say hi or at least send me some of those cute pictures yourself. Liz loves your hair in ribbons.

 

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

To: KirkKR

 

Time sent: 7/18/2259 20:43:52

 

Subject: Sorry I should’ve called.

Sorry, I’ve kind of been avoiding my email since I got one of mom’s apology letters. Apparently, you got something similar. Although I still should’ve called and I probably would’ve if Bones’ former father-in-law did not throw most of the communicators in the house down the recycler unit because he was being a dick.

 

I can’t even tell you why he did it because of a gag order. Yes, I’m now under a gag order. Yes, cops are involved. Yes, there’s tons of lawyers involved. It really is that bad. Actually, it’s worse because the funeral planner had to hire extra security to keep Leonard and his former father-in-law at least 50 feet away from each other at all times, after things went bad this morning. If the wake was this bad, the funeral will be worse.

 

I just want to say that being here makes our family seem functional. No wonder Leonard’s ex-wife was so screwed up if she was raised by that nightmare. I don’t know what’s worse, seeing his granddaughter as a piggy bank or carrying on like he has his trophy wife on a leash. I want to punch the bastard out.

 

Honestly, I think he’s more concerned with the reception afterwards than actually mourning his daughter. Actually, he’s more concerned with what the caterers are preparing. Seriously who gets a funeral catered? Apparently, she who will not be named. She had a menu in place, along with an entire funeral binder. Although I’m wondering if she did that to appease her father. Apparently she had issues. But what do you expect from a family that names the first born daughter Joslyn or JoAnn.

 

Things here are fucked up and I’m not even talking about the fact that the cops were called in twice in the last 24 hours. Considering our family, you’d think that I would be able to deal with this, but we are actually pretty well-adjusted by comparison.

 

The ex-wife’s sister is the only member of that family that is not a raving lunatic or an absolute bitch. Okay, the security is really here for me because I almost punched out Bones’ former father-in-law at least twice in the last hour alone. I’m hiding here at the wake because I can’t deal with this.

 

So outside of funeral planning, brawls, and lawyer’s visits, Bones is a weepy mess who’s trying to keep it all together for his baby girl who’s even more screwed up. The guy is nowhere near okay at the moment. He may not be drinking alcohol, but he’s practically mainlining caffeine.

Nyota is holding on by a thread mostly because the family is being so nasty to her. My God, all she’s trying to do is give a decent send off to a woman who doesn’t deserve it for the sake of her only child. But they can’t see that. So instead they are being nasty to the sweetest person on the planet.

 

Like it’s Nyota and Leonard’s fault that the woman became an alcoholic? That was all on her. The challenging of the custody arrangements had nothing to do with the incident.

 

Okay, I realize I’m ranting because I can’t say any of this out loud especially to Spock because he’s already 30 seconds from nerve pinching pretty much everyone and I know the security team can’t take him down.

 

How’s everything going with mom? Do you know when you’ll be moving to Berkeley? Spock said it’s possible before we even get back.

 

Okay, what I really want to ask is how do you help a small child deal with losing a parent? Yes, I lost George, but it’s hard to miss something you never really had. I’ve lost Chris and it still hurts like hell, but I’m a big boy now and I have more tools to deal with it than I did when I lost a Dr. Alayna. I was a fucked up mess and made lots of bad decisions, several of which resulted in me getting arrested.

 

I’m worried. I’m typing this message with a 10-year-old wrapped around me. When she’s not clinging on to me for dear life, she’s doing the same thing with Nyota.

 

I know you never talk about losing your biological parents, but what do I do? How do I fix this?

Xxxxxxxx

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

To: KirkKR

 

Time sent: 7/19/2259 08:14:34

 

Subject: There is no fixing this.

The doctors said that we can leave on the 21st. So there’s definitely no point in you coming back. I promise to take good care of your car.

The first step to fixing the situation with Jo Jo is realizing that you can’t fix this. But you can make everything feel just a little less raw. That’s what you did for me and you probably had no idea you were doing it.

 

Let her wrap herself around you like an octopus. That was what got me through it more than the therapy which was very helpful. You were a good pillow. Also you letting me share your toys at least helped me go through the motions of being a kid. It was a really screwed up time and you were one of my few anchors.

 

I get why you didn’t write if you got that letter from mom. I’m trying not to think about it because I don’t want to get my hopes up. I mean, she has tried to stop drinking before, but it never works. Maybe I’m a little scared of what will happen when she ruins her chances.

 

I didn’t deal with a lot of stuff after my parents died. Let’s be honest, I have serious abandonment issues. I also have yet to make it to the Tarsus Memorial. I really need to see a therapist again, but that’s the long-term stuff.

 

Short-term just make sure she knows that she has people that care about her and will be there because this is going to be a transition. Just get through the funeral for right now and everything else will come together eventually.

 

PS: Also, you may want to consider a post funeral trip to Chucky Cheese. Just do something fun to make everything else seem less awful.

XXXX

Jim chuckled to himself as he read his brothers reply considering that's exactly where he was right now. The funeral, and subsequent reception went badly. Like ‘how Carol Marcus handled her father's funeral’ badly. Nobody was arrested, but it was probably a matter of time and Jim was not sticking around for that. He is not that masochistic.

He did not hear anyone say one nice thing about the deceased, unless they were on stage. Even then, Jim has heard some of the most coded language he has ever heard outside of hostile negotiations. During the reception, the country club set’s nasty conversations focused on the woman wrapping her car around a tree and tendency to be a drunk lush. If Jim heard all of those nasty things, you know Jo Jo heard all of it. The 10-year-old has practically been on the verge of tears for most of the morning already without the bad mouthing.

 

All of their gossip made Jim very angry. All of the stuck up country club bitches knew that she had a problem. None of them did a damn thing to stop it. They could have at least helped Jo Jo get in the hands of a parent who was not an alcoholic. Jim, out of all people, knows that you can’t stop someone from drinking, but you can damn well let Children’s Services know that there’s a problem. Then again, he’s also well aware that most people don’t think to do that. Or maybe they just don't care enough.

 

They ignore the bruises in favor of their blissful existence. It’s just too much trouble for them to do the right thing. It’s much better for them to make snide comments as they eat the free canopies.

 

Jim could probably deal with it if they didn’t make his Jo Jo actually cry at the reception. It was ugly and Jim doesn't want to talk about it, but basically involved the deceased’s stepmother referring to Nyota as a poor little uncultured slut that’s trying to take her granddaughter away. Nyota responded by calling her a Klingon curse word that loosely translates to ‘a woman without honor who sleeps with married men for amusement’. Before things could deteriorate into actual fisticuffs, Jim decided that they were going to the nearby Chucky Cheese of all places.

 

The person at the front door didn’t even look at them twice when they walked in wearing funeral regalia. Then again, being across the street from a full service funeral home probably meant this was a normal occurrence. Actually, that might be why they are in this location.

 

Now, Jo Jo was in the ballroom despite being in a dress and Nyota was working out her aggression by playing vintage ski ball as they waited for pizza. Actually it's a small miracle that she hasn't thrown the wooden ball hard enough to break the plastic. She was pissed and a few wooden balls may not survive.

 

"I know we had to get out of there, but I feel like the world’s worst girlfriend for abandoning Leonard with his ex-wife’s family." Nyota said as she angrily threw another ball. Jim is pretty sure she cracked plastic that time.

 

"I think if you text him a picture of Jo Jo actually smiling, he may forgive you." He said before taking the ball out of her hand. "No more throwing hard things pretending that they are Jo Jo’s evil step grandmother. I've already been banned from one family establishment this month. Let's not make it two." At that point Jim leads her to another game that is significantly less violent. Okay, he’s taking her to the basketball game because at least, those balls are rubber.

 

"Leonard does say the most important part of being a parent is putting your kids first. I wouldn’t know because I didn’t have those parents, but even I could tell getting Jo Jo out of there was best for her even if I really wanted to smack each and every member of the country club bitch society of Atlanta." Nyota commented as she places a token in the machine.

 

"I think Winona may have been better at that than I thought she was, but I’m only seeing it that way now in hindsight." Jim said as he grabbed one of the basketballs, and started throwing.

 

"Hindsight is a wonderful thing." Nyota said as she started tossing balls as well. Thankfully she’s not throwing them hard enough to crack the headboard.

 

"But I still think you’re better at this than she was even if you are a newbie."

 

"So you think that it would be okay if I officially become her mother figure?" Nyota said just as the buzzer signified the end of the game. He won by two shots, but he doesn’t care about that considering what Nyota just told him.

 

"You and Bones are talking marriage?” He asked slightly stunned. “Don’t you think that’s a little too soon after the disastrous breakup. You two have only been back together a couple of weeks." Yes, Jim thinks they're perfect together, but you shouldn't rush into things.

 

"We were only fighting for a couple of weeks." Jim just gives her a look.

 

"Don’t worry your little head. There's no Vegas wedding in my future. I think we are both pretty much off of the institution of marriage for a while." Nyota explains as she puts another coin in the machine to play a round by herself.

 

"Yet you threw my surprise wedding?" Jim raised an eyebrow at her.

 

"You and Spock are already Vulcan married. You’re with each other for life already. You might as well get paperwork that’s recognized by Starfleet to back it up." Nyota said as she finished up her game.

 

At that point they moved back to their table because their food just arrived. They quickly walked over to their table. So it turns out that the pizza at Chucky Cheese was actually edible. Actually it was pretty good pizza. Which was a good thing since they never did get to try any of the catering at the reception. Normally, the family was supposed to eat first, but not with those vultures.

 

"Yesterday while you and Spock we're babysitting Jo Jo, Leonard and I had a really long and fun conversation with the lawyers." Nyota started to explain as she grabbed a slice.

 

“Shawn or she who will not be named’s lawyer?"

 

"Now that she’s dead, her last wish is for Leonard to raise Jo Jo because she really really hates her father and stepmother, who is five years younger than her. So technically their now both our lawyers." Nyota sighed as she explained.

 

"I knew it. She just gave off a trophy wife vibe."

 

"Now it's their lawyers that are gunning for us and to make sure they are unsuccessful; Shawn thinks that I should file for joint custody/adoption." He sort of choked on a slice of pizza when she told him that.

 

"That’s big. Actually, that’s way more permanent than marriage. Marriage is temporary. Kids are permanent. Well, marriage is temporary outside of Vulcan marriage. But since that’s not an option..." Jim babbled before Nyota pressed a pastry to his lips.

 

"Have a churro and stop babbling about how I could be making a big mistake by doing this."

 

"I’m saying this is big, but I think you would be great at it.”

 

“Really?”

 

“You keep me in line on a daily basis so you’re already well suited for actual parenting. I think you can do this if you really want to. Do you?"

 

“I do, but I’m a little terrified of repeating my parent’s mistakes.” She admitted, honestly.

 

"You won’t. You’ll make new ones." Jim said as he squeezed her hand.

 

 "When did you know that Kevin was your brother?" Nyota asked.

 

"When mom got out of Tarsus rehab and told me that the kid next to her was going to be living with us from now on." Jim said almost joking.

 

"That’s not what I mean."

 

“On his second night living with us, I heard Kevin screaming in his sleep and I ended up crawling in the bed beside him to keep the nightmares away. I'm always going to love Sam, but that's when I fell in love with Kevin too." He told her with a sad smile.

 

"The night it all went wrong and I had to retrieve Jo Jo from the restroom, that's when I realized that I wanted to protect her from everything wrong with the world." Nyota told him.

 

“Which is why we’re hiding out at Chucky Cheese instead of dealing with the country club bitch society of Atlanta?"

 

"Exactly.”

 

"And I think you know your answer to what you should do?"

 

"Order more pizza because Spock, Leonard and Jo Jo’s Aunt Lena have found us." She said, pointing to the front door.

 

"That too." Jim said as he waved the three over.

 

“Lena, I’m sorry that we left early, but…” Nyota started to apologize, but she was cut off.

“You would have punched out my stepmother and it would’ve been much more disrespectful for a brawl to break out.”

 

“True.” Nyota remarked as Leonard slid next to her and placed an arm around her.

 

“It’s okay. It’s oddly fitting that you guys are here. Since this was JJ’s favorite place as a kid. And besides, at least my only niece is happy here.” She said pointing to Jo Jo who was still playing with the other kids there. “And they have churros.”

 

“Help yourself.” Jim said, pointing to the two churros remaining. “We will go order more stuff.”

 

“Get your husband a brownie or chocolate milk or something. We came here because he was 30 seconds from nerve pinching my former father-in-law.”

 

“Do I want to know what happened?” Jim asked moments later when they were at the kiosk to order.

 

“I think I would like both a brownie and chocolate milk.” Spock responded.

 

“That bad?”

 

“Yes.”

To be continued


	40. Parenting 401

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read or reviewed the last chapter. The end is near. There are only two more chapters left after this. We are on track for this story to be done before Star Trek Beyond comes out on July 22. The new trailer made me even more excited than before.

 

From: UhuraNX

 

To: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

Time sent: 7/24/2259 13:32:21

 

Subject: How’s the rest of your forced vacation going?

 

I thought I would give you guys a couple of days to settle in before I write. Although Spock did call me after your shuttle touchdown so I knew you arrive safely. Unlike some people, he knows that I do care about that sort of thing.

 

If I didn’t say it enough while you guys were here, let me say thank you again. I know I said that I didn’t need you guys here, but it’s obvious that I was in over my head. These last couple weeks have been nuts and it only got worse after Jo Jo’s mom died and being forced to spend time with that part of the family. It almost makes me want to spend time with my mom.

 

Jo Jo was glad you came as well. (And you know Leonard was happy you were here even if he was being a grumpy asshole, but that’s how he deals with his emotions.) I think Jo Jo needed someone else who gets it. And unfortunately, both you and Spock get it.

 

I lost my grandmother, but maybe it’s not the same as losing your mom. At least in my case it was something that almost qualified as natural causes. I didn’t have to deal with the entire campus talking about my grandmother dying because she wrapped her car around a tree. I got to hear about how much people loved and respected her.

 

Jo Jo’s not getting that and it hurts me to see her crying so much. The sparkly therapy journal you got hers helping a bit, but she’s not talking to me. At least she’s telling somebody what’s going on, even if it is a blank page. No, I’m not reading her therapy Journal. I’m better than that. Okay, I’m better than that now.

 

Yes, the country club bitch club are still at it and they still have no decorum whatsoever. I actually had to kick two of them out yesterday after they brought over a gluten-free casserole. They were supposedly there to offer their condolences again. They were really there to get as much dirt on the legal fallout as possible. Maybe their friends with the evil stepmom. I don’t know.

 

Do I have to send thank you notes to stuck up people who only come over to satisfy their own voyeuristic tendencies? Did I tell you about the thank you notes that I’m being forced to write by the stupid funeral planner? Apparently its proper etiquette to send notes to everybody who sent flowers or brought over a casserole, no matter how horrible of a sentient being they actually were to me and the deceased. And some were horrible, so you know that Leonard can’t and should not do it. You don’t drop off flowers and then go do a streaming interview about the deceased’s drinking problem. If you knew that she was an alcoholic before the car accident, why the hell did you not tell anybody? Also I think they’re purposely bringing lilies just for the fact it triggers an allergic reaction.

 

(According to Dr. Margarita, I’m in the angry phase right now. I’d don’t think I’m going to leave this phase for a while.)

 

I think the only people who were halfway sincere are my Starfleet friends and my mother. And yes, it pains me to say that, but she made sure Starfleet sent funeral balloons instead of flowers because she is familiar with some of my strange allergies. (You are not the only one who’s allergic to things. I have lily issues.) Which, although weird, was in better taste then the whiskey that Scotty sent.

 

Chekov sent a slightly more useful book of Russian fairy tales, in Russian. Although translating bedtime stories into Standard has been a good distraction. Sulu sent a bonsai tree instead of the traditional funeral flowers. Jo Jo is in love with her miniature orange tree. Christina sent my favorite cookies and a copy of The Idiot’s Guide to Parenting.

 

We are adjusting. More like we are getting into a routine now that you and Spock are not here to help with babysitting. That means waking up at 5 AM, exercising, cooking breakfast, wake up Jo Jo, see Leonard off to work, take Jo Jo to therapy, and then get in a screaming match with Jo Jo’s grandparents over custody usually not in front of Jo Jo. Leonard and I are trying to keep things civil. But they are not. They’re really not happy that I’m petitioning for adoption and they are show their disdain for it by calling me various synonyms for prostitute.

 

Shawn thinks the courts are going to see things our way and give us full custody even if there might be some issues with both of us still under Starfleet contract, but it shouldn’t be a problem. They can’t send both of us on an unaccompanied mission. There are rules about that sort of thing after they got sued a couple years ago.

 

If Leonard ends up on Enterprise alone while I’m doing translation work planet side or at some faraway distant outpost, please keep him from doing stupid things in my absence.

 

I shouldn’t get so used to a routine because everything is going to change soon. Classes at UF Georgia begin on August 20 with freshman orientation starting on the 16th. I start having somewhat normal hours next week as I start preparing for classes, which means deciding on childcare options. The Carmichael’s a.k.a. the only friends of Jo Jo’s mom that are not horrible people offered to allow her to hang out during the day, but I’m not sure that’s going to work. She’s taking a nap on me right now as I write this. Jo Jo is ridiculously clingy right now. I used to hang out in my grandma’s office all the time. Maybe UF Georgia will allow something similar.

 

PS: Leonard told me that you lied about fixing the email thing. Or at least I think you lied about it. He thinks that you’re nowhere near as good at computers as you think you are. I disagree because I saw how you were able to even lock Spock out of fixing your little special email program. That means you obviously lied to me.

XXXX

 

From: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

To: UhuraNX

 

Time sent: 7/24/2259 14:01:21

 

Subject: Re: How’s the rest of your forced vacation going?

 

I did not lie per se. I told you that Spock had me fix it so neither he nor I would receive private messages from you any longer. Leonard is another thing entirely. Besides with everything going on, I think you need this open line of communication. If you don’t want him to read your message, just put the number 69 in the subject line and it won’t be forwarded.

 

Also, I’m glad to know that you’re not reading Jo Jo’s therapy diary. See my punishment worked and you now know that some thoughts need to be private. However, that being said, if Jo Jo says something to me that you need to know, I’ll tell you. Right now she’s just working through her grief. She is not a danger to herself or others.

 

I suggest bringing Jo Jo with you to school. She may be a little afraid that you and Leonard will disappear on her and that’s why she’s so clingy so sending her to the Carmichael’s may be counterproductive. Don’t even ask permission from your boss. If he or she says something to you just play the “my stepdaughter’s biological mother just died and she’s an emotional wreck” card. Winona milked the ‘my husband died in a violent attack and saved 800 people in the process’ card for years. You should be able to use it for a couple of months, at least until school starts in September.

 

I can’t believe Christine sent you that. Yes, I can. I know you guys are friends, but seriously? You’re going to be fine. You have this mom thing down. You’ll work through it. You don’t need The Idiot’s Guide to Parenting to help you through it. Although maybe it wouldn’t hurt to see if they have a chapter on how to help kids with grief.

 

You don’t have to worry about us. Things are good in San Francisco. Okay, things are not chaotic. We did just move to a new Starfleet apartment, although this one has nicer views and more space.

 

My meeting with Chan is set for the 28th, which just happens to be my one-month wedding anniversary. What do you get a Vulcan who has everything for your one-month anniversary? I could get him me with a bow wrapped around my privates, but that seems a little crass and maybe he deserves more than that.

 

Honestly, every morning I wake up and look at the gold band around my finger and wonder how we made it this far without total catastrophe occurring. Okay, I’m surprised he hasn’t asked for an annulment yet. I mean, he’s had to deal with me getting in a food fight with my brother and tossing a pizza at Jo Jo’s grandfather. I’m personally surprised we are not banned for life from Chucky Cheese for that little screw-up.

 

You know the Chan meeting will be a disaster because my brother is currently fucking her daughter. Actually her daughter is currently driving around the country with my brother and you know they are defiling my car. Yes, Winona is with them, but she’s on the happy pills and I’m not quite sure how much she will actually be there. Honestly, I never know with Winona. Also Kevin’s probably still mad at me, so he’ll probably fuck around in the back seat and send me pictures of suspicious stains on the upholstery just because he’s a dick.

 

Winona and Kevin should be back in town by next week. They’re taking the scenic route which is probably a good thing because I’m not ready for more Winona time yet. I haven’t responded to Winona’s apology letter. What exactly do you write after a confession like that? You read the stupid thing. I don’t even know where to start. I really want her to not end up like Jo Jo’s mom, but I’m 26 and I’ve dealt with her my whole life.

 

I just… Can people change for the good? I don’t know. The sobriety didn’t exactly take after her therapist lost her wife due to a dumb drunk driver. What makes this time different? Is she just destined to keep repeating this over and over again?

 

I’m starting to cry and that just messes up the voice rec, so let’s talk about something else, like the country club bitch club of Georgia. Or are they from Savannah? It’s all the same, really. No, you don’t have to send them thank you notes unless you’re planning to tell them to fuck off in writing. The balloons from your mom probably were sincerer. So you should write to her, but I’m not going to tell you that because you’re going to tell me to write to Winona and we are back to that subject again.

 

Seriously, Scotty sent whiskey? Did anybody tell him how Bones’ ex-wife died? Scotty is flaky sometimes, but he’s usually not an insensitive prick. Jo Jo sent me pictures of the bonsai tree. That was adorable.

 

PS: I’m sorry I bothered you with the Winona stuff while you’re dealing with the fallout from your boyfriend’s ex-wife wrapping herself around a damn tree. Your problems are bigger than mine right now.

Xxxxx

 

From: UhuraNX

 

To: Jim_Spock-Kirk

 

Time sent: 7/25/2259 7:02:21

 

Subject: Re: How’s the rest of your forced vacation going?

 

I shouldn't be at all surprised that you chose 69 as the code to prevent Leonard from reading my private thoughts. It's something that you would totally do. Because underneath the big old adult Captain exterior beats the heart of a 12-year-old. Granted he is a mature 12-year-old with a lot of issues, but he is still 12.

 

We are friends. Friends talk about their problems with each other. You do remember I was on the communicator with your husband for like an hour yesterday, mostly venting about my mom and the country club bitch club of Georgia. The fact that I’m more willing to voluntarily email my mom before even smiling at the bitch club says things that I really don’t want Dr. Margarita to over analyze.

 

Spock is still with you because he loves you. Love can help you work through a multitude of things when it’s real. Because he loves you, he’s not going to care what you get him for your anniversary. Actually, Spock may not even realize that humans observe illogical things like one month anniversaries and knowing you, you won’t mention that. I’ll take care of it.

 

Yes, Scotty did send alcohol and I don’t think he knew what happened. I told you and Spock not to tell anybody. I gave the same order to Sulu and Christine. He is very good at keeping his personal life private, so he’s just as good at keeping other people’s personal lives private. Christine is not on speaking terms with most of the Enterprise crew, mostly because of the email screw-up from last month.

 

I’m just going to send Scotty a polite think you note and not tell him about the inappropriateness of sending alcohol to somebody who’s ex-wife died due to complications of alcoholism. He probably really just didn’t know. I don’t think it made the news outside of Georgia. The judge’s daughter is only a minor celebrity here.

 

I believe people can change and not just for the worse. I think they can become better because I’ve seen how much you’ve changed firsthand for the good. When I met you for the first time four years ago, I thought you were this complete asshole who just wanted to fuck me and Marc, probably at the same time. Somewhere along the line you become one of my closest friends. Maybe you were always this person and I just didn’t see it. Maybe it was hiding underneath all the bravado and it just took me time to peel those layers away. Only you know for sure, but I think it’s genuine change.

 

If you can change, that means Winona or even my mother can change if they really want to and maybe at least Winona wants to. This time maybe something finally got through to her. If the death of the former Mrs. McCoy can make her change, then it wasn’t a complete loss. Maybe something good can come from such a colossal tragedy. I need for something good to come from all the fucked up stuff we’ve dealt with in the last two months. I think I need for there to be some sort of meaning in tragedy.

 

  1. You should have told me about the fact that Leonard could still see my emails earlier, but since it cut down on awkward conversations about me wanting to become Jo Jo’s mom, I guess I can forgive you.



Xxxxx

From: UhuraNX

 

To: Spock_Grayson

 

Time sent: 7/25/2259 7:15:45

 

Subject: I seriously hope you're planning something for your one-month anniversary

 

What are you doing for your first anniversary? You are planning something right? Seriously, your husband is freaking out about what to do for your first wedding anniversary so you should at least do something for him, or at the very least, remember that it is your one-month anniversary. It doesn’t have to be big.

 

Actually, the various websites I looked at say it really shouldn’t be big because most normal newlyweds are saving up for a house or recovering from the giant wedding financially. Although you’re wealthy, so that’s not an issue. Maybe chocolate body paint. That’s a little more tasteful than what Jim wanted to do, but the sentiment is still there.

 

Yes. Humans like to celebrate anniversaries. Wedding anniversaries are important. Surviving the first month together is a big thing, especially with both of your suicidal tendencies. I seriously hope you guys don’t end up killing each other with me planet side. I think that’s the one down side to our plan to make sure Jo Jo has real parents.

XxxXXXXXXxx

From: Spock_Grayson

 

To: UhuraNX

 

Time sent: 7/25/2259 12:12:49

 

Subject: Re: I seriously hope you're planning something for your one-month anniversary

 

I’m aware of the custom because I saw my mother upset on multiple occasions when my father forgot to commemorate the anniversary of their bonding. I will take your words under advisement regarding the chocolate body paint, but only if I can find one that’s hypoallergenic. The last time we used body paint, James developed a rash.

Xx

 

From: UhuraNX

 

To: Christine_Chapel

 

Time sent: 7/25/2259 22:32:21

 

Subject: Thank you for the condolence cookies

Thank you for your condolences and for sending cookies. It's been almost a week and the foyer still looks like a flower shop and I’m constantly taking an allergy hypo because I’m allergic to half of it.

 

Jo Jo really likes the cookies. It was one of the things I got her to eat the first day after Jim and Spock went back to San Francisco. She has been having weird moments, but it’s getting better.

 

Thank you for sending The Idiot’s Guide to Parenthood. I can use it. I never thought I would be a mom after my childhood. I never wanted to be in charge of a little life because I was so worried about disappointing him or her. But here we are and I think I can do this even though I'm scared shitless. I have to do this because there’s no backing out. Unlike my parents, I realize parenthood is forever.

 

Now I'm going to go write a thank you letter to my mom. Let's hope I don't write anything that can get me expelled from Starfleet.

 

Anyway write back when you have a chance. I need to talk to a friend who has the decency not to talk about their husband’s sex toy allergies in an email.

.

 

From: UhuraNX

 

To: UhuraAO

 

Time sent: 7/25/2259 23:02:21

 

Subject: Thank You for sending your condolences.

Thank you for making sure Starfleet sent the balloons instead of flowers. You know I hate taking allergy hypos. More than necessary. I would’ve emailed you earlier, but I didn’t realize at first you sent them because Starfleet sent the same thing to Amanda last year. Maybe that was you to. I wish other people would have sent balloons because there are too many flowers in the house. I would give them all away, but Jo Jo likes flowers.

 

I think it’s best to inform you that I am applying for joint custody of Joanna Joslin McCoy with the intention to adopt. I don’t want you to find out that you’re going to be a grandmother from the Starfleet rumor mill again or HR for that matter. At least this time you will actually achieve grandmother-hood, if the lawyers can pull this off. I think they can.

 

I’m also applying for an accompanied assignment. Thanks to the post Kelvin incident policies, that means Enterprise and the five-year mission are no longer a feasible option for me and Leonard. Well, Leonard could still be there, but I won’t. My daughter needs me and I’m not leaving her behind. I’m not you.

 

I know that sounds harsh. But that’s how I feel. And I’m not just mad at you because I’m equally pissed off at dad. I don’t even think I would’ve minded if one of you had stayed with me while the other one was in space. I think I would’ve been satisfied if you would’ve came home for more than a few days at a time. You could take shorter assignments. You could have accepted more assignments that allowed you to visit Earth more often. You could occasionally have taken accompanied minor assignments. There may have been fewer 20 years ago, but they still existed.

 

But you didn’t try because doing things like that would have kept you from breaking through the glass ceiling. Instead, you just left me with grandma and then you shoved me into boarding school after I found the body. You couldn’t even bother to come back for the funeral. I know it was possible. If you really wanted to be there, you could have. But you didn’t care. And sometimes I think that meant that you didn’t care about me or at least that’s what I thought when I was a scared teenager at boarding school.

 

In hindsight, I see that you did care. I’m just not sure if you cared enough. Why did you put your career in Starfleet first? Maybe the miscarriage screwed with your mind. Maybe I was a reminder of things you couldn’t deal with. I don’t know. I wish I had the answers to those questions, but only you have those answers and I’m not sure that you would ever be willing to answer me truthfully. Because maybe the truth would have paint you in an ugly light, and that’s not something that you are willing to deal with. You never were.

 

Maybe it’s unfair for me to be mad at you for choosing your career over me. Again, I’m just as mad at dad, but now that I’m an adult, I understand it better. Starfleet’s glass ceiling is worse, if you have a vagina. Taking an unaccompanied position was the best way to get those admiral stripes, especially when you have colleagues who keep trying to pass asinine policies trying to ban women from leadership positions.

 

Do I want to have to choose between motherhood and my job? No. Am I being forced make such a choice? Yes. Am I furious about this? Hell yes. Do I want those policies change? Yes. Do I have the energy to sue Starfleet to make those changes? Not right now. I need to focus on Jo Jo.

 

Maybe I need a break beyond teaching in Georgia. I’m still working through the miscarriage, despite more recent issues. I’m still sad about what happened, but you can’t rewrite history. Well you can, under certain conditions, but you may not like the results. I just have to deal with things as they are and take it one day at a time.

 

I hope someday I’m going to be able to understand completely why you did what you did. I understood it better than I did as a child. I’m much more familiar with the asinine regulations in place. Maybe I’m angrier at the fact you didn’t try to change things. I don’t know. I would like for things to be better between us. But I need you to meet me halfway.

XXXXX

 

From: Christine_Chapel

 

To: UhuraNX

 

Time sent: 7/26/2259 02:32:21

 

Subject: re: Thank you for the condolence cookies

I’m pretty sure I know which newlywed friend said that. I can’t believe they actually got married. I’m even more surprised that they survived the first month intact. I’m over it. I’m not jealous anymore. Really I’m not.

 

You'll be fine. You can keep your Captain in line, you can keep a preteen in line. I’m sure Jo Jo is much better behaved.

 

You don’t need to thank me for the book or the cookies. I figured she needed a pick-me-up. Cookies are always better post funeral. After everything you’ve dealt with in the last few months, you deserve a moment of indulgence.

 

Anyway good news, I'm going to get to have an Earth shore leave for Christmas. I think I'm receiving it due to the fact my aunt lost her husband in the great political fuck up of 2259 and they don’t want her to spend her first Christmas of widowhood without family. I’ll take it and I really do want to be there for her. But I also want to be there for you. We should do something fun while I’m here. A few of the Cedar Fair parks are now climate control and opened in the winter. Besides, you definitely need to hang out with friends who don’t go on about their partner’s sex-related allergic reactions.

xxxxx

“Do you have your backpack?” Nyota called out from the room that now had Jo Jo on the front door. They made the sign three days ago, complete with Starfleet and Ms. Marvel stickers. Both she and Leonard want Jo Jo to see this place as her home which is why they’re pushing her to personalize her space.

 

“Yes, Ny.” Jo Jo walked out of her bedroom door wearing her Iron Man backpack and her Captain America sneakers. She looked adorable and ready to spend her day at UF Georgia.

 

"And you have stuff to read while I’m in meetings?” She asked because Nyota knew better than to leave a 10-year-old alone and bored.

 

"Uncle Spock sent me the year 3 book for Vulcan children.” Of course he did. “I’m working on the math problems.” Which will thankfully keep the 10-year-old occupied for most of the day.

 

“Good. I made breakfast sandwiches. You can eat on the walk to the language building.” Thanks to her grandma, she could cook and had an entire repertoire of little things that can be eaten to and from class. Which will come in handy since she is following in her grandmother’s footsteps in the academic world.

 

She was supposed to have a few more days to get ready, but last night she received an email telling her she had a meeting with her department head, Sarah, this morning at 10. She has yet to meet the woman, only dealing with the deputy director so far because Sarah likes to spend her summers in her native Australia, usually teaching seminars at UF Melbourne.

 

“Did dad already leave for his rounds?” Jo Jo asked grabbing her sandwich from the table, along with her travel mug of juice, featuring Daredevil of course. They may have gone a little overboard with buying new stuff for Jo Jo, but it made her smile and that was what they were going for right now.

 

And she was smiling again. Little by little. It was hard. There were good days and bad days, but they were starting to get into a routine and hopefully adding classroom time will not upset that routine. She hoped anyway.

 

“Yes, he had to start at 6 AM today. But he promises to be home for dinner.” Jo Jo frowned for half a second.

 

“Can we have pizza?” Jo Jo pleaded. Which is something that Jo Jo asks for all the time. Probably because it was on a no no list of foods before.

 

“No. We already discussed pizza is an every other weekend food. But if we get out early enough, I may be persuaded to do a Zucchini lasagna. We’ll have to stop at the farmer’s market at lunchtime for more zucchini to use as the noodles.” She said as she grabbed her teacher bag that matched her pantsuit impeccably.

 

Since she was out of the Starfleet uniform for the next few months, she opted for pantsuits. Although considering the Atlanta heat, maybe she should look into professional looking sundresses with self-cooling fabric. She managed to drink her entire iced coffee on the walk to the school of language and culture. Thankfully she’s been here long enough to know that regular coffee is stifling in the July heat of Georgia. Her neighbor Lisa and Wendy told her that August would be worse. She wasn’t looking forward to that at all.

 

For a building that was built less than 15 years ago, it was surprising that the language school had the same antebellum architecture as the older part of the campus, but maybe that was the point. The only modern features were the self-opening doors and the DNA scanners that allowed entrance.

 

Sarah’s office was on the first floor. The lobby itself was filled with artifacts from her various travels and being 10, of course Jo Jo was inquisitive.

 

“Be careful. Don’t touch anything.” So one of the first things that Nyota is learning about being a mom is kids like to touch everything. Even at 10, especially if said 10-year-old lived a very repressed childhood up until a few weeks ago. The stuff in this room looks very expensive and she really doesn’t want to deal with the fallout if Jo Jo break something.

 

“Actually, you can touch the stuff seashell replica. It was actually a stuffed animal that my then wife got me.” Nyota heard a voice call out from behind her.

 

“You kept it after the divorce?” Jo Jo asked because 10-year-olds don’t realize you don’t ask those sort of questions.

 

“Widowhood.” Especially if that could be the possible response.

 

“Oh.” Nyota cringed a little bit as she spoke.

 

"She was stationed on the Kelvin when things went..."

 

“When Uncle Jim lost his daddy?” The woman raised an eyebrow at Jo Jo.

 

"That’s right." Nyota sighed. How did they get in a conversation this awkward this quickly with a complete stranger?

 

"You’re related to Jim Kirk?" The woman asked. If her wife served with Jim’s dad, she had a reason to ask, more than most people did.

 

“Not really. He’s just best friends with my daddy and mom Nyota.” That’s what Jo Jo calls her to other people. They’re both still getting used to it. Which is okay because there’s so much to get used to right now.

 

“That’s why I refer to both him and his husband as uncles.”

 

“That’s good. Family isn’t always about blood. I’m Sarah.” The woman introduced herself making Nyota realize that this was her new boss. Seriously, why could they not include pictures?

 

“My assistant Leslie just went down to get her daily iced latte, but she should be back in a few minutes. Will you be okay waiting out here while me and your mom talk in my office?” Sarah asked Jo Jo kindly. Nyota’s chest warms a little at being referred to as a mom by somebody other than her friends or her lawyer. It felt good.

 

“I was prepared for that. That’s why I brought my Barbie PADD.” Jo Jo said as she pulls it out of her bag. “Uncle Spock sent me math problems to work on."

 

“Good, you can work on that while we’re talking." Sarah smiled kindly as she led into her office.

 

“I would apologize for bringing Jo Jo unannounced, but…” Nyota started to say as soon as the door was shut, but her new boss interrupted her.

 

"You’re not actually sorry." Sarah said pointing to the seat in front of her desk.

 

"Not really." Nyota sat down. "Her biological mom died recently. I’m sure you heard about it because it made all the local websites. Somebody wrapping their vintage Mercedes around a tree is noteworthy considering her dad used to be a judge." before he was recalled for corruption.

 

“Anyway, Jo Jo isn’t quite ready for quality time with any other nonfamily babysitter and her aunt needs to go back to work.” She’s a lawyer as well. But the type that does a lot of pro bono. If her dad was going to force her into a certain career path, she decided to do it her way.

 

"It’s okay. I was warned.” ‘By who?’ She asked in her head.

 

"I studied under your grandmother and I was friends with your mom. When I was at Starfleet Academy, we shared a dorm room together.” And that completely explains why she got this cushy assignment.

 

“So my mom told you?" Nyota asked.

 

"And I’m fine if you want your future Starfleet officer to audit your Romulan and Klingon language classes.” That was Professor code for yes, Jo Jo can come with you to class but she had to behave like a student. Which was fine with her because actually it would be helpful for a 10-year-old to sit in on the language classes. It is easier to pick up new languages when you’re younger. “Besides, it probably will be helpful to get her ready for five years in space. Getting used to new languages is sometimes the worst part of culture shock.”

 

"Jo Jo will have a few years before her first five-year mission." Nyota said with a smile, but Sarah frowned at her.

 

“I thought your next duty post was Enterprise for the five-year mission after this?”

 

“It was before the car accident. Now that I have a 10-year-old, Leonard and I are reapplying for a position that allows us to bring children along.” And because they specialized in language and Xenobiology, they have more options than most people. The Enterprise is not one of those options

 

“You didn’t have a chance to read any of the news websites this morning?” Nyota had no idea why she asked that question.

 

"I was making breakfast.” And trying to wake up Jo Jo. It takes at least an hour to get her ready in the morning. Which was an improvement over the first few days. Sometimes she thinks Jo Jo is doing this simply because she can. She tries to tell herself it’s wrong to curse the dead, but there are moments where Nyota really can’t help it.

 

That’s when a web article was placed in front of her with the headline regarding the fact that Starfleet will be allowing children 12 years or older on long-term missions of two years or more.

 

Enterprise was the top of that list of long-term missions which would be really good for Jim (or more likely, Spock, if Jim got his way) because a lot of people were asking for transfers because they didn’t want to be away from their children that long.

 

"I’m glad they’re finally making that change. Unfortunately, Jo Jo won’t be 12 for another 14 months." Although, maybe they could ask for a transfer once Jo Jo was of age. Jim and Spock would take them back as soon as they could.

 

"In paragraph two, it mentions an exception for parents in specialized fields where there is an extreme need. They would all be allowed to bring children 10 years and over.”

 

“And a linguistics officer who speaks Romulan and Klingon would qualify?” Thanks mom.

 

"Considering all the Klingon and Romulan issues we are currently having, probably.” Sarah frowned. “Although no more Starfleet work stuff. It’s time to focus on University work stuff such as what we expect from you this semester."

 

“Make sure my students don’t accidentally curse someone out in Klingon?" Nyota smirked.

 

"Precisely."

Xxxxx

 

From: UhuraNX

 

To:Christine_Chapel

 

Time sent: 7/26/2259 22:32:21

 

Subject: re: Thank you for the condolence cookies

As long as you and Jim can get along without trying to strangle each other, I think it will be good. He is not a horrible person and you shouldn’t just hate him because Spock chose him. Honestly, I don’t think anyone else had a chance. If there is such a thing as soulmates, those two are it.

 

So it looks like I am not going to have to look at other career options. Starfleet just reclassified long-term missions of two years or longer as accompanied missions, and because of my Romulan skills and Leonard’s experience with Vulcan anatomy, we’re allowed to bring a 10-year-old along with us. I'm pretty sure my mom is responsible, but I don't have proof. Should I be happy or sad about the nepotism involved?

 

From: Christine_Chapel

 

To: UhuraNX

 

Time sent: 7/27/2259 04:24:21

 

Subject: re: Thank you for the condolence cookies

I can be very well behaved as long as he doesn't make out with his husband in front of me. Although if worst comes to worst, I'll just hang out with Rebecca and Carol who are probably being nauseatingly sweet newlyweds as well. I kind of want to see you making gingerbread houses, so I will behave.

 

If you want proof that your mom did push for a Starfleet policy change, you should read the article attached from Federation Today. Apparently her biggest regret is leaving you with your grandmother so she could keep pace with her career.

XXXX

From: UhuraNX

 

To: Christine_Chapel

 

Time sent: 7/27/2259 6:39:34

 

Subject: re: thank you for the condolence cookies

Gingerbread starships. Jo Jo wants to be a Starfleet lawyer when she grows up or a captain. Jo Jo is still trying to get used to the idea that she now has options. It's weird.

 

Yes, they're being ridiculously sweet or at least they were that way before I ended up in Georgia. I was mostly dealing with the miscarriage so I wasn't really paying attention to everything going on. Although I did catch them having sex on the kitchen counter. I didn't need to see that, especially considering I was banned from sex and still am.

 

I'm at ‘now I'm going to have to write to my mom again and possibly extend an olive branch of some sort’ because not only did she apologize, but she actually did it publicly. She probably did it publicly because I'm mostly deleting her emails without actually reading them, even her response to my last email. Yes, I realize that’s a problem.

 

From: UhuraNX

 

To: UhuraAO

 

Time sent: 7/27/2259 21:32:21

 

Subject: My new boss shared a dorm with you at the Academy and you never told me

 

I met Sarah today. She seems cool. So I’m now 99.9% sure you’re responsible for my sabbatical at UF Georgia and the fact that Jo Jo is allowed to audit multiple language classes at school. I’m sure you’re also responsible for the fact that Jo Jo is going to have to start basic defense classes next month because Leonard is not going to bring an 11-year-old into the darkness of space without being able to throw a punch.

 

I read the article that you did with Federation Today. The one where you said you pushed for these new rules because you didn’t want another parent to make the same hard choices you did, only to come to realize that you made the wrong choice years later. I guess I should say thank you for making sure I didn’t have to choose.

 

We’re going to be in San Francisco for Christmas this year. I know it’s months away, but I want to let you know that you’re invited. I’ll let you know when we work out the details.

 

I don’t quite forgive you yet, but I’m working on it. Dr. Margarita is hopeful that I’m going to work through my issues. I might not get through everything today, but someday I will. Maybe you made the wrong choice then, but you’re trying to make the right choice now. Maybe that’s what really matters in the end.

To be continued.


	41. I Made a Wrong Turn Once or Twice but We Still Got Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read or reviewed the last chapter. The end is near. This is the actual final normal chapter of Dear James, if there was such a thing as normal chapters in this story.
> 
> Sorry for the wait between updates. I wanted to update everything else before I wrote the last two chapters simultaneously. Also, I ended up taking a weekend off to go to DC’s Awesome Con. I got to meet Karl Urban and hear him sing the praises of the upcoming Star Trek Beyond. He was genuinely happy with the new movie, which makes me even more excited for what is about to come. 
> 
> Of course this happened on June 4 and some really bad stuff happened on June 19. As I was literally proofreading this chapter (yes proofreading does take two weeks because my betas are awesome), I wandered over to my twitter timeline and found out about Anton Yelchi’s death, which meant I was literally proofreading this chapter in tears. That’s really difficult to do. I actually had to stop for a while and take a break before I could finish working on it. I added something in this chapter in his honor which resulted in me rewriting almost the entire last act.  
> Warning: grab tissues  
> The title for this chapter comes from our theme song for this story Fucking Perfect by Pink

Dear Mom:

 

I read your email (within about two hours of you actually sending it). I know you may not believe that because in all of my subsequent correspondence I acted as if I didn’t read your words. But I did. I just needed time to think about what to say to you because there’s so much that needs to be said. Let’s be honest, we’re both awful about talking about what’s really going on. It usually ends in shouting, tears, and alcohol and we’re trying to avoid that this time around.

 

I hope your new treatment strategy works this time. I hope that you realize that you don’t need to keep drinking. That you have reasons to stay sober and stay with us. Kevin’s already buried two parents, please don’t make him bury a third anytime soon.

 

Okay, don’t put me through it either. I’ve already lost dad, Sam, Chris, and the original Dr. Suarez and I don’t want to lose you too. Maybe that’s why I’ve always been distant. I’m afraid of getting attached to people because I’ve always been afraid of losing people. It’s happened too many times. Ask Spock about how long it took us to actually get together and all the excuses I made because I was absolutely terrified of being with him. In hindsight the whole thing is a really funny story.

 

Look mom, you can’t keep blaming yourself for things you are not responsible for. It’s not your fault you didn’t see that Frank was a Bastard. He had the whole town fooled. You left when you realized what he really was. That’s more than a lot of people would have done. And you literally did try to cut off his balls, so I let that go a long time ago.

 

Dad dying wasn’t your fault either. According to Liz’s mom, dad was just as eager as you were to take the Kelvin assignment. If it wasn’t for the intervention of one particularly disturbed Romulan, I would be a March baby and could eat a soy burger without going into anaphylaxis. Your choices didn’t lead to that.

 

I personally blame the Tarsus cluster fuck on bad colony planning, choosing the worst person imaginable for governor of the colony, and Starfleet bureaucracy being Starfleet bureaucracy. None of those things were in your control. Actually, you were the one who suggested having a backup plan in case the crops underperformed, it’s not your fault. They didn’t listen. A lot of things are just bad luck and coincidence. There’s no point in blaming yourself.

 

Repeat after me, “I am not responsible for the stupidity of others. What happened was not my fault and I should stop flagellating myself because of it”.

 

And if Spock reads this, he is going to make me repeat those words over and over again until I actually believe it myself. And then I’ll remind him that his mom dying wasn’t his fault either and you probably don’t want to know what will happen next. Just be happy I have a really good marriage, even if you don’t like my husband for the sole fact that he took your baby boy away.

 

I know you’re still unhappy with me joining Starfleet and you think that Kevin only joined Starfleet to follow in my footsteps. First of all, I have it on good authority that in another timeline where you didn’t adopt Kevin after the Tarsus fuck up, he still ended up there. So maybe some things are universal. Second, despite what happened, Kevin still dreams of exploring the universe and has since the moment I’ve met him. So I think he was Starfleet bound regardless.

 

I know you think I joined to prove that I could be as good as George Kirk. And maybe that was part of it, but not in the way you think. I joined to prove that I could be better. That I could follow his footsteps and not die before I reach 30. I almost screwed that one up. But it wasn’t intentional. I don’t have a death wish. I love life and my husband and everything else, including you and Kevin. I’m not ready to leave that behind yet.

 

And I was aware that I was a political pawn, but maybe I was so tired of everybody thinking that I was a fuck up that I went along with it for the sake of proving them all wrong. Almost dying made me realize that I really don’t give a fuck what they think. I’m nobody’s poster boy. I am going to do things my way by my own rules. I’m going to live my life my way.

 

You and me have a lot of things to work through. We’ve gone through some ugly things together and instead of dealing with that at the time, we allowed the wounds to fester. You can’t keep doing that. We can’t keep doing that. I don’t want to keep doing that.

 

I don’t want to lose you. Not only did I help baby Jo Jo bury her mom two weeks ago, I’ve been spending the last year and a half helping Spock deal with losing his mom. According to his therapy journal, he had to remind himself that he couldn’t call Amanda to ask what is the best thing to do for your one-month wedding anniversary. I don’t want to be in that place.

 

I love you, mom, and even if I’m 1 billion light-years away, I’m still going to love you. I want us to be better. We need to be better. If you’re willing to try, so am I.

Love, your son, Jim

Xxxxx

 

Jim looked up from the therapy journal in his hand to see his former therapist wiping tears from her eyes, despite the fact they were eating carryout from her favorite diner in Jim’s apartment. This was their farewell breakfast before she departed for her next mission this morning. Despite it only being 7:15 AM, Spock made himself scarce this morning so the two could have some private time. Said private time involved reading his most recent attempt to write Winona to his former therapist. This is draft number seven.

 

“So you’re actually going to give this version to Winona or is it going in your box of letters for the dead? Actually maybe you should burn this instead of placing it in your letters for the dead box due to the fact it contains classified information?” Of course she’s going to focus on the stuff about a particularly disturbed Romulan.

 

“Actually, I let Spock read the new ones now.” Jim grabbed his orange juice from the table.

 

“That’s progress.” The doctor smiled at him.

 

“Yes, I’m planning to give this to Winona with probably a box of chocolates and then relocate to San Francisco proper while she reads it. Dr. Margarita helped me work on the wording.” He decided to ask his new therapist for help after failed attempt number five. Okay, Spock made him ask his therapist for help after attempt number five.

 

“And I’m glad you’re getting along with your new therapist just as I prepare to depart for the colony again.” In two hours, actually. They were going to have to leave soon to get her to the shuttle taking her to the Hamilton a.k.a. her ride to the colony.

 

“Although I am a little worried that she allowed you to keep classified material in your letter.” Dr. Suarez frowned slightly.

 

"Winona already knows about a certain particularly disturbed Romulan.” Jim started to explain. “Her security clearance is still good because well, she knows more things about Tarsus then Starfleet ever wants to become public. Because of that Chan personally made sure that mom received a full briefing on the guy responsible for murdering her husband.” His mom has known Chan since her Academy days. Apparently they were all friends back then.

 

“How did Winona take the news?"

 

“Badly. She stopped for a shot to settle her nerves and there began Winona’s latest trip off the wagon.” Jim told her darkly.

 

“It’s not exactly the best coping mechanism in the world, but I can’t say anything, considering I did something similar after identifying my wife’s body.”

 

“You’re not an alcoholic.” Jim reached for a chocolate muffin at that point. He needed a chocolate muffin, if he was going to talk about this.

 

“Okay, it’s an even worse coping mechanism when you have a history of substance abuse like your mom or have a family history of alcoholism, like yourself.” His former therapist said poignantly.

 

“I will have you know that my doctor is still limiting my alcohol consumption, even if he is now in Georgia dealing with the fallout from the death of the ex-wife. That woman is a ‘don’t fall into the trap of alcoholism’ PSA all on her own.” Jim explained.

 

“How is Dr. McCoy doing?”

 

“He’s adjusting. Full-time fatherhood is something that he’s wanted to do for a while, but wasn’t able to because his relationship with his ex-wife is so complicated. But now he gets to be Jo Jo’s dad full-time, but it’s because of very tragic reasons and that is triggering a lot of mixed emotions from him. It’s like he feels guilty for being happy that he has Jo Jo now. So I get to do my best friend duty of telling him it’s okay to be happy, despite the circumstances of how you got here. It doesn’t mean you’re being a bad person.”

 

“You sound like you know that from personal experience.” She remarked.

 

“I love Kevin. Sometimes I want to smack him upside the head and I’m a little worried that Admiral Chan is going to hurt me because my baby brother is sleeping with her daughter, but I still love my brother. But if it weren’t for some truly awful circumstances, Kevin wouldn’t be in my life. Or worse, he would be in my life, but he would just be another officer serving under me not my brother and best friend.” Jim shivers a little bit thinking about that possibility, knowing for certain that it happened in another world.

 

 “That was awfully specific.”

 

“Blame other Spock.”

 

Thanks other Spock for giving him another reason to be glad he had the life that he had. Yes, he lost George and Sam and had to deal with a mentally ill alcoholic Winona, but he avoided Tarsus, got Kevin as his little brother, and ended up married to Spock before his 27th birthday. Jim feels like he came out ahead.

 

“I won’t say things are absolutely wonderful right now because they’re not. But it’s like we’re working our way to the happy ending, and will get there eventually with maybe another detour or two.”

 

“So I’m not going to have to worry about you when I’m back on the colony? No more suicide by nobility?”

 

“I’m pretty sure I would jump in front of Spock to keep him from being shot, but I’m not going to go looking for things that will almost get me killed.” He explained.

 

“Again progress.”

 

“And we’re going to be on the colony in a couple of months for the Vulcan wedding, probably maybe sooner if Chan fires me in an hour.” Actually, it was two hours, but who’s counting.

 

“Chan is not going to fire you.”

 

“You don’t know that. You don’t know that, do you?” They could’ve called in Dr. Suarez for a consult.

 

“I’m not your psychologist anymore. That means I wasn’t called in to assess your psych profile.”

 

“Although, if you were asked to give your assessment?”

 

“I would say that you’re still psychologically fit to be captain of a flagship, if that’s what you want to do.”

 

“Let me just say how happy I am that you use the term still.”

Xxxxx

Jim Kirk did not cry when he dropped his former therapist/mother figure without serious mental problems at the Starfleet spaceport to board her shuttle. He may have shed a tear once he safely made it to the men’s room. But it was okay. They were going to the colony for the wedding in less than five months regardless. It would be okay.

 

And if this meeting with Chan went as bad as it could, then they would be moving there sooner since they would be private citizens. And under those circumstances, there was only one place they were going to be.

 

The fact that Chan was late made Jim think that this meeting really was going to be that awful. He took the time to catch up on his 20,000, Yes 20,000 Starfleet emails from the month he was without access to his Starfleet account. Stupid husband for throwing out his Starfleet PADD.

 

The most interesting included Scotty yelling at him for not telling him that Bones’ ex-wife died of an alcohol-related accident. Now he felt awful about the gift he sent. There was also an email from Christine telling him that the two of them were going to get along this Christmas for the sake of Nyota and her aunt Admiral Pike, even if it killed both of them. And since Nhi was going to need family for her first Christmas without her husband, Jim was perfectly willing to get along if Christine was.

 

Nestled underneath hundreds of resumes for new crewmembers and unclassified status reports of other ships in the fleet that he deleted quickly without reading was a simple department notice regarding the new guidelines for an accompany minor post. The new policy meant that long-term exploratory missions, a.k.a. the five year mission would qualify as an accompanied minor position. Granted under normal circumstances Jo Jo would be under the age restriction of 12. But somebody put in a caveat about specialist and well there’s only one doctor in Starfleet who has any experience whatsoever in Vulcan physiology and Bones happen to work really well with Dr. Weston, a.k.a Starfleet’s only Vulcan therapist. Jim had to let Bones know since he would be the one most likely to say no.

 

Me: Check your email. Apparently, thanks to the qualified personnel shortage, the powers that be decided to adjust the rules regarding accompanied assignments.

 

Me: That means if you want, you guys could stay on Enterprise and bring Jo Jo with you. But that’s only if it’s something you want to do.

 

Me: Although I do need to know if that’s something you want to do. Otherwise, if I’m not fired immediately, I’m going to have to talk to Chan about getting a new Romulan expert and doctor who can deal with Spock’s special physiology. They’re probably going to have to bring someone outside from Starfleet for the former and you know that’s going to take six months.

 

Dr. Bones: They’re not going to fire you. They may keep your demotion, but that’s what you want.

 

Me: No, I want to voluntarily let my husband have his moment in the sun. I don’t want someone to tell me I have to.

 

Dr. Bones: It’s moments like these that make me think we really should just stay planet side for the next five years.

 

Me: But you’re not?

 

Dr. Bones: If we qualify, you will have us for the next five years, along with your goddaughter. And you better make sure that the ship doesn’t get blown up with your goddaughter on board.

 

Me: We will try our best.

 

Dr. Bones: You and the hobgoblin are already thinking as one person. It’s a little scary.

 

Me: Of course, but don’t call him that. I thought you guys are getting along better?

 

Dr. Bones: We are. He really helped a lot with Jo Jo. Hobgoblin is now a term of endearment.

 

Me: Good.

 

Dr. Bones: We’re actually getting along so well that he asked me for suggestions on what to get you for your one-month anniversary. I never thought you two would be that sappy.

 

Me: I am. I didn’t think Spock would be. Okay I’m just happy to know that he’s planning something? Any hints as to what?

 

Dr. Bones: I went over all your allergies again so hopefully he gets you something that won’t send you into anaphylaxis. With me in Georgia, you’re going to have to go to some stranger if your sex shenanigans turn lethal.

 

Me: It was one time and a total accident.

 

Dr. Bones: I’m glaring at you right now.

 

Me: So how is baby Bones? She emailed me a couple of drawings yesterday, but she didn’t say anything.

 

Dr. Bones: She made Nyota’s boss fall in love with her yesterday to the point where she’s allowed to audit the Klingon classes until she returns to the regular school in September.

 

Me: That’s probably not a bad idea.

 

Dr. Bones: And she’s doing good with therapy. I’m pretty sure what she emailed you was from therapy.

 

Me: You?

 

Dr. Bones: Nothing’s changed much from last time you asked that question. I still feel ridiculously guilty for being happy that I have custody of my daughter full-time, despite it happening under the world’s worst circumstances.

 

Me: I’m pretty sure how Kevin became my little brother qualifies as the world’s worst circumstances. That involved the mass murder of thousands of people, including Kevin’s biological parents.

 

Me: But I’m still happy that Kevin is my baby brother, except when Chan eviscerates me for him sleeping with her baby girl. According to Liz, her sister is terrified of telling her mom who got her pregnant last Halloween for that very reason.

 

Dr. Bones: I doubt that’s she’s going to take that aggression out on you.

 

Me: Let me know if you still feel that way in eight years. The Admiral just arrived, so I have to go.

 

Jim quickly placed his PADD in the messenger bag that Spock insists he carry to look as professional as possible as he follows behind Admiral Chan into her office.

 

"I apologize for being delayed.” She said taking a seat on her couch instead of behind the large imposing desk.

“This morning’s Admiral’s meeting was supposed to take 30 minutes. It ended up taking an hour and 30 minutes instead. Have a seat.” She pointed to the place on the couch next to her.

 

"That is not a good sign. Should I clean out our Starfleet issue apartment?" He asked not entirely joking.

 

"Only if you want to live somewhere else. You may due to the fact that my granddaughter can be heard screaming two floors up or so I’ve been told.” That explains the baby crying last night at 3 AM that woke Jim up.

 

“Considering so many people want you dead, it may be best to stay somewhere with decent security."

 

"So this is not a ‘the investigation turned out awful and we’re forcing you out of Starfleet’ conversation."

 

"If it were, there would be lawyers here and as you can see no lawyers." She gestured to the completely empty room.

 

"Alexis told me that, but I didn’t believe her.” Because Jim is extra paranoid right now. “But, my brother is dating your daughter. I was expecting the worst for completely different reasons than the grand Starfleet conspiracy."

 

"More people being discovered as participants in the grand Starfleet conspiracy is why the meeting took triple the normal amount of time. Also, most people would be thinking the opposite. Especially considering our kids have been friends for years before their relationship changed." Admiral Chan smiled at him.

 

"I’m not most people. And I don’t exactly consider Kevin my kid."

 

"You raised him about as much as Winona did. It taught you how to be a grown-up, which is a good thing because I don’t think I can deal with a version of Jim Kirk that didn’t learn responsibility."

 

"I’m hoping I don’t run into that dimension's Jim Kirk. So you’re okay with Kevin and Liz dating?" Jim asked.

 

"I like your brother. He’s a good kid, despite some of the really fucked up stuff that happened to him.” Jim is a little surprised to hear the Admiral curse. The only member of the Admiralty he has ever seen cursing was Nhi Pike and that was mostly at her husband’s Memorial service. She may have referred to him as a fucking asshole with tears running down her cheeks as they scattered some of the ashes. But Chan saw Tarsus firsthand and is aware that it warrants cursing.

 

"Also, Lizzie is an adult. She has been ever since I adopted her, due to what happened. But now she’s a legal adult so I can’t stop her from dating anyone unless they turn out to be an abusive asshole and I don’t think your brother qualifies."

 

"I would take Kevin out myself, if he were."

 

"Also, after receiving my little shore leave grandbaby. I made sure that Liz is on a form of birth control that can’t be deactivated by exposure to certain botanicals because I love baby Demora, but I wasn’t planning on becoming a grandmother until at least 2270. I’m too young to be a grandmother and I don’t want another grandchild for at least five more years.”

 

So while in Iowa, Jim found out the true story behind Liz’s favorite little niece. Last Halloween while her sister, Lieutenant Susan Ling-Chan (although, to avoid nepotism accusations she mostly goes by just her father surname professionally) was on shore leave she hooked up with some guy from another ship. That would not have been a problem if she wasn’t accidentally exposed to some local plant life that completely deactivated her birth-control. (The same botanical was used on Nyota by the evil bitch which resulted in so many tears).

 

Liz is not even sure her sister has notified the father yet. Something about him being on a big mission when she went into labor. She’s also afraid of how mommy will react when she finds out who it is.

 

"Winona said something similar. She is also really happy about the fact that Spock and I will have to seriously plan all our forays into parenthood." The Admiral laughed at that.

 

"Look on the bright side, if Susan didn’t have a contraceptive failure during her shore leave last fall, you would have been present for the Starfleet coup d’état and probably wouldn’t be here to see your daughter dating my idiot brother."

 

“Actually, that was more contingent on Susan going into labor at 33 ½ weeks, but you have a point.” The Admiral smiled.

 

“So you won’t eviscerate the guy who got her pregnant when you find out who he is?”

 

"I know who he is and thankfully he’s someone I actually like.” So apparently Liz was wrong in that regard. “They were friends at the Academy, so it wasn’t like Susan got pregnant by a total stranger. It’s just he doesn’t know yet."

 

"And Susan doesn’t want to tell him yet?" Jim asked worriedly.

 

"Yes, but it’s out of her hands now. He’ll know soon enough.” The Admiral said cryptically. “We can talk family stuff next week when Liz comes back. I want to do a big family dinner at our house and you and your husband are invited of course. Now we talk work stuff." Within seconds, the Admiral’s entire demeanor changed. She was all business right now.

 

"Well, since I’m not fired, we have ship stuff to talk about. I was originally going to start with letting you know that Enterprise is going to need a new chief communications officer and chief medical officer, but that may not be a problem anymore due to the new guidelines for accompanied minor assignments that I read about while waiting for you to arrive."

 

“You can thank Admiral Uhura for that. Just try to make sure that you keep our youngest crewmembers safe for the five-year mission.” Nyota’s mom really did force the change. If Jim doesn’t know what to think of that, he’s positive that Nyota was equally confused.

 

"So I’m still in charge of Enterprise, despite the fact I broke the prime directive?" and leading my crew into a trap in an effort to start a war with the Klingons because Carol's father was a dick.

 

"You were psychologically manipulated into breaking the prime directive. That makes a very big difference, to me at least, and I’m in charge. After that, I’m personally shocked that you’re even letting Dr. Margarita Cruz on your ship."

 

"I really wish she had a different last name, but after seeing her willingness to fly down to Georgia to help after what happened made me realize that I can’t hold that against her. But I’m still calling her Dr. Margarita."

 

"That’s probably best." Admiral Chan takes a drink of the coffee she brought with her.

 

"A lot of things such as that came to light during the investigation. For example, Marcus used the fact that many on the committee were uncomfortable with Spock suffering, career wise, due to being linked to you, which is why they went along with the separation." Evil Bastard!

 

"I don’t like that either because Spock is brilliant. He deserves more."

 

"I agree with you. If it wasn’t for the spouse assignment issue, Spock would be given the rank of Captain, due to his apprehension of the terrorist that destroyed the Kelvin facility and mitigating the damage caused by Admiral Marcus’ manipulation.” Jim is too afraid to ask if they discovered evidence of the volcano being purposely activated (which in itself would probably be a violation of the prime directive).

 

“However, since you already have that rank, your husband becomes a victim of the two bodies problem and he’s just going to have to settle for a nice shiny medal."

 

“What if I don’t want him to become a victim?” Jim said deciding it was now or never to let the Admiral know about his decision.

 

“The only way to do that is to give up your rank and be his first officer.”

 

“I’m perfectly willing to do that. First of all, the situation with my mother is very precarious and really complicated. It would be a lot easier for me to make an emergency trip to Earth if Spock was the one in charge to begin with. Second, let’s be honest I should not have been given the Captain stripes to begin with. We both know it was a political maneuver and that I was not qualified when I first took over.” Chan nodded her head in agreement as she kept drinking her coffee.

 

“I'm not sure if I'm entirely qualified yet, but I know Spock is. He taught me how to be a good captain. In light of everything that happened, I think Spock deserves that chair more.” Even if it means having to deal with assholes who are going to enjoy rubbing this in his face.

 

“And I would’ve agreed with you before, but you’ve proven yourself over the last year. You’ve done a lot of good things and you’re starting to grow into your captaincy. So I really don’t want to knock you down to commander.” OK, Jim wasn't expecting to hear that.

 

"It’s good to know that you think that."

 

“However, you do raise a good point. Your family situation is complicated and considering Starfleet is partially culpable for Winona’s current mental state," because they were never planning to send somebody to deal with the Tarsus fuck up and you only went because you violated the orders because Winona is your friend and you weren’t going to leave her there.

 

"We will be bending over backwards to help accommodate that family situation. I think I have a third option that will allow you and Spock to get what you and your husband both deserve and not have to serve on separate ships”

 

“Which is?” Jim asked curious. Could they have reached the same conclusion?

 

“Creative paperwork,” the Admiral smiled as she explained to Jim what she was planning. It took an hour, but Jim had what he wanted. Actually, it would have taken longer, but Susan showed up with baby Demora and they decided to take a cuddle break which lasted until the 12 PM showed up, which turned out to be Sulu.

 

Chan planned this probably knowing that he would accept the proposal and Sulu, as the number two, would have to take on additional responsibilities. Although that should be something the Rear Admiral should be dealing with not Chan. When Susan did not leave her mom’s office when Sulu walked in, Jim started to come up with an entirely different reason why Sulu was meeting with Admiral Chan.

 

That’s when Jim decided to finish reading the rest of his emails in the waiting room. Sulu probably was going to need emotional support, and he deserves it after his help these last few weeks. He also decided to call Chekov to invite him to a late lunch. Jim was going to need back up for this.

Xxxxx

Spock arrived to their apartment at 5:55 PM carrying a bouquet of daisies that Dr. McCoy assured him James would not have an allergic reaction to along with carryout from James favorite restaurant, including a flourless chocolate cake. Spock was hoping that James meeting with Admiral Chan was favorable and that they would be able to celebrate their anniversary tonight as plan. However when he found James in his apartment with Lieutenant Sulu and Ensign Chekov eating a pint of chocolate cookie dough ice cream straight out of the carton Spock became worried.

 

"Should I take this as evidence that this afternoon’s meeting with Admiral Chan went badly?” Spock asked as he placed the flowers and food on the table.

 

“He brought me flowers that won’t send me to the hospital. Isn’t he just the best husband ever?” James said as he leaned over to kiss Spock gently on the mouth. The gesture only lasted for a few seconds due to the fact they had company, much to Spock’s disappointment.

“My grandmother would say he’s a keeper.” Chekov commented from the table.

 

“He definitely is.” James smiled at him. “The meeting with Chan went good. Well, it was good for me. Sulu, on the other hand…” James and Chekov both turned their gaze to Sulu.

 

"It still went good. It was just a bit of a surprise, but a really good surprise. Although my sisters are going to kill me when they find out. Also, I think Nyota may kill me as well.” Sulu lamented.

 

“Especially if she finds out how Yu discovered the perfect plant extract to switch out her birth control shot with.” Chekov added.

 

“She’s adopting Jo Jo, so technically I think she achieved motherhood first and therefore will be okay with the situation,” Jim explained as he started to rifle for the bag of takeout.

 

“Under much worse circumstances and then there’s the Yu thing.” Sulu added.

 

“Sometimes horrible things can have positive consequences.” Chekov commented.

 

“Although let's not tell Nyota that Yu learned about the fertility herb she used to switch out Nyota’s birth control because she treated Susan on the Hamilton after her massive contraceptive failure." Sulu and Chekov nodded their heads in agreement at those words.

 

"I feel as if I am missing pertinent information." Spock remarked feeling slightly confused after listening in on this conversation for the last few minutes.

 

“Do you remember our shore leave where you and I acted like idiots before we finally acknowledged that we were in love with each other?" The other two in the room snickered at this.

 

"Even without my eidetic memory, I would remember those events."

 

"While we were being idiots, Sulu reconnected with one of his friends from the Academy who happens to serve on the Hamilton." James explained.

 

“They reconnected wery well.” Chekov snickered and Sulu glared at him.

 

"I assume that reconnected is a euphemism for intercourse in this instance?” Chekov nodded his head in confirmation.

 

"Except Susan was accidentally exposed to a certain botanical that we all really hate now and…” That’s when Sulu pulled out his PADD to show him an image of a newborn baby, a very familiar newborn. “I like you to meet my daughter Demora.”

 

"That is an image of Liz’s niece." Spock remarked.

 

"See, I married a smart one." James kissed him on the cheek.

 

"You impregnated Admiral Chan’s daughter?" Spock asked.

 

"Yes, and I didn’t know about it until today."

 

“Which is why the three of you are imbibing vast amounts of chocolate ice cream?"

 

"Well, we thought about doing liquor, but I’m supposed to not do more than a shot at a time and Sulu has a play date tonight with his baby girl.” James explained.

 

“And I prefer not to drink alone.” Chekov added.

 

“So we went shopping for baby toys and picked up a few cartons of ice cream on the way home.” James pointed to the several bags of baby toys and other paraphernalia lying near their couch.

 

"Which explains why you went to Build A Bear Workshop." Spock said, noticing the bag on the floor away from the other items.

 

"That’s actually your anniversary present." James told him.

 

"And even I can recognize a romantic takeout dinner when I see one, so I’m going to head down to Susan’s apartment for quality baby time and introduce Chekov to my baby girl." Sulu said as he got up from the table and made his way towards the door.

 

“I’m wery excited to meet Ms. Demora.” Chekov joined him.

 

"Are you going to be okay?" James asked.

 

“I think we will be. At least Susan and I like each other. Which is more than can be said for a lot of people in this situation.” Spock decided it was only polite not to mention how similar that was to the situation that Dr. McCoy found himself in prior to his ex-wife’s untimely death.

 

"Susan says I can come over anytime I want and Chan is moving me into the apartment next-door so I'll be close by.”

 

“Which means I’m losing my roommate, but I’m willing to make the sacrifice.” Chekov commented.

 

“Especially because you won’t have to listen to a crying baby that way.” Sulu joked. “I am on paternity leave for the next three months so we can bond.”

 

“That’s good.” James commented.

 

“Have a good one month anniversary and don’t tell me any details when I see you next time.”

 

"Don’t you want to know what I’m planning to do with the chocolate raspberry body paint?"

 

"No." At that both gentlemen left the apartment and Spock was alone with his husband. That resulted in Spock kissing his husband in the way he preferred.

 

"You got me a flourless chocolate cake and steak. If we weren’t already married. I would marry you again." James said breaking the kiss.

 

"In that case, it is quite fortunate that my father is requiring us to go through the Vulcan ceremony during December." Spock said pulling away from his husband.

 

"He left a video message reminding you to do something for our one month anniversary because Amanda really didn’t like when he forgot it." James smiled at him.

 

"No, she did not." Spock told his husband as he began to place the takeout on the kitchen table.

 

"Which is why you got me flowers and chocolate torte.” Along with a gift basket from the red light district of Risa he will give to James after dinner.

 

"I’m just going to give you your present now. Because otherwise I’m going to be jumpy for all of dinner." Jim said grabbing the Build A Bear Workshop bag and handing it over to Spock.

 

"You got me a stuffed bear wearing a Starfleet command uniform?" He said after freeing the animal from the yellow tissue paper.

 

“He’s supposed to represent you and Spock bear also plays the lullaby perfect when you hug him." Jim said as he squeezed the bear.

 

"Okay the song was originally called Fucking Perfect when it came out, but the curse words were removed when it was re-appropriated as a lullaby about a century ago. Winona used to sing it to me." James explained.

 

"I’m familiar with the lullaby. Amanda used to sing it to me as a child."

 

"I’m not surprised.” James smiled at him. "I guess what I’m trying to say is Congratulations, Captain Spock. Please be gentle with our baby, especially because Jo Jo is going to be on board.”

 

"Your request for demotion was granted?” After their many discussions, he knew this was James’ preference. However, Spock was not entirely content with James’ decision because he feels like James is making this decision because he does not believe in himself. Spock knew better, but he also realized with the Winona situation being what it was, maybe James could use less stress in his life and being captain is stressful. Spock was willing to step in for his husband whenever necessary.

 

"No. They were not going to give you the promotion you deserved for undoing the damage caused to an innocent planet by insane members of Starfleet and apprehending a very dangerous terrorist. I had to fix that." James explained.

 

"So the entire volcano incident was engineered?" Spock asked his husband.

 

"It was implied, but I didn’t ask for confirmation. I don’t want to know the truth.” Spock could understand that. “You know I prefer for you to be in charge."

 

“Because you doubt your own self-worth?” He commented.

 

"No, because I believe in your value. Also Chan said point blank that I’ve become a really great Captain over the last year.”

 

“You have.”

 

“Because of you. That is why I think you should take it."

 

“What about you?”

 

“The plan is for you to be Captain of Enterprise with me functioning as your first officer even though on paper we will be at the same rank. They’re still trying to figure out what I'll actually be called out loud." James explained excitedly. “But I’m nowhere near as narcissistic as everyone thinks I am so it’s not a big deal.”

 

“I do not believe there is precedence for both members of a command team being at the same rank before."

 

"There is a first time for everything. Starfleet hasn’t dealt with that many married command teams so they are willing to do something unprecedented now that Chan is in charge.” Entirely possible given her reputation. “Although I honestly think Chan agreed to this because it’s what they did with her and her first husband and paperwork wise it will be easier to make us admirals at the same time this way."

 

“Could there concerns about us suing Starfleet due to their gross negligence in preventing the conspiracy against us be another contributing factor to this unorthodox decision?"

 

“Possibly. It’s all political.” James shrugged. “It’s just this time Chan actually likes me. Would it make you feel better if I agreed to be in charge for the next five year mission?" James asked.

 

"Yes.” Because James still deserve success. “I believe you are brilliant, capable, and can be anything you truly desire. Although perfection is something that is supposedly unattainable, I perceive you as perfect."

 

"I love you.” James kissed him on the mouth. “And I still can’t believe that you married me. But you did and we survived our first month together. Hopefully we will have at least 9,999 more to go.

 

“Considering the average human life expectancy is now 110 years. I estimate that we have 10,007 more months of married life.”

 

“I was close enough.” James said before leaning over to kiss him again.

 

Due to certain activities they did not partake in the dinner that Spock brought until 78.2 minutes later. They ate on the couch because the kitchen table was no longer intact (the part of dinner that was not crushed by their activities anyway).

  


To be concluded with epilogue letters

(That are already written and just need to be proofread.)


	42. Epilogue: You are Perfect to Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read or review the last chapter. This is it the final chapter/collection of letters for Dear James. I wanted to get this up so badly before the 22 that I finalize this during my vacation, which was hard to do. I did not listen to this again with the screen reading software because of this. If I did, this would not get up till Tuesday at the earliest.
> 
> I would like to thank everybody who has read, reviewed, follow the story or has left kudos during the three-year journey to re-contextualize Star Trek Into Darkness. You have all been lovely and have kept me in the creative zone. 
> 
> I would also like to thank everybody who has been a beta on the story including T'Purr, GraysonSteele, and Ursula Reeber. Without the help of any of you, this story would not have turned out anywhere near as good and it would’ve been littered with typos that probably would’ve made me cry.
> 
> So there is a spoiler in this for Star Trek Beyond, but my God, it’s all over the Internet. I’m sure you all know. Also, in all of the Star Trek stories I’ve written, only one time have I written Sulu as 100% heterosexual, which was in the Warning: Assumptions Are Bad universe where everyone just assumed that he was gay. He was even bisexual (or a Kinsey 4/5) in my story Sulu, You Fool, where he ends up getting Nyota pregnant due to fertility cookies and a friends with benefits relationship. It is the same in this story. It’s just I’m finally getting to write a character that’s LGBPTAQ+ in canon or more accurately, this is the first time I’m aware that we are all on the same page here. I’m happy about that, even if some are not. I’m going with a Kinsey 4/5 interpretation because it helps alleviate some unfortunate implications that certain people have raised.

XXXXXX

August 12, 2259

 

Dear Dad:

 

Sorry, it's been a while. Life has been busy. I don't think I've written to you since I first became captain of the Enterprise. I think my last letter was mostly about cursing out Nero and telling you that he was the guy who murdered you in the first place. Being a Captain takes a lot of your time, especially when you feel like you have no idea what the hell you’re doing which pretty much summarized my entire year as a Starfleet Captain.

 

Making someone a Captain straight out of the Academy at 25 is a bad idea. It is an absolutely awful idea. I only survived by the grace of my First Officer who is now my new boss and I’m totally cool with that. Actually it was my idea because 25-year-olds should not be made Starfleet captains straight out of the Academy.

 

The other reason why I haven’t been writing you anywhere near as much as I used to is I found somebody new to write these letters to. His name is Spock and he was my first officer, but now he’s my Captain although I still have the rank of Captain myself because Starfleet bureaucracy is weird. (They still don’t know what they are going to call me). It’s a long story and I’ll explain later.

 

I kind of started writing him because I thought he was a complete asshole and even I knew better than to say that to my First Officer’s face so I ended up writing it in an email that I never planned to send because I didn’t exactly have a therapy journal in hand. Except voice rec is evil and maybe I’m a little full of myself when it comes to my computer skills. I sort of created a little glitch that automatically forwarded those emails to the object of my frustrations.

 

Which honestly was for the best because it allowed us to work through our problems. And by working through our problems, I mean acknowledging that we’re kind of ridiculously attracted to/kind of in love with each other, but neither one of us was emotionally stable enough to deal with those feelings. It all came out a little violent and belligerent. So it turns out most of the fighting was sexual tension and well, you know about my sordid relationship history. It took a while and the intervention of a therapist and his nosy ex-girlfriend to work through all of that, but we did and I’m happy. I don’t think I’ve been this happy before ever.

 

Which is a small miracle considering we are still absolutely shit at talking to each other. I even kept the glitch in place after we both acknowledged that we were secretly reading each other’s therapy emails/journals. But we are getting better.

 

I’m just going to give this letter to Spock after I’m done writing it. His therapy journals are always open to me, but honestly we don’t need it, at least not as much as we did in the beginning. We talk to each other now. Even when scared and terrified, we tell each other things that we would never, ever tell anybody else. I didn’t think I would ever find somebody like that and here we are.

 

I trust him enough to let him read this and all the other letters that I’ve written to you over the years. I actually trust him enough to read the Frank letters. I didn’t even let my therapist read the Frank letters, but I handed the stack over to Spock yesterday when we were cleaning out my storage lockers so we can move everything into our new unit.

 

Spock was out for blood after reading said letters until I told him that Frank was dead because that’s what happens to people like him in prison. Even in the 23rd century. It happened recently and nobody deserved it more.

 

So I probably should tell you the reason why we’re combining our storage is we are married. So surprise, you now have a Vulcan son-in-law with adorable ears and all. And he’s just the best husband ever. He got me chocolate torte for our one-month anniversary and body paint, but I’m not going to talk to you about that.

 

Yes, we survived our first month of marriage with flying colors and are working on our second month, which means doing domestic things like combining our checking accounts, our storage units, and redoing our wills. Seriously, why is there so much paperwork involved with being married?

 

No, it was not a shotgun wedding which is totally impossible due to lots of reasons including the fact that I’m sterile. So sorry, dad you won’t be getting any biological grandbabies from me, but my husband’s an endangered species. So they’ll be coming eventually, especially if Rebecca Murakami-Marcus successfully convinces Spock to be her and Carol’s sperm donor. In the meantime, Kevin’s around to carry on the Kirk name as well. So the name will live on at least because I just know he’s going to get Admiral Chan’s daughter pregnant any day now. They are like jackrabbits.

 

Spock and I did end up getting married sooner than I thought we would because we almost lost each other. Or rather, he almost lost me and we decided that we don’t want that to happen again. Okay, we almost lost each other because Starfleet has been infiltrated by assholes that were actively trying to screw with us for the sake of starting a war with the Klingons because they were warmongering crazy people. I’m not even going to explain all that to you. Really, dad, you don’t want to know.

 

 Let’s just say the Starfleet you joined and the Starfleet I joined are two totally different entities. But I’m staying on to make sure it becomes the Starfleet that it’s supposed to be again and not the organization that it’s become since the incident when you died.

 

So I should probably tell you that I died too, but only a little. Only technically, I was put into cryo-stasis before I lost brain function and then something happened that’s way too classified to even tell the dead in writing. Because I was being an idiot who was in a sacrificial state of mind, I may have written last will and testament letters to family and friends, including mom, which sort of led to her falling spectacularly off the wagon.

 

Actually she’s been off the wagon ever since she found out about a particularly disturbed Romulan that pretty much changed the course of our life entirely. Wouldn’t you fall off the wagon to if you found out that your husband was murdered by a time traveling Romulan? The problem was, she never tried to get back on the wagon until it got really bad.

 

But it’s sorted now. I found the love of my life. Spock and I had our problems, but we’re good. We still have our problems; we just learn to work around it. Like he gets all weird when I eat a hamburger in front of him, but he lets it go because I’m allergic to most vegan forms of protein.

 

We really care about one another so we’re going to work through that even if we have the numbers of multiple therapists in our communicators for emergencies. We are committed to one another even if it means that I’m going to be his First Officer for the next five years. And no, I don’t see that as a step down, more like this is what it needs to be for us. I really don’t give a fuck about what anyone else thinks about that.

 

Winona is doing better. After finishing her latest trip to mental health rehab, she’s moved into a sober living community in nearby Berkeley. It’s easier for Kevin and I to keep an eye on her if she’s close by. Nhi will be in the area for the duration and she’s willing to help out as well. That’s another good thing.

 

Nhi is an admiral now. Which means planet based assignments for the near future. Due to the circumstances behind how she became an Admiral, most of those assignments will probably be in San Francisco.

 

I guess I should mention that Nhi Pike is now a member of the Starfleet widows' club. Chris was murdered by a particularly disturbed individual due to Alexander Marcus being a bastard and that’s all I’m going to say about that. Losing Pike was hard, but I’m working through it even if I’m not entirely able to really talk about it yet.

 

Things are even going good for Kevin. I mentioned earlier that he is dating Admiral Chan’s daughter. They’ve made it to the one-month mark. For the sake of my career, I hope Kevin doesn’t screw this up. Your brother dating your boss’s daughter can be very stressful.

 

I guess I should also let you know that your friend is now in charge of Starfleet. There was a bit of a coup d’état and the idiot who was trying to do the coup d’état forgot to make sure that everybody that he was planning to kill off was actually going to be there.

 

Instead, Susan went into labor early and baby D saved grandma’s life. Which is probably why Chan is so forgiving of the guy who accidentally got her middle daughter pregnant during a shore leave hookup on Halloween. We had one very fun family dinner last week that promptly descended into absolute chaos.

 

Okay, it wasn’t exactly a random Halloween hook up. It was a three-way between Sulu, Susan, and her then boyfriend, who Liz now referred to as Lieutenant Asshole. She wanted to try something and invited a friend to help. Except Lieutenant Asshole accidentally picked up fertility lube because his ability to read the local language was awful. When the pregnancy test turned out positive, Lieutenant Asshole got the hell off of the Hamilton as fast as possible because fatherhood was not his thing.

 

Thankfully, miracles happen and Sulu was the biological father. Which was good because if there is such a thing as a natural born father, it’s him. (Although Spock bears a close second with his ability to get baby D to stop screaming after she manages to wake up our apartment block.)

 

Susan was trying to keep her mom from finding out about this, but Liz blabbed the whole thing and mommy Chan was not happy that Susan was afraid to tell her the truth. The entire thing descended into screaming and food being thrown about. I’m not sure all the blueberry is out of my hair yet. Winona had to calm Chan down. Winona! Eventually they hugged it out.

 

Admiral Chan was furious in a disappointed with one of her officer’s sort of way. This is why Lieutenant Asshole is now stationed on Delta Vega for the next five years. See this is why I’m afraid of what will happen if Kevin screws up. Delta Vega is cold and inhabited by wildlife that are scary as hell.

 

Did I ever tell you about what happened on Delta Vega a year and a half ago? Maybe another day because this is getting long.

 

In closing, just let me say I miss you. I know it seems strange to miss someone you never met, but I do or maybe I at least missed the fact that I never got to make those memories with you. I was always angry about that, but I think I’m moving past that anger. I’m coming into the next stage of my life and I like it. Things are good at the moment. Or at least as good as they can be. We had to work a long time to get here, but I’m here now and things are good.

 

If I don’t write anywhere near as much as I used to, it’s not because I don’t love you anymore. It’s because I’m in a place where I don’t need it. I think that’s something that every parent wants.

 

Love, your son,

Jim

 

Xxxxxxxxx

 

September 13, 2259

 

Dear Joanna:

 

I never thought I would be writing you one of these letters, as a therapy assignment no less. Okay, I never thought I would be writing you one of these letters where I would be civil instead of cursing your name because of all the things you put me through regarding Jo Jo. But you’ve been gone since July and I have had time to make peace with a lot of things. Then again you probably never thought I would end up in therapy, but I respect Dr. Margarita Cruz enough to accept her guidance and it’s been a long couple of months.

 

Having to battle your father in court has taught me that a lot of the things you put me through were because of him. He really did screw with you. You probably had no idea all the bad things you picked up from him. I am sorry you had such an evil man as a father. I wish things could’ve been different for you. Maybe you would still be here if they were. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to help you overcome the cycle of abuse.

 

You’ll be happy to know that we won the court battle against him. Our lawyer, Shawn, and your ex-boyfriend always felt we would, but your stepmom turning on your dad really made certain of that.

 

The guy was too dumb to realize that you do not move on to next year’s model during the middle of litigation, especially when this year’s model knows where all your skeletons are buried. Your dad had a ship full of skeletons. The district Attorney in Atlanta is going to be spending years litigating your father with all the things that have come out in the last 48 hours. Couldn’t have happen to an eviler bastard.

 

Our little girl is doing well. She’s adjusting to her new school schedule. Since she’s going to start homeschooling come January anyway due to our relocation to Enterprise, we decided to start early. It works out best because it gives her more time for self-defense and language classes. I think she’s going to be fluent in Klingon by January.

 

I’m not sorry that I have Jo Jo. I’m sorry you’re dead and I wish things could be different, but I’m happy I have my daughter. I’m going to be there to raise her, even if I’m terrified of taking her into space. Anything could go wrong there. But I would rather have her with us because anything can go wrong here as what happened to you showed us. The best I can do is make sure that she’s prepared for the darkness of space.

 

I won’t end this by saying that I miss you, because our relationship was too complicated for those type of sentiments. But I wish we could’ve ended things on better terms. I promise to take care of our girl and so will Nyota. She loves Jo Jo as if she was her own daughter. I don’t think you could ask for more.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

October 1 2259

 

Dear baby:

 

I’m writing you this because Dr. Margarita thought this would be a good way for me to deal with everything I’m going to have to handle these next couple of days that will remind me of your loss. I’m back in San Francisco this week for the trial of the person who messed up my birth-control so I ended up conceiving you in the first place. Going through the trial has been bringing up a lot of bad memories that I thought I have been processing. Maybe I wasn’t quite there yet.

 

Again, don’t think I’m participating in the trial because I didn’t want you because I did. I think I’m here to get some sort of closure on the situation in an effort to figure out why she hated me so much.

 

What she did was wrong. It was cruel. You don’t screw with someone’s medication, especially when you take an oath to protect. She violated her oath to the medical profession for her own petty jealousy and she deserves to pay for that. It’s 2259 and we’re still fucking our fellow sentient beings over just because they ended up with the guy that we want. What is wrong with some people? I don’t know and I don’t think I’ll ever know.

 

I am also furious with her for taking away my choice because if you were a planned pregnancy, I would’ve known you were there and I wouldn’t have gone on that mission to the Klingon home world. I would’ve been extra careful. I probably would’ve asked to be reassigned to someplace planet side and Jim would’ve given into that request because of the reason why he was born a preemie.

 

If I could have planned ahead, maybe you would be here now. Or maybe things would have played out the same way, but at least there wouldn’t be this voice in the back of my head that keeps telling me the miscarriage was my fault. I don’t think it really was, but that doesn’t take the guilt away.

 

The whole trip isn’t just sad things. I also got to meet baby Sulu today along with daddy’s new boyfriend. Sulu’s new boyfriend gets bonus points for not freaking out over the surprise shore leave baby. A lot of people would’ve ran the other way after finding that their boyfriend of two weeks got someone pregnant during a shore leave ménage à trois with a friend. He did not. Demora looks so much like her daddy and she’s so wrapped around daddy’s little finger. It’s adorable.

 

I’m not jealous, not really. I am a little sad because, in my mind, I’m picturing you playing with her and becoming the best of friends and that’s just not going to happen. Maybe I’m a tiny bit jealous, but I don’t want to say anything to take away his happiness at this. I want to be a good friend. I’m just going to leave my personal baggage for therapy. No need to air dirty laundry. Also I think some of the jealousy dissipated when I was asked to change a dirty diaper.

 

Your big sister did have fun holding Demora (and picking out a new baby wardrobe for the little one). Also the new boyfriend has a daughter who’s only a couple of months older from a previous relationship so at least she still can have a playmate. (Maybe that’s why he didn’t run away). There’s a silver lining in any situation.

 

Thankfully, Jo Jo had enough decorum not to ask when we would be making her a big sister. I should be thankful that her mom told her about the miscarriage before she died. It made things easier.

 

I think someday we will make her a big sister, just not anytime soon. There’s a five-year mission first and I couldn’t leave my baby behind. Hikaru is already in tears thinking about when he’s going to have to leave. I couldn’t deal with that, which means waiting until it’s over.

 

Surprisingly enough, I do see Leonard and me together in five years. (The fact that I not only did not disable Jim’s special email trick that forwards letters to my boyfriend, but I’m going to hand this letter over to him shows that I really do trust Leonard to know everything, even the sad stuff.) I still see us as a family after the big mission is over and maybe then we will be able to sit down with a calendar and decide when we’re going to expand our family. Although poor Jo Jo is going to be at least 16 by that point. Hikaru says that’s okay because we’ll have a built-in babysitter. I’m not sure if Jo Jo is going to be okay with that, but she is enjoying her practice with Demora. I think she has appointed herself as the little girl’s big sister.

 

Just know that I loved you and your daddy loved you even though we didn’t know about you until you were already gone. We both did. You’ll always have a piece of our hearts even as we move forward.

 

Love Always,

Mommy

 

Xxxxxxxx

 

October 29 2259

 

Dear Amanda:

 

I guess I should start this by introducing myself as your son-in-law. Spock and I have been married for four months now and everything is going well so far even if he’s dragging me back to new Vulcan to help out for the next two months. Really, I’m surprised we made it this far. My relationship track record is disastrous at best and nonexistent at worst.

 

You will be happy to know that the new colony is just as ridiculously hot as old Vulcan. Although there is more vegetation, but still ridiculously hot. It must be true love if I’m coming here voluntarily for two months, even if we are going to be bunking with Sarek. I am also committed to getting remarried out in the desert sand in full Vulcan robes. Definitely love. Love makes you do irrational things, like putting yourself at risk for heatstroke and spending quality time with the Vulcan that keeps feeding you things you’re allergic to. I’ve been reassured that it was an accident, but you can never tell with your husband. It’s the lack of smile. Maybe you found that sexy.

 

I’m sorry that we never got to meet. I’ve heard great things about you from Spock. Your grilled cheese is legendary as well as your tomato zucchini soup. I think I’ve finally perfected the recipe. I also heard that you were the toughest woman on the block and wouldn’t let anybody hurt your son.

 

Spock’s BFF Nyota wants to be the type of mom you were to her new adopted daughter Jo Jo. Congratulations you’re the gold standard of moms among our group. No, that isn’t just because we had really complicated relationships with our own mothers. Apparently, you were just that good.

 

I know that you were a fighter for sentient rights in the Federation. I’ve run into a lot of people who have sung your praises. You even tried to stop the sex trade. They’re trying to name a new regulation after you regarding that. So your fight lives on, even though you’re no longer with us.

 

Your husband also says good things about you. According to him, kindest and most intriguing being in the alpha quadrant. Yes, he used such flowery language. Even Spock was a little surprised.

 

I guess you should know that your death had one good outcome, father and son are now on speaking terms with each other and have worked through their issues. They still argue over dinner sometimes, but they always work it out before the end of the night. I guess losing you made them both realize that their petty grudge was stupid and that there’s no point in staying angry at one another, not after losing so much. I think maybe they realize that they’re not as different as they thought they were. It probably helps that your husband actually likes me, sometimes.

 

Sarek misses you, probably as much as Spock does, maybe even more. He just doesn’t say it out loud, but I can tell. There’s a picture of you in his study. Sarek planted rosebushes at the new house that must be in your honor because Spock told me all about your rose garden back at the old house. He made us bring a few boxes of your favorite cookies with us.

 

Actually, I’m surprisingly okay with me having your necklace. He said it was always intended to be a wedding present for Spock’s perspective life partner and therefore I should wear it probably and I do every day underneath my shirt, even though I’m sure you were probably expecting a daughter-in-law. Sorry about that.

 

I’m probably nobody’s first choice of son-in-law. I’m impulsive. I do dumb things. I have a lot of baggage because my daddy died the day I was born, my stepdad molested me, my oldest brother was murdered by a psychopath with delusions of grandeur during the Tarsus fuck up, and my mom is an alcoholic. That’s not even touching the recent stuff like the Starfleet coup d’état. There’s a reason why I have multiple therapists on speed dial.

 

 But I still love your son with all my being. I would die for him. Actually, I did and he was really mad about that. But we worked through it and we’re stronger now than we were before.

 

Rest assured that I will always have your son’s back. I’m always going to be there for him, even when we’re fighting over silly stuff like how many shelves I can have in the refrigerator for meat products. He’s in good hands. I will protect him until my last breath.

 

Always, your son-in-law

James Tiberius Spock-Kirk

 

Xxxxxxxxx

November 4, 2259

 

Dear Joanna:

 

I thought I would take a few minutes to write to you on this date to let you know I have officially become Jo Jo’s mother. I also just want to say thank you. Not for the accident because that would be crass. But thank you for having her in the first place when we both know you didn’t want to. I really don’t want to picture my life without Jo Jo. I’m sure it would be miserable, so I don’t hate you anymore because you gave me my daughter.

 

We’re signing the papers in an hour at the lawyer’s offices and Josephine couldn’t be happier. I guess I should let you know that Jo Jo decided to change her name. I think it was her way of completely breaking away from your father. We tried to keep Jo Jo from finding out about your father’s darker side, but a lot of bad things came out during the custody trial and that stuff made the web. And if it made the web, Jo Jo’s friends found out about it and told her which is the number one reason why we decided to go with homeschooling.

 

The press got worse when you’re now former stepmother went on every local talk show in Atlanta to defame the man. Again we had to homeschool Jo Jo for her own protection.

 

Anyway, our daughter’s official name is going to be Josephine Jamie Uhura-McCoy. No, I did not force her to take my last name. I was actually surprised when she told me about it. There was no way we were able to talk her out of it because she’s very stubborn like that now. I think she’s like that because we allow her to have her own choices and opinions. Now that she can be her own person, she’s not going to give it up.

 

I’m not blaming you for that. There’s no point because you’re gone. You can’t change the past. I understand why you did what you did a little better now. I still think you had problems and needed serious help, but it’s too late now, isn’t it? The only thing left for me to do is make sure that Josephine grows up to be a good person.

 

And she will. I will do everything in my power to keep her safe. You have my word on that. I love my daughter. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t spend 36 hours in labor to have her because she’s mine. She always will be. I promise you that.

 

Xxxxxxxx

December 12, 2259

 

Dear Mother:

 

I miss you terribly. I always dreamt that you would be with me at the time of my formal bonding ceremony. I knew that due to circumstances, it would most likely occur during my time if such a thing would happen. And it will eventually, but that’s not a concern because I have James.

 

Yet, I am going through the ceremony on this December day without you. Not on the sands that our forefathers stood upon for millennia, but on this strange new planet that will serve as home for the survivors. Because of my husband’s influence, I will acknowledge that I am sad at this occasion. I miss your presence. I wish for your guidance as I embark upon this next part of my life.

 

Yes, we are already committed to one another in the human tradition and have been for more than five months. But there is something different about going through the ceremony of my ancestors and publicly affirming to one another in front of Father. The bond has been present in our minds since nearly the beginning of our acquaintance, but this is a formalization of that. It is just that I wish you were here to partake in this.

 

I know wishes are illogical. I know wishes cannot bring you back from death. I know that you’re conscious of nothing and that the only one who will read these words is my James, but I still write them and I still wish for your presence. I miss you. I love you.

 

I never said that while you were alive. It is my deepest regret. I was afraid to show such sentiments. I thought that it was not the Vulcan way to display such things. In loss, I have learned better than that. I will show affection to those who deserve it. I will tell them exactly how they make me feel, even if I must write it down upon paper. I will be more mindful of this in the future. It is what you deserve.

 

Love your son,

Spock.

XXXX

 

December 31 2259

 

Dear Marc and Gaila:

 

I’m probably an awful friend for writing to both of you at the same time, but I didn’t want to tell one of you something and not the other. I miss you both terribly and I figure I should tell you everything that’s happened this year. Okay my therapist has decided that I’m telling you everything that’s happened this year.

 

It’s been a long year. I’ve done everything this year from fighting Klingons to teaching Romulan nouns at UF Georgia to bratty kids who made me really wish I was fighting Klingons again. I don’t know how grandma did this for 30 years. I’m itching to get back into space after one semester.

 

In other interesting news, Jim and Spock got together to the point that they got married in June and had their Vulcan ceremony just a couple of weeks ago. The ceremony ended up happening in June with just 24 hours’ notice because of Starfleet meddling. Marc, thankfully your ex-boyfriend’s sister is a god among wedding planners. Some days I wish you didn’t break up with Hikaru because then you wouldn’t have ended up with the bastard that made you think you shouldn’t be here anymore. Seriously, why did you not introduce me to him when you guys were together. We are starting to become close friends now.

 

Okay the wedding really happened as fast as it did because Jim died on a mission and Spock went off the deep end. Never kill a Vulcan’s mate. You will end up in pieces. I was the only one who could get through to him when he was channeling his pre-reform ancestors. Although that was because when you touch a Vulcan who just lost his bondmate, a new bond is formed to help stabilize. According to Starfleet’s resident Vulcan expert, we kind of accidentally formed a familial bond when I kind of had to pull him off of the guy responsible for Jim’s temporary death. Thank all the omnipotent beings in the galaxy the death was temporary.

 

Also, according to said Vulcan expert, psychically we are like siblings. Which is a little problematic because we slept together due to the fact I use sex as a coping mechanism to deal with trauma. So you should know Marc that I slept with Gaila when you died and Gaila, I slept with Spock when you died because I couldn’t deal with everything.

 

I decided not to look at it that closely. Let’s just say I’ve learned not to touch emotionally distraught Vulcans with bare skin, even if it’s to keep them from murdering someone with their bare hands.

 

I’m still with Leonard or rather I’m back with Leonard after we took a break. The break made me realize that I really do love this man. I think this is going to be a permanent thing. Although there are no wedding gowns in my future. I think there are other ways to do commitment, such as the fact that I adopted my boyfriend’s daughter after her mom died.

 

Honestly, I think that’s more of a commitment than a marriage license. Marriage is temporary, children are forever. So yes, Miss I never want a husband or kids has a long-term partner and a daughter. Remind me to never say never again. I bet you’re laughing at me right now.

 

I almost became a mom the more traditional way but I lost the baby. The person who was responsible for getting me pregnant in the first place is serving ten years for slipping me fertility drugs in addition to 40 for conspiracy to overthrow the government. Yes, this actually happened because of petty jealousy. No, I don't want to talk about it anymore.

 

I just arrived back in San Francisco to get ready for the five-year mission last week, just in time for Christmas chaos. We’ve been in the Atlanta suburbs for the last six months, but you probably got that from my comments about working at UF Georgia earlier. After a very bad June, I needed a break from Starfleet and San Francisco. My mom the Admiral pulled some strings with a friend and I ended up temporarily following in my grandmother’s footsteps by becoming a college professor for a semester.

 

It really was a good experience except for dealing with certain kids that made me want to tear my hair out. Maybe someday I would want to do it again, but I’m anxious to get back in space. I’m looking forward to discovering new worlds and planets

 

At least it won’t be too much longer. We are leaving in February on a five-year mission. Thanks to new rules, Jo Jo is going with us. Which I’m happy about because I don’t want a repeat of my own childhood. At the same time, I’m a little scared about that. Space can be dangerous, especially if you’re going into the unknown. But life is dangerous and I’d rather have her with us.

 

So that basically means the last couple weeks will be all of us running around like crazy getting her ready to go into space. She’s not happy about most of her toys going into storage and there may have been crying during the vaccination process. Leonard felt awful about that. But at least she didn’t swell like a balloon, unlike some first officers/assistant captains that I know.

 

I also survived my first family Christmas ever. My mom was there. My dad was not, because after 32 years of marriage, she’s done with him. Honestly, I think their marriage survived so long because they were mostly on separate ships and she wasn’t around to see him screw around with his hook up of the week. However, six months together in the same city and things went badly. Like she had to call the cops on him badly. Needless to say he’s no longer in Starfleet because of that.

 

Other Christmas highlights include Jo Jo being really sad that she’s going to have to put most of her haul from this holiday in to storage. Although she’s taking the Spock bear from her Uncle Jim with her.

 

Baby Demora, Hikaru’s six-month old daughter, managed to cover herself in eggnog because somebody left his cup on her high chair, and then subsequently break out in hives because she’s allergic to eggs. Demora’s daddy along with his boyfriend and her mommy were absolutely terrified along with Chekhov because it was his cup. But it was okay because my wonderful boyfriend always keeps an allergy hypo on him because his BFF breaks out in hives a lot.

 

Yes, Hikaru has a daughter. Shore leave hookup with a FWB who happens to be the daughter of our big boss and her then boyfriend. Thankfully, Admiral Chan likes Hikaru a lot better than the now ex-boyfriend who was also present during conception and ran away when the rabbit died. Susan was really happy that the universe chose Sulu as the daddy. We all are.

 

Finally, Jim and my friend Christine (remember her from chemistry) also managed to get into what can only be described as a wrapping paper fight. I’m not entirely sure how it happened, but Jim ended up with a black eye. I should totally have expected that with those two. Their issues are ridiculous. I wish you were both there to help keep them on other sides of the room.

 

Anyway, miss you both.

 

Always, your friend,

Nyota.

 

Xxxxxxxxx

 

February 4, 2260

 

Dear Chris:

 

I still hate writing these letters to the dead to you. You weren’t supposed to leave me. You definitely weren’t supposed to leave Nih behind. I had to spend Christmas with Christine. I ended up with a black eye and Jo Jo had to sit between us for the rest of the festivities to keep us from getting violent. You weren’t supposed to do this to me.

 

Now I’m stuck here trying to write you a speech for your official remembrance ceremony before Enterprise is rechristened. Even though Spock is Captain, I’m the one making the speech.

(Technically, I’m his Assistant Captain/1st officer because we have the same rank). I think this is because Chan is a sadist (she reassigned Susan’s abandoning ex-boyfriend to Delta Vega) and so is my new Admiral Rodriguez (she’s the one whose actual name is on the Delta Vega order). In light of the things that they’ve done, maybe I shouldn’t be that mad about having to do the speech.

 

The problem is I am still trying to figure out how to summarize what you mean to me in this five-minute speech in front of a group of total strangers and people I used to be in charge of. Should I be offended that a lot of them are happy that Spock is now their boss instead of me? Do they realize that the first officer or in my case, Assistant Captain has the real decision-making power when it comes to administrative matters? Probably not. There’s like a list of 200 people that did not make their way back on the ship due to my veto power

 

Yep, I’m stalling because even in this letter, I can’t summarize what you mean to me. I realize that now that I have about 12 versions of this letter sitting in my computer’s recycle bin.

 

So instead, let me just give you my thanks. Thank you for believing in me when no one else did. Thank you for challenging me when no one else would. Thank you for rescuing me from myself when I was too caught up in my own grief to realize I was drowning. Thank you for putting me on a path that brought me to the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Thank you for being my good dad when George couldn’t be.

 

I promise to go on and do great things. I have a galaxy to see with my husband by my side so it will be good.

 

You dared me to be better and I will be.

 

Sincerely,

James Tiberius Kirk-Spock

Xxxxxx

 

February 14, 2260

 

Dear baby Demora:

 

I just wanted to write you this before I embark on my mission. Your grandma Chan told me about this tradition that she had where she always wrote your mom and your aunts letters before she embarked on any mission where she couldn’t bring her kids with her. Maybe she was afraid that the worst could happen and she wouldn’t make it back, especially considering your granddaddy died on a mission when your mommy was only six years old. Honestly I’m scared of that too. I’ve buried a lot of friends in the last few years.

 

Also my friend Jim lost his daddy on a mission the day he was born. Actually he was born three months early because of things that are too classified for you to ever know about, my little girl. He’ll be the first one to say that growing up without his dad screwed him up a little bit. I am scared of that possibility too.

 

So, I’m going to be away a lot for the next five years. Much more than I want to be, but that’s the job. Although your grandma is my boss and I’m sure she’s going to make sure that I get to see you every once in a while. She even said that some special guests could come along. Also, she’s probably going to look the other way when I make unauthorized deep space calls for the sake of video chatting. Which means I’m going to attempt the art of a long-distance relationship. So, mom and me will never ever get married to each other, but maybe you’ll get another daddy from me. I’m working on it. Your grandma approves miraculously.

 

There are some good things about having your grandmother in charge of Starfleet, such as the fact that she has a playpen for you in her office at Starfleet. You’re going to be spoiled when you’re living with her while mommy and daddy are off exploring the world on their various ships. I too adore your grandmother mostly because she is so accepting of the fact that Susan and I will always just be friends and co-parents and that’s it.

 

I think you already are that spoiled. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a kid with as many toys as you, not even your best playmate. I don’t know how you’re going to go down to one bedroom once we are gone. You currently have toys spread out across three. Then again, your three aunts and daddy’s boyfriend are also spoiling you rotten so you’re probably going to pick up a couple of extra bedrooms. I’m sure you’re going to be spending lots of time with your cousins and your number one playmate. You guys are going to be absolute nightmares by the time I get back.

 

Your Uncle Pavel got you a daddy bear all dressed in gold. According to him, you are supposed to hug it and think of me. Okay, I programed my voice in that thing and it says over 6000 cute things when you hug it so it won’t seem like I’m on the other side of the galaxy. Daddy bear can also read you six different bedtime stories and I can upload more. I love technology.

 

I know it’s going to be hard with me and mommy being far away. Mommy will be back more often because she’s only doing short missions, but dad’s going to be gone until kindergarten. And yes, I feel bad about that, but you were a surprise. A serious surprise.

 

Remember, you can get pregnant, even without penetration, especially if you accidentally get doused with fertility herbs due to your other partner’s incompetence. Just say no to dumb boys like the moron who almost became your daddy. Auntie Liz is so going to tell you that story once you’re old enough because I know her a little too well so I’m not going keep the stuff from you. But you are a good surprise. You’re my favorite surprise in the entire universe. You’ll always be my baby girl.

 

That being said some things were in motion before you got here and even grandma can only do so much with Starfleet bureaucracy. Also, if she does too many special favors she won’t be in charge anymore and that would just be bad for all of us. So we’re going to pick and choose our battles. That means her looking the other way when I call, just a little too often.

 

So Demora here are the rules while we are off planet:

 

  1. Listen to everything grandma or your other caretakers say when we are not here. They are in charge.



 

  1. Do not put your aunts and grandma against each other. Don’t play mind games. When one says no, we all say no.



 

  1. Be nice to the cousins and your BFF. You guys are family or maybe will be family someday. I’m working on it. I received _The Idiot’s Guide to Adoption_ for Christmas from aunt Ny. She is ridiculously perceptive.



 

  1. Be nice to everyone. Treat all with dignity.



 

  1. Do not believe anything my sisters tell you about me. I hate being the baby.



 

  1. Hug your daddy bear every day.



 

  1. Send me lots of pictures



 

  1. If Aunt Liz and Uncle Kevin elope, call daddy right away. Me and Uncle Jim have money on it.



 

Also, please keep grandma from strangling Kevin because Uncle Jim really likes his brother.

 

Finally, the most important rule of all is to remember that mommy and I love you. We may not live in the same house as you or even be on the same planet, but we do love you very much.

 

I promise I’ll do everything in my power to stay safe and come back to you.

 

Love,

Your father

 

XXXXXXXX

February 16, 2260

 

Dear James:

 

Although, Vulcans do not usually acknowledge fear, I will do so at this time. I know that you feel I am more suited to the position of Captain. However, I am afraid of what will happen now that I am in this position. I am worried that I may make the wrong decision and cost the life of my crew. I am worried that I could lose you again. There are moments where your temporary death still haunts me.

 

I am also fearful that someday you may resent me. I have my current position only by your grace. I am worried that you may regret your decision. Working together to put the crew together is quite different than actually captaining a ship together. After being in charge for the last year, are you going to be able to actually be under my command?

What if the crew resents me? What if they dislike my emotionless style? What if they find me a harsh taskmaster?

 

It is normal to have doubts. Even logical or so Dr. Margarita may say. Yet it makes me uncomfortable because I find myself feeling fear at the uncertainty that lies ahead. This will be a new experience for us. Can we handle this together? I don’t know, which is why I’m sharing these doubts with you.

 

I think Dr. Margarita will consider this progress.

 

XXXXXX

February 16, 2260

 

Dear Spock:

 

I think she would be jumping up for joy if we actually told her. She just loves it when we have breakthroughs.

 

Don’t panic. Spock. I can’t believe I’m saying those words to you, but don’t panic. You’re supposed to be the rational one in this marriage. You have this. We have this. You and me are in this together. No matter what, I have your back and I always will. You and me can get through anything as long as we have each other. And we will always.

 

Love, your extremely imperfect husband who believes you can do anything, even be a starship Captain,

James

Xxxxxxx

 

February 16 2260

Dear James:

 

I trust you and you are perfect to me.

 

Love, Spock

 

The end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that you’ve enjoyed my re-contextualization.
> 
> Now to the question that’s on everybody’s mind, will there be a sequel? Last time I said no and then I watched Star Trek Into Darkness and came to the conclusion that the movie would be a lot better if I considered the events of Dear Spock as canon. So basically this story has been an exercise in re-contextualizing Star Trek Into darkness instead of a straight rewrite. Actually, the only things that did not happen in this story that did happen in the movie was Spock tattling on Jim behind his back and the kitty cat three some. Instead, Sulu got the shore leave three way, which he hopes Aunt Liz doesn’t tell the baby about, but probably will anyway.
> 
> On July 22, I may be sitting in the theater thinking I need to do this again or I might be thinking I don't want to put poor baby Jo Jo through all of that. I have an idea for a sequel, which would basically be Sulu writing letters to his new daughter and boyfriend back on Earth regarding Enterprise chaos. Basically, with Jim and Spock at the same rank, he is really the first officer and some days he wants to strangle both of his bosses. 
> 
> I’m also thinking about Jo Jo documenting her time on the ship by writing to her dead mom or maybe just her diary. The ideas are still coming together in my head. But I’ve had lots of ideas for follow-up stories that have not come to fruition. I know some of you are still waiting for me to write a follow up to Starfleet Family Values. That’s okay. So am I.
> 
> So if you see a story from me called either Letters from Beyond or Dear Demora in a few weeks, you know that I’m writing the sequel. (Feel free to vote on your title preference.)
> 
> Thank you again. It’s been fun


End file.
